Sex After Having Kids

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Hey guys, welcome back to the Naked Marriage podcast where we undress the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. We are Dave and Ashley Willis and we're so excited that you're joining us. We've got such an important topic today talking about sex after kids. There's going to be a lot of laughter. I know this is a serious issue. We're going to talk about the serious stuff, but there will be a lot of laughter along the way. But before we get into it, I want to give a quick shout out to some of the people who've given a shout out to us. Because when you leave a review about this podcast podcast on itunes or wherever you're listening to this podcast, it helps other people discover it and we are so thankful for your your kind reviews. So Ashley's gonna read a few of the recent 5 star reviews and thank you for these.

Yeah, this is from Gracefully Broken. It says, I just started listening to this podcast and can't get enough. My marriage is in the beginning of a healing stage after some major heartache and listening to Dave and Ashley has been comforting and encouraging. We love that. Thank you for sharing that.

Thank you. That's so good.

And this is from GBCB Dave. It says whatever point you are, you owe it to you and your spouse to check out this podcast. So much wisdom, insight and inspiration in a matter of 30 minutes. I started reading their book as well and can't put it down. Keep up the great work. Worth the bingelisten.

I love that. Thanks for listening and for reading. And of course now you can listen to the book too. The Naked Marriage is also available as an audiobook. So thank you guys for those reviews. That means so much, sweetie. You excited to dive into this topic?

I really am. And just to let you know, we're going to be honest as we usually are, but we really go there and we share our own personal stories about, you know, how to get back the passion and how to make sex priority after having babies. And so let's dive in and we laugh a lot. We do.

Let's have fun.

You know, this is such an important topic that we're discussing today. And it's one that Dave and I completely relate to.

So important. Yes. Because, oh my goodness, all of our sex is sex after kids.

That's right.

And it has been for a long time. So we can relate to this. But this is a real thing. And just being able to talk about it in a very, very unfiltered way, honest way. This is just an honest, open, judgment, free conversation zone here. Because I think a lot of times we don't know where to turn. You know, who are you going to call when you have that first kid and you're having maybe sexual struggles and it's a real awkward conversation to have with your mom or somebody.

Oh, yeah.

Even though, you know, maybe you have that kind of relationship where you can. But we just want to. We want to talk about it because we've been there through a variety of different things that have kind of created some uneasiness or some. I don't even know what all the words are related to. Sex after kids. And. Yeah. And so we've had four. We've got four little boys. I mean, I say we. Ashley did all the work.

Joint effort.

You women are so much tougher than men. I was there live for the birth of all four boys, you know, right there watching them make their debut. And I'm telling you, there is no man on earth that is tough enough to do what you ladies do. Just in awe.

It's so sweet. Like, I. For those of you who have kids, I know you remember those times, like when you were giving birth or having a C section. All the different, you know, details we remember. Usually we don't remember the bad things, which is great. I think it's God's way of saying, hey, you may wanna have another.

Right? Yeah. You just forget about that, you know, you do.

And it's like, you know, it's just amazing and you know, all the different stories. And I just think about Dave smiling like he was. Even though I know a lot of people, men and women, it's very, like, overwhelming to witness that and it traumatizing because there's so much at stake and you just wanna make sure everything goes okay. And the doctors are doing what they do well and nurses are doing what they do well. But I just remember, you know, Dave giving me the thumbs up and saying, you're doing so good and smiling. It was like the sweetest thing. And then he wanted to, like, pat me. And I'm like, I don't want anyone touching right now. Yes. So it's like, yeah. All Those fun memories.

When I have a cold, I don't want anybody touching me. So I can't imagine pushing a human being out. I just. Yeah, you were way tougher. Yes, but afterwards, like. Right, so like fast forward past the birth of that first child or any child. And afterward, you know, there's a six week period, you know, doctors usually recommend six weeks where you can't have sex just because of, you know, the woman's body is recovering from the trauma of childbirth. Sometimes it's a longer period of that. If there's been any kind of tearing, if there's been any kind of other circumstances, I think maybe with C sections it could be even longer.

Yes.

