https://www.listennotes.com/e/267ea4ea4d2d42829f7010d476336677

Hey guys, welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast, we address the truth about sex, intimacy, and lifelong love. And we are so excited about the topic for today.

That's right, it's a great topic and a great question at the end.

Yes, always at the end.

We've got a great question that we answer at the end of every episode, and today's is a really good one. Quick announcement before we dive in. If you've listened to the podcast for any length of time, you know that we do live events all around the country called the XO Marriage Conferences. You can find out more about those at xomarriage.com, but coming up is our biggest event of the year. It's happening Valentine's Day weekend live in South Lake, Texas with live simulcast locations all around the country. And here's the announcement. We're making the simulcast available, the live simulcast for the lowest price it's ever been. And so if your church would like to host this be a host site for the live simulcast, you can learn more at xomarriage.com. that's X O S I M U L C A S T dot com. All the information is there. Guys, this is a great, great way to build marriage ministry within your church and within your community and to experience the best marriage conference on the planet live right where you live this Valentine's Day weekend. So we hope you'll check that out.

That's right. Well, let's dive into today's topic.

Hey guys, I'm excited about the topic. We're kind of taking things in a different direction this week and really answering a foundational issue related to marriage, which is why get married at all? And I know a lot of you were listening, you're like, well, we're already married. But this is important to understand because it's coming back to the meaning of what marriage is. Why get married? Why stay married? What's the point of marriage? How do we communicate that to our kids to model for them the kind of marriage that wants them to to carry on in this timeless tradition of sacred covenant of marriage. And how do we as a couple continue to live that out in our own relationship and not just give in and say, well, what's really the point of all of this? And so we're gonna just talk about the benefits of marriage in a world where a lot of folks have just said that's an outdated institution or it's just a piece of paper and we don't need that anymore. But the truth is it's much more than just a piece of paper. It is a covenant. established by God himself. And it is something that has all kinds of benefits both to your health, both to your spiritual life, both to your longevity. Married people actually live longer. And there's just a lot of wonderful things that can happen within that beautiful covenant of marriage. And we're going to talk about some of that today. And I, for one, am thrilled to be sitting here with the woman of my dreams. You know, I've just got like a million benefits to the fact that I am married. to the beautiful, the stunning Ashley Willis. And so, sweetie, what are some of your thoughts as we dive into this conversation about why get married? What are the benefits? What's the point?

I just think there's something so beautiful about two people committing their lives to each other. That is something that has been around from the dawn of time. There's something so beautiful when you think about that. Two people saying, I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you. I'm going to share in every moment with you. I'm going to learn and grow and change with you, beside you, through the good, the bad, and the ugly. We've been together 20 years, we've been married 18 and a half years. And it really is, you know, it's not, marriage isn't always easy, but there's something so beautiful about two people growing through all the different seasons together. And I feel like in marriage, you have this person that you're not only not only living with, but you're also learning so much from them. And I feel like, like with Dave in particular, he makes me better. He helps me see things in a different way. He is a lot like more fun than me, honestly. Like, I'm much more- oh my God.

You are so So fun.

Stop that. I love to have fun, but I'm much more kind of a stickler about certain things. And like when it comes to parenting too, like I'm, I'm pretty black and white about a lot of things.

Kids will ask me, they will ask me, like, Dad, I don't want mom.

To hear, but can I have this candy for dinner?

Or can I have, have you had dinner yet?

