Healthy Expectations

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Hello and welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast we undress the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And we're really excited about the episode that we have for you today. But before we dive in, we want to mention one of your reviews. We are so appreciative to all of you who take the time to give us a five star review and tell us what the podcast means to you. So if you haven't done that yet, that is the best way to let others know about the Naked Marriage podcast. So today I. I'm gonna read a review from D. Stone 02 and it's entitled Unlikely Listener. It says, I saw Dave comment on Twitter about this podcast and I thought I could use a little guidance on how to be a better husband. When I started listening, I didn't realize it was a religious podcast. Lol. I don't follow the word, nor do I believe anymore. Past church experience ruined me completely, sadly. But this podcast has given me insight on things that I need to be aware of and work on. Thank you for helping me see things differently and that I just love that because, you know, they weren't expecting to get much out of it and they did. And so we just appreciate you writing us and we're so glad that you're getting a lot out of the podcast. So thank you for having that review.

And we even hope that, you know, God will use this podcast to kind of heal some of those wounds past church hurt that could open you back up to faith in a new way because Jesus wants you. He wants to have a relationship with you. And people will hurt us, you know, sometimes even at church, because every person's imperfect. So every church is imperfect, but God is perfect and he's with you and for you. And thanks for listening and we just are glad you're getting something out of it. So we got a great episode today talking about healthy expectations in marriage, and it's gonna be a great conversation. A few quick plugs before we jump in. Number one, this whole series with health is based on Our new book, Naked and Healthy. And thank you for those who've already listened to the audiobook of Naked and Healthy or read the ebook or paperback version if you haven't yet, you can get a copy of Naked and healthy@nakedandhealthy.com or Amazon or wherever you happen to get your books.

And leave a review for that, too.

Yeah, please leave a review for that.

Let people know about it.

We want to know how it's connecting with you. And for those who at the live events or, you know, online have told us how much the book has meant to them, it really means a lot to us. We're really excited about this book, and it's unlike anything else we've ever written. And I think it could have a really immediate and practical difference in your marriage. I also have one other random plug for you guys watching on YouTube and not listening. This won't mean as much to you, but I'm drinking out of my favorite mug and it says trophy husband, and.

He is a trophy husband.

I love the trophy husband mug. I know we're still several months away from Father's Day, but, like, your husband needs this mug.

He does.

So go to xomarriage.com store. You can get all this stuff. And by all this, all these things, anytime you purchase something from this, all the money goes straight back into the ministry. So it's helping our nonprofit Christian ministry to create more resources to help more people, and also bringing a smile to your face as well when you drink out of your favorite mug. Because your husband should know he's a trophy husband. That's right.

That's right.

So, but that's not what this, this episode's not about mugs. It's about expectations and healthy expectations. It's going to be a great conversation. Let's dive in. I'm excited about the conversation today, and this was really inspired. We, we, we listen to what you guys are really responding to. And sometimes if we write a blog article or we put out a video on Facebook or we put something on social media and you really connect to it, we think let's go back and really explore that more on the Naked Marriage podcast.

Yes.

And this episode is inspired in that kind of way. Ashley had an article that was really popular@xomarriage.com, which is our ministry's website, all of our blog articles and everything, you can find them there. And it was about a wife's expectations in marriage. And then I also had one not as popular because obviously is the better writer.

That's true.

She's prettier and smarter too. Oh my gosh, I just love her so much. But it was about husband's expectations in marriage. And that word expectation is kind of a trigger word. Like, we hear it and people are like, oh my gosh, what's this about? Because you know, what's being expected of me? Or what should I expect? And even it makes people uncomfortable in some ways.

It does.

What's the expectation here? And so we want to just talk about it like, what is a healthy expectation a wife should have of her husband? What's a healthy expectation a husband should have for his wife? And this isn't trying to put pressure and obligation on one another in a scorekeeping kind of way. And it's not a manipulative thing. Like, if you don't meet this expectation, then there's going to be consequences. It's not that at all. It's like, this is. And saying needs would maybe just be needs a word. I have this expectation, but really this is a need. This is just what I need as a husband from my wife. This is what I need as a wife for my husband. So, sweetie, we're gonna start out with your great article that so many people read and commented on to just share the list of the healthy expectations a wife has of her husband.

