How Do We Make Big Decisions

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Well, hello and welcome back to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast, we address the truth about sex, intimacy, and lifelong love. And if you've been following along these last couple of weeks, we are still in our summer Quickie series, and we do shorter episodes so that you can spend more time with your family and have fun, because summer's supposed to be fun. And today we're going to talk about how to make big decisions.

Big decisions. Here's a big decision right here. Decide to wear sunscreen this summer.

Absolutely.

We're going to talk about bigger ones than that, but this is a real thing. You know, my, you know, sister in.

Law was talking to mom about it.

You know, she recently. She's fine, but she got a. Mel. Had a melanoma and wasn't even in the sun all that much. Right. But she's not. It can sneak up on you. So, guys, this is your public service announcement.

Wear sunscreen.

Yeah.

Protect your skin and reapply often.

Reapply often. All right, so that.

That.

That's your health tip. Yes. All right.

But big decisions about.

And when we say big decisions, you guys have an idea of what a big decision is. But it could be.

Let's give some examples.

Let's give a few. Let's toss a few out. When do we start having kids? How many kids do we have? Do we have another kid or do we not? Are we gonna.

Are we gonna move?

Are we gonna move? Where are we gonna move?

Are we gonna take that job?

Take that job?

Are we gonna go back to school?

Are we gonna not go back to school? Are we going to change churches? Oh, that's a huge decision. Yeah, huge decision. Are we gonna put our kids in a different school? Are we going to homeschool? Are we gonna public school? Are we gonna private school? Are we going to, you know, again.

Are we gonna get a dog? Let me tell you, that's a huge decision because it changes your life.

We've got an upcoming episode called Fur Babies. Guys. Stay tuned.

First one ever in the history of the Naked Marriage podcast.

We're talking about pets and marriage.

Not marry your pet, obviously, but, you know, like pets.

That's probably a tlc.

Show it probably is. Gosh, we're not going there.

But again, it's a big decision, and so we're going to focus in just kind of on not only decision to.

Have pets, but, like, you know, kind of how pets can change. The dynamic of it is. Of it's a big decision.

So how do you make these decisions?

And the goal is unity in marriage.

Not uniformity, but unity. But you have two people with two opinions, two ideas, two perspectives. And then by God's design, we've got to figure out a way to make one decision and be unified in it.

So, my love.

Yes.

How does that look?

Well, let me just say it can be hard, and it can be something that you kind of have to wrestle with for a while. Like, I know we have some dear friends of ours who. They have four kids already, and they're both doctors, and I just. I remember sitting down with them at dinner. And the wife. And this is for years. Okay. Because we've been friends with them for years. The wife for a long time. You know, by the time we had this dinner, I guess for about three years, she had felt the Lord calling them to adopt, and not only to adopt one child, but to adopt multiple children. At the time, they didn't know how many, and they wanted to adopt, you know, internationally. And I remember that. So she had been kind of thinking about that for about three years and really felt strongly about it and really felt, like, a little bit upset with her husband that he wasn't totally on board right away. Do you remember this story?

Yeah, yeah. Because they were in different places in.

The journey, very different places were called to this.

She's like, well, this is what we're called to. Why are you not on board?

I'm good.

He's like, we're in the thick of raising four kids, you know, but she's like, but now's the time. Now's the time. Well, and I think it caused a little bit of friction, and they were sharing this with us. And I remember at that dinner, though, he. He kind of teared up, and he said, you know, what I started doing is I started praying and I started saying, God, if this is what you're calling us to help my heart and my mind to catch up to this, because I'm just not there right now for so many reasons. And I think he. I mean, for raising kids. And I think there was still school debt they were working through. There was all these things in his mind where he's like, it's not the right time, but she's like, well, is there anything. I've got a perfect time.

I got a plan, and it's a good plan.

They both had plans.

We both had plans.

And. And his plan was like, we're going.

To raise the beautiful kids we've got. We're going to get out of debt. We're going to sail off into the.

Sunset, so to speak, still working hard and still loving our family and serving.

Jesus and all those things. And they were doing all that more than just about anybody I knew, anyway.

Still do. Yeah.

But hers were all of those things.

Plus bringing these two more children through international adoption. And they were. They were in different places.

And he said, you know what? I'm just gonna start praying about it. And she prayed about it, too. And I think her prayers probably were like, change my husband's heart, you know, and help me be patient. And his were, lord, if you want this to happen, you know, help me to catch up to this decision, too. But also help this not hurt our marriage, you know, really help this not to come between us, because I think it could have, you know, and I think at times it did well. So, you know, I told you she had been thinking about this for about three years. So we have this dinner with them, and he teared up talking about this, and he said, just recently, I have felt the same fire for adoption as she has, and we've both been praying, and we've settled on Haiti as the country where we're going to adopt these children from, and we are moving forward. And they both were just teared up. And like, Mike, even just talking about this, it gives me cold chills. But it's been probably another five years since we had that dinner with them. And they just now met their kids.

