We Can't Agree on How to Discipline the Kids

Black Friday Savings are here at the Home Depot, which means it's time to add new cordless power to your collection. Right now, when you buy a select battery kit from one of our top brands like Ryobi or Milwaukee, you'll get a select tool from that same brand for free. Click into one of our best deals of the season and stock up on tools for all your upcoming projects. Get Black Friday Savings happening now at the Home Depot. Limit one per transaction exclusion supply full eligible tool list in store and online.

Hey, friends, welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast, Summer Quickies edition, week two. We're so excited to have you here. I hope your summer's off to a great start. As we said last week, every summer we do some quicker episodes in the summer to just give you a little more time with the family or time at the beach or whatever you're doing and trying to hit some important topics and cover them in a shorter period of time. And today we got a good one. It's what do we do in our marriage when we can't agree on disciplining the kids? And maybe you're already to the point early on in the summer where it's like, we cannot agree on how to discipline these kids and they are running wild, bouncing off the walls. And I just hope we're still married by the end of the summer because this is a lot of pressure. Hopefully that's not how things are going, but every family's had those moments. We just did a 16 hour road trip with the kids just one way. Just 16 hours in the van one way. So we stopped to drive, you know.

I mean, don't even think about it.

I'm not even thinking about it. So we know we get it where it's like there's a little bit of tension from just all being on top of each other. And we've had times in our marriage where this was the pinch point, the pain point, the thing that we couldn't get past because I was like, way too lenient. And, you know, Ashley is, you know, she's not hard. She's very loving and grace filled, but she just had. She just has clear expectations for the kids and really is a healthier parent all the way around. And I was more laissez faire and. And she was so frustrated with me.

I've had moments like that and we.

Had to work through this. So we're gonna talk about what that looked like in our marriage and how maybe it could improve in yours as well.

All right? Just to remind you guys, we have four boys ranging in age from 17 to 7. And yeah, a lot of testosterone. And I remember with our first two that we had very close together. Cause they were only. They were a week shy of two years apart. And so we have these kids and I read like every parenting book that was, you know, on the list to read during that time because I was like, I really do. I want to be a good parent. I think all of us, we can agree we want to be good parents. And I remember I was, you know, when it came time to really start disciplining our kids, I had like very specific things in mind. And Dave and I talked about this a little bit. Like we, you know, to spank or not to spank is always kind of a thing. And everybody has their own reasons in marriage too. Everybody has their own reasons for, you know, being pro spanking or anti spanking. And I totally get that. You know, we actually grew up with having spankings here and there.

And we know though this, I deserved everyone I got.

I was a very strong willed child myself. But you know, we know there's a proper way to do this. So like there were some books just to give a frame of reference of what we were reading. There was we. Our first one was extremely, is still extremely strong willed. So of course I read the Strong Willed Child Bringing up Boys I think is what it's called.

Yeah, a lot of James Dobson, a.

Lot of James Dobson books, which are great and very practical. And one thing James Dobson always talked about that we really tried to do early on and Dave has always been so good at this and I feel like I really struggled with this is focusing, like really not just focusing, but cultivating that really strong relationship with the kids. So that when we did enforce the rules that they would know without a doubt, like, you know, they're doing this because they love me and because rules are a good thing. Right. And for me, I feel like I was pretty heavy handed on the rules and being just so cut and dry that I wasn't willing to bend. I mean I, I hugged and kissed and loved on and encouraged the kids all day long. But I remember being just so worried that they weren't being right.

But the, the standard was clear.

Yes.

And, and I think we just like a lot of parents do, I think would, would kind of like live in the tension where one parent is usually more on the kind of the grace side and one parent's more on the, the justice side, the accountability side. Because you know, if you grow, if you raise your kids with all grace and no accountability. You know, they're going to prison someday like they just are, because they're going to grow up thinking there are no consequences. But if it's all justice and it's all letter of the law and there's not grace, then you know, the relationship side can get wounded. And one of the James Dobson principles that really stood out to both of us is he said all of his books, all that he's done, it can be summed up in one sentence, one parenting sentence. And it's this. Rules without relationships lead to rebellion.

Yeah. And that really stuck with me.

You need the rules, but you also. It has to be rooted, like Ashley just said, it has to be rooted in the relationship or else what you're going to get is rebellion. You're going to get some rebellion anyway.

Believe me, believe in teenagers.

