Summer Quickies: What if my spouse doesn’t like my body?

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Hey guys, welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast we Undress the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And we have been loving this summer's Q and A Quickies, as we like to call them. And this is our last Q and A session from the XO Conference, which we hope you guys get to attend one of those conferences that we have coming up all the time all over the United States. And you can find out more about that@xomarriage.com but this is our last question from one of those conferences. But we have loved doing these Q and A quickies so much that we are actually going to add a little Q and A Quickie to the end of our normal episodes, which we will start back next week and we will get to hear from you. So Dave, can you tell them how they can give us their questions?

Yeah, absolutely. We are excited. We've gotten such great feedback every time we've done questions and answers that we are just going to incorporate it into the regular part of what we do, like Ashley said. So if you want to submit a question, go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com, we'll have a reminder at the end of this episode episode as well. And just running forward in the future, we'll have it at the end of every episode to remind you because we love hearing your questions. It helps us shape our podcast episodes. And then now we're also going to do specific episodes or little quickies around those questions and answers. And so we are excited to keep this going. But next week we're going to dive back into regular episodes. But today, before we get to next week, we are ending this segment of the kind of the XO Summer Q& A Quickie series with a really, really great question. And Ashley gives an amazing answer to this question. So here's the question. How do I work through my spouse not liking my body man? Such an honest, heartfelt, and in a lot of ways heartbreaking question. And Ashley has some amazing insights on this. So let's listen together.

How Do I work through my spouse not liking my body? Y', all. That. That. You know, just reading that as a woman, that just makes my heart sink, because I actually wrote this one.

I feel like you don't.

I love your body, but, you know, I do think there's times, you know, our bodies are changing. Our bodies are gonna change. They're not gonna be exactly the same on the day we got married, and it's just a fact of life. You know, we're aging all the time. For those of us who've had kids, you know, as women, our bodies go through crazy changes giving birth to children, and then maybe we have a health challenge. I mean, just being really honest, like Dave and I. I mean, we've had four kids, so my body has been. I mean, there's been, like, a.

You did most of the work wide range on that. We've had.

Well, I was gonna say, too. Dave, actually, just recently, he had a health challenge with his thyroid. And he's. For him. I mean, he looks great, but he feels like he said this, and he feels like he's keeping on weight more than usual. And so it affects both men and women. I feel like you look amazing.

I just. I feel bloated. I feel ugly all the time. Nothing fits. My hips just explode every time I eat. I even look at a burger, I just gained five pounds. Oh, my gosh. It's not like that. So what. Here's the deal. Like, we'll just kind of get. We get, like, awkwardly honest about stuff. So, you know, I had this thyroid disorder. I still have it. It's a lifelong condition. And so I'm, like, in this process of trying to get my body right because my hormone levels got all the way off for a long time. I just felt really weird. I was tired all the time. My testosterone levels had plummeted. In addition to, like, everything was off in my body, my testosterone levels were so low that I was, like, you know, not only was my energy gone, my sex drive was gone, and this created in me, like, a lot of anxiety. Like, for the first time in my life, I actually had anxiety about sex, which I never would have dreamed would have been a thing, because I just thought, well, that'll never be an issue. But now, all of a sudden, my body, my mind, everything's out of whack. And I felt like, what if I can't? What if I'm, like, physically unable to make love to my wife? And these were, like, fears and inadequacies that were, like, just really, really deeply rooted. During this season. And honestly, I'm still kind of like, I'm still coming out. I'm trying to do a lot different with medicine and with diet and with, you know, exercise. But things are just gonna be different for the rest of my life as it relates to just how my body works. And I'm trying to work through that. So I think that in every marriage, even if it's not something you can physically see from the outside of, just, oh, well, I've gained weight, or this or that. Like Ashley said, our bodies are always gonna be changing. And we've gotta constantly, I think, be vigilant to be at our best. I think the one thing we can't do is to just throw up our hands and say, well, this is just life or this is just aging. And I'm not gonn. I think that we have a responsibility to be a good steward of the one and only body, the one and only temple of the Holy Spirit that God's entrusted to us and know that it's temporary. And we're gonna one day get a new body where we can eat donuts all day and have abs. And I can't wait for that. But in the meantime, we gotta make the best use of the one we got now. And so if there's hormonal issue in your marriage, if one spouse has, like, zero sex drive and you're just like, you know what? I just don't have any sex drive. And so we're just. And we're just not gonna do it. Like, no. You know, if there's any medical way, if there's any way physically to say, let's make improvement here.

Hey, welcome into Walgreens.

Hi there. Hey.

All right, hon. I'll grab the gift wrap cards and, oh, those stuffed animals the girls want.

Great. And I'll grab the string lights and some. How about I grab some cough drops?

This is not just a quick trip to Walgreens.

I'm fine, honey.

Well, just in case. You know what they say, Tis the season.

This is help staying healthy through the holidays. Walgreens.

Some people think nature is like this, but actually, it's like this. That's why Colombia engineers everything we make for anything nature can throw at you. Columbia engineered for whatever.

