How to Be Strong when Things are Chaotic

Every word has a tone to it. And the tone that we are setting in reply to chaos either furthers the chaos or it levels it. And the more of us who choose to be even tempered, thoughtful, caring, compassionate, you know, the values that we would all hope to have as a global citizenry, the more that we will judiciously take action in a thoughtful way. That's the hope. How are we going to set our emotional tone in this chaos? How are we going to find our strength, our center, and project goodness and compassion at a time when it is desperately needed? How are we going to hold the line in our businesses so that we don't overreact and going one direction when we ought to be in another? How do we manage all of this? Today is my joy to talk with you about. Number one is the decision that I will always be the one to remain centered amid the chaos. And I have worked on myself, and I have taught myself that for pretty much, you know, 25 years. I've worked on that at a very steady pace. When everyone's freaking out, I take a bunch of deep breaths, I connect with my breath, I make sure that I'm keeping perspective. But ultimately, that decision to I will be centered amid this means for me that I will choose the emotional tone and my attitude as I am dealing with uncertainty or chaos. You know, I remember years ago, I was doing an event, and a person in the back of the room had a seizure, and literally they fell out of the chair and on the ground, they started having a full physical reaction to the seizure as well, where they were shaking. And it was terrifying for the people around them. And I was kind of at the beginning of my career, and I saw it happen. It was almost in slow motion. And could you imagine you're on your stage, I mean, put yourself there, you're in front of, you know, hundreds or thousands of people, and all of a sudden somebody is, you know, falling over and having a full seizure in front of the whole audience. The whole audience literally starts looking back. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. People are standing up. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Total panic sets in the room. And I remember standing up there and I have this on video where at first my first reaction is, like, this, kind of, like, shocked, just like everybody else, like, whoa. And then I kind of look over and instantaneously in my mind, I go, brendan, you have to be in charge here. I didn't want to be in charge. I had to be in charge. And my mind immediately said, two choices here. Join the Panic or stay stable and strong and present and connected with what's really happening. And so that decision, I'm going to say, centered amid this, made me immediately also decide I need to center the audience. So I asked the entire audience, I just announced, I said, everyone sit down. And everyone just kind of looked at, I said, sit down. And everybody, they sit down. And I said, please sit down. Because your panic and your chaos right now is not serving the energy of this person who needs healing. Sit down, be quiet. Everyone. Please close your eyes so my team can address this situation. Please close your eyes and let's put some positive energy and prayer in the room for this person who needs our attention right now. This, they don't need negativity and fear in the room. Let's put some love and prayer. Let's do a little, let's send some energy. So please close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and remember you can choose to contribute good energy to the situation. And so I had everyone close their eyes, take a few deep breaths and meditate or send prayer back to this person. As my team was clearing that row and getting to this person so that when the paramedics would arrive, that person could remove. Be removed. Now here's the deal. I knew I had like 20 minutes at least before we could get a paramedic probably at that spot in the seminar. And I thought, how am I going to buy, buy 20 minutes? I mean, people are going to start freaking out. And I realized, no. If I set the emotional tanner in this room on purpose, and if I ask of others to find the best within themselves, if I ask of others to take a breath, if I ask of others to be responsible for the energy they are projecting into this space, if I ask of that, and if I demonstrate that we'll make it through this moment. And that might not seem like a big deal, but I really believe the energy in that room either was serving this man as he was having a seizure or was making it worse. You know, imagine here he is having this unbelievable, stressful, life threatening situation. And if all around him everybody is screaming in chaos. The body feels that, you know, the body and the mind feels the energy of what is around it. And so if that is true, let us all be responsible for the energy we are projecting right now. I've seen friends hop online and something's happening. And what are they doing? They're contributing to the chaos. They're posting snarky comments. There's sarcasm, blame, vitriol, anger. And I'm not here to say that we can't use our social mediums to contribute to an argument or to make a case. But every word has a tone to it. And the tone that we are setting in reply to chaos either furthers the chaos or it levels it. And the more of us who choose to be even, tempered, thoughtful, caring, compassionate, you know, the values that we would all hope to have as a global citizenry, the more that we will judiciously take action in a thoughtful way. That's the hope. And whether you believe that or not, I hope that you'll hear this first. Practice. Your family needs to see you centered, calm, strong and assured in chaos. Otherwise, we are passing down panic to another generation. It's sad, in my view, that we have a world that is so connected, so potentially capable, so well informed, and yet we still have people who overreact. Now, I'm not saying that overreaction isn't something you would anticipate, but there's a difference between overaction, as in taking action to overprotect, like doing something useful to shore up things, versus an emotional overreaction of fear. You can deal with really difficult situations without the negative range of blame, vitriol, hate, and anger. Now, I know I'm preaching to the.

Choir, but I'm just here today to.

