Summer Quickies: Age Differences

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Welcome to Summer Quickies. On the Naked Marriage podcast, we are Dave and Ashley. And on this podcast, we address the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And in our summer Quickie series, we do a little bit quicker episodes and we do them focused on one of your questions. If you've been listening for any length of time, you know we end every episode with Q and A. You guys send us great questions on Instagram avanashleywillis and on Facebook and on the website nakedmarriagepodcast.com the ones sent straight to the website are the ones we answer here on the air. But we love the questions you guys send and we've got some great questions we're answering all summer long. Ashley's going to, in just a second, read a review. Sometimes at the end of our episodes, I'll give a shout out to the team here in studio with us, but maybe you don't stick around till the end. So today, right at the start, I want to thank the guys here in the studio with us. We got our producer Marcus, we've got Jonathan, and we've got a special guest in the studio with us, Jonathan's son, Noah Armbruster. As far as I can tell, this is his first media credit, but you write that name down, you're going to be hearing it a lot in the years to come. You're going to listen to this years from now and say, that's Noah. No, like President of the United States Noah. Right, that's him. He was helping produce today's podcast. We're excited that he's here, 14 years old, already changing the world. So thank you, Noah, for being here. Thank you all for listening. And sweetie, why don't you share a review? Thank you, by the way, to all you guys who write reviews. We read everyone, we love them and they really encourage us. Even the negative ones encourage us in some weird way because they kind of. Well, maybe not as much. We certainly appreciate the more positive.

Thankfully, they're mostly positive. You guys are sweet. Even, like, even ones if they've been a tinge negative or something, it's always in a kind way. So we love our audience. Anyway, today's review is from Becca Yaretzian. White. And she gave us five stars and says, great podcast. She says this. Been married for over a year and have really enjoyed listening to this podcast. My cousin's wife, Carolyn suggested it to me when I got married. Wish I had started listening to it sooner. I just thought, are these related to those Yaretzians who are great friends? And I guess they are. And I didn't even know it. So that's so cool.

So we read this review not even realizing it, but Curran and Carolyn Yuretzian, two of our dearest friends. In fact, Curran just stayed at our house.

He literally just stayed at our neighborhood. Yes.

So if you guys are listening, we love you guys. Can't wait to get you to the neighborhood.

We do. And thank you for suggesting the podcast. All right. I'm so excited about today because we are going to address a question that we've not only heard from this particular person who wrote this question, but we've heard it from a lot of you. And so we've never addressed this before, but it has to do with, with age differences. Do you want to read the question, sweetie?

Yes. Great question, Great topic. So the question says this. I'm 12 years older than my husband. What kind of advice do you have for us as we go through life with this age difference in regards to our changing sex drives, me hitting retirement before he does, and other life markers not always matching up? And we do get this question quite a bit because, you know, there are vast, there are all kinds of different dynamics that married couples find themselves in. And this age one isn't one that's talked about nearly enough. Because if you're more than just even a few years older than one another, then you can feel that difference just in terms of entering into life seasons at different times, having a different kind of shared perspective over the past, depending on what you grew up experiencing. And all of that, of course, is something that can be overcome, but they are things to be talked through. And, you know, we talk to people who have, you know, like this, a 12 year gap in marriage. We talk to others who have a much more drastic gap in marriage, a full generation between, between the two of them. And so we just thought, this is a great topic. Let's explore this a little bit more.

That's right. And so I love, you know, this person being so honest because it is, I think sometimes what we do is act like it doesn't matter, like, well, age just doesn't matter. And I think what they're trying to say is it doesn't bother me that we have an age difference because they want to reassure their spouse. Like, it doesn't bother me that you're significantly younger or. Or that you're significantly older. But really, it does matter because it is going to affect things. And first of all, you'll see it in kind of your own childhood memories. And like, you know, couples we know that have this similar age gap, they'll often joke about it. They'll be like, you know, well, when I was.

My pop culture references are different than yours, totally different.

