How Marriage Changes You

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Hey guys, thanks for joining us for episode seven of the Naked Marriage Podcast.

Woo Woo. Episode seven.

That's right.

Time flies when you're having fun.

So true. We're going to be talking about something really important when it comes to marriage, and that is how to handle change.

In marriage, which is a big, big issue. One quick announcement before we jump in today, and that is our new book. Our upcoming book, the Naked Marriage, entitled the Same Thing as the Podcast just to Make It Easy to Remember, is available for pre order. And when you pre order this thing, you're going to get instant access to several of our conference videos and a free download of our book, the Naked Truth About Sex, which you can start reading right now. And you'll be the first to get the Naked Marriage book when it comes out in February. So you can get that@nakedmarriagebook.com or on Amazon.com you can pre order it there as well. Thanks so much, guys for listening. Let's dive into today's episode.

You know, I think a big mistake that many of us make whenever we marry is that we think our spouse is never going to change, that they're always going to stay the same and they think we're going to do the same thing. Like personally, that we're just going to be pretty consistent, not have any kind of drastic changes. Because what we kind of tell ourselves is, you know, we love this person as they are right now, and we want them to stay that way. But I think there's this subconscious thought we have, like, but if they change drastically, I don't know. I don't know if I'm in it, you know, and that's a really dangerous place to be.

Yeah, it definitely is because you're going to check. You know, there was kind of a joke that Albert Einstein said years ago and he says a man and a woman enter into marriage and the man hopes the woman will never change and the woman hopes the man will change. And they both, they both end up disappointed.

Oh my goodness. I've never heard that one.

Like, the man doesn't change. But the truth is we all change. We all Change in every way. You know, we adapt, we mature. Life situations come our way. But the. The key really is to change together. Because the moment that you get married, there's instantly a change. You're moving from single to married, and that's a huge transition. And maybe it's a transition you who are listening, you've just made it. Maybe it's one you're preparing to make as an engaged couple. Maybe it's a change you made decades ago, and you can barely even remember what you were thinking and feeling in those moments when you were getting ready to walk down the aisle. But the moment you make that transition, mentally, physically, financially, spiritually, really in all ways, there's a big change. And then that starts out a journey of change, both individually and as couples. And if you're not careful, that change can cause you to drift apart instead of growing together.

It's so true. And I think where we can really run into some problems is when one spouse welcomes change and really likes changing things and, like, moves and jobs, and they kind of get excited when it comes to changes. But the other spouse really likes consistency, and they really do not like any kind of change. I see couples who kind of have that dynamic really run into some problems and what we need to do in that kind of dynamic, because, you know, chances are you and your spouse are on some kind of spectrum when it comes to that. But if you are two extremes where one loves change and one just totally resists change, you've got to kind of meet in the middle and see that both of you have something amazing to offer with those kind of perspectives. Because the truth is, we really need consistency. We need to have consistency in marriage. Consistency in making time for each other, consistency in making our marriage a priority, in making our faith a priority. But we also do need to be willing to change. You know, being willing to change and being able to move with the changes is really a strength as well. And so if you are at two opposite spectrums when it comes to change, I don't see that as a bad thing. I see that as a chance to really learn from one another and grow together in that. And, you know, Dave and I, we definitely, you know, we have some differences when it comes to this. And there's been times where Dave is more. Yeah, definitely. I mean, he's more of a risk taker than I am. And in the beginning of our marriage, that kind of scared me to the.

Lottery card right now.

I know.

Totally a risk taker.

No, but he really is, and really not in A bad way. I mean, I think if you take risk taking too far, you can run into things like gambling addictions. You can run into things where there's bad financial decisions, you know, and maybe not holding down a job, you know, things that really can be detrimental to your family. But risk taking in and of itself is not bad. You know, I think it's good to be able to say, God, where are you taking me? I want to jump. I trust you. Dave has really grown me in this. He's really encouraged me to not be so afraid. And there's been, you know, moves that we've made. There's been different things that he's encouraged me to do, like, things that were, in my heart, creative things I wanted to do that I was kind of holding back and not doing. And he would say, why are you holding back? Do this. You know, what's the worst thing that could happen? You know, try doing this. Because if you don't ever try, then you're never going to know. And so I love that he's encouraged me in that way.

