Audiobook Part 3. High Performance Habits: Seek Clarity

Section 1 personal habits seek clarity. Generate energy, Raise necessity High Performance Habit Number one Seek clarity. If you don't have clarity of ideas, you're just communicating sheer sound. Yo Yo Ma this chapter has three Envision the future. 4. Determine the feeling you're after and define what's meaningful. Kate, the woman sitting in front of me crying, has it all. She manages thousands of employees at one of the top companies in her industry. She's an admired leader with dozens of years experience. Because her company is wildly profitable. Her high six figure salary is almost double the average for her position. But she never lets that go to her head. Her bragging is limited to talking up her team. She's proud of how hard they work and support one another. No matter what Kate is talking about, you can tell she's genuinely interested in you. She has an indescribable grace about her. Whenever I see her walk into a room, I think of that saying there are two types of people. One walks into the room and announces, here I am. The other walks in and says, oh, there you are. Kate is raising three children. Her mother died from cancer when Kate was 15, so she puts a high value on being present with her kids. Recently she got another promotion, so her husband Mike quit his job to be home with kids. They're happy. They have more time together. Kate has hired me as her coach and in order for us to get to know each other better, she invited me to their house in the suburbs for a barbecue. Within a few minutes of arriving at her home that sunny afternoon, I found myself with four of her friends chatting over glasses of wine in the kitchen. I asked how they knew Kate and how they would describe her. They called her an awesome human being, a giver, someone you want to be like, and a success that makes us all look lazy. One friend said, Kate was involved in everything, yet always there for you. A Another said she was always impressed by how Kate could do it all and still manage to fit into her Lululemons. When another said, I don't know how she does it, all the other three women nodded and mmmed like a church congregation. Shortly after, Kate asked me to sit and chat in her home office. Floor to ceiling windows lit the place. The French doors opened to the deck where I could see Mike working the grill. Kate seemed in good spirits, and then I commented on how her friends admired her. Suddenly her voice cracked. She said she appreciated their compliments. Then her eyes welled up. She looked away and with her gaze went her presence. As I often do in these situations, I respond with Humor? I ask. What did I miss? Do you secretly hate one of those women? What? She looks confused, but as she realizes I was joking, she snaps back. Oh. She laughs. No, I'm just emotional right now. I see that. What's up? She looks out the window to her husband and friends on the patio. She tries to compose herself, sitting more upright, wiping her tears with the edge of her hand. It means a lot to me that my friends said nice things. Brendan, I'm glad you're meeting them. And Mike. Her voice cracks again and the tears keep coming. Then she looks away again, toward the ground and shakes her head. I'm sorry. My life is just a hot mess right now. A mess? I ask. She nods, wipes the tears away, and sits up again. I know it's silly. Oh, poor me, right? The lady with a good job and good family isn't happy. It sounds like a daytime drama. And I know you're not here to do a therapy session. It's just that when you feel really blessed and people. People look up to you, it's hard to complain. That's why I asked you here. I'm struggling. Even if no one sees it, I don't want you or anyone to feel sorry for me. And I don't want you to tell me I'm not a mess. That's what my friends do. It's good for me to let this out. Things are good, but something's not right. Tell me. She takes a deep breath. Have you ever felt like you're just going through the motions for maybe just too long? I think to myself. Is there a proper length of time anyone should live life just going through the motions? But I don't say that, because she asked if I have ever felt that when people are struggling with their emotions, they often externalize the situation and ask questions about other people instead of owning it. Is that what you are feeling, Kate? As if you've just been going through the motions? I guess so. I lean in. How do you explain those two things? Going through the emotions and feeling like a mess? She pauses. I don't know exactly. That's why I wanted your perspective. I've just got so many things going on. I feel like I'm always reinventing the wheel and never catching up. So that makes me feel like a mess in some ways. And yet I'm good at what I do so I can handle it all. So I feel like I'm just going through the motions and all the chaos has become almost routine. There's a lot going on, but I'm not drowning. I'm just sort of frustrated and restless at the same time. Does that make sense? It does. How have you been dealing with those feelings? Kate looks unsure and glances out the window. That's the thing. I don't know if I've dealt with it at all. I'm doing everything you're supposed to do, you know? They say be present and love your family. I try to. Every day. I try to be good for the kids and Mike. They say be effective. I have the to do lists, the plans and the checklists to make it happen. I get stuff done. They say be passionate at work. I am. They say be persistent and resilient. I have been. I've risen through so much gender discrimination in my career. I've come a long way and I'm happy and no one has to feel sorry for me. But I just don't know. Brendan Yes, I think you do know. Tell me. She pulls back in her chair, her shoulders slump and she takes a sip of wine as more tears break out. In all this running around. I'm trying to do everything. I'm just starting to feel a little disconnected from it. Sort of lost. I nod and wait for what almost always comes next. I just don't know what I want anymore. I bet you know a lot of people like Kate. She's hardworking, smart, capable, caring. Like a lot of achievers, she has a list of goals and she accomplishes most of them. But the truth is, she doesn't know what will bring the vibrancy back into her life. Without an immediate change in habits, she'll be in trouble. This doesn't mean that she will crash and burn. When achievers struggle in real life, it's not like on tv. There's no huge existential dilemma or midlife crisis that causes them to quit everything in an instant. You know, burning their businesses or relationships to the ground in one sudden manic weekend of insanity. That's not what achievers do when they're struggling, especially when they're unsure what they want. They tend to march on like good soldiers. They don't want to mess things up. They're afraid to make sudden changes because the reality is that things are good. They don't want to walk away from everything they've worked so hard for. They don't want to go backward or lose momentum or be overtaken by their co workers or competitors. They know in their gut that there is another level, a different quality of life. But they feel deep uncertainty over changing what is already working. Improving a bad thing is Easy for an achiever, but messing with a good thing? That's terrifying. Uncertain of what they really want, achievers often choose to just keep at it. But at some point, if they don't get very clear about who they are and what they want at this stage of their life, things start to unravel. At the beginning, the decline in their