We're Together Too Much

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Instead of saying, well, gosh, that's, that's weird. I don't. I don't need that. You shouldn't need that. I think the moment that we start saying any way that our spouse is different from us, they must be wrong.

Yeah, right.

I don't need sleep that much. You shouldn't. I don't need sex that much. You shouldn't. I don't need time alone that much. You shouldn't. And it's such a prideful backward posture to have.

Hello, and welcome back to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast we address the truth about sex, intimacy, and lifelong love. And we are continuing in our summer quickie series. If you didn't listen last week, please go listen. It's probably one of my favorite episodes as far as just having fun.

Most random episodes, most random fur babies. But we had a lot of fun talking about dogs and cats and with what they can bring to your home.

Can bring. But today we're going to talk about something a little more serious. And that is when you feel like maybe you're with your spouse, like physically together too much, and maybe you're feeling a little smothered.

Yeah. When you feel smothered and this is a real thing, especially now, you know, coming out of, you know, Covid reset things. We don't have to dwell on this part of it, but it's, it's redefined work, life, balance in a lot of ways. And many of us are working from home a lot more than we were before and, you know, used to the kind of the general flow of the day for most adults is, you know, one or both of you would leave the house, go somewhere else, do something else, and then come back and reconnect in the evenings. But during the day, that main chunk of time you guys were apart and maybe would talk on the phone here or there, but there was some, some separation and some space. But now more couples than ever are together all the time.

Yeah.

And, you know, and some, some love it, but depending on your needs, your personalities, if one's an Introvert. One's an extrovert, you know, one. There's a lot of different factors. It's possible to feel completely smothered. We had someone that, you know, we know and love and she's, you know, she works in ministry and she contacted us. This was actually pre Covid.

It was pre Covid. Yeah.

And sat down with us and really wanted to talk through some issue in her marriage. She wouldn't tell us what it was until we all got together. And just me and the three of us sat down, Ashley and her, and she just said, listen, my husband is smothering me. Like, I love him so much. I'm so thankful for. But he, like, needs me around, like, all the time, and I need some space. Like, I'm used to having space. Like, I. They. She'd been single. They'd both been single for a pretty long season before they got together. She was used to a routine where she had her work and had her flow and had her friends and had her. Her stuff, her time. And yes, wanted to be with him and chose to be with him. But the expectation was so different because he thought, now we're married, we're going to be together all of the time. And she's like, give me some space. I'm dying here. And so navigating that when the expectation and, you know, unmet expectations, uncommunicated expectations in all parts of marriage can create so much unnecessary stress. But this is a real thing when one of you is comfortable just being around each other all the time and the other one really needs some space. We've got a neighbor, lives a couple houses down. He is. All the time. Am I. I'm not making this up. Mention this all the time. Well, it's because he's always there. He's always outside messing in his yard, you know, and his yard doesn't even look good. It's not because he loves his yard, but it's clear his wife's car is always there. Like, he needs some space.

I did see them walking together one.

Time, so they're good. They're doing something together, you know, and.

We don't know the whole story. It's just an ongoing joke with us, right?

He's like, oh, there.

He hasn't liked the story there because we literally have seen him pick up individual blades of grass. Like. Like, I'm not even exaggerating. Doesn't look individual blades.

He's just out.

We don't know what's happening, but he's out there.

Just to be outside, like he has.

We really need to just. We wave at him. We always smile, but we need to actually engage in conversation.

So tell me about. Dude.

