Let's Talk Oral Sex

Hey, welcome into Walgreens. Hi there.

Hey.

All right, hon, I'll grab the gift wrap cards and, oh, those stuffed animals the girls want.

Great. And I'll grab the string lights and some.

How about I grab some cough drops?

This is not just a quick trip to Walgreens.

I'm fine, honey. Well, just in case. You know what they say, tis the season.

This is help staying healthy through the holidays. Walgreens.

Well, happy summer, Naked Marriage listeners. Or Naked Nation, as Dave likes to call you all. I know you guys are as excited about summer as we are, and we're doing something really special this summer and Dave's going to tell you all about it.

Yeah, we are doing a greatest hits. So Naked Marriage podcast has been around for five years now, which is hard to believe. And we have chosen, based on your feedback, 10 of the most popular episodes over the course of that five year run. Ten fan favorites. And so over the course of this summer, we're going to re release each one of those 10 starting today. And I hope you stick around all summer. Maybe you're going to hear these for the first time. Maybe it's going to be a re listen. But the thing about listening to something, even a few years after you first heard it, it'll speak to you in a different way. So I encourage you to stay tuned for every episode this summer. It's going to be a lot of fun. You can also stay connected to us this summer on Instagram. We're aveandashleywillis. And do us a favor and also subscribe to our YouTube channel, the Dave and Ashley Willis YouTube channel. We're in the process this summer of setting up a new home studio. And we're going to be doing a lot of fun shoots from right here at home, plus what we do at the XO headquarters as well. Guys, thanks for being part of the Naked Nation. We love you guys. Enjoy this very first episode of summer.

All right, guys, you may or may not know this, but all of us at the team, on the team at XO Marriage, we. We know what you're watching and listening to the most. And I just want to say you guys are a little naughty.

Naughty.

Naughty.

Yeah. Like tell them why they're naughty.

Because our most watched and listened to episode is all about oral sex. So it's true.

It's true.

Yeah, it is.

You guys made that one go viral. So. Viral. Viral. So we thought we would revisit the topic because you guys are clearly obsessed with it.

You guys were saying this all in jest. We're glad you're watching and listening to.

Oh, yeah, yeah, we're just teasing. We're just teasing. I mean, we're into learning about these topics today.

Yes.

But this is a topic. I'm actually glad that you guys are so interested in this because I think especially, I mean, we're Christians, you know, we come from a Christian background. In this podcast, we're trying to, trying to share biblical principles. And I think a lot of times in the church, Christians have kind of become prudes unnecessarily as it relates to a lot of things. And this issue of oral sex, people, they really, really start thinking, well, I don't know, is that even right? Are we even allowed to do that? And that's a part of we addressed a lot in that first episode is that God gave you an enormous amount of freedom in the bedroom. As long as nobody's getting hurt, as long as there's mutual consent and you're not bringing in some other person either physically or virtually. Through things like pornography, you guys just have a ton of freedom to celebrate each other's bodies and explore each other's bodies. And the book Song of Solomon in the Old Testament is just a celebration of married sex and exploring one another in many different ways. And so we believe that you just have a great amount of freedom and oral sex is certainly part of that. But we also know that not everybody loves it, not everybody wants it, not everybody likes it. We know that for some, its prevalence in pornography is the reason why they want to do it so much in the first place is because, you know, pornography focuses in on certain acts, you know, in oral sex, anal sex being among them, which has pushed forward the prevalence of people wanting those things. And you have to ask, well, do I want this just as a way to express my love and pleasure with my spouse, or am I being fueled by porn related fantasies? And trying to separate those things can be a little bit murky. And we just wanted to talk about all of it, continuing this conversation on this topic that clearly you guys want to talk more about.

Yes. And I just want to share a funny story. I'll never forget this. And you've probably forgotten this story. I was in a doctor's office and we listened to every single episode that we do here because we just want to make sure it all came together. And then I also, when I'm sharing it on social media, I can remember back to what I talked about in the episode and what Dave talked about in the episode. But I was in a doctor's office. And it was a new. I think it was like an eye doctor new one I'd never been to before. And I had been listening to the first oral sex episode that we did. So popular.

