Past Trauma is killing Our Marriage // Hump Day Q&A

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You know what time it is, sweetie? It's hump day. Q and A time. Hump day, Q and A. Hump day, Q and A. Welcome to the Naked Marriage Podcast. Hump day, Q and A. We love answering your questions. So every Wednesday we're dropping a special podcast episode focused on one of your questions. You can submit your own marriage related question online@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or by sending us a message on Instagram aveandashleywillis. We've got a great question today, so let's dive in. All right, guys, we have the amazing Rachel Gilbert joining us again. Welcome, Rachel.

Hey, Ashley. Good to be back.

So glad to have you back. And today we're diving much deeper into these body image issues. And actually, before we actually started this podcast episode, Rachel shared with me that she's been receiving a lot of messages from her last episode on the Naked Marriage podcast where she talked about body image and marriage and, and that a lot of people are really wanting to understand how maybe past sexual trauma plays a role in their. In their sex life and marriage and those insecurities with body image. And so we're going to talk about that. The question specifically is how do I know if past sexual and other body related trauma affects my sex life with my husband? So this is one that wives are asking. And Rachel, I would love for you to answer this. I know you have so much expertise in this area.

Yes, well, as a trauma informed therapist, this is what I deal with a lot. I do practice EMDR and therapy. And to answer that very simply, if you have any trauma at all, whether it be sexual or even body related. And what am I? What I mean by body related is any kind of injury or major anything that was traumatic to your body. I know for me, even I had an emergency C section and that was a traumatic thing for me. I had a miscarriage. And again, that was very traumatic. And so trauma in your body can come in all shapes and sizes. And so if you just recall just for a second, like, yeah, I either have maybe some sexual related things from childhood or especially from childhood, but then even a past abusive relationship or then any of the body related things. And you know that you haven't processed it, like, meaning you haven't gone to the Lord with it. You haven't talked to anybody about it. By the way, if we can't talk about something, it owns us usually. And then you haven't gone to therapy, you haven't done any of the things to kind of get up and out. Chances are it's affecting you somewhere in your life. Now, can I promise that it's your sex life? No. Without doing an individual session with you, I can't. But I can pretty much guarantee it's coming up somewhere in your life, especially when it comes to anything body related. And this is a passion I have when it comes to body image, because this is a angle of body image I hadn't really seen addressed too much that I see as a very common, common theme. And that is just unprocessed trauma. So that's the first thing that I like to just tell people is, hey, if you know that you have some trauma you haven't worked through, it's pretty. The chances are pretty high. It's probably affecting you more than you realize. But Ashley, if you want to ask me any more direct questions about this, I'm happy to go there. Yes.

Like, I think that, I love that you are addressing that it's not just past sexual trauma. Like, and what we mean by sexual trauma, that could be sexual abuse in your childhood, like she said, it could be maybe you had a partner that, that maybe there was rape, you know, maybe that there was a previous marriage where there was marital rape. It could be sexual assault at some time in your life, or it could be just that you have like, I think even shame. Like if there's been maybe some just. And it's become trauma, like it's gone from shame to like lasting trauma where you're holding onto these things and you feel like you can't even enjoy sex because you feel so bad about things you've done in the past. And so that that's kind of the sexual trauma side of it. But I like that you also, and we'll talk about that in just a minute. But I like that you also address the body side of it. What came to mind when you said that specifically was friends of mine who've had a double mastectomy and that, I mean, I'm sure you've dealt with people with that. That is a shock, you know, to the body where you once had breasts and then Maybe you don't have them for a time, maybe you do get a reconstruction. People choose different paths there. But in my friends who've gone through that and survived cancer but had to get a mastectomy, I just remember one of my friends in particular talking about how it was so bizarre, even though her husband was totally so supportive and said, I desire you. It's not changed and your body is beautiful. And totally reassuring her. She said she just had the hardest time and it was like a grieving process because it was things that once, you know, were in all the trauma with chemotherapy and everything that she had to go through. And I've heard similar accounts from other illnesses where whatever it is, it changes your body. That really can affect things, especially when it does come to sex and how you see yourself and how you see sex and what you're assuming your spouse thinks of. And so I love that Rachel, as a therapist addressed this. And I think this is one of those subjects in particular, whether it's sexually related or just body related, both can be so, so deep seated. I really think that if we are dealing with these in particular, we need to go see a Christian therapist who is trauma informed. What do you say about that, Rachel?