Six weeks, though, is a long time. And often there hasn't been a lot of frequency leading up to the birth itself because there's a lot going on with the mom's body. So by this point, there can be a lot of stress. There's physical exhaustion. Usually both mom and dad are just physically exhausted. For a lot of the men I've talked to, and I can relate to this, you're physically exhausted, you're stressed. Most men view sex as their primary form of stress relief, that, you know, it helps them de stress. And now you're more stressed than you've ever been. And you can't do the one thing that removes stress and that creates more stress. And if you're not careful in that period of waiting, there can be some tension and some, you know, you can say and do things that are going to potentially be hurtful to one another. That's going to add to the stress.

Oh, absolutely. I mean, I remember those days. And even with the stress, there's exhaustion, which even adds a whole other level. We're just like so worn out. And it really is those early days after you have a baby. It's this kind of exhaustion that is just unlike anything I've ever experienced. And you're barely kind of functioning and you're just trying to make it together. And like Dave said, you know, sex is something that can really bring a couple together unlike anything else. But really for that six weeks or even longer, you. You can't do that. And what you can do, though, is really give each other a lot of extra understanding, compassion, and just room to kind of get the sleep that you need. If possible, taking turns giving each other time to get sleep, but also just having a lot of understanding and talking through these feelings. And I will say this, I think sometimes when you have to go without sex for a while, especially for women, it can make it almost. You can develop some anxiety about when you will make love again. And this is a very common issue. And I was reminded of this at a conference that we did years ago. And one of the pastor's wives at that church was sharing her own experience about this. And I just thought it was the way she shared it was so true. She said that she had to wait the six weeks. And she was feeling exhausted, obviously, but also she started feeling very uneasy about her body. Cause your body changes after having kids. And she said she started building up that moment when they would make love again in her mind and not in a favorable way. It wasn't like, I can't wait. It was like, I don't want to do that. It's worrying that she wasn't. That he wouldn't like it anymore, that she wouldn't like it anymore, that it wouldn't feel right, and that he would be disappointed in her body. And so she really built up this huge place. It just always brought her anxiety whenever she would think about it. And so it came that time when she was given kind of the clearance from the doctor. And her husband knew too. And so he's like all excited. And she said, I literally had a panic attack. And she said, I just could not bring myself to do it. So then she waited week after week.

Man, that poor husband.

And her husband, he was so gentle with her. And he was like, please, I just wanna be with you. And she said. She was like, I just can't yet. I just can't yet. And I think it was an additional month until one day she was talking to her girlfriend about it. And her friend was like, listen, you gotta just. You've gotta do this. Like, you're making it worse. The longer that you wait and you're building it up to be this big bad thing when really it's a beautiful thing. And the longer you wait, the more anxiety that you're gonna have. And so finally she was like, okay, I'm gonna do this. They made love. And she said it was like very de. Stressing for her. It was also a way to kind of get over that anxiety for her. And she said. And then she started, you know, having sex more with her husband. And she said, I. The more that we. That we did it, the more I wanted it and I felt more connected to him. And it was like, you know, she overcame that anxiety when it came to it. And so I think sometimes we can build up things in our mind. You know, things are not going to be the same after Kids, it's a beautiful blessing. But some things are gonna change. You know, you're gonna have a child in the house now. And maybe if you have multiple kids, it's multiple children. Your schedules have to change a bit, your sleep patterns are changing. And you know, it can be really hard to even sometimes find time for sex. But I wanna just encourage you and say we have to make the time. Like we make time for the things that are important to us. And so once you are given the doctor's clearance to go ahead and make love, I would encourage you to do that as soon as possible. But I also wanna say to the husbands, don't go to your wife and be like, it's about time, let's do this and put pressure on her. Just lovingly go to her and say, you know, I have missed you. I'm so glad we get to do this. Let's take things slowly because sometimes it can be, and we're gonna be extremely honest with this, it can be painful sometimes that first time, especially if you've had an episiotomy where there has been stitches down there. And so you're, you gotta take it slow. But even though you have to take it slow, doesn't mean you don't do it at all. So I'd encourage you take things slowly but, but get there.