And you've encouraged me in a lot of ways, too, to have some patience on things because, you know, really to stay a little bit grounded. I think that God puts two people together that are in different places on that spectrum that Ashley described. And one, it's to balance each other, and two, it's to stretch each other. And my mom, who's a counselor and very wise, you know, she talks about this spectrum as a need for certainty versus a need for uncertainty, and that everybody has different levels of need. Like, the need for uncertainty is the unknown. It's that entrepreneurial spirit of saying, I want to take risks. I want to go into the unknown. I want to keep doing new things. And the need for certainty kind of counterbalances that. And that's the need to say, I want schedule. I want security. Security. Right. I want predictability and security. Both those things can have good blessings, right? But it's really finding that balance, that rhythm between both spouses of stretching each other and what's gonna work best for us as a family and in different seasons of marriage and in life, it's gonna change. There might be some seasons where there's a lot of uncertainty and a lot of change because you've decided to make a big move. You know, like we did fairly recently, making a big move to Texas.

And honestly, you were on board. I mean, I was like, I need to pray about this a little bit more. I need to have a peace. Not. I knew the opportunity was the right opportunity. But the timing of the move, I wasn't sure.

Right. For our kids, there are a lot of factors.

I mean, I'm just like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Because Dave is one to be more prone to jump quicker. And I love that about him. I mean, he is a go getter. He's gonna get it done. And if any of you ever send him an email, he's gonna email you back that day. Like, he is the best responder. He does not procrastinate. He's like the opposite of procrastinator. And I love that about him.

That's sweet. I'm blushing.

I mean, he really is. And I can learn a lot from that. But sometimes, and there's been times where I'm like, sweetie, this is something where jumping too soon could really harm our family.

I've sent a few emails too fast. Right. I know there have been times, hey, all right. We've talked. I've decided to put the house up for sale. We're moving. And, you know, I do tend to jump. And you provide some great balance. You provide that voice of reason to say, sweetie, I'm with you. I'm for you. I love that adventurous spirit in you. But let's also think about a teeny bit how this is going to impact every aspect of our life, our kids, how bills are going to be paid through this process. I mean, just some really practical nuts and bolts thing. But I think that if you as a couple will believe the best in each other, and instead of always feeling like my way's right, their way is wrong. If you're the one who likes stability and security, and you feel like you're always trying to just squash that entrepreneurial, adventurous spirit in your spouse who has that drive, they might end up coming around to your way of thinking, but it's going to kill their spirit inside a little bit. I don't want that. And the other extreme, you might be this, like, adventurous entrepreneur who's always dragging your spouse around to all these unknown new things. And they might go along to be supportive, but it's going to kill their spirit to never feel that sense of security or stability. And so it isn't about just trying to convince this other spouse to be like you, really. It's about listening to each other, praying together, talking through it. And both of you are going to be stretched in the process. Both of you are going to be stretched to do things a little differently than you would have done it otherwise. And that's a good thing. That's what makes Your marriage so unique and so special, and what makes your marriage something that stretches you and makes you a better individual. But this isn't just about trying to convince each other, really. It's about learning to listen to each other and respect each other in new ways.

It's so true. And, you know, we're talking about changes, and changes often equal differences because we don't change at the same rate. And I remember our friends Josh and Leila, and if they're listening. Hey, guys.

Hey.

Josh and Leila, you know, they're. They're. They've been in ministry for years. They've been kind of in corporate America as well and done a lot of different things together. And I remember them sharing this story with us that Leila, kind of. In the beginning of their marriage, Josh and Leila, you know, were enjoying being married, and they would go out and they would eat great meals, and they would just kind of, you know, enjoy time together. Well, somewhere along the way, Leila really felt convicted about getting really healthy. I mean, she was like, I don't only feel like this is something I want to do. I feel like God is literally telling me, you need to make drastic changes in your health. And so she started running, and she is like, seriously my inspiration. As far as my running goes, that girl can run, like, nine miles. Like, it's nothing.

I feel so lazy when I see their face.