You are naughty.

But for some reason, I don't know what happened with my phone, but it went to speaker. It was right. It was right as I was like an oral sex. Blah, blah. Like, I started saying in this doctor's office, and I'm literally hitting, like, stop. And it keeps on going, and there's these children looking. People looking at me, and I'm like, oh, my gosh. You know? And so finally, I think I turned my phone off, but that's pretty funny. And it was blaring, too, because sometimes in the morning, I'll listen to podcasts and I'll put it just on speaker and I'll put it real loud because I'll go in the shower while I'm listening to it. So anyway, that was really embarrassing. So that's my memory of that first original episode.

That's oral sex. That's a great memory.

I know. I'm like that. So, yeah. Watch your volume settings before you go into doctor's offices, because your phone might. You might accidentally, like, hit it, not knowing and it blares through the office. So. Yeah, yeah.

Well, it's. For us, it's like with the stuff we talk about and we have filters on our computers and devices.

Yeah, yeah.

About blocking porn and stuff. There are great apps out there to help you do that sort of thing. But because of the stuff we talk about, our own stuff gets blocked a lot of times. Like, I'm sorry, you searched for oral sex and we have to block that. My God. Dang it.

I know.

So that's just kind of a funny side note of what we do. Coming back to the topic at hand, I think part of the reason. Okay, so the reason people have baggage related to this, and there are reasons that people love this so much. So, like, on the positive side, I think the reason why it's loved by many is because it's a beautiful and intimate way. And really, in a lot of ways, a selfless way to serve your spouse in a way sexually that's focused completely on their pleasure.

Right.

And. And in that sense, it's this beautiful act of saying, I'm deriving pleasure by giving you pleasure and by seeing how much pleasure you take in this. And because I love you so much, seeing you pleased, it brings me pleasure. And it's arousing and enjoyable for me as well. Whether it's done as an act of foreplay or it's the main event. And so I think, you know, it's obvious why that could be found as pleasurable. I think some of the reasons why people have issues with it is one, they have misunderstanding of what the Bible teaches. And so they've been taught that it's shameful or dirty or wrong or even sinful. I think sometimes, you know, regrets or wounds from the past with any, any type of regret, sexual sin or abuse that happened in the past can create its own kind of baggage. And sometimes that's tied to, to the act of oral sex. And then for some, you know, they, maybe they just have, you know, insecurity about their spouse seeing them in that way. I don't know. But there, there are lots of. And some people might just not like it in general. They're like, you know what? This, this isn't my thing. You know, I don't enjoy giving it or I don't enjoy receiving it. And that can really create some tension where one spouse loves receiving it and the other spouse just refuses to do that. And that can. Some people write us and they feel like that's a real sticking point in their marriage.

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And you know one thing with oral sex, we hear from all kinds of People is that for women in particular, you know, especially over this past year, I've heard from a lot of women that may have trouble climaxing during intercourse because it's just not as, you know, the active intercourse isn't as they're not getting aroused as easily. But when it comes to oral sex, they are because it's just more, you know, stimulating, I guess. And so for some women, that is the very act that helps them to actually have and experience a climax. And there's some women out there where they've never even considered that. And they, you know, there's a lot of women that have a hard time with intercourse alone. Experiencing.

Yeah. And there's no shame.

Very, very common.

Just hear us on that. Many, if not most women need additional clitoral stimulation to reach climax beyond just. Just intercourse. And that can happen through oral sex. That can happen through stimulation in other ways. But whatever it takes to help your lovely lady reach climax, guys be willing to do that. And ladies, be open to receiving that so that you can experience all of the fullness of pleasure God intended sex to have.

Exactly. And I think where I've heard also some other people having issue with this is where, you know, there's some that love oral sex so much that they forego other sexual acts. Like, they don't even want to entertain intercourse or any other kind of position or anything like that. And, you know, we've heard from people where that's the case, and they don't like that necessarily because. Because when it comes to intercourse, it can be mutually satisfactory. Because, you know, satisfactory and satisfying. I'm saying that kind of weird. It can be mutually.

