Summer Quickies: Affair-Proof Marriage

Hey, welcome back to our sexy summer quickies on the Naked Marriage Podcast. On this podcast, we address the truth about sex, intimacy, and lifelong love. And in this series this summer, we are answering your 12 biggest questions about sex in shorter episode format so that you can, in a quickie, you can learn something new, apply it to your marriage, and hopefully this will encourage you guys.

That's right. And today we're gonna talk about how to remain both full physically and mentally monogamous. And we're gonna really talk about the mental monogamy, because I think we can all agree, you know, in marriage, it's supposed to be between two people fully committed to one another, and you're not meant to go, you know, have sex, be physical with anyone except your spouse. Right. You're totally physically monogamous. But I think a lot of us, we really don't totally pay attention to the mental monogamy.

Right. And this is huge. And this is huge maybe for reasons you've never thought of. So we're gonna have a great conversation about it. First, we want to tell you about an important resource. So check this out.

Cuando entras a Burlington encuentras precios increibles y regal los geniales Jesus energia del protagonista porque and Burlington, los ahoros festivos no son lo unico que llama la tension marcas. All right. I think this is such an important issue because mental monogamy really ends up affecting if we are being physically monogamous. Because, again, sex starts in the mind. It's really. It has everything to do with what we're thinking about, how we're thinking about it. And if we're not being mentally monogamous, then we most likely will not be physically monogamous. And I think there's this lie that so many of us believe that we will never fall into an affair. Like, we just assume, like, oh, I love my spouse and my spouse loves me. Like, that could never happen to us. But in the work that we do so many times, we will be talking to couples and they always say, I never thought this would happen. I didn't set out to do this. I was just flirting with this person, or I was just looking them up on Facebook. I never thought we'd actually connect and end up in a hotel room or even this. We've had couples where they thought that they were helping somebody, like a spouse, opposite sex. I was just ministering to that person. And then they end up just falling into an affair with all this regret and so we wanna just tell you about these warning signs and how we can actually and practically stay mentally monogamous.

Yeah, it is so, so important. Guys, your brain is your most powerful sex organ. It is not your genitals, it is your brain.

Genitals. I'm sorry, but that's.

It is just a fun word.

It's a word we don't say.

It's an awkward word. Perhaps it is a little awkward, but I feel like a middle schooler learning.

I know, I feel like I'm in biology.

Genitals. But the truth is it does all start in the brain. The Bible has a lot to say about this. Jesus said to look at someone with lust is to commit adultery. In your heart, the Bible says, as a person thinks, so they are, that God is wanting us to know that everything begins in our mind and that it matters. What happens in your mind, your thought, life matters. And, and so again, that's why the Bible that God, who created your mind and knows how powerful it is and knows how tied it is to your marriage, your life, your very soul, you've got to take more control over what's happening in there. You've got to be the air traffic controller in your mind, allowing which thoughts that can come in and land, which ones have to take off and leave. And we've got to be intentional about that. And we live in a world that kind of perpetuates a lack of mental monogamy by saying you can fantasize about whatever you want. Mainstream television, you know, a lot of the most popular shows border on pornographic and the gratuitous sex that they show. And I'm not just trying to sound like an old stick in the mud, but I'm talking about this as a guy who's had a real past pornography problem. And I'm just aware that all around me in plain sight, are these triggers that if I'm not careful, could lead me back down that very dark road and is a gateway drug, so to speak, to kind of going back into full fledged pornography where your brain can just be completely sabotaged. A lot of you listening right now are into porn. I know that because I know the stats are true. And maybe you're believing the lie that it doesn't matter, it's just entertainment that's a lie. We have whole episodes and books talking about all the research, both biblically and psychologically, of why it's so damaging. But maybe you do know it's wrong and you just feel stuck in it and there's help and there's hope. You've got to first confess it, admit it. Get accountability software on your devices. Talk to your spouse about it. This is not the end of your life. This is something you can work through. But you do have to get real about it and move on. Because porn will sabotage your marriage. And even if porn's not in the picture, those replaying mental fantasies, whether they're real, whether they're from your own past, whether they're from pornography, whether it's just something you're conjuring up in your head that doesn't involve your spouse, that stuff matters. And it is toxic to a marriage and it can lead to a full fledged affair. But even if it doesn't, it in and of itself is incredibly damaging.

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Well, it's lusting. Like you talked about, it's lusting. You know, there's a quote, and I think I may have shared this a long time ago when we first started the podcast, but it's by one of my favorite authors, Lisa Turkers, and she says the mind, the mind feasts on what it focuses on.

That's good.