This is good advice. We're gonna, we're gonna also talk about just sex after kids longer term. Not just kind of the six week window, but longer term. I'm gonna just talk about serving each other within that six week window. Before we jump fast forward into your head and like husbands, listen, I'm gonna challenge you, do everything you can to selflessly serve your wife during that six week period where she's going to have a lot of different emotions. Her mind, her body, everything has just been through like this traumatic situation essentially. And now there's this joyous child, of course, but there's a lot that she's going through mentally, emotionally. You know, Ashley went through a bout of postpartum depression after one of our kids. You need to be sensitive to everything that your wife is saying and is doing and just serve her. I mean serve her and ask nothing in return for as long as you can. Just in general, I think that's good advice. But especially during those six weeks, the things that you say and do will matter more. They will carry more weight during that period of time than maybe any other. Now for the moms, and I'm not get graphic or anything else, but if there's a Long period of time, just in general, whether it's after having a kid or some other issue where there's a long period of time where intercourse itself, like, can't happen. Right. Like, I would challenge, I would challenge the, the mom, the wife to, you know, to be open to like, sexual play, to other forms of kind of sexual contact that are going to, you know, bring pleasure to your husband and connection to the two of you, even in that period where you physically can't. You guys can use your imaginations. You know, I'm not going to like list out sex acts or anything, but the bottom line is sex is more than just the act of intercourse. And I think that if you'll make it a priority to stay connected in that way, even if there are medical or other reasons why for a period you might not be able to have intercourse. Intercourse, yes. There's still ways to have sexual intimacy and pleasure. And so make those a priority. And don't just say, okay, well we can't do, don't touch me for six weeks. Right. So that means we're not going to touch each other. It means we're not going to have any pleasure, we're not going to have any connection in that way. But use your imagination, be innovative and make it a priority. And then that's gonna make it less awkward when you do finally get to have intercourse again because there hasn't been this massive buildup where you haven't even touched each other or looked at each other. You've stayed connected physically and even sexually in a way. And so it's gonna be natural.

It will be. And I just wanna make this side point as well. If you're not willing to connect with affection and like Dave said, in ways that are sexual but are not necessarily intercourse, I think that, you know, sometimes it can lead us to temptation. So really watch yourselves during this time to not fall into bad habits like using pornography to meet your own sexual needs or fantasizing about somebody else. I mean, you really need to watch it because you can be so exhausted and feeling a little disconnected. I mean, here you've made a baby, right? But you can feel disconnected still.

Yeah, you're both vulnerable, so you have to be careful. Yes, you're both really vulnerable to lots of things. And I think especially for the guy, you can be vulnerable to some real sexual temptation where there's on demand pornography and all these things where it can lead you quickly down a path of sin that can have long term damaging impact in your marriage.

And I've talked a lot about full episodes on this.

Yeah. My own past struggles with pornography. And I remember the day, the dark grip that that had in my mind, you know, really stretching back to my teenage years. And it can. It can really just be poisonous to a marriage. So we talk about it every chance we get because we know it's such a big issue. But the best thing you can do for your marriage, one of the best things you can do to protect your marriage is to stay away from porn. You know, just. It's. It is not going to meet any need. It's only going to invite poison into the relationship.

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Hey, welcome into Walgreens.

Hi there.

Hey.

All right, hon. I'll grab the gift wrap car and, oh, those stuffed animals the girls want.

Great. And I'll grab the string lights and some. How about I grab some cough drops? This is not just a quick trip to Walgreens.

I'm fine, honey.

Well, just in case. You know what they say, tis the season. This is help staying healthy through the holidays. Walgreens. So just kind of getting practical here, you know, before we again jump ahead to kind of just life after having the babies and you're trying to have a good sex life with kids in the house, but just for those people who are maybe having a first child or maybe they're having another child. Sweetie, you've had four babies. Is it different? Is it physically different? Does it feel different? Is the whole process of sex different after having a baby? What's that like?

Oh, it's totally. It is different, especially in the beginning. And just practically speaking, and I'm just extremely honest on here, so for those that you don't wanna hear honesty, I'm sorry, but I feel like we have to be honest if we're gonna really get to the root of what we're dealing with. And so, you know, just practically speaking, if you have a vaginal birth, things are loose down there, let's be honest. And it's gonna take a while for things to get back to normal. And the truth of the Matter is things get more back to normal when you're nursing. It can kind of help to draw on the uterus and make things tighten up. But many people don't nurse, and so sometimes that takes a little longer. And when you are nursing, you know, it can cause a lot of issues. I mean, you're basically like your breasts all of a sudden are working. Breasts, right? Like, it's not just.