That's right. And again, we could flip flop and replace expectations with the word needs. Cause when I look back at the comments on, you know, so many people were like, yes, this is exactly it. But there were a lot that said, I don't know if you should go into marriage with any expectations. And so I would say, you know, I understand it is a trigger word. But again, this is more about needs. And again, we do have certain expectations in marriage. I mean, if we went with no expectations, why get married at all, right? I mean, we're making promises to each other we would have no need for vows. And so we certainly do have certain expectations.

The vows, exactly. You're saying this is what you can expect from me. That in sickness and in health, I'm gonna be there. That for better or for worse, I'm gonna be there. You can expect this from me. And I'm making that call and I'm.

Going to meet this. Like, my goal is to meet this and to keep these vows. So yes, so we're gonna talk about that. So for a wife. And again, we're referencing a blog@xomarriage.com if you wanna see all the details about this. Number one, it says, and these are in no particular order of importance. Number one, a wife needs her husband to stand by her side, protect her and honor her through thick and thin. And this is based on scripture. In Proverbs 17:17, part A, it says, a friend is always loyal, and loyalty is huge. You know, we need loyalty absolutely when it comes to marriage. Number two, it says a wife needs her husband to share his heart and be her best listener. In Proverbs 27:9, it says, the heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense. Heartfelt counsel. And I think this is one where. And we will camp out on some of these and kind of go into more detail, but this is one where I think a lot of husbands cringe because they're like, I don't have the words, you know, but we're gonna talk about that and how, you know, we may have. Some of us are more, you know, better communicators than others. But there's ways that a husband, even if he's not much of a talker, can be a great listener, can share his heart. And that's necessary in a strong marriage. All right, number three, a wife needs her husband to always, in all caps, be honest and transparent with her in the most loving way possible. In Proverbs 27:6, it says, Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. So basically, what that's saying is, you know, don't hold back. You need to tell the truth in the most loving way possible. Be honest, be vulnerable. That's huge. You guys know the entire podcast we are doing right now is called the Naked Marriage, because it is based on that, how a healthy marriage is one of honesty and transparency and vulnerability.

Yes. And we're also naked here in the studio.

No, we are not. If you're watching on YouTube, you know, we're not.

We're not.

He loves to say that, though. All right, number four, a wife needs her husband to be her biggest fan and motivator. Proverbs 27:17 says, as iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend. And so, you know, I love that verse. And that's great for friendship, too. And the best marriages are between best friends, like we always say.

Absolutely.

But, you know, we wanna know that we're for each other, not against each other. And we're bringing out the best in each other. Number five, a wife needs her husband to foster her strength and health in mind, body and spirit. 3 John 1:2. I'm sorry, chapter one, verse two says, Dear friend, I hope all is well. With you and that you are as healthy in body as you are strong in spirit. And I love that. That goes right along with our series that we're doing, you know, naked and Healthy, based on our book, Naked and Healthy. And how we wanna encourage each other to be healthy in our mind, in our bodies, and in our spirit. And so that's huge. We have a lot of power as a spouse to really encourage our spouse in this area. Number six, A wife needs to know that her husband is wildly attracted to her, strongly desires her, and has eyes only for her.

Yes. That's the only one. You're gonna be like, yes, I'm for all of them. But I'm like. I've been just mesmerized.

Like, you're like. It involves sex. Yes.

No, I've been contemplative. I've been equally enthused about all of them.

I'm teasing you, sweetie. This made you really perk up, though.

I want you to know that. These eyes for you. And I like. I'm looking and I'm liking.