performance is subtle. They start to feel that something is off. So they don't bring as much intent to their efforts. They back off just a bit. That's not to say they feel their life is lacking. I have a lot to be grateful for, they will say. But the issue is not about something external they should feel grateful for. It's that something inside doesn't feel right. Like Kate, they're frustrated or restless. Even though life is good, they begin to worry. Maybe I haven't found my real thing. Even though they've given so much of their lives to that very thing. When the office lights turn out at the end of the night, or when they finally get a moment of silence after weeks of pushing hard, their internal chatter starts scratching at their reality. Is all the complexity I've created in my life even worth it? Is this the right direction for my family and me at this stage of our lives? If I just took a break, maybe a few months to learn something new or try a new direction, would I miss out or get passed up? Things are good. So if I try something new, will everyone think I'm crazy? Am I just being stupid or ungrateful? I'm already stretched pretty thin. Can I really give any more right now? Am I really good enough to play at the next level? Why am I starting to feel so distracted? Why do my relationships feel sort of blah? Why am I not more confident at this point in my life? When these things go unanswered for too long, an unraveling begins. Someone like Kate starts looking at all the mountains she has summited in life and fears she has climbed too many of the wrong ones. She learns that what is achievable is not always what's important. Soon, day to day motivation wanes. They begin feeling restrained or unfulfilled. They start focusing on protecting their successes versus progressing. Nothing seems thrilling anymore. But no one really notices at first, because an achiever is still good. Sure, the passion isn't at the level it used to be, but at least everyone at home and at work is fairly happy. Or maybe just unaware. This is the situation Kate has found herself in. No one knew she was a hot mess, but she couldn't escape the feeling. Ultimately, the dissatisfaction spreads into relationships at home or at work, and others notice the stress of disappointment imparts a hard edge that upsets loved ones or co workers. The person misses meetings and calls. They turn work in late. The contribution of good ideas falls off. Calls don't get returned. It's obvious to both the achiever and the people around her that she has started just going through the motions. The excitement, joy and confidence are gone and with them goes the performance. If this sounds familiar to you personally, then this chapter is your chance to reset. And if any of this sounds overdramatic, it's probably because you haven't hit that wall yet. Let's make sure you never do. Clarity Basics the feeling is clear and indisputable, as if you suddenly sense the whole of nature and suddenly say yes, this is is true. Fyodor Dostoevsky this chapter is about finding clarity in your life. It's about how you think about tomorrow and what you do to stay connected with what matters today. The essential habit of seeking clarity helps high performers keep engaged, growing and fulfilled over the long haul. Our research shows that compared with their peers, high performers have more clarity on who they are, what they want, how to get it, and what they find meaningful and fulfilling. We found that if you can increase someone's clarity, you can up their overall high performance score. Whether you have a high degree of clarity in life or not, don't fret because you can learn to develop it. Clarity is not a personality trait that some are blessed to have and others are not. Just as a power plant doesn't quote unquote have energy, it transforms energy. You don't have any specific reality, you generate your reality in the same line of thinking. You don't have clarity, you generate it. So don't hope for a flash of inspiration to reveal what you want next. You generate clarity by asking questions, researching, trying new things, sorting through life's opportunities, and sniffing out what's right for you. It's not as though you walk outside one day and the piano of purpose falls on your head and all things become clear. Clarity is the child of careful thought and mindful experimentation. It comes from asking yourself questions continually and further refining your perspective on life. Clarity research tells us that successful people know the answers to certain fundamental questions. Who am I? What do I value? What are my strengths and weaknesses? What are my goals? What's my plan? These questions may seem basic, but you'd be surprised how much knowing the answers can affect your life. Clarity on who you are is associated with overall self esteem this means that how positive you feel about yourself is tied to how well you know yourself. On the flip side, lack of clarity is strongly associated with neuroticism and negative emotions. That's why self awareness is so key to initial success. You have to know who you are, what you value, what your strengths and weaknesses are, and where you want to go. This kind of knowledge makes you feel better about yourself and about life. Next, you need to have unambiguous and challenging goals. Decades of research show that having specific and difficult goals increases performance which whether those goals are created by you or assigned to you, clear stretch goals energize us and lead to greater enjoyment, productivity, profitability, and satisfaction in our work. Choosing stretch goals in each area of your life makes a good starting place for high performance. You should also give yourself deadlines for your goals or you won't follow through. Studies show that having a specific plan attached to your goals, knowing when and where you will do something, can more than double the likelihood of achieving a challenging goal. Having a clear plan is as important as motivation and willpower. It also helps you see past distractions and inoculates you against negative moods. The more clarity you have, the more likely you are to get stuff done. Even on the days you feel lazy or tired, when you see the steps right in front of you, it's hard to ignore them. Our research further validates all this. In one survey, we asked over 20,000 people to read the following statements and rate themselves on a scale of 1 through 5, with 1 being strongly disagree and 5 being strongly agree. I know who I am. I'm clear about my values, strengths, and weaknesses. I know what I want. I'm clear about my goals and passions. I know how to get what I want. I have a plan to achieve my dreams. The higher the scores on questions such as these, the better the overall high performance scores. Data from the High Performance Indicator also shows that higher clarity scores are significantly associated with greater confidence, overall happiness, and assertiveness. Subjects with greater clarity also tend to report that they are performing with more excellence than their peers and feel they are making a greater difference. For students, the higher the scores on clarity, the higher their gpa. This means young people who have more clarity on their values, goals, and path ahead tend to have a higher gpa. Most of this sounds like common sense. Of course. Know who you are and what you want isn't exactly cutting edge advice. Still, it bears examination. Are you clear about these things? If not, start there. It can be as simple as journaling about these topics. For now, though, let's focus on the promise of the book and this audiobook, the