Our Kids are Hurting our Marriage

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Hello and welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis and on this podcast we undress the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And you guys. We are continuing in our series of nine habits that can lead to divorce and we're talking about the third one today. It's a big one. But before we dive into that episode, I want to share a recent review with you. It's from egotman01 entitled Amazing Podcast and it says this is an amazing podcast. I'm engaged to be married to my best friend and listening to this podcast has really helped me prepared to be the best wife I can be to my future husband. My fiance and I listened to the pre marriage podcast by Dave and Ashley and we loved it. I am continuously listening to this podcast. It gives me great ideas on how to be the best helper to my husband because he will be the leader in our relationship. I can't wait to be married to my best friend and to use all the wise words Dave and Ashley have provided in this podcast. Wow you guys, thank you so much. We are always so excited when we hear engaged couples are listening to this because I feel like man, we would have loved to have had a podcast to listen to all those years ago and that's just such a wise choice. So we thank you so much not only for listening, but also for leaving a review. And if you love this podcast, please leave a review. It's the best way to let others know about it.

Yes, and that's why we share them here. Sometimes it's not to like, you know, read our own good review even though it is encouraging to hear them and we read every one and even the negative ones we read and sometimes learn from that feedback. But a positive review helps people discover this podcast and we appreciate your help in that, and so thank you. Speaking of that engaged couple, you might not know, we've got a whole series of pre marriage resources. You can go to premarriage.com there's a free podcast by us called the Pre Marriage Podcast, a course called Preparing for I Do, and a lot of other stuff there. So if there's anybody in your life who's engaged or preparing for marriage, share that with them as well. Like Ashley said, we're going to dive back into the nine habits that lead to divorce with part three today. And I think this conversation, especially for those of you who have children or plan to someday, could be really, really helpful. So let's dive in.

Oh, my goodness. So this episode is an important one. And for those of you who are married and you have children, this will resonate with you. And I think it will resonate with you whether or not you have young kids or even adult children. And that is, what do you do when you feel like your children are hurting your marriage and. Or maybe they really are hurting your marriage because of a whole multitude of reasons? You know, we're continuing on in our series, as we said out, out of the front of this, that we're continuing on with the nine toxic habits that can lead to divorce. And this is number three. And I think this is a really big one that that can happen very easily for not careful.

Right. And you might be thinking, well, wait, what's the habit like if it's just our children are hurting our marriage? And I think that the specific habit in that is when you have an unhealthy balance of priorities, and if your children are always prioritized ahead of your marriage, that's gonna hurt your marriage. And that's not anything your children are doing on. They're just kids. It's what you, as the spouses and parents are doing to have a misaligned set of priorities. Right. And I think it's, again, one of the most common traps couples fall into, and it's elevating the children to a place of, like, they're always number one. And what that does is it creates imbalance in the kids. It creates codependent relationships between parents and children that makes it harder for those children to launch into successful adulthood, and it absolutely sabotages the marriage.

Right.

And so in this episode, we just want to talk about ways to. Yeah, I mean, be great parents, obviously, and any of us would. Would do anything for our children, but one of the best gifts you can give your kids is the gift of Letting your children see what a healthy marriage looks like, when a husband and wife put each other first in a loving way. And. And what does that mean? What does that look like? How can we get into that habit if we've fallen out of it?

Absolutely. And I want to talk about first how people fall into this, because I don't think anybody necessarily sets out to let the kids start taking over their whole life. You know, I think it can happen very easily when we do mix up our priorities. But I think where we kind of fall into this is when we have young children and they're taking up, you know, they take up a lot of your time and your attention and. And maybe, you know, you. You start feeling like this is where at least I. I see it happen a lot with married couples. You start feeling like you're a better parent than you are a spouse. And so you start putting more of your attention towards being a parent and start neglecting your attention towards being a great spouse. And I mean, haven't you seen this, sweetie?

I have seen this over and over.

Over and over again.

It's a common trap, not just in marriage and parenting. I think all of us are prone to whatever we feel like we're winning at.

Yeah.

Whether it's work or a hobby or whatever. Like, if we're really good at that.

Right.

We love the accolades that come with that. We love feeling good at something, and so we want to do that more often. And very common trap, like Ashley just said, is when you feel like, I got this mom thing down, I got this dad thing down, like, I am a great parent and my kids are awesome, and it's because of me, and.

