Having Your Best Year of Marriage

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Hello and welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis. And on this podcast we address the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And we have a wonderful episode for you today to celebrate this big New year, and we want to make it the best yet for you. We're cheering you on, but before we dive into today's episode, I do want to share a recent review with you, and thank you so much. There's been so many new reviews coming in. You guys are amazing. We love hearing from you, and it really is like wind in our sails. But also it is literally the best way to spread the message of the Naked Marriage podcast and to encourage others to have a stronger marriage. And so please if you have not already left a review, please go do that today. So today's review is from Toothy Five. It's entitled truly a Godsend and this person gave us five stars. So thank you to all right. This person says, every morning I go on an hour walk around my neighborhood, and I listen to Ashley and Dave's podcast. The things they discuss are so relevant and relatable. And if they hit on something, my husband and I are struggling with, I will send him the episode and he will listen to it on his lunch break. We usually will then talk about it at dinner, and it helps us so much with dealing with whatever issue we are relating to, the advice is biblical and true. Honoring God and honoring your spouse. Thank you, Ashley, and day for your ministry. Well, gosh, that just warms my heart. That's awesome. Yes, you've made our day. Every day you have made our day.

And so thank you so much for sharing that. Well, guys, for all of you out there listening, we want to do this episode as a way to start the New Year off. Right. And help you to have the best year of marriage. Yet a resource we want to get into your hands to help you on that journey is our upcoming book. You've heard us talk about it a lot over the past few months because we are giddy with excitement we are about the counterfeit climax. We just think that the resources, the stories, the practical tools in this book can help you and your spouse to have a great marriage, but even more specifically, thriving sex life, working through baggage, working through some of the negative messages that are out there in the world that confuse this topic. And we just want to get to the heart of experiencing that beautiful, passionate connectedness within marriage God created for us. And we want to invite you to be part of our first ever launch team for a book. So right now, you're listening to this podcast on your phone. So grab your phone and go to this website while you're listening thecounterfitclimax Dot Com. That is T H Dash. E C O U N T E Dash. E Dash. I T C Dash. L Dash. I M A X. Dot Com. And check out that website. That's going to give you the options for joining our launch team and getting access to some exclusive things that can only happen when you join that launch team that you can start reading and experiencing. Right now, you don't even have to wait for the actual release date of the book. And so I think that this book could be a game changer for you. So you're going to hear us talk about it a lot. But we want you on the inside team. So go check that out now.

That's right. So now get ready. We're going to talk about how to make this the best year of your marriage. Yet. Let's dive in. Well, happy New Year. We are so excited to be with you today and to be celebrating a whole new year. I don't know about you, but it takes me a while to actually start figuring out how to write the New year. ¿Do you have trouble with that, sweetie? Because I always do it. Like, I write it wrong and people have to correct me all the time, so.

Yeah, I still write nineteen ninety eight on a lot of my checks which just shows you that like I am slow to adopt ninety eight.

Wow.

And you know, I can't believe that it's twenty, twenty two.

I know. It's hard to say even think about it.

I don't think I've even said it until now. I've just been in denial, but time is flying and it is, you know, this year we'll celebrate our twenty first anniversary.

It's crazy.

It's hard to imagine it is so it is.

But with every year, you know, at this time of year we all think about things that we can improve in our lives. And so many of us, maybe we've made some new health goals, you know, for the year. I don't even like to use the word resolution. I just like to say goal. I don't know it sounds.

Goal is better.

I don't know. And you know, maybe there's financial goals you have, like paying off debt or things like that. Maybe you have goals for your kids. But I think so many times, even as married people, we forget to set goals for our marriage. Like we're afraid to set marriage goals. But I think that that's so important because our relationships they can improve too. And we hope they improve with every year. And every year we'll bring new challenges with it. Because we live in a world that just has challenges all the time and isn't perfect, and we're not perfect. And so I think that's why so many of us are afraid to set these new goals. But we want to talk today on this episode about some feasible, clear goals that you can actually set for your marriage. And it's going to look a little different for each couple because we all are differen. But I think that you can adopt some of these same kind of goals and cater them towards your marriage and what your marriage needs for this year so true.

