How to Be Patient With Each Other

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Hey. Welcome to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast we have address the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And this is an exciting episode. It's episode number 101. We're starting a brand new series where over the course of the next few months, we're going to talk about our very favorite marriage advice. Picking one piece of advice each episode. We've also got an amazing question that we answer at the end of this episode during the Q and A time. It's a really nuanced, important question about sex. That's one we've never been asked. And I'm really excited about it. But before we get there, Ashley's going to read a review. But before she reads the review, I want to make another quick announcement, and that is, this is the very first episode that we're recording live on video and streaming on YouTube. So if you're listening to this like most folks on itunes or Spotify or Stitcher or Google Play, you can also now go over to YouTube where we've put all of our episodes in the past just on audio. And you can watch, you can watch this thing. And you might think they look nothing like I expected. You know, we're probably shorter than you were expecting. We're actually sitting on these like boosters, pillow booster seats, like a couple of toddlers. But other than that, we're really excited, excited about this. And yeah, we're having a lot of fun with this. So this is just another way that you can engage with what we're doing on the Naked Marriage podcast. So sorry to talk behind the scenes. Behind the scenes. You're. You're in it. You were in the scene, guys. And so feel free to share this video. And yeah, we're having fun with this. And thank you for those who leave reviews. We actually read all these. They're super encouraging to us.

We love it.

We love reading them. So my beautiful bride with her sexy reading glasses.

I don't know if you're sexy.

You're so cute though, in those reading glasses. She'd wear those all the time. Is gonna share. I got distracted because of all the beauty, but why don't you read a review for us?

All right. This is entitled Grateful by KD Wins and it's a five star review. It says I'm so grateful for this podcast. You guys tackle real issues that most churches won't address but so many Christians need you guys also help my husband and I realize we are not the only ones and that we are normal. Lol. Thank you and keep up the awesome work. Well thank you Katie for leaving that. It's just so awesome to hear from you guys to hear that this podcast is actually helping you and so if you wanna leave a review, if you love this podcast, I you hope the best way you can spread the word and you can let others know about it is by leaving a review. So please do that Today with Black.

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Yes.

And you might think that is way overly simple, but yet it's one of the most difficult parts of marriage. And if you get this right, it will change everything. If you will bring more patience into your marriage to understand what that looks like, not just putting up with each other, but really extending true patience. It's a fruit of the spirit. The Bible says it's something the Holy Spirit wants to bring more into your life. Love, joy, peace, patience. But it's hard because in our own strength, we just, we have our own timetable. And if our spouse isn't on that same timetable we get frustrated. So, sweetie, how do we live with more patience? And you're so patient with me, by the way.

Oh, my goodness.

You put up with so much.

I see in your eyes that you're like, I have had to grow in this area because I've had to be patient with Ashley.

I have not. That is.

No. I remember early in our marriage, and this is so, I know, stereotypical, but I remember that you grew up in a household full of boys. Okay, I did. And even though, like, your mom has done such a great job of bringing you into the kind of world of the woman as much as she could, being a mom. Okay. But you weren't used to, I don't know, a woman getting ready. And I just remember you would try to be especially patient with me with getting ready. And I'm actually a pretty fast.

You are super fast.

My family was always like, late, running late places. So I kind of had to be. But I remember there would be times where I would take a little and that would be a little. Cause, Dave, you are so good at being on time. And that's where this comes in.

And to me, like, in most marriages I found are like this. There's one spouse who is super punctual, and it can be the man or the woman. This is not a specific issue. And one spouse that is like, you know what? This start time is more of a suggestion. Like, if we get there within a 30 minute grace period, we're fine.

30'S a little much.

I'm one where I'm like, militant about it. I'm like, it's a character issue to show up late. To show up late. It's a respect issue. It's saying if you show up late consistently, it's saying your time doesn't matter as much as my time. And I, like, take it personally. When I show up late somewhere, I feel terrible the whole time I'm there. And Ashley, who is super awesome and respectful and would never intentionally disrespect anyone, but she just sees kind of start time in a different way.

