Marriage After Divorce

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Hey, welcome back to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast, we Undress the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. Thanks for listening today, Ashley. We have got some great guests. And by the way, sweetie, you are looking just as beautiful as ever today. I'm going to have a hard time concentrating this episode, but tell these lovely listeners about these amazing guests we have today.

They are so awesome. Guys, you get, you are going to love this conversation. First and foremost, they are authors of a book called the Right Finding Love and Life After Divorce. Their names are Barbie and Richard Armenta. I'll tell you a little bit about Barbie. She is a trained freedom life coach. They live in the Dallas Fort Worth area. She specializes in helping women through major life transitions. She's a speaker and a writer. She hosts what what is called Brave conversations at a women's event called the Brave Gathering. And together they have a large blended family. Richard is a speaker, writer, and mentor, and he covers topics including overcoming addiction, divorce and dating after divorce. And he's also involved in if you want more information about them, which I know you will, you need to go to right combination.net and they're going to tell you all about blended families. So let's dive in.

Let's go.

Well, we are so excited to have Richard and Barbie here today. So thank you guys so much for being here.

Thank you so much for having us.

Absolutely. Thank you.

Such a fun conversation, you guys. You've got a book which we'll be talking about. And really so many different things we want to talk to you about in the short time that we have because you guys can speak to from your testimony, you can speak about, you know, issues of blended family. You can speak about coming together, you know, as a second and third marriage. But I think the most powerful aspect we can speak about for those who are listening, whether you're in your first marriage or maybe you're in a blended family situation, is the power of knowing that even if you might have had a broken past, you can have a future that's whole. And even if you might have had a past that was ungodly, you can have A present and a future that is godly. And this amazing couple is living that out. They are, they've carved a new path and are just moving forward in such healthy and beautiful ways through some of the brokenness of the past now bringing wholeness. And it really is inspiring. And so they share that in their book and they're going to share some of that with us today. So guys, we're just, like Ashley said, so excited that you're here. So tell us to start out, maybe just tell us a little bit about how you guys first met, where you were at that phase in your life and then how you came together.

Actually, we met online. It's like we, you know, we always, you know, when you're going to church, everybody says, oh, you guys need to meet somebody serving. So like, so, but so what? I put a post online. You know, actually I think my sister got tired of me hanging around the house. She's like, you need to find somebody.

Yeah, get out of here.

So there went and posted my profile online and, and it was that Yahoo Personals, I believe it was at that time. And so I put it out there and that's actually how we met. We actually met.

You're not going to tell them your tagline?

Oh yeah, the tagline for my Yahoo Personals was padlock looking for the right combination. Oh, nice.

How can you resist?

How can you resist that? And the combination's name was Barbie.

That's right.

You had the numbers, huh?

That's right, that's right. Exactly. Oh, that's right. So it was great. Go ahead.

So I was on a seven day free trial because I had been divorced for three years but kind of given up on the online dating. And so, but you know when someone messages you with that kind of tagline. So yeah, so that's how we met and had the best first date ever.

Seven day free trial with a bonus plan.

That's right.

That's so awesome. And I know you talk, you know, more in depth about this in your book, but tell us what dating looked like for you during that time because you know, we do have some people listening who are divorced, they want to remarry, but they're kind of scared to death because maybe they went through a terrible divorce. You know, they want to have a great marriage, but they've been so hurt. And the thought of dating, you know, after being married for a while is just terrifying to them. So how did you do things differently when you dated?

First of all, I mean, I think I really took time to find out Who I was personally, just who am I by myself, me and my daughter, you know, and just really getting comfortable in that area before I ever really felt comfortable reaching out to maybe somebody else. But I knew going into it, and you always hear that, you know, there's a cliche saying or say it's cliche, but it's, you know, the decision before the decision. So I knew going into the dating process that this is my decision.

Right.

This is how I'm living my life. You know, I know what I used to do in the past, you know, you know, which was hook up, do all these things, but this is a new me. This is a Saul to Paul thing for me.

Right.