Touch base with you. You can set that emotional tenor. Let's all do a better job at that. Let me give you a couple examples of how I'm doing it right now. To stay centered amid chaos, you also have to stay a little distanced from chaos even as it is happening. I'll give you an example of how I'm doing it. And many of you guys know I have four major companies that I'm either the principal in or one of the principal investors in. And for me, like lots of different teams around the world, and obviously you've seen here, we have a global community. Well, for me, because I'm constantly being hit up on this phone by people from literally around the world. And people count on me to advise their companies. So what do I do? I don't engage the chaos all day. Instead, I work my plan. And many of you already know how I do that with my morning routines. My morning routine doesn't change. Still stay steady, wake up, center my mind, plan my day, open up my body. But I also do simple things. Right now, right now, listen, I'm not checking in my phone every 10 minutes because right. Guess what you want to do in chaos?

Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh, refresh.

But every time you Hit refresh. And every time you scroll, don't forget, it takes emotional and mental energy. And if.

Refresh, refresh, refresh.

Chaos.

Bad news.

Bad news. Bad news. Bad news, Bad news. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Just think about that for a minute. You're hitting the oh, my God button all day when you're refreshing in chaotic news times. And that is creating the panic and the stress inside that is freaking you out. So as an example of simple things that I do, I only check in on the news twice a day. I always say news at noon, right? I'm going to get through my morning. I'm going to make the magic happen. I'm going to move my projects forward in the mornings. If it's news that I need to know about that affects me dramatically and locally, trust me, I'll hear about it. My friends or my wife or somebody will let me know via text. But I don't check in on the news because nothing's going to change for me in dealing with the news until around noon. And I know people say, well, what if this is canceled?

That's canceled.

You'll hear it from your family. You, you'll get the news. But I don't check into the major media. I don't check into social media multiple times a day. I don't check into. And I'm talking about what people are doing right now. They're hitting refresh by the minute, by the five minutes, by the time. How many of you are guilty about this? How many of you have been addicted to refreshing in the last 72 hours?

Right?

It's easy to do that when there's chaos, but that's also the most important time not to do that for your own psyche, right? That's the most important time to separate yourself from chaos versus what do you do. Reconnect to it every 30 seconds. Think about what that does. You cannot doesn't matter how conscious or intelligent or brilliant or meditative you are. If you check into oh my God, bad news 24 7, there is no human that. That does not start to shape your emotional reality. No human alive. The Dalai Lama couldn't do it without feeling that emotion if that's what he did 24 7. And right now, that's what we have people doing. And so I think what is necessary is to stay absolutely informed. But realize not a whole lot is going to shift in periods of time throughout the day. Now, I know it depends on what you do and how you respond in your career and where your family is and all these things. No question. No question. So here's what I suggest to you. To stay centered in the mid of the chaos, you choose how much you check in. You choose. And then at a conscious level, I'd say back it up a little bit. So however you're like, I gotta check 20 times this hour. But I'm like, okay, I appreciate that feeling and that concern. So let's just back. Could we check in just five times in the hour so you can actually get something done? So please don't think I'm saying don't be involved or don't be informed. I'm saying don't let the chaos eat you alive. Because listen to this statement. Chaos inside grows as checking in on the outside grows, right? The more everyone's freaking out and the more you listen to all of it, the more it infects you. Because there is also another contagion going on right now. And if you've studied neuroscience with me for a while or you've been with me in this community for a while, you know how much we talk about emotional contagion. Energy spreads. It's like, listen, we can act without losing our center. We can act without spreading fear. We can act without the anxiety. Like the stuff that I have to take on on a daily basis. If you saw it, you'd be like, oh, my gosh. But I choose not to address it with anxiety. I choose to be in center of my emotional reality, the chooser, the captain of the ship. And I just want you to be that observer of how you've been dealing with this and choose to stay centered amid the chaos. I do things like keep your morning routine. It is so important right now. That is stability in an unstable world. Don't overly engage what is happening. Don't contribute to the negative energy in any way. Even if you want to trust me, sometimes when I do check in, I want to say, you idiots. Oh, my gosh, what's happening over here? Don't be that person. It's not going to help your spirit or your soul. I promise you. Be the person who's centered amid the chaos. Here we go, my friends.

Hey, it's Brendan Burchard. We're going to dive deep into how do you gain some more emotional mastery in your life so you can handle those difficult times when you get frustrated.

When you get down, we get, like.

Beat up and, like, chewed out and.

Spit out by the world.

What are you gonna do to be your best self? That is the topic of today's conversation that emotional masteries Part that emotional intelligence we hear so much about, that ability to handle the difficulties and challenges of life with grace or a plume or being centered in the middle of all this chaos and turmoil. How do you be your best?

That's the topic of today.

We're talking about motivation at a deeper level. Maybe you haven't had with me before. The utmost, most important area of emotional mastery is mastering motivation. Now when I say emotional mastery, you're like, wait, isn't motivation just a topic, an area? I'm like, no, Motivation. Motivation is an emotion, right? A motivation is a motion emotion that you feel, that you feel a drive, a sense of hunger, a sense of want and sense of desire to, to make something happen. I believe motivation is one of the most important things we have to master in our total emotional sort of toolkit, right? Because if you can emotionally feel motivated every day, almost everything else can fall in line, right? If you're emotionally motivated to be a better mom, be a better caregiver, be a better parent, be a better lover, be a better entrepreneur, be a better business person, be a better contributor to the greater world. When there's a motivation pulling you forward out of bed each day into the office, into real life to be your best, then everything changes when you lose motivation. You and I both know the loss of motivation is the first gate to suffering. You lose motivation now you don't feel like doing anything. You don't feel like doing anything. You don't work out, you don't, you don't feel like working out, you don't feel like doing anything. You don't feel like doing anything. You don't want to do your goals. Don't feel like doing your goals. Feel unfulfilled. Feel unfulfilled. Feel unsatisfied. Feel unsatisfied.