Both of them, they're, like, amazing. But it wasn't always that way. They made a decision, and Leila started first, you know, and they talked about this because Leila decided this first. And Josh was like, whoa, like, I really want to go out and have some burgers. Like, what do you mean you want to change how we're doing stuff? You know, because it can be a little jarring because you're changing the way kind of you do things on a regular basis. But I remember Josh kind of recalling the story. He said, you know, as her husband, she was trying to be a better version of herself, and I wanted to encourage her in that. And so he said, whenever we travel now, it's not only like, where can we have a good restaurant in the hotel or where is it located? He said, our number one thing we consider is, does it have a gym? And. And does that gym have the machines that we need? Because she has really made it a priority in her life to start exercising and running so many miles a day and lifting weights and things like that. And she's in amazing shape. And then, really, through the process, Josh has done the same thing. And he said, you know, I really love seeing how this makes Leila feel. She feels better about herself. She's healthier and happier, and I want to join her in this. And so he's done that as well. And they both are, like, some of the most athletic, in shape people we know, and they have so much just joy in that, doing that together, and energy.

It's brought them together.

It's brought them together. And, you know, Josh, he could have resented Leila for making that change, because I think that's what happened. When we make a drastic change in our life, we can kind of resent our spouse for it because we don't like that we have that. We may have to change, too, because everything our spouse does really does affect us. You know, we act like that. It doesn't, but it does because. And it should, because we're living life as one. And so, you know, he could have resented her. He could have made her not do it and been like, you know, you can go run, but I'm not joining you in this, and I'm not going to worry about the hotel thing. That's ridiculous. He could have made her feel bad for those changes, but instead, he supported her and he welcomed the change. And I think we have to go into marriage every year of marriage, you know, thinking, you know, and thanking God in advance, like, thank you, God, that you're bringing new changes. And God, help me to help my spouse in these changes and help my spouse, you know, be open to the changes that I need to make as well and help us to grow as a married couple. I think when we approach it in that way, it's not a negative thing. It's something that's exciting.

Yeah, that's exactly right. It's not the negative. And if you will choose to not look at that change your spouse is wanting to make as a negative, but to say this is healthy, like the end result of this is going to make us better. And so, you know, throughout our marriage, you know, we've had different seasons, or we've said, let's try to get healthier together, or let's, you know, let's be more focused and disciplined in our finances or whatever it is. That word discipline is a word that we almost look at in a negative way. But really, discipline is just taking control back over things that have gotten out of control. It's a very good thing. And if you'll choose to do it together and support each other in that, it will give you more freedom, not less freedom. And so what is it in your life where you need to have more freedom, you need to take some control back. And maybe it is in your finances, maybe it's in your health. But to have those discussions and to not push away from the hard changes, because any kind of change is difficult at first. The human mind is not wired up to want to change easily. Like, the more we do things a certain way, there are literal ruts, ridges that form in our brain and our actions follow those ridges. And so any kind of change, any kind of new habit you start or old habit you try to break, it's hard at first. Your whole body and mind is fighting against it, even though it's the very thing you need. But if you'll just stick with it through those difficult early phases of creating the new habit, there's more freedom and joy on the other side.

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Absolutely. And I know some of you listening are like, well, this is all fine and good. Those are good changes. But you know what happens when your spouse changes and it's maybe a negative thing. Maybe they're ill or maybe they're having mental illness, or maybe it's even an addiction or they've gone from healthy to unhealthy. Right, exactly. Healthy to unhealthy. You know, how do we handle those things? I think that's a great question that we need to ask ourselves. And we're going to go all those things we just mentioned we could do whole podcasts on. So we're just going to kind of touch on this with the time we have remaining. You know, in the early years of our marriage, I went into the Marriage, I mean, just ecstatic. So happy. And really slowly but surely, in those early years, I started falling into, you know, having anxiety and depression. And it went on for, like, four years. And Dave, you know, witnessed me changing and maybe the world around me, you know, people I would work with, people I would come in contact with daily, probably didn't know, because, you know, that's what we. When we're going through anxiety and depression, we put on a happy face. We act like everything's okay because we're embarrassed sometimes, or we just want to get through the day and go home and cry. I mean, it really is just a very tough thing to go through. And, I mean, I went through this for years, and I would be at home, and I just would have this sinking heart feeling all the time. And I felt like there was literally like a dark cloud over me all the time. Like those old commercials used to show when it came to, you know, medication for anxiety and depression. It was literally like that. And you just have this very heavy heart all the time. And I know Dave, you know, was. Was probably really concerned and sad to see me that way, and I think it affected him negatively as well, just because I wasn't the person that he married. I mean, I had really changed, and I was dealing with this anxiety and depression, and I really, at the time, you know, it was just one of those things where every day I just. I was feeling that weight, and it was really hard to be happy. And in those moments, especially at night when I would wake up and I felt sick to my stomach, and sometimes I would literally throw up from anxiety attacks, because that's what happens. You have a physical reaction to the anxiety, and it's overwhelming. You know, I would pray, and then I would sometimes wake Dave up, and I would ask him to pray with me, and I would ask him to give me an encouraging word, and I would cry, and I would say, you know, sweetie, I've changed so much. I'm not the woman you met. I'm such a downer, and I don't know how to get through this. I don't know if I'll ever be the person you married ever again. And I don't blame you if you leave me. I mean, I would say those. Wouldn't. I would say that to you, sweetie, wouldn't I?