I love that. Trying to remember what movie that's from, but it makes me laugh. All right, the verse that goes with this is from Song of Solomon, the steamiest book of the Bible, for sure. And it's chapter two, verse ten. It says, my beloved spoke and said to me, arise, my darling, my beautiful one. Come with me. So beautiful. We love that. Definitely wanna have eyes only for each other and to have desire going, you know, and flowing all throughout the marriage. All right, number seven, last one for the wives. And I'm sure there's many more expectations and needs, but these are some big ones. Number seven. A wife needs to know that her husband is willing to lay down his very life for her. In John, chapter 15, verse 13, it says, There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends. And again, if you're married, you know, your best friend should be your spouse. And, you know, this is something that actually we. When we look at the verses that are specifically about marriage, it talks about a husband being willing to do this. And, you know, I know that. I think a lot of times we forget this, and it sounds. We're like, really? I mean, is that really what God is calling us to do? But as we talked about on here a lot is when God designed marriage, he actually designed it to be to mimic what Christ has done for the church, and he laid down his very life for us. And so, you know, there are verses where it talks about us, you know, Submitting to one another. And it says, you know, wives, respect your husbands. But then it says, husbands, be willing to give your life, you know, to lay down your life for your wife. And so I know we ran through those really fast. Again, if you go to xomarriage.com and look up a wife's expectations in marriage, you can find more details. But are there any of those that you want to camp out on, sweetie, to give more detail to on what that looks like?

Yeah. I think everything on that list is something that it should be a joy for a husband to fulfill. Like, there is. We don't like this word either. There is certain duty we have in marriage. Everything in our life that's really worth doing, we have a duty to our children to provide for them. We have a duty to God, a duty to our spouse. But within the way God designed marriage and family and even our relationship with him, it really is more of a joy. It's like, I get to do these things. I get to serve my spouse in this way. I get to show my love for them in this way. And if we'll really see it as a joy to meet each other's needs, everything on that list and more, it's going to bring joy to your marriage like it was. It kind of made me stop. Recently, Ashley and I, we hadn't been on a trip just together alone in a long time because of travel restrictions, but we snuck away just a couple weeks ago to celebrate a big birthday of hers.

Yes.

And so we were planning this trip, and we got away, and we got there, and several different people that worked at this place, they were like, are you guys honeymooners? And we would say.

They ask us that a lot.

I would say, no. Why? And they'd say, well, you just. You just seem so happy. And I'm like, well, we are so happy. And they're like, well, are you like, newlyweds? Like, no, We've been married for 20 years. But it was kind of sad because in their experience, clearly, the only happy couples are the ones who are just starting out. And the longer you're married, the less happy you are. And I'm like, how sad? Because that's not the way it's supposed to work. And we should never buy into the myth that that's how it's supposed to work, that we're happy in the beginning, and then we just get progressively sadder and more miserable until one of us dies. That is not the way God designed Marri. And if we will look at these expectations as a Way to joyfully serve one another, man. There's going to be so much joy, and there should be so much joy and spark in your marriage. And these things you listed, I mean, pursuing each other, having eyes only for each other, being best friends. I think that friendship one, which is high on the husband's list. I'll read here in a minute. That's huge. That the best marriages truly are between best friends. And that's a part of your marriage that can grow richer through every season that you're going through life hand in hand, side by side, having fun, making sure that your friends, friends have fun together. You know, they endure the hard times together, obviously. But when you think about your best friends, they're people you laugh with. And if we're not laughing a lot together, then something's wrong. Even in the difficult seasons, if we can't find times to laugh, then we need to take a step back and say, where did the joy go? Where did the fun go? Where did the playfulness go? And we need to bring that back.

You know, I love that. We were actually, you know, sitting down talking to one of our other friends who does marriage ministry. Dan Leanne. He's awesome. If you haven't watched Dan Leanne or listened to Dan Leanne, look him up. He is a big proponent of joy. And he talks about this.

He lives it.