They make me look good.

They make me look good.

Yeah.

And it's like, yeah, me and my spouse might be, like, disconnected in a lot of ways, but you know what? I don't have time to worry about that because I am mom of the year, dad of the year, and I'm just going to lean in heavy to that. But again, what happens when it becomes all about the kids is, you know, your kids grow up, you realize that they're going to leave, and you have a hard time letting them go. And sometimes, unknowingly, you even sabotage their launch into adulthood or their future marriage because you're holding onto them so tightly for spouse level emotional support. You never developed it with your own spouse, and you and your husband or wife just kind of fade apart. That's why there's been an epidemic of divorce happening as people become empty nesters. It's called gray or graying divorce. It's this huge thing. It's the highest growing statistic of divorce in the demographic of people who are, who are aging. And they realize all we had in common was our kids. Now our kids are gone. We don't know each other or like each other. And we just can't let that happen if it's already started happening for you. First off, thanks for listening to this. Thanks just for being open to seek after helpful marriage content and invest in your own relationship. And we just want to encourage you and give you some practical tools today that can hopefully help you and your spouse reconnect in a meaningful way.

Absolutely. And I want to say this too. I think a lot of times when we do feel like maybe we're winning in the parent lane and not so much in the spousal lane, what you'll find too, is that the spouses start competing about who's the better parent. You know, and it's like, and then you see them again because they're trying to be the best parent in the bunch. You know, they basically stop, you know, they stop paying attention to their marriage. And then you see them. A lot of times this turns into divorce, separation or divorce.

And then that competition continues.

And it continues like, I'm a better parent.

I'm the fun parent. I'm the, you know, and it.

And then it ends up making even just trying to have civil co parenting nearly impossible. I mean, it's just this. It keeps on getting worse and worse and worse. And so we want to talk about this because it's just a huge issue. And I think that what we first have to realize is that we are all on the same team here. We all want to have kids that love the Lord, that love each other, that love us and can function in society. Right. Like, that's the goal, is we're trying to raise them to be good citizens and to learn all the things that we want them to learn. And the best way we can do that is by, first of all, being healthy in our marriage. And so what does this look like? Practically speaking, it means that we make time for our marriage, that we don't let the kids just completely control our schedule. And I know I'm going to step on some toes when I'm saying this because, you know, sure, you need to get kids involved in things. We have our kids involved in things. But as a family, we have always kind of sat down and as a couple and said, like, in this season, here's, here's how much we can do because these other things like family dinners and date nights and us having small group like these other things have to, they're not, they're not changing from our schedule. So in this season, we're gonna let our children choose one activity that they do. Maybe for you. It's, they do one, you know, art related activity and one sports related activity. You know, it's gonna look different. Like, for example, we normally have our kids do one sport each season. So right now our little ones have chosen doing gymnastics. You know, last season they did jiu jitsu. And so we're like, we're doing gymnastics. We find a class where they can be in the same class and it's.

One night a week.

One night a week, right?

And then, then this semester we're also letting them both try Cub Scouts, right?

They're doing Scouts.

And so. And that's not even an every week thing, right? It's like two or three times a month. There's something. And so. And that's, that's a way to help them grow and, and connect and.

Exactly.

So. But, but that's as, as much as they've done, like, right.

