God's Plan For In-Laws

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Hello and welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and we are coming to you live from South Lake, Texas, the marriage capital of the world, at the Exo Marriage center here. And we want you guys to come visit us. You can actually come to South Lake and you can get coffee at the amazing Exo Press, sit and do your work, hang out, whatever, and you can witness the podcast. Like, right now, we have a live audience out there. We're waving at them. If you're watching online and they are graciously listening to us, by the end of the day, they're going to not love our voices, but they're out there and we're excited and we want you to be part of it. So if you want to be part of it, just go to xomarriage.com get more information about our location. We'd love to have you here. But before we dive into today's episode, which I'm so excited about, I want to share a recent review. And this is from Kyle K. 82. And it says informative and insightful. And it says very informative and insightful. Just recently discovered this podcast, but loving it already. Keep up the great work. Well, thank you so much, Kyle K. 82, for leading that. And if you all love this podcast, if you have been listeners for a long time, the very best way that you can show your love for the Naked Marriage podcast is by leaving a review. It lets others know about it and just share it with your friends. We love it. Thank you, guys.

Yeah, it helps people discover it and it encourages us. It also gives us feedback. Like some of the reviews have said, hey, the way the ads break in is abrupt. And you guys work on that.

And we are working on that.

Yeah, we listened to that and made adjustments. So thank you guys for sharing your feedback. And so we really do appreciate it. We're excited about today. Today is a huge day for. Because it is the launch day of our new book, Married into the the not so Secret Guide to In Law Relationships. This book has been just kind of on our hearts for years, and Years and years, because as you maybe have heard us talk about, like, this is an area that was a real struggle for us in the early years of our marriage. And then people from all over the world write us often about in law relationships and the struggles that they're facing. And there just aren't that many resources out there about it. And so we have prayed and planned for a long time about creating a resource, and it's final together. We're thrilled with how it's come together. And you can get it today as a book, ebook, audiobook. We had so much fun recording the audiobook. So I encourage that edition specifically because I do think that it was just, I don't know, it was meaningful to be able to record it. Yeah. And over the next few weeks, we're going to talk about themes from the book because a lot of folks, a lot of folks have had struggles in these areas, or maybe it's not even a struggle, but you just want to plan ahead for people marrying into your family. You want to continue to grow in this area in your life. It's not just for people who are in crisis by any means. All of us have a need to have a wise understanding of in law relationships. So we're going to start today with what is God's plan for in laws? Well, we're going to dive in right now. Let's go.

We are excited to be talking about the topic this week and for the next few weeks, and that is the topic of In Laws because as we have hinted in past seasons, this is something very near and dear to our. It is a huge part of some of the hurdles that we had to overcome early on in our marriage. And we know in the work that we do that in law relationships can be like one of the biggest blessings in someone's life, in a married couple's life. But it can also be one of the hardest things to deal with in a married couple's life. And so we wrote a whole book on it. Right, sweetie?

We did, and it's out today. And we're so excited about the book. It's called Married into the the not so Secret Guide to In Law Relationships. And this is one of those resources that's been kind of years in the.

Making, I would say decades.

Decades in the making.

Decades in the making.

From our own experience and from our own desire to help people navigate the very, very sometimes tricky. Feels like a minefield at times area of in law relationships. But not to approach it with fear, but to approach it as a blessing that God wants us to have healthy, thriving relationships with our in laws. But I think we need to understand as we approach this topic what God's plan for in laws is really about. What is his idea? What is his plan for a thriving multi generational family and a family that when people are marrying into your family, they're a blessing to you, you're a blessing to them. When you're marrying into a family, you know, you're a blessing to those parents as well. But to also realize that when you get married, you're not just marrying into a family, you are starting a new family, right? Yes. And your first priority, your first loyalty has to be to your spouse. At that point. You still love your parents and honor your parents and your siblings and all of that, but your spouse is your first priority. And that is your primary family from that moment on. That's the way God designed it. And I feel like that's the one principle that kind of confuses people and it frustrates them. And if you don't understand that, then all the in law relationships are gonna be, they're gonna be off balance because sort of the hierarchy of your loyalties are gonna be off balance.

This is so true. And this is something that I don't believe is talked about enough in premarital counseling, not only for the married couple or the soon to be married couple, but also for the parents. Because I think a lot of times parents, they just don't go into their kids getting married thinking like, I'm gonna have to shift things, like. And that was kind of our story. I think that. And I won't like. But a lot of the struggle came to, you know, parents getting excited about a wedding, but forgetting there's going to actually be married children with their own new family in the end, not meaning that you're cutting off ties obviously, but that, that it shifts and changes and.