more advanced concepts that will move the needle in your performance. To get there, let's consider what you would tell someone like Kate who already knows who she is and has set and achieved challenging goals for decades. Next Level Clarity is about the Future I looked over and I've seen the Promised Land Martin Luther King, Jr. Most recently in my career. I wondered whether high performers have a particular worldview on clarity about themselves, what they want, and how to get it. I wondered what, if anything, they were clearer about than most people. To find out, I analyzed the comments of high performance students, called on achievement researchers, and spoke with certified high performance coaches and about what gives their clients an edge. I also conducted structured interviews focused solely on the topic of clarity. With nearly 100 people who reported in our surveys as being high performers. I asked them questions like which things are you absolutely clear about that help you perform better than your peers? What do you focus on to stay clear about what matters most? What aren't you clear about, and how does that affect your performance? What do you do when you are feeling uncertain or undirected? If you had to explain to someone you were mentoring what it is that makes you successful, what would you say? What else do you know about yourself beyond your values and strengths and plans that makes you successful? In almost every basic question of who they were and what they wanted, the highest performers had a great ability to focus on the future and and divine how they would achieve excellence. They didn't just know who they were. Indeed, they rarely focused on their present personalities or preferences. Instead, they consistently thought about who they wanted to be and how to become that. They didn't just know their strengths today, they knew what broader skill sets they would have to master in coming months and years to serve with excellence at the next level, they didn't just have clear plans to achieve their goals this quarter. They had lists of future projects that would lead them to a bigger dream. They didn't think just about how they could get what they personally wanted this month. They obsessed with the same focus about how to help others get what they wanted in their overall lives and careers. This future focus went well beyond what they wanted to become or how they would achieve what what they and others wanted. They could also describe with great clarity how they wanted to feel in upcoming endeavors. And they knew specifically what conditions could destroy their enthusiasm, sense of satisfaction, and growth. Out of this research, we discovered specific habits that helped create this kind of next level clarity. Practice 1. Envision the future. 4. Dream lofty dreams and as you dream, so you shall become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be. Your ideal is a prophecy of what you shall at last unveil. James Allen High performers are clear on their intentions for themselves, their social world, their skills, and their service to others. I call these areas self, social skills and service, or the future for self. Know thyself is the timeless advice inscribed on the Temple of Delphi in Greece over 2,400 years ago. But there's a difference between know thyself and imagine thyself. High performers know themselves, but they don't get stuck there. They are more focused on sculpting themselves into stronger and more capable people. That's another big difference. Introspection versus Intention we found that high performers can articulate their future self with greater ease than others. Tactically, this means they tend to have a faster and more thoughtful, confident response. When I ask them if you could describe your ideal self in the future, the person you are trying to become, how would you describe that self? In reviewing recordings for my interviews, it's clear that high performers have thought about this more than others. Their descriptions came sooner, with the coherent part, the part after the M's and good question Clocking in an average of seven to nine seconds faster, their responses were less meandering than the others. When I asked people to describe their future best self in just three words, hi. High performers also replied faster and in a more confident tone. Trying to imagine ourselves in the future with great clarity is hard work for anyone. That's why most people tend to do it only once per year. That's right, on New Year's Eve. But high performers spend a lot of time thinking about their best self and the ideal they're trying to grow into. In interviews with my 10 highest scoring and 10 lowest scoring clients on the HPI, I found the highest performing clients report thinking about their ideal future self and engaging in activities related to that almost 60 minutes more per week than the lowest scoring clients. For example, if you see yourself as a great communicator in the future, you would not only be more likely to imagine scenarios of yourself speaking with others, but also spend more time doing so. You're actively doing things that exhibit a future characteristic you desire. This isn't to say that high performers are more introspective than anyone else. Lots of people journal every week and could be said to be self aware without being high performing. For example, lots of people think about themselves constantly, but much of that thinking is just negative ruminations. So what makes a difference is that high performers imagine a positive version of themselves in the future and then they actively engage in trying to be that. This part about actively engaging is important. They aren't waiting to demonstrate a characteristic next week or next month. They are living in to their best self. Now you get the point. So let's encapsulate this advice with some simple things you can do. Be more intentional about who you want to become. Have vision beyond your current circumstances. Imagine your future best self and start acting like that person today. This doesn't have to be complicated when I was 19 years old and struggling to bounce back from a car accident, three one word commands helped turn my life around. These commands, as you may know, were inspired by the lessons I had learned about life when I faced my own mortality. They are simple and concise. Live. Love. Matter. These three words became my clarity checkpoint in life. Every night lying in bed just before dozing off, I would ask myself, did I live fully today? Did I love? Did I matter? I've asked those questions of myself every night for over 20 years. The truth is, I don't always go to bed with a resounding yes to all three questions. I have bad days just like anyone else. But the nights that I can say yes to those questions, when I feel clear and on track, are the nights I sleep best. That simple practice has given me more clarity than anything else I've ever done in life. Today, I still wear a bracelet engraved with those three words. I don't need the bracelet. I don't need to continue asking the questions. But I do because it keeps me clear and on track. This is similar to the work I had to do with Kate. Her identity formation practices had stagnated. She hadn't thought about a better version of herself for a long time because she was already doing so well. So in one coaching session, I asked her to describe herself in various situations over her life over the past few weeks. Upon coming home while playing with her kids, while making a presentation at work, during interactions with friends, while out on a date with Mike. Then I asked her to do it again, this