You know, and so I knew going in, it's like, this is how I'm dating, you know, I'm not having the sex outside of marriage. And it's, it's. I'm going to, you know, try this new path to walk this new path that I've been showing. And for me, it was. That's it. I knew going into it, you know, this is, this is where I need to be. So. And for me, it was just learning, like I said, learning more about who I was and who I am, you know, to feel confident in that because Lord knows the world is telling you another style. And that's what I, you know, and I was just trying to hang on to what I had and just in which is Christ, and just walk this thing out.

Yes. And I know, you know, that, Richard, you came. This is a second marriage. You were coming out of the party scene. And for Barbie, this is your third marriage. And your second marriage was extremely verbally abusive. Can you tell us more about that and how it was leading to dating and approaching?

Yes. I had been married for 12 years and I had three boys by that point. So I just thought my parents been married for 50 something years and that's what I would do too. And I just realized that this was a person that was teaching my sons to be men and husbands. And so that's how I got the courage to finally leave. And then I was holding on to God for everything except for my dating life, you know, like, I had that figured out. And so when we met and he told me on the second date that he was not having sex outside of marriage, my first thought, that's so sweet. You know, that's what we think we want. Until you have to live it out and it gets difficult. And then all those insecurities I'd been feeling before, those all come back up and it's like everyone's saying, y' all are just friends. He's not that into you. And so I start to question, but I actually had a moment a few months in where I felt like God really asked me, who are you doing this for, me or him? And I had to surrender that, because the question is, if this doesn't work out, what are you going to do next time? And I thought it was too late for me. You know, when you've got three kids and two ex husbands, you know, who's thinking about purity. And I'm so grateful for Richard's leadership in this, but also for God bringing me to that place that I knew if he changed his mind, that I was solid and I was now doing it for God. And so that really changed everything for me.

Yeah, I remember in the couples that are going through this, they've been through. They're in a divorce, maybe about to go through divorce, whatever it might be, is the one thing. And I share this because you want to be enticed to do something different. I can remember so many times, you know, driving to my ex spouse house, dropping the coat off, and then going back to my apartment in the. Then shutting the door. And it would be so quiet, and I would be. And I'd just be sitting there thinking, I'm so lonely. And I would literally scream at the top of my lungs, I'm so lonely. You know, and so you want to be. So there's this innate part of you that just wants to get. Just end this and go, you know, go do what the world says. You don't have to be this lonely, you know, but the truth is, what we don't understand is that we're not alone, that Christ is with us. And so that's why I say, take your time to find out who you are. Because I, trust me, I know what it looks like to sit in an apartment by yourself, so quiet, so alone, when you're used to having a family running around, you, kids making noise, all that stuff that is, you know, that is that this innate thing in which I always say is we. We want to connect, that. Oh, that's our identity. No, as I had to find out, you know, the hard way, it's like, no, that's not my identity. That's who I was. I was married. I was a father, you know, still a father, but, you know, but these things that you have to understand that, like, no, this is just something that, you know, my identity is in Christ. So I know I can do this and walk this out.

I love that because I think too those times of loneliness, it's so easy to wanna compromise our values. You know, that's what I hear you saying, I think so many times. It's just cause we're lonely, just cause we're just craving that connection. We're craving, like you said, you're used to kind of a full life with people around you, and all of a sudden you're all alone. But I do think it is that time when you really can do some soul searching and say, lord, please make my heart pure. Help me to crave you more than anything else. Help me to connect to you more than anything else. Because the truth is, you know, there's this whole like the Jerry Maguire, you complete me thing that we all get in our minds. And the truth is no person can complete us. Only God can complete us. You know, that hole that we have is meant for God, not another person. And whether you, you know, you're married right now or you're on a second or third marriage, we can't put that on our spouse. We can't expect another person to fulfill what only God can in our lives. And I think it's so easy to compromise our values, you know, when we, when we do feel like we're trying to fit that person in that hole. But when we turn our eyes to God and we fully surrender our lives to him, that's where we feel the wholeness that only he can give us.

Yeah, man, that is so, so good. And you guys have done that and it really is inspiring to see. So fast forward your story a little bit, kind of through, through that dating journey. And then now as a married couple is a new family unit and trying to navigate that now as husband and wife, trying to do it God's way and trying to, you know, to co parent these kids and to create unity in the home. So what have been some of kind of the joys and the struggles that you faced as you went from dating to married?

