Health Setbacks

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I love audiobooks.

Audiobook you can get on Amazon through Audible. We recorded it. We had so much fun recording this audiobook. So if you enjoy listening to the podcast, I think you're really gonna enjoy listening to the audiobook. And anytime you purchase any of the resources, this book or otherwise, all that money goes back to support the ministries here at XO Marriage, which is a nonprofit ministry. And you're helping us. You're partnering with us, not only helping your marriage, but partnering with us to create resources to help other marriages. And so we just wanna say thank you.

We do. And on today's episode, we're gonna talk about healthy setbacks, like health setbacks. Let me start over with that. Can I stop there?

Okay.

And on today's podcast, we're gonna talk about health setbacks. You know, what do we do when we're trying to be healthy, but we have some kind of setback, Whether we brought it on ourselves or maybe we, you know, it just happened to us, like a diagnosis or a car wreck or something like that. So before we dive into today's episode, I wanna share favorite reviews we've ever received. It's just so sweet. It, like, brought tears to my eyes. And it is from Kay Ellis, 2020. And she says this awesome resource. I love this podcast. I don't even have the words to explain how deeply this ministry has touched my life and the life of my marriage. Thank you so much.

Wow.

Thank you so much for those words. You know, when you leave a review, it just. It keeps us going. It keeps us just excited about doing this and knowing that it's helping. You know, you guys out there, that's why we do this whole thing, is that we're trying to help you in your marriage. And so if you have not left and you love this podcast, please go and do so. It's the best way to let others know about this podcast. And so now's the time for us to dive in.

You know, our goal is to be naked and healthy. That's what we're talking about in this new season of the podcast. That's what we're talking about in the new book Naked and Healthy, which you can get@nakedandhealthy.com, by the way. But there are times when you're gonna face health setbacks where you're gonna have to. That whole in sickness and in health vow is gonna take on new meaning because you're facing some illness or some injury or some season of your marriage when one or both of you are really struggling. And so what does it look like to have a healthy marriage when you're working through that together? And certainly in life, that's gonna happen, and we need to be ready for it as best we can. So what do we do when it happens? Or for those folks who are listening right now, and maybe you're in a season like that where you're like, you know, our energy level's down, one of us or both of us are facing some kind of real struggle. It could be temporary. It might be something that could even be permanent. How do we work through that together?

Oh, man, it can be really tough. You know, it can be a really, really tough season. I know that we've had tough seasons with health setbacks in our own marriage, but we've also, we've watched kind of, you know, the really super hard circumstances where maybe someone's diagnosed with cancer or, you know, maybe they're getting a car wreck and they can't really do all the things that they would normally do to kind of have a healthy lifestyle for a while. It could be even mental health can affect our physical health and vice versa. And so I think the biggest thing when it comes to marriage and facing health setbacks is that we need to face them together. And number two, I really feel like we just need to walk into those seasons with compassion for both ourselves, individually and collectively, because I think the hard thing that happens is we can get really frustrated at God for like, why did you allow this to happen when things are tough and we have these things that we didn't even bring on ourselves, that just happened, you know, like a diagnosis or something like that. But I think that, you know, what a lot of people don't talk about is we can get really frustrated when our spouse isn't healing or seeing the progress that we had hoped they would, because it slows down our life, too. And you start to see two people kind of have distance between them because they're handling it differently. And so it's important to have compassion and to give each other the space to process these setbacks, you know, in the way that. That they do. And it's gonna be at a different rate because we're not clones of each other. We're gonna experience different things and have different feelings about it. And so it can be really hard. I think, though, when it comes to health setbacks, we can have more compassion for our spouse when maybe there is a diagnosis or a car wreck or something that was out of their control. But what's really hard is when we feel like things are in their control and they're just not caring about the health setback.