No, I intend on being there on time. I just don't give myself enough time. You tell me, add 15 minutes to how long you think it's going to take you to get there.

You'll kind of reverse engineer the timetable and you'll base it on absolutely perfect conditions. You're like, I need 10 minutes to do this and 10 minutes to do that. I'm like, that's how long you need. If there's not one red light between here and there, or if there's not one hiccup or one, you have a.

Full tank of gas. That's always my thing.

Yeah, but you have to plan for all these little incidental things that are completely out of your control. And so you've got to build in this cushion. And you've gotten better. You've helped me grow in tons of ways. I'm not trying to chastise you here, like, no, listen, young lady, this is how you are. The more mature one in the relationship. This is one of the few areas where I have the more grown up perspective.

You just have more realistic perspective. You better with time management.

You're too kind.

And so I have had to learn and you've been patient with me. So you've grown in patience. But I've also grown in being more punctual. You know, I really have. I will sometimes even be early. You guys like, yeah, sometimes she's pulling.

Me out the door. And really she's, you know, you've grown exceptionally in this area. But I think that for a lot of marriages, this becomes a sticking point. You know, we see it, you know, you'll see it when a couple walks into a room or a dinner or a meeting or whatever and you can tell that they were running late and that they're frazzled and that they're stressed and that there's been this kind of like bickering that's probably taken place of kind of pulling each other along. And so even if you, like us, are kind of wired up differently in this particular area, the key, and the key for so many of these areas, patients included, is to always be respectful to one another. Because here's the deal, like, your spouse is more important than your timeline. Your marriage is more important than your schedule. Being respectful is more important than being punctual. And you've, you've got to just show each other respect and give each other a lot of grace. And that doesn't mean that you don't kind of hurry each other along or remind each other, hey, we've got to get moving. We've got this thing to be at. But do it in a way that's never condemning, it's never belittling. Because once that starts, then you've already lost. Even if you happen to get there on time, you've already lost because you've disrespected each other on the way. And that's just one aspect of patience, right? I mean, patience in marriage isn't just that narrow of like punctuality, punctuality when we're gonna. Patience is really a much broader issue. And it can be, gosh, it can be about anything. Patience can have a big impact in your sex life. You know, when you've kinda got different mindsets of how long it takes to get there. Like, you know, for me, foreplay is completely unnecessary. Right. It's just like, hey, let's go, or right, I'm in the mood right this second. And you know, and you're wired up differently. And patience can be in your sex life, but patience can also be in, gosh, anything else. It can be in facing big life decisions when one of you is more risk taking and one of you appreciates stability and consistency a little bit more. And most spouses, again, most marriages rather are wired up where one spouse is more inclined to be the risk taker and one is more inclined to appreciate stability and consistency. Neither of those perspectives are wrong. God wires us up differently. And we have to be patient with each other in kind of those big life decision perspectives of do we move, do we take this new job, do we start this new thing, do we.

Have a church, we have another child or have a child at all?

Yes, the children issue is huge. And that's something maybe we should talk about specifically. So this is so much broader, guys, than let's show up on time for something. Patience is kind of like this foundational issue that will impact every aspect of how you relate to one another.

Absolutely. And I think where patience is just extremely important in marriage is when one spouse is going through a struggle. And when I think about our almost 20 year marriage, when I think about how much I needed Dave's patience, I mean, the biggest thing that comes to mind is my struggle with anxiety and depression because I myself was being impatient with how long it was taking me to heal and to get through this. It took me four years. It's different for every person. And I remember being impatient with myself. So I can't imagine being the spouse who feels helpless. Like you don't know what to do and you don't know, you don't know how to help, but it also, it's frustrating cause you want to see your spouse be themselves again. And so even if it's not anxiety and depression, but if a spouse is facing like a health struggle or maybe an addiction, you know, being patient with them and trusting that God is working in that situation, that is a test of, of your marriage. I mean, it really does test your marriage, but it also sometimes can even test your faith because you're frustrated At God. You're like, God, why is this taking so long?