We need to find out what's happening there. But he's. I'm sure he's a lovely man. Maybe he really enjoys just being outside and he's finding something to do. But, you know, maybe there is. Maybe he's like, I just need some space. Because, you know, know back to the couple that you were talking about before. I remember after we met with her, and she told him, well, I met with Dave and Ashley because I love you, but I want to navigate this, you know, in a proper way. And they said, like, it's okay that we have different flows, and you're an extrovert. I'm an introvert, but I need to be specific about what I need. And what I need is a little more time to myself, you know, not that she's going out, you know, partying with friends or getting with other men or anything like that. She's saying, like, I just need to be by myself a little bit. And, you know, understand that this has nothing to do with you. It's not a personal attack. But he took it. I remember the next time we saw him, he was mad at us. He was so mad at us. And he took it very personally. And I remember thinking to myself, I think a lot of couples deal with this because it really isn't personal. And I can say this because I'm like her in the sense of, like, I'm very much an introvert, and you know, this about me.

And I want you always. I'm like, you know, I want you to be at your best. And so you need time. You have rhythms of the day where you need to be aware. You need to be able to just go listen to a podcast. And we work together.

So, like, we're together all the time.

We're together a lot. Like, I mean, I was doing the math. Like, we've spent more time physically together in 21 years of marriage than couples I know who've been married for 50 years, that we've been together more in terms of hours together. Like, one.

It's because we do work together, right?

It's our flow. Like, we've, you know, we.

We're.

We're traveling together, we're working together, we're home together. Like, it's our flow. But. And I love. Love being with you more than I love anything. However, like, I get it that you need space. Sometimes I need space. And I know that, like, I Need to go. Do I need to, you know, get with some guys or I need to go for a jog or I need to just, you know, veg out and like, read a book or some. Listen to a podcast or lift some weights or watch a sports game or something that maybe I just need to do alone or need to. And that's okay. And I think just not taking it personally, that help your spouse be at their best. That's what it comes down to. But if one spouse says, well, to be at my best, I need to be away from you all the time.

Then that's not good.

That's an issue too. Right. So we're trying to find that balance and it's going to look different. We can't say this is the amount of hours per day that you. That's optimal, that you need to be physically together. What we're saying is you gotta talk about these things and find a flow and rhythm that works for both of you.

And that's the key is finding the flow and rhythm that works. But also being willing to say that, here's what I need, but also asking your spouse, what can I do more of to fulfill your needs too? Because there are certain needs that we do as their spouse. We need to be willing to serve them in that way. And I think for this particular husband, who is very extroverted and he has such a high need to be around people, that's how he fills up, is by being around people. And I think people get introverts and extroverts mixed up all the time. But just to make it very clear, it really has nothing to do with whether or not you love people, because both can love people, but it's where you get your energy from. And so for an introvert, we get our energy from being alone. So we feel like we kind of refuel by being alone, whereas an extrovert kind of fills up by being around people. And now we need to be alone and we need to be with people. We need both. But the extent at which we need that is different based on whether or not you're an introvert or an extrovert. And so with this particular couple, she was very introverted and he's very extroverted.

And he's expecting her to meet all of those.

Exactly. So what we encouraged him to do is we said, you can't look to your wife to fulfill all of your need for interaction with a person. I mean, that's ridiculous. Like, we can't do that. Our spouse can't fulfill any you know, all our needs anyway, and they're not supposed to. And, I mean, there's certain needs, of course, but it can't be everything. They can't. They literally can't be your everything. I know this sounds very romantic to say that, but that's kind of putting too much on them. Like, it's not fair to do that.

Yeah, you're setting your. Both of yourselves up for a lot.

Of frustration and disappointment. And so we told him, we said, you know, I think it'd be good for you to get involved in some different things where you're around people. Go serve at your church. Maybe you can get involved in some different things where you're around people. Get. Go to a men's breakfast. Like, put things on your calendar that you can look forward to. That, you know, that is gonna fill you up. And you can also help someone else fill up. You know, you're gonna be a light to someone else. And. Excuse me. I'm hoping. I haven't really checked in with them in a little bit, but I have seen them, and they seem like they're doing a lot better. But I'm hoping that that is something he put into practice, because I think that, you know, when we feel smothered, we just get to a point where we. We kind of just retreat altogether. And you don't want to do that. Like, we. We need to keep talking. We need to keep having time together. But we also. We also want to make sure that we're not growing resentful, because that's where you see resentment set in, because you're like, I am going to go crazy if you talk to me about that thing again, because I'm tired of your voice or whatever. I think people get tired of that.