Right. And some people write us with situations like that, specifically where maybe the health setback isn't an injury or an illness or something that's, like Ashley said, out of your control. But to give a specific example, we've had someone write us and say, like my husband or my wife, they don't seem to care at all about their fitness and their health, and they're just kind of progressively getting in worse and worse shape. They don't have any energy. But the reason why they don't have any energy is because their diet's terrible. They never exercise. And health is important to me. And I feel like for them to not care at all about their health, it's actually hurting them. It's hurting our marriage, and I don't know what to do about it because we obviously can't make those decisions for each other. Each individual has to decide, what am I going to eat, what am I going to do for exercise? And it puts marriages sometimes at a strain when, for one spouse, like, health is this huge value. Like, I want to stay active. I want to be a good steward of this one body that God's given me so I can live as long and as full as I can and make the most of every moment. And for the other spouse, maybe they feel like it's not as important to me. And when one spouse is Pressuring the other. That spouse that's not doing much might just shut down and say, like, I feel unsafe when you're always badgering me. It makes me feel like you don't love me as I am. It makes me feel like that your love is conditional or that if I looked a different way, you'd love me more. And it's complicated. You're right. It's complicated because that one spouse that's trying to spur the other one onto better, healthy habits, it might not even be, I want you to look like this airbrushed supermodel. It might just be like, I want you to have the energy to live a full life and to live a long life with me. And so let's figure out a way to help each other be healthy. But it's complicated. So how do you.

It is.

I'm hoping you have the answer. I'm just kind of mumbling at this point. I'm hoping you've got the brilliant answer to what to do in that situation.

Well, I think we have to come from the standpoint again. Number one, we're doing this together, right? Together. Doesn't mean we're following the same regimen. We've talked about this before. But it does mean that we are facing it together, that we both, collectively are going to try and encourage one another to be at our healthiest. And number two, like we talked about, have compassion. Because again, like, maybe you guys are both committing to a healthy season, and one of you is, like, dropped 10 pounds in two weeks, and the other literally maybe dropped a fraction of a pound, and you're, like, so frustrated, and, you know, you can't look at your spouse and be like, you're not working hard enough. You only dropped a fraction of a pound. Because the truth is, that person, you know, your spouse could be working just as hard, if not harder than you, but their metabolism, you know, it's not as high as yours, and there's all kinds of different factors. And so, again, we have to have compassion and understanding. But I also think we need to really come from the standpoint of cheering each other on but refraining from judgment, because that is something that will just shut it down so quickly. I mean, even. I'll just be honest with you guys. So just recently, Dave and I, at the time we're recording this, we are coming off a vacation with our family, and we were eating so much, and I was getting dressed this morning, and I was like, oh, I just feel. I mean, my clothes fit fine. They fit the same. They always Have, But I just feel a little bit flabbier, I guess you'd say.

Or you are not fluffier.

Like, I just.

Amazing. Well, I was thinking, whatever you're doing, it's working.

I was saying that today, though. I was like, man, I need to, like, bump up my exercise routine. Because we haven't been able to, with the travel and everything. We haven't been able to do our normal walks that we do every day. And I have my little AB routine I do most days. And I was like. And with the exercise, I'm like, oh, man, I just need to get back on my regimen. I just feel yucky. And he's like, no. He's like, I just. I love your body. And he said, honestly, throughout our whole marriage, I just think it's beautiful, no matter what, and don't beat yourself up. And he was so reassuring. And I think that that's something, as spouses, we can always do, is reassure. And some of you listening might be saying, well, then I'm just perpetuating the false idea that they think they're just okay as they are. That is not at all what you're doing. You're just showing them that you love them regardless.

Yeah.

And that's really important.

People are at their best when they know they're loved. And when they feel like that in any way, love is conditional. They shut down. And so you do. First and foremost, you have to show unconditional love. And then any encouragement you give toward healthier habits has to be motivated purely by love, not by control. It can never feel like if your spouse feels like you're trying to control them, they're gonna shut down. If they feel like you're trying to manipulate them or parent them, they're gonna shut down. None of this stuff works. And there's gonna be different seasons. Like Ashley said, you know, here we're talking about naked and healthy, but. But I've been joking lately, the way I've been eating, I might as well just call it naked and squishy, because you're not squishy. Even last night, we got together with some friends and just ate an amazing meal. Because we know the chef. He's been on the podcast. In fact, go listen to that episode. Talking to him reminded me it was about cultural differences. Episode 71. Cause I looked it up to make sure I knew which one. Episode 71, it's called Cultural Clashes in Marriage. Terry and Kiwi's story.

So good.

And it kind of in some ways even relates to this, because they are coming from two different cultures. You know, she came from, you know, the Philippines, and her story is just inspiring. I don't want to give it away, but go listen to their story. But I think sometimes in this health journey, you and your spouse could be coming kind of having a culture clash in marriage.

Health cultures.