time describing herself in those same situations as if she were an even better future version of herself. She began to realize that who she had been in the past several weeks was not who she really imagined herself being in the upcoming years. That should be a wake up call for anyone. Next, I asked her to identify three aspirational words that would describe her future self. She came up with alive, playful, and grateful. None of her descriptions or Words sounded like merely going through the motions, which was how she had felt recently. This activity was also simple, but eye opening for her. Sometimes it's the simple thought processes that help us reset our focus. Kate was generally confident, but the issue was she had stopped envisioning a future Kate to grow into. That's what was hurting her. No vision, no enthusiasm. So I had her put her three aspirational words into her phone as an alarm label that went off three times per day. This means that as Kate went about her day, an alarm would go off and she'd see her words on her phone to remind her who she was and could become. Now it's your turn. Describe how you've perceived yourself in the following situations over the past several months with your significant other at work with the kids or team in social situations with strangers. Number two now ask is that who I really see myself being in the future? How would my future self look, feel, and behave differently in those situations? Number three if you could describe yourself in just three aspirational words, words that would sum up who you are at your best in the future, what would those words be? Why are those words meaningful to you? Once you find your words, put them in your phone as an alarm label that goes off several times per day. Social high performers also have clear intentions about how they want to treat other people. They have high situational awareness and social intelligence, which helps them succeed and lead in every situation that matters. They know who they want to be and how they want to interact with others. If this sounds like common sense, let's find out whether it's common practice in your life. Before you went into your last meeting, did you think about how you wanted to interact with each person in the meeting? Before your last phone call, did you think about the tone you would choose to use with the other person? On your last night out with your partner or friends, did you set an intention for the energy you wanted to create? When you were dealing with that last conflict, did you think about your values and how you wanted to come across to the other person when you talk to them? Do you actively think about how to be a better listener? How to generate positive emotions with others? How you can be a good role model? Questions of this kind may help you look within and gauge your level of intention. I found that high performers also regularly ask themselves a few primary questions right before interacting with people. They ask questions like how can I be a good person or leader in this upcoming situation? What will the other person or persons need? What kind of mood and tone do I want to set. Here are more interesting findings. When asked to choose words that describe their best interactions with others, high performers most often responded with words such as thoughtful, appreciative, respectful, open, honest, empathetic, loving, caring, kind, present, and fair. When asked to choose three words that best define how they would like to be treated by others, high performers most valued being respected and appreciated. The issue of respect specifically comes up a lot in conversations with high performers. They want to be respected and they want to demonstrate respect with others. And this matters to them in all areas of their life, including at home. A field study of 200 couples in the United States who were married 40 years or longer and still reported being happy found that the couple's number one value and strength was respect. The four worst behaviors that lead to divorce criticalness, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling often feel so offensive precisely because they smack a of devaluing or disrespect. What is apparent across all high performers is that they anticipate positive social interactions and they strive consciously and consistently to create them. It's a universal finding when it comes to their interactions with others. They don't just go on autopilot. They're intentional and that improves their performance. In looking to the future, it's clear they've thought about the big picture of their social life too. They've thought about how they want to be remembered. They think about their character and legacy. High performers are looking out there beyond today, beyond the meeting, beyond the month's to dos and obligations. They're consistently wondering, how do I want those I love and serve to remember me? Working with Kate, it was always clear that she tremendously valued and loved her family. Yet she sensed she was often juggling so many things that she wasn't as present with them as she wanted to be. She once said, I feel they deserve more from me, but I don't know if I have that much more to give. Do you know what the issue with that is? When you are constantly juggling and and feeling depleted, you don't think about the future. You're just trying to survive today. And so you start to lose your clear intention for your interactions with your family and teams tomorrow. This is a common struggle with achievers. They want to be better lovers and parents, but feel stretched too thin. Their mistake is the same one Kate was making. She kept thinking that more time was what she needed to be a good mom or wife. One day she thought, I'll finally get to be the mom I want to be with my kids and the wife I hope to be. But you and I both know that one day really means never. To help Kate change and improve her relationships, I had her imagine in advance her interactions with people and then live into those intentions each day. She didn't need more time or to wait one more day. It wasn't about quantity, it was about quality. So ask Kate to try this activity, which I recommend you try too. A Write down each person's name in your immediate family and team. B. Imagine that in 20 years, each person is describing why they love and respect you. If each person could say just three words to summarize the interactions they had with you in life, what would you want those three words to be? C Next time you're with each of those people, approach your time with them as an opportunity to demonstrate those three qualities. Have those words as the goal and start living into those qualities. Challenge yourself to be that person now. This will bring life back into your relationships. I said it to Kate all the time. It's almost impossible just to go through the motions when you have clear and compelling intentions. Skills Next we found that high performers are very clear about the skill sets they need to develop now to win in the future. They don't draw a blank when you ask them what three skills are you currently working to develop so you'll be more successful next year? When I'm brought into work with Fortune 500 senior executives, I have them open their calendars and talk me through their upcoming days, weeks and months. It turns out that executives who score higher on the hpi, that's the High Performance Indicator, tend to have more blocks of time already scheduled for learning than do their peers with lower scores. There is an hour blocked out here for taking an online training, another there for executive coaching, another