How to Make Decisions

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Hello and welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis and on this podcast we address the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And we are continuing on in our nine part series about the nine habits that lead to divorce. We are doing habit number seven and we're calling it Risky Decisions. And Dave's going to tell you more about that in just a minute. But before we dive in, I want to share another review with you. Thank you again to those of you who've taken the time to leave a review. It's the best way to spread the message of the Naked Marriage podcast and to help other people know how to have a strong marriage. And so the review Today is from JoeMiller123 and it says this newlywed here. This podcast was amazing and insightful in the engagement period of my relationship and I am binging them all over again. As a newly married woman, as someone who saved myself for the wedding day, I felt encouraged and prepared for that day and I'm so excited to continue using the advice and ideas that just became available to start putting into practice. Amazing podcast. Well, gosh, thank you so much for leaving that and congratulations on getting married you guys. We love hearing from all of you. Thank you again for leaving the reviews.

It's so wise to just start out your relationship wanting to build on a solid foundation. And it's also so wise you who are listening right now, whatever season of marriage you're in, to just be intentional about continuing to grow.

Yes.

Your love, love for one another and your commitment together. I just believe God always honors those investments we make into building a stronger marriage. So we're so honored that you've tuned in with us today. We've got a really important conversations on how to make healthy decisions in marriage. So let's dive in.

Well, I'm really excited about today's episode because I do think this is one that happens to everybody. And maybe people have pondered because we have had a lot of feedback about this. Like, years ago, I wrote a blog. We're talking, like, six years ago. So pretty early on in our marriage ministry, I wrote a blog that basically said, you know, why I consult my spouse with every decision or something to that effect, or why I look, you know, ask for my spouse's permission. Like, before I would make a decision, and let me tell you, I had so many people write me and say, oh, my goodness, I'm so glad you wrote about this, because I do this. And people have made me feel weird because we consult each other on everything. And then I had other people write me and say, this is terrible and. And manipulative. And, you know, you shouldn't have to ask your spouse, you know, or consult your spouse before making decisions because you're your own person. And so there was, like, all this back and forth, and that's what we're talking about today. We're calling it Risky Decisions because we truly believe that this thing, like when you make decisions without especially big ones, without talking to your spouse first, you're going to get yourself into a world of hurt. And we've actually seen this, you know, especially when it becomes a habit. We have seen this lead to divorce, and that's why we have this as part of our nine habits that lead to divorce. Because we really believe in marriage, that every decision is our decision. Because really, whether you believe it or not, everything you do in marriage or everything you do when you are a married person does affect your spouse.

It really does. Everything you do, every dollar you spend, every decision you make, every commitment you make, it all impacts your marriage. Because you guys are. You're intimately and intricately connected. And that's one of the reasons we encourage people to wear wedding rings. It not only is a way to kind of let the world know, signal to the world, hey, I'm off limits. I'm committed. But it's a reminder for you to look down at your hand through the day and just be reminded. You know what? Every decision I make today, whether my spouse is standing here with me or not, it's all going to impact them. And if I'm going to make decisions, big decisions, without consulting them, that can be harmful, that can be disrespectful. I saw an article just this week about celebrity movie star Ryan Reynolds, and it was a marriage article. And he said that he made a decision one time. I didn't even read the article. I just kind of read the synopsis. But he made a $3 million purchase without talking to his wife. And that they were still, in his words, working through that one.

Right.

Because, like, that's a big deal.

Now, I would call that a big decision.

Now. They, they've got, I'm sure, a lot of money. They probably had more than enough to, to, to cover that. But for us, like, our threshold is a lot lower than $3 million. I've never, never seen that much money. But if I was going to spend that much Monopoly money, I think I would call you. But we, our threshold is $50. And this started early in our marriage when we really, we had tension around finances. This isn't. We're not just talking about financial decisions, by the way, but just as a starting point, because this is, this is where a lot of folks hide their decisions from each other, is about money. I'm going to spend this, or I feel entitled. I made this money. This is my money. All the money for bills, that's our money. But this is my money, and I'm going to spend it however I want. And we kind of got into trouble. We didn't have much money at all. And we just got into trouble and got into some debt. And we finally had to make some decisions, like if we're going to spend anything. And we've used this policy. We've talked about this over time.