Health cultures. You're not necessarily from two different languages, two different sides of the world, but you are experiencing this health culture where one of you looks at health as a certain kind of core value in a very specific way. It has to look like this. I have to eat like this, and it's very rigid. And the other one might just think, like, no, I just want to live. You know, I just want to enjoy and trying to find that balance. And, man, in different seasons of my own life, I've been on all kinds of different extremes with health. And probably more often than not, I've been the. More like, let's just live, you know, like, hanging out with Terry the chef last night, I'm like, you know, bring another round of that dessert. I mean, it's some of the best dessert I've ever had. I still. I just dream about those things.

Con roll.

Oh, man, it was so good. And ice cream in the middle. So you do have to live, but at the same time, you have to. In every season. Monitor and adjust is a term that Ashley uses a lot, which I love. Cause it's like, let's look at where we are right in this season. Let's monitor where we are, and let's adjust to, say, what's working, what's not. You know, our bodies change through the years, our goals change, our lifestyles change. So how do we maintain health and living a full life in every season of life, to honor God, to honor each other, and to be at our best for those who love us and need us and still be able to enjoy that pecan roll, too, every now and then. So what does that look like season by season?

You know, I do think. And that term monitor and adjust, I can't even take credit for it. We actually heard that from a sweet couple in Tennessee when we were doing a conference, and they happened to share that with us. And I was like, I'm gonna adopt that. That's amazing, because I do think it applies to really, every part of life, but especially when it comes to your marriage and saying, you know, what is working in our life? And these can be things that are otherwise good. Like, I'm not just talking about, let's take away the bad things. I'm talking sometimes it's taking away the good things, like the routines that aren't working in this season and being willing to do so. And I think it's very similar when it comes to your health journey. And I know right now, you know, when this podcast first drops, we're still kind of embracing the new year, but still having the effects of a pandemic. And for some of us, we've had health setbacks because our behaviors have changed in this pandemic. And I think a lot of people are eating more than they used to. They're drinking more than they used to. They're not exercising like they used to. And so for a lot of us, it's been a hard year financially, it's been a hard year emotionally. We're dealing with so much. And so we've kind of taken on some new habits that aren't healthy. And that is, you know, this monitor and adjust kind of mindset is, you gotta look at that and say, I can't keep on saying I'm doing this because of COVID I can't keep on giving myself, you know, a pass, because this pandemic is hard. Even though we can embrace that, it's hard, but, you know, it has to stop at some point. We have to stop the bleeding, so to speak. We have to stop the bad habits. But how we can do that as a spouse is we don't judge.

Right.

We, through love, say, you know, especially when our spouse comes to us and says, like, I'm really struggling. We say, well, I want to help you do that. I want to come alongside you and help you get back to a healthier routine. Get back to healthier choices.

Yeah. And we hope that this conversation today is maybe a turning point in that direction. And we're not at all trying to, like, judge when we say these things, because, like, my goodness, like, over the all of 2020, it was such a different year. I was way out of my routine, and I was just eating too much and not exercising. I mean, I was doing all these things at different times. We're talking about. So we're on this journey with you.

Absolutely, absolutely.

But we're just saying let's together collectively kind of rise up and make healthier choices. But when we talk about health setbacks, it's not just those kind of health setbacks where it's like, oh, my diet's gotten out of whack, or I'm. I'm falling down this path. Sometimes it is those big things that are totally out of your control. It's the huge illness, it's the car accident that is life changing. There are couples listening right now, and we all know couples who are dealing with just ongoing illness that is chronic. They're dealing with ongoing pain, ongoing health setbacks. And that has such a strain on the individual and potentially the marriage. And so how, in sickness and in health, what does it look like to support each other when the path to health is so much more complicated? Then let's just go on walks at night and eat a little bit better. But it's things that are totally out of your control, like, how do we support each other? Where you get that diagnosis that is life changing, and you're like, okay, well, I wasn't planning to hear word like cancer or Ms. Or something that's gonna change our life. What do we do to support each other in that?