I can't even look at you right now. I know the way you crunch food, the way that you just. The way that they do. Everything will start annoying you. You'll just be grating on each other.

Exactly.

And so. Yes. So find those rhythms for. And think about, like, what's gonna help you be at your best, what's gonna help your spouse be at your best? And monitor and adjust. In every season of life, it's gonna look a little bit differently. And so maybe what worked in one season might look different in another. And as you're preparing for, like, the empty nest, you're preparing for times where you're gonna naturally maybe have more time around each other, start preparing for that. Like, how can we make the most of that time, both individually and as a couple? And Maybe it's going to be, let's, you know, take up a new hobby and maybe each of us have an individual hobby and maybe some kind of hobby we do together now that we have some extra time. But just find ways to bring out the best in each other. And if you're in this dynamic where you are feeling smothered, it's a delicate conversation because it's difficult to have this conversation without hurting your spouse's feelings. To say, like, I need to be around you less. Right, that hurts.

I need less of you.

I need less of you. And that's not what you mean. I mean, what you mean is for me to be at my best for you. I need more time away. Just me and God, just me and sin, to recalibrate. Just me. Like even Jesus himself, who was God in the flesh, would break away. And he loved people. He was all about people. He gave his life for people. But he would break away to get alone, to pray, to recharge. And if he, the son of God, needed that, how much more do we need that? So it's okay. Don't make your spouse feel badly for whatever rhythm they need to be at their best. Like, you know, quick examples, and we've mentioned a lot of these. Our sleep schedules are totally different.

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You know, I tend to go to bed way earlier. Ashley stays up later. I get up first, she gets up second. She tends to take a nap in the mid afternoon where that's my peak of the day. Overall, we probably get about the exact same amount of sleep, but it happens at completely different times. And instead of trying to change each other's rhythm, we're like, that's the rhythm to help you be at your best. You know, our exercise rhythms, our eating rhythms, our hobbies, you know, all of these things. It's different. We still do an awful lot together, and we love it, but, like, we never try to make each other feel bad. Like. Like, I love to just eat lunch at home, you know, and just let that be a time to recharge.

He stands up and just.

I make something to eat it right there. And she loves to get out.

Like, I just want to get out of.

She feels like she's losing it life if she has to eat something at the house for lunch.

It's not even that. It's that. That it's the time of day where I need to get out of the house and work from home.

Right. So I'm like, get out. You listen to a podcast and have.

A sandwich and go on a walk in my car. It's just funny because he's standing in our kitchen eating his lunch. We'll sometimes go to lunch together, obviously, too. But you're eating. I'm gonna paint the picture for everybody. You're eating the Cape Cod chicken salad. Try it. It's so good. From Costco.

Yeah.

With some scoops. Tortilla scoops. And then you also probably have, like a peanut butter sandwich or something. It's rando. Like, he. He puts together the most random lunch.

Or a microwave bean burrito.

Or a microwave bean burrito, you know?

Yeah. And.

And your lemonade. You have your crystal light going. So then I. So what I'm doing. So that. That's his. That's his norm. And he loves that. And for me, I've. It's like, I've done my work at the house that morning. I need to just get out for like, 30 minutes to an hour, so. And listen to a podcast. And sometimes I'll go on a walk or something to. But I go to either Chick Fil A or Jimmy John's every day, and I eat in my car, so I'll go get it. I'm not going to stay in that restaurant and eat it. I'm going to go take it back.

To my car, have your moment and.

Have my podcast on and eat it. And then I go about my day and get more work done, and we come back together.

That's a little shopping for the home or the family.

I'll get Groceries or something. And sometimes not every day.

