Summer Quickies: How do I not lose my identity?

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Hey, guys. Welcome back to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast, we undress the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And in this summer question and answer series, we're doing some quickies, so to speak. We're doing a little bit shorter episodes that are fun and very specific because we're pulling from recorded live question and answer sessions we did at the Exo Marriage conferences this spring. We've got more in the coming year, so we'd love to see you at a live event. You can go to xomarriage.com to learn more. But today's question is really, really an interesting one, and I think you're going to learn a lot from the way that Ashley answers this one.

All right, the question is, how do you not lose your own personality in marriage? It's a good one. Let's dive in.

How do you not lose your own personality in marriage? So how do. And I'll say one thing and then throw this to you, and then I'm sure you have many wonderful, wonderful, wise things to say. I'm just so thankful this isn't about masturbation. I think your spouse shouldn't, being in a healthy marriage, it shouldn't change who you are, but it should bring out.

The best version of who you are.

The very best version of who you are. And I'm so thankfully married to a person who's done that for me. She didn't change who I am, but I am the best version of myself with her. And because of her, because of what God's done in my life and because of what she and God together continue to do in my life. And so I'm just so thankful. I'm just so thankful to be married to my best friend and somebody who sees me at my worst and still has the grace to bring out my best. And I feel like what you've done is an example for what, what any, any healthy spouse should do. And it's something I aspire to do. In your example.

Well, you do. I mean, and Dave does that for me. Too. And I think. I think that, you know, when we. When we come together, God wants us to be unified, but he doesn't call us to have uniformity. Like, we're not the same people. And that would be crazy. Like, we would probably drive each other nuts if we were exactly the same person. And so we wanna celebrate each other's unique qualities. And I think how we do that is the gifts and talents that God has given each of us, we try to encourage each other in those and not make each other feel bad about those things. And I think if you. You know, maybe the person who asked this question might feel like their spouse is maybe trying to squash something in them. And I would say the best thing you can do is call out those gifts and those talents that the Lord has put in your spouse and encourage them to keep going with that and maybe even walk alongside them in developing those things, you know? Cause there's gonna be certain interests that your spouse has that you don't have, and vice versa. But I also think, too, you know, I'll use this example. We had some friends of ours who we were in a small group with. And I constantly remember the husband always trying to squash some of the good qualities in his wife. And I think part of it, it was mostly his own insecurity. But he would always, like, she was this amazing cook, but it was, like, never good enough for him. And he would make a negative comment about it when other people were present. And it would just. I would just cringe inside. Cause I thought, oh, my gosh, that would hurt me so badly if that was me. And I feel so bad for her. And it was this constant trying to squash her. And I will tell you, they are not married today. Like, I mean, no matter what anybody said to him, no matter what she said to him, he just didn't see it. And he will tell you that even today, he didn't see it. And so we've gotta be keenly aware of trying to bring out the best in each other and not trying to squash those very things, the spirit that God has put in them. You know, we wanna sparkle for each other. God wants us to have the spirit, the liveliness he put in us. And, you know, yes, there's gonna be hard seasons in your marriage where you're struggling. I mean, for me, I shared earlier about my anxiety and depression. I didn't have my spark in that season. And, you know, Dave didn't make me feel bad because I was going through anxiety and depression. He would call out those things that he knows God put inside of me and try to bring out the best in me and give me room to heal and to grow. And I think we need to do that for each other. I mean, keep on encouraging each other to be who we are uniquely made to be, instead of just trying to change. To change our spouse into somebody. Because the truth is, we can't change our spouse. You know, we can't. We can't change our spouse. And honestly, all of us are changing a bit every day. But we do have a God that can constantly bring our hearts back together. And we just need to. If we're having issue with trying to change our spouse, that's really our problem, not our spouse's problem. And we need to talk to God about that and really pray. And I think one of the greatest things. And I'll end this way, that a couple can do, especially if they're in kind of a season of high tension, for whatever it is, for whatever you're going through, if you're not currently praying together, and I would even venture to say out loud and joining hands, I highly encourage you to do that. And that may seem like just hearing that may make you feel super awkward. And you're like, I don't know about that, but I just wanna encourage you to do this. You don't even have to say anything. Super spiritual. Join hands, bow your heads. Talk to God as the Father that he is. Okay? Thank God for your spouse. Thank God for what he's done in your life. Ask him for what you need, and then pray together and say Amen. And you will be amazed at what God does. He may not change your situation right away, but he will and your perspective. Because what he does is when we pray together and join hands, he humbles our hearts towards one another, and he humbles our hearts towards him. And through that, he softens our hearts. And, you know, that's what we really need is soft hearts. Because when our hearts are hardened is when we start bumping heads and we start, you know, kind of rubbing each other the wrong way like sandpaper. But when we have soft hearts, you know, we can. We can be tender towards each other and we can try to see the other's perspective, and we can get through those hard times.

Man, that was a great question. And Ashley had such wisdom in the way that she answered it and really pointing us back to the truth of who we are in God and how our marriage is going to thrive when really we make him the center and we let him be the ones who him be. The one to bring out our best and to bring us together as a couple. And when you pray in your marriage, when you look for the best in your spouse, when you do those things that Ashley was talking about, it's going to make such a big difference in bringing you and your spouse closer to God and closer to one another. Thanks so much for listening to this guys. We will see you next time.

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Sam.