Feel like life is meaningless.

It is a slippery slope when you lose motivation. But the issue is no one has motivation 247 all the time. Motivation is an emotion you learn to cultivate by using your mind, your body, your greater consciousness to ensure that you.

Feel that pull of purpose that you.

Feel that energy inside that says, I want to create, I want to contribute, I want to be my best self, I want to connect with people. And so motivation is something we're going to have to generate on a consistent basis. You have to learn to bring the joy. Because the power plant doesn't have energy, it generates energy. Motivation is something me, the motivation guy, I have the best selling book of the entire century with motivation. The title, it's called the Motivation Manifesto. If you haven't read it. And the motivation manifesto is like, if anything is imbued in that book, it is like this ferocity and this fierceness and this tension to living our best lives. But it has to be generated, because even though I'm the motivation guy, the there's plenty of days I wake up and I'm like, I don't feel like it. There's plenty of days, there's plenty of.

Moments where, just like you, I'm just.

Like, I'd rather be lazy and do nothing right now. And that's okay.

That's part of homeostasis.

That's part of our human body to want to power down, to relax, to chill out. But too much of that can lead to an unfulfilling life. So we must learn to generate the emotions of drive, desire, go get in this. Whatever you want to call motivation. And so it's something that we have to learn to stoke. Motivation is an emotion we feel by either luck or by purposeful conscious design. I just choose to design it into my day every single day. Motivation is driven by certain things. You have a spark, and you have something that sustains it, and something grows it. Okay? The spark of motivation, which is how I anchor into being motivated each day, is ambition. All motivation begins with the desire or hunger and ambition for more, Whether that's more depth or more connection or more contribution or more abundance or more wealth or more love. Like, we just want more of something. And that says, I want to go get that. We see a fancier car. It's better than our car. I want to go get that. We see, like, a deeper love of relationship between two people. I say, I want that in my own life. Sometimes it's a visual cue. Something we see makes us want something, right? Not too far from here, there's a beach that I strolled on vacation, I don't know, a couple years ago, and I said, I'm going to live here. And it was a motivation. It was a cue. I saw something desired, it wanted, it went after it, like. So sometimes it's a visual. It's a cue out in the world that says, I want more of that thing. And ambition can be visually cued for some people.

If you just wake up.

I mean, think about it. You wake up, you grab your phone, you're like, you know, and all of a sudden, you don't have any motivation.

Instead, you look through all this stuff.

And all it did make you feel like you're not enough or it distracted you or it upsets you or created you know, anger, anxiousness. You got to be careful how you're using cues to start your day. I use cues to start my day motivated. And those cues to start my day motivated are things like, I literally wake up, and I'll wake up and I'll think of things that I'm grateful for and that I want to give in life. I'll wake up and I'll think about someone I want to do something nice for or surprise. Today, I'll think of something I can.

Be excited about today.

I'll as soon as possible in the morning, revisit my ambitions, list my goals, list. I'll look at them. I'll not wander through the day looking at social media. And then, oh, I guess it's time to work and look at my goals. It's like, my goals. I mean, in the first few minutes of the day, I'm revisiting them. And what I'm doing is when I'm looking at my goals or my agenda or my schedule, I'm looking at it. I'm thinking, okay, why do I want this? What would life be like?

Like this?

How could I go get it? What should I do today to make that happen? And that motivates me. That's my list of goals, my list of ambitions, the things that can excite me. In other words, it's very intrinsic goals. It's intrinsic goals, rewards that I'm after. I'm like, if I go do that, I will feel better. If I could have this, I'd be happier, right? It's not that I can't be happy with now, but I want to pull. Like, if I can have that future pull, that's going to motivate me to go do stuff, right? I have to literally generate that in my mind. And so when I have that connection in the morning, then my takeaway for you is connect with your ambitions every morning, very first thing in the morning. Somehow part of your morning routine. Connect with your ambitions. Look at them. Why do you want them? What would you get from that? How would you feel from that? What would that generate? Why would that be more meaningful? Really connect with that ambition every single morning, and you'll start to notice. You feel better. Because remember, if you're at hpa, if you've ever attended our event or seminar, you also know this reality that motivation wanes with attention. Meaning if we don't give our ambitions, our goals, a lot of attention, the motivation just goes away. Because motivation is either fueled by our attention or by momentum, right? It either takes reflection or Action to generate serious sustained motivation, either reflection or action. Because ultimately from the reflection that gives us clarity and clarity can give us confidence, or action can give us momentum. And when we have momentum, motivation is way easier to cultivate, generate and sustain, obviously. So these are really important concepts. Every morning, get very close to your goals ambitiously. What are those things that you want, desire, need and would enjoy and what do you need to go to get? That's the intrinsic type of things, the things we'll feel good about, the drive, satisfaction, fulfillment, meaning excitement in us. But I also have my extrinsic meaning, my external cues or goals or rewards.