He lives it. And he was talking about this, this particular thing about laughter and joy in marriage. And he said, you know, it's so sad when we talk to couples and they've been married a long time, they have all this history together, they've done all these things together, and yet they don't laugh. And he actually shared a story about his wife, and he's known to be this funny guy. And he said there was one day somewhere along in their marriage where she said, you know, everybody knows you as a funny guy, but I can't remember the last time that you told me any jokes or anything like that. And he said it hit him like a ton of bricks. And he said it was really eye opening. And he said it was a real tender moment. And he said it was a blind spot to him because he's like, yeah, he's like, how? It's just really. It's a tragedy if here I am being the funny guy for everybody else but my own family, you know, I don't even, like, we don't laugh together. And so he said they really, I mean, as a family, like, one of their family values is to make each other laugh until they Pee. And I love that. And I was like, that is amazing. And so they go out of their way to let laughter be the soundtrack of their home. And I just, I love that. And especially in marriage, I think a lot of times we find it easier to make our kids laugh, to be that funny person for our kids. But our spouse. It's intimidating, but it's really not. We're complicating it. Think back to those little funny things. Like Dave mentioning that little line from a movie. I'm a lookin and I'm a likin'. It's funny. We will sometimes quote these little funny things from the office or from movies and we'll just laugh about it. Or we'll be like, remember that time when that happened? You know, wasn't that just crazy? I wonder how that person's doing. I haven't seen them in a long time. Like, it's just reminiscing and being intentional about how can I bring joy to my spouse's day.

Yeah. And try to surprise them. Like, I'll try to literally just like when the kids aren't home, be like naked at an unexpected time and walk out. Oh my gosh. Because it makes Ashley laugh, which would probably hurt my confidence and my feelings that apparently I'm really funny looking in the mirror.

You are not.

It's just funny.

Cause it's like, oh, you're naked.

But I'll do it just to get her to laugh. And then I'll go put my clothes back on.

You know, that's probably tmi. They're like, they are weird.

There's no such thing. This is a naked marriage podcast.

He's practicing for retirement. I think you're looking forward to some naked days.

There'll be a lot of wrinkles.

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Hey, I love it. I'm a looking and I'm liking. I'm a liking. See, I'm not even doing the line right.

But you've got to have fun. You need to just be playful and have a good time together.

And don't take yourself too seriously.

Don't take yourself too seriously.

It does take a certain level of just self deprecating humor. I guess. We have to not take ourselves too seriously. And I think that a lot of us, we've all kind of been through a hard last year, last year or two, and we've kind of been serious because we've gone through hardship. But that's when you need laughter the most.

You do.

I mean, that's when you need it the most. And so sometimes it just takes us humbling ourselves and just be silly and off the cuff. So I love that you brought that up.

And we're not saying make light of tragedy. There are times to grieve. There are times to walk through sort of solemn seasons. But in all seasons, I'm convinced we should never lose our joy. And we need to just make that a priority.

And I want to say one thing before we move on to the husband's expectations. That number one, again, they're not in any particular order of importance, but it talked about a wife needing to be protected by her husband. When we hear that, we automatically think physically protected. Like, oh, he needs to be a strong man to be able to, you know, to beat someone up if they try to come at the wife or whatever. And, yeah, that's awesome. Like, we definitely, you know, we need to come to each other's defense. But really, when it comes to this, I think in this day and age, more than any other time, it's really about protecting the reputation and having such respect for your spouse that you would never put something on social media that would hurt them or that would give them a bad reputation, that you would never try to hang out the dirty laundry to hurt your spouse or even not to hurt your spouse, but just not thinking and being, you know, just being inconsiderate and putting something out there that they told you never really to share or being in conversation and throwing your spouse under the bus. Like, we have witnessed this. And it literally just hurts my heart when I see it happening. And we've actually seen it. This one thing, a husband not fulfilling this one expectation. We've seen it ruin a marriage. And it's one of those things where you really have to have friends that you allow to speak into your life to call you out on it. And we since have, you know, we've done that. But he's had to learn the hard way. And that's just one example. We have many examples. But I think we forget this. Cause we. Maybe we're in a hurt season and we just. I don't know, maybe we're trying to make ourselves look better. And we say something that hurts our spouse, hurts their reputation, and it does major damage. And so we need to be very mindful of how we talk about our spouse, not only to them and the tone of our words, but also how we talk about them when they're there and when they're not there.

Yeah, the words you say to your spouse obviously matter, but I hope you guys Were listening the words you say about your spouse to anyone anywhere on social media. Oh, gosh. Yeah. If you're in your email or ever tempted to post some rant online about my lazy husband and just please don't. No. If you're tempted to go out with the girls after work or the guys after work and it just become a time to just complain about the old man or the old lady, don't do that. Because the words you speak about each other shape the tone of the whole marriage, Even if they're not there to hear them. It's training your mind to see your spouse that way. And your spouse is a treasure that needs to be protected at all times.