They tricked me at first though. They do, yeah. A long time ago when we first had kids, it was like they would, they would try to do that. That was kind of their MO. But, you know, we're on the same page now. We've walked through that. That was a tough season. We walked through getting on the same page. But, you know, even though that was hard trying to figure out how to parent together, it was so awesome just growing through that because, you know, even in those hard moments where we maybe even were fighting over something, we work through it together and we grow together and we learn, you know, different things from each other. And I love how Dave, you know, he always brings a different perspective. He a lot of times can see the lighthearted side of things and just kind of lighten me up. And I love that. because it just is something that if I was just by myself, I wouldn't be able to always see that. And in marriage, we always say the best marriages are between best friends. This doesn't mean you can't have other best friends in your life. I have one of my dear friends, Lana. Lana, if you're listening, you know who you are. She's in Montana. She's one of my best girlfriends. And I love her. We've been friends for gosh, I think like 11 years. Oh, I think it's been 11 years. Most of the time, not in the same state. We've lived apart, their military. But she's a dear, dear friend of mine. And I love being best friends with Lana. But Dave, you know, Dave is my best friend as well. And I get to be married to Dave. Like that's amazing, you know? So that's why we say the best marriages are between best friends because not only are we married and we're lovers, but we are best friends. We laugh together. We just, you know, we bring out the best in each other. Or at least we try to do that most of the time. And, you know, when you're married, it's just this journey that you're on. You're committing your lives together. So it's like you get to every day learn something new about each other and every day grow together. Every day you're changing together.

Yeah, that is, that's so, so true. So it's, you're married to your best friend. Like Ashley says, it doesn't mean you can't have other friends of the same gender, you know, like your girlfriends, your guy friends.

Yeah.

But if you will prioritize your friendship with your spouse over the course of your whole life, the marriages we've looked at, our mentor couples who've been married 50 and 60 years, the healthiest ones, the ones who have a marriage that you really want to emulate, they've been best friends. And you think, well, why can't you just be best friends and not be married? Well, there's so much more to it than that. Within that covenant of marriage, within that commitment of marriage, there is a security that that brings. I want you to kind of think about it in terms of your relationship with your children, for instance. What if your children, if those of you who have children, this will probably make more sense, but what if for your children, They felt like at any point they could lose your love and lose their place in the family. Like, well, if I don't get good grades, dad's going to kick me out of the house. Or, you know, I'm not really good at baseball. My dad coaches me. I'm not really good, but I think he might trade me in for some other little boy that's better at baseball because it's something that's important to my dad. If our kids lived with that kind of unsteady view of love and their place within the family and our love for them, man, there would never be any security in the family. And yet a lot of couples live with that kind of insecurity with each other. Like, you know, my husband is, you know, he's attracted to this other lady and he might think she's cuter than me. So he might just trade me in for her or, you know, my my wife, you know, she that guy down there makes more money and, you know, he pays attention to her and maybe she would be willing to trade me in for him or leave me all together just because she'd rather be alone than be with me. And if we're living in a situation where we feel like at any moment we could lose the love and the standing we have with someone, we're never going to experience the stability and the security. The only foundation that love and family can really be built on is that rock solid commitment and covenant of marriage that God intended. And so many couples never experience that because they kind of have one foot out the door, one foot in, they have an exit plan just in case. They're never really fully invested. And so they never even know what they're missing.

Right.

Because the world's definition of marriage is so temporary, it's not the covenant that God intended. It says, no matter what, we're gonna stick it out. The word divorce is not even in our vocabulary. That's never even gonna enter into the conversation. And until we get to that place of full commitment and covenant, then we're not experiencing marriage the way it was intended to be. It really is maybe just that piece of paper that the government issued you. But God wants it to be so much more. If we'll re-grasp that sacredness, that rock solid commitment in marriage, it brings so much peace. It brings so much joy. It allows you and your spouse to really, truly get vulnerable with each other because you're gonna stop covering over your imperfections that you're afraid if they see this, they'll leave me. And you're gonna be naked, which is why we call this the Naked Podcast, which is why our book is called the Naked Marriage, which, you know, dives into detail of a lot of our own story. that God created that first couple naked and unashamed. That means not only physically naked, referring to the sexual intimacy in marriage, which is awesome. Thank you, Lord, for creating that. But it's the emotional nakedness, the spiritual nakedness. It says, I've seen the worst parts of you and you've seen the worst parts of me, and we love each other completely. It's the kind of love God has for us that he calls us to have for each other. That's not conditional, it's not temporary, it's not just based on feelings that come and go. But it's rooted in commitment. And that is where marriage thrives. And without that, we're just shacking up with somebody. We're just dating and we're missing out on what real love could be.