It means things will change. It's supposed to change.

Exactly. And where, where I think a lot of couples feel this the most, and this is definitely our story too, is like when holidays come, when that first holiday comes. And I was actually just talking to a friend of mine the other day because we were talking about this whole, the in law dynamics, in law relationships. And she said she'll never forget it, that she was sitting down with her in laws who she loves and respects so much. And she said, and, and, and I think like the parents started saying, okay, we're about six months away from Christmas. Here's what we want Christmas to look like. And we expect you to Drive over here and over here and see all these family members and do this and that. And her and her husband had talked about this because they're like, it's going to have to shift. And her husband looked at his dad and he said, dad, you know, it's not gonna be able to be exactly the same with us, but you guys go do that. We're probably gonna be able to go to maybe one of those things with all of our family, but we also have my wife's family to consider. And his dad got so angry, he stood up from family dinner. And walked out. Yeah, and walked out, like huffing and puffing.

So immature.

I know.

And it's like, again, but he's coming from the wrong mentality.

Exactly.

He thinks like, no, your loyalty's to me. I'm your, your father. And like this is the way it's always been.

Right?

And I think sometimes we have in our own mind, as we grow, this vision of what we want our own family legacy to be. And we picture this Hallmark moment of like all of the children and grandchildren gather round and whenever we ask, yeah, whenever we ask, they're just gonna just run to us. And yeah, that's a sweet thought, but what you're doing is you're putting these expectations and parameters on people that just, they're not realistic.

They're not realistic. And like in talking with my friend, and we totally can relate to this too, it's not practical and it runs you ragged because you're going to end up letting everyone down anyway. You know what I'm saying? Like, you're just trying to please all these different family members and their opinions on what you should do around these holidays and where you should be and what time you should be there. Literally, you're going to just be exhausted. And she said, you know, so that, that father in law, just to follow up, he went outside, kind of had a moment and. But then he quickly realized, like, I need to grow up a bit about this. And he came back in and he respected the boundary that his son put in place. But it took that young couple having the wherewithal and the courage to put that boundary in place. And they, till this day, they've been married at least a decade. They have really good relationships with all of their in laws. But she said, but it's always in every new season, like when kids, like when grandkids come, it's always a little touchy, it's always a little awkward. But you as a married couple, no matter how long you've been married, no matter how old you are, you have the power to set those boundaries. And I know for us personally, and we've shared this a little bit, but we can go into more detail kind of in this series. It took us getting professional help. Yeah, it really did.

It took a counselor to kind of help an actual counselor have the words and the tools because we just were not prepared at all. We were not equipped to have these conversations. Like we were so taken off guard. We wanted to honor everyone involved, but we felt like we were put in these no win situations. And he handled it, handed us a book called Boundaries by doctors John Townsend and Henry Cloud, which is one of the books that inspired this new book that we've written, Married into the Family, that kind of applies it all specifically to these important in law relationships. And it really helped us so much. And boundaries are a loving thing. It's not a punishment for people. It's not saying we're going to punish you with these limitations, but really it's just defining reality in a way that everybody can win and everybody can thrive. And we, we didn't know how to do that at first. And it created more tension, it created more stress. And that book helped and counseling helped. And oftentimes it will take that. It will take a counselor sitting down with you and saying, all right, here's the way that it can look and here's some things to consider. And that really, really helped us. It helped us a lot. It did.

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I'm telling you, once we started doing, you know, coming up together as a couple, we had to come up with, well, what boundaries exactly need to be in place? And then, you know, something we learned a long time ago and that we pass on and really kind of we really believe in this is that, let's say if it's your family, okay, that is the one really causing the strife and really kind of trying to have a power grab, you know, kind of in the relationship. It's really important that you are the one. I mean, you can have your spouse with you, but you are the mouthpiece that delivers the needed boundary and has that conversation. It's. It's great to have your spouse right there with you, and you and your spouse. Spouse need to collectively decide on what these boundaries need to be. But it's important that you are that mouthpiece. And you're probably thinking, well, why? And you know, maybe one of you is better at confrontation than the other. But it's really important that you do it because your parents are going to give you a lot more grace if they disagree with it at first or if they have issues with it than they would your spouse. And it kind of. If they already kind of are at odds with your spouse or maybe are blaming them for the boundary, it's important that you're like, no, no, no. We are in unity establishing this boundary. And I know for me personally, like with my own parents, that was hard for me because I'm not a confrontational person.