That was satisfying.

Satisfying, yeah.

They love. And now she's like, that was satisfactory.

Or if I was like, thumbs up.

We're doing one called after sex about things to say and not to say after sex. And I'm going to put that was satisfactory on the list of things not to say. That was sufficient.

That was efficient. Thank you very much.

Three stars.

Yes. No. But it's like, I think that sometimes that becomes something where, you know, maybe you can get there faster. And people start like, maybe it's only oral sex. Like your spouse only wants that and then foregoes intercourse. Then that's a problem. Because I know, you know, I've heard from people where they're like, you know, I really do like oral sex, but I would like intercourse, too, because that's when we're actually close together and we.

Can face to face and connect.

We can both experience that connection that's usually the word they use is connection. And so I think that the bottom line here is just being open, but also with saying that we have to make sure that our spouse doesn't feel forced in any way. This is not something you force. No sexual act. We're not doing that.

It can never be forced.

It cannot be forced.

Either giving or receiving or coerced or.

Manipulatively convinced or whatever, just don't do that. It's something where you talk openly about it. But if they feel any kind of reservation, give them time and respect. Because, you know, your spouse is more important than any sexual act. I mean, you know, they're a person, they have your heart, and you want to make sure they know that. That you're not just using them to achieve some kind of climax or sexual experience. And so it's really important that we have these open conversations. And we're hoping that podcasts like these, you know, specifically can lead to those conversations, because we get it. Like, sex is something that, for most of us, especially if you grew up in a home where. And just in a culture may, you know, I think there's. It depends on kind of where you are in the world where it's just not talked about or it's very much frowned upon. Like, you know, it was like, you never. They would never maybe talk about sex, and heaven forbid they actually mentioned things like oral sex. Like, that would have been, like, earth shattering. I think that's where a lot of us came from. And so you've probably never even ever talked about it with anyone. You know, and what we don't want to happen is that we go and look in places like these magazines that aren't even catering to married people that are giving all kinds of different opinions that aren't gonna be helpful to you. And so, you know, we wanna be able to talk about this from a biblical standpoint and a marital standpoint, because that's, you know, that's. That's where we all are.

It is. And I know especially for Christians, you're like, well, I would like to. I would like to maybe do it, but I feel inadequate. Like, I don't know how to do it. Right.

Yeah.

And so. And I don't wanna, like, look at porn as a how to because of all the reasons why we talk about porn being bad. So you might think, I, I want to do it, but I'm not sure how to. How to do it. And so that insecurity has kind of helped me back, held me back. And with that, I Would say, like, all parts of marriage, communicate, like, help your spouse win. Like, tell them what feels great, Tell them what you like, what you don't like. There are. There are books out there even. I mean, I know that sounds wild. Like, there are books on this. And I was looking up the most popular sex books, one of the most popular books related to sex right now, and I have not read it. And this is not a Christian book, but I did read a lot of the reviews, and it's a book called she Comes First.

Okay.

And the entire book is about. From what I can tell. I don't know if there are pictures or anything. I haven't read it. But reading through all of the reviews, it's all about how to perform oral sex on a woman in ways that she will find most enjoyable. And it's. It got anatomical information. It's got technique information. And both men and women in the reviews were saying, like, this has been. I didn't know revolutionary. Women are like, I've learned things about my own body through this. Guys are like, you know, my wife is so thrilled that I read this book. She's never been happier. And so there are resources out there, and I can't even, like, recommend that again because I have not read it. But I'm just saying, just from a quick Amazon search, there's a lot out there. And don't let inadequacy hold you back from anything. But again, don't turn to the wrong places, like pornography, because that's not how to. That's all fiction and toxic. But learning each other's bodies, learning your own body, what you like, how you like to be touched, what you don't like, really talk through those things, and just that communication, that vulnerable, intimate communication, that alone is going to bring you closer together, 100%.