That also I revisit.

So for me, example, when I always tell you, wake up each day and at some point say, who needs me on my A game for me, every morning I re anchor down into my relationships. I think about, okay, if I don't show up today and do a good job, then my wife and I have a lower quality of life. Then I can't support my mom, then I can't support my team. Then all these people who count on me every day for motivation or count on me for leadership, or count on me for support, they don't get that from me. And I tap into that reality that if I don't show up for somebody today, then you know what, by the end of the night I'll feel worse about myself, but also it will impact other people. Because you cannot have real high powered mental motivation without a connection to other people. We are social animals, so we have to think about, okay, what should I do? How can I contribute in a way that serves other people? So where that internal one is about self and, and satisfaction and fulfillment and meaning personally, that's tapping into our own passions, desires, wants and hungers. That external one is ultimately about service, about giving or taking care of or being the caretaker of other people. And you cannot just keep starting your day. I guess I'll get some coffee and read the news and see what's on social media, or hop into the car and listen to trash talk radio or turn on the tv, hope to find motivation later in the day.

Like you want to kick off the.

Day, Kick off the day with motivation. Like get already in the morning immediately in a good state of mind. When I'm in a great state of mind, it's like, bam, the day goes. And you know what? If you start the morning in the right frame of mind, motivated, driven, because you're connected to what drives you and what will serve other people, then when.

You start like running out of gas.

At noon, 1, 2 or 3.

And it's easier to like re spark.

That flame than to fuel that flame, than to start a new fire, right? Because some people just keep waiting. They don't even think about, I guess I should be motivated until they've lost it. I want you to start the morning with it and sustain it throughout the day by revisiting. Remember, the secret to all of motivation is, is revisiting those whys. It's revisiting that ambition that you have for your life, for more, for others, for contribution. That's everything, right? That's everything. And if you get away from that too many days, too many weeks, too many months, I'm just here to tell you you're really going to struggle.

So I hope that helps.

Every morning, everybody, every single morning, I really want you to connect with that. Okay, what am I motivated? What am I driven by? And that's going to really.

I can't explain how much that's going to help you.

You will feel it and you will know it if you will do it every morning. Okay? Motivation starts in the morning, but it's also sustained by that morning frame of mind. So that's really key. That's the first idea behind motivation. Connect with your ambitions first thing every single day. Give attention to that every single day. Here's something I don't often talk about, but it's important for me because it's very easy for me to be really effective in the mornings. And then that afternoon, two, three o', clock, and I could just be like, man, I want to go outside, take a walk, come back, turn on some Netflix, eat some carbs. You know, that can be my afternoon if I'm not careful. So here's what I do. I have a checkpoint in the mid afternoon to recognize, reward, appreciate anything that I have done today. Anything that I have done today. And that midpoint checkpoint for me on my phone, I just have an alarm. Mine tends to go off around 2:30 or 3:00 clock in the afternoon. It just flashes to me and it says, what's been great today? What's great, been great today. And so that will cue me, all right, it's time to visit what's been great today. So I'll just think about something I've done.

It could be like I answered 10.

Emails today that I have been avoiding. Good job. It can be as simple as, I made that one call, I said I was going to call, did it, I shot that content, created that thing, whatever, some type, like, listen, motivation is often Driven by recognition. So recognize what you have done so far in the day, early afternoon. Then what I do in order to keep myself motivated even more, because I've set in my mind I want to be a person who's excellence driven. What I will do is I say, okay, here's what's great so far. And then I ask just a simple question. How do I complete this day with excellence? Just a simple touch point in the afternoon.

How do I complete this day with excellence?

So I will look at the rest of the day, whether that's two hours.

More, four hours more, five hours more, six hours more, whatever it's going to be for me.

And I go, okay, how do I.

Think through the rest of this day with real excellence? And when I can connect with that, I'm telling you, it's just so part of me and it really makes me want to serve. So please think about having a mid afternoon connection point to keep yourself motivated. You'll feel a whole different quality of life. Come in. I promise. It's a different experience for people because most people, they're just running and gunning through the day. They don't realize or understand or accept how challenging it is to lose motivation. And so they've gone. Many people, they've gone weeks without being motivated. They're going through the motions, but there's no energy, there's no emotional pull towards something better. And because they're lacking that emotional pull, what ends up happening, they dog it. They don't contribute as much, they react and sort of create. And all of a sudden a couple weeks later they're like, I don't know why I'm so unfulfilled. Well, no doubt you're so unfulfilled because you haven't been tapping into that emotion of motivation. When we lack motivation, it is a slippery slope to suffering. So please recognize that you must cultivate more motivation. What else can you do? Well, I'll tell you, it's like ambition, attention to those ambitions, effort towards those things. I think all of that is really, really, really clear. But I also really believe that a lot of motivation is simply lost because of fatigue. So let's say you're doing all those things but you're wiped out, you're tired. Like a lot of motivation really rests on how you feel physically. If you feel lethargic, you feel tired, you have the flu. It's like it's harder to be more motivated. You can still do it by doing what I've talked about. Re cue yourself, reconnect with those things. But health wise, it's really critical for you to say, okay, If I want to be motivated long term, I need to feel greater levels of mobility and energy in my body. So if you ever hung around me, I'm constantly bouncing and moving and breathing. And if you've been with me at hpa, you see some of these practices, this breath work that I do, that I'm activating and opening up my body so that my body says, let's go versus right? So my body's not like, oh, I ate this terrible thing. Instead, my body says, I feel refueled, I feel ready to go, let's go. So I manage my sleep, my diet, my health in ways that support my mental clarity and energy. And I know that, like sounds. Sometimes people think motivation is just a mental game. I'm like, yes, but your mind and your body are connected. If your body is lethargic, so is your mind.