They're not just for show.

They're just beautiful. Okay?

They're not just.

And so, I mean, we're just being super honest. So it's like, it's just. It takes a lot from you. I mean, it takes a lot from you. With my first child, with our first child, Cooper, he was like, nursing was so hard. And I ended up having to give it up after three months of just trying my very best. So then I'm dealing, so I'm trying to do that. And then you're just physically, you know, it sometimes can hurt you because you're filling up with milk and then you're pooing up.

It was the hardest one, right? All the other ones got easier.

But with him, yes, it was so hard. So I ended up having to not do it after three months. And then I felt very guilty about it, which I think sometimes we just do to ourselves. We make ourselves feel guilty when we don't need to do that. You know, God's not looking and pointing his finger at you just because you had to give up nursing, right? It's like, do what you can do and know that you're gonna get through this. Right? And so with Cooper, and we dealt.

With all that, he's like our healthiest kid, by the way.

He is so healthy.

So like, you breastfed the other ones.

Way longer, like for a year.

But Cooper's the one that never gets sick, never has allergies, you know?

So ironic, right? Please don't write me about breastfeeding. Okay? I just wanna say that right now.

Yeah, we're for it.

We are for it. But I just wanna say there's a lot of grace coming from us on this issue.

So I think one of the babies tried to latch onto me once. I kinda do have man boobs. And I became even more self conscious.

That is not true.

One of them tried to latch onto my furry n. Oh, my goodness. That's crazy.

No. So back to after having a baby. So you have. If you're nursing, even if you're not nursing, things are a little different there. And then it can be just feeling different down there. Especially if you had I mentioned earlier an episiotomy, there can be stitching. I've had some friends where it was so bad that they had to wait longer because there was just major trauma. And so you have to give yourself. This is talking specifically to, you know, the married moms that are listening. You have to give yourself a lot of grace, too, because I think that, you know, after that period of waiting, we can have sex, and then it feels different. Then all of a sudden, we get sad because we're like, oh, it's just never gonna be the same. You know, my body's never gonna be the same. It's never gonna feel the same. And then I'm sure my husband doesn't look at me the same way. And we just need to give ourselves some grace and know that, yes, things are a little different, but that doesn't mean it's bad. It's good, you know, and you're growing together, and now you have this child or maybe multiple children in your home, and that's a beautiful thing. And so we need to just really, I think, not be so hard on ourselves, but really give ourselves grace. Cause what I find is when I'm hard on myself, especially when it comes to my body or just feeling overwhelmed, it totally kills my sex drive. And so I really have to free my mind of that. And sometimes it takes me praying. I mean, there's been times I've literally prayed, you know, God, help me to embrace, you know, sex with my husband. Help this. To this connection to enhance our marriage. I don't think. I think sometimes people think I could never pray about, you know, sex. Like that is so off limits. But God created sex.

God wants to hear.

That's absolutely on the table for prayer.

You know, and discussion and everything else, right?

Absolutely.

Yeah. I think a lot of times a lot of our sexual frustrations come because of isolation. We don't talk about it. We don't pray about it. We just. Yeah, it just. We don't ever deal with it. And so that's the whole. One of the big points of this podcast and our book, the Naked Marriage, as well, is to just help spark these healthy conversations. And so, you know, thank you, by the way, for those who've given great feedback on the book. The audiobook is out now, so you can take your smartphone, you're listening on, and go to itunes or audible and download it now. But moving ahead to what about when you have kids that are a little bit older? All right, so like, fast forward. And for the last part of this episode, we were maybe done having babies. Like, you know, Ashley and me, we're done. Done having babies. At least biologically, you know, I got. I got the snip, snip. It's been my only time in stirrups, which was, you guys are hearing way.

More about us than you ever wanted.

To, which was its own traumatic situation. I. You know, not to get sidetracked, but I was just so hoping I wouldn't recognize anybody while I'm in stirrups. Totally unique.

