Self-Love to Resolve Romantic Conflict - With Derek Hart

Hello, everyone and a warm, warm welcome to our Irise live event. So excited that you're here with us today. And this is one of our first interviews as part of Valentine's Self Love Awareness Week, which we're celebrating all week here on irise from the 13th to the 20th of February. And during that week you have free access to lots of courses, classes and live events all on this topic of self love. And of course, Valentine's isn't normally associated with self love and that we're going deeper into that subject and really helping people understand why it's such an important part of successful relationships. And we're very delighted today to have with us Derek Hart. Just going to bring Derek Hart onto our live stream here. Hi there, Derek, how are you?

Great. How you doing, Ashak?

Yeah, I'm good, thank you. So excited that you're here with us today. So Derek Hart is a relationship Coach and for 31 years, Derek has fine tuned his craft by making contact with his own inner wounds and turning those wounds into profound, clearly actionable steps for couples to use. And Derek's mission is to prevent the endless hours of couples arguments and turn that into short, often 10 minute moments in time for a couple to truly understand what no longer works. Yeah, now that's amazing, Derek, because I think for Most couples the 10 minute mark is really just getting warmed up, just getting started. So I'm so, so intrigued to find out more about that. And through a workshop, conference, lectures and 36,000 hours of coaching, Derek's heart shines through as he sits inside the couple's dilemma, helps them understand their struggle and finally nurture each other to have the dream that they started together. What a beautiful way of introducing our speaker today. And just to let you know before we jump into our interview that Derek will be conducting a relationships workshop live on irise on Tuesday, March 1st at 7pm UK time, 11 Pacific, 2pm Eastern. And he'll be demonstrating this short intervention, this 10 minute process of helping couples really reconnect. And we're calling it From Hurt to healing in 10 minutes. From hurt to healing in 10 minutes. Derek's workshop on Tuesday, March 1st. And he also has a documentary coming soon on Irise as well. So Derek, once again, wonderful welcome to the show. And I think the first thing I want to ask you is a lot of people who come into the personal transformation space and personal development often come from their own experiences, their own pains, trials and tribulations. I'd love to know what first started you on this journey, what was the moment you thought, right, this is what I want to do in my life.

Oh, great question. You know, for me, it actually started day one, you know. You know, I was born into this world and I had parents that were very, very confused right from the start. My, my mom literally split for the first three weeks of my life. So we don't often think of our adult relationship problems relating that far back. But in my world and my healing, it does really go that far back. And that's kind of where my process began. And up until about age 20, I was sitting in tons and tons of struggle with how relationships work. And I was just so endlessly curious about why I felt so separate and alone and disconnected from people. And I started a journey. I started with 12 step programs. A lot of people are familiar with that. And when I found there were other similar people who were in that world of healing, it was just like I found my tribe, I found the healing world and it changed my life.

Yeah, absolutely. Well, what a wonderful journey that you've, you've been on. And has that also been part of your personal relationship challenges and struggles that also came. You learned from that and brought that into your work?

Yeah, I mean, my, you know, I had two 10 year marriages and it was continuously confusing to me that I had needs, I had things I wanted in relationship. And you know, you're just supposed to say what you need.

Right.

And then you kind of, you know, you know, find a compromise and you talk it through. And I was just going round and round in these very similar ways in relationship. And I just could not feel comfort. Even when an argument was, would lead to, okay, we, we feel, we resolved it. There was still something missing inside me. It was like, it's not really resolved. I wake up in the morning and I still feel bad. Something is still completely heavy. Even though it seems like we solved something and we actually now, from what I teach, we actually truly did not solve those things.

Yeah, that's really interesting. There's a lot that's said and there's like the iceberg, a huge amount that isn't said that's below the surface that I, I'm guessing you kind of go deeper into.

That's an amazing point. Because when we talk and we say things back and forth, the majority of our relationship exists. I believe when we stop talking, when I say something and we sit in this silence and all the space and air and distance around us, did my words get into you and did it make an impact and are we feeling something about how we understand Each other. And the connection is in actually mostly the silence.

That's beautiful, Derek. And it reminds me actually of one of your courses that you have on Irise, the listening course. And you know, that idea that actually it's less about thinking I've got to communicate, which means speaking or forcing my point of view, but actually true listening. What is the secret behind listening?