When you're a pleaser by nature, I'm.

A people pleaser by nature. And I've had to really grow in that. I've gone to counseling personally for that. And it's people pleasing on the surface, sounds like it's not a bad thing, but it really can mess with you and it can really mess with your relationships, and it can cause you to have these really codependent and unhealthy relationships. And I remember in our counseling sessions, our counselor was like, you can do this. Like you and Dave together go and then just talk in the most loving way possible, in the calmest way possible, and put these boundaries in place. And you don't do it all at once necessarily, but just kind of like, take it, you know, if the holiday is a good opportunity, do it then. Or, you know what I'm saying? Like, just take it a little at a time. And it was really hard and emotions were very raw. And I remember feeling like, is this gonna be worth it? Because I feel like my heart is just being ripped in Two, because I love my parents and I love my husband so much. And I just, I feel so torn. But, you know, I just knew that biblically, this is what God calls us to do. And every time we would pray about this and we would lovingly establish this and remember that this is out of love, this is not out of control. In fact, this is trying to make sure that no one is trying to control that. We're just trying to all be adults here. And the more I remembered that and knowing that Dave is with me in this, it really helps so much. I mean, it changed our relationship with all of our in laws. It's made them so much healthier, so much more enjoyable for everyone. Right, sweetie? I mean, it really, it's just a wonderful thing.

Yes, it really has. And that's the goal, guys. The goal isn't just to like eliminate people from your life. The goal is to work towards having healthy, healing relationships with everybody involved. And so how do we do that? I think first off, when someone marries into your family, to recognize that you as a parent, a parent, a father, mother in law, you have such immense power to either be a blessing or a burden to that person and just decide up front, we are going to be a blessing. We are gonna this person, we're going to accept them into our family, we're going to celebrate them, we're going to honor their family, and we're going to honor their traditions and where they're coming from. We're going to be a blessing. When you marry into a family, do the same thing. Say, I've got such immense power to be a blessing or a burden, to say, I want to honor my spouse's family. I want to honor their family culture, their traditions, even the things that are different from me. I want to learn, I want to grow in those areas. And I just want to be an encourager and I want to be a blessing. When they see me walk in the door, I want them to smile because they know that I'm there as a peacemaker, as somebody who is an honoring person and to do your best to do that. And that comes back to what this episode's about. God's plan for in laws. And when you look at scripture over and over again, we're called to be peacemakers, not doormats, not to let people walk all over us, but peacemakers. Jesus said, blessed are the peacemakers. Theirs is the kingdom of heaven. The Bible has a lot more to say about that. And the Bible gives us some great examples of healthy in laws from the Beginning and also some unhealthy examples. It shows us, I think, about Moses. Moses was, he had a really healthy relationship with his father in law, Jethro. Even though these two men came from vastly different backgrounds, they were different races. Moses was a Jewish man, Jethro was an African man. Moses married an African woman. And. And Jethro and Moses had, with this intercultural family now formed this deep mutual respect for one another. But brothers and sisters in law can be part of the issue. Moses, brother and sister, Aaron and Miriam, they were not accepting of his wife. And God reckoned with them. We see God stepping in angry at Aaron and Miriam for not accepting Moses wife because they didn't approve of her. They wished he would have married somebody else. And you might have those thoughts, oh, I wish my brother, sister, son, daughter would have married somebody else. Listen, that's a thought you need to move past quickly because once that person is married into your family, then that is sacred. That is a bond that God has created. And we are called to love, to accept and to celebrate that person. I think about Ruth and Naomi in the Bible. Ruth caring for her mother in law even after Ruth's husband was dead. And now she had no legal obligation at all. Naomi wasn't even technically her mother in law at that point, but Ruth had a commitment to her out of respect for her own husband who had passed. And her mother in law, Naomi. And God blessed that. God blessed that level of love and commitment. And when we have love and commitment to our families, our spouse's family, God honors it, he just honors it. Even if that committed to a person when they're being difficult to love Naomi, the Bible, like she was in a season where she lost a lot. She was bitter. I mean, the Bible tells us she was a bitter person. She was difficult to love. And yet Ruth pursued her with commitment and with love and loved her through that. And God honored that. And Ruth became a mother and grandmother of kings because of the way that she honored. So we can learn so much, both good examples and bad examples from Scripture. But what it really all comes down to is choose to be loving, choose to be forgiving, choose to be committed to your spouse, to your spouse's family, but also have the courage, when necessary, to put healthy boundaries in place to make sure that everyone involved knows that, like the way that God has ordered things, a marriage has to be the first loyalty, right? So never try to put a husband and wife against each other. When your son or daughter marries someone, it is sacred and you cannot do anything to Try to separate them. Now, I'm not saying overlook abuse, those kinds of things. If you see abuse happening, you might have to stage an intervention and say, listen, you need to get safe. There are some things happening here that are really, really unhealthy. But when it's just personality differences or I don't like the way he does that or that she does that, you've got to navigate that so carefully. And most of the time you're going to have to bite your tongue and just. Just love and support them and help them grow in their marriage, because that marriage is sacred. They've created a new family, a new covenant, and we have a responsibility to support that.

