Summer Quickies: Foreplay

Welcome to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast we undress the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And we're having so much fun in our Sexy Summer Quickies series. This is number three in the Sexy Summer Quickies where we're doing short episodes. And in these episodes, just answering your 12 most common questions about sex.

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Question is a good one and basically it is, how do I get my spouse in the mood? What is a healthy version of foreplay that is going to start all day? Foreplay is an all day event.

Oh, yeah.

And so how do I create an atmosphere of foreplay and of great expectation and anticipation? And how do we get there? And how do I learn my spouse's love language, so to speak, and really connect with him or her to. To let them know that I want this to happen and to get them equally excited. So it's really about. It's about foreplay.

That's right. And foreplay. I think we just always think it's just those minutes before we actually get into the act. But really it is all day, like Dave said. And how we do this is just through connection. It's all about connecting. And connecting in marriage starts with communicating. We have to actually talk to each other about more than just what is on the agenda, what bills we need to pay. I mean, honestly, guys, like, if you're ever gonna just kill the mood, talk about money, like, I mean, or talk about the kids and how terrible they acted today, like that's gonna just complete. I don't know, maybe you're not like me. But like, if we're gonna talk about.

It, usually a sex killer.

And, you know, so we have to be intentional again. Like, romance is really much more about intentionality. You know, we were doing a podcast not too long ago and I love how Dave said, really, you could replace the word romance with thoughtfulness. Like, it's just being thoughtful. Like thinking about what would make your spouse feel loved and respected. And that's ultimately what leads to sex. Is it's an outpouring of our love that we have for one another. But we know that, you know, we live in a world that is topsy turvy, and there's a lot on our plate, and there's just all kinds of stuff going on. And so we really do have to be intentional about foreplay, like, about doing things that we know are gonna get our spouse excited. And we talked last week about how men and women are different.

And.

And we touched a little bit on the visual nature of men, how, especially when it comes to sex, most men are extremely visual. And so just the sight of your lingerie, women would make him very excited. And, you know, it's often described, you know, as women. We're probably like, well, why is lingerie such a big deal? I mean, ultimately, you take it off, so what's the deal? And I've heard most men say, and Dave will agree with this, that it's like it's opening a gift. I mean, it's ultimately like opening a.

Gift gift wrap ever. For the one that we want to unwrap more than anything else, which is you, ladies. You know, your husband wants to unwrap you, and so burn those flannel pajamas that you normally wear and send him a picture of your lingerie. You don't have to send a picture of you in the lingerie if you're afraid that's gonna end up on the Internet or something. But, you know, just pull out your lingerie, lay it on the bed, take a picture of it, send it to him while he's at work, and just that anticipation. Oh, my goodness, that's gonna get him so excited if you'll do those little things. And for most guys, knowing that you are thinking about sex and that you are excited to connect with him in that way, for most guys, that is a difference in turning a bad day into a great day. That was initiating. Yeah. When you initiate, be the initiator. Sometimes, if he's. Whoever is normally the initiator, maybe it's normally the woman in your marriage. Guys, you be the one to initiate and let your spouse know, like, hey, I want to connect with you in this way. You know, I'm excited. I'm excited about, you know, about. About our sex life. It's. It's going to do wonders to bring you two closer together.

You know, speaking of lingerie, I think one thing that you could do, ladies, it's very simple, is get. Get some nice lingerie and then tell your husband that you have it on. Like, when you see him and be like, later today you're going to get to see this amazing lingerie that I got. And just the anticipation. I think building anticipation is very romantic and it's exciting. It spices things up. And just thinking outside of the box, you know, I, I think that do you know, with initiation, whether it's the woman or the man just coming home and saying, hey, I have a surprise for you. The kids are settled. This other thing I've taken care of, like, I've taken all this stuff off the list and so we can just go hang out and maybe have some, some love making happening, you know, later. And so it's just getting exciting about it. And I think the longer we're married, the more we have to really think outside of the box with this. But it is important to show that you're being thoughtful and not just because you're hoping to have sex at the end of this, but just that you care that you love your spouse.

Yes.