It's so true. And speaking of real love, you know, there's a verse that talks about real love casting out fear. And I think that when we don't have the security that comes with the covenant of marriage, we will have a relationship where fear is very present because you do have that insecurity, you know, that fear of, What if somebody else who's prettier comes along? Or what if somebody else who's more interesting comes along?

There's nobody prettier, let me tell you right now.

Nobody more handsome. But we shouldn't have that fear between us. And life is hard enough. Life itself comes with a little bit of fear, and it brings us to our knees to go to the rock solid love of Jesus himself. And so when it comes to our marriage, when we have that covenant, we're not living in fear. We're knowing that we have committed to one another. that we've built our marriage on a foundation of being in the Lord together. And there's something so beautiful that comes out of that. It doesn't mean it's perfect. It doesn't mean it's always easy. It doesn't mean there aren't hard times because, you know, like we've shared on this podcast over and over again, God's brought us through a lot of really hard times, you know? But what's so cool when you have this covenant, when you have this commitment to each other, is that you have said, no matter what, we're going to work through those hard times. We're going to get through them together. We're going to do the hard work. to get through all of this together. We're going to believe that God has something good for us, even when things look really hard right now. And you know, when it comes to having children too, it's great for kids to see two parents who have committed their lives to each other. And there's a lot of security that comes from that for your children.

Yes, there absolutely is. You know, we've got friends who are our age, whose parents a generation ahead are getting divorced because we're seeing an epidemic of this with older couples that kind of made their whole focus just we're just co-partners and raising kids. And then, you know, the kids grew up, get out of the house and the marriage just continues to deteriorate because they realize we were never really committed to each other as best friends, lovers in the covenant. We were just committed to the arrangement of raising kids together.

Business partners.

Yeah, marriage is so much more than that. So you've got to like what Ashley said, model the kind of marriage that makes your kids want to get married and it creates such generational security and stability When we do that. So there's no real love without real commitment. A couple other just practical reasons why marriage matters, some of the benefits is it makes you healthier. This is an actual, you know, a lot of scientific research. You can Google this, guys. We don't make this stuff up.

And these are like secular research. I mean, this isn't, you know, I mean, this is something over and over again that's been studied. And they say that people who are married are healthier and often live longer. It is amazing. Amazing benefits.

Healthier and live longer.

And that's why you also see in the same way, and I'm not trying to get morbid here, but you often see spouses who've been married like 50 and 60 years often die very close to each other. And it's like, that was like that thing that kept them going. You know, it's their best friend, their, their partner in life, the love of their life. And it's, it, you know, it kept them going strong. And then you see one pass away and then the other soon follows because it is this, this, just kind of gives that spark, that breath of fresh.

Air to our lives. I would say that Nicholas sparks because like, when I saw that notebook, that.

Last scene, they're holding hands. It's like, It breaks my heart every time. I was gonna cry.

It is though, it's really sweet. It is real life, you know, that two hearts are so closely bound together and that is, there's something very beautiful about that for us individually, for our families, but also for broader society. Every healthy civil society in the course of human history has valued marriage. It is one of the most kind of universal principles across societies. You can, you know, study sociology, anthropology, and, and you'll see that it's just like, this is something God put within us. Right. And, and when we disregard it, a lot of people get hurt as a result, and Society gets hurt as a result.

Oh, yeah. I mean, there's tons of studies on that. I mean, you could just, like you said, just have a history class. Like we talked about before, it also provides a lot of security, you know? And again, you know, in relationships, we don't need ultimatums. We don't need threats, we don't need fear. You know, we need the security of knowing we have both committed to this, knowing that we're both imperfect people, but that we serve a perfect God, that we've committed to one another, and we're willing to do the hard work to.

