I'm Starting To Resent My Spouse // Hump Day Q&A

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You know what time it is sweetie?

It's Hump day. Q and A time. Hump day Q and A. Hump day Q and A. Welcome to the Naked Marriage Podcast. Hump Day Q and A. We love answering your questions, so every Wednesday we're dropping a special podcast episode focused on one of your questions. You can submit your own marriage related question online@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or or by sending us a message on Instagram. Aveandashleywillis We've got a great question today, so let's dive in. I resent my husband. He always denies me intimacy and sex. For years he has done this to me, then pressured me to have a baby. He even lost interest during sex when I told him I wanted to wait to have a baby. Then when I conceived, he didn't touch me the entire pregnancy. He's military, so I had no family or friends near me to support me. Our child is three and I want more children, but I do not trust him with me anymore. I do not want to have any more of his children. I just don't trust him even when things are okay. That still haunts me. He hasn't done anything to make me feel comfortable about it, which further pushes the issue. I know if I get pregnant by him again, he will do the same to me. I don't know what to do or how to get past this deep resentment. And you know, my heart breaks. Like as I'm reading this, my heart is breaking for this wife because I can tell that she's so conflicted and she's so hurt. And so whoever wrote this, if you're listening, I mean, just know that our hearts are breaking with you and we realize this is not, you know, when we give answers to these questions, it's not. We're not giving easy answers. We know that this is a process and it takes two people in a marriage for sure. And so, you know, I just want to own the fact that it is a little complicated and it's a heartbreaking place to be.

It really, really is. And, you know, without knowing the specifics of your. You know, of him and you and your story, but just trying to answer this as best we can on a broader scale of. In this situation, here's what I'd look at. What we found in the work that we do is that when there is a lack of sex and trust and intimacy in marriage, there's usually some specific reasons why. Part of that, it seems, it sounds to me like with both the trust issue that you mentioned and the sex issue, and both of those are often tied to some secrets that have not been fully confessed. And that means anything in his life that he has done or maybe is doing, whether it's being caught up in pornography, being caught up in a sexual affair, having dealt with past sexual abuse that has kind of rewired his thinking about sex that he has not confessed to you and talked about with you. But we call this the Naked Marriage podcast. Our book is called the Naked Marriage. It's not, of course, just about sex and physical nakedness, but that nakedness is a picture of having no secrets from each other. That's the only way intimacy can live. And I would say you've got to start by just putting it all out there on the table. Everything you're feeling, you need to tell him everything that he is. Maybe not everything he's feeling, maybe everything he's hiding, he needs to share. I was on a phone call with a friend right before I walked in here today, and he was kind of catching me up on this story that was sort of like this in his marriage, he and his wife and who I've been friends with for a long time, he said they've been in kind of a dry spell, and a lot of it was him. He said, I felt like she was maybe pulling away, and I didn't know what was going on with her. But with him, he'd been harboring this secret for about 10 years that he finally just felt convicted that he had to confess this. And so his secret was during a really low point in their marriage, about a decade before, when they were basically newlyweds, he went to a massage parlor. And in a moment of weakness, you know, I guess it turned out to be kind of like a shady massage parlor. And he had a happy ending massage. You know, essentially he didn't have sex with this person. But, you know, you know, without getting too graphic, there was. There was sexual release. It was essentially an act of prostitution. And he had kind of carried this shame. And the secret of that for 10 years and allowed it to kind of separate him from God, separate him from his wife. And when he finally got to the place where he could confess that, not sure how she would respond, not sure if she would leave him, but he's just like, there can't be any secrets. I've got to get this out there. It really began the process of healing and allowed her to confess that there had been a period where she'd essentially had an emotional affair with someone that never got physical or sexual, but that she'd had these clearly out of bounds feelings and interactions with someone. And so when both of them got their. Their junk out there, so to speak, it put them on this path of healing. And he said, you know, they weren't comfortable conversations. He said, but now fast forward a little bit of time later and he said, we've never been closer. And then he specifically said, our sex life has never been better because there was always this kind of cloud hanging overhead where these secrets had robbed us of that intimacy. But now there's such freedom in the bedroom and there's such connection. So I don't know what your husband's going through, what he's hiding. It's clearly out of bounds the way he's treating you. It's clearly wrong. And I hate what you're going through. It's heartbreaking to hear stories like this and this is not your fault. But at the same time, you know, I feel like you don't have all the information you need to get from him. You know, what, what is it that you're not telling me? Because this doesn't add up and this isn't a marriage and we've got to move forward. I think a professional Christian marriage counselor could be part of the solution. Or our coaches here at Marriage Today who specialize in helping couples who are in crisis. You can find out more about them@marriagetoday.com coaches. But I've talked way too long about this.

No, it's, I mean, so good, sweetie. And just to add to that, I know there's this element of he wants to have a baby with her, but then when she gets pregnant, he refuses to have sex with her. And as I was reading that, I thought that is definitely there's an underlying issue there. Like there's something that he's not telling you that is a deep wound inside of him. Not inflicted by you, but just from a past. There's something that is unresolved. And that to me, I mean, just as just reading that and then the work that we've done with marriages. I can tell you with certainty that there's something that he needs to heal from with that. And unfortunately, you're the one who's kind of paying for it, you know, but it's something that the two of you have definitely. I would definitely seek out a Christian marriage counselor, and I would encourage him to go by himself and just, you know, when you tell him. And I can tell she has talked to him some, because that's why she feels so distrusting. Cause I think when she's talking to him, she's getting, like, a brick wall. But I would tell him, you know, and say, like, listen, the longing you have to have a baby with me, to have another child, you know, in the same way, I feel that longing to connect with you. And then knowing that when I get pregnant, you completely deny me sexually. So I'm doing the very thing you want me to do, and God's blessing us in that way. And then you completely cut me off sexually. And it is heartbreaking. And there's something really wrong with that because you're completely cutting me off with intimacy. And so I definitely would just encourage you. Even if he won't go to counseling yet, I encourage you to go see a counselor, because I think that this has caused a lot of brokenness in you because you are just. Again, you're getting this brick wall. You don't know why your husband is not wanting to connect with you through this. And so it has been very heartbreaking to you. But I want you to know that we are praying for you, and we are praying for your husband, and. And we just hope that you both reach out and get the help that you need. And we appreciate you writing this question.

Yes, get the help that you need. There are organizations specifically to help military couples and the very unique challenges that our warriors face. Absolutely. So both as the spouse of a military member or military members yourself, first off, thank you for your service, but don't become a statistic, you know, fight for your marriage. The American warriors association, which you can find more about@americanwarriorsassociation.org has a lot of great resources. And then as do we at marriage today. Marriagetoday.com and so if you were struggling with a sexless marriage, you know, denying a spouse sexually is a really. It's an intimate form of pain and even. Even betrayal on some levels. And we have a lot of resources to kind of help help you navigate that. Right. And then ultimately, like Ashley said, counseling is usually part of. Part of that equation. So thank you for that, that question. We're praying for you, praying that God would guide your steps and your conversations as you tell your husband everything that needs to be said. And then insist on saying, we can't live like this.

Right?

So I insist that we take action through counseling or through whatever those next steps need to be, because you don't need to, you don't need to settle for, for living with, with that kind of dynamic.

Thank you all so much for listening to today's episode of Hump Day Q and A. We love getting your questions, and we want to answer your question. So if you go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com you can submit your question right there. Or you can follow us on Instagram Avanashley Willis. And you can give us your questions right there by giving us a dm. So we'll catch you next time on Hump Day Q and A.