Yeah, they still haven't brought them home.

But they've been matched. They've had, like, I think had some.

Zoom calls with them calls, and within this next year, they should be bringing home their kids.

And so it took time. I mean, that's a huge decision.

And during that time, God was doing a work in both them and also doing a work to bring them closer together. And it was a time when, as.

A family, their faith increased as they're.

Praying for these kids, and they invite.

Their children to start praying for these.

Siblings that are going to be coming. And they, as a couple, they're growing, and it's. It's a. It's a time of such wonderful growth.

And.

But it was a process.

It was a process, and they didn't get there at the same time. And that's okay. You and your spouse are often going to get to the same conclusion but at a different pace. And so love is patient. The Bible says.

First Corinthians, chapter 13.

Love is patient. Love is kind. And so during big decisions, keep those two things in mind. If love is patient and kind. I want to be patient and I want to be kind. Love does not demand its own way, the Bible says. Really? That whole love chapter?

Yeah.

Think about it in terms of big decisions. I'm not going to demand my own.

Way, but instead I'm going to be patient and kind. I'm going to keep no record of wrongs. I'm going to do all those things that love does because I love you.

I love our marriage. And. And if you'll do those things, guys, it'll make such a big difference. I think backing up a second and just talking about how not to make big decisions.

My own parents have shared this with me.

Mom and dad have a wonderful marriage. They've come through so much.

How many years? Sweetie told me.

Let me see.

So this November will be 45.

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Isn't that amazing?

45.

So I was, yeah, I was born.

Like almost exactly a year later.

Yeah.

Yeah. So they, they got started quick. They did the big decisions. Dad had this, this kind of old.

School mentality that the man makes the decisions, really the big decision, and the.

Woman just goes with it.

Yeah.

And she just has to go along with it. And that's what he knew. Like, I don't think that he intended to be sexist or disrespectful. I think he. People, we know what we know and.

That'S kind of what he'd seen and.

What he, how he thought it was supposed to look. And at the time, as a young man, he's like, well, this is how you do it.

And so.

And in his mind too, he's just being a good husband.

Yeah, this is what I'm doing. I lead and take charge and I do this.

And so he really, at the time, and he'll admit this now, with almost.

No regard for how mom felt about it, would just say, we're moving here, we're taking this job and when we.

Move there, we're going to move to.

This house and this is where we're going to live.

And over time, that decision making process, and mom doing her best as a very strong woman herself, but also trying to be accommodating and respectful. And they were both trying to figure out this dynamic. She was being wounded with each one of these decisions because there were several moves, big, big decisions that she was.

Completely, for the most part, from what.

From the stories I've heard later, kind of left out of those decisions. And so their, their marriage came to this critical point where they're in this very stressful season that mom didn't want to be there to start with. And now the situation's really stressful. And I think they, there was a lot of tension. And then we were young, little boys were young at the time. It was just a stressful season of marriage and they had to kind of take a step back. And I think dad had to really rethink the way that he had.

He had forced his agenda all along.

Thinking he was just being a good leader, but really missing out that the way Christ calls us to lead is.

To serve and to lay down our own life for the sake of the other and to, you know, give our lives, love our wives the way he loved his church, which is a very selfless kind of love. And he took a step back from.

The way that he had done it.

And, and their marriage really, it changed. They were already strong and in other.

Ways they were really, really healthy. And all the way through, they gave us a great example. Nobody's perfect, but they gave us a great example. Mom and dad, if you're listening, I love you. I want to be like you when.

I grow up still.

But that was something they had to come through.

And then from then on out, they.

Really started making decisions as a team.

And dad realized, like, I've been. I've been missing out on the wisest person that I know, my wife and I've Been completely taking her wisdom out of the factor of these decisions and.

I need to lean heavily into that.

And then together as a team, they really started making those decisions and a lot started happening positively in terms of their business.

Dad eventually left his long term job.

And broke out and started his own consulting company. And mom was a huge part of that whole decision and, and a part.

Of even helping run that company.

She's still, till today, still to this.

Day as he's moving into retirement. But she has been a huge part.

Of it from the beginning. And they've just done everything really as a team and it's been beautiful to see.

It has been. And I remember when they, you know, we're talking about this story, they've told the story several times over. I remember at that critical point, you know, they had moved a lot, kind of up until you were about 9 years old and you have two other, you know, two younger brothers and they both decided, you know, as a couple, like, we cannot, like, we need to find a way to make this work because this moving is really taking a toll on our marriage and on our boys. And I remember they were like, we've got to figure out a way. We got to get in a church home, we've got to make friends, you know, with our neighbors in our community and make a go of this. And I'm telling you, it was not easy. Because that's the thing about this is even when we come to a big decision, it doesn't mean, even if we are unified, it doesn't mean it's going to be easy. I mean, how many times does this happen for us? Like we're like.