Yeah, that's so true. And sometimes we show our love in terms of just being patient.

Sometimes that definitely when you were patient with me, I felt loved. I mean, that just. It spoke volumes to me about your commitment to our marriage. I mean, I think showing patience also shows commitment. And like, we talk about on here all the time. And Dave, I mean, he. In his book Seven Laws of Love, he talks about how love is commitment. I mean, it's not a feeling, it's a commitment.

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The first. I mean, it's the first part, and.

It goes on from there. But the very first attribute of love is that love is patient. And I love that because it's just showing us right out of the gate, look, this is what love looks like. Whether, you know, it's in loving your spouse, loving your children, loving in friendship. There is this element of patience, because patience requires selflessness, you know, because the selfish nature in us doesn't want to wait for anybody or anything. We want to just do things our own way. But patience takes a step back, and it has an attitude of serving that person, saying, no, I want to create a safe space for you. I want to make sure that you have everything that you need. And I'm willing to wait for the things that I want so that I can make sure that you have what you need. And that attitude of loving sacrifice that we're so willing and thrilled to make in a loving relationship, especially in marriage, it is so important. So love, you know, love requires patience. And that's not just advice from a podcast that's straight from God's word, explaining to us what love really is. Because our world has kind of sabotaged that whole concept of love and made it just this romantic, gushy feeling that comes and goes, something you can fall into and fall out of. But love, like Ashley said, it is a commitment, and it is something that requires patience. And if you want to learn more about love, go straight to the source, God's word. And that one chapter in Scripture is a great place to start. 1 Corinthians 13. And you can. You can learn more about love. And then, as you read it, I love how that passage ends. It says, love never fails. People fail because we're imperfect. But when you're allowing God's love to take root in your heart, and then you're living that out in your marriage, that kind of love will never fail.

Absolutely. And I just want to say, too, when it comes to conflict, patience is a buffer for anger. It doesn't let anger get a foothold. I mean, think about the more, you know, the longer we've been married, we've learned this because when we're just, you know, quick to respond in anger, like when we get annoyed, like when I'm running late or, you know, when maybe I didn't do something that I told Dave I would do, and I just forgot about it, you know, if he. Early in our marriage, there probably were a few times where maybe you showed your anger, you know, more readily. And Dave's never been one to just snap at me, but I could tell in his body language. And I would just feel like, oh, I'm letting him down. And it would kind of cause this rift in our relationship. But, you know, he is so patient with me. And this. We have this ongoing thing where for literally years, you all, like, I barely fill up our gas tank. He used to get a little frustrated with me because I always tell him, I have more faith than you. I have faith in the Lord that he's going to get me where I need to go. And I can ride it till it's at 8 miles, till it's empty, and then I'll go to the gas station. And he's one who, when it's at a quarter tank, he fills it up. Cause he's like, why risk it?

That's because you got to plan for all those incidentals. Because you don't know what's going to happen.

Exactly.

Like, the other day, we were running late, and I got in the car, and you'd been driving the van.

You were so patient with me.

And I got in the car, and we were already running late, which I was already frustrated about. And I turned the van on, and, like, the gas light is on, so now I'm gonna have to stop and get gas. And I'm like, it's empty.

And you're like, but you know what you did?

I didn't notice.

But I told him I didn't notice. And I said, I'm so sorry. He didn't say another word. He just went to the gas station and filled it up. That was patience. And it keeps. It's a buffer for anger, you know.

Yeah. Well, it doesn't do any good to, like, chastise each other, but, you know, and I'm happy to serve in that way. Like I tell her, and I mean, it's like, I don't want you to ever have to fill the gas tank up.

Well, now this is 20 years later. It wasn't always that way.

Early on, it was like, do you not know how an engine keeps running?