Oh, that's a great question. What is the secret behind listening? Right now, in this talk with you, I feel myself in my chair. I feel my legs, I feel my hands moving. I feel my own breathing. I'm here, okay? If I was outside more, I would be working really hard to answer your question and get it right and try to answer technically, what is a good listener? Okay. A good listener is somebody who has more and more self, more and more inside and actual knowing of what's happening here. And what I've been learning actually very much recently is the more I'm here and the more my words slow down and match what's going on in here, the more you automatically trust me. I believe the secret to listening is knowing how to detect if what I'm doing feels comfortable. And if in your eyes, you want to come towards me, that's listening.

And where do you see. That's really interesting because where do you see couples, therefore not listening? So where are they making mistakes in that communication?

Think about all the problems couples have, like, you know, money in laws, you know, you know, sexuality, romance, spending time together, all these problems, right? You know, who wants Chinese food and who wants Italian food for dinner, right? There's all these things they argue about, okay? What couples don't quite grasp is, is that 5% of their relationship where they actually connect is usually with two adults working out a problem. What's the other 95%? The other 95% is if I want something from you and I'm confused about it, or I'm sad, or I'm angry, or I'm frustrated. Couples don't know that, that they need to go in, they go out. And now they might do it gently and vulnerably and open heartedly. And most people looking would say, wow, that was really nice. Why does he respond so frustrated? It's because you don't have two people going in every time they're frustrated and knowing what to come back with. That's where, in my view, almost literally all disconnect happens.

You know, I'm really interested to find out more about this, Derek, because certainly in a lot of what I've read, no one's really talking about this idea of going inwards and really connecting with that part. It's all about the interrelational rather than the intra relational. And I want to quote a couple of things that you've said on this subject. So self love is the only way to be trusted by another or self love is how trust is nurtured. And another quote that relates to this is couples think they're coming for me to learn how to talk better to each other. They're actually coming to learn when the words coming out of their mouth are coming from the inner 5 year old, their 10 year old, their teenager or their adult. I love that quote because it's really speaking to that idea that actually instead of focusing so much on the interrelational, when are we going inwards? So this idea of we're talking from a 5 year old or 10 year old. If you want to speak more to that, I'd love to find out more about that.

Yeah. If I'm frustrated with you and I start with that sentence because that's where it all starts. Okay, so I'm frustrated and if I go inward, I have an entire history in my body. Okay, this for me, I really know it started on day one because it was pretty traumatic when I came into this world. So I have my whole history with you and our relationship. And if it's a 20 year marriage that's been distressed, we have 20 years of going round and round. But I have all my relationships before that and most importantly, I have all the way down to my childhood. And that is where it was modeled for me. Exactly how people come together and connect. I had parents, when they were frustrated, they went at it with each other, telling each other their frustrations. So I. It wasn't modeled for me to see them going inward, connecting with themselves. So guess what? When they were frustrated, they would then take it out on me. Okay, so now I'm an infant, a child, an adolescent. Guess what I do when I'm that young and I have no protection. I start adjusting and tweaking my insides so they won't be mad at me. So I not only don't know to go inward, when I go inward, it's torturous, confusing, a big mess inside. I have to be shown how to make sense of what's happening inwardly, to even have something come up to say next that another adult can understand. And when I do that, you automatically in your body, trust me and want to come towards me. So let's summarize that very quickly. If I'M saying something that's difficult and you're not coming towards me. We need help.

And this inner awareness that you're talking about, this almost embodiment of how I'm feeling, it sounds like it's related to authenticity, to deeply go into that authentic self and be aware of that and have the inner awareness rather than just reacting from the, the conditioned minds, the, the nervous mind, the fearful mind, the angry minds.

I love the word authenticity. Let me break apart authenticity real quick. Okay, so you're right, I want to be authentic about what's going on in here. But I can get very confused very quickly where even if I'm really slowed down and vulnerable and deep and telling you the truth, if I am not connected to a much more subtle what is happening when I feel like I'm five, if I don't have a relationship with an inner five year old that is respectful, deep, trusting. If my little 5 year old does not feel safe with my 51 year old, Derek, being authentic is just another confusing thing because a five year old doesn't know what authentic means. A five year old hears big adult words. What does authentic mean? I just want to play on the swing set and run around and play sports and have a drink when I'm thirsty. Okay. So getting in touch with what that five year old needs is first. And that's what I help people go into. Taking them into that relationship with self at all ages.

Yeah. And I do a lot of work with people on the inner child. Is that kind of the area that we're looking at? So are we saying that, you know, this common idea in psychology that actually our partners are a proxy for a parent or a caregiver or something that we didn't get as a child. And so when we're then in those adult relationships, we're reacting from the child that never got what it wanted or what, what it needed in that particular the nurture, the love and, and that magnifies the emotional, almost the emotional violence that can occur in relationships. Is that what we're talking about here?