Right?

That brain body connection is real, y'. All. And I know you know that you've been sick, you've been tired, there's times when you've been out of shape, you feel terrible. So I'm here to encourage you as I always do, if every single month in high performance, I have to cheer you on, to get in better health, to prioritize your health, to sleep good, to eat well, to move. If I have to do that every single month, I will do that. I will be your champion. I will cheer you on. I want you in excellent health this year. So please hear me cheer that on every single month. Because I just know I get you in better health. I get you in better mental health. We get you in better mental health. It's easier to sustain that fire and that drive, that purpose, that motivation, that thing will bring you satisfaction, joy, and meaning. I know you guys get this, but I want to fire you up today. Like, this is something you must fire up on your own. This will be fleeting. Of course it's fleeting if you never look at it.

I tell you all the time, no.

Wonder you're not motivated. You haven't thought about what motivates you in three days.

Just think about that.

No wonder you're not motivated. You haven't thought about what motivates you in three days. Every morning, I'm a deep dive in.

What'S going to motivate me.

I get excited about it. I look at it, I'm like, okay, let's go. If I didn't do that, I need coffee.

Everybody wants these three things. We all want aliveness, connection, and meaningful. Pursuits. And these are things that I promise after you make your next 10,000 or $100,000, or you have your next child, or you move to that dream place, or. Or you get that perfect job, or you start that new business, no matter how busy you get or how successful you get, these three things never go away. Our sense of aliveness is our sense of being. Our sense of aliveness is that thing that we all want. Enthusiasm, zest, pop, joy, emotional vitality, right? Vibrancy, full presence. That sense of aliveness each day, where we feel the day, where we bring the joy. These are themes. So here's what I have to ask you. What could you do this month to feel more alive? What could it be this month?

Maybe it's.

You get your family together on Zoom once a week just to feel, like, a sense of joy if you like your family. If you don't, maybe you go take an adventure. Maybe you do more of your art. Maybe you do that creative endeavor again. You go out in the garage and you build the thing. Maybe you try something new. You challenge yourself. But also, please know what's the other side of aliveness? Well, deadness. So is there anything that is in your life that you are just like that is just. That shouldn't be in my life? It drains your life. Drains your life. An obligation, a task that you can outsource or help get some assistance with. Is there something that is just draining your energy, your good energy? If it's a person, a place, a thing, what is it? Let's think about it, okay? The last 30 days, the last 60 days here in 2021, is there anything that has stolen your sense of aliveness? What is it and how can you change that thing, alter that thing, outsource that thing, quit that thing? I mean, you want to feel more alive, you got to get rid of things that don't make you feel that way. But not in a. You have to do it in a responsible manner. We got to find what makes us feel alive. Maybe comedy makes you feel alive. Maybe you need to dance more. Maybe it's time you put on some music around the house. Whatever you got to do to feel more alive. That's got to be a focus of this month. Our theme is focus. What should be our focus? How alive we feel, how present we feel, how vibrant and healthy we feel. These are things that you should plan for. These are things that you should plan for. The second thing you see there is connection. We all want connection with ourselves, the world, other people, specifically, after we've had everything. Want a deeper connection with self and others, right? What is that relationship that you need to improve with yourself or others or.

Your God or your creator?

What is that relationship that you could go deeper on? As an example, somebody who you know, you should set your relationship goals on.

The first of the month, right?

So what are your relationship goals for this month? What's your relationship goal for your spouse or your relationship goal with your son or your daughter? What's your relationship goal with your key team members? So what are some goals you could set to deepen connections with your customers, your clients, your friends, your family, your loved ones, your spouse, the kids? Like, really think about that last up, but certainly not least is these meaningful pursuits. We all want a sense of meaning, satisfaction, and engagement in pursuing something, in progressing towards something, in achieving or contributing or creating something. These are your creation goals or your contribution goals, right? Your meaningful pursuits. It's your artistic endeavor, it's your hobby, it's your passion, it's your purpose, it's your mission. Whatever it is, it's something you draw meaning from just by being in the hunt, just by engaging or doing the thing. So what are you going to do this month that you're going to find meaningful, satisfying, fulfilling? And again, what are the things you got to get rid of? They're just not tasks that you find meaningful, fulfilling, satisfying, engaging. So let's talk about focus now. So if we set our goals each month around aliveness, around connection, around meaningful pursuits, and we think about how we want to grow into those things, let's figure this out. Your focus at any given time is based on what I call three states of mind. And these three states of mind are where your mind is going at any given time, consciously or unconsciously. Very few people are aware of it, but once you become aware of it, you realize how you can regain. Regain your focus. For the most part of our unconscious life, especially as we're young and striving to build something and we're not familiar with personal development, we're just kind of going through the motions. Our mind, our mental chatter, a lot of our unconscious thoughts are built on protecting ourselves. Our thoughts are protectionist.

