Navigating a Blended Family

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Hello and welcome back to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast, we address the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And you guys, we have some of our dear friends back in the studio with us, the Martindales. We're so excited to have them here and Dave's going to tell you more about them just in case you don't already know.

Yes, Scott and Vanessa, quite possibly the world's most interesting couple.

Yes.

Scott worked for years as Vin Diesel's stunt double on the Fast and the Furious movies. He's also been a male underwear model. And these aren't actually the things in the printed bio. These are just things that I can picture in my head. Well, that sounded wrong too. We can edit this, right?

I'm so sorry, Scott. So they're not gonna invite us to.

The birthday parties anymore?

Scott and Vanessa, we just had a birthday dinner with them last night.

So funny.

So we love hanging out with them. And they're dear, dear friends. And we don't just say that, like, in the podcast interview way. Our dear friends that we've never met outside of Zoom, like, these are dear friends. We love them. And I'll say this in the interview, too. I think that they are the most effective on the planet at communicating as a blended family to blended families. And their new book, Blended and Redeemed, is powerful. They are amazing folks. They just opened up a brand new counseling center called 7 in the Dallas Fort Worth area. And congratulations on that. And you guys are just changing the world wherever you go. We're honored to call you friends and we're so excited about your new book and you would make a great stunt double. For what it's worth, I'm excited about Vanessa. You could too, as well, you know, like, maybe like the Black Widow movie franchise, Stunt devil.

I can try.

You know, try. There are, there are a couple of many talents and I've let this, as I often do, get off the rails and I apologize. But you know what? I'm not sorry because they are so cool.

And without further ado, let's dive into today's episode. Okay, guys, as you heard in the intro, we have our dear friends Scott and Vanessa Martindale here, and you guys have heard them before. If you've been following the podcast for any length of time and you probably have heard of Blended Kingdom families, and if you're not currently listening to their podcast or watching it online, definitely do that. But today we're, we're actually going to talk about their brand new book that is hot off the presses, Blended and Redeemed. And you guys like one of the most beautiful covers.

It is beautiful.

Thank you guys so much.

She makes it really beautiful. I just kind of completely.

Both of you are beautiful.

It's a great picture and I just love the title. I want to make sure I get the subtitle right. It's the Go to. So it's Blended and Redeemed, the Go To Field Guide for the Modern Step Family. And I love that. And you guys specialize in this. And so we're going to just talk about this. We're going to talk about being blended for practically speaking all that, you know, all that it entails because we know that there's, there's some, there's more layers to a blended family and more things that you kind of have to navigate through. And I love how that's your passion and you speak so openly and honestly about it and practically, oh yeah, there's nobody better.

And talking, talking to half the families in the world are blended families, more or less. And I don't think there's anybody better on earth talking to those folks from experience, Scott and Vanessa, and they're the real deal and they live out these principles and then the way that you guys so beautifully share your experiences, your wisdom and knowledge to encourage other families in that dynamic is something that's just changing lives and legacies. And this book is a beautiful part of that. And this book's going to be helping people for years to come. And so yeah, it just came out. We're excited about it. It's part of the XO Publishing family here and we're so proud of this resource. Jimmy Evans wrote the foreword and you guys just should be on the COVID of even books other people write. You guys could be book cover Models.

Well, the story behind this, guys, there were two things that I said I would not have on the COVID of our book. It was the word guide and our picture.

And there you go.

God has a sense of humor because that is what happened.

Well, it took some convincing over time. It was kind of like chipping away. I was like, you know, guide, guide. I'm like, I like the word guide. It's great word. And all of a sudden, and we're super proud of it and super proud of, you know, and blessed to be part of the Exo family and just the amazing, amazing people, you guys know this. The amazing people behind the scenes that really make these resources come to life. And that's, I think as a first time author, that was the most surprising thing was just seeing how, how much work and how much love goes into producing a resource and just amazed by them.

Oh, it is a team effort.

It's completely team effort.

But what you got, your content here is incredible. And like, having read it, we were honored to endorse it. But having read it, even as people who are not in a blended family dynamic, it had so much in it for us. Like, I think this really is a book for everyone. Even though it's very specifically to blended families. I was blessed by reading it, challenged and encouraged. And so just let's start off like, talk a little bit about the heart behind it. Like just what you hope people take away from it. What first inspired you to write it?