It's so true. And I think too, as the adult married children, we need to remember not to pin our families of origin against each other.

Yes.

And I think I see this so many times where it's like, maybe one spouse feels like their family is just better than their spouse's family, and so they will favor their family. They'll favor their family every holiday. They'll favor their family on vacations, like spending vacation time, like, oh, I'm sorry, I can't go on vacation with your family because we're spending our vacation time, you know, with my family. And this really causes jealousy between the two families. When kids eventually come along, it can really cause issues with who sees the grandkids. And so we wanna do whatever we can as adult married children to really not pin our families against each other. And that means, like, if you know something about, like, your spouse's family, you just don't go and tell your family about it. Okay? Like, don't go spreading rumors and gossiping about your family or just being negative about them. And I'm not talking about, like, really deep concerns that, like, affect you, but I mean, just like, little nitpicky things. It just perpetuates, really, an environment of negativity. It really gives your family license to talk bad about them because you set that tone with your own family on whether or not they can talk about your spouse badly, whether or not not they can talk about your spouse's family badly. And so if you open that door, it's really hard to close that door.

It really is.

You can close it, absolutely. But don't open that door. Okay? Don't open that door. If you've already opened it and it's like there's this kind of us against them mentality, then I would suggest going to see a professional counselor and learning how to reset that and even, even going to your own family and saying, listen, I made a huge mistake here because now I've made it seem like it's okay to talk badly about my husband, my wife, and their family, whatever, but it's not. And I wouldn't want my spouse doing that about me or you guys. Would you. Would you want that and just really put it that way and say, like, we need to have a spirit of. Of restoration, a spirit of unity, and a spirit really of forgiveness and also humility. Like, we really have to humble ourselves. And we need to remember this, too, that no matter what our opinions are of our family or our spouse's family, we are not that exact family. We're a new family, and we're gonna do things in maybe a new way. Some of the things might be similar, but there's probably gonna be a lot of things that are our own way of doing things and that way of doing things, whether it's raising children, how we celebrate holidays, whatever it is, it might not look like either one of your families, but that's between you, your spouse, and God. And so we just need to really keep that perspective.

Man, that is so good. And so if you've made those mistakes and all of us have made some mistakes in these areas, none of us are perfect.

Yes, definitely.

Then really kind of do a self inventory. You know, Jesus said, don't look at the speck of sawdust in someone else's eye when you've got a plank in your own eye. Which is just a funny, really, way of saying, like, listen, don't be an expert at picking out what someone else is doing wrong when we've all got junk. And so do a self assessment and think, what have I done to not promote peace? What have I done maybe to dishonor my own spouse or my spouse's family? And then to really apologize for that. Like Ashley was saying, to turn from it and to just start again. And this new book, Married into the Family. I think this could be such a helpful resource to you in all of this and having a new beginning with your in laws, a new beginning, maybe even in your own marriage. If you've allowed family relationships to kind of damage or come between you and your spouse. And do us a favor and share this episode. We always say that. I really don't feel like with these in law episodes in particular, there are so many people that are struggling in these areas and often in secret, in silence. They feel isolated. They feel like nobody sees them. And we know from experience when you're going through these issues it can feel so isolating. It can feel like the weight of the world's on you when you're at odds, even with your own families. We want those folks to know that they are seen, that God is with them in this and that there's hope and they're not always going to feel discouraged the way they are right now. These episodes and the book I think could be such a helpful resource for them. And so by sharing these episodes on social or if you know anyone in your life that is going through these issues in particular, to just send them a text or a message and say, hey, I listened to this episode. I think this would really be encouraging to you. Just know that I'm praying for you in this area. You're going to get through this.

That's right. And we hope you join us for every single one of these episodes. And like Dave said, we always appreciate it when you share it and let us know what else you would like to hear about this. And also if it's helping you, we love, you know, hearing how it's making a difference in your life. But we hope to see you next time.

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