Right?

You all call this survival mode. Your mind has that part of our evolutionary history that is very focused on protecting ourselves. And we protect ourselves not just physically, but we protect ourselves emotionally and mentally. And so what does this have to do with focus, a lot of people's focus, without them even being aware of their consciousness. Yet a lot of their focus is always on worry, on protecting ego on fear based thinking. All of these thoughts, this mental chatter is to protect oneself or one's things, or one relationships or one's standing and identity in the world. I need to protect my status, my ego and my standing in this community.

Right?

I'm embarrassed to be seen starting small because I need to protect the sense that I have strength and respect. We're protecting ourselves a lot. If you are not moving towards them swiftly with focus and discipline, it's because in your mind it's saying, be careful, don't go too fast.

What if they don't like you?

What if it doesn't work out? And in the way that you know you're protecting mindset, it always almost is this internal state of thought that says what if? Followed by a negative statement. What if it doesn't go well?

What if I don't know what I'm doing?

What if they judge me? What if there's ruin? What if there's regret? What if there's disaster? What if it was better over there and I wasted my time? What if I choose the wrong thing? That's the protecting mind. And sometimes when we don't have the focus we want during the day, it's because we're scared all the time. You know why a lot of people lack discipline? Not because they don't have things they want. It's because it's easier not to do something when you're scared. It's because it's easier not to do something when all your thoughts are saying, what if this doesn't turn out? Well, let me just disengage. It's not that you as a human lack the character trait of discipline and hard work or commitment. It's that your thoughts are betraying you. Your thoughts are on this merry go round of doubt you follow? And that doubt sounds like protective thinking, protecting the ego, the sense of security, protecting who we feel like we should be or are, protecting our current bank account, protecting our current progress. And I'm not here to say protecting thoughts are bad. I'm here to contextualize our conversation today about focus and discipline and drive. So if you feel like you lack focus, you probably have a lot of fear. If you feel like you lack discipline, you have a lot of doubts. If you feel like you lack drive, you have a lot of discouragement. Because every time you try something, the brain goes, well, I look stupid, I better quit. This ain't working. What if it gets worse? What if it never turns out? What if followed by a negative statement is how our mind can trick Us from being focused, disciplined and driven. Now listen. Thank God our mind has that mental chatter of protecting. It's the thing that keeps you out of going down strange places where your intuition is saying, hey, don't go there. It's what helps you protect yourself in times of crises. It activates the part of you that reacts swiftly and carefully to protect your physical being.

Right?

It's survival mode. Sometimes survival mode is needed when you're in real threat. But I can also share with you. I thought my plane was going to crash and I didn't allow my brain to go into threat. I heard it go there and I said, let me choose a different thought pattern right now. Let me turn my focus to something useful. If I'm and you all. I hope this doesn't sound metaphorical because this is real. If that plane is going to go down when I'm in it, I don't want my last minute or two to be focused on the terror of it. I grab my thoughts back and I start praying and giving appreciation for this incredibly blessed life. I start asking for my family and my friends to know I lived a happy life, for them to continue living.

A happy and a great life even.

If I am not here. I want to be intentional with that last minute or two or three minutes, even though my amygdala is going, holy crap, this plane, the smell that's still there. But what I'm trying to encourage you is with enough time and personal development, you can override the protectionist things that take away from the experiences that you want in life. We can teach our brain we can override those things with enough time. I'm not here to say it's easy. I'm here to say it's required for a good life. That's the difference. I don't care if it's easy. I just go crazy when people say, well, Bren, that sounds hard or easy for you. I'm like, oh, ease is not the goal. Progress is. Ease is not the goal. Consciousness is. I'm not worried about making it easy on you. I'm here to say these are the requirements of a good life. What else? Where else is our brain often? Well, often in our day to day we're actually more in what I call a processing mind. Right, a processing mind. What does that mean? Well, a processing mind means it's your thinking mind. Right, it's your thinking mind. So what is that? Well, it's you just ruminating on things, thinking through things. Why did she do that? Why do I feel this way what's next?

What do I need?

What am I learning here? Why did that thing happen? It's the questioning, inquisitive, curious mind that's just chugging along. It's just going. And that inquisitive mind is wondering how things are going to turn out. Or it's wondering what's next, or it's wondering. But here's something to know. Here's something to know. This is also where analysis paralysis happens. We got any over thinkers out here? Anyone? Just. You're always you just thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking, studying and studying and studying, but not always taking action. Just like you're stuck in processing all the time. Or some of you, something happened last week and you're still thinking about it. It's gone. It should be let go, it should be forgiven. It shouldn't be on your mental dashboard today. You got missions to serve, people to serve, things to do today, but you're still thinking about something that happened. I was in an emergency plane ride on Tuesday. I'm not feeling it or thinking about it today other than to share a lesson with you. It's not like I woke up today thinking about it.