Yeah, I think what first inspired us to write the book and really just the heart behind the ministry was when we went through a really tough season and I reached out to the local church for biblically based step family resources and there was nothing that we could find. So after we launched the ministry, Scott and I began to pray about what content would look like. And we were like, lord, what does this look like? Like, what do you want this to be? And we just felt it deeply within us that, that we were supposed to meet with as many blended couples as possible. We did what is called the Blended Kingdom project, AKA the project. And we set out to interview a hundred couples. We ended up interviewing around 60 from all over the world. So Australia, the UK, Canada, South Africa, all over the United States. And we actually developed a survey with Likert scale questions. Fill in the blank, multiple choice. And then we also did a face to face interview with these couples that took about an hour long. And we just, we picked up on the major themes and the things that people were talking about. And so as we began to talk about what we wanted to write in the book, we incorporated our story, but also all of these other families. And we talked about what are the things that are most challenging to blended families, what resources they're seeking for not only their marriage, but for their teens and their kids that are going through this as well.

Yeah. The project interviews. You know, when you're doing research for that type of book, and it's a longer process, it feels like a long process. And the couples that we got to meet again from all over the world. So one day we'd be on an interview with a couple in South Africa, the next day from the uk, and we heard a lot of commonalities. And what we discovered, at least this is the Quick Takeaway is number one. The book is a lot about blended families, but it's a lot about marriage. It's a lot about healing from past trauma. It's about equipping the next, you know, generation. As people read this and, you know, as a ministry, our goal is to, you know, break the cycle of divorce. You know, it's equip blended families. So I love that the book incorporates a lot of different pieces, and the way it flows is just not only from a spiritual perspective, but also from a practical perspective.

Yeah. And I think the. The takeaway from I hope. My hope is that when people read this is that they. They find that hope and that that's Jesus, you know, within all of that. And so I think we talk about legacy at the. The last chapter is probably my favorite because it talks about legacy and how that change can begin in our marriage and how that can bleed into the generations to come and into our legacies. And so I. I had somebody read it recently. The. The. The Ark, the digital copy. And she said, after reading the first chapter, she said, I was filled with so much hope and encouragement, and I was like, that is our prayers, that the Holy Spirit would speak through it to you and minister to you through it.

So I love it, and I love the title. Can you guys explain more what that means? Like, how would you define blended and redeemed?

Yeah. So the title actually came to me in a dream that I had actually had years ago. And I'm. I'm a dreamer. I wrote my dream down, and it was actually a book title that the Lord had given me. So I think it was something that he had planned all along. But I had a dream one time, and he showed me what redemption looked like. And our tagline for the ministry is blended families, God's redemption. Because it's. I Think a beautiful image and picture of what, you know, our past circumstances, what the enemy meant for evil. God in his goodness and his just sovereignty says, you know what? I can take that and I can turn it into something more amazing and incredible than you could ever possibly imagine. And so that's the heart behind the name. First chapter kind of tells you the story behind it too.

Yeah, it's so good. And you guys are stepping into a space where there's so many people that need this content, but there's a huge gap between the need and the resources there to meet that need. And I think part of it is because churches have just maybe not known how to address that. And so, like, what do you feel like churches have done well or done poorly in terms of communicating specifically to step families, blended families. What's been the message in churches? And if people are listening right now and maybe they're in a church where they're looking for these resources and it doesn't exist, like, how would you encourage them to maybe help their church step forward in getting resources like yours so that they can meet that need?

Well, and the first thing we would say is we love churches and we love pastors. So a lot of what we do as a, as a ministry and definitely as a resource, as a book and is we highlight the opportunity that exists within the body of Christ and within the body of Christ to invite more people into the church, which are those blended families that may feel like they don't belong. You know, we live in the Dallas Fort Worth area. We have amazing churches here and they're, and they're plentiful. But we know if you're listening in North Dakota or if you're listening in Odessa, Texas, you may not have those kind of resources or the kind of church bodies that look at divorce through the lens of forgiveness and through the lens of wholeness and look at a blended family and say, you know, we understand that there are things in your past that that could have happened, but as a unit or as a marriage now, we want to equip you. We want to fill you with God's grace. We want to love on you. So we know that there's a gap. But I will tell you, in the numerous pastors that we've talked to, all of them have been very encouraging about just the eye opening opportunity it is to minister to blended families. Because I, and I don't want to mistake this. I know that there are blended families who are listening to this who feel like the church is not possible for them. And we want to, as a ministry, tell them, no, that is absolutely your hospital. That is absolutely where you can go to receive healing and equipping, whether that is your church doing that for you, or if you're picking up a copy of the book and reading through the study guide that we provide, or grabbing another couple of blended families and going through that study guide. So we know that there is awakening going on with this group of individuals, these blended families, these step families, these single parents that are in the. In that route, and we think it's. We think things are moving in the right direction.