Or, like, the music they listen to or, you know, I mean, there's all kinds of things, how they were raised, even, like, trends in parenting when. How they were raised. And so, you know, just like any married couple, even if you're similar in age, you're coming from slightly different backgrounds. But I do feel like when there's a huge age gap, you just see that. You see more differences with that. And so I would say it always starts with communication. I mean, communicating how you feel, being respectful. It's okay to joke. I mean, my goodness, it's. It's okay to joke about the difference because it's the big, you know, it's the elephant in the room, and both of you need to have, you know, you know, be lighthearted about it in those ways. But if there really is a concern or a misunderstanding, it really starts with honesty. I mean, this whole podcast, Naked Marriage, it's all about being honest and vulnerable. And so be honest and say, like, listen, I've noticed recently that there's just been some changes, you know, that I think are natural, like, with the aging process. And I just want to talk through this because I'm, like, a decade behind you, and. Or maybe it's two decades. And I just want to make sure that we both gracefully walk into this. I don't want you to feel like, you know, you can't keep up with me anymore because you're older. But I also. I don't want you to think I resent you because you're aging, you know, and so I think it's about being really honest and respectful. And you. You always, when you start there in any kind of conversation, even if it's not like an age difference conversation, you're going to get farther, farther with kind of some, I guess, some ground rules, for lack of a better word, or some. Some things that, like, you want to do as a couple to make this. This difference, not the issue between the two of you. Because it doesn't have to be an issue.

No, no. I think that's great. It really does come down to communication. One dynamic I'd like to explore because something I'm very self conscious about. What about those people who are in situations like us where the husband looks 20 years older than the wife even though they're closer in age? You know, it's only a couple, two and a half years between us, but I, for some, some reason you look 25 and I, you know, look 50, and I'm not sure how that happened. Now that's a separate, separate podcast. You just take such good care of yourself.

My goodness. No, it's, I think, you know, no matter what age, even if there, there isn't a big age gap, I think you hit the nail on the head, sweetie. Taking, encouraging each other to take good care of yourselves. You know, in our book Naked and Healthy, which I know you guys have heard about that for the past few months, you're probably sick of hearing about it. But we do explore that we talk about these things because, you know, regardless of how close or far apart we are in age, we want to encourage each other to take care of ourselves. And I think with an age gap where this can be tricky is when you become a caretaker of your spouse at an earlier age than you were in, you know, expecting. And that's what we see often when there is a big age gap. You see, there, there's just this caretaking phase that happens maybe because your, your spouse, you know, they, they come down with some ailments that are maybe due to age that, that often happen later. Like, for example, like dementia. Things like dementia where you're, you know, you're literally needing to take care of your spouse and, and you're maybe not, you know, you're not really in that aging part of your life yet. And it can be a little bit tricky and something that you definitely have to navigate as a couple, but that.

Can happen to anybody. I mean, I think of a couple that we know, John and Don, where there's about a 20 year age gap between them. Great couple, Amazing couple.

And she's actually younger than him, right?

She's 20 years younger than him. And so she entered into it fully prepared that someday I'm sickness and in health when we say that I'm going to be the one to take care of him. And I can't wait to do that. It'll be a privilege for me to serve him in that way. But by just how life works sometimes, it actually happened in reverse. Dawn tragically was diagnosed with Ms. At.

A very young age.

Very young age. So by the time she was in her mid-40s, she'd lost a lot of mobility. And then it's continued to progress from there. And John has been the one being the caretaker and just the tenderness with which he takes care of her. And even though they thought it was going to happen in an opposite way.

Right.

But when you say in sickness and in health, you're saying either way, no matter how this goes, we're going to do it together.

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Think that just kind of to get as practical as we can about this age, different thing when we talk to couples about it, I sense that some of the tension can come when they start getting out of the partnership mentality and one of them can almost start addressing the other one from a place of kind of superiority because of their life experience. Because, like, because I'm older and wiser. And then it becomes almost this parent.

Child dynamic which we've talked about, which.

We'Ve talked about at any age, that's wrong. You have to always in marriage approach each other as equals. It can also be the younger spouse trying to take this place of superiority. Well, I'm, you know, because I'm younger, I'm more virile or whatever, more energetic. And that puts me in this place of power and I'm gonna lead because of that. But in marriage, it's humbly serving one another. It's recognizing the strengths in one another, recognizing the strengths that come from each of your unique life experiences, however many years that life experience may be. And really celebrating, celebrating one another. And just in moments when it feels awkward. Whether it's awkward in a social setting where you're mistaken because of an age gap for not being recognized as a couple, to just owning that and being able to say like, yeah, no, we, yeah, we're different ages, but we're so thankful that God brought us Together, and we wouldn't have it any other way.