Let me just say.

I'm so glad you got to experience stirrups. I feel closer to you because we've both experienced stirrups.

Yeah, it was bonding.

It's bonding.

Bonding wasn't what I was thinking about, though, when I was exposed and you know, having, like, two dudes in there. But then I was like, well, at least there aren't any women in here. And at least I don't know anybody. And then this female nurse walks in and says, oh, my gosh, Pastor Dave, you know, and she, like, went to my church, and she so wanted to talk it up. She just wanted to talk about, like, lots of things. And I was friendly, but it was the most awkward conversation I've ever had in my life. So that's a totally different issue. This has become therapy for me. I'm just talking to you guys about traumatic experiences I've had. But this isn't about us. This is about you. And this is about you having a great marriage and a great sex life after kids. So I was saying all that just to say we've been dead having kids for a while now. Our youngest is 4, but with kids in the house. We've got kids from 13, almost 14 years old, all the way down to four. And so it's a loud house. There's a lot going on. How do you kind of get the kids out of the way to have that mommy, daddy, alone time? And this takes some creativity. This takes some real creativity.

It does. And I know for us, I think our older ones have figured this out, but we'll be like, mom and dad are going to get ready. And that's just what I say. We've said that literally for years. And so now Cooper, like, I know he knows, and he's just like, oh, gosh.

Yeah.

But, you know.

Well, and they. I think they know to stay away. Cause they walked in on us once, right?

Yes. On vacation when I walked. Didn't work, Right.

Yeah. We were in the kid's room. Cause the only place we could go.

The Baby was sleeping in our room.

We climbed into a twin bed. And his dream, just having the highlight of my vacation. And in walks two of our sons, Cooper and Connor, who were like 12 and 10 at the time. And it was just so awkward, you know? Like, I turn around and Cooper's looking at me and he goes, dad. And. Yeah. And I'm like, hey, buddy. And then he's like, why did you have to do it in my bed?

And I'm hiding meanwhile. I mean, I don't even think they saw me. They knew something was like, they knew.

Something was going on. So I didn't jump out wrapped in a sheet like a toga and have a real heart to heart with the sons. So, yeah, that was an awkward moment.

But now they know.

They know to stay away. Now they know to stay. To knock loudly or announce yourself.

Like, Cooper will announce himself.

I'm outside your door.

I am nearing the master bedroom.

I do not want to accidentally see or hear anything.

No. But, you know, it is hard, especially with little ones, because they don't understand. And honestly, you can't leave them alone for very long. I mean, depending on their age, you want them to be safe. And I know for us, like, when they were very young, we had our first two really close together. I am a huge fan of a swing that you can plug into the wall that will go on its own and you can buckle them in.

Oh, those baby swings Savers.

It'll give you like 20 minutes. Play the music for them. Put on some baby Einstein, whatever it is, if they even still make that. Cause that was like, years ago. But, like, the swing was our saving grace, wasn't it, sweetie?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, my gosh. Because I knew they were safe.

Yeah. And then later, like, the bouncer thing.

The bouncer, yes. The jumparoo.

The jumparoo. I don't even know if they make this stuff anymore. Maybe all this has been recalled. I think they do for safety issues. I don't know. They're changing over babies stuff so fast that I was in a baby store recently for something random. And I'm like, I don't recognize any of this stuff. Like, every year they're like, no, nothing from the past works anymore. Nothing. Burn it all. It's not safe. But somehow our kids survived.

And I wanna say this too. Absolutely make sure your children are safe. And one thing too, is, especially for women, and I'm sure for men, too. I can't speak to that. Maybe Dave can. But if I feel like my kids are gonna be Unsafe. I cannot get in the mood because, I mean, it's an anxious point for me because I wanna make sure they're not gonna.

And I'm always like, they're fine.

They're fine. They're fine.

They were playing with matches and razor blades.

They're fine.

No, no, no. Cause as a guy, like, I. Yeah, you're way better at managing.