Yeah, I would say. You know, we recently were on Pastor Ed and Lisa Young's podcast, and they asked us a very similar question. And they had asked, what is it that we can do as a church to better help and support blind families? And my comment to them was, as pastors and ministry leaders, I think we have to talk about it. If it's in the Bible, let's talk about it. Let's talk about what the Bible says about these things and provide a place where people, I think with blended families, they feel so much ambiguity and they don't know where they belong inside of the church. So when we can be the place that says, hey, the church is the place that you can run to and not away from, I think we can start right there. But I think just talking about talking about it and just asking them about their situation, their circumstances, and then again, providing an opportunity, everybody wants to feel like they belong. Everybody wants to feel like they have a place. So if you can offer a class or even if it's a life group, a marriage group, a mom's group, a dad's group, whatever it is, and do a Bible study together and just be able to help and support and equip them in that way. I mean, I think that's an easy first step that you can take.

That's huge.

And I know that you guys have done that. Like, you've done those classes, you've led those classes, and I'm sure you've been part. Have you been part of things like that?

Yeah.

And you found them helpful. I think knowing you're not alone and that you're seen is half the battle, you know, I mean, just knowing, like, okay, you see me like, you see that some of this stuff's really hard, you know, And I have, you know, one of the questions we were going to ask, I think is just so good. And it talks about this whole phrase, broken home. What do y' all think about that? Because it's Used a lot with blended families.

Well, you know, I read something recently and I thought it was very pointy. One of the things that we, as blended families, we don't, we don't need to be in a spirit of comparison. So we need to compare ourselves to the nuclear. You know, people talk about the nuclear family and you know, we all know that, you know, you see this perfect family and once you get to know them, you understand that there are problems. Everybody else, yeah, not perfect. Nobody, no family is perfect. But blended families often, and I don't know if it's as much as the parents as I think the kids see that a lot too. They look at, you know, the nuclear families and they look at maybe what they don't have. But when you're talking about the word broken home, none of us are broken in the wholeness of Jesus. And I think a lot of families, as they look at, you know, becoming in a relationship with Jesus and looking at, you know, the fact that he does make us whole, that the fact that, you know, there is no unforgivable sin. You know, these are all things that look at when you talk about the word broken. You know, we're not broken in his eyes now. We maybe broken in the sense of saying, hey, we need help, we need resources, we need to receive weekly equipping. I mean, these are things that we seek help from.

So, yeah, we talk about it in the book and I kind of, I described it as like a house. And you know, as long as Jesus and you know, that is our firm foundation, the walls can come crumbling down, but we can also build those walls back up, you know, in a, in a new way, in a stronger way, in a healthier way. And so like Scott said, we are, you know, we're a new creation in Christ. And so I, I actually prefer not to use the term broken. I'm like. Because we're all messy people, we're all sin natured. We all have flaws and things that happen. And so, so I don't know, we, we talk about it in the book, but I choose to look at it from a different perspective. Like, hey, like we can, we can start from the ground up and rebuild. So I love that.

I love that. Yeah, it's a great perspective.

Yeah.

