4 Ways to Listen Better

Hello my friends. I'm Brendon Burchard, host of the Brendon show and founder of growthday.com and I'm honored to be your high performance coach today. I believe that every day we can be inspired. We can live with intention and purpose.

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Now let's begin. When you meet a master negotiator, a master coach, a master therapist, a master role model who really understands how to do communication well in conflict. What they're doing is they're reflecting, restating and rephrasing things that the other person are bringing to them. They're reflecting, rephrasing or restating what other people said in order to demonstrate understanding. Because we all know from our life's experience. But also research if the other person feels more understood. Soon as they start feeling more. Watch this guys. Soon as someone starts feeling more understood, you start moving better towards the resolution of the outcome. It's actually they've done a really cool thing in communication where there's a chart, you literally see it, the person reports feeling more understood. Their move towards resolution, positivity, encouragement, ending the conflict moves up it's like they go together hand in hand. But most people don't know how to reflect because they don't know what to listen for. Here's an acronym for what to listen for. We're going to use the acronym of fine. Like, I'm fine. I'm fine. Okay? If you want the other person to feel fine, feel okay, feel safe in the conversation. Fine is our acronym today. F, I, N, E. Fine. What are you reflecting? You're reflecting. And it's usually in this order, but not always in this order. You're reflecting F, which is feelings. Someone says, I'm so pissed at you. It's as easy as saying, I hear that you're pissed. If someone says, I'm so hurt that you did that, it's saying, I know that you're hurt. If someone says, you know, I'm so angry, I hear that you're angry. It's just reflecting back the feelings that they are stating to you. And I mean literally. Use the explicit one, even if you don't agree with it. Right? If they say, you're being condescending to me, I hear that you feel I'm being condescending. Right. It's as simple as just reflecting the words right back. You don't have to validate. You don't even have to agree. It's just hearing it. It's restating it back to them. It's reflecting it. It says, I'm listening to you. I heard the words that you chose to use. Right? And it's reflecting back the feelings. A lot of people don't know how to access feelings. You know, research shows most people only have access to, like, three to four words to describe their feelings. Happy, mad, sad, and confused. Happy, mad, sad and confused. That's. Most people don't know how to say any other words than that. They have no emotional training. Right? I never did. I had like, happy and mad. That's all I grew up with. I was like, happy, mad. That was it. There was no nuance of all the other feelings that we could have. So most people, they might not know how to communicate it. And so if you're sensing it, one way to reflect it is I'm sensing that you're upset. Is that right? And it's saying, I sense it and asking to help you gauge the feeling. Or it's just saying, I say it to coaching clients all the time. Especially now in this virtual world. I say it on zoom. And as many of you guys know, my coaching clients paying a million dollars a year to work with me. So I'll look at them right on zoom and say, you know what? Can we take a beat? I'm listening, but I can't quite gauge here through this virtual world, what it is you're feeling. Could you describe that to me? I know that sounds so junior varsity, but I literally say that to CEOs, I say that to Olympians. I say that to my friends, my partners, my spouse. I say it all the time. Hey, can we take a beat here? I'm not sure I'm picking up what it is you're feeling. Can you describe what you're feeling right now? I can't tell. I say that all the time. And now it just opened up the platform for them to express feelings. And that's really important for a lot of people, especially if you're dealing with somebody who doesn't say what they feel or it's hard to read it on their face to say, hey, can we take a beat a minute? I can't tell what you're feeling right now. That really can open up the door to better conversation. So if you hear it or you sense it, try to gauge it or reflect it back. So fine. F, I, N, E. The I is interests. To reflect back their interests. So here's what this means. I learned this in mediation training and certification. This one really changed my life. It said, most people, they're arguing about several pieces of content, several topics they're arguing or they're mad about. But often those topics can fit in one bucket. It's an interest that they have, not an interest like curiosity. Interest. It means it is something that is important to them. So if interest doesn't translate in other languages, sometimes it's something that is important to them. So let me give you an example. And I know you've been there before, so let's just take it right into your house, okay? Maybe you're in conflict with your roommate or your spouse, your partner, the kids. And the conflict can sound like this. You left the pizza box out. You didn't vacuum. You haven't made your bed. And I'm sick and tired of it. And now it happens. The kid, the spouse, the partner, Will they go, yeah, but one time I made the bed, and no, you know, I didn't know how to use the vacuum. Or they. What do they do? They argue the content points of what you just said. When someone argues the content points of what you just said without acknowledging the interests, that just says, they probably haven't had training before. Because listen to what that is. Pizza Box, vacuum, make the bed. Those are all interests. Those all go in a bucket of what? What's the bucket? You would label those content pieces. What's the bucket called? Those go in? Well, the bucket says, it's important to me to have a clean house. They just didn't know how to say that. It is important for me to have a clean house and important to me to have support in making that happen. Important for me to know that, you know, that's important to me and to help me out. It makes me feel safer, happier, more relaxed in my house when things have a little more order. But they don't know how to say that. So good listeners listen through the content for what's important to them. So instead of saying, well, I do clean sometimes, you go, you know, honey, I hear it's important for you to have the house cleaner. Notice I didn't have to agree. I'm not talking about all the points. It's just acknowledging the overall interest. If you really want to earn points, you'd say, honey, I hear that, and I recognize it's important for you to have a little more orderliness around the house and a little more help. Is that right? Is that what you're saying? Is that right? Is that what you are saying? So if you reflect back the perceived interest and then you say, is that right? Is that what you're saying? Am I getting that right? And you stay open. What ends up happening is usually they say yes or they go, no, what I'm trying to say. And then they'll share what's really important. Most people have only learned to argue about the little points, so they don't know how to make the big point. If you help them go to the big point called interests and have that conversation up there. Most people can agree on the little things here we might fight about. So let's start up there. Does that make sense to everybody? It's interests versus just the content or the complaints. As soon as we can get there and we reflect back to that now, they feel heard, and they feel heard at the macro, which makes them feel understood as a person, not just heard or complied with at the micro, which even if they think they want that, they'll appreciate this one more.