I think for me, I had to figure out who I was in the relationship and by myself. Because I think we often bring our old patterns and things will leave one marriage and we just take that same thing into the next one. And so I was trying to take the time to do that. But whether you're already married or you're in the process, it's just that taking time to figure out who we are and being able to be vulnerable enough to be seen. And so that was what I needed to do in order to. Because I needed him to Be able to lead. And when you're a single mom and you're doing all the things, so learning to follow his lead and what he led out so well in Washington with the kids, because he showed them what, you know, a husband and a father should look like. And also then. And with Dakota, just him leading out and putting our relationship first above the kids. But there was a time when we very first got married. We came back from our honeymoon, and we're. He's sitting in the living room on the couch, my youngest son sitting on the Chase Lounge. And I walked in the room, and my son pats the seat next to him. And I'm looking at him, I'm looking at Richard, I'm like, I can squeeze on the Chase with Dawson or I can sit on the love seat with Richard. And I sat down with Richard and he looked over at Dawson and goes, that's right. There's a new sheriff in town.

That's good.

I love that.

But I think that's so good for your kids to see that, you know, And I know, and I'm sure you hear this from so many blended family couples. That is hard to do, to put the marriage first. You know, we talk a lot about that on the podcast, and it's God first, then your marriage, then your children than everyone else. And I think when it. Especially in blended families, they have such a hard time doing that because there's guilt involved. There's this ex spouse, and they're like, well, how are they doing? I don't want our kids to think that we don't value them as much as the ex spouse. And, you know, there's all these doubts, I think, that come in. How did you guys navigate that?

Yeah, I think just from. For me, from the very beginning, I used to, you know, I talked to my daughter very early on in that, you know, it's like, look, as I'm, you know, I'm starting to meet people, I'm starting to date.

Yeah.

You know, we talk about the way the marriage looks and the marriage looks, you know, God first, spouse second, kids, kids below that, you know, and. And I share it, you know, with her before. And it really started resonating her when we started dating. She's like, wait a second, you know, I'm going to be next. I'm going to be below, you know, so. So. But I think just having those conversations when you're going into the dating or when you actually, when you start meeting, some of you start dating, like, look, I think this is going to get Serious, I think you should probably have this conversation with my child.

Right.

You know, and hopefully you've been teaching that, teaching them that growing up. And it's just knowing your, for me, it's like having that spot, knowing your place, even going into, as a blended family, you have to understand that she has been the leader of her home as a single mom. I've been the leader of my home as the dad, you know, so when it comes to discipline, when it comes to these things, you know, I don't have to show I'm a strong willed man. I don't have to show these things. I can step back and say, you know, you, you, you go ahead and handle that, you know, that's the way it's been and that's what they're used to. And over time, that role can change. Over time, once you earn their respect, once you earn their trust, you know, because they've come from a broken place where they have felt abandoned so many ways.

Right.

That you kind of let that kind of take its course and then know. And I think that to me is a strength in a man to know, hey, I'm going to surrender back to the spot, you know, and then go ahead and let her kind of have this discipline spot for her, for the kids and then just show him. And then it's just other little things about when we first got married and just like doing devotionals together, reading in the morning, praying in the morning, all that. I never done that before. And it just felt kind of, can I say, being transparent, it felt kind of weak, you know, to me as a man. And that's like, why did that, now that I'm doing it, why did that feel so weak? It's strength, you know. And so then you started showing that from an early age. We'd meet in the morning on the couch, we'd read a devotional, we'd pray together. So.

Right. But it's changing that perspective. Like she was saying, old patterns, they die hard, you know, like, old patterns die hard, you know. And I think that a lot of people who have apprehension and maybe they're on their second or third marriage and they so bad want it to work, but they have this apprehension because they were so hurt in the past. How do you make sure this marriage is your last marriage and that this one's going to work? Like, how do you resolve to do that? Like, what are some things that have given you guys that strength and that resolve?

For me, it's just putting God at the center and just letting him Be the spiritual leader and knowing when to step back and, you know, doing things like the devotionals in the morning and just realizing that we're stronger together, and that often it's not. It's not him that I'm upset with. You know, it might be the situation, but just learning to do it differently. You know, listening to things like the things that y' all say on, you know, and being open to learning a new way.

Right.