for reading, and yet another for a mastery oriented hobby like piano, language learning, cooking class, and so on. They've built a curriculum for themselves and are actively engaged in learning. What's clearly linking all these blocks of scheduled time is the desire to develop specific skill sets. The online training is about how to code or manage finances better. The executive coaching is focus on developing listening skills. Their reading focuses on a specific skill they've been trying to master, such as strategy, listening in meetings or story development. The hobby is something they take seriously. They aren't just doing it for pleasure per se, but to actively develop mastery. Here's the big distinction. High performers are also working on skills that focus on what I call their primary field of interest, which we abbreviate as pfi. They aren't scattershot learners. They've honed in on their passionate interests and they set up activities or routines to develop skill in those areas. If they love music, they laser in on what kind of music they want to learn and they study it. Their PFI is specific. They don't just say music and then try to learn all forms of music. They playing guitar, joining an orchestra, singing with the band. They choose, say a five string guitar. Find a master teacher and make time for practice sessions that focus more on skill building than on casual exploration. In other words, they know their passions and set up time to dial in the skills that will turn those passions into proficiencies. This means high performers approach their learning not as generalists, but as specialists. Since by now you have some familiarity with my work, I'll use my career as an example. I began as a change management analyst for a global consulting company. I was right out of grad school. In my first six months on the job, I approached my work the way most of my peers did as a generalist. I was trying to learn everything about the company, my clients, the world. That's what you do when you're a novice. But soon I realized that many of my partners had specific areas of expertise and if I was going to stand out among the other 80,000 plus employees, I'd better develop a skill set fast. So I chose leadership, which was also my area of focus in grad school. Specifically, I wanted to develop the skill of knowing how to build curriculum for leaders and their teams. Leadership was my PFI that stands for Primary Field of Interest. Curriculum building was the skill I requested or created relevant projects. My career skyrocketed when I left corporate America to become a full time writer and trainer. I made similar decisions. I made my PFI personal Development, but so had many thousands of other writers, bloggers, speakers and trainers. How would I stand out? I realized that the skill most of these folks lacked wasn't related to their topic, but rather to their marketing of the topic. I was in the same boat. Personal development was always a passion and I already spent most of my personal reading time studying psychology, neuroscience, sociology, and behavioral economics. I was fascinated by those subjects. So I didn't need more focus there. I needed more focus on building my brand. So I made a huge shift. I made marketing my pfi. This was a monumental decision for me because I had absolutely no talent, skills, strengths or background in marketing. But I recognized it as the key that would unlock the door to my success in my new career. So I started drilling down into skill sets. I didn't focus on Every skill related to marketing and as a generalist would do. Just as I hadn't focused on everything related to leadership in general at my corporate gig. Instead, I zeroed in on email marketing and video production. I took online courses on these topics and I went to seminars. I hired a coach. My calendar was full of building those two skills. For 18 months, I focused almost exclusively on learning and trying new things related to email marketing and and making videos. Specifically, I learned to capture emails and send those subscribers weekly newsletters that link to a featured video training on my blog. I also learned how to put all my videos in an online members area and charge people money to access them. Eighteen months later, I found I had succeeded as an early pioneer in online education. Thousands of people were signing up for my online courses, some of which cost over $1,000. Many people in my industry thought it was some sort of magic act or assumed that I was some kind of online genius, but neither was true. I had simply looked to the future, identified what it would take to win in the industry in coming years, and then realigned my activities to develop the skills I needed to succeed. The lesson was simple but powerful. Look to the future, identify key skills. Obsessively develop those skills. This sounds easy, but in a world where we are so distracted and reactive, it has become a lost art. We just forget to develop our own curriculum in life, even those of us at the highest levels. I remember I once had the blessing of being brought in to speak to Oprah and her executive team. The aha moment was this idea that high performers build their own curriculum. I remember being surprised that after I finished the training of all the things I said, the team posted this one quote from me to summarize our session. If you leave your growth to randomness, you'll always live in the land of mediocrity. I hope the takeaway is clear. No matter your current level of performance, clarifying your PFI and skills you need to master for your next level of success must be a priority. Reconnecting with your passion and setting up structure to develop more skills related to it is a game changer. It's just one thing Kate did to burst through her feelings of just going through the motions. We spent time talking about what it was going to take to win in her PFI in the next 10 years and realized she could learn new skills related to her industry. After she signed up for a few courses and found a mentor at work to help her learn more, she sent me this Amazingly, at some point in my career, I got so good at what I was doing that I forgot how much I really loved to learn. I took my eyes off what I needed to learn in the future. But today I finished an online course and I can't describe how accomplished that simple act made me feel. It was like graduating from high school all over again. That kind of optimism for the future came back into my life because learning opens the mind and begs it to play. I can't believe changing how I feel was as easy as choosing to learn again. You can follow Kate's lead Try this Number one Think of your PFI primary field of interest and write down three skills that make people successful in that field. Number two under each skill, write down what you will do to develop it. Will you read? Practice? Get a coach? Go to a training when? Set up a plan to develop those skills, put it in your calendar and stay consistent. Number three now think about your PFI and write down three skills that you will need in order to succeed in that field for five to ten years from now. In other words, try to imagine the future. What new skill sets will you likely need? Then keep those skills on your radar and start developing them sooner rather than later. Service it had been too long since Kate felt the difference she was making. She had lost the spirit of service to others, and that's what had caused her to start merely going through the motions at work, though nothing there had changed. She began perceiving her days as a series of empty tasks, specifically while she was