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Again, like Ashley said, you know, romance really is just thoughtfulness. If that word romance is intimidating to you, just replace it with the word thoughtfulness because that's what it is being thoughtful of. What is going to help my spouse feel connected to me, what is going to help my spouse feel appreciated and desired and then do those things and don't talk yourself out of it. You know, like Ashley said, again, get creative. You've got to think outside the box and realize that foreplay is an all day event. And really, even more than that, I think foreplay is a lifestyle like in a healthy marriage, that you're constantly flirting with each other, that you're constantly anticipating, you know, coming together in the bedroom, which should be the safest and most sacred and most fun place on earth for both of you. And God designed it that way. And if you've got baggage that is holding, holding you back from experiencing sex to the fullest because of a myriad of issues, whether it's body image issues or past sexual abuse or just any number of things. We've got entire podcast episodes that talk about most of those common triggers and common areas of baggage, and I encourage you to address those. Just address those head on and get counseling if you need counseling. Our book, the Naked Marriage is a resource where we Kind of talk about some of our own baggage and our own issues and how we've worked through that. And you can get that as a resource. But the bottom line is, don't settle for anything less than a thriving, passionate, connected sex life. Because if you're settling for less, then what you're doing is you're settling for a less than great marriage. This is an important and integral part of a healthy marriage. And your spouse wants and needs to connect with you in this way. And you've got to work at it. Both of you have to work at it. You know, sex, it's fun, but it also requires intentionality. It requires some work, for lack of a better word. And you've gotta be willing to put in that.

That's so true. And I just wanna speak to husbands for a minute, too. For a lot of women, your words of your adoration and your appreciation for her, they go such a long way in creating foreplay. I mean, it really is romantic to a woman to hear how much her husband desires her and appreciates her and loves her. It's just. It's very sexy to women. And so, you know, guys, if you've. If you've not said anything like that to your wife in a while, I encourage you to do so. And you can even write it down, like, take it, put it in a letter. Like, show her that you took the time to, like, write her this beautiful letter about how much you love her or text it to her, and then maybe even have some flowers when you get home. I mean, I'm a big flower girl. Like, I love stargazer lilies, and I love the smell of them. I love the look of them. And to me, it is very romantic. And Dave will. He won't always do it on a holiday. I mean, he will do it on a holiday. But what he'll do that even is more romantic to me is he'll do it on a random Monday, like, when it's nothing, you know, and he'll just bring it home. And it's. It just shows me that he thought about it just thinking of you, baby. I love that. And I love his letters, too. I have kept every single card or letter that Dave has given me, even up until now, like, even Mother's Day cards and anniversary cards, because that is one of my love languages. I love hearing his thoughts about me through his words. But for him, literally, I never even give him a card because he doesn't even care. So it bothered me in the beginning. Different love languages, it would end up in the trash. And I'd be like, oh, my gosh.

Show me with your actions, baby.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I like the words of affirmation. He's more. Yes. Acts of service. So, yes, you have to, you know, understand what really makes your spouse feel loved and be willing to do that. And I also think, just when it comes down to foreplay in the bedroom, tell your spouse what you like, what you like them touching, what you like them doing, what really gets you in the mood, and don't be afraid and don't necessarily do it right in the moment. We always talk about that. But, like, be willing to be honest about what you like and you don't like.

Yeah. That is so, so good. Well, guys, listen. Follow what Ashley just said. Don't forget those little touches, those little massages, those flirty looks, those compliments. Your words, your actions, your touches, they mean so much. And it's going to help your marriage. It's going to help you develop that connection both inside and outside the bedroom. We appreciate you guys listening to today's sexy summer quickie. We hope that you'll stay tuned with this all summer long and that you'll put these into practice and that this can be a summer that creates a season that extends far beyond the summer. You can be doing this in the winter. I don't care. When you're listening to this, you know, you can make your sex life a priority, and it will really, really make a big difference in your marriage. So thank you for listening. We'd love for you to connect with us on social media, Instagram and Facebook. Aveandashleywillis. You can find us there. And we hope to see you next time.

That's right. We'll see you next time.