My Spouse Is Messaging Other Women// Hump Day Q&A

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You know what time it is, sweetie?

It's hump day. Q and A time.

Hump day.

Q and A. Hump day.

Q and A.

Welcome to the Naked Marriage Podcast. Hump day, Q and A. We love answering your questions, so every Wednesday we're dropping a special podcast episode focused on one of your questions. You can submit your own marriage related question online@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or by sending us a message on Instagram aveandashleywillis. We've got a great question today, so let's dive in. I've been married a few months and my husband sends this particular girl a meme at least once a week, most weeks, multiple times. I know a meme seems harmless and it's just something funny, but the constant communication and the inside jokes make me feel like I'm on the outside. I have had multiple conversations with him about it and he doesn't see it as a problem. And even though it makes me uncomfortable, please help. It's a great question.

Great question.

I'm so glad she brought this. This is a great. I love talking about this because it's a huge issue for a lot of people.

It's a huge issue. And since he's not listening to you, go and get your husband real quick. And having put the earphones on. Okay. I'll give you a second. All right. Is it there? Okay. So, okay, this is to the dude that is sending funny memes and gifts, which is I love sending you funny takes.

You love sending a meme. Yes.

But dude, you're flirting with this other woman. There's few things more intimate than trying to share inside jokes. It's just incredibly intimate, man to woman. It is. Your wife has expressed to you that this bothers her and you continue to do it. And so I'm just gonna tell you straight up, you're being an idiot. And I don't use strong words like that very often, but she's trying to be real nice and respectful to you. And I'm gonna take the nice filter off and tell you, like, stop. Yeah, like stop. What's the deal.

It's not worth it.

What do you hope to gain through this that is worth more than the trust of your wife? She's not being the unreasonable one here. No, you are. And anybody that's listening, that's kind of in that same dynamic. If you are having any conversation with someone of the opposite sex that you would be uncomfortable having your spouse there watching the conversation, you're already out of line. That's already. It's an act of infidelity. Infidelity doesn't mean you're having sex with someone else. That's what we've taken it to mean. Infidelity just means broken trust. That's all it means. Fidelity, trust, infidelity, broken trust. And when we're taking any kind of area of secrecy in our marriage, we're breaking that trust because we're hoping we're keeping something away from our spouse. When every part of your marriage needs to be naked, it needs to be out in the open. In this kind of situation, you're just kind of blatantly doing it and you're believing that it's harmless. But listen, on so many levels, this is dangerous and wrong. The moment your spouse points out that something is bothering them, for you to continue to do it, knowing that it bothers them. Like that in itself, no matter what the situation is, even if it was otherwise harmless, if it bothers your spouse.

Even if it was, you know, from a place of innocence.

Right. Even if it was from a place of innocence, if it bothers your spouse, it's not worth doing. But in this situation, it really is something that's toxic. Take it from us, we've seen so many relationships that turn into affairs that start with these little seemingly innocuous inside jokes and conversations and text mess. If you're even consistently texting a person of the opposite sex, it's not your family member, it's not your family member or your spouse that's not directly work related. That in itself is so dangerous. And there's nothing good that can come from it. And you can call me an old fuddy duddy. People still use that word. Well, back in my day they did.

I tell you, if you use fuddy.

Duddy a payphone for a dime when I was a kid. So not really.

But in all seriousness though, it seems innocent, but it's very, very harmful.

It is.

And I'm just gonna. I'll be brutally honest. There was one time. Dave is a really funny guy. Like, and I love that. That was like one of the first things that attracted me to you all those years ago, 20 years ago. But I remember there was a lady at church who was kind of like going through something hard and out of being kind, I was right there next to you. But you were being real funny with her. And I just noticed her face because I noticed she liked it probably a little too much. And I took like, afterwards, I said, sweetie, I don't think you need to be making like any kind of funny thing with her anymore. And he goes, oh, my gosh, I didn't mean anything by that. I was just trying to, like, be kind. I know she's been through a lot. And I was like, I know your intentions, but it's not. It's just. Yeah, it's given the wrong.

And it was a blind spot because I love to make people laugh. And it's just. But at the same time, I've also really realized the power of connection that can happen through shared laughter. It's very, very binding. I was watching a show and I'm so glad you pointed that out to me because. And you were right there with me, so I felt totally safe. But at the same time, I realized, like, wow, even with you right there.

That you were totally innocent. It didn't mean anything about it, but.

It helped me see a truth there. I was watching a show one time and I thought this was such kind of a. It was a funny but really poignant commentary on life and relationships. And in this show, these two men were talking, and one of the men was talking about this woman that he was dating, and he was saying, yeah, I think our relationship's over. And he said. And his friend said, why do you think it's over? And he said, I saw her laughing with another man. And his friend said, oh, that's terrible. Are you sure they weren't just kissing? And it was funny, but it was also kind of true that like, there's that shared. When you're cultivating shared one on one laughter with someone of the opposite sex, that is a deeply intimate thing. We don't think of it in terms of being intimate.

Well, it binds hearts.

Yeah. And even in marriage, we tell all people all the time boundaries. It removes boundaries. It binds you together. Which is why we tell married couples, within the safety of marriage, laugh all the time. Have every inside joke in the world, laugh all you can. But outside of marriage, man, that's so dangerous.

So, dude, I wanna say, I know we talked to the guy, but to the girl, I would just even, you know, when you go to him, I know hopefully he does listen to this. Dave being so pointed with his answer. But I also, you know, it's gonna require you talking to him and just say, listen, why can't we have that rapport with each other? Why can't we have those jokes with each other and those memes with each other? You know, I feel like I'm on the outside, and I. I'm the one who's supposed to be your best friend, who's supposed to be your confidant, the one that you laugh with, that has all the inside jokes. And every time you send that meme, it just is so unsettling. And it makes me feel like I'm not even a priority. And like, you have this secret world with this other woman. And so I just really hope that he listens to this. But I also am gonna be praying for you because I know that sometimes these blind spots are a little bit hard to get someone with the blind spot to see. But hopefully this is the day that he sees it and he can stop sending those memes to that other lady.

Yeah. Yeah. So if you find yourself in that situation, if you're laughing a little too much with somebody at work or wherever, pull back. And I seriously could tell story after story. I'm thinking of a couple. I know I'm not going to just belabor this point, but I did sit down in a counseling session with people who are actually friends of mine. And this guy with this lady at work was starting a very similar, in his mind, very innocent, playful kind of relationship, back and forth texts. And I eventually sat down with him and his wife, and she. The wife was so wounded, like you said, like, devastating. Why don't you. Why don't you cut up with me like that? Like, I want that with you. And he just kind of blew off his wife. Like, she was the one who had a problem here. Eventually, fast forward now. That guy has, you know, ended up, you know, leaving his wife. So it's just. It's tragic, but it starts with these little things that left that are left unchecked. And so just don't leave anything left unchecked in your marriage, because it's often the things that seem little that can do the biggest damage.

And so I just want to say, you know, more power to you, the wife that wrote this, because you are right in how you're thinking. And I do think that being able to discuss this with your husband is going to be a huge turning point for your marriage, because you don't want to play with fire and get burned. And so thank you so much for writing in that question. Thank you all so much for listening to today's episode of Hump Day Q and A. We love getting your questions and we want to answer your question. So if you go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com you can submit your question right there. Or you can follow us on Instagram Ave and Ashley Willis and you can give us your questions right there by giving us a dm. So we'll catch you next time on Hump Day Q and A.