a phenomenal leader at work and she truly felt the spirit of service in leading her teams, she had lost connection to those ultimately affected by their work. Her customers. It turned out that Kate hadn't actually spoken with any of her customers in years. She'd become an internal executive in a big company, far removed from the front lines and the real people that her organization served. So she started a monthly practice of visiting her customers and really listening to them and asking what they wanted from her company in the future. Soon her enthusiasm for work came roaring back, the last of the four futures after Self, Social and skills concerns how high performers look to tomorrow and consider their service to the world. Specifically, high performers care deeply about the difference they're going to make for others and in the future in general. So they cater today's activities to delivering those contributions with heart and elegance. This might sound like a broad description, but it's how high performers talk. They often speak of how all the extra efforts they make to wow people today are vitally important to leaving a lasting legacy to tomorrow. That's why for high performers, the details of how they treat others or approach their work truly matter. The high performing waiter obsesses whether the table is set with symmetry and precision, not just because it's his job, but because he cares about the overall customer experience and how the restaurant will be perceived now and in the future. The extraordinary product designer obsesses about style, fit and and function not just to create strong sales through this season, but also to create devoted fans and to serve a larger brand vision. What ties all these things together is the future focus conveyed in this how can I serve people with excellence and make an extraordinary contribution to the world? The opposite is easy to spot. When someone becomes disconnected from the future and their contribution to it, they underperform. They have nothing to get excited about tomorrow, so they stop caring about the details today. That is why it's so vital that leaders continually engage their people in conversations about tomorrow. What will provide the most value to those you serve? This is a question high performers obsess about. And I don't use the word obsessed lightly. In our interviews, we we found that high performers give an extraordinary amount of thought to questions of service, how to add value, inspire those around them, and make a difference. Their attention in this area could be best described as a search for relevance, differentiation, and excellence. Relevance has to do with eliminating things that don't matter anymore. High performers don't live in the past, and they don't keep pet projects at the forefront. They ask, what matters now and how can I deliver it? Differentiation allows high performers to look at their industry, their career, and even their relationships for what makes them unique. They want to stand out for who they are and to add more value than others do. Excellence comes from an internal standard that asks, how can I deliver beyond what's expected? For high performers, the question how can I serve with excellence? And gets more attention than perhaps any other in stark contrast. Again, underperformers are too focused on self over service. They give more mindshare to what do I want now? Than to what do those I serve want now? They ask, how can I get by with the least amount of effort? Instead of how can I serve with excellence? Underperformers ask, why don't people recognize my unique strengths? While high performers are asking, how can I serve in unique ways? At the end of this chapter, you'll get a worksheet tying together all the ideas of the future. 4 For now, let me introduce you to a section that will conclude each of the practices in this book called Performance Prompts. These prompts are sentence completion activities that will help you reflect further on the important concepts you're learning. I highly recommend you write out and complete each of these statements in a separate journal. If you would like a companion workbook with all the prompts included and more space for reflection, visit HighPerformanceHabits.com/that's HighPerformanceHabits.com tools whether you use the worksheet or just grab a journal of your own and freeform your thoughts, I I suggest you sit and write out what you want of life. No goals, no growth. No clarity. No change. Performance Prompts these are the sentences you should complete. Number one When I think about the future for self, social skill and service, the area that I haven't had as much intention in as I should is. Number two the areas in which I have not been considering those I serve and lead to leave a lasting legacy. The contributions I can start making now. Practice 2 Determine the feeling you're after. Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. Howard Thurman the second practice that will help you heighten and sustain clarity in your life is to ask yourself frequently what is the primary feeling I want to bring to this situation and what is the primary feeling I want to get from this situation? Most people are terrible at this. Underperformers especially are neglectful of the kinds of feelings they are experiencing or want to experience in life. They bumble into situations and allow those situations to define how they feel. This explains why they have low self awareness and weak self control. High performers demonstrate a tremendous degree of emotional intelligence and what I call willful feeling. In performance situations. They can accurately describe their emotions, but more importantly, they can also calibrate the meaning they draw from those emotions and determine the feelings they want to endure. Let me give you an example. I worked with an Olympic sprinter who was at the top of his game that year, but in prior years his performance was often erratic. Sometimes he won a competition, other times he didn't even make the qualifying cut. When I got the call to work with him, he had a year long winning streak. In our first session together I asked if you had to describe why you're winning now in just three words, what would they be? He said feeling, Feeling, feeling. When I asked him to explain, he said, I got very clear about the feelings I needed in my mind and my body before I walked out onto the field. While I readied myself at the starting blocks, what I sensed in the middle of the sprint and what I wanted to feel after I crossed the line and even all the way back into the tunnel. I asked if that meant he got control of his emotions and didn't experience performance anxiety anymore. He laughed, no. When I'm at the starting box, my body still senses the energy and emotion of it all. My body is naturally aware of what's at stake and and there's an emotion of some fear that's there no matter what. But I don't feel anxious. I define the feeling. I tell myself what I'm sensing is a feeling of readiness, excitement. I've heard so many high performers describe this practice in some form or another. They can sense their emotional state in any given moment, but they often choose to override it by defining what they want to feel. Let's pause to differentiate between emotions and feelings. While researchers differ in their definitions of what an emotion is, many agree that emotions are different from feelings. Emotions are generally instinctive. A triggering event which can be an external situation or simply our brain anticipating something generates an emotional response like fear, amusement, sadness, anger, relief, or