And it is well worth the effort, guys, if we're going to make goals for our weight loss or whatever else. And those are important goals too. ¿I mean, how much more, though? How much more so should we prioritize our marriage which impacts every part of our life. And we believe that twenty twenty two could be the best year of marriage yet for you and your spouse. And we want to help start the conversation of what it looks like to get there. And to start the conversation, I want you to think in these terms, I want you to think over the course of this year how would our marriage be different and better by the end of twenty twenty two if we changed our habits in this way. And I say habits because habits are what shape your life. ¿And so think of this, in terms of your habits, what are you doing consistently? And three things. ¿What's one thing in our marriage we need to start doing? ¿What's one thing in our marriage we need to stop doing? ¿And what's one thing in our marriage that we need to do differently and put a quantifiable, measurable goal on each of those? ¿Like, what's one thing we want to start doing? It could be we want to start doing a regular date night. We want to start praying together at night. We want to start going on a walk together. Every day. We want to start having thirty minutes of uninterrupted, no screen in front of us conversation. Every day, you know, we want to just pick counseling. Yeah, we want to start counseling. Maybe this year, maybe this is the year you reach out to our team at xomarriage, dot com help and talk to someone here, even on our team. But we're going to reach out for help this year. What's one thing we're going to stop doing. You know, there's maybe a habit that you're caught up in that's not helping your marriage, that you need to quit maybe something you want to do differently and just make those adjustments and keep doing those things. And they'll become habits. And over the course of this year, it will change your marriage.

Absolutely. And I think there's such power in writing things down. And I know some people are more into that than others. Like I'm one I like to write things down because I like to look back on them. And I was so much better at this before I had children. I don't know why. Like I was recently cleaning out a little bit of our attic. And I found all these journals where when we were dating, like I was big into journaling. And I would, you know, it was a lot of journals that were, you know, about prayers and things like that. But then I also had just little reflections on our dating life. And then even in our early years of marriage, like different things. And I had goals for us and goals for myself. And it's just really cool to look back on. And not only in the year that you're doing it, but also later it's just really neat to look back on it. And I think it's one of God's way, you know, God's way of reminding you how far you've come or maybe something you need to go back and do again, you know, and so write it down. And I think one way that is very practical when it comes to goal setting, it's getting things on your calendar. I think you need to look at this year and say, what can we put on the calendar that would make our marriage better. And that could be weekly, that could be monthly and then even just one big thing in the year. And I think if you take it that way, it's exciting. Like, I don't know about you. But I love looking forward to different things on the calendar and so it might look like this, like maybe like Dave said, you start making a date night, a regular thing for you. Maybe a week is possible, maybe every two weeks is possible, or maybe once a month is possible. It's going to look different for everybody. But you as a family and as a couple, you can talk about this and then make it happen. Now, it's going to take moving parts. It's going to take finding a sitter if you don't already have a reliable sitter list. It's going to take making sure that you have it in the budget to go on these date nights. It's going to, you know, it's going to take some planning on your part, but it's worth it. And when you put it down, there's something that is so powerful about writing it down on the calendar. Because, guys, it's. It's most likely going to happen. Like when we write things on the calendar, more than likely it's going to happen than if we didn't write it down. And so I would encourage you with that. Now, monthly, maybe. Maybe. You know, monthly. It's Maybe you're part of a small group at church and you guys meet monthly, and so you're going to get that on the calendar, that you're meeting with a small group, that maybe it's a small group that actually works on making your marriage stronger. And so you put that on the calendar. Maybe you're going to go to one of our exo events, and so you look and see which you know, go to exomarriage dot com and see which event works best for you based on where you're located or based on the date and go ahead and get tickets and then put that down on the calendar. Maybe you're interested in doing a vision retreat. You guys have heard us talk about this. You can go to exomarriage dot com and check out the resource, the resources we have there, and you can actually order the vision retreat, guide that Jimmy and Karen Evans put together, and you can actually go through that book and you can plan out what kind of vision you have for your marriage and what God wants for your marriage. And it really kind of walks you through the exercise of how to do that just practically, because sometimes I think we glaze over. Like, I don't even know what a vision retreat is. Yeah, but. And then you put that on the.