And they know that, like, we talked to them about that and they have, like, things they do within school. You know, like, Chandler just got, he's so proud. He just got a little role, the program officer, and he's so proud. So there's other things they can do within, like the school hours. But I think we have to, as a couple, realize, okay, we are the parents, we are the adults. We make the schedule. Right? And you pray about it too, because, you know, I know in our family, we want to make sure we're attending church on Sundays and we want to make sure our older boys are going to youth group on Wednesdays. Our older boys, you know, our oldest is in marching band. And we want to make sure he has, that he also has a job that he go, you know, he drives and he goes to. Our second son, Connor is now involved in yearbook. And he knows that there's going to be times he's going to have to stay after school to go take pictures of certain activities and to go be part of these different things that are involved in yearbook. And you know, as a family, though, we have to look at the calendar and say, you know, we decide, you know, as a couple, like, we get the ultimate say. We want to hear from our children, hear their desires, because they have a voice and they have, they have wants and desires. And we want to do our best to let Them experience some of these activities. But we also, as the parents, have the license to say no. And there's been certain times, like there was a time when Cooper, our oldest, was younger and his gymnastics, his competitive gymnastics schedule was just becoming too much for our family. And, and, you know, we really had a heart to heart with him. We were like, listen, if we continue on with this, something else has got to go from your schedule because it's taking, you know, it's keeping one of us with him away from the rest of the family. We weren't able because he ended up having like, practice three nights a week. We weren't, you know, we're having less family dinners together. And then there's once travel season, competitive season started, then that meant some Sundays we were away. And that's a high priority in our family.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Being at church as a family is. Is a high priority for us. And I think it, it's a great priority in every family. Not, not just for like a legalistic tradition, but because God intended church being part of a church family to be an important part of our own faith and something that we should prioritize. And I say that just as a separate point here, just because so many people have gotten out of that habit. I think the pandemic got us out of the habit. Now we're just like, well, I can watch online every now and then, but we need to be there in person. We need each other. And no church is perfect. And maybe a church has hurt your feelings in the past, wounded you in the past even. But even though there's no perfect church, church is still a perfect part of God's plan for every one of us. And so find one you and your family can connect into. That's so important. But coming back to Black Friday savings.

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Hey, welcome into Walgreens.

Hi there. Hey.

All right, hon. I'll grab the gift wrap cards and, oh, those stuffed animals the girls want.

Great. And I'll grab the string lights and some. How about I grab some cough drops? This is not just A quick trip to Walgreens.

I'm fine, honey.

Well, just in case. You know what they say, Tis the season.

This is help staying healthy through the holidays.

Walgreens, Just prioritizing the marriage. I think you guys have to be something that we've learned through the years. We get to work together now, which gives us a head start being able to be around each other a lot in the work setting. And so we spend a lot of time together. But what we found even in that is that work time together isn't the same thing as just quality time. And so even though in terms of hours together, we're together more than just about any couple that I know. And I'm so thankful for that because we truly enjoy being with one another. But that, that work time isn't a substitute for time just to enjoy each other. And so even in seasons when we're having, you know, we're working a lot, even traveling for work, we still are so intentional about date nights. We're intentional about once or twice a year getting away for a little trip that has nothing to do with work or the kids. Or the kids. We do plenty of family stuff, too, guys. We're on the road with the kids. We take them places, we do trips with them. But we look at the calendar and make sure, like, look, there's a busy work season coming up. So right at the start of that or right at the end of that, let's make sure that we're carving out some time just for each other. And guys do that. It can be a weekend away. It can be taking a little trip, road trip. It can be coming to one of our XO conferences. You can go to xomarriage.com and get that full list. This coming summer, I'm excited to announce Ashley and I finally rescheduled a group Israel trip.

That's right.

That we had planned, that was canceled during the pandemic. And now summer of 2023, we're looking at June 26th through July 4th. We love for you to come. It's just now taking shape. But hey, if you want to come, just. I don't even have a website for you, but you can email the tour guide.

We might have it in the show notes by the time this airs. We will see.

Send an email to guyordontours.com if you're interested in going and he can get you all the info. He's in Israel. He's the one that runs this tour company. He's been great to work with. So his name is Guy Love to have you there@gordontours.com we would love to share that with you. But it doesn't have to be that. Do something is the point here. And do something consistently where you're creating adventures together, you're creating memories together. Ashley and I love travel and adventure. Maybe you're not as into that, but find a hobby you can do together. Maybe you two want to take up golf or painting or who, whatever you're into.

Just enjoying time together. I've actually, there's a couple in our church. I've noticed they both have recently started playing golf together and I see their little posts on Instagram and you can literally see them glowing because, you know, golf gets you outside and, and it's something that people play like you can play your whole life. I mean, it's, it's a really cool sport. One day maybe we'll learn how to play golf. It would be really cool. But, you know, I can tell that this is what, you know, in this season of life, their kids are now in high school. They have a little more time. They can go on dates more frequently because their kids are older and they are just loving it and living it up. And I love that. And I know for us, like right now in this season, you guys know we've shared this. We have, we have two elementary schoolers and two high schoolers. So our older boys can watch our younger boys. We do pay them because we don't want them to hate it and we want to, you know, sweeten the dough a little bit. And we usually go out on like a day that's maybe an hour and a half. I mean, it's become, because we had the little, the big ones watching the little ones, we keep it short these days. And we'll go out to one of our favorite restaurants. We usually go early. Literally, guys, pro tip go early is then you get to pick your favorite seat. If you want to sit outside, it's always available. If you want to sit inside.

