Summer Quickies: My Husband Has a Lower Sex Drive

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Welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis and on this podcast we undress the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love and we are continuing in our Summer Quickie Q and A series, which is probably some of my favorite summer quickies because we are taking a whole episode. Of course it's going to be an abbreviated episode because it's summer and you guys know we're all busy doing all the things so they're shorter episodes. But we are in every episode addressing one of your questions. And if you haven't left a question yet, please go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com those are the questions that we are not only answering in the Summer Quickies, but it's also the questions we answer at the end of all of our regular length episodes. So if you don't get your question answered this summer, don't worry. We have a long list of questions we'll be working through in the next season. So before we move along I want to share one of the latest reviews with you all. Thank you all so much for taking the time to leave reviews. It is the best way to get the word out about the nature and today's review is from Caitlin L. And it's entitled Great for Engaged Couples and she gave us five stars. Thank you Caitlin.

Thank you. And congratulations.

And congratulations she said. I started listening to Dave and Ashley a couple of months ago as I am engaged to my wonderful fiance, high school sweetheart and realized I needed more biblical wisdom surrounding marriage and what it means in God's eyes as opposed to the worldview. And she says this podcast did not disappoint and shows how beautiful marriage is the way God intended it to be. My fiance and I even purchased Dave and Ashley's pre marriage course and have been loving it. The discussions have brought us together even closer than we already were and have been a true reminder to the blessing God gave us in each other. Thank you, Dave and Ashley, for such sound biblical wisdom on defeating worldly troubles and views. And thank you, Caitlin, for purchasing the Pre Marriage series that's actually called Preparing for. I do. If you want to get that, if you're an engaged couple or a seriously dating couple, you can go to premarriage.com and get that. And I'm so glad that she got something out of it. That's wonderful.

Oh, it's great. It's so wise as a dating or engaged couple to go through that kind of preparatory experience to set a foundation. Because in the work we do, we see that so many of the struggles couples face later in marriage could have been prevented or lessened, at least by just starting out and having these conversations right at the beginning of their relationship.

Exactly.

And so that course is designed to help you do that. It's a great gift if anybody in your life is seriously dating or they get engaged to gift them that course. It's all the stuff I wish we would have known before we get married.

Yes.

So you can find that. Again, not to just turn this into a commercial, but we just believe so much in this program. It's pre marriage. No hyphens or anything. Just premarriage.com you can find it all there. All right, today's question is a good one. It's kind of continuing from where we ended last week, where we were talking a lot about kind of differences in sex drive. And today's question is all about that.

It is.

And this is a hugely common issue in marriage. I mean, I would say most marriages have a pretty significant sex drive, typically.

Difference.

Difference. Yes, difference. Right.

They have a pretty significant sex drive.

And then I just left it hanging. Left it hanging there. A difference. A gap and difference. Lopsided. Thank you. Like, I would. I would not make sense if you weren't around. Like, I just. I just leave a sentence halfway done and you know the rest, though.

No, I just think it's like every spouse wants to have a pretty significant sex drive.

Like, yeah, they do.

And then just leave it there. But no, most of us, there's a difference.

There's a difference. And there's a stereotype that it's always the man who has the higher drive.

Right. And it's not.

So.

It's not. So now, most the time, statistically, it is so at least probably 3/4 of the time from the research we've done, but at least, like, a quarter of the time, it's the wife who has the higher drive. And then she feels oftentimes the stigma of, well, what's wrong with me? Because everything I hear says the husband has the higher drive. But, you know, there are millions of women out there who are the ones with the higher drive. And that's how God wired you. And that's awesome.

Absolutely.

And our question today is from one of those ladies, and we so appreciate you writing in. She says, I am a wife with the higher sex drive in our marriage. I feel like my physical needs aren't being met in our marriage. You answer questions from the husband's side of having a higher drive, but what about the wife? I feel like my husband is not interested in me as a wife. There is no connection there anymore. As a woman, how do I address this issue in my marriage? And. And I can just feel the pain in there because it's not just the frustration, the literal physical frustration of not having your sexual needs met, but it's that deeper pain of rejection, of feeling like, I'm not adored, I'm not pursued, I'm not loved and cherished by my husband. And that's a difficult place to be in. A lot of the messages we get from that spouse who feels like their sexual need isn't being met, whether it's the husband or the wife riding in, it's always this way. It's not just that physical need, that physical act that they're missing, but it's the deeper issue of I feel rejection. I feel a deep and intimate rejection from my spouse. And how do I get through that?