You know, we'll share a little bit here. I wanna say we go extensively into things you can do in our book Naked and Healthy. And again, you can get that@nakedandhealthy.com but, you know, just to give a little bit about this, it's so important, again, to have compassion. But I think this is where prayer is absolutely essential. I mean, I know in our own health setbacks. You know, like we've shared with you guys. You know, Dave had a diagnosis with a thyroid disorder several years ago. And any of you who've dealt with thyroid disorders, you know, it takes a while to get the medication right. It affects a lot of different parts of your body and your mind. And it really messed with day for a while. And it was hard. And, you know, it took both of us working together to find solutions, like to research things, to try different solutions that were, you know, homeopathic to go with the different medications. The doctor was like, okay, this didn't work. Let's try this. You know, you try to find the multifaceted approach. But also, I know anytime there's a diagnosis, you know, even if it's a physical diagnosis of something wrong, it affects the mind. And it really did. It affected your mind. And so there was then that mental health issue of feeling like my body's not working right, you know, and I feel sometimes powerless in how to help it. I mean, sometimes when you get a diagnosis, you can feel that way. Cause it's, again, it's a process. And so it's important to reassure your spouse to be there. I think that prayer, again, it just kind of brings you back to realizing that God is still in control. You know, you might have received a cancer diagnosis, a thyroid diagnosis, a horrible. You might have had a horrible car wreck, but God is still in control. He is with you and for you. And as a spouse, you know, who is trying to help their spouse, it's important that you remind your spouse of that. Not being pie in the sky, not owning up to the fact that this is terrible and you have compassion and you're like, yes, I will that I don't like this season either, and I hate this happened to you. But we know that God is still good and God is still here for us and we're gonna get through this. I think it's just important to keep on reassuring your spouse. And, you know, that's something that we've walked through and Dave's certainly done that for me. I've shared many times throughout this podcast that I went through a long battle with anxiety and depression, and that certainly was a health setback for me. I ended up gaining weight during that time and that affected then my confidence. And Dave was so awesome about just reminding me that he loved me, reminding me that God loves me and that we would get through this together. And I think too, one thing Dave always did for me in those moments is he would try to bring kind of moments where we could just not feel the weight, you know, whether it be just funny joke or a funny story or watching one of our favorite funny movies. And this isn't just ignoring the problem. It's just that sometimes you gotta release the tension.

Laughter's good medicine.

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God made us to want to experience joy even in the hard times. And joy, by the way, it's a gift from God. It's not rooted in your circumstances. You can have joy even from a hospital bed. You can have joy no matter what you're going through. It's deeper than happiness. It's deeper than just kind of the surface. It's that joy of knowing that God's with us. He's for us. Our pain is always temporary, and our joy with him is going to be eternal and remind each other of that perspective. But Ashley has said, and I love this, she said a strong marriage rarely has two strong people at the same time. It's usually a husband and wife taking turns being strong for each other. And with these health setbacks, I think that is such a key thing to remember, that we don't have to both be strong at the same time. But if one of us is hurting, then the other one, that's an opportunity to serve your spouse by rising up and being the strong one for them, being the extra encourager, being the one that's bringing that light and laughter when it's appropriate, being the one to give those extra shoulder rubs and back rubs, being the one to, you know, to just step up and to give your spouse space to heal, whatever that looks like. And first and foremost, make sure that they know they're loved in the midst of this, whether it's a huge medical issue or whether it's just kind of like some unhealthy lifestyle choices. First and foremost, the main theme of this whole podcast, and really the main theme of marriage, is make sure your spouse knows you're there unconditionally, you love them unconditionally, you're not going anywhere, and that you consider them the greatest gift in your life and that you just count it a privilege to be able to love and serve them as their spouse. And if you'll do that through every season of health or lack of health, I think your marriage can continue to remain strong, naked and healthy. All right, guys. It's my favorite time of the podcast. We always end the podcast with a Q and a. It's a question we have not seen until this very moment. You can write us questions@nakedmarriagepodcast.com to be answered potentially right here on the podcast. You can also write us on social media. We're Ave and ashleywillis on Instagram, or you can just search the word marriage on Facebook and we should pop up. Or you can find us individually on Facebook as well. But thank you for sending in these questions. So I'm going to read today's question and we will do our best to tackle it. Yeah. Today's question is this. It says, I work full time. I work A full time job to provide for my family. And I'm trying to start my own business. This means I have to work on that during evenings and weekends. I'm always tired when I get done working and most nights fall asleep before even thinking about having sex with my wife. I feel like I'm not being a good husband or father. My wife and kids are superstars. How do I juggle my work with my marriage and my family and. Great question. And so many folks who are listening are in that busy season of life, you know, where you're trying to juggle work and raising kids and you're just, you're in those years where it seems like there aren't enough hours in the day, there isn't enough energy to do everything that you need, you need to do. And you know, what does it look like to make sure? And I appreciate this guy's honesty and his question of saying, I want to put my family first, make sure their needs are being met. But I also, I don't know how to do it while still doing these other things to prepare and provide for them long term. So what does that look like?