And it's happy hour.

It's happy hour. You get like the half price appetizers. If you like to have a cocktail, the half price cocktails, it's just really cool. So you save money. And also there's less people. Like, we don't like to go to busy places.

We can just talk.

We want to be able to hear each other, you know, and so that's, that's my little protein.

And then we get home in time to have dinner with the kids.

So we don't take away from, so.

We get A date night. And we still still have family time.

And sometimes I'll pay a little extra. And I will tell if Connor, our second one, is a great little cook. In fact, he might even be a chef one day. He's really good at it. And I'm like, connor, can you make con cheese, which is his version of grilled cheese? And then I'll heat up some soup and like, so the dinner's even half made and we get to have family dinner together.

So win, win.

We call these guys right now. And if you follow us on Instagram. Avanashley Willis. You've probably seen some of our picks. On our Mondays get it Monday date, we combined it into Mondays and in our house in this season, and it's looked different in different seasons. Our kids know Mondays are for mom and dad. Like, mom and dad. We get a couple hours together, like, and then it's prioritized.

We have dinner with the kids, have a little time with them, make sure they're good. But then we also kind of go to bed early that night, not to sleep, but to watch.

You would watch a favorite show, you.

Watch it, we'll pick a movie to watch, we'll cook some popcorn, and we just kind of carve out that time that, like, Monday, we're going to start the week off giving each other the bet. And part of it, part of it with Monday is really just in any part of life, when you say, I'm going to give my first energy to something, you know, and with God, we give our tithe. It's our first, first fruits to him. In marriage, if we give the first of our time instead of the leftovers. Because what happens when we don't give the first to what matters most? There's nothing left over at the end.

Right?

And so we're like, we're just going to get in the rhythm of giving the first of our week to each other and also having time through the week.

But and it's been really nice in this season. And, you know, it's again, we, for us, this works because we still get to the kids, we still get to engage in their day, and because family dinners are very important to us. And when you have teenagers who can drive, you have, you know, and have jobs and have activities, you see that a little bit less because of their schedule. And so we really, especially during this year, which is our oldest son's senior year, we are those. We're treasuring those even more so because it's a, it's a time of change. In our family, we know it's kind of upon us with him going off to college. And so, you know, as a family, as a couple, talk about what this looks like for you and then make it happen and really stick to it. And you know, again, if your kids get put to bed a little early because you're having that date night in that they may fuss. Don't be surprised if they fuss. They're kids. But look them in the eye and say, listen, we love you so much, but Mondays are for mom and dad or whatever it is. Wednesdays, you know, we're having our mom dad time because we love you that much and we want to make sure that we give each other some attention. And I'll see you in the morning. I love you. And you know, they'll get used to it. And before you know it, it becomes part of your family routine. I want to shift gears a little bit and talk about something that I think often kind of throws people into this dynamic. And it's not necessarily like, maybe you had really good habits with prioritizing your marriage, but all of a sudden you're dealing with maybe a teenager or a college age kid or maybe even an adult child that is struggling with addiction or is wayward or is making really bad decisions and it is just, you know, wreaking havoc in your family. I think that I've seen families where this happens and it's like all of a sudden it's crisis mode and everything else is kind of thrown out because they're just trying to save the child, you know, And I totally get the heart of this because it's all hands on deck. When you see your loved one making really poor choices and hurting themselves and others, it is like, you know, obviously it is a crisis. It is a crisis that needs to be addressed. But the couples that do this really well kind of have, they have a moment, they come together and say, and I've heard people say this, like, in crisis, it doesn't mean your marriage is thrown away. You need to come together more than ever before and stay unified because this is the time that the enemy can really attack your marriage. You know, we have some friends that have, you know, they had a baby that was extremely medically compromised and eventually they were told that this baby would pass away. I mean, just like the worst news that you can ever hear. And I'll never forget the husband who, you know, Dave actually served on staff with for, for many years. He, he sat down at lunch with you one day and he teared up and he said, I know the statistics, like, I know the statistics of not only, you know, parents with special needs or medically compromised children, but also parents who have to bury their child. And I know it's high that there's a high divorce rate. And he said, you know, I wanted to, he said he wanted to sit down with you to just get some guidance because he said, we are going to lean into each other and lean into God like never before because we don't want to be a statistic. And, and they went out of their way. Even in the midst of all that, they made sure they spent time together. Do you remember this, sweetie?