Fight for each other. Yes, that's so true. And another one is that it really mirrors our relationship with God. God is pro-marriage. When you look at the Bible from beginning to end, it starts with a marriage, Adam and Eve. Then you fast forward, Jesus' ministry started at a wedding. Wedding? That's kind of like what it not-- Turning water into wine. That's right. It began at a wedding. And the Bible ends with a wedding celebration, the wedding feast of the Lamb, because we as the church, his followers, are called the bride of Christ. And so marriage is the one earthly relationship that gives us a glimpse of that heavenly, eternal intimacy that God desires to have with us that's available to all people once they put their faith and hope in Jesus Christ as their savior and are adopted into God's family. You know, sins are forgiven and they're made new and they're part of God's family. Their spiritual DNA has has changed. And once we're in heaven, it's like it's this eternal marriage, not individually, like one person to another, but it's this eternal marriage that we as the bride, Jesus is the groom, and it's going to be just a beautiful thing. So weddings and marriages on earth, really, really, they just kind of mirror the divine. They give us that glimpse of what the relationship God wants to have with us.

They do. And in the same way, they really unite a community, you know? When you think about some of those like just milestone moments in life, weddings are a big part of that. They're the one thing that bring people together. It's like weddings and funerals. I mean, again, I'm sounding very morbid here, but they're big life milestones. I mean, they're big moments in life where communities, families come together and celebrate and say, we're gonna take a moment out of our day and we're gonna celebrate the unity that's happening here. It's to becoming one. It's something worth celebrating. and I love it. I mean, every time it's like, you know, we live far away from our family. And so whenever there is a wedding, I mean, it's just that much more joyful for us because we get to celebrate the couple getting married, but we.

Also get to see our loved ones.

It's so true.

I can't wait for our boys to get. I know. I love it. And, you know, I think maybe one final one is that it just makes love make sense. You know, without marriage being kind of the culmination of love, then really we're missing out, you know, we're just chasing after feelings. We're just kind of like, just playing the field and even if we're living with someone and feel like that there's commitment and there's real love, it isn't what it could be. A perfect covenant. Why not make the covenant? Yeah, you know. And it's not just a piece of paper, you know, I mean, and it, and that begins with a foundation of putting your faith in God and just opening up your heart and your life to realize that there's more, there's more than just you. And I know, you know, a lot of folks who listen to this who don't share our faith, you're not Christians. And first off, we're glad you're here, you know, whatever your faith background, even if you have none at all, We are glad that you're here. We're honored that you're listening. And we hope that the principles we share are encouraging you and helping you in your marriage. But at the same time, we can't take credit for any of these principles. Like all of these principles we share are straight from God's word. It is the marriage book. It is the Bible. It is the marriage book. You know, we always recommend the Naked Marriage as a marriage book to read and I help you buy it and read it. But the marriage book, the book on life that has shaped everything that we do is God's word, the Bible. and it has the answers. And it's not just a book, you know, it's pointing us toward a relationship with God. God wants to have a relationship with you. And once we begin that relationship, you know, every part of this life makes more sense. And our future has a new destination. And once we have that foundation of faith, then I think it really sets us up to be the kind of spouse that we're meant to be. And it just It brings everything together. It's always gonna be hard work.

Right.

Even the best couples will tell you it takes a lot of work. You see somebody at the gym who's really fit and has abs, and they don't do what I did this morning, which is eat a couple donuts to celebrate our producer, Brittany Wilcox's birthday. Happy birthday, Brittany. Happy birthday, Brittany. They probably don't eat those donuts and are doing sit-ups. I don't like sit-ups and I like donuts, which is why I have love handles. And it's like, it just kind of shows. So marriage, if you look at somebody with an amazing marriage, that didn't happen by accident.

No.

They worked at it, not in a gym, not by avoiding sweets, but they worked at it with their time, their commitment, their love, and it just takes work. And we believe this myth in our society that if you're with the right person, it takes no work, and it just feels like a Disney movie all the time. And it takes effort.