Calendar and that we've created videos, ask them together to help guide you through the vision retreat which you can find at XONAU Dot Com, which is the streaming video service on demand tons of marriage content that you can access anytime. So check out Exonaw Dot Com is a new habit to implement this year. And I love what Ashley said about our exo conferences, guys. And we're not just trying to like do a commercial for all the XO stuff, but I do think all these things could really, really help you. And our exomarriage conference events I believe are the single best way that you can make a real impact in your marriage in just two days. It's even less than two days. It's usually Friday night and Saturday. And so in a twenty four hour period between Friday night ending before Saturday night, you can change your marriage because you're gonna hear so much good content. You're gonna have a focused time where there's just so much being poured into your marriage that it's like your mind and heart will hardly be able to contain it. All that's how we feel after leaving these events because we're learning so much from the other speakers. And just the atmosphere of all these people coming together with the collective goal to change and improve their marriage and to grow closer to God and to their spouse. And it is an electric atmosphere and we would love for you to be there so again. Just coming up next month in February, we're going to have several events and then throughout the spring, they're going to continue. You can join us online if you want, but come in person if you can.

It's just special.

It is special. It's just come to one of those first two events. We've got one in Grapevine, Texas, which is in the Dallas Fort Worth area, which is right here next to Southlake, Texas, which is the marriage Capital of the world. And it is so come come visit the marriage Capital of the world. Very next week. Very proud of it, Houston. It's going to be a lot of fun. We are more excited about these upcoming events than we've ever been about any events. And I think it's because over the last couple years, we haven't been gathering together through the pandemic in the same ways that we have in the past. And even our events have when we have done them. They've had to be smaller, we've had to do social distancing and all those things. But we're planning full scale, full events finally. And it's been several years and I mean every. I think we're all collectively hungry for that just to get back together and so come and be part of that. I didn't even plan to say all this. Guys, I just feel like this is something that could really make this year a great year of marriage for you. If you come to one of these events.

Well and honestly, time is of the essence because tickets go fast and so I'm really glad you mentioned it because we want you guys to be there and so go ahead and go to exomarriage dot com. You'll see it right there. You can get your tickets and secure your spot because they really do go fast. And it's so much fun. We usually do a meet and greet at these events and we'd love to give you a hug a high five. Whatever you're comfortable with fist bump and just hear your stories. Like that's our favorite part of the events is getting to meet you and hearing your stories and what God is doing in your life. We often can pray with people. If you have books that you want us to sign, we can sign your book. And there's other amazing speakers that also you're going to hear from them. But also possibly get to meet them and it's just an all around great event. And it can be one of those high points for you to look forward to this year. And also something that I think gives you that boost you need kind of to keep you going throughout the year. Because I feel like whenever I go to events, like exo I just. I kind of when I'm having a hard moment, you can look back at your notebook and you keep on going back to it and reminding yourself of, like those different things that you felt like God revealed to you at the events. And that's like one of the best parts. Like, whenever I go to different conferences and events, I always keep my notebook and I look back because it's. It's just, you know, it's all based on the word, on God's word. And it's one of those things where you learn something different each time. And God will kind of bring to your mind different little things you learn there that you like forgot about. But then you're reminded of. And it's just kind of the gift that keeps on giving. It really is.

Yes, so it is. It pays compound, interest, dividends. You know, like if you're investing in a retirement account and that money you put in one time keeps making more money for you for years and years and years, I think in the same way when you make this kind of investment in your marriage. It keeps paying those compound dividends. It's like it's building on itself year after year. That knowledge you gained, that inspiration you gained.

