Our Trauma Is Showing Up In Our Marriage // Hump Day Q&A

Foreign. You know what time it is, sweetie?

It's Hump day Q and A time.

Hump Day.

Q and A. Hump day.

Q and A. Welcome to the Naked Marriage Podcast. Hump Day Q and A. We love answering your questions. So every Wednesday we're dropping a special podcast episode focused on one of your questions. You can submit your own marriage related question online@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or by sending us a message on Instagram. Aveandashleywillis. We've got a great question today, so let's dive in.

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Hey, friends. Dave and Ashley here. Welcome back to Hump Day Q and A. It's the best day of the week. Hump day.

That's right.

And we love your questions. We've got a great one today and as always, you can write us on Instagram. We're aveandashleywillis submit a question there. We would love to hear from you. You might inspire a future episode. Also want to invite you to check out our ministries website. We have a lot of new things happening, both live events coming up. We'd love to see at the live events and a lot of new resources being added to the website all the time. If you go to xomarriage.com you can dive straight into what I believe is the best library of marriage resources out there. Many of them are free videos, blog articles, and then again, do check out the live events because we've got some great ones coming up this fall and beyond. And we would love to see you there. I'm telling you, our events are so fun. They are. They're my favorite. My favorite events. When we go, we get to meet you in person. We laugh a ton. We learn from the other speakers. We leave feeling stronger in our own marriage every single time. And I promise you will too. So come to one of the XO marriage events. We would love to see you there.

We would. All right, now for today's question. It says this. Dave and Ashley, both my spouse and I, carry significant emotional baggage from our past that impacts our relationship. For instance, I experienced childhood trauma that has left me with deep seated trust issues. And my spouse went through a difficult previous relationship that has made them fearful of vulnerability. These past wounds often surface during our disagreements and leading to misunderstandings and emotional distance. We love each other deeply and are committed to our marriage, but we find it challenging to support each other's healing without getting entangled in each other's pain. How can we create a safe and nurturing environment where we both feel heard and supported and where our past traumas do not overshadow our present happiness or future potential? Specifically, how can we balance being there for each other while also ensuring we don't become each other's therapists and instead grow together as partners who uplift each other?

That's a great question.

I love it. Thank you for being specific. I think that this is a common struggle for so many because all of us come from different paths. You know, some have more tragedy and more trauma than others, but our past is our past, and how it affects us is part of our story. And I think realizing, you know, your own trauma is something that is hard enough, you know, and trying to get help with that. But then when you bring the person you love in and know that they have their own too, and then you're kind of facing that at the same time, it can be really, really tough. And I know specifically in our own story, in those years when I found myself really battling with anxiety and depression, and a lot of it was processing a bit of past trauma for myself and addressing some unhealthy relationships in my life and trying to make those healthier. And then you, at the same time, were recovering from your porn addiction.

Yeah, yeah. It was a. It was a messy season.

And then we were addressing the reality of that and trying to rebuild trust. So I get. Trying to have all these.

We had. And then we had in law issues. We had some very, very intense in law issues at the time.

Yeah.

We were financially struggling. Yes. Our first son was born kind of sort of still in the midst of all of that.

Yes. And I had postpartum depression that ended up lingering and went into major depressive disorder and an anxiety disorder.

So we were a hot mess.

It was a hot mess. And then, you know, and then you, I think, had a relapse or two in the midst. So that, as is very common when you're coming out of any kind of addiction. And it was, you know, it was just a lot that we were going through. So, Dave, what would you say? Like, I'm trying to think back on that time and things that really helped.

Us specifically, I think that you have to. The healthy. Getting healthy yourself is a gift to your spouse. First off, that's because.

Write that down.

Yeah, it really.

Write that down. That is because. Huge.

Yeah. I think sometimes we're so focused on each other saying, oh, I got to help them. I got to help them. But sometimes the best way you can help them is for you to get healthy. That's gonna make you. Not everybody's gonna win when you get healthier.

That's so true. Side note, if you wanna know more about how to do this, our book, Naked and Healthy, I mean, that's literally what the whole book is about. So go get that book.

That's one of our favorite. My favorite.

I love that book.

I mean, it's fun, but it's so practical.

But it's deep.

It's deep. I mean, we talk about real stuff. And that. I think that book is actually, like, just in terms of, like, ratings, is slightly the highest rated book we've ever written.

Right?

Yeah, like, in terms of reviews.

I mean, it builds on the Naked marriage, but it can stand alone too. But I mean, that's just a side note for a resource because. And that you guys, all the funds for those books go right back to exo marriage. You're not directly benefiting from that. The ministry is, and you guys will. But I just always thank you for.

Your support of the ministry.

Absolutely. But go ahead, sweetie. So, like, yes, getting healthy individually, which is one of the messages of that book, it's like, you know, your marriage will benefit from your individual health, and we have to take responsibility for that. Which I can tell this person who wrote, they each are. I mean, they're doing that.

Well, the first step, I think, is what they've done, you know, recognizing, okay, this is a pattern that isn't the healthiest that we need to work through. Also recognizing some of the roots of that pain. You know, that one has trust issues that they got from being burned in the past. And so that's natural. When you've been wounded someplace, you're really protective of that wound because you don't want it to get hit again. And, you know, the other from the childhood trauma, which just creates so much. Because when you're a kid, I say it's like there's wet cement in your mind and heart. And whatever happens to you creates impressions in that cement that hardens over time, and you start to see yourself in the world around you in light of those early impressions. And it can take a lot of healing And a lot of time to undo the wrong impressions in those early years.

