Having Better Sex & Loving Your Body // Hump Day Q&A

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You know what time it is, sweetie?

It's hump day Q and A time.

Hump day Q and A. Hump day Q and A. Welcome to the Naked Marriage Podcast. Hump day Q and A. We love answering your questions. So every Wednesday we're dropping a special podcast episode focused on one of your questions. You can submit your own marriage related question online@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or by sending us a message on Instagram. Aveandashleywillis. We've got a great question today, so let's dive in.

Welcome back you all and welcome Rachel Gilbert. Thanks so much, Rachel, for coming back to talk about body image and marriage with us.

Thanks for having me back.

All right, today we're going to talk about why we should improve our body image. Like why that should be a thing and how it will improve our our sex life. So, Rachel, I'm going to give you the floor. I know you know all about this. And again, guys, if you want to go deeper in this, her book image Restored goes into great detail about this, walks you through everything. It is a very comprehensive guide on how to achieve freedom from having this negative body image and walk in Christ and having a healthy body image. And so, Rachel, how can people improve their body image and why should they? Like, why? If they feel like they don't have a good body image, what are the benefits to improving that body image?

Ashley, I want to take two angles on this and well, you really asked two questions. So I want to start with the first and going how? And I think that sometimes we can believe that if I lost a certain amount of weight or if I did a certain thing or if I whatever the thing is for you, then I'm going to have improved body image. And while it's true that doing those things can improve your body image, for sure those aren't lasting because the song that's playing in my head right now, I'm not a good singer, so I won't sing it for y'. All. But the never enough, you know, from the greatest showman. Never enough, you know? Yeah. Because I don't know if anybody can relate to this, but I've had moments where I'm like woohoo, I lost all the weight and oh, now we have extra stretchy skin and oh, now we have stretch marks and oh, look at those wrinkles. If, if our thing of our end goal is always some, like if I do this, then this, it's never going to be enough. Right. So do those things that make you feel healthy. Absolutely. But do not put your confidence in that thing. Our confidence has to be in God and how God made us and starting to view ourselves in his image, for lack of better words. Right. Like we. It was interesting. When I was in grad school I did this study and I asked a large group of Christian women if they believe that they were made in God's image. And 99% of them said yes, I do. But then several of them wrote, I know it in my head, but I don't believe it in my heart. And that's the piece that I am after for women is going okay, we know it in our head. We've all said the verses, we've sang the songs. I'm made in God's image. I'm fearfully and I'm wonderfully made. And we have all this mugs and the T shirts and all the things, yet we're not living it out. And so it does start with getting into God's word, improving our secure attachment to Him. And the more we start to really see ourselves the way he does, mind, soul, body and spirit, then we can fully show up confidently as ourself, both in life and naked in the bedroom with our spouse. So that's the how. We'll start there. Any follow up questions before I move into the why?