All of us just have a rebellious, sinful human nature that, you know, we all have that. And thankfully, the only perfect parent who's ever existed, God, our heavenly Father, is so full of grace, but at the same time has very clear standards. And those standards are there for our protection. And so we, I mean, there's even.

In the Bible it says the Lord disciplines those he loves. And obviously he loves us. That's why there are natural consequences. I mean, there are natural consequences just in the world. And even a non believer in Christ can see that. I mean, just living in the world for five minutes, you know, there's natural consequences. And so I guess early on we just, I really, like Dave was saying, I was really hyper focused on the rules. And Dave really was like, but what about grace? And I would always tease him and I would say, listen, I think between the two of us, like when we meet in the middle on this, we're the perfect parent.

No, you were already an awesome parent.

I don't know. Well, it takes both. Like you said, you need the rules, but you also need grace. And so, you know, it looked a lot of different ways in raising our kids. And, you know, obviously we're still in the trenches of raising kids, but some things that have really helped us to get on the same page are reaching out to mentors. You know, there was a point where we weren't like fighting. You know, Dave and I have never been big yellers at each other or anything like that. Neither one of us loves conflict. In fact, for many years of our marriage, I just avoided it, which doesn't solve anything. And that's why I talk about avoidance on here all the time and how that doesn't Solve anything. How we've got to get everything out on the table and really talk about it. And in this particular season of raising kids, I think we had three at the time, so we had, like, two, you know, probably elementary schoolers and, like, a toddler. And life, like, all of us can relate to was just busy and going. And I just. I felt like I didn't have a grip on parenting. And I really. I got to the point where I felt like, you know, Dave kind of would be the fun guy. And I was always harping on these roles, and Dave said he could see in my eyes that I was kind of starting to resent that. And so you came up to me one day, and you were like. And I remember it, we were in our family room, and I must have looked exhausted or ticked off or. And you're like, sweetie, listen, I feel like you're starting to resent me as a dad. And he's like. And I feel like at this point, I don't know, like, I'm doing all I know how to do, so we need to ask for help. And he's like, here's my idea. I want you to think about and pray about a couple in the church. And we've mentioned this before, so some of you've heard this story, but I'll tell a brief version of it. Think about a couple in the church that you look at who's, like, maybe 10 years ahead of us, and you like their family dynamic. They love each other, and they have a good marriage, and their kids, you know, love. Love each other, love God, and seem to want to be around their parents. Like, think about who that couple is, and then we'll talk about it and see if we could maybe talk to that couple. You know, invite them over for dinner and just pick their brain and kind of see how we can get on the same page with this. And I was like, oh, my gosh, everybody's too busy. That's a great idea. But, like, nobody's going to say yes. And he's like, you can't say no for people. And so we end up praying and thinking about it, and we come up with the same couple, Todd and Stacy, and invite them over and over the years, you guys. I mean, this was a while back, but over the years, we've talked to them again and again, and they've been such a source of encouragement, of just practical tips and even pushing us on certain things. Like, I remember Todd really leveling with you and being like, dude, you got to stand up more. I mean, he really needed and I needed that.

We need to invite people to, to have that kind of voice in our lives. And I am so thankful not only for our own parents, but for mentors like Todd and Stacy. One of my great life mentors is Pastor Marty Baker and Patty, his wife and Patty. They both have really. Marty and Patty have been not only great friends and great leaders of the church where I've been a pastor, but they have intentionally spoken into our lives and encouraged us in so many ways. I don't know that we would even be doing marriage ministry now or have a lot of the opportunities we've had now had it not been for their encouragement and them speaking into us and giving us some opportunities. So I'm so thankful for that. And now as we get older, I want to be that for other people. And I think part of how God designed the church is for it to be a multi generational place where we can always lean on each other. We can lean on mentors who are older than us, who have life experience we don't have. We can lean on friends who are in the same phase of life. And we can be in small groups of people. We're in the trenches together, which we've.

Had that many years. We've been so thankful for that.

And then we can pour into those who are younger, not only our own children, but younger people, folks who are a little bit behind in life experience, and we can let them know what we've learned. And if we're all doing that for each other, guys, it's great because we don't have to figure out all life stuff on our own. And we can learn to celebrate the unique ways that God wired us. Ashley and me both, you know, we didn't try to change each other in terms of our nature, our personalities, and we fell in love with each other's personalities. But we had to figure out with parenting, how is this going to look in a cohesive way? Like, I think left to my own devices, it could have been. There's this scene I always come back to movie examples because it's just how my brain works.

Cuando entras a Burlington Encuentras precios increibles.