And I would even say this. I had a friend, a dear friend of mine, recently go through some really hard marriage times. And I remember there were some girls, you know, there were some of us getting together, and she very gracefully bowed out. And then my friend later on, my other friend was like. Cause I was like, oh, I was really hoping our friend would have come. I haven't seen her in a while. And she said, well, she told me that she's protecting her marriage because she can't be around this other friend that was gonna meet us for lunch because she talked so bad about her husband. And she said, and I'm just. Now we're kind of coming out of a really hard time, and I don't wanna fall back into old habits. And I just thought that was so wise. That's really good, because we do. Even though I know this particular friend of mine loves this other friend and eventually will get with her, she's trying to put that boundary in place to protect her marriage and her own. You know, she knows she's in a frail place because. In a vulnerable place because she's walked through a time when she was complaining about her husband and they were almost divorcing. And so she's like, you know, God brought us through this. I don't wanna go back to old ways. So sometimes it takes us in order to fulfill the expectations that we're trying to fulfill for our spouse. We have to sometimes cut off contact for a time with people that we know are gonna go against that expectation.

Yeah, that's huge. And that can be difficult. It can be awkward.

Yeah, yeah.

But those are the kind of stands we have to take for our marriage. That's what it means to protect. So fighting for your marriage doesn't usually mean throwing a punch at somebo. Sometimes means having the courage to remove yourself from situations or to have awkward conversations with someone in your life who's been a friend for a long time to say, listen, I love you, but here's why I can't be around you right now for the sake of prioritizing and protecting my marriage. And so who are the people who are the influences in your life that maybe you need to pull away from? And telling you who you surround yourself with makes a massive difference in the overall health of your marriage. Your marriage is going to start to look like the marriages are the people you're hanging around the most. The most. So if you look at your closest friends and all of them have miserable marriages, I'm not saying just completely cut them out of your life. But you need to intentionally look for some mentors, look for some friends who have a healthy marriage and prioritize a healthy marriage. Or else you're going to start learning some bad habits from the people in your life.

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It's good stuff. All right, I'm going to. More There's a lot of overlap on these lists. There's five on my list of the kind of the husband's expectations in marriage or their greatest needs might be another way to say it. And again, in no particular order. Companionship, Friendship. Oh yeah, a guy wants his wife to be his best friend. He really, really does. And for the most part, women tend to have more friends that they get with regularly talk with regularly than than men do. Statistically, this isn't always the case, but. So a woman has her kind of friendship tank filled from a lot of different sources. But for most guys, he's looking at his wife to be his primary companion, his best friend, and the one who's kind of filling that friendship tank. And guys should have good, healthy, same sex friendships. But, ladies, I can't overestimate how important it is for you to be that best friend to your husband. Do the stuff that he's into. Try to take interest in what he's into. Maybe you're not into sports, but try to take interest in his favorite team if he's into that, and share that experience with him. You might not be into fishing, but once in a while, go do it with him just to share the experience with him. He wants to invite you into his world.

It's so true. I remember the other day, one way that. That we kind of build on our friendship is going on walks. And I know you guys are like, probably rolling your eyes right now, listening to this or watching this. Like, okay, we get it. You all like walking together. Like. But we. It's just been really good for our marriage throughout all the different seasons we've walked through. And for some reason, I think I had an appointment or something. I couldn't go walking with you at the time that we kind of normally would have walked. And you look like, a little hurt. Like, I felt so bad for you. Cause it's like something. It builds our friendship. You look forward to it. And I was like, sweetie, I will find time later. We'll just do it a different time. But I just saw on your face just how it's important to you. Because that is one of the many ways that we build our friendship. Cause not only are we burning calories, but we're talking and it's like, you know, we laugh. I mean, it's great. It's like one of our favorite things we do. And so it's like, you know, I just saw how important that is to you.

I'm still a little hurt by it. I know.