It's so good and I love that is the how. And I think that when we just don't base it on, you know, the number on the scale or the size of clothes we're wearing or even our muscle tone, I mean those are all fine things. I mean get healthy, have goals, all those things. But you know, I'm 42, I just turned 42 this month. And I remember like I was having a lunch with some dear girlfriends of mine and actually we're all different. Like some of them are still in their 30s and we were talking about, we were talking about body image. I don't even know how we got on the subject, but one of my friends, I was saying like she was saying something like, oh, I need to lose 10 more pounds. And I was like, yeah, you know, I could, I could lose ten pounds. I said, I'm like a swing. I have like a 15 pound swing. And I do. I have like that limit where I'm like, okay, you're, you know, you're having too many sea salt chocolates. You need to rein it in, you know, but like I said, you know, but I, I found a place where I'm really. I wanted to be strong. I'm in Pilates. And my goal more than any number on the scale, I don't weigh myself even that much anymore is being strong, you know, and I do want my clothes to fit well, but it's like, I just want to be strong and be healthy and. And she looked at me and she said, she's known me for about 10 years. She said, ashley, she goes, I've seen that in you. She goes, I've seen that in you, like the way that you carry yourself. She goes, I just. She goes, I really. I see that you're. You feel good in your own skin. And she's like, and I just think that's so beautiful. Like, that adds to just your inner and outer beauty and just such a sweet thing. And it kind of made me pause and I was like that, you know, that's really the goal for all of us is to be, to feel good in our own skin as. As being made in the image of God. And I didn't even, you know, I wasn't even thinking about that. But my friend too said she's kind of on that journey of not wanting to obsess about the scale because especially those of you who are watching and listening when you're, when you reach 35. I remember somebody years ago said, when you reach 35, men and women, that things just start changing without you even trying. Like, it's a little harder to lose weight. You have to be a little more particular about what you eat. Hormones are a little different. And then for women, you know, we hit reach 40s and 50s and you're going to have like menopause and stuff. And, you know, even having children and how our bodies respond to that, it's just, it changes. And so we, we have to be prepared that things sometimes get harder. And I think sometimes we get so. We get so obsessed with these things that sometimes are even out of our control. I mean, there's some things we can control, but sometimes it's out of our control. So if we're basing our body image on that, we're really Going to end up feeling like failures and feeling like we're less than. And the goal is that we want to feel whole. We want to have that peace, that wholeness that God wants us to have. And, and that's when we really do accept that we are his child, made in his image and we're comfortable in how he made us. And we're moving towards goals that's always good and trying to be healthy but not feeling like we're just constantly missing the mark. Because like, what I hear you saying, Rachel, is all of this is carried into the bedroom. And that's not the only reason why we want a healthy body image. But as married people, it definitely, I think, makes us feel better when it comes to sex because we have more confidence and we, we have that free, we feel more freedom and just being ourselves and because we feel, you know, like we're, we're seen and loved as we are. Wouldn't you say, Rachel?

Oh, yeah. And I also think, well, a couple things that came to mind. First of all, I love aging with my husband. That's been fun because instead of fighting it, we're like, oh, wow, that's new. You know, like we're just kind of going through it together and. But when you extend grace to each other, just like you said, like as you age, yes, there's some things you can do to age gracefully and well, but then there's other things that it's like that's just part of the aging process and we can either fight it and be mad about it or we can go through it as a team. And that's, that's what we've chosen to do. And it's been much more enjoyable and sometimes even funny that way, to be honest. And so just a little more light hearted. But then also just on a personal note, when it comes to, like you said, the body image piece and in the bedroom, and I can speak personally and say our sex life has never been better than when my, my body image again, all my shapes and sizes. Because I'm like you, Ashley, kind of depending on the season. Like here I'm over here and back over here just because. And it's what it is and I'm okay with it. But it's, and here's why I believe that your sex life improves when you really start to embrace your body is because if you think about a great sex life, it, it requires wanting to explore, wanting to have fun, wanting to get to know your own body, get to know your spouse's body. And if you Think about whenever you don't like your body. That's a form of rejection. It's a form of ignoring. That's a form of avoiding. Why in the world when I want to explore something that I'm rejecting or that I'm ignoring or that I think is bad or I want to cover up and I feel shame around. And so the more I have embraced my body, the more I'm like, okay, yeah, let's. Let's see all the things that God designed and, like, it's just fun with your spouse in that safe environment to explore your body and each other's bodies. And I do believe that it does require a full embracing of our bodies. It's kind of like, I can't speak because, of course, some men definitely do. We talked about this before, but the body image does apply also to males as well, too. But of course, today we're talking more towards the females. But in general, you do see that men tend to kind of like, strut by the mirror and check themselves out and be a little more okay with themselves. Like in all sizes, like, they can have that pot belly going and they're like, wow, yeah, look at me. You know, like, I look hot. And women don't. Aren't always that way. But then you look at men and they tend to be more in tune with their sexuality. And I do see that connection of they're like, hey, look at you. Wow, that's pretty hot. And I'm like, okay. As a woman, the more I. I've embraced that side of myself, the better our sex life has gotten.