We actually picked this up from some other people. We learned this from another couple.

Yeah. And they said, pick a threshold, 50 bucks or whatever. And if it's going to be more than that, call each other, check in and say, like, hey, I was going to make this purchase. Is now a good time? And we started doing that. We kept doing that. And it's kind of. It's kept us in the, in the loop and lets us know what's going in, what's coming in, what's coming out. And it's been really valuable for us. And we don't look at that at all as like a prison or like not trusting each other. We see it as a way to respect each other.

Right.

Saying these resources, it's all our responsibility to manage this well. And so let's just talk about things together.

Right. And I think it's really just a coming together. And, you know, when I think back to the overwhelming response we got from that article, I was really. I remember we were both shocked by it because I didn't think this was like anything Earth shattering. But I think, you know, when I really looked at the comments, it was. People really had this. This problem with the word permission. But do you guys know that when you're consulting, you guys are seeking each other's permission? Ok, okay. It's semantics. Like you're just choosing a different word. And. But it just showed me that I think in marriage we all can really have pride around this issue of checking in with each other and, you know, over things like money or your time. Time's a big one. Like, you know, I, I know people that don't check with their spouse about kind of, you know, their schedule. And to me, that or to us, that would be maddening. Like, there's, there's too many moving parts. I don't know how that would even work. You know what I'm saying? I mean, we share the same Google calendar because we want to know what's going on in each other's lives. And most of the time, before we even put something on the calendar, we'll check with each other. And really, it's not to control each other or anything like that. It's just to make sure that we're all on the same page.

Yeah. And it's honoring each other.

Right. Because our time, you know, it's not completely our own when we're married. And that's not a bad thing. That's a beautiful thing. We're sharing life together. And especially if you have children, you got to make sure that you know who's taken, you know, the children where, and, and all that kind of stuff. And so I think it's. It's just really interesting that there is, there's, there is this kind of. I feel like there's. There's kind of a push towards not having to consult is what I'm seeing kind of in the work that we do. Don't you see that, sweetie? And I think a lot of it, like we've talked about throughout this series, a lot of that is rooted in pride and it's in the. I shouldn't have to check or even just being annoyed that you'd have to check. And I would even venture to say, even if you don't have children or you're retired or, you know, a lot of different scenarios, you still need to check in with each other. Like, I think it's really hard to have a strong marriage when you're not ever thinking to consider the opinion of your spouse because their opinion should matter to you more than just about any other person's opinion.

Yeah. And Obviously, as you share things with them, like, I'd really like to do this, or you make this purchase or, you know, join this, this thing whenever possible. Say yes to each other.

Yes.

You know, we're not trying to control each other or limit each other. You want to empower your spouse and you want them to flourish in every way. But if, if we never talk about it, like, if, if you're going to take on a commitment of your time, if you're going to, you know, even if you have the, if you're going to even stay late for work and you have the option not to, to just check in with your spouse to say, hey, I know you were planning on me being home, I've got the option to stay. And it would help with some things if I could stay an extra hour or two tonight. But I want to honor our plans and you and the kids. So what do you think about that? And talk through it together instead of just saying like, no, this is my decision. It's my time, it's my career, it's my everything. Using the word mine. This is one of the habits we talked about earlier, the his and hers trap, the mine and yours trap. When it just becomes it's my time, my right, my choice, my stuff, my money instead of ours, then you're already on the wrong track because your mindset is wrong. And marriage has to be. It has to be ours. Or it's not even marriage. Divorce is his and hers. Marriage is ours.