And the Bible, that's the message of the Bible. I mean, really, that's the message of Jesus. When I just look at examples from the gospel, the very first person that Jesus even revealed himself to as the Messiah, he intentionally went and found this one woman and she's, she's a woman who been in a blended family situation. She'd had, she'd had five marriages. We don't know all of her backstory, but we know Jesus came to her not in judgment, but in love to reveal himself to her and to remind her that she could be made whole in him. And that even though culture looked at her in a way that she was damaged goods because of some of that from her past, that's not who she was in his eyes. And it's a beautiful reminder of how Jesus sees us. I look at the lineage story of Jesus, the very first words of the New Testament, and here the Bible is giving us the very start of the gospel, the start of the good news of Jesus. A picture of the line that God chose to bring his son through. And that line is a picture of non nuclear families. There are some. And how every family along the way was imperfect in their own way. Some of those families, you know, had experienced, gosh, just all kinds of different things, you know, but there were certainly blended families along that pathway. And it was like God right from the beginning saying, look, I wove all that together and redeemed just like the title of your book, every one of those stories as a picture of me ultimately bringing my Savior into the world through that line. So all of us, all of us are the results of, of those kinds of stories, you know. And so I think for us to look down on ourselves as a result of the situation we're in or the situation our parents or grandparents were in is the complete wrong approach. But to say, God, thank you that this beautiful story you've been writing for generations, that's, that's led to us and it's just a great story of grace. And I love the title, I love the heart behind your book, but it just so points to the heart of Jesus. Like, you guys aren't making up any of this. This is the heart of the gospel. And I think churches, all of us need to be reminded of that because there has been this unfair stigma in some ways placed on, you know, families that aren't that, you know, stereotypical nuclear family. But every family is sacred in God's eyes when they commit themselves to God. And the way you guys have done it is just been beautiful. But before we dive in more in, the book I'd love for you just talked about your own family some, you know, just in this season with your kids, you got a beautiful family, you know, tell us about just this season that you're in right now and what you're Learning what we're learning.

So, so let's start with the marriage. So we're, we're nearing the double digit mark, which I feel like is like a pass. Sorry, like a passover. Like there's going to be some like major revelation at the 10 year, one day mark. Yeah. So we're almost 10 years married. We have four sons, same as you guys. We, we have eight sons together. Lions. And it's a very good season. So our sons are 5, 6, 8 and 16, which is awesome. And they're so much fun. And we have four golden retrievers. So it's a, it's, it's a loud, busy season, but I think, you know.

It'S a bit of a. It's. It's a new transitional season because we have, you know, all of our littles are all at the same school, which is amazing.

Phenomenal.

Life changing.

Life changing. So we have three of our kids at one school, but also our oldest is a junior. So we're now interviewing for colleges and starting that track. And so, you know, knowing that next year he's going to be a senior and I know you guys have a senior and then just. So it's kind of like we're in this a little bit of a life, you know, transition. And so it's. I think one thing that we talked about recently was just just the preciousness and just, just savoring this sweet time together, imagining, you know, Michael not being under our roof. I'm like, you know, my mama heart.

Yeah. No, we're almost there with Cooper. But let me ask you, Vanessa, this is a question I ask Ashley all the time. What's it like being the only woman in a 10 testicle home?

We love saying testicle. We say testosterone.

Testosterone.

What did you say?

What was the word? A 10 testicle home. That is four boys and a dad. That's just doing the math.

That is so funny. You know, it is so much fun. I. Oh, gosh, I'll have to say it without getting emotional, but growing up there was just so much like male hurt in our. My life. And so being married to Scott, who is just the most incredible father and husband and just having all of these boys who just love on you, it's. That is redemption in itself from just, you know, just from what childhood was. And so I love it. I cherish it. I find it to be an honor. As hard as it is on some days, it is. It's an honor to be raising. You know, I would say we always say lions, but lions of these Tribes of the future generations and just the importance and the weight of that, of what these young mighty men are going to do one day. So.

And I'm doing my best to teach them to close a cabinet and flush toilets.

Just because flushing toilets.

There is a, there is a, there is a noble part of this. And I. But the funny part about it is, is her going, really?

It's a daily habit checking the toilets before people come over to the house. You have to check all the toilets.

And you know what we're talking about. It's. That's the fun part about it.

Yeah.

And it is my. I'll never forget we were having like this big birthday party a couple years ago and my sister in law was so sweet. She had at the time only had girls. She now has a boy, so she gets it a little bit more. But she came up to me and was like, just want you to know something happened upstairs in the toilet. I don't know what all that is.

You know, and so.

And then like have all these new people that don't know us. And I was like, oh, Lord. And I went up there and sure enough, I mean, it's like, yeah, that is so. Who knows?

Like, you're like, how, how did this happen?

You don't want to flush or do anything. Don't pick up the toilet paper. You know, it's just crazy.

