My Employee Called Me a D*ck. Here's Why I Thanked Her

Are you a founder who's ever had an employee that had the guts to call you out on behavior that they felt was inappropriate? Well, if so, this video is for you. In this video, I'm gonna take you into a 10-minute clip of a meeting I had where the previous day one of my employees thought I was being a dick, and this is something that I asked them to share and they did. And so I then went on to demonstrate how that word could be understood in different contexts and how it needed to be potentially chumped down. You'll understand what that means. And then I spent the rest of the video helping them understand that what someone says and what they mean can be completely different things using a 3-step framework. And I showed her that the thing I was doing that she thought was me being a dick was actually me trying to show compassion and love to one of our employees. If you don't know who I am, my name's Luke Murray. I've been a physician previously, uh, an entrepreneur for about 20 years. During that time, I've done about $100 million in revenue. I currently have a portfolio of companies that does about $3 million a year. And I make these videos because I would like to have ambition without the bullshit. And I'm guessing you would too. Let's go to this meeting and then I'll share some of the secrets on the back end.

So the next thing is what's working and what's not working continued from 8/21. When you guys left, we had a come to Jesus that was awesome. And y'all fuckers weren't here. So I'm going to try to run it back real quick. But it was very, very, very important that you guys missed. And we all have it right here. So she actually likes the checklist and the technology. And she thinks that sometimes I'm a dick. So I did— and I— so calling me a dick is— that's how she felt. It's language that needs to get chunked down into specific behaviors. Just like I'm like, hey, y'all, get them on the bus. Tell me, what does that mean? I'm like, well, just ask care questions. And I'm like, what? They're like, more good, less bad.

And they're like, what?

I'm like, phone. Friendship. And then what I haven't got to yet is what do I say about— what's literally one of the words that come out of my mouth about food? And actually, when I say it, do I say, hey man, you want some food? Like, hey man, you want some food?

Or—

I'm not saying it's right or wrong. The point is that's a specific thing to be like. Or should I be like, boom, Snell, get up, your ride's here, buddy. You want some food?

Right?

That's the most gangster close ever. That's the most gangster shit ever. Yeah, but like she said the same words. Like, so the way you say the words. So Luke's a dick. I started guessing about all the things I did that were dickish. And one of those things, one of those things that I thought I did is I thought I was like really intense and really in her face. It made her feel dumb. But, and please correct me if any of this is wrong, I'm just saying it for you for the sake of time because I want to get to the last thing, which is which you guys have already talked about a little bit. When Luke Murray got up here and did not understand columns and rows, like this stands for Wednesday and this is Terrace and it is 8/17, so the week of 8/17, this is what we did with Rose. And this is the week of 8/11 and this is Rose and this is Wednesday and it's 20. Like he could not do that. Or he struggled. And I said, hey, I was talking real fast like I normally do, and I realized, holy shit. And I only knew this because we'd gotten on, we'd driven together. I said, what's going on, man? Let's get to know each other. He's like, my mom's a meth addict. She fucking sold meth. That was my education, which I didn't get until I quit when I was in 6th grade or 7th grade. And so when I saw him struggle with this, I was like, Oh, holy shit, I forgot. Like, how? Like, where was I when I was in 5th grade? Actually, I was at the top of my fucking class in a really nice elementary school, going home to two fucking supportive parents. That's what I was doing. I was not with a single mom on meth, blah, blah, blah. So when I was like, I said it multiple times, I was like, hey, I forgot your mom was a meth addict. You were homeschooled, which is not even real school. That was not a statement about homeschool sucking. That is a statement about like, there are standards at homeschools that, like, it's harder to be consistent when it's a bunch of moms in their living room. When my mother, who had to teach, was teaching, she had very specific shit she had to teach people, right? And she wasn't addicted to fucking math. So my point in bringing that up, so I think it's a good story. I want to teach you guys another thing. God, it's so fucking gangster. You guys are getting, you guys are getting such a good education. So So we're not ready for forms of waste yet, guys. Y'all, we're just gonna let— I'm gonna teach that shit. She needs to know, because she doesn't even know, and if she doesn't know it, she can't teach it to y'all, and she should be the one teaching that shit, not me. Okay, there is a fact, story, and emotion. All right. This is such a power. I use this all the time. So a fact is what this video camera would record, and it was, yo mama, crackhead, or something like that. I don't know what I said, you know, like, so it's the literal words that I said. The story that created is, well, the funny version is Luke's a dick.