I think that. That breaking the old patterns. It's because often we don't see it. Especially if you've been in a relationship that was bad, it's easy to blame that person and just say, well, that was bad because he was bad. But being willing to own, you know, your own role, and how can I not carry that into the next relationship?

You know, not putting what someone else did to you onto the next person on your spouse because, you know, someone else hurt you. But we carry that. We talk a lot about baggage on this podcast, and I think being very mindful of that is what I hear you saying.

Yes. Well, you know, Richard's very loud, which I love about him. He's loud, he laughs loud, and, you know, it's so much fun. But when he would first be loud when he first moved in, I would kind of react, you know, a little. I'd feel my body react, and I could see my kids react.

Because you're jarred by that. Yes.

And even when we think we're healed, we may not have been in that situation again yet. And it wasn't that he was angry or anything. It was just. He's just passionate about whatever.

Yeah.

And so it's just a process, I think, and being willing to communicate and walk through those things together and share with him, you know, look, I'm. I know it's not you, but I'm. I'm reacting to this, and I need to work through it.

It's communication that's so good, being honest about that. You know, Dave and I, we were doing a live video on our Facebook page yesterday, and I remember people were asking, how do you set boundaries with the ex spouses? Like, some healthy boundaries. How do you guys do that?

Yeah, Well, I kind of set that. I mean, from the beginning, for me, it's, you know, you just. For me, it was just being respectful to her and then just saying, knowing the things that she could and couldn't get involved in.

Right.

And it's just you have to do that early. Because I can remember, you know, Dakota picking up Dakota from her house, and she's like, well, Dakota's in trouble because of this. And so she can't have any tv. She can't have any of this. And then I'm like, wait a minute, it's my weekend, so she can't watch TV at my house. Yeah, it's like. So at first I was so confused. I thought, well, you're in trouble, you know, and then I. Then I realized after, you know, then I thought, wait a minute, that's your house. You have to understand. You have to. You know, there was a. There was a you, there was a me, and then there wasn't us. Well, there's no longer us. It's just you and it's me. And so I had to figure out that separation. And I can remember vividly having a conversation where she called to say, this is what's going on and on and on at their house. And she wanted to put Dakota on the phone so I could discipline her. And I said. I said, I'm sorry, I can't do that. I said, that's your home and I have my home. So you discipline what you do there, and I do what I do here. I can't commingle this stuff. I can't cross this over. It's too difficult, and it's too confusing for the kids.

Oh, wait, yeah, it's already a confusing situation for kids. And then that makes it even more so. So I think that is a good boundary. But I understand too, where that would be really messy at first, where you're trying to. Trying to navigate that. And so when. Once you've kind of broken free from, you know, from that, and you've kind of established boundaries moving forward, when you're bringing kind of both. Both your ways of doing things together. Because now it's not just. Just you as a single parent, you as a single parent, but you're coming together in this new home. Like, how. How do you navigate letting go of the old habits that. Because we all bring some baggage in and we all have, you know, we all have things that we've done wrong in past relationships. And how do you stay mindful of that so that you are trying to leave that part out of the. Of the, you know, the new marriage, while at the same time working together to figure out what's this new family going to look like and how do we navigate that with all of our dreams and personalities and baggage and everything else? What's that transition like and how. Because you've done it, obviously, in a very healthy way. And I think a lot of folks listening probably have questions about, what are your thoughts on that?

I think for me, it. You said, you know, in this new marriage, in this new life, me trying to hold on to old traditions, you know, whether it's the holidays or how. How we do things, and being open to how he does things and that that's okay for us to begin those new traditions together. And it's. For me, it was a lot of letting go, you know, and just being willing and open to even. We've been married now seven years, and this last Christmas, I finally was like, that's it. I'm just letting it go. And it was the best. Like, they all just showed up. And Because I was like, they're all getting married and things are changing and we're not going to have these same family traditions. And then when I let it go, Christmas night, all of them showed up at the house, and it was like, this is special time. And so I think it's being open to the new things that God wants to give instead of holding that death grip we can have on those old ways with a death grip. Maybe a little. Maybe it was mostly me. One of us had to let go of a lot.

That's huge. I mean, just recognizing that you need to let go and. Because it really is just that time together, like what you're describing, having your kids come and celebrate with you, especially when they're grown and they're being pulled in a lot of different directions. That's awesome.