Yeah. Yeah, you would.

I mean, I would just have these.

Negative thoughts that anxiety and depression had such a grip on your mind and heart at the time that I knew that I was unqualified to fix it in any way. But what I was, what I knew I needed to do was, was to be there for you and to reassure you and to love you and to. And to pray with you.

And you did all those things.

And so that's what I did. And if you're listening to this and maybe you are in a situation where your spouse is going through a very difficult time and it's something that you feel like, well, this is out of my league. I don't know how to handle anxiety or depression or whatever it is that they're facing. Just start by being there, start by listening, start by loving and praying and reassuring them and then encouraging them to get the help that they need. I mean, I encouraged Ashley to get into counseling, which she did, and that ultimately that's one of the things God used to bring her healing and peace and deliverance from that over a course of several years. It was an important part of the process. Maybe in your situation, it's addiction, you know, drug or alcohol, substance abuse of any kind, which is kind of this huge hidden struggle that so many people are carrying. And if you, if you or your spouse are facing that, then get help. I mean, get help. There's so many resources, programs out there to help in those situations, but you can't just wait around. You can't live in the illusion that, well, this is just going to fix itself. Because again, it takes that discipline to say, I'm willing to do some new uncomfortable habits to break out of this negative situation that we're in. Because it's uncomfortable at first to go sit down in a counselor's office. It's uncomfortable to go to a doctor and say, I'm struggling with these issues and I need maybe some medical attention. It's uncomfortable to change your lifestyle, but you've got to challenge each other to do those things and then support each other through those things. And with the anxiety and depression in particular, honestly, I'd love to do one or even a series of podcast episodes just on that. That's a huge thing. Ashley went through that four year battle anxiety I'd never faced, but just in recent years, it's something that I faced. It was kind of tied to a health condition, but there's just a lot to talk about there. And I think that so many people can relate. If you're listening right now, maybe you're shaking your head like, yes, I can relate to that. So, you know, we don't want to take this in another direction or we just spend the whole changes podcast talking about that. But just know we Hear you. We know this is a huge issue and we want to spend a lot of time talking about it. Ashley has a devotional book called 31 verses in prayers for the Anxious Mind and Heart on Amazon. And it's really just those Bible verses and prayers and thoughts and scriptures and truths that kind of carried her through that difficult time. And that's a great resource. I always recommend. This is something we want to keep learning about and keep talking about in the future.

So true. And you know, I just want to say whatever your spouse is going through, if the change is something that's tied to their health, whether it's physically or mentally, don't leave them to face it alone. I think the biggest thing we can do is lean into to each other and go through it together. And you're gonna get through it better when you go through it together. And you know, if you're married, that's what God wants. God wants us to be partners through everything. And that's through the good, the bad, and the ugly. And, you know, that was a really rough season in our marriage, and I don't know if I would have gotten through it as fast as we I did. And I know some of you are like fast four years. But it's a process. And a lot of you listening who.

Can relate to this, it is a process.

