How to Handle People Trying to Manipulate Our Marriage// Hump Day Q&A

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It's Hump day Q and A time.

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Hey there and welcome back to another Hunt Day Q and A. We are Dave and Ashley Willis and we are so excited that you are taking time out of your busy day to join us. We have a great question today and real quick, if you want your question to be on air, you can leave it at our Instagram page, which is avanashleywillis. You can give us a DM there or you can comment on one of our posts. We get them all different places. You can also go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com all right, today's question is from Skywalking 4 Life. That's their Instagram handle and this is their question. You want to share it, sweetie?

Yeah, Great question. It says how to handle jealous people trying to manipulate your relationship and how to know if a person is a trustworthy friend. Signs they might not be. Thank you for all your prayers and advice and willingness to discuss difficult subjects. God bless you guys. Yeah, that's a great, great question.

Such a good question.

So thankful for that. How to handle people trying to manipulate your relationship and then really kind of, what are those hallmarks of healthy friendship? That should be the litmus test for how we are as spouses because our spouses should be best friends first off. So you should be the best friend to your spouse and then what kind of people should you allow in because you're going to end up being like the people you hang around the most. That's just how God wired up things like you know, when proximity matters. So the people you're allowing to be your closest influences, they're going to influence you whether they're healthy or unhealthy. So what are some ways to be a good friend? I think, you know, the Bible gives us a good kind of litmus test for this. And some of the things that, in the book of Proverbs specifically, which is a book of wisdom, lists out some of those hallmarks of good friendship. One of those hallmarks is just being willing to tell each other the truth. A friend is always honest, even. Even if it's difficult truth that says wounds from a friend can be trusted. A friend will love you enough to tell you a difficult truth. But they'll do it in love. They won't do it in a manipulative way. They won't do it in a harsh, critical way. But they'll point out, they'll be, listen, you know, they're the ones that tell you you got something stuck in your teeth. I was walking around church the other day.

Oh, my gosh. Yes.

I had like some massive thing on my tooth.

He's still not even sure what it was.

It was. I didn't know what it was. It looked like I had a blacked out tooth. It was like.

Like a blueberry skin or something.

And I talked to probably 50 people.

You did premarital counseling first and.

Yeah, I did like an hour counseling with this couple that probably thought I was just out of my mind.

Did Dave lose a tooth?

And then as soon as I walked out, lady that worked at the church just looked at me real quick, and first glance she said, just so you know, there's something huge on your tooth.

God bless, Taylor, for being honest with you.

Yeah, thank you, Taylor.

Thank you, Taylor.

That's. I said, that's what real friends do. Where are all these people? You know, a friend will tell you you got something in your teeth.

And she's a new friend of ours. She's new on staff, but thank God for that. No, that is so true. Like being honest in love. We talked about that before.

And not only honest to you, but they'll speak well about you when you're not there.

Oh, yes.

If somebody's gossiping, spreading negative gossip about anybody, you don't want to be their friend. Because if they're talking negatively about other people, they'll do the same about you. And that's not a good friend. That's. That's somebody that stirs up drama and division, and you don't need that in your life. You need friends that bring comedy, not drama.

I love it. I actually wrote an article about this years ago. It's called the four friends that are bad for your marriage. So I'm going to go through what the four friends are who are bad for your marriage. And number one, it's the friend who talks badly about his or her spouse. Now, I know when you first hear that, you're like, what do you. What do you mean? Like, my friend can't tell me if something bad's going on in her marriage. Obviously not. Like, we need to be friends who support each other. If there's something horrible that happened, she needs to share that with you. But I'm talking about being nitpicky and just talking, you know, just. Just airing out your spouse's dirty laundry constantly. Their spouse's dirty laundry. That's really not a good sign. Because what it. What it really does is it makes us kind of fall in line with that. I'll never forget, years ago, I was actually out to lunch with some friends. We were having a really good conversation, and there were these other ladies beside us, and I couldn't help but hear their conversation. And they were just totally complaining about their husbands the entire time. And it was like, one would share a story and make fun and complain, and then the next one would do the same, and the next one would do the same. It was like they all felt compelled, like, okay, well, now we're doing this, I need to be part of it. And that tends to be how conversations go. And so I would say, think about that.