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Exactly. And you have to consult with each other in order to, to keep on the same page. And so what are some signs that you might be making some risky decisions? I would say this, that whenever you get ready to make a decision, you don't even think twice or even once about your spouse. Like it's not even a thing. Or I would say, you know, even a step further is you think of your spouse in a derogatory way and think, well, I'm just not going to tell him. So then you're kind of breeding secrecy. Like I'm gonna go ahead and make this decision but I'm just gonna hope they don't ask me about it and I'm not gonna tell em about it because I don't wanna fool with that. You know, it's just again very dismissive. I think too, you know, you might be caught in this when you are trying to make a big decision and you know, you have to involve your spouse, but it feels like the bane of your existence. Like, like you're so dreading it because you know that that conversation is, is going to be a hard one and that your spouse could potentially say, well maybe that's not the best timing or the best, you know, maybe that's not the best decision for us. And again, I feel like that that's just showing that there's a lack of closeness that, that maybe you both have become accustomed to making decisions on your own and not involving the other. And the thought of, of all of a sudden re engaging and involving one another just seems so overwhelming to you. You might be caught in this trap. And I would say, you know, in order to turn it around, you have to start talking to each other. And if you have gotten into this rut of really avoiding each other and just doing your own thing and living separate lives, it is going to be awkward at first. It's going to be very awkward and it might even feel like you're with a stranger. It might even feel like, you know, why are we married here? Because you've gotten so used to just living these separate lives and passing, you know, ships passing in the night like we've said before. But I would just encourage you to start talking again. Remember why God brought two of you together and really humble yourself and go to your spouse. Especially if you're the one listening to this and you realize this is kind of the dynamic you're in right now. Go to your spouse and say, listen, I Think that we've been kind of living separate lives and making decisions on our own, when really I should have been consulting with you. And I'm just so sorry that I've been doing my part in this. And, you know, would you work with me on getting back together, on making decisions? Because I don't want to be, you know, in a marriage that feels like it's not really a marriage. You know, I want to learn how to make these decisions together again. And I think, you know, humbling yourself and just being that honest, it really. It's not attacking your spouse. It's just being honest about kind of where you are. But it also is going to give your spouse a chance to really voice kind of how they're feeling and also a chance to connect again. You know, most of these habits that we've been talking about that often lead to divorce, almost all of them, they have to do with a lack of connection. They're behaviors that lead or perpetuate a lack of connection. And so we've got to come back together. You know, we. And it. Again, it's not easy. It's awkward. It's. I would be shocked if it's not awkward. But that's not, you know, a sign that it's not going to be okay. It just means you're going to have to have. It's not. It's not going to be fixed in one conversation. You're going to have to really do the hard work to get back together, to get on the same page. And oftentimes it does involve getting professional help, which I know we mention this all the time, but going to a Christian counselor, talking to one of our exo mediators, you know, there's so many resources out there. I would even tell you, you know, in your church, there's more than likely a marriage group. Join the marriage group, Be around people who want to have a thriving marriage and learn from each other. And know, too, what you'll find very quickly in these marriage groups is that there's not one perfect marriage out there. And that in itself, you know, you're like, okay, I mean, I'm in good company here. Yeah, we all want.

We're all a work in progress, right?

We all want the same thing. We want to be connected and have God honoring marriages that are gonna last. But, you know, it's not. It's not like we're. None of us are perfect. You know, that's not even the goal. That the goal is progress, is staying together, is honoring God and doing the hard work.

Yes. And I would say the only exception to make decisions together would be a surprise. But a caveat even with that. Do not make a big decision that you just wanted to make and then disguise it as a surprise for your spouse just because you wanted a dog.

Oh, goodness.

Don't surprise your spouse by bringing a dog home. Like, we were watching a movie one.

Time and it was Diary of a Wimpy Kid. We love these movies.

We love these movies. It's kind of like the story of our lives, I think.

Yeah, we can relate.

Yes. And the dad brought home a dog without asking. Without asking the mom, his wife. And Ashley was so mad at the dad in the movie that I think I had to sleep on the couch that night. She was just like, never do that to me. And I'm thinking, I wouldn't.

I just looked at it at you. Because when these movies came out, we had really little ones at home. And they did too in the movie. Like they had a toddler along with two other boys. And I just remember thinking like that that would be a really bad day. And I love dogs. But no, we're not doing that.

Yeah, so. So don't get into that habit. I think that's how some people get around it. Like they'll be like, surprise, I got you a giant, giant tv. And it's like, wait a second, we can't afford a giant tv. And you're the one who wanted it in the first place. That's not a surprise for me.

And it would be like you've been telling me for months that we need to really kind of, you know, lower our budget on certain things. We can't get extras. And all of a sudden you're buying this massive tv. I mean, it, you know, it can feel, it can feel very disrespectful.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, that's really.