love. Often the emotional response happens without much of our conscious will. We just suddenly feel the emotion because our brain interpreted something happening and attached a meaning and emotion to it, guided mostly from how we sense the situation from the past. This doesn't mean that we are conscious of all our emotions or that we can't also generate an emotion consciously. For example, seeing your baby smile at you may stir joy in your heart, but you could also elicit the emotion of joy simply by purposefully thinking about the same incident later on without the actual stimulus. Still, the vast majority of the emotions we feel in life are automatic and physical. The word feeling here is used to refer to a mental portrayal of an emotion. This is not a precise statement, but it's helpful for our purposes here. Think of an emotion as mostly a reaction, and feeling is an interpretation. Like the sprinter, the emotion of fear came up, but you don't have to choose to feel frightened and run away. You can experience the sudden emotion of fear, but in the very next moment choose to feel centered. Whenever you calm yourself down, you are choosing a different feeling than the emotion that may have come up for you. Before entering any performance situation, high performers contemplate how they want to feel regardless of what emotions might come up, and they envision how they want to feel, leaving the situation regardless of what emotions might come up. Then they exert self control to achieve those intentions. Here's another example that shows this dynamic at play. If I'M in a meeting and people suddenly start arguing with a negative tone. I'll probably experience immediate emotions like fear, anger, or sadness. The response is pretty predictable. My heart will start pounding, my hands will get sweaty, my breathing will get shallow. Those emotions can soon evoke feelings of dread or anxiety. Knowing this, I can choose to feel differently in the meeting. Even if those emotions come up instinctively, I can tell myself that the emotions are just telling me to pay attention, or to speak up for myself, or to feel empathetic toward others. Instead of allowing the emotion to evoke the feeling of dread, I can just let it be. Take a few deep breaths and choose to feel alert yet calm. I can keep breathing deeply, speak in an even tone, sit comfortably in my chair, think positively about the people in the room, choose to be a calm force amid the storm. All these choices generate a feeling that's different from what came up earlier. My automatic emotions don't have to be in charge. My feelings are my own. Over time, if I choose to create the feelings I want from my emotions, my brain will likely habituate to the new feelings. Fear suddenly doesn't feel so bad anymore because my brain has learned that I'll deal with it well. My old references for how I feel after the emotion has changed, and that can change the actual automatic emotion's power. The emotion of fear still might get triggered, but now the feeling I sense from it is what I've created. In the past. Emotions come and go. They're mostly immediate, instinctive and physical. But feelings last, and they're often a result of rumination, which you have control over. Anger can be the emotion that comes up, but bitterness, a lasting feeling, doesn't have to be your lifelong sentence. This might sound as if I'm just parsing words. And again, I acknowledge that my descriptions are imprecise. No description of any function of mind or body can be precise because there is always variance and no thought or emotion is an island. Our senses and intentions interact and overlap across a vast neural network. But I share this here because it's so thoroughly obvious that high performers are generating the feelings they want more often than taking the emotions that land on them. When high performing athletes say they are trying to get in the zone, what they mean is that they're trying to use their conscious attention to narrow their focus and feel in the zone. Being in the zone is not an emotion. That just happens as athletes will themselves there by minimizing distractions and immersing themselves in what they are doing. For high level athletes and high performers from all walks of life flow is a feeling they choose, it is summoned. Not a lucky emotion that conveniently happens to show up just in time for kickoff. It's when we stop being conscious of our feelings that we get in trouble. Then the negativity of the world can start stirring negative emotions which if we don't control the meaning of, can evoke long term negative feelings, which in turn set the stage for a horrible life. But if we seek to experience life and all its emotions and yet choose to feel centered, happy, strong and loving right through the ups and downs, then we've accomplished something powerful. We've wielded the power of willful feeling and suddenly life feels the way we want it to. That's what Kate had been forgetting. She was too lost in a sea of unpredictable emotions. She wasn't choosing to feel any one way over another. She wasn't aware of how she was treating the emotions and experiences. And so she just became reactive. She wasn't just going through the motions, she was going through the emotions. So she wasn't really feeling life the way she wanted to anymore. All I had to do was get her to choose how she wanted to feel in each situation she entered. And that intention activity alone brought more vibrancy and color back into her life. In your everyday life, start asking what do I want to feel today? How could I define the meaning of the day so that I feel what I want to? Next time you go on a date with someone, think about the feelings you want to create. Before you sit down with your child to work on math, ask what do I want to feel when I'm helping my kid? What feelings do I want them to have about me? About homework? About their life? This kind of clarity and intention will change how you experience life. Performance prompts Number one the emotions I've been experiencing a lot of lately. Number two the areas of life where I'm not having the feelings I want to. Number three the feelings I want to experience more of in life include. Number four the next time I feel a negative emotion come up, the first thing I'm going to say to myself is practice. 3. Define what's meaningful Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it. Don Harrell High performers can do almost anything they set their heart and mind to, but not every mountain is worth the climb. What differentiates high performers from others is their critical eye in figuring out what what is going to be meaningful to their life experience. They spend more time doing things that they find meaningful, and this makes them happy. It's not one of strength that locks us into unlived lives. Rather, it is lack of a decisive cause, something worth striving for an ambitious purpose that sets our hearts ablaze and our feet marching forward. Our striving for a meaningful life is one of the main factors associated with with psychological well being. But what do we mean by meaning? When most people talk about having meaning at work, they typically discuss a enjoyment of the tasks of work, b alignment of personal values with the work, and c fulfillment from the outcomes of the work. When researchers try to identify what is meaningful to people, they often focus on how important you say an activity is to you, how much time you spend at it, how committed you are, how attached to it you are, and whether you would do the work despite low compensation. They try to figure out whether you see the work as just