Yeah, I do too. Because there is, there's just layers of healing, for sure. And the Lord always is so gracious to give us what we need in those seasons. And I've noticed though that when he starts to bring something up, it's good to pay attention to it and then, yeah, to have that safe space to walk through something. Because I can't tell you the number of people I've counseled, women I've counseled who have told me something that they've never shared with anybody else. In fact, I had a 75 year old patient once Tell me, I needed you 40 years ago. And my heart is, don't let 40 years go by before you start to deal with some of these things. And that's what I feel like the Lord is calling up and out. And the other thing I want to address is the difference between big T and little T traumas that, you know, this is becoming a little more known. But in case somebody doesn't know a big T trauma is some of those things that we've already been talking about, right? Like the, the double mastectomy or the sexual abuse. Those are big T traumas for sure. But the ones that go, they slide a bit more under the radar, but can actually be just as impactful in a negative way in our lives are the small T Traumas. Because those are the things that you may not ever tell anybody about. Maybe something embarrassing that happened in the third grade or even, like how kids can be curious sexually and touching body parts and things like that and not fully understanding what they're doing at the time. And then, like you said, shame creeps in because later they realize, oh, now I know what that was. And, you know, they start connecting dots. And those are smaller T traumas. And the thing about small T traumas is it's kind of like building a stone tower. Every time something happens in that area, you're stacking another stone, another stone, another stone. And so then that's why you. 20 years later, you're going, why am I stuck in this one area? And chances are it's often from several small T traumas that over the years have just stacked up, stacked up, stacked up. And then back to your point about seeing a Christian therapist who is trauma informed. What they can do is go, let's see where this began so we don't have to process all those stones. I like to just clear the air there. Like, you don't have to go through every single memory. But if we can find the core memory and process it, it's kind of like those Jenga things. You know, you pull that bottom one and you're like, woo. And then they all come tumbling down. That's what happens when we, when we really find the root of it with the processing, the small T traumas.

I love that picture of the Jenga things because to me, the minute I had that picture in my head and you said, you're pulling that out, it's relief, you know, it's freedom. Like, that's what, that's what you can get when you, when you do that and when you, you do the work and you go to a therapist and you work through these things and get to that core belief. I mean, it's so powerful. And so I just, I love that you said that. And I feel, I hope people hold onto that picture. If that's you. If we've described any kind of, like she said, small T trauma, big T trauma, if you've gone through any of these things and just really anything that you feel like you've been holding onto that's holding you back from having a healthy body image and a healthy sex life with your spouse, please go. Don't wait 40 years. Like Rachel said, go and see a Christian therapist. And I want to say real quick, we don't have a lot of time, but I said I would come Back to the sexual trauma piece. You know, with so many couples we work with, we hear from them and they haven't told their spouse, like, they have been sexually abused. And that's this huge, big T trauma in their past. But they just have never told their spouse because they're so afraid that it will weird out their spouse or their spouse will look at them differently and not be able to handle it, and it will totally change everything. But then on the other side of that, when we've encouraged people, you know, and you got to have a naked marriage, you got to be vulnerable. And I know this sometimes takes some time to process, especially in getting therapy and working through it, but, you know, when they do have that, that hard or awkward conversation, they. That's another little Jenga piece when it comes to just the wall that might have been in their marriage. And it's like, you know, all of a sudden their spouse too, is brought into the picture of like, oh, it's not me that you maybe are saying no to. It's because you have all this hurt. You know, our friends Jimmy and Irene Rollins. Actually, those of you who are watching listening, go check out their podcast. This was a big piece in Irene's past. I won't give it away. But if you go to the two become one or two. Two Equals one, I think is what it's called, Two Equals One podcast. She shares so beautifully about her own past with this. And if that is, if sexual trauma is part of your past and you've never talked to your spouse about it, please go listen to their podcast and also get Rachel's book Image Restored and also talk to someone just like Rachel. And in your community, you can find these Christian therapists who are trauma informed. And I'm telling you, you could have that breakthrough of that Jenga piece coming out and all of these. These things tumbling down and having that freedom. And that's what God wants for you. And we hope that this was an epiphany in your walk towards freedom. And Rachel again, thank you so much, guys. Join us next time for more about image and marriage. Thanks again, Rachel.

Thanks, Ashley.

Thank you all so much for listening to today's episode of Hump Day. Q and A. We love getting your questions and we want to answer your question. So if you go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com you can submit your question right there or you can follow us on Instagram avanashleywillis and you can give us your questions right there by giving us a dm. So we'll catch you next time on Hump Day. Q and A.