You see the little lever there?

Do the things on the dashboard make nothing to you?

I had one car too, where we drove just beaters for years, and we had one car where the gauge, it didn't even really show it. And so it's that little Honda Civic.

I don't know if you remember, old.

School, we really had to run on faith and fumes in that car.

But now it's. It's also the cell phone issue. It's not only refueling, it's recharging. Recharging that we kind of, like, have disagreements on because everyone. It's not just you. Everyone in our family. We have four sons now. There's most things I'm not good at. I am awesome. You're good at so much at plugging stuff in.

You are.

I am a boss. You're a boss at, like, plugging in a cell phone and making sure that it's charged and planning out, like, there are all these devices. They all need to be recharged. You know, everybody else in the family, they're like, you know, are teenage son. Like, dad, I don't have to charge it. It's like, it's still got 4%. It's gonna last, like, 10 more minutes at least. I'm like, why would you wait? So since I'm the one that plugs everything, then this is just a quick public service announcement. If I ever die unexpectedly, someone please rush to my home, because all the cell phones will be dead within an hour, and no one will know how to plug them back in. So just show them. No, I'm just kidding. You're much better at that. I don't know. You've gotten.

I'm trying to get better. I'm trying to see how much I have right now. I'm at, like, this used to really.

Like, Annoy me and almost offend me. Like, why doesn't anybody plug stuff in? This is disrespectful. Because if I'm trying to get ahold of you or if there's an emergency and you haven't plugged something in and then there's no communication and this is just unsafe. And it's silly. And it used to really bother me, still bothers me a little bit, honestly. But this is one area where God's always working on us individually to help bring us the fruit of the spirit. And part of how that he has continue to teach me patience, which is a lesson. I have such a long way to go. I'm reminded daily how impatient I am. Like when I'm in line at Walmart behind a lady that's trying to pay with a check and then balance her checkbook and I'm like, do you not have a debit card? It's like, I'll buy those three items for you if you'll just move out of this line. Or, you know, there's 17 items in a 15 item express lane, you know, oh man, that's just a character issue. But anyway, that's a whole separate thing. But with things like this silly little things pivoting from a mindset of frustration to saying, this is an opportunity for me to serve. This is just an opportunity for me to serve. And love is really serving as well. And so if I'm the guy in the family that plugs stuff in and refuels vehicles, you know what? I'm honored to serve because I love my family. And so again, I used to not have that perspective at all. I used to just get frustrated and grumpy and then slowly, as God just kind of reminds me of all of the countless ways that he serves me and has been patient with me. And it continues to be these little tiny acts of love where I can, without making a big deal about it.

Just plug in the device, just plug.

In the phone and smile and go about my day. And now, truly, most days I'm happy to do it. There are some days when all the phones are dead, when I really do get frustrated. But I'm happy to serve. And I'll just say this about it. This whole episode, it seems like I've been talking about things that I do better, which is not my intention. Because truly, if you followed us around for a day, 99% of everything that gets done in our home is because Ashley is doing it. And I'm not exaggerating here, she is the hardest working Person that I know and just blows me away with like, her ingenuity and her work ethic and what she gets done in ways that like, I would live like a caveman without her. I really would. And I kind of did until we got together. Like, you know, my dorm room, it was when we met.

It was interesting, I'll say that.

It was just disgusting. I think coronavirus may have started somehow, like in a unwashed pile of laundry in that dorm room all those years ago. And I apologize for that, for anything I had to do to start that. So she's helped bring me so far in so many ways. So I'm not trying to say like, oh, no, no. I'm just saying I'm the patient one young lady, and you've got a long way to go. It's not that at all.