Well, I think it's just part of being a mom, you know, you just want to make sure that everybody's safe and okay. And so what I would tell you to do is, you know, either you could have them on the swing in a corner of the room where they're not looking at you, it's facing the wall, and, you know, they're safe. Or these days they have awesome, like, video monitors. And so if they're in their room taking a nap, at least you know, you can look in on them. You can hear everything. So do whatever it is that's gonna remove anxiety and is going to make sure the children are safe. But the bottom line is make it happen. Make it a priority.

You gotta make it a priority.

And that's what you just have to do what you have to do to make the conditions favorable for the child.

And it's never gonna be perfect. If you are one of these people that waits for perfect conditions, you're never gonna have sex ever again. And you're probably never gonna do anything ever again because conditions are never perfect. So don't say like, well, the kids have to be completely out of the house. And, you know, that would be long. Yeah, man. No, no, you're gonna. You are getting a divorce. If you start thinking that way, you've got to prioritize.

Well, it's just gonna, in your sex life, negatively affect everything. And you wanna have that connection.

I think about the pioneers, man. Pioneer days. There was like one family bed, and somehow mom and Dad.

I don't understand that.

We're making love, making babies, having eight or nine kids.

That is the truth.

And somehow they're all, like, sleeping in the same bed. Now, that's weird. But I'm just saying.

Just not those people.

They made it work is what I'm saying. They made it work. And so you guys have a lock on your door and your own bedroom. You got a DVD player, you know, Netflix. I'm like, old. I'm talking about you. You've got a. You've got the VHS and a record player and, you know, you've got things to entertain your children.

So I'm sorry, I can't help it.

All my pop culture references are, like, from the 80s. Yeah. So.

Oh, millennials. I'm so sorry that we're so out of touch.

Yeah, they're not even millennials. They're like, whatever's after that. Only generation Y. I have no idea.

Yeah, I know. I don't know. But yes, bottom line is, there are ways. We're in times where there are ways to find time to get together, to make love, and to make it a priority.

To make it a priority.

And, you know, if you have some anxiety about this, talk to your sp. I mean, just be honest. I think we have the tendency to wanna shut down and not talk at all. Whenever we have these fears and we have these thoughts or we feel inadequate, or we are very insecure about our body, we tend to shut down. And what that tells our spouse is we don't wanna be around them, or we don't wanna talk to them, or we don't wanna make love to them. And that's really hurtful. And so we need to be open and honest. Because, ladies, if you're just totally not talking to your husband and trying to cover up your body all the time, he thinks, she doesn't want me. But really how you're feeling is, I don't want him to see me. Cause I feel inadequate. So what you need to do instead is talk to him. And I'm telling you so many times, we talk to a lot of couples, the men, they really just want you. They know that, you know, after having a baby, your body goes through changes. And I guarantee your man's not nitpicking your body. He just wants you. You know, it's a beautiful thing. And I think that when we want to cover up and wait till the perfect moment, till we feel like everything back in place after having babies, we're going to be very disappointed. And we're probably not going to come together because things do change. But we need to embrace ourselves as we are and embrace our spouse as they are and come together and enjoy the beautiful gift of sex.

Man, that's ending on a high note. I know that you might be thinking like, well, my husband or my wife, they don't want to have sex with me. I don't know if it's because of the kids or for something else. We're planning to do a future episode specifically focused on what do you do when one spouse just does not want to have sex? And we get a lot of messages about that. We do.

On both sides.

Yeah. It's not just men. It's not just women. It's a huge issue and you are not alone. And this is a really, really important topic that we're gonna address specifically. You know, one resource that can help you start having the conversations other than that upcoming podcast episode, is our book, the Naked Marriage. Thank you so much for those who've read it, who've left reviews on Amazon, and like I said earlier in the podcast, it is now available as an audiobook. So if you like listening to Ashley and I be silly and talk about marriage and talk about serious stuff too, then we had so much fun narrating this book together. You can get it on itunes, you can get it on Audible, which is part of Amazon. You can go to nakedmarriagebook.com and you can get resources related to it there as well.

Yes. So stay tuned for further episodes about this issue. If you maybe it's been a long time since you had kids and for some reason one or both of you have no desire. We're going to talk about hormones, we're going to talk about circumstances and really go deep with that. So stay tuned for that. But thank you guys so much for listening today and we will see you next time.

Thanks, guys.

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