And not only just the event, just the time you have together. Because, like, even if you can't make it to one of our exomarriage events, I just encourage you to get away with your spouse, even if it's just one night. And just making sure you have something like that on the calendar that you can look forward to that, you plan that you budget for that, you pray about. I mean, you want to pray even before beforehand. Like, for example, we recently got away for Dave's birthday just one night. And we had been going through kind of just a stressful time busy and just a lot going on. And I remember specifically. And I don't always do this. I would like to say, i always do, but I don't always do this. But I remember praying specifically. I just was like, lord, please. Please just let this be a sweet time for Dave. And I let this be a time where we just kind of, like, the world falls away. And we can just be us because we just need that reprieve. Everybody needs that. And it was. And it was. It really was. It was so sweet. And you know, God will meet you there. It was just this really sweet little. ¿It was twenty four hours, right? It was very short.

It was a quick trip.

It was cheaper.

Right up the road. We were less than an hour from our house. But it felt like we were in another world because we were focused just on each other, no other distractions.

And it was so nice.

I know it can be hard to do that when you're in a season where you got little kids, you got to figure out childcare and all that. But it is worth the effort. And I know you can't do it all the time, but you can do it sometimes. And it's worth the effort. And so get something like that on the calendar.

Absolutely.

With no other agenda than just reconnecting with each other. That is an investment that's always worth making.

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It is now. I want to shift a little bit. I know we've talked about all this fun stuff, putting stuff on the calendar, having fun new habits and productive new habits. But probably the hardest part when it comes to goal setting is addressing maybe the things that aren't so good that need to be stopped. And you know, Dave talked about maybe habits that have gotten out of hand that you need to stop doing individually or together. But I also think it can be even like in our communication style. Like, maybe this past year it's just been a year of fighting and like you're both exhausted and every time that you talk to each other there's just this kind of edge to your voice. And maybe you blow up on each other. Or maybe you're not talking, which I believe is even worse. Honestly, the silent treatment it can be even more hurtful. I mean, both, both are not productive and not healthy. And so maybe for you, it's, you know, it's kind of twofold of what you talked about. We need to stop not communicating or communicating in an unhealthy way. But we also need to do something different. We know this is not working, so we need to try something different. And that's, you know, I think listening to this podcast is one productive way you can learn to communicate in a healthy way. We have many podcast episodes if you haven't gone back and listened to the kind of the whole long list of episodes. We have a lot on communication and how to communicate in a healthy way. And I would kind of start there. But I also think if it's been a long period of time where you haven't been able to have a civil conversation, a productive conversation, a respectful conversation. You need to bring in the professionals. You need to start talking to a Christian counselor or going, you know, maybe to a group at your church. That is maybe for marriages in crisis where you're going to learn there's awesome groups like that all around the United States at different churches. And you can learn kind of how to communicate in a healthy way again. And also be surrounded by a good social support network that will hold you accountable and really also encourage you along the way. Or maybe you talk to one of our marriage coaches. As we always mention nearly in every episode you can go to exomarriage, dot com help. But I do think that. But if you do find yourself in a tough spot where you're both just not, you're not being nice to each other. You need to not wait. Don't let this be another year of not talking or being nasty to each other. Let this be a year where you do the work and it does take work. It takes intentionality. Hard work, swallowing your pride, giving lots of forgiveness, seeking lots of forgiveness. And it's a process. But I just want to encourage you to do the hard work and let this year be different. And it doesn't happen overnight. But I promise you, guys, I want you like we've done many times where we've had some rough times. You'll look back and you'll be so glad that you walked through that hard time and really kind of saw yourself on the other side of it. And you know, it's usually kind of a little rough before it gets better in counseling and in any kind of process where you're trying to kind of heal from something and learn new ways. It's kind of a rocky road. But it's something that we need to walk through and understand kind of what got us there first of all. So we can stop doing those things that keep kind of making the problem get worse so that we can start doing the right things and walking, you know, moving our marriage in a healthy direction and walking in the freedom that gives us. And really I don't know. There's such a weight that's lifted when we get through those hard times.