You've probably had it for years, too. I don't think I would be able to face each day and get through it and feel like a whole person if I didn't have my husband praying with me, encouraging me and telling me it's going to be okay. And, you know, and not it's going to be okay, like forget, like, don't be, you know, don't be down on yourself. It's going to be okay. It was more just like, it's going to be okay because I'm here with you and God is with us. You know, we had some pastor friends of ours share share this with us years ago. The husband had gone through intense anxiety and depression. And he was up at night and he said he will never forget how he was crying. And he woke his wife up with his crying. And his wife came over and she said at the time, she really did not have the words. She was literally like, lord, give me the words to say. And she said she literally had no words. But what she did clearly hear the Lord saying was just hold him and cry with him. And I think, guys, sometimes no matter what it is, whether it's anxiety and depression, maybe it's some kind of moral failure. Maybe it's an addiction. Whatever it is, hold each other and cry together. Because sometimes that's the most powerful thing we can do.

I want to just hold you right now. Not the cry part, but I want to hold you. But that is great advice. And I think sometimes we feel inadequate. We see our spouse hurting. We're hurting, too. We don't know how to. We don't know what to say. And so we just kind of avoid each other, which is the worst thing to do. Just hold each other. I think some of the most intimate moments you'll have in marriage are in moments of pain or doubt when you will just hold each other. And just even in that silence, holding each other can bring so much reassurance. Kind of turning the page a little bit with kind of moving to a different segment around change. I feel like we can't talk about changes in marriage without talking about the changes that take place when you become parents.

I was just thinking the same.

And then the changes that take place throughout parenthood. I feel like for all of the amazing joys that children bring, We've got four little boys. They are the light of our world. Ages 3 through 13. But I will also say we had to go through a lot of adjustment when we entered into parenthood, and a lot of adjustment and change throughout parenthood, because it brings out these new aspects of our personality, new challenges. It changes the dynamic of our relationship immensely. In fact, we've got to be real intentional about getting away together for date night, or as often as we can, to remind ourselves we're not just mom and dad. We're husband and wife. We're best friends and remind ourselves of that relationship because we're at our best as a couple when we can just be a couple. But at the same time, the most sacred duty we have as a couple is to raise these kids. And so we want to be good parents, too.

Right?

But it takes a lot of. A lot of patience and a lot of understanding and communication to work through all of the changes that are going to happen in your marriage when you become a parent and then through every season of parenthood.

Gosh, absolutely. I mean, it just immediately when Dave's talking about that, I'm thinking about being a new mom. So if any of you are new mom, new parents listening, I just want you to know that we are gonna pray for you, because we know it's a beautiful time, but it is exhausting.

Oh, my goodness.

I mean, just exhausting. And I remember, you know, coming home with this new Baby. And they don't give you a manual. And you're like, lord, help us.

We have no idea what we were doing.

We don't know what we're doing. Even if you did read some parent books, which we did, and we still do. I mean, if there's some new stuff out there, I'm like, I wanna read that. You know? It's just every child is so different. Every child has unique parts of their personality that kind of change the family dynamic, and you have to kind of adjust. And what works with one kid doesn't work with the other. But I remember those early, you know, days and nights, being a new mom and nursing mom and just trying to figure that out and being up and being exhausted. And I remember with our first child, it was two weeks after we had Cooper, our oldest, who's now 13. Dave's mom came over and she was so sweet, and she said, hey, guys, I'm here to watch the baby. I want you guys to go out on a date night. And we were like, okay, awesome. And at first I was, like, so excited. But then there's this part of me. I'm like, I'm nursing this child. He's my first baby. I don't know how I feel about going ahead and leaving him. And she was like, listen, this is healthy. I got it. Go to Applebee's for an hour. And so we did. So we went to Applebee's. We're sitting there, and I'm kind of excited to be with. I mean, of course I'm excited to be with Dave, but I'm also feeling a little guilty being away from Cooper. And then all of a sudden, I literally start bawling my eyes out, Didn't I? Sweetie, do you remember this?

Yeah. We're sitting at Applebee's.

I mean, just bawling in public.

I've never enjoyed Applebee's more than in that moment, because we were exhausted, like Ashley said. I mean, we new parents, all the stress that comes with that. We were just delirious with exhaustion. And I'm just like, man, I'm gonna live this up. It's happy hour in every way. And I look over, and all of a sudden, and Ashley's just looking at me, and she's just. I'm like, are you having fun? She's like, yes.

I mean, I could not stop crying.

I was not equipped to handle what I was supposed to do next.

