I've Lost Myself in our Marriage // Hump Day Q&A

Foreign. You know what time it is, sweetie?

It's Hump day Q and A time.

Hump Day Q and A. Hump Day Q and A. Welcome to the Naked Marriage Podcast. Hump Day Q and A. We love answering your questions. So every Wednesday we're dropping a special podcast episode focused on one of your questions. You can submit your own marriage related question online@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or by sending us a message on Instagram. Aveandashleywillis. We've got a great question today, so let's dive in.

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Hey there and welcome back to another Hump day Q and A with Dave and Ashley Willis. We're so excited that you chose to join us today and we have a really good question for you. It is this. It says, I feel like I've lost my sense of self within our marriage and it's causing resentment and distance. How can we both support each other in rediscovering our individual purposes while staying committed to our shared life? I think it's a really good question that so many can relate to.

Yeah, that is really, really good and thoughtful. And I think that, you know, it's very honest and that most people at different stages of their marriage might get there even if you're not married. I think that sometimes we get that to that place where I've lost my sense of self. You know, I've just, I've lost myself in work or other endeavors and need to get back in touch with, you know, who God made me to be and especially within marriage. And so great question. Thank you for submitting it. Before we dive in, I just want to remind you, you can submit questions go to. Our Instagram page is the easiest place to do that. We're at Dave and Ashley Willis on Instagram and we would love to hear from you there. We're also going to start doing live call ins. So Hump day Q and A soon will not just be us reading a question and answering it, but actually talking about with you about your question.

That's Right.

You can be on the Naked Marriage podcast. Yeah, it's going to be a lot of fun. We've recorded the first one of those already, and it was amazing. I can't wait to record more. I'm so excited about this. But coming back to this question, you feel like I've lost my sense of self.

You know what's really interesting, as you guys know, I'm doing mental health and marriage coaching now, and I was actually having kind of addressing this in a session recently with a couple and one of the spouses. You know, I just feel like a lot of our marriage, I. You know, in the way that. That my spouse feels like our marriage should be, I don't feel like some of the things that my spouse expects is authentic to myself. And I think part of the issue is this person feels lost in this. Like, I don't. Like, I don't even feel like I can be authentic in the way that I embrace my spouse and the way that I serve my spouse. And so we talked about, well, why don't you think about. And even write down? Cause there's power in writing our thoughts down. Cause it really. It just helps us to process. And I challenged this person. I said, you know, one of your assigned assignments this week is, what are some ways, like, I know different things my spouse has asked me for as far as their needs and their desires. What are some ways that I can serve my spouse in that way and still be authentic to myself and still be able to feel like I'm an individual.

That.

But also, I'm pursuing unity in my marriage, not uniformity. And I could tell when I was talking about this, there was a little bit of a light bulb moment, like, oh, well, I didn't even know that could be possible, you know, because this person did have a lot of resentment. They really did have a lot of resentment towards their spouse, even though their spouse was simply just giving their need, like, was sharing their needs and. And then was giving ideas and how these needs could be met. And then the other spouse was like, well, what if I don't want to fulfill it in that way? Cause that doesn't feel authentic to. And. And I think that's a valid point. I think we have to be able. You know, there's this. There's this disconnect and this dissonance we feel that can turn into resentment when we don't feel like we're in alignment with who God made us to be. And so how we're going to find that is by thinking about it. But also really praying about it and asking God to reveal those things to you and help you reconnect with who God made you to be. And then taking it a step further and talking about it with your spouse.

Yeah, that's so good. And kind of some key words that Ashley just said that you should hone in on are unity and uniformity.

Yeah.

And there's a huge difference. Unity is so vital in marriage. And that's the. That's the principle that says we're going to. We're going to be united in all the. The things that matter most, our values, the big decisions, our commitment to one another. Like, those things are non negotiables. But uniformity is where you feel like you both have to lose your own identity completely in the process. Because we have to think exactly the same. We have to be 100% in sync.

Like just do everything the same.

Yeah. Two clones of each other, you know, like conjoined twins or something. And that's not God's vision for oneness in marriage. God's vision for oneness in marriage is two distinct, unique individuals come together without ever trying to change each other, but based on the way they love each other and serve each other, they do bring out the best in each other. Your spouse should help bring out the best version of you. So in that way, you're actually becoming more of yourself within a healthy marriage. And you're doing the same for them, both of you, as you're growing in your relationship with God, who is our first and foremost relationship in our lives. And so that's how it should look. And if you feel like you've lost that some way, I take a step back. Don't start by blaming. Don't start by saying, like, you've robbed me of myself. Don't do that. But instead, go to the Lord first. I feel like we take those identity issues, we always go to Jesus first. He's the one who made us. He's the one who loves us. He's the One who makes us whole and complete. And to say, lord, you know, help me to reclaim my identity in you, first and foremost, so that I can be the husband or wife that I'm meant to be. And then once I have a clearer vision of what that looks like within my marriage, help me to live that out. Not in a selfish way, but also, you know, not in a way where I'm just a doormat either, where I'm willing to stand up for what I think is the right thing that's going to help me Be at my best. And I'm willing to ask my spouse for those things to say, listen, I feel like it would help me if you would watch the kids this one night of the week and I could go and reconnect with, you know, whatever hobby.