I want to say I 100% agree. That's exactly what we're talking about. And I want to add something onto it. How do you teach somebody to go in and be with their inner child and have something even bigger happen? When we think of inner child work, we might think of what was it like as a child? And you get really honest and you go into a meditation and you get real about what a little five year old must be feeling. I want to take it A step further. Okay. I want you to build a relationship with an inner 5 year old and enroll the 5 year old in their own choosing of that experience. So I don't get to say to you, okay, go onto a beach and take your little five year old by the hand and go on a nice stroll and just be with how beautiful that five year old is. No, no, no, no. You're on a beach, you're sitting with your little five year old and you're going to glance over at them and you're going to see if they want to make eye contact back. You are going to see if they are open and willing to trust you because you've created some stuff in adult life that's not too trustworthy. So I'm talking about a level of respect that you can give these inner parts of you. And when that relationship gets stronger, you don't have to struggle so hard of knowing you're making contact with them. You will look in the mirror and feel so deeply loving towards yourself that by the time you get back to adult land, you know what to say.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Derek, this is, for me, just so incredibly profound here, a relationship coach talking in this kind of language because generally I think this is a big neglected area. And that's, you know, contributing to the fact we have global divorce rates of 50, you know, 50%. And it's because this area is not being attended to within relationships.

Yeah.

And, you know, we're so glad to have you here on Self Love Awareness Week for Valentine's. Once again, Valentine's tends to be all about the interrelational, but we're taking it a step deeper. And it sounds like this is exactly the work that you're doing.

Yeah.

How does, so how does a person get in touch? You've mentioned these different processes and getting connected, this idea of self love. How does lack of self love contribute to the changes in relationships? And how can people begin to go from connecting to the inner child to actually filling it full of love.

Yeah. Well, think of the story I just said on the beach and making contact with yourself and that that's a loving experience to where I feel more trusting with myself. And there's this intersection of what can happen when both people are doing that. That is. That is just absolutely incredible. So two people who start actually feeling an internal process of caring for themselves, what happens next is think about if you and I have a conflict, okay. And even if it's. Even if we both kind of agree the conflict's a hard one, I have something that I need from you. And the way I go about it probably will make you feel criticized and you'll want to go away. Okay, now, even if we're being nice and slow and kind now, what if you witnessed me making contact with not just this thing I want from you, but a super deep yearning inside myself that is a young unmet need. And what if I reveal that, like for example, in a couple session, what if I reveal that and you're watching me do that? What happens inside you is you make contact with the more gentle parts of yourself. But in relating as adults, I'll show you what's going to happen to you. You're going to just be like coming towards me and you're going to want to help and you're going to want to feel compassion for that little part inside. And we're going to bond without having to even know what to say. It's automatic. I tell couples a lot of the time. I say I want you to notice you're discussing something very frustrating with your husband. I want you to notice in the last 10 seconds he moved towards you, he reached down and took your hand and you're describing the exact same thing about what he's doing to cause you a lot of pain. You just enrolled him in him wanting to help and be there for you. So we gotta go in through this back door of what's really happening in each person with their fears and their longings and their yearnings and revealing that is where all connection is really deep and rich and intimate.

Wow. Wow, Derek. I hope everyone online is enjoying this conversation as much as I am. So please do share this, broadcast this live stream on your social media. We want more and more people to get the opportunity to hear Derek's words here. And just in a few minutes time, we'll be starting a Q and A with Derek. So please do join us for that. It'll be on irisetv.com so if you visit the website irisetv.comlive-events you'll see a zoom link on that page for Derek Hart. And we'll be having a live Q and A where you have the opportunity to really delve deeper into this. And this will be a really interesting continuance of what we've talked about today. And Derek, I think what really intrigues people, we've got this workshop coming up on the 1st of March and you talk about this 10 minute intervention. Now there's so many couples out there will say there's no way that we can, you know, stop our argument after 10 minutes or reach conclusion after 10 minutes. I'd love to hear more about how you work with couples and you've mentioned some of it already, and how you get people to really connect just in that 10 minutes. And what kind of outcomes do you get from that?