a job or an important career or calling. They often associate a clear sense of purpose with an overall sense of meaning in life. Do high performers approach meaning the same way? We randomly selected 1,300 individuals who scored in the top 15% on the HPI and asked them questions such as how do you know when you're doing something meaningful? What does it feel like? If you had to choose between two good projects, how would you go about choosing the one that would be most meaningful to you? How do you know when you're doing something that isn't bringing meaning into your life? At the end of your life, how would you know whether you had lived a meaningful life? Since the questions were open ended, we combed through the responses looking for patterns. What emerged was that high performers tended to equate four factors with meaning. First, they linked enthusiasm with meaning. When forced to choose between two projects, for example, many mentioned they would do the one they could be most enthusiastic about. This finding dovetails with research findings that enthusiasm independently predicted life satisfaction, positive emotions, fewer negative emotions, environmental mastery, personal growth, positive relations, self acceptance, purpose in life, engagement, positive relationships, meaning, and achievement. Clearly, if you want a positive life, you would do well to summon as much enthusiasm as as possible. It was these feelings that inspired me to ask myself this question every morning in the what can I get excited or enthusiastic about today? That simple question has changed the way I walk into each day. Try it. The second link to meaning was connection. People who become socially isolated report that their life has lost meaning. Social relationships, especially with those closest to us, are the most frequently reported sources of meaning in life. Like everyone else, high performers value the relationships they have in life and work. What's unique about High performers, though, is that connection often correlates with meaning, especially at work. Connection is less about comfort than about challenge. In other words, high performers feel that their work has more meaning when they are in a peer group that challenges them in their everyday life, too. They value being around inspiring people who push them to grow more than, say, people who are just fun to be around or are generally kind. Third, high performers relate satisfaction with meaning. If what they are doing creates a sense of personal satisfaction, they feel that their life is more meaningful. Teasing out what satisfaction means to people is as difficult as finding out how they define meaningful. But for high performers, there is a clear equation for what leads to personal satisfaction. When your efforts correspond with one of your primary passions, lead to personal or professional growth, and make a clear and positive contribution to others, you tend to call those efforts satisfying. There's a formula in the book on page 86, and it's this one passion plus growth plus contribution equals personal satisfaction. Other researchers have found that security, autonomy, and balance can also be important to satisfaction, especially on the job. The fourth way that high performers say their efforts have meaning is by making them feel that their life makes sense. Psychologists call this coherence. It means that the story of your life or of the recent events in your life is comprehensible to you in some way. This sense of coherence seems to be particularly important to high performers. They want to know that their efforts align with something important, that their work is significant, and that their lives are creating a legacy and feeding a larger purpose. Often the desire for things to make sense is more important than to a high performer than are autonomy and balance. They will put their own desires for control or work life balance aside if they sense that what they are doing makes sense and adds to a greater whole. Certainly more research needs to be done on how high performers view meaning. The research my team and I have conducted gives us a good start, though you may find this simple equation helpful. Enthusiasm plus connection Satisfaction plus coherence equals meaning. Again, that's enthusiasm plus connection Satisfaction plus coherence equals meaning. Not all these factors need to be in play at once to give us a sense of meaning. Sometimes just watching your child walk across the room can do it. Or finishing that important report. A lovely date night or hosting a mentoring lunch can make life meaningful. The important thing is you need to bring more conscious and consistent thought to what you will find meaningful in life. You start by exploring your own definitions of meaning and how to enhance it in your life. When you learn the difference between busy work and your life's work. That's the first step on the path of purpose performance. Number one. The activities that I currently do that bring me the most meaning. The activities or projects that I should stop doing because they are not bringing me any sense of meaning are. If I was going to add new activities that bring me more meaning, the first ones I would add would be putting it all together. The meaning of life is whatever you ascribe to it. Joseph Campbell. You have to have a vision for yourself in the future. You have to discern how you want to feel and what will be meaningful to you. Without those practices, you have nothing to dream of and strive for. No pop and zest in your daily life propelling you forward. We've covered a lot in this chapter. How do we put all these practices together so that our practices for clarity are strong and consistent? I recommend the same thing I did for Kate, who felt that she was just going through the motions in her work, her relationships and her life. You'll recall that she was so good she didn't really need to try anymore. She forgot to look to the future and have strong intentions which led her to being busy but unfulfilled. It led her to feeling lost. To help her reorient herself, I had her begin a simple habit of contemplation that would hit all the practices you've learned in this chapter. I gave Kate a tool called the Clarity Chart. It's a one page journal sheet that I asked her to fill out every Sunday evening for 12 weeks. You can find the short version in the book and you can download the full page version at high priority. That's highperformancehabits.com tools of course you don't need to fill out the chart every week. You don't have to do anything I'm suggesting, but I promise that this activity will help you even if your responses don't change much from week to week. High performance clarity happens because we put these concepts up onto the dashboard of our conscious mind. Perhaps you've given occasional thought to the concepts we've discovered in this chapter, but our goal is to focus on these things more consistently than you ever have before. That's what moves the needle. With greater focus will come greater clarity and with greater clarity will come more consistent action and ultimately high performance. The Clarity Chart. Download a printable weekly version at Highperformance Habits in the book. It's on page 95 and on page 95 you'll see a chart with six boxes. One box says Self, another says Social. Another says skills. Another says service. The very things we covered in Practice 1 Self, Social Skills and Service Practice 2. You'll see a box for focusing on the feeling. Practice 3 you'll see a box for defining what's meaningful. Again, you can get this chart@highperformancehabits.com Tools.