I love this hobby.

Yes.

That I haven't spent time with exactly.

Where it's not about. And to not be defensive when your spouse needs that. It's like, what, are we not meeting all of your needs? Or what, are you trying to escape us? No, it's not that. It's like I'm trying to go recharge in a unique way that's. That's. That helps restore my soul so that I can be at my best for you. And we should want to do that for each other.

That's so good, sweetie. I think some other questions to ponder are, am I looking to my spouse to fulfill needs that only God can fill? Like, for my identity, for my happiness, for my peace, for my wholeness? Like, am I going to my spouse to fulfill that? Because that'll certainly make you lose. Lose sight of who you are in Christ, and you're going to feel lost in that. Or on the flip side, is my spouse doing that to me? Do I feel like my spouse is looking to me to. To. To fulfill their identity, to fulfill their peace, to. To make them happy, to. To meet their every need. And I just feel overwhelmed by that. I would definitely ponder that. I also think, you know, it's important just to. To really think about, you know, when you first came together, those. Those two people that. That you were back then, but also to recognize that we're always changing. Like, we're not exactly the same people, but there are those core things inside of us. Those. Those desires, those talents, those gifts and things that. That bring us joy. Just. I mean, it could be. It could be a hobby. It could be something that. That you've lost sight of because of the busyness of life. And maybe you have resentment towards your spouse, but it's really not your spouse. It's just that you aren't making time for that. Like, I mean, I think we have to take ownership, too over. Well, let's look at my schedule. Am I just pouring out too much and never letting anything pour back into me? Because we can't pour out of an empty cup. I mean, you guys hear that all the time. I have a great resource I want to suggest for you that not only have Dave and I both gone through as part of becoming certified exo mediators, but also it's something that in my practice I recommend all the time because I know the power of this resource. And it's by the founder of EXO Marriage and our dear friend Jimmy Evans. And it's called the Goat of Marriage Ministry. And you guys, this book, I really do believe it was divinely inspired. It's called the 21 Day Inner Healing Journey. And you can get it@xomarriage.com or you can get it on Amazon, but I just would encourage you to do that. Take 21 days, go through it daily because it will take you through this journey to really figure out, like, what are the things that are hindering me from embracing my identity in Christ? Are there things that I'm holding onto that I haven't healed from? Are there things that are just holding me back in life? Is there resentment that I'm holding onto, that I just need to give, I need to take it to the cross. All these things. It really helps you embrace who you are in Christ and to heal. And so go get that 21 day inner healing journey. It's amazing.

Yeah, it really is.

By Jimmy Evans.

Yeah. And if you want to, you know, connect, we've mentioned EXO Marriage mediation a lot.

Yes.

But just to remind you of that, our ministry offers a really unique and powerful and practical healing process through our marriage mediators, which is somewhat like counseling and yet it's very unique and distinct from counseling at the same time. You'll meet all day either online or in person at the offices in Texas or from home online with one of the mediators. And over an eight hour period you will experience breakthrough as they're walking you through a very specific system. There's also a two day option if you feel like you need, you need that extra day. And so if your marriage just feels like it's stuck and you need a breakthrough, we have seen over and over again how the mediation process can provide that breakthrough. And so to learn more about that, go to xomarriagehelp.com that's xomarriage h e l p.com and you can get all the information about XO mediation. Or if you want just a lot of free resources, videos, articles, other podcasts, not only from us, but from the whole team at EXO. Again, our ministries website is xomarriage.com that's the letter X letter O marriage.com and check that out. Thank you guys for the questions you send. Again, feel free to write us on Instagram. We would love to hear your question. You might inspire a future episode so thank you guys so much for tuning in today on this Hump Day Q and A. And we look forward to seeing you next time on the Naked Nerds Podcast.

Thank you all so much for listening to today's episode of Hump Day Q and A. We love getting your questions and we want to answer your question. So if you go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com you can submit your question right there. Or you can follow us on Instagram avanashleywillis and you can give us your questions right there by giving us a dm. So we'll catch you next time on Hump Day Q and A.