You know, I do, I admire his honesty in this. And I can tell he's weary and, you know, he's trying to, I'm sure starting his own business, it's a dream he has for the family and he's doing this. He has good intentions. But I know, you know, working a full time trying to start a business and also be a present husband and father is really tough. So I would tell him, you know, as far as it comes, I'm just gonna address the sex aspect of this really quick. You know, you have a lot of things on your calendar right now that you're trying to meet. And I would say you need to put sex on the calendar and make that a priority because it's just right now your life is so busy, it's not gonna be able to happen unless you make it a priority. And that sounds so. I know we've said this before on the podcast and it seems very like, it doesn't seem romantic and it seems kind of like weird, but I'm telling you, in those busy seasons, what you put on the calendar is what happens. And if you want it to happen, put it on the calendar. And you know, it's hard in the midst of raising kids and having a full time job and starting a business to be spontaneous, let's just be honest. But put it on that calendar and prioritize maybe a date night and make sure that you're regularly. It's gonna look different for everybody. But regularly having sex. And I would even venture to say to this husband that it might. It's probably gonna help you feel better, and you'd probably even sleep better, like, on those nights when you make that a priority. Because I can tell he's very weary here. And that's a great way to connect with your wife. But it's about so much more than sex. You know, it's about looking in her eyes and really seeing what's going on in her life and engaging with your kids. And so I wanna tell you this too, and I know this is really tough. We talked about monitoring and adjusting earlier. I want you to look at your schedule with your wife and say, what on here do we need to remove? Cause it could be all good things, like I said. And we've had to do this many times in our marriage. I mean, it's a perpetual thing that you have to do because life is always changing. But say, like, what on here can we remove? Could we take off this one thing for a season while I'm starting this business? Because I feel like I literally don't even have time to love on my wife and kids. And you both decide what can go for a while, shelf it. And then you use that time to prioritize your marriage and time with your family. And I think you're gonna feel so much, and your family is gonna feel better too, because I know what you're doing is important, but you don't wanna lose sight of your family in the midst of it. And I can tell that's your heart, and that's why you've written us. And I appreciate that. And I know that your heart is the heart of so many moms and dads and husbands and wives listening and watching. And so I really appreciate your transparency with this because it is a tough situation, but there are things you can do to help it.

Yeah. And in every busy season, there are certainly times we're working more than others, but we also have to be careful that that busy season doesn't turn into a lifestyle where we're putting our kids and wife on the back burner. Because those are really the priorities. If we forget what we're working for and work can take over and he.

Doesn'T want to do that. Clearly, clearly, he has the right intentions. Clearly.

Clear he has the right intentions. So just a few practical things I'd add to what Ashley said is with each of your kids, carve out maybe, like, 15 minutes per day. Per kid to say, I'm gonna take that time individually, one on one, with each kid to do something they want to do, to connect with them around something that's gonna be meaningful to them. And it could be throwing a ball with your son, it could be reading a story with the daughter, it could be whatever kind of they're into, but. And hopefully it's more than that. But to just say, as a starting point, every day, per child, one on one, uninterrupted, I'm gonna spend that time just with them and then also with my wife, like, every day, like, uninterrupted. At the end of the day, like, I'm gonna have, you know, an hour with my wife to just hang out. You know, maybe we're watching a show or whatever, but we're talking, we're together, and we're making sure that we're connected. And just kind of like write those things into your calendar as if they're the most important thing, more important than any meeting you've got or any other agenda item that you have for work. So even though it might not right now be as much time as you want it to be, it's the most important thing on the calendar. And you're going to keep building on that. And I think that those consistent deposits in the love bank of your family will help. It'll help you. It'll help you have more peace of mind. It's certainly going to help them because they need that consistent presence from you. So it's good to work hard. But remember the greatest gift that we as dads can give our families, the gift of our presence, the gift of ourselves. And, yeah, we need to be providers and all that too. But I think that where we tend to get off balance is looking at the provider part as the only role. And this guy's got it right because he's saying, I don't want to just be a provider in terms of money. I want to be a provider in terms of my love and my presence. And all of us moms and dads, we need to remember that and make sure we're doing that. So hope that's helpful to you. We all need that reminder. I need that reminder, too. And we need to be there for our families. Hope you got have enjoyed this episode of the Naked Marriage podcast. Do us a favor and subscribe to this podcast. Leave a review. We read the reviews. They mean a lot to us. And it. It also helps other people discover this. The message, the important messages that we talk about here.

That's right. And we hope to have you join us next time. Bye.

Bye.