And it's so worth working through the struggle because it does get better after the struggle.

It does.

I think in New Year's especially.

And you're stronger.

You're stronger. But people quit stuff most resolutions don't last. Because people quit stuff as soon as it gets hard. You know, like I'm gonna lose weight and as soon as it starts getting hard, we quit. Or I'm gonna work out consistently. But it hurts at first, when you're working out, you're not used to it.

You get sore.

But then, if you stick with it, it starts feeling really good and your body starts responding. But you have to work through the difficulty to get to the breakthrough on the other side. And so with whatever habits, you're starting changing stopping to make this the best year of marriage. Yet commit now to work through the uncomfortable part because there's gonna be a little, little season of discomfort. But when you get over that hump man, it makes all the difference. And so commit to those things, guys, and continue to listen to the naked marriage podcast. Make that a daily or not a daily. We don't have them every day, but a weekly aspect of what you're doing. And I think that could help because what we've got planned this year, the interviews, the conversations with our upcoming book, the counterfeit Climax, which you can pre order right now. By the way, if you go to theCounterFitClimax, dot com you can join our launch team, we would love for you to be part of that and be the very first to read it. I think this might be the most important resource we've ever written because this could make twenty, twenty two the best year of your marriage. And specifically the best year of your sex life. Because that's what this book is all about is working through the stuff that holds us back. And continue to listen week after week. We've got some great stuff planned and just thank you for being part of this what's now a global podcast community. And we thank you for the messages we get from all over the world. It really is humbling to get to be on this journey with you. So we're gonna transition now into my favorite part of the episode. It's Q and a Time.

That's right.

Thanks for those who send us questions.

We always only see them. Right. When I know, our producer Marcus kind of flashes it on screen for us. So here we go.

Says my husband and I got here, this is from a woman. ¿Why don't you read it? So it's like it's in a woman's voice.

I will do that, but you have.

The best of all voices too.

So I'm glad you think so, sweetie. All right. It says my husband and I got married five months ago. And before we got married, we talked about our struggles with pornography and masturbation. Now, into our marriage, we are both still struggling despite having an active and great sex life. I was always taught that the opposite sex cannot be your accountability partner. And I'm not sure how that works in marriage. Now my husband hides his struggle from me unless I ask him about it. I want us to be open and accountable when we slip back into masturbation. I really appreciate you being so honest about this question. I think a lot of couples. I think a lot of couples struggle with this. And I do understand her question about when she was a single person or maybe even just dating her soon to be husband. She was told that her accountability partner, you know, should not be someone of the opposite sex. And so she's kind of questioning what now. And I think that's a valid question. But what I would say is when you marry my goodness, a husband and wife are the ultimate accountability partners. ¿Right? Yeah. And so definitely talk to each other about that. Now, you know, it's okay if you have a trusted woman in your life, you know, a very trusted friend who's wise. Who also, you know, like we always say they love you, they love God, they love your spouse and they're for your marriage. Make sure they have all four of those things. And you can maybe, you know, trust that person with some of your struggles and ask them to hold you accountable. That would be great. But they cannot be a substitute for your spouse, especially because this is something that affects your spouse. And so you definitely want to be honest with each other. And since it's a struggle that you both share, and obviously it's going to be to varying degrees, it is important that you talk about it and hold each other accountable and not an accusing way. But just in I want you to hold me accountable on this because I love you and I don't want to hurt you and I want to have a thriving marriage in sex life, so good.

These are the exact kinds of scenarios by the way we talk about so openly in the counterfeit climax.

Yes.