I know. I was like. I'm like, I really want to go walk, too. I don't want to go to this appointment. Whatever.

I hope I'm in the movie when you're able to, because I might now. I always love our walks. I really do.

And even the sports thing, you guys, it took me a while to realize the importance of this because I grew up in a home where, even though I grew up in Lexington, Kentucky, home of the UK Wildcats. Yes. Total sports town. Okay.

Yeah.

I grew up in a family.

You've only watched a full game ever.

I'd never watched a full game ever. And that's like sacrilege, like, where I'm from. Okay. And I just remember, you know, Dave grew up in this very sports oriented family. And when we first got married, I really was kind of. I just. I think I kind of was like, I don't get it. I just didn't value it. And I was like, you go do your thing and I'll go watch ice skating. I mean, that's a sport, right? I was just like, in the Olympics, even he'd have his saying, if they.

Have sticks and pucks and goals on the ice.

Well, let me tell you, ice skating, definitely, those people are majorly athletic. But it's not a team sport, and you love team sports. And I remember the first time. It took me a while, but the first time I went to a professional sports game, it was the Jacksonville Jaguars. And I was kind of dreading it. And we went, and you guys, they weren't even a great team at the time, but it was amazing. And I looked over at Dave and I said, I get it.

I am so sorry. I get it.

Like, this is awesome. I was hugging perfect strangers, like, when they made a goal. It's like this camaraderie.

Well, see, but you were into it.

They made a touchdown. Okay. They made a touchdown. Goal. Isn't that a general word for you guys?

I don't know. Yeah. And you're like, I just love hearing you talk about it.

I know, but I loved it.

And so, like, the Jaguars got a home run, and then they. Home run and then a slam dunk, and it was amazing.

Well, let me tell you, it was awesome. And then it was like. It took me a while to come around to it, but I realized. I saw how excited you were, and I was like, we've got to do this.

We were briefly living there, so it.

Was, like, so awesome.

The hometown team.

For a couple years, we lived in the Dallas area. We go to the Mavs games. Like, I still to this day, he. He checks on the score, and I'm like, how they do, you know? Like, so, I mean, I get excited with you.

Yeah, it's been fun. You just learn to share some things together. You don't have to be as into something as, you know. And I watch stuff I have no interest in.

Yes, you do.

I watch wedding dress shows. Okay, guys, we're not getting married again. We'll never buy another wedding dress. And I watch Shows where the whole point of the show is somebody putting on a wedding dress, and then people being like, do you like the dress or do you not like the dress? Well, I like this about the dress, but I like the other part about the other dress. And then her friends, like, sit around and they're like, I don't know. I think the other one was better. And I'm like, this is a show people watch. It's actually really entertainment for some people.

It's amazing.

And I'll sit there and watch it with her because I love her, you know?

You do, But I remember one time you were like, wedding shows.

Four Weddings, where these four weddings is the best. These four girls that don't know each other, like, compete against each other and who has the best wedding. And then one of them wins a prize, and the other three act like they're happy for the one that won. But they all really just. You could tell they want to, like, stab her. This is the show, and it's old.

I think that's reruns. But we will. I actually, like. It's in the dvr. Like, I record that one, and I'll.

Watch it with her. I'll be like, oh, I like number two, sweating.

The one, though, that you used to hate watching House Hunters. You actually got to love House Hunters. Yeah, House Hunters International, because we feel like we're going on vacation.

I got into it. I made myself like it, and now it's like, when we couldn't travel anywhere, we'll watch it and feel like we're going on a trip.

Well, one time he came to me and he popped popcorn, and he said, hey, you want to go on a vacation? He turned on House Hunters International.

Let's go to Ireland.

Let's go to Ireland. He's like, where do you want to go?

Yeah, it's great. Yeah. So you got to just get into what the other one's into, and you'll. The more you can share.

More than TV shows, guys.