Yeah, but I think what she means by that is like, Luke is embarrassing—

whatever, we'll just cut that out— is embarrassing person because he wants him to feel bad and to hate himself or something like that. Which is what dicks would do. That's dickish behavior, right? That's part of the definition of a dick. Okay, and so then her emotion is probably anger. Like, and what is the intelligence of anger? Actually, let's have it. There you go. Read it out loud for us.

Anger tells the leader that something is not or is no longer of service, or that something is not aligned and must be changed or destroyed. Destroyed so that something more beneficial can replace it.

And you can stop there. You can stop there. Like, this is not aligned with you. About like, doing this to someone is not aligned with your values. And so that anger was a very intelligent, clear anger. Hey Luke, this is not of service. This needs to be destroyed. This is not aligned. That is what her anger was telling her. Um, it's not what I meant. What I— so what I wanted to point out is, hey buddy, you had a shitty life. Oh, by the way, I also— the only reason I was willing to say that out loud— it's not okay, we gotta leave. Um, the only reason I did that is because that motherfucker tells anybody that will listen, and a lot of people that won't listen, my mom's a crackhead. I would like— so if it was a very— it was a secret, something that he kept private, then I wouldn't have been like, "Your mom sold meth." Like, so I had— I could have also asked permission, like, "Hey, you know how you tell everybody that? Uh, can I also say the shit that you say to everybody?" Um, I didn't get that permission, but it was a little bit implied. So like, I wanted him, just in case he was hating himself and thinking, "I'm stupid and I'm worthless and I suck at this and everybody hates me," I want to be like, hey buddy, you're exactly where you're supposed to be for the shit you've been through in your life. This is an opportunity with me as your teacher to get you from wherever the fuck you are, which is apparently not being able to do columns and rows, and get you to like columns and rows lesson. I had to learn that, how to work columns and rows, at some point in my life. I guess that's, that's the point you're at, and I'll help you with that. Okay, so the emotion is anger. So what happens though is that we immediately, we don't do this step. When I say this, Nyla doesn't think he cares. Like, that's because that's— I'm saying your mom's a crackhead and you didn't have a real education. And what I mean by that is I love you and I care about you and I don't want you to hate yourself. And what she— but what she hears is like, Luke hates his guts. So, and then I feel anger. And so I care about you. And I was feeling so much— I was feeling compassionate out the ass for that poor fucking kid. I was feeling so much love and compassion for him. But so, and guess what? Y'all, if you were thinking this way, probably had different stories than our two stories.

Right?

Because of— and it's probably based on your life experience and what you're kind of projecting on me, uh, and what I was probably projecting on him. Maybe he didn't even feel embarrassed. Maybe it's just— maybe he thought something totally fucking different. By definition, that motherfucker has been out to lunch in 27 different directions what I'm thinking we're tracking. So like, anyway, fact, story, emotion. Take that shit to the bank because you use it. I use it all of the time. So whenever you're pissed at someone, I'd be like, hey, you literally said this to word, word for word. I made up the story that you're a dick, and then I felt angry. And then, and first of all, you need to make sure that your facts are right, because maybe I said something slightly different, you know. Hey, did you actually say your mom was a crackhead? Crazy me, I thought you did. Um, and I'd be like, oh yeah, totally said your mom's a crackhead. Uh, and then they're like, well, I thought that that meant that you were a dick. You're trying to embarrass him.

Yada, yada.

And then I go like, oh yeah, I said your mom's a crackhead. Here's my story or meaning behind it. And this is the emotion I was feeling.

So there you go. I first pointed out that calling someone a dick or saying something is dickish needs to be chunked down into the definition of that term. And I, the analogy I used is I tell them you should get people signed up for our service. Just sign them up. But then I have to say, ask them questions about themselves and show that you care. And then I have to chunk down that into more specific language, even to what should they say and how should they say it inflection-wise. I can't just say, get 'em on the bus. And she couldn't just say, stop being a dick and expect anything to actually happen. The second thing I pointed out was the fact, story, emotion framework. And I, again, I didn't point it out for everyone else in the room, but the folks that were there could have heard, "Your mom's a crackhead," and then they could have each created completely different stories based on their previous life experience and felt completely different emotions. So that's something that's happening across the board. And if you don't actually ask, you could walk away. I walked away from that thinking I had demonstrated care and concern for someone. And she had walked away thinking, my boss is a dick. And if she would have told me, you're a dick, I would have thought, again, I guessed that the reason she thought that was because how intensely I was pushing to try to get them to learn. And I was completely wrong.

What do you think?

Have you ever thought you understood what someone meant and done some other version of fact, story, and emotion? Let me know about it in the comments. I'd love to know what you learned. And as always, thanks for watching.