And.

And so I think therapy is always a great, great step, whether individually or as a couple, to talk to someone and to work it out. You know, Ashley, with her biblical counseling degree, is helping folks all the time through all different kinds of things. There are so many people out there, though, that want to help. Like, they have that gift of encouragement, counseling. They want to help you find a good Christian counselor and talk about it, you know, or talk to one of the marriage mediators we have at Exo Marriage, our own ministry. I would say try to not, like, be quick to point out, like, every time your spouse is stepping back into that old pathology of like, you to let your defenses down a little bit. If the one with trust issues is doing something that let you know, like other their trust issues flaring up instead of just attacking them, like, stop punishing me for something somebody else did. Stop, stop thinking I'm like, that. I'm not. Instead, to try to approach them with compassion as someone who's been wounded and realizing that what they're saying, what they're doing is not a reflection of you. It's a reflection of this wound someone else inflicted that as their spouse, you have the privilege and the responsibility of doing your part to help heal, even when sometimes you're being wounded by it as well. And you have to have boundaries in place to protect both of you through that process. Because hurt people hurt other people, whether they mean to or not. But you have to just by start with a commitment to having a lot of compassion for each other, a lot of grace.

No, that's such good advice. And I think assuming the best of each other, not putting, you know, again, our heads in the clouds and address. If you see a major issue, if you see major backtracking, like a relapse or, you know, unhealthy behaviors of any kind, address it, but in the most loving way possible. You guys, like, I cannot stress that enough. I mean, that's why the Bible says speak the truth in love. And it doesn't say, you know, don't ever tell them because that's gonna hurt em. It says speak the truth, but with love. So, you know, and I know if you're not accustomed to that and maybe you're like, no, I am. I just tell it like it is. I get that. I'm refreshed. Like, I love it when someone is honest with me, but. And you're always honest with me, but I want it in a loving way. You know, I was just talking to our son this morning. He felt like I was rushing him, and he kind of snapped at me about it. And it's like, I'm glad he informed me that he felt really rushed and he needed to tell me that. But how he said it is everything. And so I had this talk with him, and I think we do this with our kids. We're like, listen, I want to hear what's on your mind and heart, but you can't say it in that way. You can't shout it at me. You can't, you know, throw something as you're doing or whatever it is.

Yeah.

And I think tone matters. Tone matters, right? And I think in the same way as adults, sometimes we forget that. Like. And I just want to say this, too. I think sometimes we'll take that extra step to say what we. What the truth we need to say to our kids. We'll try to be extra tender, but we forget to be tender with our spouse. But being tender is important.

Oh, yeah.

And. And I think that we've. We've got to just sometimes take. Take a beat, you know, take a minute or two or three or five, and. And just gather yourself and think about, okay, how can I say this in the best way that I feel like it's not offensive, but it's truthful. And I'm telling you, that will go a long way, because so many times we end up just, you know, our emotions, you know, get the better of us. And, you know, the term that's often used is we get flooded. We get flooded with the emotions, and we. And then we can't. It's like we're off to the races, and we're just, you know, giving them word vomit, and we don't mean it. And then there's this. This damage done, and then there's. We feel like we're backtracking, okay? And so it's the better thing that we can do is just take a moment. And I think, too, you know, one thing in this question, she said, we don't want to be each other's therapists. In the same way of kind of putting yourself in that posture, we can also become parental, okay? And those are not good dynamics. We're not supposed to be each other's therapist. We're not supposed to be each other's parent. And so I think we need to remind ourselves, you know, kind of in our mind, remind ourselves, like, this is my husband. This is my wife. You know, this is my son. This is not my son or daughter. This Isn't my counselee like, I. This is my person. You know, I need to talk to them like they're my person and be honest. And I think one way you can do this is each day, especially as you're in the midst of healing and trying to deal with past trauma or deal with whatever it is you're. You're dealing with, is to say, how can I help you today? Like, how can I make your day easier? Take something off your plate. And what it does is two things. First of all, it meets a practical need in your spouse, because odds are there is something that you can do. But number two, it takes you off of yourself a little bit, because when we're going through trauma, we get so focused. I mean, it's okay. I mean, in therapy, you're focusing on you and trying to deal with your stuff, but when it becomes all about me, my. My stuff I'm dealing with, we can get really selfish. And so when we put ourselves in the heart posture of trying to meet a need in our spouse, which we should do anyway, even if we're not going through trauma, I feel like it just puts us in that right position of. Of resisting selfishness.

Yeah. That's so good.

Yeah.

And selfishness is something we all struggle with.

Oh, yeah.

Every one of us. But it's also the very thing that will undo a marriage if it. If it goes unchecked. And so start there. We're all good at spotting our spouse's selfishness.

Yes.

The only selfishness you can change is. Is the. The one you see when you look in the mirror. Like, what? God, what can I do? Search my heart.

Yeah.

Where is it that I have become selfish? Where is it that I need to change? Where is it that I need to be softer and more tender with my spouse?

And.

And if we'll take that approach, both spouses will take that approach. It'll make all the difference in your marriage.

It will.

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Thank you all so much for joining us on this Hump Day Q and A. And we will see you next time.

Bye, guys.

Thank you all so much for listening to today's episode of Hump Day Q and A. We love getting your questions and we want to answer your question. So if you go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com you can submit your question right there. Or you can follow us on Instagram Ave and Ashley Willis and you can give us your questions right there by giving us a dm. So we'll catch you next time on Hump Day Q and A.