So who is your friend group? Because if your friend group is the husband bashers or the wife bashers, you need to try to change the tone of that group. Be the one to say, listen, guys, you know, I don't want to talk that way about my wife or my husband. And if that isn't received well, or even if it is received well, but they keep doing what they're doing, I would say you still need to find another friend group. You're like, no, but this has been my crew from forever. And it's like, well, they're not good for you. They're not. And so if anything.

And it will rub off.

It will rub off. I promise that it will.

I think more than anything, it's not that we all have perfect marriages, because none of us do, but that we have a posture of wanting to have a great marriage. Marriage and wanting to respect our spouse and be able to speak truth about what we're going through, but in a loving Way. In an honest but loving way to where we're not throwing our spouse under the bus because we don't want our spouse to do that either. Right. And so if our friend's doing that, we don't want to end up doing that to our spouse. All right. The second friend that is bad for your marriage would be a friend who talks badly about your spouse. Oh, yeah. So if at every chance they get.

That'S way out of bounds.

They try to find a reason to say, like, let's say, you know, they didn't see your spouse at church that Sunday. And so you end up seeing your friend at church and your friends. And your friend is like, where's Dave? Oh, you know what? He had something that he had to finish at work, and he just couldn't come this Sunday. I mean, he loves church, but, you know, just this Sunday. Well, gosh, it's happened a lot of Sundays. I mean, he always has something that's more important, you know, than you, than church. Like, you know, just trying to point out the negative. Now, again, if you're a really good friend and you see some kind of behavior in. In your spouse's, you know, in your friend's spouse, I'm not saying you don't address it, but being nitpicky is not okay. Like, just trying to put negativity in your spouse's mind. I'm not saying that if you, you know, see that your spouse is being emotionally abused or physically abused by their spouse, that you shouldn't say something. Absolutely say something.

Have an intervention.

Have an intervention. Make sure they're safe, but don't be critical. Don't be super critical of finding every little thing, because it's just stirring it up. I mean, in the Bible, it says that God does not like us to stir up dissension. Okay? And so stirring up dissension is that. That critical mindset, that nitpicky mindset. So you don't want to do that. It's just not. It's not okay to have friends that say this about your spouse. And I would say, too, if you have a friend who consistently does this, you have to stand up for your spouse and say, listen, Cindy. And I'm sorry if your name's Cindy. I'm just using Cindy as a name. Cindy's a lovely name.

Dang it, Cindy.

Many levels of Cindy.

Why are you the way you are?

You're like, cindy, I love you. We've been friends for a long time, but it's not okay that you talk about Dave. That way it's not okay. It really. It puts me in a funk.

What did I learn?

I wasn't even in a funk. And you know, if you love me, you're going to stop doing that. All right. Simple as that. All right. The third friend. You want to talk about that?

Yeah. You know, I, I would add. I would add another one.

Well, you haven't even seen the whole list yet.

You have one that's like the friend that's like, way too complimentary of your spouse.

Hey, I don't even think that's on my list. Let's make it.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's like the one that's like real critical, but basically anybody that's just really focused on your spouse like that. If you have a same gender friend who's like, really focused on your spouse, either in a very negative way or like a little bit creepily, too positive way, all of that.

Has he lost weight? I mean, he's so strong.

She is. Oh, man. She.

In the way he treats you. I would give anything, like, I mean, just all like, over and over. I'm not saying, like one comment. I mean, like, every time you get together, they're ogling over your spouse.

Yeah.

You know, yeah, That's a good one, sweetie.

Yeah. You got somebody that's way too complimentary of your spouse or kind of laughing a little too hard at everything your husband says.

Very or too handsy with your spouse.

Oh, yeah, handsy.

Keep the hands away, ladies. Okay.

He's all who you are.

Yeah. I will cut you.

She will.

I literally will.

She watches a lot of true crime. She will.

No, I will.

They'll never find the body.

