A woman describes the strain of being with a partner who didn't share her drive to explore and grow. During a medicine-facilitated ego-death experience in Asheville, she confronted the role she was playing and the fears holding her back, leading her to reassess her entire life.
One of the things that was interesting about that relationship is like, you're cute. Yeah. You're capable and like, I didn't know anything about your relationship status and I'm like, I mean, everybody else is, you know, connecting and I'm like, I never heard you talk about your boyfriend like one time.
Yeah, I think it was very unconscious of like, I wasn't intentionally not bringing him up.
Okay.
But there was no part of my brain professional life and my personal life in that sense that like overlapped. Where he understood anything that I was doing or was integrated in that way. I think I was living two completely separate lives. And that was really hard for me. And I think it was just like, we were not aligned. He's very smart, but we were not aligned like intellectually, spiritually, and we couldn't get to a deeper level. But I loved him so much. So I was like, what does this mean? You know?
It's interesting, like my projection or what it sounds like It sounds like you're saying it's like, and this is a very, very broad term, but like smart, grounded, wonderful, loved you more than he's ever loved anything. One of my stories that I make up is like, to simplify it, is like you were curious and he was less curious.
Yeah.
Would you say it that way?
I would agree. I would agree. And I think that I was a little more driven in the sense of like I, No, I didn't want to live in Kentucky for the rest of my life.
I don't want to sit in one place. I don't want to think one thought. I don't want to do one thing, like professionally and geographically.
Yes. And I felt like there was so much more that I could do and so many more places that I could go and see. And yeah, I was so curious in expanding my, my consciousness and my being and anything that had to do with growth and that wasn't matched. So I felt like I was growing, growing, growing and he was kind of just right here and it was like, I was like kind of dragging and being like, yeah, yeah, just a misalignment. Misalignment, yeah. That was deeper than I think I could ever realize until I had this journey, this medicine journey in Asheville, and I had a full ego death of what I thought I was and who I was and this whole life that I was like living in and kind of playing this role of like girlfriend and I'm just gonna be a part of this, but like really limiting myself and my potential and holding myself back. Out of fear of hurting him, of stepping away. And the whole journey was about that, of like, here's your life, like this is what you're supposed to be doing, here's your like full potential. And I could feel it, like I fully embodied like—
Feel what, the weight or the freedom?
Both.
Oh, okay.
The dichotomy of the situation. Oh, okay, okay. Of like, this is what you're in right now and this is what it feels like if you like take the leap and go.