I applaud them for effort. I'm like, at least they're trying, you know, I mean, they're, they're doing good.

I went to the bathroom. That's.

Yeah.

You know, like when they're real little, it's just like, just go. You know?

But I totally get that.

And the cabinets. I even our 15 year old the other day, I was like, connor, do you not see that they're wide open? Like, what is going on here?

It is fun watching it.

Yeah, it's kind of fun. It is. It's.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm even a work in progress sometimes. We're all.

We are a work in progress.

I'm so tempted to just leave a cabinet open. Like it's like it feels right to leave it open or to leave the toilet seat out.

I feel victory when I close one.

Yeah.

Like I walk by and close one and I'm like, vanessa, did you see that?

Yeah, I helped.

Yeah.

Yeah. Sometimes I'll wait. I'll wait to close it until ashy's in the room. Like, oh, oh, I got that.

We should close the.

Yeah.

So funny husbands, if you're listening, these are great tips These are keep your wife happy tips.

That is so funny.

And there are millions more in the book. So.

Blended and redeemed.

Yes. You guys want to change your marriage and your family. Get that. What are some of the takeaways? When somebody's finished reading this book, and I know I had great takeaways, but just from your perspective as the authors, the creators of this great resource, when somebody's finished reading it, what are some of those nuggets that you hope that they take, whether it's a fact or a tool or just even a feeling they're left with that's going to help them on their journey?

I've got mine. I'll let you go first, and then I'll go.

I'll let you go first because I'm thinking of mine.

Okay. I think, you know, and I try to look at this from a huge picture. Vanessa and I talk about our backgrounds collectively, together and the mess that we came from. And when I look at the book and I look at the importance of its resource, and I think about when I look down a line of legacy and I see people who are a lot of people who.

The people.

The people who are going to buy that book, they're the people who are. They're in a blended family, and they're looking for an answer or a reason or just a little bit of help to get them from today to tomorrow. But they all have the desire to create legacy. They. Nobody is in this situation thinking, well, I. I'm just. I'm just hanging out to get my divorce and then I'm going to go to the next one. No, you're sitting here going, I know what I've been through. This stops with me. And my kids will experience something different and their kids beyond them. Everybody loves a good legacy story. We all love the legacy story. And I am just so excited for somebody to grab this or grab any resource, your resource. I mean, learn how to do marriage God's way, and you will start to see a legacy built that will be just phenomenally impacted for the kingdom. And that's what it starts with. It starts with your decision. Your decision to equip yourself, whether it be in a blended family or the naked marriage or if you're listening to this, you're making that decision. That's what excites me.

That's so good.

Yeah, I would say that. I think the takeaway or the nugget would be that. And it's. It's our favorite verse, and it's Luke 1:37. And it's nothing is impossible with God. And I think after hearing the stories of the people that we interviewed and our story that they can say, you know what? Like, we're not the only ones. And it is possible, you know, we can thrive in our blended family. We can thrive in our marriage and not merely just try to survive. So I think that would be. And then I think, and you asked earlier, like, what do you hope people get through it? And I was, I was, I've been thinking about that for some reason while we've been interviewing and I just hope people experience who Jesus is through this. I hope that they can experience the heart of the Father through that.

So, yeah, I think they truly will. You guys capture that and your own hearts, your authenticity, your courage and story and vulnerability in it, paired with such practical tools and such, such biblical truth, this just like, just like your whole ministry is, is going to be such a, such a powerful resource.

It will be. And you guys, thank you guys so much for being.

Thank you guys. We love you people.

Get in touch with you. What's the best ways?

Yeah, so www.blendingkinafamilies.com did I say that right? Www.

I don't know if you have said the WWW anymore.

And you can find everything on there, links to podcasts. You can connect with us, send us an email to our info box and.

You can go to blendedandredeem.com or you can buy it from Amazon. Exomarriage Exo marriage. I think it's, it's every. You can grab your copy of the book. It is available right now.

So yes, go get it.

Yes, yes.

And I would even say too, you know, get it for yourself, but then get it for a friend. Like, get it for the families in your life that you're like, this would really be a helpful resource to them and just pass it around, you know, I mean, it's such a helpful resource. And just like Dave said, you don't even have to be blended to get something out of this. It really has something for everyone. So again, thanks you guys.

Thank you guys.

Thank you.