Yeah. I think on what you were saying is, you know, for me, it was, you're in this new. You're in this new family, you're in this new transition, and things are happening that you're not used to having happen, plain and simple. You know, it's like. And for me, it was. I would get. Sometimes getting short with Barbie and get on her, and then I'd have to ask for forgiveness. Like, please forgive me and tell her, seriously, it's me. And that's old cliche. It's not you, it's me, you know? Right. But it was so true because I said, look, here's what's happening here. You are pulling me and you are stretching me in a way I have never been pulled and stretched before. I said, but in the end, you're making me a better me. And I just have to sit back and see that, you know, and that's. That for me, that's. That's such a big move for a new couple. Going into a new blended family is. Look, there's going to be situations that'll try you, test you, pull you, stretch you, but in the end, it's making you a better you, it's making you a better father, it's making you a better stepdad, it's making you a better husband. You know, and those are the things that we just have to sit back and realize, this is what's happening. Because we can jump on the cycle of emotions, and you take it anywhere.

You know, it's so true. Before we started this show, Barbie and I were having this awesome conversation, and she shared something about how she was feeling before you guys got married and after going through multiple divorces. Can you talk about that in Christmas time? I just loved your story about that. If you could share that with us.

I know exactly what you're talking about. This was my. This is my favorite thing because when I was going through my divorce, I felt like my family. I was never going to have. Big family dinners are my thing. Once a month, we tried to get everyone together and have a big family dinner. And I just grew up with that and loved it so much. And so when I got divorced, my oldest son went to live with his dad, and we became a family of three. And so every year since then, God's been just blessing our family exponentially. And this last Christmas, we had 14 stockings on the mansion.

This is so sweet.

And it was incredible. So when I was talking about letting go, it's like when we do that and let God show up and what he does, and I really. Richard's like, we have a stocking for everyone. I'm like, yes, we do. And it's such a beautiful visual for me.

It is. And I think when I was hearing you talk about it, you were just talking about just seeing what God has done and how God has blessed your family and those things that you never thought would come to pass. He's brought you that and more and more.

That's why I always hold on to John 10:10. The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy. But I've come that you may have life and have it abundantly, and that is abundant life. Me, like, just to be able to have all of them together. And, yeah, I just love that.

I love that. And I think those listening, you know, whether you're in a tough spot in your marriage right now, or maybe you're divorced and you'd like to be remarried, or maybe you did remarry, and it's just a lot harder than you ever thought. We want you to know that there's hope and that's why, I mean, we brought this couple here just to talk about their story and what God has done and, and when you cling to the Lord and you bring it to him and you work through those hard things, you will see that gleaming hope and then you will reap the harvest. But it takes time and it's a process and it takes a lot of patience.

Yeah. No matter where you are right now in your marriage, it's never too late to do marriage God's way. It's never too late to invite him in to bring beauty to those ashes is Ashley so often quotes from the Bible. And we just love that picture. And you guys are living out that picture, man, what a powerful testimony. And thank you guys so much for being here. But this is not the end of our conversation, guys. So stay tuned because in just a minute, we're going to do our content Q and A that we do every episode. But today, Rich and Barbie are joining us on the Q and A. And it's a great question, so stick around.

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Wow.

All right, now it's time for one of our favorite parts of the podcast, our Q and A. And and you guys send in such great questions. There's one today that actually has to do with a blended family. And here's the question. She says, I had a son before my husband and I met. He was five when we met and his biological father has not been in the picture as he should. He will go a year or more without contact. He calls and his dad won't answer or call back. It's just a sad situation. My husband gets his feelings Hurt when he wants to call his dad. And he treats all of our kids the same. But I can tell our son feels like something is missing. How do we deal with this? It has caused many fights between my husband and I because we look at it differently. And I just need some advice, you know, that I can just sense the. She's heartbroken, wants to help her son. What would you guys say?

Richard and Barbie, man, I can relate to this. As, you know, Barbie's sons, you know, they have their dad, you know, he's not actually out of the picture, but he's there, but he's absent.

Okay.