Yeah, more than TV shows. But share your lives together is what it comes down to. Don't have separate lives. The happiest couples find ways to intersect their lives at every chance they can. Instead of his hobbies, her hobbies, his stuff, her stuff, his friends, her friends. If everything's his and hers, that's just practice for divorce. But if you unite it together, it's gonna be better. All right, I'm gonna go through these a little more quickly. Cause we're about out of time. Respect. You know, it's like the book Love and respect. Based on that Bible verse that talks about husbands loving your wives, wives respect your husbands. Obviously, both spouses need respect. Both spouses need love. But there's something in the heart of a husband that needs to know, like, does she believe in me? Not only I know that she loves me, but does she believe in me? And that's kind of what respect is. Sex. Sexual intimacy is high on the needs and expectations of most guys. This is obviously a need for both spouses. Sex isn't just a male need. It's a man and woman need. Both spouses need the frequency and commitment to making the sexual experience amazing for both spouses. But at least in terms of. Of desire for frequency, not always, but in about 80% of marriages, the husband has a noticeably higher need for that. And so, like, just know that's something that's on his mind. He wants to connect with you as his wife in that way. You're the only place on earth where that need can be fulfilled in a legitimate way. And he feels really close to you when that's a priority. Number four, support at home. And that doesn't just mean, like, you know, house cleaning and these sort of old, you know, gender role kind of ideas. But he wants. The woman is the heart of the home. The woman is the thermostat for the home. She sets the tone and the temperature for what this home is going to feel like in nearly every way. A woman has an immense power within her home to create the tone. And for him to feel like the home is a safe place because of what his wife is doing, to use that influence she has to make it a safe place for all who are there and to make it a joyful place, then it's gonna be a gift to him as well.

It's more about just trying to, you know, like Dave said, the peacefulness. It's much more. Less about duties and tasks that you're completing and more about it being a refuge, you know, and creating that. And it takes both the husband and the wife. I mean, clearly. And there's lots of circumstances that sometimes you don't have any control over, like having young children and, you know, you're in the midst of raising kids, all that kind of stuff. But you can still have a peaceful home. And women do have such power in setting that tone. So that's really what that's about more than anything.

Yeah, absolutely. And then my last one was just commitment, you know, that both spouses, husbands obviously, as well, they want to know. My wife is totally committed to Me to this family, to our shared vision for the future and that we're in this together and we've got each other's backs. And if you'll do these things for each other, I'm telling you, I think, and not from a sense of just like angry duty, but from a place of joy. It's a privilege for me to serve my spouse in this way. It's going to make such a difference in your marriage. So that being said, we're really. We spent time slipped away from us on this one because we just were having a great conversation. But we have a question still to answer. So today's question. And by the way, thanks for sending these in@nakedmarriagepodcast.com Today's question says, my husband and I have a strong friendship and a healthy sex life, but romance has never been very prominent in our relationship. When I read a book or movie that has a tenderness between characters that resonates with me and I will sometimes fixate on it for days afterwards. When I've expressed the need for a deeper connection to my husband, he usually says something like, I just don't have anything to open up about. Should I cut out all romance movies and books to keep me from having this expectation? Man, that's a great question.

That is. And I just sense that, I mean, it's so sweet, like the way she writes about it. It's not coming from like this resentful place. I really commend you on having self reflection about this. You know, her first inclination is maybe I'm watching too many things that are making me have unrealistic expectations. So I love the kind of standpoint you're coming from. You know, I get, you know, we hear from a lot of people in the same dynamic, wouldn't you say, sweetie? I mean, where it's like, the husband really does. Yes, it's very common. Like he, you know, and maybe he doesn't really think he does have anything to open up about. I think maybe it could be asking a different question. You know, I think sometimes when it's like, is there anything? And I used to do this a lot more than I do now, I would say, do you have anything you need to tell me? Do you remember when I did that.

For years, I'm like, that's a terrifying question. I was, I was like, I'm like, I don't know. I don't think so. I'm trying to think of things to confess to.

No, I really did. I don't know. I'm so sorry. Sweetie. But I did that for years. For years.

Oh, my goodness.

And he'd be. It was like, real daunting for you. And I don't know. I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from. But.

No, it came from wanting to connect.