Y regal los geniales Jeso es energia del protagonista porquen Burlington, Los AO I.

Had that dream again. My small business needs an office admin, but I don't use LinkedIn and I hire an energy vampire. But also they're a literal vampire. And suddenly my team is spending all their time sharpening wooden stakes and buying bulk silver and rehearsing ancient chants. And then I wake up. Don't let hiring nightmares ruin your dreams. LinkedIn Jobs new AI assistant takes insights from over 1 billion professionals to create a short list of the best fits for you. Get 50% off your first job post@LinkedIn.com QualityOffer terms and conditions apply.

Robin Williams movie called Mrs. Doubtfire. And if you haven't seen it, it's a classic. So the opening scene of this movie, Robin Williams is throwing this wild birthday party for one of the kids. And there are, like, It's a dance party. People are tearing the furniture up. There are wives, food everywhere. There are food everywhere. There are barn animals that he's rented somehow. And this is a neighborhood. And as a kid, I remember watching that saying, like, that is the coolest dad ever. And, like, why is their lame mom being so frustrated at him now? As a man, I watch that, and I'm like, he's getting divorced. He doesn't even know it yet. And then they do. He actually gets divorced, and you don't bl. Or at all. You're like, yeah, you know, he meant well. He was trying to be the fun dad. But when you're going against, like, kind of what those family rules have been, and there's. You're inviting chaos. You can have the fun without the chaos. You have to have fun with structure, with order, with accountability. And. And that's the key. You still have fun parties.

But we love it. We love to have a fun part.

Ashley's the most fun person I know. Like, this thing. I. I don't want to paint the picture that, like, I'm Robin Williams and she's the stick in the mud, because she's.

You are really funny. Like, she's the most fun. I miss Robin Williams. Let me just say that.

I do. I mean, he was a treasure.

He was a treasure, absolutely.

But it's about encouraging each other, and it's about consistency, and it's about just saying. I think the main takeaway for us is when you are at a place where you're at an impasse. You can't agree on exactly how it's supposed to look. Or maybe you don't have a clear picture in your head of how it's supposed to look. True, you just have these unmet expectations, but you can't even verbalize what your expectations are with the kids. Do what we did. And it helps so much. Look to someone who's ahead of you at least 10 years, someone who's not perfect because it doesn't exist, but who's healthy in their marriage and in their family and in their faith? And just ask them over for dinner and say, listen, we want to learn from you. Would you come over to dinner and just tell us what you know about parenting? Because we're stuck right now. Yeah, we're stuck. And we need to move forward. And most of the time, even busy people will be honored to share with you what they've learned.

They will. And I want to say this just practically speaking. Sit down together when you're calm, not when you've had, like, the worst day ever with the kids and you've been pointing fingers at each other. Don't. Don't let it be that day. But on a day where you're calm and even where you've chosen, like, all day, you've been like, we're going to have this talk. We're not going to dread it. This is exciting because we're getting structure so that we can get on the same page. Okay, so have a time where you sit down and talk and you decide, first of all, you know, what are the main values of this family? Because the rules have to reflect the values. And so, like, what are the main values? Is, do we put a high value on fun? Because I think fun can be a value. Like, we're both sevens on the Enneagram. We've taken this many times, and at first we were like, we're not sevens, but sevens are the ones. It's called the enthusiast. And you guys, I take Enneagram with a grain of salt, but I just find it kind of fun. I'm a little bit of a nerd when it comes to these personality tests.

And I think you're a two.

You're so silly. He says that to Enneagram people, and they're like, what are you talking about? There's nine.

It only goes to nine. And I'm like, well, I'm whatever. Enneagram thinks there is a 10 and that my wife is the 10.