It does. A lot of effort. A lot of time, and a lot of patience, and a lot of recalibrating, a lot of monitoring and adjusting. and, you know, I love, I think there's the saying, like anything worth having is worth working hard for. And that definitely stands true in marriage. You know, even the hard times, like I always share, even when I talk about, you know, I have a whole episode on my, my four year long battle with anxiety and depression. It's not something I'd necessarily want to go through again because it was horrible and gut-wrenching and hard. But what, what I learned about Dave, what I learned about our marriage and, and how I grew in my faith during that time is something that I treasure. because we worked through it and it showed me how amazing our God is, but also how strong we can be. And when you can look through those moments that are just so hard, like maybe you're listening to this today and you're like, gosh, you guys sound really happy. Marriage just must be easy for you and good for you guys. And I know when we're going through hard times, that's how it feels. We're like, everybody else is way easier.

But I want to tell you, everybody's.

Instagram pictures are perfect. Look how happy they are. Exactly. Exactly. And the thing about it is we can't base our relationship off other people's highlight reels or the few little windows that they show you online, because those are just the happy moments. But the truth is there's so much work that goes into marriage and we have to have the grit to keep on getting through it, to keep on having the hard conversations, keeping the layers from covering up our heart, so to speak. You know, it's so easy to grow hard-hearted. It's so easy to want to kind of have weapons ready to go whenever you think your spouse is going to hurt you, you're ready because you don't want to allow them in because maybe there's been a hard moment in your marriage and you don't trust them at the moment. But the truth is, when you both commit to fighting for each other and not against each other, and you surrender your marriage to God and say, God, I know that my spouse did something to break my trust, but I know that I'm not perfect too. Not that I necessarily cause this, but I know that there's frailties that I have. When you both come to the Lord and you say, Lord, Help us. We surrender our marriage to you. He will do the miraculous. He will. He will. And it's worth doing that. It's worth bringing it to his feet. It's worth going to the counselor. It's worth reading the Bible, doing things differently, listening to people maybe you never leaned into before because you're like, I don't know about those people. But then you're like, wait a minute, they've been married a really long time. And I might need to listen to what they have to tell me because there's something there that's different from us. But I want to listen and maybe I will read my Bible now because God himself created marriage. He created sex. He created families. So maybe I should listen to the Creator himself. You know, when we do things differently and we start really fighting for each other, it's amazing to see how you will see what marriage is truly about. Because it's in the hard times when you really see what it's about. And you really, your commitment is really tested. But it's so beautiful when you choose to stay committed, to work through it. And on the other side of that, guys, it's beautiful. You know, years ago, Dave did a sermon and he talked about how Beautiful things come out of ugly dirt. And let me tell you, you know, when you think about a flower that's planted, a seed, a seed that's planted in the ground, you know, for a long time, it's just dirt. And for a long time, it might be this little green thing that doesn't look like much, but one day it blooms. And I'm telling you, those hard times, it's, you know, all the stuff that makes your marriage bloom is happening underneath.

It's that thing you can't see, but one day you will reap the benefits of it and you will be so glad you stayed committed. Man, that is good stuff. And guys, it is so worth it. Fight through that struggle. Every marriage that has made it a long time, they haven't just not had struggles, but they've chosen in advance that.

They'Re not going to give up when the struggles come.

And they find ways to have fun. They have fun. Marriage is fun, guys. It is fun. And when you come through those struggles together on the other side as best friends hand in hand side by side with so much to celebrate, even if you're battle weary, you know, you, you can have such joy as a couple if you don't give up. And so keep keep fighting together, keep fighting for each other and not against each other, and keep lifting up the sacredness and the value of marriage for yourself and for generations to come. All right, we're going to transition into our weekly q a. We love the q a. We love the questions you send us. You guys send us questions on our Facebook marriage page, on Instagram@davenashleywillis and the questions, though, that we answer specifically on the podcast are the ones sent into nakedmarriagemodcast.com. so thank you for those who have sent in questions. And here is this week's question. I've been with my husband for a year, only married a few months. Not our first marriage, but our last. I love him with all my heart. He is older than me, but his sex drive is, well, always. I want to please him, but have a difficult time relaxing and letting go. My previous marriage, my spouse never wanted me. Now I have this wonderful man, but I'm even anxious when I go to bed. How can I be the wife he needs me to be? if I can't get out of my brain to relax. And so thank you for that question. Thank you for I love the honesty and the questions.

Yes.