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Fine. Feeling interests. N is needs. Needs. Their needs. They will tell you their needs in almost every conflict. They will say it, but they won't say it directly. They'll usually drop breadcrumbs. They'll usually hint at it. They won't always say it, but there's usually a need that they have. Those needs are usually like, I want to be heard and respected and supported. I want to be heard, respected, and supported. Now, if we know they want to be heard, we can do that. If they want to be respected, we can do that. If they want to be supported, we can do that. It might not land and look exactly like how they wanted it to be, but when we're aware of that, we're able to reflect it back. And most people in long enough conflict, they will reveal their needs. I need you to clean up. I need you to hit 10% growth this month. I need you to do this. And they'll say it to you.

Often.

What you need to learn to do is listen for the need, not the tone they expressed it in. This is where you truly get to another level of parenting or leadership. Listen through the tone. People suck at tone. They don't know their tone. And you probably misinterpret their tone. And so human beings are actually pretty terrible at discerning tone, especially at nuance. And so it's important for you to hear and reflect the need. Even if your boss says you're supposed to grow this business by 10% this month and you haven't. Well, most people go, they get defensive. Well, I've been working my ass off. I've been at the office late. You hire this new person who's not helping me, they suck. And this thing happened and this happened in the marketplace. Don't you understand? I'm doing my best here. And it's just like awful. But with the boss, if you can listen to the boss was saying I need you to grow up by 10%, you can reflect back that need and say instead of getting defensive, say, I hear it's really important to grow our company, the interest and you need me and this team to deliver 10%. I hear that. That's all. Just reflect. Just reflect. We're not solving yet. We're just reflecting. You might write that down. We're not even solving yet. We're just reflecting. This is again, if you're like this just sounds brennan, I'd hate this process. Please remember that. Hand in hand, as they feel more understood, their willingness to collaborate, to listen to you, to move towards resolution goes way up. Literally every degree that they feel more heard and understood, the more collaborative they become, the more amenable to other ideas they become, the more positive in their intent and their tone, they become. It's universal across every single culture. As understanding goes up, the willingness to negotiate, the willingness to calm down, the willingness to end the conflict sooner than later goes up. We got to hear them first. So we're still in reflection stage. Reflect feelings, interests, needs. Fine. Feelings, interests and needs. And the final e that you might be listening for is the expectations they have for what should happen next to reflect back to them. Their expectations for you, their expectations for the relationship, their expectations for the business. Usually when they're huffing and puffing at you, they're dropping some expectations. I expect you to clean up that pizza box. I expect you to talk with your teammate. I expect you to do better next time. Again, you don't have to agree but you can reflect it. I'm hearing you, pizza box. I'm hearing you talk to team. I'm hearing you do this. All you gotta do is acknowledge it.

Okay, my friend, I hope you enjoyed this episode of the brendon show. Tell some people about this episode. It's on each of us to spread positivity and empowerment during these times of chaos and negativity.

Right?

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Because believe it or not, that stuff.

Actually really does help.

And I read all of them. So my last thought for today Please remember you are stronger than you think and the future holds good things for you. Tomorrow can be an inspired day. Every new morning is a second chance. Every day is a great day to grow. We're thankful to have you here in the Growth Day community, so be sure to go deeper with us@growthday.com.

Sam.