Oh, my goodness. So we're both sevens. You know, we like to have a lot of fun. And so we do. We put a high value on fun. But again, we have to make sure certain things are met before we can have the fun, because then we can truly have the fun and not, you know, not have everything fall apart. And, you know, is it as far as their character? Hopefully. I mean, you put a high value on character. Make sure those rules that you have for your children reflect their character. Like, making sure they Finish the job. Well, they don't do things halfway. Making sure that they're treating each other with respect and treating you with respect, making sure that they do their. They hold their word. This is one of our values. We put like lying. We always tell our kids. We're like, you know, you can get in trouble, but then if you lie about what you did, that's like, even worse. I'd rather you just tell me the thing that you did and not lie about it, because you're going to get worse consequences if you did the thing and then lied about it. Right. And so because we put a high value on truth, we're like, you're going to tell the truth and you're going to. You're going to stay true to your word. You're going to follow through with what you promised. And, and so, you know, when it comes to the. The values of your family, you have to be on the same page with those, because if you're not even on the same page as what you value as a family, then it's hard to even know what roles need to be in place. And I know in the early years of raising kids, I was really big into charts because I felt like there's something. And again, this just shows my personality. There's. I feel like it's more organized when you have a chart and the kids can see their progress. And so we would have certain tasks they'd have to do every day, like brush your teeth or whatever. And before they can read, it'd be a picture. You can buy these online, too. You can even get free printables online. And I would have them complete that, you know, and they would check, put a check mark or put a star, and then they get a little prize once they completed so many of those. We, you know, recently with our first grader, he is a talker in class. Big shocker. I every. I think every report card when I was in elementary school, up until third grade, got talking, marked, you know, on my report card because I also love to talk. And so we're trying to show him, you know, talking itself isn't bad, but there's a certain and appropriate time to talk. And you have to raise your hand and you have to not interrupt the teacher, and you have to not be interrupting your friends and not always try to be the center of attention. And so we talked to his teacher. We sat down together because we wanted to make sure we were not only on the same page with each other, but we're also on the same page with his teacher. And we sat down and we said, what is some kind of incentive system where we can encourage him to be on task? And she said, how about I send home a smiley face sticker in his folder when he has a good day, and I'll put a little note of what went wrong on the days that he doesn't. And we'll just say, go for stickers. And however many stickers he gets, you know, he gets more allowance or he gets some kind of incentive. And it's worked.

He loves it.

It's been so good for him.

And it's really, it's finding what brings out the best in each kid. And what works for one doesn't work for the other.

I wish it did, but it doesn't.

And so there's no one size fits all guys. And you have to be willing to adapt. You're unchanging, you're fiercely unchanging on the principles that guide your parenting, your faith, those main principles. But you are very, very adaptable to the methods that you're going to use to implement those principles. Because each kid and then each season of life, what works with one kid when he's 8 probably won't when he's 11. And you just have to be willing to adapt. And so we're on this journey, you know, we're learning, too. We do not have it all figured out, but the main thing in all of it is put God first and make sure that you're pointing your kids in a walk with Jesus, because that's the most important thing we can teach them as kids. And then number two, model a healthy marriage. One of the best gifts you can give your kids is letting them see what a healthy, united, loving marriage looks like. And so model those things for them, and a lot of the rest will fall into place.

Absolutely. And just know that you're not each other's enemy and you're not trying to outdo each other. As a parent, I see so many couples deal with that, where one wants to be seen as the better parent. And it's like you both lose. If that's the goal. The goal is to be a healthy family that sticks together. And so try to be each other's advocate. Never, ever. And they will try this. Never, ever let your kids pin the two of you against each other, because they will try it. You guys, like, they. They want to get their way. They're going to try everything.

They'll do whatever they can do.

And so you don't throw your spouse under the bus either and say I can't believe you let him do that or her do that. And show your kids in front of your kids that you're not on the same page. Even if you're not, you go in private, get on the same page. Don't throw each under the bus, each other under the bus. And just make sure you work it out and say, okay, let's recalibrate here. What went wrong there? Let's make sure that we go in our united front to our kids and stick to those kind of values and rules that we've put in place.

So good guys. Thanks so much for tuning in. Hey, a couple quick things. If you're not following us on Instagram, check us out. AveAndAshleyWillis all spelled out. We're putting mostly Ashley. She's an Instagram queen and she's great at it. I don't know about that. Posting some great stuff all summer. And you can also send us questions there and we do our best to respond to those as well. Thank you so much for tuning in. Thanks for leaving reviews. It really does help for all those who leave reviews. It helps other people discover on Apple.

But also on Spotify now and on.

YouTube if you're watching. Yes, wherever you're watching or listening, leave us a review. We really appreciate it. We'll look forward to seeing you next time.

The holidays are all about family, but at the Chrysler Wrap up the Year sales event, it's all about you. Enjoy every mile in the most awarded minivan in America, the Chrysler Pacifica with the most standard safety features in its class. Available Stow n Go seating and the available Stow and back built in vacuum. Make the most of the holidays with a great deal at the Chrysler Pacifica Wrap of the Year sales event based on Ward's small van segment. Based upon the latest available competitor information, Chrysler is a registered trademark of FCA US llc.