Because this is real life. You know, she's saying, I want I want to have a great sex life. I love that my husband desires me and it sounds like he really does. But I don't know that I can keep up or I feel tense and I want to I want to let myself go. And how do I how do I relax? Sweetie, why don't you start the conversation?

No, and I'm so glad she asked this because I do think a lot of women have this same issue where, you know, as women, we've talked a lot about about this on our different topics about sex on the podcast. But with women, you know, sex really starts in our minds. And if we feel like we have this ongoing list or we have anxiety or some kind of worry or fear going on, it really kind of shuts our sex drive down. And it's kind of like a libido killer, so to speak. And so I totally get where she's coming from on this. And I would say, you know, it'd be good if you could, and this doesn't sound very sexy, but when you can kind of put it on the calendar, know it's coming up and just get excited about it, like turn that anxiety into excitement. It can really change things. And for some, it means like buy some new sexy lingerie. Sometimes that can be the thing that gets you excited. And believe me, your husband will be very excited. Maybe if you listen to music that calms you down, music can be very calming. Maybe set the tone, light some candles, take a bath. I'm telling you, people underestimate the power.

Of a nice bath. When you had a bath.

I'm a bath girl.

Yeah, when you've had a bath, like there's, I can just tell you, I'll.

Be like, I need a bath.

Yeah. And you'll come out of that, you know, and you just, you feel good, you feel relaxed. I do, I do. you know, it's- and you're already naked. You're already naked. You know, good things are more likely to happen.

They are. You're clean and you're naked. I mean, it's like ready to go. Yeah. No, but, you know, and I know I get where she's- she's saying, you know, before she, you know, is coming from a background where her husband before, it was totally different where he would not be ready. You know, he wouldn't tell her that he wanted to make love. And now she has this husband who wants her and she's so excited that he wants her, but there's this anxiety. And so I think part of it is overcoming that as well. I don't know from the question itself, you know, how far or how deep, so to speak, is this this anxiety really is. And if it's an actual anxiety issue, I highly encourage you to go see a counselor, a Christian counselor. As I mentioned before in this podcast, I dealt with anxiety for a long time and definitely it affected my sex drive. And no matter what is bringing on the anxiety, it's something where sometimes our, our, our levels, it can affect our hormonal levels and that's why it does affect our sex drive. So I'm not sure if that's You know, the real heart of the issue, but it might be worth talking to a Christian marriage counselor and or even just an individual counselor and saying like, you know, what are those thoughts in my mind that tend to bring on this anxiety? Because a counselor could help you train yourself to replace these these thoughts that kind of trigger the anxiety when it comes to sex and replace them with truth and kind of have a new narrative going on in your mind when it comes to this. Because that's really what it is, is we've got to get, you know, different thoughts going in our mind, especially if we have anxiety when it comes to sex. then we have to think new thoughts. We have to start thinking like, I'm so excited to be with my husband in this way. I know that I'm going to make him happy, but he's also going to make me happy. I want to experience this with him and get excited about it. I think it's just shifting the anxiety to excitement.

Man, that's good stuff. That is good stuff. So basically we're going to leave here. You're going to take a bath. Thank you for this question. And I think just, I can't add anything to the brilliance that Ashley actually just assistant: just put. So I hope that that is helpful to you. And just do those things and continue to communicate with your husband about these things.

Oh, definitely.

And continue to access the resources we have out there to kind of help spark those conversations, including our Naked Marriage book, episodes of this podcast, and other resources available at marriagetoday.com so guys, thank you so much for subscribing, leaving reviews, letting us know what topics you want to hear So please continue to do those things. Send in your reviews, send in ideas for topics, send in questions@NakedMarriagePodcast.com, or find Dave and Ashley Willis on Instagram, Facebook, wherever on social media you happen to be. We would love to interact with you there. Happy birthday to our producer, Brittany Wilcox. Happy birthday, Brittany. Special thanks to Chris Detson, our audio.

Engineer, and Brandon, our editor, and the whole team at Marriage Today for making the magic happen. We love being a part of this team.

See you guys next time.