Yeah.

And they did. Eventually, tragically, they had to bury that child. And, and life's not necessarily been easy since then, but I just so admire them for going through like the worst thing that I believe anybody can just about go through. And to, instead of making excuses and allowing that to overtake their life and their marriage, just really drawing a line in the sand and saying, yes, this is horrible. Like this situation is heartbreaking. And that's not even, that doesn't even capture it, you know, but we're not going to, we're not going to turn away from God and each other. And today they're stronger than ever. And that takes courage, you guys. That takes courage. That takes really digging in deep into what you believe about God, each other and life in general and really prioritizing each other. And so I share their example because I think that, gosh, if they can do it, any of us can. And I think we can. Course correct. If you haven't done it. Right. Okay, let's say right now your kids are ruling the roost that way where child is, is all you think about and you're never spending time with your spouse. Let this be a wake up call where you guys can come together and say, we're going through a really hard season and own it. It's okay to say, like, I'm not loving this season, you know?

Yeah. And that's okay. You don't have to love it. Some, you know, some seasons are mountaintops, some are valleys.

Yeah.

Some are really enjoyable and some you just have to survive.

Yeah.

But even in those kind of survival seasons, part of how you survive them is you, you, you lean on each other. You lean on God and you make time for each. Excuse me, you make time for each other.

Right.

You can't get out of those habits because that season can quickly turn into a lifestyle of just not prioritizing each.

Other and pointing fingers, blaming each Other saying, well, if you had done this, that kid would have never done that. Or if you had done this, I wouldn't have had to leave. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, it's. We just, we really, sometimes those seasons of crisis, if we're. If we're not extremely mindful and careful and prayerful, they can really bring out the worst in us. And so, you know, let today be the day that you have those hard conversations. You guys hear us say that all the time in the Naked Marriage podcast that don't, don't shy away from the hard, address the hard, call it what it is, but then realize that. That you all are not enemies. Like, you're on the same team. And in order to really, to stay moving in the same direction and in a good direction, you've got to make sure that you're prioritizing your marriage and being the ones to make those decisions, not allowing kids to make those decisions.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah. That's so good, guys. This has been a good reminder, even for us, because we've got, like we've said, constant conversation. And every season changes, right? Just as soon as you think you get the rhythm down, the debt gets reshuffled, so to speak, and the kids are in new seasons, there are new challenges. And of course, guys, we're there for our kids. It's one of the most sacred duties we're ever called to. If God has given you children, but just remember that the raising them is a temporary assignment. They'll be part of your life forever, of course, but raising them is temporary assignment. But your priority to your spouse is meant to be the top of your list throughout all of your life, right?

It's God first, spouse, second kids, you know, after that, and then everyone and everything else. And so when we get that in alignment, everything else really is balanced, you know? And again, I mean, it's never perfectly balanced. You know, we're flawed human beings and life is just changing all the time. But I think when we do our best to keep that alignment and that. That alignment of priority, it really helps everything else run a little smoother.

So true. Hey, thank you all for being a part of this conversation. Do us a favor, and if this has been meaningful to you, share it with somebody. You know, maybe just text the link of this or maybe share on social media. You guys are part of this community with us, helping spread the word, and it means so much to us. We're. We're always just humbled and honored when we see how far God takes these conversations. Around the world. And, and we're, we're honored that you've welcomed us, welcomed us into, into your, your home today. And so God bless you guys. Stay tuned. This Wednesday, we'll have a brand new episode on Hump Day. Q and A.

That's right.

Where we will answer one of your questions. And of course, you can send us questions on Instagram aveanddashleywillis or@nakedmarriagepodcast.com God bless, guys. We'll see you soon.

Bye. Bye. Sam.