It's so true, you know, in her words, I just. I can feel her frustration, but also the deep hurt, because, you know, and I'm not trying to put words in this woman's mouth, but it feels like she's saying, like, he just doesn't find me to be interesting anymore or someone he desires anymore. And as women, you know, we definitely desire sex, but we also, when it comes to sex, we want. We want to know that our husbands, really, they can't live without us, that they just long for us. There's this deep longing and desire for us that they find us captivating. And we're not the old lady. Like, literally, when I hear, like, if I'm at a wedding or something, and I'm hearing people talking around me, and I hear a man refer to his wife, whether she's standing there or not, as his old lady, I literally physically cringe because he may Be joking with. With the guys. But that is like just a knife to a woman's heart. Because that's basically saying, like, you're just boring. You're boring. You're not beautiful, you're not captivating, you're not interesting, you're boring. You're old news, and I'm kind of tired of you. And so, you know, this woman, that's how she feels. She feels like she's like his old lady that he has to stay married to for whatever reason. Like, he's like, he doesn't even know anymore. And, like, why even have sex? Like, that's how she feels that he feels. But I think where we need to start with this is again, and I know you guys are like, ashley, you say this all the time, but it starts with communication. It starts with really being honest. Now, if it falls, and I have a feeling this woman's probably mentioned this to him, and if she feels like it's falling on deaf ears or. Or maybe ears and a heart that doesn't really care because he's like, I'm sorry. This is just who I am. I'm sorry that you're so horny all the time. Like, you know, like, getting those kind.

Of dismissive in a really hurtful way when the one spouse who has the higher drive, the higher need is all. Is always saying, like, I have this need. And I feel like, you know, you're not. Not only are you not pursuing me, but you're not doing anything to kind of not only meet this need, but even just kind of meet me in the middle and like, let's face this together. Like, let's work on this together. Because the one that's like, no, I just don't care. So I'm not gonna do anything. Like, you know, you might have that need, but I don't. So I'm not gonna do anything. And so then at that point, being dismissive, not only is it the pain of rejection, but then it's like, I'm not even worth, like, you making any effort to improve this part of our marriage. What? Even if it's not sex, it could be communication. Like, you know, I have a drive, a need to communicate with you every single day to have a meaningful conversation. And the other one could say, well, my communication drive isn't nearly that high. So, you know, I feel like talking maybe once a week. You know, once every couple weeks. And because that's all I feel like doing, that's all you're going to get. And how hurtful that would be. But that's, that's the way that it feels to the person when you know whether it's sex or something else. So the first step, like Ashley said, communicate. Like, listen, this is a real need. This is when I feel most connected to you and I feel like you've pulled away. And I want to explore the reasons why. Because very often if there's a drop in drive, there are reasons why. It's often medical. It can be hormonal. I had a thyroid issue. I still have a thyroid issue that when it went undiagnosed at first it was wreaking havoc on my hormones and my sex drive was out of whack. And a lot of times there's a medical explanation that's very easily fixable. Sometimes it's a deeper issue of mental health. Anxiety, depression, stress, all those can be sex drive killers that you need to explore. The root cause of why I don't have any drive. Sometimes. Not to plant these seeds of doubt in anyone's mind, but sometimes when a husband pulls away, he's meeting that need through other sources, through pornography, through self gratification, through different means that don't include his wife. And I'm not saying go accusing of that, but I'm just saying go and say, let's talk about why you don't have interest anymore and explore why you don't and then try to find solutions for it. And if they're not interested in even looking for solutions, then to me, that's the bigger issue than the lack of sex drive. Because you can't always control just in that moment how you feel, but you can always control what actions you're willing to take to make something better. And if you say, I don't care enough to take any action, and then that really is a really hurtful place to be.

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Hey, welcome into Walgreens.

Hi there.

Hey.

All right, hon. I'll grab the gift wrap cards and oh, those stuffed animals the girls want.

Great.

And I'll grab the string lights and some. How about I grab some cough drops.

This is not just a quick trip to Walgreens.

I'm fine, honey.

Well, just in case. You know what they say, Tis the season.

This is help staying healthy through the holidays.

Walgreens it is.

You know, apathy. Apathy is just. That'll break your spouse's heart so fast. Because it's that saying that you don't care. I mean, it's one thing to have a problem, but when you're apathetic about it, saying, oh, I'm sorry, we're just helpless, and this is just how it's going to be, that's just. That's so demoralizing to. To your spouse, to your marriage, to your whole family. And so I want to say this, like, if she has gone to him and she has said these things, or maybe she goes, and he's still kind of like, no, I don't think I have a problem. I think it's you. That's where you need to have counseling. You need to go to a counselor, because you're kind of spinning in circles, both of you. You know, you're feeling. You're not on the same page quite yet with this. And in order for you both to move forward towards having a healthier sex life, then you need to get on the same page about this. And again, it needs to be through both of you having mutual respect for each other and being willing to both work towards this. But I would encourage you to reach out to one of our marriage coaches here at ExoMarriage. They are amazing. You can go to xomarriage.com help and these men and women, they can walk you through this, I think sometimes to get us out of our rut, because it's so easy. Any of us can fall into this. We can fall into some bad habits or some bad ways of thinking. And maybe bad's the wrong word. Just wrong. I mean, like, it's not bad to not want sex, necessarily, but it's. It's wrong to withhold it from your spouse. You know, so it's like we fall into these. These things, these ways of doing things that aren't healthy. And when you talk to a marriage coach or a Christian counselor, maybe in your area, they can actually be this third party that doesn't know you. They don't really fully know your history. And they can kind of have a better look at the situation with fresh eyes. And that's what we need sometimes.