And when it comes to sex, I mean, just ask yourself, am I feasting kind of with my eyes on my spouse, or am I feasting on the neighbor who happens to wear scantily clad clothes while they're running? You're so silly. But you know, like, I think it's so easy to look someone's way, but staying there with your eyes is really up to us. And we have that power. Like, I know as human beings we are drawn to, to skin, we're drawn to beautiful things. And that's okay. I mean, it's okay for someone to catch your eye, but don't let your eyes stay there. Okay? Because then you're feasting, right?

Yeah.

And then you're gonna be focused on that. And what it causes is two things it causes first, that lust. But then secondly, it causes you to maybe be disillusioned with the beautiful and amazing person you have that God has given you, your spouse. And so you're really knocked off your game when it comes to being fully committed. Committed in every way, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually to your spouse. And God wants us to be committed in every way to our spouse. And so we can't allow our Eyes to get lost in this feasting, this quest of feasting. And I do think it's so easy. You know, we talk to a lot of couples where. Especially when it comes to guys who are super visual. And I'm not saying, ladies, that we can't have a problem with this too. And especially I just want to say this real quick. You know, I think so many times we come. We come down hard on men. We're like, men are visual. Don't look at that person. Don't look at porn. Don't look at these things because you're visual. And it's gonna take you down that road. But we have something in our culture where we've made this exception for women. And you see it in movies and you see it in shows like Women hootin and hollerin'. I sound like such a Kentuckian right now. I am so hootin and hollerin. I'm sorry, it's my real woo hoo. Hootin and hollerin'. We are in Texas too.

Right?

Okay. But you know what I mean, like making these, like, we would just die if it was a man doing it to a woman. And we would recognize that's wrong. But we kind of glorify this for women doing this to men and act like it's not a big deal and it's just as wrong or as if.

It'S like empowering somehow.

I mean, that's ridiculous. That is such a double standard.

It really, really is. Yeah. You know, I think. Yeah, it is. And I give a lot of specific examples. But don't go hooting and hollering some half naked man.

I don't think I've said that in years.

I know you need to say it more often. You need to bring that. So we just, all of us, men and women, lust is not a gender specific issue.

Exactly.

We've all gotta be careful about where our eyes go and where our minds go. And we need to give all of that focus and attention to our spouse and never start comparing our spouse to other people. I wish my spouse looked more like that. I think that's one of the things that can lead to an actual affair is when you're playing this kind of twisted comparison game in your head.

Oh, it's horrible.

Making your spouse be ranked against other people. That's. That in itself is an act of infidelity. And so here are a couple quick warning signs that you could be heading. You could be susceptible to an affair. And I think one of them is where your Eyes are going. If you're justifying getting sexual gratification in your mind through fantasies that are not rooted to your spouse, if there is a specific person in your life or at your job where you're putting yourself in position to be around him or her more than you need to be looking for opportunities to talk to that person, dressing for that person. Yeah, yeah, you're. Oh, I hope he or she notices this. You know, that's so dangerous, it's toxic. Guys, we've just got to be so mindful of the boundaries that we're placing to make sure that we're not just married at home, we're married everywhere we go, online, at work, everywhere we go. We want our eyes, our bodies, our thoughts to remain married and monogamous, which means exclusively connected to our spouse.

And I would say too, you mentioned online, I think even looking up old flames online. Dangerous, dangerous territory. And you can tell yourself, well, I'm just curious what they're doing. I mean, I'm not really trying to form a relationship with them. Again, I can't tell you how many people we've talked to over the years where that's literally what they told themselves. And then they reconnected and then they end up meeting and it just leads to somewhere bad. I mean, a lot of times to an affair, but if at least an emotional affair, which is still just as damaging to a marriage. And so we've gotta be so careful because it does often start very innocently. I mean, I think that we do. You know, maybe it is just curiosity, but you can't allow that to lead you to do all these other things and just become mentally having an affair. You're just not being faithful. And so be so, so careful where your mind goes and the actions that follow.

Yeah, that is so, so true. Just, guys, don't, don't even, don't play with fire because we tend to get burned.

We get burned.

Guys, listen, that's it for today on this quickie. But we really appreciate you listening. So bottom line, don't keep secrets from your spouse. Be honest, be transparent, watch where your eyes are going, and be committed, mind, body and soul, completely to your spouse. That's going to help you have the best marriage and the best sex life. Yes. Imaginable. And so thank you for tuning in. Thank you for leaving reviews. Thank you for looking us up. Dave and Ashley Willis on social media. We love and appreciate you guys. We'll look forward to seeing you next time.

That's right. Bye, guys.