Then do it. We kind of gotten way off track of that. Original question of what about when my spouse. When I feel like my spouse is no longer attracted to me. And I feel like, guys, listen, we have got to. If we will really have eyes only for each other, and if we will adore one Another the way that God called us to. I'm convinced that he is going to bind us together and he is going to keep. He's going to keep that attraction going strong. I think very often when we say, oh, I'm not, you know, I'm not attracted to my spouse or my spouse isn't attracted to me, very often it's because we've lost sight of that and we've allowed to poison our minds with all these things that Satan is doing to lure us away. Pornography is very often part of that sick game that will twist your mind into just sabotaging the intimacy in your marriage. And so I would say start there. Make sure that you only have eyes for each other. If there's porn in your marriage, get it out, get it out, get it out and get accountability measures in place to keep it out. Then do all that you can do to just be healthy. Healthy doesn't mean you look like an airbrushed supermodel. And if you feel like. If your spouse feels like they have to compete with airbrushed images of people who aren't even real, then you are not doing your job as a spouse to make them feel as beautiful and desirable as they should be always in your eyes, regardless of what the scale says about them or regardless of any of those other things, they should never feel the need to compete for your attention, they. With anything or anyone else. And so when you ask, what do I do when my spouse isn't attracted to me? I feel like most of the time that's not an issue in you. You feel like, oh, I've gained weight or whatever. I feel like that's almost always an issue in the other spouse who's allowed their mind and their heart to wander away from their first love. And it's a sin issue more than it's an eye issue or an attraction issue. And it's something that I think that God wants to. God wants to bring healing to both of your hearts in that.

Absolutely. And I wanna say this too. I think sometimes, depending on your spouse's personality, there's some personalities where in their mind they're thinking, I wanna bring out the best in my spouse, so I need to tell them that they've kind of let themselves go. And that spouse doesn't think how hurtful that is. Right. Because they're like, well, I'm a high achiever. I need to know when I've kind of lost sight of my goals. You know, that's what they're thinking. So the intention might not be bad. But I just wanna tell you, most of the time, when people hear, like, you know, some kind of derogatory term about their body, or even if you're just saying, like, you know, you've really gained weight in these past six months, like, it really is like a dagger to our hearts, and it makes us feel like your eyes are wandering, even if they're not. So you really have to choose your words carefully. The best thing you can do to encourage your spouse, especially if it's something with, like, weight gain, just kind of letting themselves go, the best thing you can do is go on a walk with them. And not only that, like, go to the gym, go do some fun activity together where you're burning calories. That's awesome. Not only are you going to help your spouse get healthier, but you're also gonna have this time where you can talk to each other. And there's literally science behind this. Okay? Science says that especially when it comes to men, men will communicate more openly when they're doing an activity with someone or when they're side by side, as opposed to face to face. And so there's lots of benefits in not only getting exercise and the endorphins that you get in exercise, but also just great communication. So you can look at it that way. But I would just say, choose your words very carefully when it comes to your spouse's body. And unless you're saying something really kind and encouraging them and adoring them, then don't say it. Don't say it.

Be your spouse's biggest encourager, not their biggest critic. Most men and most women carry around an insecurity. For most women, the insecurity that they have but do not say out loud in their marriage is they ask themselves every day, would my husband choose me all over again? Does my husband have eyes only for me? Does he adore me? And guys, everything that you say, if it is a negative thing, she is putting it through the grid of that deep need and that insecurity that is in the heart of most wives. And you're breaking her heart if what you're saying makes her feel like you wouldn't choose her all over again or you don't adore. Now, ladies, men have insecurities too. It looks different. Most men, we ask ourselves questions like this, does my wife believe in me? Does my wife think that I'm good at what I do? Does she trust my judgment? Does she respect me? Does she feel safe with me? And so, ladies, when you're correcting your husband, doing little Just correcting his work in little things or nitpicking him about little things. He's playing that against that insecurity in his mind. And what he's hearing, even if it's not what you're meaning at all, is she doesn't respect me, she doesn't trust me, and it's a deep wound for him. I think very often in marriage, we wound each other without meaning to because we as men say things to our wife and we think, well, that wouldn't hurt my feelings, so it shouldn't hurt hers. And wives do the same thing. You say something to your husband and you think, well, that wouldn't hurt my feelings, so it shouldn't hurt his. And instantly when we do that, pride has taken the place of respect and we start wounding each other. So you just have to. You have to build each other up in marriage. Build each other up.

Wow.

I love what Dave is saying there about building each other up in marriage. You know, we can't encourage each other too much. I mean, we've got to be encouragers of one another. And I think something. And I know we touched on this. Something we need to remember is when we are constant encouragers of our spouse, those moments that come along where we need to actually tell them something that might be a little critical, they're not going to sting as much when we are always being positive with our spouse and encouraging them because they know we love them. They know that we see the best in them. So when we do have something that we need to address that might. Might be an issue, it's going to be seen as something that is positive because they know that they're for that. That they're for us. And so it's one of those things where we've just got to be telling each other the truth in love. And when we lead with love, we're going to win every time. So, guys, thank you so much for listening. I hope you got a lot out of that question. And we will see you next week with our full episodes in our new Q and A quickie section right at the end. So please submit your questions to nakedmarriagepodcast.com we'll see you next time. Thanks for listening to the Naked Marriage Podcast. For more free marriage resources to ask us a question or to view our show notes, visit nakedmarriagepodcast.com and if you.

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