The right decision isn't always the easy.

But sometimes God's going to intentionally lead you to the most difficult.

We've experienced that.

Yeah.

Where you're right in the center of God's will and it's difficult. I think about Joseph and Mary, you.

Know, Jesus's earthly parents, that God chose to bring Jesus into the world.

They were in the center of God's will. And yet everything was hard.

Every part of their journey.

They were refugees in Egypt.

They were running for their lives from a tyrant king.

They were poor. They were ostracized from their families because.

She was pregnant out of wedlock with.

God's son, which of course they didn't believe or even know that at the time.

And Mary and Joseph knew, but her family and his family didn't know.

Except for Elizabeth.

Yeah, they gave birth in a stable.

There was no epidural, there was no Clean hospital room.

Their family didn't come to visit.

They had these homeless shepherds there instead. And, you know, we kind of romanticize.

These moments, and they're beautiful moments. Yes. But none of this is what they had planned.

Right.

And all of it was difficult, and yet it was beautiful. And they were in the middle of God's will. And if you're in a difficult season right now, don't take that as God's punishing us or we're being punished for making a bunch of wrong choices.

No, there's a good chance you're right.

In the center of God's will, and.

He wants you to learn and grow through it.

But stay unified.

Don't lose the faith, and certainly don't turn on each other, but continue hand.

In hand to walk through it together.

And you're going to come out stronger on the other side.

And I've seen that with your parents. You know, they've since stayed in that area and love it. Like, the very place where it felt like, why are we here? This is the wrong decision has become their favorite place on earth.

The home that they never want to leave.

Exactly.

And it's just neat how God brings things full circle. And we've already in our shorter lives seeing those full circle moments and don't.

Have time to dive into all of them. But, Lord, we're thankful, and we're thankful.

That your plans are much better than our plans ever could be.

That's right. So whatever you do and whatever big decision you're making, make sure that you talk about it. That neither one of you kind of is like, I'm in charge. This is a decision I'm making. And that's that always listen to each other, always really lean in. And I think, you know, Dave, you touched on this earlier. You know, your dad kind of learned the hard way that, my gosh, my spouse can help me so much in my decisions. And both spouses, you know, we can sometimes have a perspective that, you know, our spouse can offer us a perspective that we didn't even have because we're not thinking in those terms. And so we really do need to lean into each other and respect each other's wishes and not be a bully and not just drag our spouse somewhere with whatever decision we're making and really take into account the weight of it. You know, I know Dave mentioned going back to school. You know, I've gone back to school recently. I'm almost halfway through my graduate program in biblical counseling. And I remember before I went to this program, Dave And I really talked about it. I mean, I've wanted to do this a long time, and I actually had an opportunity to do it several years ago. But after talking about it and praying about it, we both felt like it wasn't time. And then here, recently, in the past, you know, year or so, we felt like, okay, this is the right time, the right school, you know, even though it's not been easy at all, like, it's been really hard, but it's been a good thing. It's still been good.

And the moves we've made, we've moved.

Really a lot in 20 plus years. And I think, you know, thankfully, we're finally, you know, at the spot where.

I feel very settled.

I hope, Lord willing, we can just.

Stay, you know, for forever.

But every one of those moves was a really big decision.

And even the difficult ones, I believe.

God was in all of them.

But, you know, we really had to pray. We had to lean into each other.

And search for unity. Guys, don't take shortcuts, don't just force your way, don't try to manipulate or.

Coerce your spouse, but really be patient with each other. Keep praying through it, keep talking about it, and pray that God would lead.

You both to the same place and that he would do it by giving you peace. Giving peace is usually how God speaks to us. Colossians 3:15. Let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts.

And really that word rule is in.

The Greek could be the same as call the shots.

Let God's peace be what calls the shots.

So when you're not sure what way to go, pray for God's peace to guide you there. And sometimes it won't fit on the pros and cons sheet that you made and all of that because we don't know the future. God knows the future.

But if you'll keep trusting in the.

Peace that he brings, he'll lead you.

Down the right path.

Guys, thanks so much for checking out this podcast. Do us a favor and leave a review if you haven't already. It helps other people to scale, discover it, post this online, or text it to somebody, especially if they're going through a big decision. Just say, listen, I know you got a big decision coming up. I think this episode could really help you, encourage you. I'm praying for you to make this decision.

That thoughtful text could mean the world to somebody.

It could.

God bless, guys. We'll see you next time. Bye, guys. Sa.