No, we both, we always laugh. Cause patience is something that we both have had to grow in so much. So God keeps on reteaching us this lesson like it's something where it's one of those fruits of the spirit where just when we think, oh, we're patient, God will remind us, nope, you got more, you know, you got a lot farther to go. You need me desperately. And so I'm grateful to the Lord for working in that way. But, you know, I wanna just speak to the person listening to this who's like, you know what? I really struggle in this area and I have not been patient with my spouse and I've maybe even done some damage to their heart because I've been so kind of harsh with them and I've said some things that I can't take back and I've belittled them. Maybe in my words, but maybe not even in your words. Maybe it was just in kind of your countenance, like your overall body language. You've just kind of gotten into this dynamic where you're constantly annoyed with them and you're impatient with them and they can never be good enough. They can, you know, do the right thing. I just wanna challenge you today to let this be the day where you apologize. Okay, don't even ask em, like, have I not been patient? Because that's the Lord convicting your heart. And believe me, I've been convicted of this so many times. But if you're having that thought right now, it's the Holy Spirit saying, yeah, you need to make amends here. And this is a great opportunity for you to be the first to go and say, I am so sorry. I really need to be held accountable in this area. I listened to this podcast today and I'd love for you to listen to it too, but I feel like I have not been patient with you and I. And in the word it says, you know, love is patient. It's literally the first description of love. And I haven't been fulfilling this and I need your help in holding me accountable. You know, I just want to be more patient with you because when I wasn't patient with you, it wasn't that I don't love you, but I know that in my response it hasn't been loving. And I want to love you to the best of my ability.

Man, that is so good and such a challenge that we can't truly say I love you without also choosing proactively to be patient with each other. Because love is patient. Man, Such good stuff. We keep talking about this, but it is time for us to transition to really my favorite part of the podcast, which is the Q and A. And thank you guys for sending in your questions. Just a reminder, you can send in questions@nakedmarriagepodcast.com those are the ones that get answered here on the air. But you can also write us on social media. You can look up the word marriage on Facebook and find the marriage page where Ashley and I post live videos and answer. You can find us on Instagram Ave and ashleywillis. So yeah, you can. I mean, you're throw this out. You can even send us an email.

So.

Davexomarriage.com ashleyxomarriage.com and that xomarriage.com by the way, is also a one stop shop for all kinds of great marriage resources. It's just amazing that the site's just been redone. It's got a bunch of great stuff. So check out exomarriage. You'll be glad you did. So today's question. Sweetie, you wanna read this? And by the way, we don't preview these, so we're seeing this for the very first time. And yeah, so I'm excited. I'm excited to see what this is.

All right. It says, my wife enjoys quickies in quotation marks, but unless we're having sex on a regular basis, I hate them. It makes me feel dirty, used and angry and undesired, like I've just raped my wife. She tells me that she's always connected, but I'm a very perceptive person and can read body language very well. My question is, is it normal to always want some form of emotional connection during sex? That's a good question.

That is a really good question. I think, like, I think this is nuanced, right? I feel like that what's happening. I was hoping for more of a softball question. Like this is actually, this is actually tough.

That's a good question. It's very honest.

We love these kind of questions, by the way. We want to address the real stuff. I think this is a nuanced issue. Usually when somebody's feeling disconnected in the bedroom, it's often a sign that there is a disconnect happening outside the bedroom and that it's just kind of manifesting itself in that way. Now, personally, I think a quickie can be great for your sex life, especially when one spouse has a much higher drive than the other one. And just as a way for that spouse with maybe a lower drive to just be like, hey, again, this is a way that I can, I can serve you. Like, I'm not feeling like I need it right this second, but I'm the only legitimate source of sexual fulfillment on the planet. You have. There's nowhere else you can go. And I'm honored to be the one to help meet that need for you. And so, yeah, let me do that for you. I mean, it's what's more important than taking a couple minutes and making your day. But if that's all you're ever doing, if it's all ever just a quickie, there's never that emotional connection. That's frustrating too, I would say in this situation it sounds like you're feeling maybe like there's a lack of emotional connection outside the bedroom. And that's being exacerbated by the fact that inside the bedroom it's mostly the quickie and there's not an emotional connection. I think the best sex obviously is when there is complete emotional connection. When you both have a mind blowing orgasm. Like all of that. That's the goal. That's not saying there's never room for a quickie, but in this, what I'm feeling like is coming through this question is I'm feeling emotionally disconnected from my wife. And because of that, when we have sex in this just kind of quick way, it's just making me feel more disconnected from her. Like we're just going through the motions. She's physical, I'm just servicing her, you know, like in your words. And so I think that that's really a root of a deeper issue that's not just about your sex life. It's. I'm feeling disconnected from my wife. And I think that's where to start the conversation. It's not just what you desire in the bedroom, even though you have to be honest about that. But I think it's. I'm feeling disconnected from you, and I want to feel close to you. And I want to feel that we're completely in sync, mind, body and soul. And right now I feel like we're not. And the bedroom is one example of that. But I think that it's just a symptom of a deeper issue, you know?