Yeah. So when we act out, let's just use that phrase. What does act out mean? It means to most of us, I'm, I, I'm yelling at somebody, or I'm being sarcastic, I'm being indirect, I'm being passive aggressive, or I'm being avoidant, I'm being silent, I'm going away. All of those things contribute to disconnecting. Okay, so what's one thing? Let's talk about a 10 minute period of time. Okay. What's something that could happen in the first minute? Okay. In the first minute, I'll let a couple argue and I'll see what their argument is. Okay. And I'll do something that they've never had done to them before. I will say it makes perfect sense that you would be arguing like that. It makes perfect sense. You're raising your voice and getting a little meaner and getting more frustrated because you love this person so much. You wouldn't be fighting if there wasn't a reason for it. You're fighting because the love is that intense, but you're fighting because you don't know what to do instead. So let's take this thing you're doing to cope. Let's just take a minute and validate it. And let's be with how much you've been beaten up by your partner for being that way in the first place. We don't want to do that. This is all you've ever known. Nobody's ever shown you how to help yourself there. So we validate them. And the other partner is probably feeling validated a little bit about their process. Okay. So that's called a coping strategy. Now, couples show up and they all have coping strategies. I have my coping strategies. I know what I do. I do a whole bunch of stuff when I get scared. Okay. When I'm coping. The difference between healthy relationships and non healthy relationships is in non healthy relationships, when you cope, it's rigid. There's no flexibility to do something different. So do I help people get rid of being angry and frustrated and mean and silent and. No. I help people become more flexible in just slightly small changes that help their partner feel them and they feel themselves. So in 10 minutes, can I validate someone for their coping strategy? Absolutely. Can I help them walk on a beach with their little five year old and make contact about what they're really, really hurting about. I kind of do that with a visualization process and a body process and taking them into what they're really feeling all around their body. And within seconds there's, there's tears in people's eyes because they've been getting put down about wanting to love their partner better. So everyone's trapped, everyone's cornered and I help them feel not trapped for the first time and they're, they're in shock. Like they see their partner coming towards them and sometimes people say, you know, she hasn't held my hand in, in six months. And why is that happening? Because he revealed he's hurting inside, not she's a big bad person.

Right?

Yeah.

Yeah. What a fascinating process. I would love for everyone on the planet to go through processes like that. And what kind of healing could we invite into the world through that? You know, whether it's my friends, my clients. Relationship challenges are at the core of so much disruption in people's lives. And if we could just bring this beautiful knowledge to everybody, what a wonderful world we could create together. Yeah. Derek, I just want to say thank you so much for the interview today and your thoughts and sharing such profound knowledge. So we'll be going on to a Q and A now, everybody on the Irise site. So you can go to irisetv.com and click on the Live events navigation bar and you'll see a Zoom link there. And we'll be going onto Zoom and you can ask Derek any questions that you have. And of course Derek will be presenting, as I said, a workshop from From Hurt to healing in 10 minutes on Tuesday 1st March. I hope you can join us for that 7pm UK time. And he'll be taking potentially a couple through that 10 minute process so you can actually view it for yourself and learn from that as well. And as part of Valentine's Self Love Awareness Week, just to let you know of a few more events coming up. So tomorrow we have Laughter Yoga with Sharon Miller. So really looking forward to that. That's at 5pm UK time, 12 o' clock Eastern. A fantastic Laughter Yoga session. The first time we're doing it on Irise on Sunday the 13th we'll have honor Celestino who'll be talking about self love and relationships on Tuesday. I will be Tuesday the 15th. Today after Valentine's Day I'll be conducting a workshop on self love and how we can bring aspects of self love up within us to support our relationships. And next Thursday we have Anadea Judith. He'll be talking about relationships and what self love got to do with it. Reminds me of that 80s track, that famous 80s track. So, Derek, any final words you'd like to leave our audience with?

Yeah. A relationship that is having problems. The time frame of the argument, even if the argument is three hours, that's not how bad the relationship is. A relationship that is having these difficulties that we all know pretty well. It takes all your time, it takes all your day, it rents a space in your brain all day long. And interrupting it takes 90 seconds, 5 minutes, 10 minutes. It's time for us all to learn these kind of psychological technologies to feel better all day long. If you feel better with your partner for 10 minutes, you actually feel better 24, 7. That's how important relationships are.

Yeah, definitely. One difficult moment during the day can spoil the entire day because of the close connection we have with our partners. So, Derek, some lovely words to leave us with. I'm so super excited for your workshop on the 1st of March. I can't wait. And now, everybody, we're going on to the IRISE platform, so join us irisetv.com go to the live Events tab and you'll see a zoom link there. We'll go to our live Q and A. So thank you for watching. Please share this on your social media and we'll see you tomorrow for our Laughter workshop. So thank you, everybody. Thank you, Derek.

Thank you. Thanks, Asha. Bye.

Bye.

Bye.