It's okay. She wants somebody to disappear. Like, back off, Off. You know. Oh, my gosh, you're so silly. Okay, so another friend who is bad for your marriage is the friend who is always trying to put you against your family. So, like, you're just, you know, they're always putting you against your spouse and children. Like, you know, you should spend more time with me. They are sucking the life out of you or, you know, always trying to take you away from your spouse and family. And it, and it could be. I want to say this. I think sometimes our friends can be going through a hard time and they. And they need you and they want you to, but it can't be at the expense of your family. So I would give them the benefit of the doubt and that they're hurting and they want your time, but also, you have to Stand up for your spouse and family and say, listen, they're my priority. I love you. I'm always here for you. But I maybe can't be here for you in the way, the exact way that you want me to be here for, for you because I have a spouse and family. But, you know, I'm always praying for you. I'm a phone call away in a really hard moment, but I can't always, you know, I feel like you're kind of taking me away from my kids and family. And I know that you have to have a really close friendship to be able to have that kind of conversation. But if they're truly a friend, they will be receptive to that. All right, last one is okay. And this is hard, is, you know, a friend that would not be necessarily good for your marriage to watch out for is a friend who is constantly down on marriage. Like they're constantly saying things like, man, you'd be able to do so much more and have so much more fun if you weren't married. Yeah. And marriage is that just. Yeah.

Glamorizes divorce and, and singleness. And singleness. And they're down, they're down on the opposite sex in general. Unless you're just kind of like in using type relationships.

Right. And, and usually they're hurting.

Yeah, usually they're wounded, but they very wounded. Misery loves company. They want you to join them in, in that hurting. You know, they want you to join them at happy hour and drink too much and just bash men or bash women and.

Yeah.

And you got to be really careful of that.

You do. And instead be.

I'm not saying you can't be friends with like single people.

I mean, 100% be friends with single people.

Some of the healthiest people I know are single people.

Yes.

And I'm so thankful for their friendship and their influence in my life. I mean, many of the heroes of faith, you know, Jesus, the Apostle Paul, you know, these, there's a precedent for, you know, living a very full, God centered life as a single person. But you know what I'm talking about. It's, it's not a relationship status, it's a heart status.

Right.

It's that, it's that mindset that's like I'm allowing my woundedness to taint everything and to try to get everybody to, to dismiss. I had a bad experience. So I want to, I want to taint everybody else's experience.

Like marriage is a prison.

Yeah.

Oh, you know, always feeling like just because you need to consult with your spouse about your schedule now that you're married, because that's just showing common courtesy and love to your spouse. And they're like, oh, you know, you shouldn't have to do that. You're. You're a grown woman. You're a grown man. You know, I have this in the article, and I just wanted to read this too, is we shouldn't end a friendship simply because we don't agree with everything he or she says. But we can't be close friends with someone who won't respect our beliefs or tries to belittle our values. And that includes our value that we have for marriage and for our family. And so just keep that in mind.

Yeah. Yeah, that's really good.

Great question.

Great question, guys. Yeah, I hope you enjoyed it. We enjoyed that question. And you know that Ashley read from an article. We have a library, tons of articles, free articles, many by us and then. And videos and videos, you know, and then others by. By the ministry's founder, Jimmy Evans, and countless others. So go to xomarriage.com and you can find whatever you're looking for, whatever specific issue that you're facing, whatever specific question you might have. Chances are very high that we have addressed that topic already in a free resource that you can find by just doing a little bit of research@xomarriage.com and if you can't find what you're looking for, let us know and maybe you'll inspire a new article or a new podcast episode. Because we want to. We want to be a safe place for all things related to marriage. And thank you so much for trusting us. Thank you for being part of this conversation. We appreciate you guys and we look forward to seeing you next time.

Bye, guys.

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Thank you all so much for listening to today's episode of Hump Day. Q and A. We love getting your questions and we want to answer your question. So if you go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com you can submit your question right there. Or you can follow us on Instagram avanashleywillis and you can give us your questions right there by giving us a dm. So we'll catch you next time on Hump Day Q and A.