And then. But you put your spouse in a no win situation, like, oh, you're being ungrateful to my surprise, to my gift. It's like, don't do that. Don't put any each other in situations where it's no win. Because in that situation, your spouse can't win. They either have to reluctantly agree to this so called gift that they didn't want or ask for that's going to cost the family money or resources or time that that spouse didn't want to give or they have to seem like a jerk for telling you that they didn't want it. And so yes, there are times when a surprise is beautiful and appropriate and you know, have A surprise party for your spouse at some point in their life. It's beautiful. And give him a surprise gift sometimes, but don't let that be your way to work around not having to consult him on big decision. Like, hey, surprise, I signed us up for this thing. And you're thinking, like, I didn't want to be signed up for that. That's not a surprise. That's. That's not. So that's the little. The caveat there on surprises. Those can be risky surprises, just like risky decisions.

And it can really. Cause, you know, here you're trying supposedly to do something nice, but really it just causes a fight and resentment ultimately. So you definitely need to always come together and talk through everything, I think, especially when it comes to big decisions. You know, we get these questions a lot where it's like, well, my husband, my wife, they're just indecisive, or they're, you know, they're not as. I don't know. They don't have as much ambition as I do. And so they're just fine with the same house that we've lived in forever. But I would just love to get a little more space because we're so cramped in here, and they'll never agree to getting that other house. You know what I'm saying? Like, we hear from people like that where they just have very different personalities. And that's when I would tell you, first of all, you don't. If you've never talked to them about this, you don't know what they would say, you know, because a lot of times we're making assumptions, and maybe you don't really know. Like, maybe you've not even looked at another house, or you haven't, you know, considered whatever it is you're trying to consider. You haven't really taken your spouse, you know, whether physically taking them there for the thing, whatever decision you're trying to make or, you know, walked them through it, like, talk to them about it to see what they would really think. I think sometimes we hold back and just make assumptions like, well, they'll never really listen to me when really we're just. We're really kind of. We're making the decision for them. And already, even without making it, because we won't even give them the courtesy of even having, you know, consideration just by describing it to them. And so don't count them out, you know, and if you do feel like, well, no matter what, I just know their. Their answer's gonna be no. Like, they're just kind of a no person like it. They just don't want anything to change. They don't like change. They don't like whatever. I would just encourage you to maybe reach out to a professional because maybe. Maybe you do need someone else who's neutral, who's not part of your family, who's a professional, who can kind of look at your situation and say, listen, it looks like you guys are kind of in the rut of the same O. Same O. That's at least what we say. And you might need a little coaxing to try something new to make a decision. You know, some people do have, like, decision fatigue or decision paralysis. Like, that's a real thing. And a lot of times it. It stems back to maybe some mental health issues that someone's going through. And sometimes it does take someone outside of your family to really speak into that and. And to recognize those things so that you can kind of get. Get past this and. And be able to get on the same page again.

So good, guys. So good. I hope that this conversation just helps you and your spouse make more unified decisions, because the more decisions you can make together, the more it's going to bring you together as a couple and keep your communication intact and really just help you stay on the same page. And so if there's any part of your life that you're making decisions consistently without your spouse, maybe this is a reminder to, one, stop doing that and two, apologize for it. Yeah, maybe this has been a blind spot where you didn't even really realize what you were doing was hurtful to the marriage. But to say, listen, listen, I've been making this decision without consulting you, and in my mind, I didn't think of it as disrespectful. But now, really looking at the situation, I realized that that wasn't honoring to you, that wasn't respectful to you. And I'm asking you to forgive me for that and to hold me accountable, because moving forward, I want to do it better, and I want to consult you in every decision that we make, and maybe it'll lead to some really, really meaningful conversations to you and your spouse. Like everything we here at ExoMarriage and on the Naked Marriage podcast, we hope just that, that it leads to meaningful conversations to bring you and your spouse closer together. Thanks so much for tuning in. We appreciate you so much. We'll look forward to seeing you this Wednesday for Hump Day Q and A, where we'll do a short episode just specifically to answer one of your questions. And of course, you can submit questions for that@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or you can also write us on Instagram at Dave and Ashley Willis God bless. We'll see you next time.

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