And listen, guys, it's like, just help each. Instead of saying, well, gosh, that's. That's weird. I don't. I don't need that. You shouldn't need that. I think the moment that we start saying any way that our spouse is different from us, they must be wrong.

Yeah, right.

I don't need sleep that much. You shouldn't. I don't need sex that much. You shouldn't. I don't need time alone that much. You shouldn't. And it's such a prideful, backward posture to have to say, like, every way that I'm wired, every preference I have is correct. And every way that you don't exactly line up with that, you're. You're wrong.

Right?

Man, that is just a toxic and broken mindset. But instead to say, your needs are different than mine, and that's good. I'm glad God wired us up different. So how do we help each other be at our best? How do we help each other make sure that all of our needs are being met? What can I do to serve you? Can I watch the kids now so that you can go do that thing? Can I go run this errand for you so that you have more time to go do this exercise class or hobby or whatever that you were needing to do? What can I do to serve you? And if your mindset will be what can I do to serve you? Then not only will your needs be met, but when you are together, that time together is gonna be even sweeter.

Yes.

Because you know, your tanks are gonna be full. And so we're just. These conversations are meant to help you and your spouse be at your best. We're not trying to squeeze you into one size fits all, cookie cutter approach to marriage. Cause thank God he made us all so beautifully unique. That every marriage is unique. But the principle, Certain principles should hold true in all of them. And one of those principles is serve each other, love each other, help each other be at your best. And that's really what this whole episode comes down to.

And I just want to say this too. I know for some of you listening, you listened because maybe your spouse has said this to you or has given you kind of clues that they feel smothered. And you're listening and you're like, I understand where you're coming from, Dave and Ashley, but my spouse is just barely home or barely spends time with me.

Yeah, that's hard.

That is a completely different issue where they have their priorities mixed up here because, you know, in marriage, we, we. It takes a significant amount of time to have a strong marriage. I mean, you can'. Skip out on that. There's no substitute for quality time together. And to get to quality time, you have to have a lot of quantity with parenting too.

It's the same thing.

Exactly, exactly. There's no shortcut.

You know, it's been 10 minutes a month with my kid, but it's going to be a great 10 minutes. And it's like, it's not going to be enough, guys. It's.

You got to put in the time.

You got to put in the time.

And you got to wade through a lot of stuff to get to the good parts. You know, it's just how life goes. And so if that's the case and you felt like you're being pushed aside because you're not being prioritized, that's when you need to reach out to help. Reach out for help. And I would just highly suggest that you reach out to our exo mediators by going to xomarriage.comhelp because they are amazing and they can meet with you virtually or they can meet with you in person if you were in the Dallas Fort Worth area in Texas. But they can help you navigate this because it sounds like somewhere your spouse maybe has just gotten a little off course and maybe they're spending too much time at work or too much time with friends or, or too much time with the kids activities or whatever it is. And maybe because they are trying to avoid maybe dealing with maybe some issues going on and they need to be able to get you back as a top priority in their life. And so it sometimes takes a professional to help someone else see that because you may have said those things to him or her. But really, sometimes it takes somebody outside of our family who can look into this and not be biased and say, hey, this is really out of balance and here's how you can get back in balance and. And back to a healthy state. So again, that website again is xomarriage.com help and I promise you, they're amazing people. They're highly trained and they love what they do. And we have heard countless stories of them helping people navigate situations just like this. So don't be afraid to reach out.

Man, that, that last minute, my love, most important word spoken this whole episode. So thank you for sharing that and. And I know that's going to bring some encouragement, maybe even some healing.

I hope so.

To those who are listening, guys, thanks so much for tuning in as always. We love and appreciate you. Do us a favor, leave a review on the podcast on itunes or Spotify or YouTube or wherever you happen to be watching or listening. It means a lot to us. Check us out on Instagram at Dave and Ashley Willis. You can also find us on Facebook and we'd love to interact with you there as well. We'll look forward to seeing you real soon.

Bye bye.

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