You know, it's so true. I think of, like a proud peacock. I don't know. It's like, let me show you all the feathers. You know, the. The bird. The bird community gets it. Like, the male birds, they are like, look at me. I am like a proud peacock. I'm strutting my stuff. But you're so right. Even as human beings, like, as I think sometimes as women too, some of us, depending on where we grew up and kind of the families we grew up in, we, you know, obviously we look in mirrors to get ready, but we almost see it as vain, like admiring ourself in a mirror. You know what I'm saying? When really, I mean, when it comes to just being okay with your body and being glad who you are and loving your body and loving yourself, there is nothing wrong in that. I mean, I think if it becomes an obsession, obviously that's a whole other issue. But just being like, man, this body birthed four children and is 42 years old today. And I have smile wrinkles because I've smiled a lot. And I, you know, like just being able to celebrate those things. And I love Rachel, I love how you mentioned that you and your husband joke about some of the aging things. I hope people heard that because I think that that is key. I think having a sense of humor and being like, wow, didn't know that was there. And you know, yay, we're getting experience. You know, I think we're becoming seasoned. You know, a lot of people say, because we've seen some stuff and done some stuff and we've lived and we know stuff, you know, And I think that there's, there's a beautiful celebration in that. And so I love that you said that. I think that that's a huge component to this as well. And I know, I think we've touched on the why. But if you want to give like a concise answer to why, we should work on body image. Like, what would you say to the woman watching and listening today?

I would say that God cares about all of it. I think that we tend to put sometimes body related things and we're not sure if God cares about it. He cares about it all. He wants all, all of it blessed. He wants your marriage blessed. He wants your sex life blessed. And if it matters to you, it matters to God. And so if you're hung up in your body image and you are carrying some shame and it's affecting your, not just your marriage and your sex life, but just you as an individual, like the Lord cares about you. And if you're hurting in this area, then he, he cares about it and he wants to walk with you on this journey to freedom. You don't have to do it alone. You can go, you know, hold the hand of, hold Jesus hand and walk through it. And he wants to be there with you. And so if it matters to you, it matters to him. And there's so much freedom waiting for you on the other side in so many, in many areas of your life.

Oh, my goodness. So well spoken and so true. I mean, if, if, if it matters to you, it matters to God. And I think that so many times we forget that, like we have, you know, God is our Father, our creator. He is so close to us. And especially, you know, I love how it talks about him being close to the brokenhearted. And I feel like for some people, the reason they clicked on this episode is because when it comes to their brokenheartedness, body image is the issue for them, like, they wake up, they don't like what they see in the mirror, and then it affects, you know, all these different facets of their life. And so to end this particular episode, Rachel, if you feel comfortable, could you say a prayer for those who feel brokenhearted about their body image and so long for that freedom that you've talked about?

Oh, I'd love to. Absolutely. Yeah. So, Father, thank you for every person who is sitting under the sound of my voice. Thank you that you led them to tune in today. And that is not an accident. That was spirit led. And I ask that you just draw near to them. You are near to the brokenhearted. You see those who have sat in this pain for far too long, and you see the damage that the enemy has done for far too long. So today is the day that we draw a line in the sand and we say no more. And we stand here in agreement with our brothers and our sisters and we just say in the name of Jesus, we speak health and healing and wholeness and wellness. Redeem and restore every single thing that the enemy has stolen in this area of body image, shame, trauma, and even just sex life here in marriage. And everybody who is represented in on this today, and we just speak blessing in Jesus mighty name. Amen.

Amen. Thank you so much, Rachel. And thank you guys so much for watching and listening. And I just hope and pray that you said that prayer with us. Even go back if you need to keep praying that every day. You guys can go back and pray with us every day. And I promise you, God's going to renew your mind. He's going to bring you that restoration, that healing, and the image restored that God wants you to have. And again, if you want to hear more from Rachel, definitely get her book Image Restored. It is awesome. You can get it where all books are sold and. And you can actually go through this. It kind of can be like a workbook for you. You know, it's. You're going to be filled with knowledge, but it also helps you actually work through this issue. And it's just masterfully put together. And so definitely get that book again. It's Image Restore by Rachel Gilbert. Rachel, thank you so much for joining us.

Thanks, Ashley.

Thank you all so much for listening to today's episode of Hump Day. Q and A. We love getting your questions and we want to answer your question. So if you go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com you can submit your question right there. Or you can follow us on Instagram, Ave and Ashley Willis and you can give us your questions right there by giving us a dm. So we'll catch you next time on Hump Day. Q and A.