I feel like, you know, we always talk about how great sex doesn't start in the bedroom. It's really the conversations you have leading up to it. And the same goes for oral sex. So if that's something that you enjoy, that you already know you enjoy, and you just want it to be even more enjoyable, talk about it more. Talk about what would make it more enjoyable. If it's something that you're not really sure about, but maybe your spouse has expressed interest, go ahead and talk about that, too. Maybe, you know, if they haven't listened to this episode, have them listen to it and then talk about it. You know, there are solutions. And I think that if this is something that just even hearing the words oral sex, it just Brings up kind of these weird feelings that you don't know what to do with or it makes you feel kind of gross or sick. There might be some underlying things there where you need to have healing. And I'm not saying have healing just so that you can either have, you know, take oral sex or perform oral sex. I'm saying healing just for you and yourself.

Yeah, that's way more important.

Way more important because it's. There might be something that hasn't been dealt with, maybe something that was done to you or views on sex that just have been damaging to you. And I would just say there are Christian sex therapists out there that can be extremely helpful with this. And I know we've had a lot of people that have been referred to get that particular kind of help. And it can be revolutionary because again, if you're just so accustomed to pushing down feelings and to not talking about sex and just treading around this and it's all murky. When you have someone who is well versed in this area and is, is, is also coming from a Christian point of view and background, it, it really can be life changing and it can bring you and your spouse closer together. So definitely consider that as well.

So good. And our book that came out last year, the Counterfeit Climax, has so many resources specifically to help work through any sexual issue in your marriage and in particular, any of those baggage issues. So I'd recommend that resource. Before we close out, I want to give you two important tips as it relates to, to oral sex in particular. Number one, if, if this is something you desire to have performed on you. Hygiene. Right? Like, like if you want to make it as enjoyable as possible for your spouse, make sure you're clean. You know, just make sure you're just.

A good shower guy.

Yeah, yeah. It doesn't have to be anything fancy. Just, just, just clean. And along with clean, talk to each other about even grooming down there. Like, you know, what, like, like what, what are you seeing and what we've.

Been asked to do whole episodes.

What would you like to see? Like, do you, do you. I mean, in terms of like hair quantity and I mean, just.

I'm laughing because you're famous.

Do you want him manscaped? Do you not, like, do you.

But these are real things. There are professionals that can help you achieve.

Do you want her to get a Brazilian wax or do you like, you know, do you talk about those things?

Let me just say this really quick.

When I said, I said Brazilian wax, I don't think on this. I'm surprised I even know what that means.

I don't know how you can't. There's, like, whole stories that are devoted to this. But this is when I said, you can go to professionals. Hear me loud and clear. I'm talking about people who perform things like Brazilian waxes. Okay? But if that's something that is important to your spouse, maybe being willing for that to have that, or if they like it. El naturel. Just be clean. Just be clean. That's a very simple.

But as you're talking about, hey, I would like you to perform that, then be open to them saying, well, here's what would make that more enjoyable for me. And then really talk through those things. And then one other tip. And this is so important. Again, coming back to the. Don't pressure, don't force. But don't. Just don't. Don't push her head down there, guys. Like, don't.

Don't do that.

Don't do that. She's not gonna like that.

That's probably tmi, but that's porn driven. And that's why we're saying that, because we've heard from people where that's an actual thing.

I mean, yeah, this. This has to be.

This should not be violent, guys.

Like, this should be totally forced in any way given. It has to be given wholeheartedly and voluntarily. And if. If there's coercion of any kind or if it's feeling forced in that way, that's gonna.

It's just gonna not end well.

It's gonna take intimacy out of it. And it's. It's. Yeah, it's. It's gonna cause more wounds in your relationship than anything else. So, yes, there are two tips. Hygiene and don't force it.

That's right.

Hey, guys, thanks so much for tuning into this. Next couple weeks, we'll have even more on these topics related to sex in marriage. So thanks so much for tuning in. We'll see you next time. God bless.

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