No.

Instead I said, well, that's not going to be useful. Me processing that a million times and.

Running it over and over in my mind.

What is that going to achieve?

Okay, it happened.

Cool. What's the lesson? Great. Move on. And this is so important. Some of you are still feeling the same anger and emotion about something that happened a decade ago. And it's stealing from your aliveness. It's stealing from your connection with other people. It's stealing from your sense of meaning and joy. And you got to get a hold of that. If you got divorced 10 years ago and you're still processing it, get a therapist. And I mean that with not judgment, with joy to recommend professionals to you. If you're still processing something that happened when you were in high school, when she broke up with you or that person, and that negative thinking or that negative emotional reality is still here with you decades later, raise your hand and be proud about asking for help and getting a professional person to help you work through that. I'm not here to say that we should all be able to get over things quickly. If you've ever studied my work, you recognize I don't lack empathy or intelligence around how the brain works. I get it right. I spend my life in human behavior change. I understand it takes time. I understand it needs support. I understand sometimes you don't even know what's going on. And that's why you might need a coach or a therapist or. Or to at least even voice it for the very first time to your friends, your family, your community. But if you're still processing over and over, replaying things from the past over and over and over again in a way that's limiting your sense of aliveness, connection, or meaningful pursuits, it's time to deal with that thing, right? Sometimes the most powerful thing in processing is to close it down.

What do I mean by that?

Okay, that situation. I didn't like it, period. Didn't like it. Learn from it, period. And not drag all those emotions into today. Not drag all that feeling into today. Right? And I am not here to offer therapeutic advice to you.

I am a coach. But what I am here to suggest.

To you is that be aware of where are you stuck on something. Where are you just in forever, processing, thinking, ruminating, because that can also spin your mind into equal deficit as much as protecting. And all of a sudden, it's just like, ugh. And what I want to encourage you to do, even in those experiences, at some point, we got to shift the mind into progressing, Progressing. Okay, what's the next right action of integrity for me? What's the next thing I can do to move the ball forward? What's the next thing I can say to myself to release the past and get on with it? Sometimes we have to interrupt the thoughts and say, okay, what's next? Let me get this old clunky brain here into motion again. And that's what's going to give you the liveness and the connection and the progress towards those meaningful pursuits. And it's like, you got to take hold of mine and go, okay, what's the next right action of integrity? Like, let me switch my gears. It's why I have to fill out my high performance planner every morning. Because my mind, I'm a nutty professor. I will be in processing and thinking and analytical all day. I will. I have to go, Brennan. Okay, action, progress. Move it forward. Otherwise, you know what? Without progress, the mind goes a little batty. It gets restless, it gets frustrated. Now you get discouraged and sad and upset. But we need a little bit of that progress to sense that momentum. And that momentum gives us more confidence. That confidence gives us more competence. Those senses give us a little more mastery and engagement of the day. But guess what? Some of you, you're in progress mode all the time, and your family's like, can you take a minute to just eat your food? Can you just Chill out for five minutes to be with your child. Can you just relax one night? Can you just not work till X amount? Or could you please stop putting in the 100 hour workweek? Like, you know, sometimes when you're in just action, progress, progress, progress mode, we're in trouble. So all of these things, I hope you hear me saying, examples of good and bad, right? Protecting can be good, processing can be good, progress can be good. But they can also equally have their negative flip side, right? If you progress, if you're always progress.

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

And you don't take care of yourself, we're in trouble. So I'm hoping to draw this out, to say your focus is in one of these three buckets. Sometimes it's all simultaneous, sometimes it's one focus. Some of you live a life in one of these buckets.

Does that make sense?

Many of you, it's like you might go. Some of you can identify a year or two or 10 years where you were just in one of these things and you never made that shift.

Here's how to do Great network in the room. So let's put you in the room, right? You've been invited to an event where a lot of the movers and shakers are there or people who could be in your group or your downline or could become clients or are peers who you really respect. What's the best way to start that first conversation? My first piece of advice for you in networking is to always use the context to your advantage. Use the context. What does that mean? It means the opening line and the opening conversations to you that are 100% available all of the time is getting the other person talking about where they're at, right? If you're all at a particular type of networking event in a particular kind of building, well, obviously you can talk about that area of town, you can talk about that building. If you're there at a symphony, you get to talk about the symphony, right? The context itself gives you so much conversation points. But what I want to do is actually give you my super secret, super famous line that will do it for you. That is so powerful. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to say to them, okay, are you ready for this? I want you to say to them, let's say you're at a. I'm just going to use an example. You're at a fundraiser, you're at a fundraiser, there's a lot of people there. And at this fundraiser you have the ability to meet some people that first person you walk at the fundraiser, what do you say? Like we have a lot of really successful people here watching this. So type down below in the comments down below, please, what would you say to the person? You're at a fundraiser, you meet somebody, what would you say to them? First line out of your mouth, first line out of your mouth, what would you say to them? What do you want? You think about it, would you go to them and give them your elevator pitch? Probably not. You don't know anything about them. You can introduce yourself, introduce your name, that's helpful. But do you introduce your name and then tell them what you do, however the chitchat happens, and chitchat is usually contextual, right? That's why I say use the context. Chit chat can be, you know, ah, this fundraiser is really amazing. You're at a fundraiser. This fundraisers are really amazing. How did you hear about it? Here we are, a whole group of people together. It's the easiest first thing. Hey, here we are at the symphony. How'd you hear about it? Hey, here we are at this networking event for multi level marketing. Hey, here we are. This multi network marketing thing. How'd you hear about this company? How did you hear about it? Is the easiest entry. Oh, I got this person introduced me or I heard about it this way, my friend. Like starting with the. That's why I say use the context. Ask how did you hear about this.