You know, and so. And I could just feel the frustration in them and just, you know, just encouraging them and. And understand that, walking about and just, you know, let them know, hey, it's okay. It's not you. It has nothing to do with you. And just keep reminding them that. And just build her son up and you know, just remind him that he's a good son. But also coming from the dad's side of point of view, it's like, I want. I want it so bad for the relationship with the. The dad, their dad to be good. And so I would encourage that in any way that I could. And so I would, you know, in the same way I would look at this husband, look, because I've dealt with this when I was dating, you know, and women, for some reason, would get jealous of Dakota. Like, maybe I didn't look at her the same way as I looked at my daughter. Maybe I didn't do these things. So I understand him almost in the way, being jealous of the son, you know, of the dad. What. You know, what's going on here, why I'm doing all this? Why can't, you know, why can't he, you know, see me the way he wants to be with his dad? But he just needs to understand that, you know, he needs to understand and encourage that father, son relationship and be there in those times, because they're not. If it's. When those times come that he feels so alone because his dad's not doing this to encourage. Hey, I'm here for you. I'm not only here for you, but I'm also going to encourage this. And if we can make it work, let's make this work, you know, and just make him know that, you know, to me, I'm always here. And I think that's just the biggest part. But don't get jealous of the son wanting to see his dad. I mean, it's a natural thing. I Want a relationship with my father.

Right.

You know, and so just to encourage that part. But that's the way I kind of see and just feel about it.

Yeah.

It's hard being a mom of boys. It is. It's a hard thing to see your son hurt because his dad's not doing what he needs him to do. And we have. We have dealt with that. They do see their dad, but not. He's not involved in a lot of things.

Right.

And my youngest actually asked me. He goes, you know, I just feel like there's things I should know as a man, you know, and, like, changing a tire and stuff. And just God's goodness. He got a flat tire the next day.

Oh, my goodness.

And Richard went and taught him how to change it. Oh, that's sweet. So there's good.

That is really good.

So there's lots of opportunities for the husband that's living there to be. Be that person for them. But also understanding there's just this innate thing inside you that wants to know your parent and you feel like, you know, even, like, can correlate to us learning our ancestry and stuff.

Of course.

You know what I mean?

We want. There's something about knowing that history. Who was that person? They're part of you, you know. Yes. So I think acceptance of that, but understanding you still have this really big role here.

Yes, very much. And you're the one in the home.

Yeah. And embracing that.

Yeah.

I love that.

I think as adults also. As adults, you know, we forget. Because we're adults and they're children, but we forget. I have coping skills.

Yes.

I know how to cope with this.

Right.

Unfortunately, they're young. He's five, they said, you know, so, I mean, there's. There's no coping skill. He doesn't know how to cope with this deep situations. So that's why, you know, the husband. Look, this is your chance to. To be the knight in shining armor, to step up and just. And share with him.

So what would you say to the wife specifically in that situation? Just how would you coach her and encourage her in that?

Because she feels, I think, kind of caught in between. Yeah, she's. She's right in between.

Yeah. That is really tough. I mean, obviously we want to love on our son and encourage our husband and then be a support any way we can to our husband to help him understand, you know, we know that this isn't good, but unfortunately, good or bad, the son has to learn it for himself.

I know.

You know, that's true. That's a Good point. We have to allow that to happen. And I think the only way to do that is to encourage the husband and his role, but also help him understand and then just love on their son.

I hear love and understanding. Like, I think that's the theme for this question.

Love and understanding. That'll get you a long way in pretty much every situation. And Rich and Barbie, we can't thank you guys enough for being here. Your wisdom and your experience, it really is an inspiration. And so those who are listening, if you were encouraged by this, and I know you were, there's more to the story, and we want you to encourage. I want to encourage you to get their book. It's called the Right Combination. Building on Rich's tagline there, which is.

That was so brilliant.

And it's by Richard and Barbie. And let me make sure I'm saying your name right. Armenta.

That's correct. Armenta.

All right, I did it. It says A R, M, E, N T A. It's available everywhere. Bookster Sold is coming out October 22nd of this year, and you can learn more@rightintegination.net so, guys, thank you so much for being here.

Thank you.

You guys are an inspiration. Guys, thank you for listening. Thanks for the reviews, for sharing, for subscribing. All of that makes a difference in helping get the word out. And we will look forward to seeing you next week. Thanks again.