And so I'm just so excited for that to come out because I think it's going to lead couples through some really great conversations. But just to echo what Ashley said, you know, be that accountability partner for each other in addition to that having someone of the same sex, a friend that you can kind of confide in and just, you know, be able to talk woman to woman or man to man. I think that's healthy too. It's not either, or I think it's both.

Both would be great.

But talk about everything with your spouse. Because secrecy is the very place where intimacy gets destroyed. You've got to stay honest through this struggle and that honesty will bring you closer together and let your marriage be filled with a lot of grace. But also try to lift each other to that higher standard to say, listen, this is, this is part of our past. But we don't want this to be part of our present or part of our future. And when we slip up in it, we're going to give ourselves and each other a ton of grace. But we're also going to keep pressing forward to try to get to a place where that's no longer part of our sex life because we want just each other to be the sole place where sexual fulfillment really happened. And yeah, and keep working toward that.

Absolutely. And here's some very practical steps that you can take. I think when it comes to any kind of habits that you're trying to stop that you know are not affecting, you know, you know that they are negatively affecting you and they're also infringing on the kind of marriage and sex life that you want to have. You need to make sure that you remove anything that is going to cause you to fall into temptation. And so, if it's certain shows you're watching that aren't technically pornographic but. But maybe edge on pornographic. Stop watching those shows. Maybe in that subscription to whatever that show happens to be on if it is pornography, make sure that you get a filtration system on all of your devices. We recommend lots of different places. There's custodio that's with a queue. That's an app that we have on all of our devices currently, not only just for us, but also for our children. Xxxchurch Dot Com has filtration software, but also they have accountability groups for people who are struggling with pornography and masturbation. I also think it's important to make sure that you pray about this. I think that so many times we're afraid to pray about our sex life or even our sexual habits that we know are not what God would have us do. And we're kind of afraid like God's gonna shy away from it. But the truth is God created sex. He knows about our desires. He knows about our bodies, and he's not scared of it. But we need to go to him and say, listen, God, I'm really struggling with this. I'm struggling with lust. I'm struggling with masturbation. ¿Will you help me to take these thoughts captive and to replace them with your truth? And I'm telling you he will meet you there, but it takes us being mindful enough to really surrender that to him and to really pray about it. And don't only pray about it individually. I would even encourage you both to pray about this together. And that may seem so weird. I know for some people like prayer is even more intimate than sex. Like it's even more intimate, but that's the beauty of it, you guys, because it's the two of you coming together with the Lord humbling yourselves before him, but also humbling yourselves before one another. And saying like this is what we're dealing with. We know we're not defined by this. We know we're not even held captive by this, that Jesus is greater. But it's going to take God intervening there to help you to renew your mind and to help you break that bad habit in your life. And so definitely make prayer a huge part of this healing journey, but also keep holding on to hope. I think the fact that you wrote us today shows your strength and shows your wisdom. I just commend you on on being newlyweds who are willing to be honest about this and recognizing it for what it is. We talk about this in the counterfeit climax at greater length. But that is the first step to walking in freedom from this. And so I just. I want to commend you that you are taking those steps necessary. And I just encourage you to keep listening to this podcast as well if you haven't already please go back and listen to some of our other episodes. We have many episodes that talk about not only pornography, but sexual baggage, different sexpectations and how we can talk to our spouse about this also how we can be free from some of the shame and the different strongholds we've had in our lives. So I just appreciate you for sharing that question with us today. And I really hope that the answer helps you both.

Yeah. So thank you for your courage in sharing that. And you've done the biggest healthiest first step by just reaching out, asking for advice absolutely. And by admitting to one another that this is something that you're doing that you want to collectively stop doing for the sake of your marriage, and so you're on the right path and so just commend yourselves to where you are and then continue to cheer each other on as you take those steps forward doing the things that we've talked about here. And, guys, thank you again for listening. Thank you for being part of this online community and we just are praying for you and cheering you on and believing that twenty twenty two is going to be your best year of marriage. Yet God bless, we'll see you next.

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