Definitely.

We sometimes need that third party to enter in and say, listen to the husband. Like, you're you're, you've pulled away. Like you've clearly you're breaking your wife's heart. And you probably, maybe you're busy at work or maybe you're bored in life. Like maybe you've just reached a point in your life where you're just dissatisfied with your life. But instead of really digging in and trying to do something to make it better, you are pushing away the ones you love the most. Sometimes it takes a counselor to be able to look at something and tell you really kind of what it is, and then you're able to identify it. They help you really, they help lead you to kind of seeing what's really going on. And then you can move forward with the practical steps that you both as a couple decide to do.

That's really good. And even if it's not sex related, counseling can be a game changer for all those same reasons. It's that third party, that outside voice that has no agenda other than helping you to help you think new thoughts and break out of that Ruth. And it can make all the difference. And so talk to one of our marriage mediators. Xomarriage.com help find a counselor in your area. If you'd prefer to do that, our marriage mediators can meet with you online, make it convenient. They can meet with you by phone, by Skype. So we've tried to remove all the barriers. We also have some books that could help Naked and Healthy, our newest book to get healthy mind, body and spirit to kind of get to the root of where the lack of health in the sex life is coming from and then find a plan to get healthier there. And then we also have a book that's, that's all about sex called the Naked Truth about Sex, which you can get on Amazon or@exomarriage.com that's right.

And I want to say this too. I think sometimes and this is going to really ruffle some feathers. Am I saying that right? Ruffle feathers. Okay, Russell Ruffle. I don't know. But I digress. Sometimes we need to maybe go ahead and make sex a priority and put it on the calendar and engage in it without all the feelings necessarily being, oh, for sure. And when I say that, I don't mean taking advantage of your spouse. So, so I want to make sure I make the, the clarification just serving your spouse in this way, saying like, no, I may not completely be in the mood right now or I may have a list of all these to do's, but I want to serve you in this way. And what you will find is your feelings tend to catch up. I mean, it's really amazing. And the more you have sex, the more you want it, the more you want it. And this, there's science behind this. And so I would say too, like, and I'm going to bet that a counselor might say this to you as well, maybe what you two can agree on, even though he's got the lower sex drive right now, is that you're going to have sex once a week or twice a week or whatever that number is for you to make it regular. Okay, Regular is the word. We can't be the one. So many people write us and they're like, how many times should we be having sex? We can't decide that for you. That's between the two of you and God. And again, your different sex drives that you have, but making it a regular part of your marriage, a regular part of your week, your month, your year, whatever.

And to strive to work towards doing it as often as the spouse with the higher drive desires it. And if you'll, if you'll make that higher standard the goal, then, then you know, even if you don't quite get there, you're going to definitely be moving in the right direction and you'll both.

Have your, your needs met. You're both going to feel more fulfilled when it comes to sex. And so, you know, again, never use sex. And we have podcasts, podcasts on this. You can never be like, why have the higher drive? So you have to do it this many times, because that's going to kill the mood real fast. And it's also, you know, we never. Marriage shouldn't be about forcing your spouse to do anything they don't want to do. But I feel like when we both take this posture of serving one another, of being filled with joy, just serving your spouse, knowing that you're meeting a need and that, that you're connecting with them. If we can kind of take on that posture and that, that, that way of thinking, it really tends to change things because then we're not just thinking about ourselves. And I'm not faulting this woman for just being honest about her needs, so please don't misunderstand me there. But I do think sometimes we can get so desperate and lost in our needs that, that we can kind of lose sight of, of how we ourselves can serve our spouse. And so I wanna say one last thing. I think it'd be really good if she could go to him and say, listen, what can I do? Like, what can I personally do to make sex more enjoyable for you? Is there something that I am not currently doing? Is there a position, is there something in the foreplay part that I'm not doing that I could be doing that would get us to, you know, having sex more and to, for you, enjoying it more? Because I don't want it just to be about me. I want it to be, you know, enjoyed by both of us. And I can tell in her, in her question, she really wants that. And when we come to our spouse with a question of what we can do, it's very disarming. And so I would, I would just say start there, man.

There's some gold there. Such good, such good insights from my wise and beautiful, brilliant wife. You guys might want to play back, hit the little rewind last 30 seconds over and over again. And listen, I think that's the.

I've said that a lot on here.

I know. I grew up with Blockbuster Video where you get charged if you didn't rewind. That's how old I am. So. But hey, guys, thank you so much for tuning in. Got so many more resources on these topics. You can find find them all@x omarriage.com thanks so much for being a part of this podcast family. We love and appreciate you so much. We'll see you next time.

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