Absolutely. I know if this was a woman writing. And it would be a man requesting this all the time. A lot of times we bring up porn and this. I just want to bring this up because it may not be actually like watching porn, but for women. Sometimes these romance novels can get a woman so worked up that she's basically, you know, finishing out the fantasy with her spouse. And I wonder, like you said, it's nuanced that may be going on here if this is happening a lot. And I'm not saying that to shame anybody, but I'm just saying that that is. It's just a slippery slope. Because just like pornography, I know this things like, you know, we mentioned 50 shades of gray. I know that that's like a socially acceptable one that a lot of people were reading. Like, it's just no big thing. But that really does put these images in our mind and kind of gets us to this place where it is just the physical. It's kind of working out these fantasies. And it's just dangerous territory because that does cause disconnection ultimately. Like, you might be really revved up to go have some sex, but, like, you're not really connecting emotionally. And so if I were this. This husband, I would just go to your wife and just really have an honest conversation and just say, listen, there's no shame here, but I just feel this disconnect. And I don't know why the quickie is what you want to tend to go to, because I just never feel like when we're having sex that I'm fully emotionally connecting. And you might be, but I don't feel that. And I really wanna explore that. Cause I feel like there's something missing here. And if you just have that honest conversation and even, you know, share whatever's on your heart and not be in an accusing way, but just a really, like, caring way, like, what is it? You know, am I. Is there something I could be doing? I don't wanna help us connect.

Be filling in some mental fantasy you're having about someone else or some fictional character. And I just happen to be the warm body that's in the room.

Because marriage, you're missing out on the.

Yeah, you're missing out on sex, you know, which is. It is meant to be, you know, that mind, body, spirit coming together in oneness in a beautiful way. And if you're never experiencing that, then you're missing out on one of the most sacred and beautiful aspects of all of marriage.

How God designed it, you know?

And so, yeah, keep having those conversations. And I hope that what we've shared here at least kind of sparks maybe some new conversations that will lead you in your own marriage, kind of to a deeper level of intimacy that could eventually create that deeper connection in the bedroom as well. A resource that could help you in that is a nice segue to plug. The Naked Marriage book, which I just happen to have a copy of right here. Where did this come from? And this is really our story, but it's more than our story. It's God's plan for your marriage. God wants you to have a naked marriage, and naked is not just physical. It's so much more than that. So check out the naked marriage book or audiobook where we kind of talk about all the different barriers that can stand in the way of true intimacy. And we just want to cheer you along as you experience all that God has for you inside and outside the bedroom. So, guys, thank you so much for listening and for watching those of you who are watching here on YouTube. Sweetie, any final words?

Now? We just appreciate you listening and for being so honest with these questions. You know, I know sometimes we feel like we don't even have a place to ask these very important questions. And so thank you for being honest and being willing to ask these questions because I know. It's just so good to know we're not the only ones struggling in our marriage that everybody goes through stuff. And your question probably will help another couple as well, and maybe many couples. And so thank you for asking those. And we will join you next time on the Naked Marriage Podcast. Bye, guys.

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