I love that. And there will. And that's another thing to address. Sometimes people just aren't very graceful or don't have tact when it comes to their responses when they realize that somebody has a big age gap. But, you know, you both know God brought you together, and I think, you know, giving people kind of the benefit of the doubt and just explaining, you know, yes, we're. We're so grateful for each other, and. And yes, there is this age gap sometimes there's some unique, you know, struggles when it comes to that. But we love each other so much, and we. We just have a blast together, and we know we're meant to be together. I just love that. I want to address the sex issue because she specifically asked about changing sex drives.

And you guys always want to talk about sex. Like, no matter where the conversation is.

Going, you're like, please talk about it.

She just. She wants to. She can't. You can't stop. But, no, I love it. It was my. My favorite. I know. Favorite. Favorite thing.

You always get a smirk on your face. But, you know, it is. It's. It's a legit thing that. Especially when there's maybe an age difference. And again, our bodies change, our sex drives change as we get older. So it definitely needs to be addressed. But again, I think this is something that regardless of an age difference or not, we have to talk about as a couple. I would say this for the person whose sex drive, you know, it's maybe not what it used to be. Make sure that you're willing to get help, and we have so many podcasts about this, but just make sure that you're not like, well, I'm sorry, you married a guy, a girl, whatever, 20 years your senior. This is what you have to deal with. Like, when we put it in our digging our heels and are like, this is just who I am. That's when you just don't go anywhere. You're literally making yourself stuck. And so I would encourage you with compassion for the other spouse who's frustrated. Have compassion. Be helpful. Don't point fingers, but say, listen.

And this can happen if you're the same age.

Exactly.

I mean, it happens. We get these questions all the time from people. Yeah, they don't have the age gap, but they have the sex drive gap.

Exactly. And so I would just say, really talk about this and say, listen, we both want to make our sex life the best it can be. So what would that look like? You know, maybe it's going to the doctor and saying, like, are there some supplements that can raise my libido? Maybe it's your diet. Like, maybe you've. You've just fallen into some unhealthy habits because that literally will affect your sex drive and you're more lethargic than you used to be. And. Or maybe it's your job. Like, literally your job is running you ragged to the point where you just. You're like. The thought of coming home and having sex is just so exhausting. I would say then. Then some things need to change in your schedule because it's not healthy. You know, you want to have a marriage where intimacy is there. Intimacy on all levels. And I know there's. There's certain circumstances where maybe physically the act of sex, you know, intercourse is impossible, but there are other ways for you to be physically affectionate. And you need to do whatever you can to find. To find ways to be more physically intimate with each other. And so a lot of times that does involve counseling, doctors, it involves, you know, supplements, whatever it is. There are. There are literally sex therapists out there who can work you, you know, through some of those mental blocks that people have sometimes. And I want to address this real quick, and then we're going to have to wrap up. I think sometimes it's a mental game. I mean, sex really starts in our minds. And I think for that spouse that is older, whether you're male or female, sometimes you think to yourself, oh, they don't. They don't think I'm as great as I used to be because I'm older now or because my libido is not what it used to be. And you start to have anxiety around the issue of sex. And anxiety will kill your sex drive faster than anything else. And that's where you need to have an honest conversation with your spouse and maybe even bring in a Christian therapist and really talk through these things.

So good. And if you're the younger spouse, then look at your older spouse every day and just say, you were like a fine wine.

Fine wine.

Just getting better with age. And at every age and every stage of marriage, we should build each other up in that way. But, hey, guys, we talked a lot about the sex issue in particular, but go ahead and be ready for next week's episode, because next week's episode, the entire question is about a gap in sex drives. And we're gonna dive into that topic head on and hopefully kind of be part two of this conversation in some ways. So definitely stay tuned for that thanks so much for leaving reviews. Thanks so much for posting this on social media. Sending a text message to somebody who might be able to benefit from this. When you guys partner with us by spreading the word, it means so much. And you, you truly do become partners with us in spreading this message of hope to couples all over the world. We love and appreciate you guys. You can find us on social media. Until next time. We'll see you later.

Bye guys.

Sat.