The look on his face was just, like, so confused and concerned.

So confused.

But then what I said, and this is you know, honestly, I was just processing being with Dave, having this new baby. And what came to my mind and my heart was. And I verbalize this to Dave is I said, listen, I miss us. And I said, I am so excited to have this baby, but I know that we're never going to be the same. And there was this part of me in my heart grieving the old Dave and Ashley, you know, and it was like I was trying to process, okay, what is the new normal? And so, right then and there, it was like I was the one dreading change. And I think Dave, again, you know, he tends to be the one more excited about it. But let me tell you all, having kids has been the most wonderful gift that God could possibly give us. And so we know children are a gift, but that doesn't mean we don't have all these fears and complicated emotions about it, because it really does change things, and it should. I mean, you can't. You can't keep things exactly the same. But I will say one thing that Dave's parents encouraged us to do, and different people in our life who've kind of spoken life into our marriage was that, yes, you change, you know, of course, when you have kids, because now, you know, you were raising these kids, and that's a huge calling that God has put on your life, but you also have to make time for each other. And I think I was realizing, like, here I am at Applebee's, but I have this baby that I am so concerned about. It's like things are different now.

Yeah, no, just the realization of that. That this is different. Things are different, but different can be wonderful. And it was wonderful, and it has been. Yeah, absolutely. And every season of life is that, I think, as your marriage changes to kind of land this plane, don't dread the changes that come. Don't dread the start of a family. Don't dread the teenage years. Don't dread the empty nest. Don't dread retirement. Look forward to each of these things because every new season has unique joys of its own. You know, and every season, when somebody asks you what was the best time of your life, I think God wants us to honestly be able to say right now. Because every season we're in, even the difficult ones also have joys in them. Very unique joys. And if we'll look around for the blessings right in front of us, man, that's going to make all the difference. And as you keep change, change and change together, it's so true.

You know, Dave was just talking about Every season. I do think parenting, as beautiful as it is, it can be so challenging. But there was this moment the other night when our youngest, his name is Chatham, was dressed up as Buzz Lightyear and he was playing with our little dog, Chichi, and they were just laughing and rolling around on the ground and I was doing homework with our seven year old, Chandler. And then I heard my oldest playing his horn and then my son Connor was watching a YouTube video on the couch and. And it was just like seeing life, the life of our family all around us. And you know, it just. I told Dave, I was like, it was just the sweetest moment where I was just like praying, like, God, help me to remember the beautiful. Just the beautifulness. I don't even know if that's a word. The beauty.

The beauty and all of the chaos and noise.

I think beautifulness should be a word. But all the chaos and the noise and just the smiles and the just normal life. Like the normal life. Beautiful. And we don't want to wish it away and dread those changes that come with it. So, yes, I always want to relish. I want to treasure those moments.

You're as wise as you are beautiful and such a great mom also. You really are. And I'm looking forward to the. I'm loving the season we're in. Even with all the unique stresses that it brings. There's so many joys and I'm looking forward to the changes ahead. And as you guys are listening, we hope you are too and want to leave you with a few quick announcements. Always want to give you some next steps because marriage is a journey and there's always more to learn and grow. And we would love to connect with you live and in person at a marriage event. When you take one or two days to focus specifically on your marriage, it can fuel your marriage for an entire year. It really, really can. That in addition to the daily things you do for your marriage. And so we provide those opportunities through what we call the XO Marriage conferences here at Marriage Today. And if you go to xomarriage.com conference, the 2019. The 2019 schedule is up, beginning the second weekend of February with the big event at Gateway Church in South Lake, Texas, and then a tour that goes all over the country. You know, we're going to all parts of the country this year. We would love to see you there. We also want to let you know about kind of a conference you can do in your own living room and your own underwear. If you, if you like. You can even have a Naked marriage conference. You guys do this because you can do this on demand at home and it's something called XO now if you go to xomarriage.com now this is, this is a subscription service. For nine bucks a month you guys can get an on demand marriage conference experience all the time. With all of our resources from last year's conferences plus a lot of exclusive video content that is constantly being streamed through that, through that service. A great, great resource.

So true. I hope you guys take advantage of those resources and we also hope that you join us for next week time. Have a great day.

See you next time guys.

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