I wanted to connect. Right. And I'm not saying she's saying it like that, but you know that I think it's very intimidating when husbands have a wife come to them saying, I wanna connect deeper with you. I had actually a post on Instagram once that talked about heartfelt communication. And I'm a woman. Heartfelt is. I'm all about it, right? And I had some women write me and say, my husband looked at this too, and this kind of scared him. And they're like, maybe it's the way you guys worded it. And I ask you about it and you're like, yeah. He goes, I don't think I would ever use the word heartfelt to describe what you're trying to describe. And so sometimes this is semantics. Like, I think if you could come to your husband and just enter into a conversation of just talking about how you're feeling and naturally bring it out. And I also wanna. I just wanna say, too, maybe do an activity when you're trying to have these conversations. We've mentioned this before, but there's actually neuroscience behind this. Men are going to open up more when they are side by side with someone as opposed to face to face. And while they're doing an activity as opposed to just being stationary. And so go on a walk, go on a drive, maybe do an act like, you know, play a sport together, whatever it is, find something where it's less intimidating because he is moving. And I'm telling you, I think he'll be more likely to open up.

It's great insight as always, my love. And so, you know, it takes me longer to think. So I'm glad you went first because that's. It was so good and gave me a minute to think. And it still won't be as good as what you said.

Not true.

Not true. I would say a few things. Number one, men respond so well to praise from their wives.

Oh, yeah.

And so find those things that he is doing where you do feel connected to him, even if it's just a little bit he's doing it. And praise him for that. Say, oh, my goodness, when we did this together, I just. I loved it. I felt so close to you, so connected to you. I wish we could do that more often because it was so Much fun. Or like when you told me about. About your day and just made me feel really close to you. Thanks for sharing that with me. When you frame it not in terms of why don't you do that more? Or I wish you would do this. And I'm sure you're not saying it like that, by the way, but that's maybe how he hears it. Like, oh, I'm not measuring up. There's this standard that I can't reach and I don't even know what it is. And so I just want to pull back. But when you praise him or thank him for the things that he's doing right, he's going to want to do more of that thing because he wants your praise, he wants your thanks. He wants to feel connected to you. And so start with that and realize, too, that some of what you're seeing on these shows, it's not real.

It's fictional.

It's fictional. Just like, not that it's as damaging as something like porn, but part of why porn is so damaging is there's nothing real about it. It's not real. So it feeds this fantasy that's not even reality. And sometimes these seemingly innocent kind of romance stories and shows and rom coms and Hallmark movies and everything else with innocent storylines that create these dynamics between people who aren't real characters, and we think that this is the way it's supposed to look. And so I think that we can find entertainment value in it. But whenever we're trying to compare our real marriage to some fictionalized version, we can run into some trouble there. So just be mindful of that. Like Ashley said, when you're watching it, but still fight for intimacy in your own marriage. But again, I think it means starting the conversations and thanking and praising him for what he's doing. Right? I think he's going to open up more. And for your husband, the word romance is intimidating to a lot of husbands because we don't know what that means. It's something we can't put our heads to around, like, what is that? Do I have to learn French and start writing poetry in another language? That's not what romance is. Romance is really just another word for thoughtfulness. And so help him see it that way. Just say, listen. When I say I want you to be romantic, I just mean I want you to think about me and think about ways to connect with me. And when I see that I'm on your mind, it makes me feel really close to you. That's romantic. And when you're willing to talk to me about whatever's, you know, happening in your life, that that makes me feel really close to you. That's, that's romantic. And so help him, help him see what your expectations are in a way that he can meet it. And it's really practical and doable for him. And I think that you'll see he'll want to do that.

I love that. So good. Well, I hope that helps. And you know, we'll be praying for you with that and I just appreciate all of you tuning in and listening to this episode and we will see you next time. The holidays are all about family. But at the Chrysler Wrap of the Year sales event, it's all about you. Enjoy every mile in the most awarded minivan in America, the Chrysler Pacifica. With the most standard safety features in its class, available Stow n go seating and the available Stow and back built in vacuum. Make the most of the holidays with a great deal at the Chrysler Chrysler Pacifica. Wrap up the year sales event based on Ward's small van segment. Based upon the latest available competitor information, Chrysler is a registered trademark of FCA US llc.