Very event we're at?

We're at the symphony, we're at the fundraiser, we're at the network event. How'd you hear about this thing? Oh, my buddy so and so Pete.

Oh, cool.

Why did you want to come here? That next question. Why did you want to come? I know the director, my friend's in the downline. Oh, I want to come with this. How did you hear about it? Why did you want to come? That why did you want to come? Is often a jumping point in asking what they do, right? Oh, how did you hear about it? Why did you want to come? Oh, that's interesting. What do you do? Oh, well, I'm in this area. I'm in that area.

Okay, cool.

That is the easiest chit chat way to get into a conversation. How did you hear about it? Why did you want to come? What do you do? Simple, simple, three steps, right? So I always, that's always easy for me. Always easy for me. But then I don't like to spend too much time chit chatting from there. That's as much that I'm going to chit Chat. I don't want to talk about the weather. I don't want to talk about the punch. I don't want to gossip. My next favorite question, this is like the big four, I call it sometimes. How'd you hear about it? Why did you want to come and what do you do? Next big question I love to ask is, you know, there's a lot of really successful people here. What do you think made you, like the most successful in what you do? And it's complementary, right? What do you think made you successful? When you think about your career or your life, what do you think are three things that made you successful? I'm just curious. I loved asking people that. I kind of collect people's success stories, like, what made you successful? And they're like, oh, well, gosh, I had mentors. My, you know, my mom was like this. Oh, I practice these habits. Oh, well, I worked really hard. And whatever they share now the relationship really deepens. Well, it made me successful. You know, I had great parents. Oh, tell me about them. Tell me about them. I had great mentors. Huh? Who's the number one mentor? Oh, you know, I guess I just had a lot of doors open for me and I had a lot of luck. Well, what was like the biggest door that over opened for you? Whatever they say, when you say, hey, now, notice the context here. There's a lot of successful people here. What do you think made you successful? Whatever comes out, just dig down another two layers. Well, my parents. Tell me about them. Who's most, you know, just like whatever that comes from there. My mentor. Oh, who is the most important mentor? What's the best value they ever taught you? If you get someone talking about what made them successful? Have you ever noticed people like to talk about themselves? I'm sure you all read Dale Carnegie's how to Win Friends and Influence people. His whole thing is smile at other people and ask them about themselves and use their name.

I think that was the big three things, right?

So simple, right? Smile, ask them to talk and, and use their name a lot. I mean, listen, guys, it doesn't have to be that hard, but I promise you, if you go in weaponized with this information, comment, use the context, huh? How'd you hear about it? Why did you want to come here? What do you do? And lots of successful people here. What made you successful? Do that with one person. Then when that natural break in the conversation comes, guess what they're probably going to do after you've asked those types of questions, they'll ask you the same or you share like they share? I was successful because these things, then you get to share what made you successful. Oh, I totally get that. You know, for me it was just like this. But they'll ask. Most people will ask. I'd say 80% of them will ask back, oh, well, what do you do? What made you successful? And now you started the conversation in recognition that you're both successful, that everything's good. Now I know some people are going to comment down below, well, what if the person I'm talking to isn't successful and they're like, well, I'm not successful and be like, oh well, what's been the biggest obstacle you faced so far?

That's it.

What's been the biggest obstacle you faced so far? When you find that out, you start learning about the person and seeing where you can add value. And I also know some of you have the self perception problem where you don't have the confidence yet. So you're like, well, when they say, well what made you successful? And you're like, well, I'm bankrupt. I'm living on my friends couches. And if you think I'm making fun of you, I'm not. That was my real story. So I was still out there networking. I was bankrupt. I was literally living. My friends wouldn't even give me the dignity of their couch. They gave me a half inflated airbed on the side of the, you know, the little nook between the TV and the wall. You know, at that point they're like, our couch is too valuable for you, Burchard. So that's a true story. I was networking even then and I remember when some person saying to me something similar, it's like, oh, well, you must be successful being this room. And I said, you know what, I feel like I'm successful because I'm a grateful person and I just want to add value to people. And I kind of feel like I'm on my starting journey of that. Any tips for the new guy? And that humility. If you're talking with somebody who's more successful, asking them for tips in your genre, in your career, in your industry is so valuable. And I always said to something like that I was like, any tips for the new guy? Just humble, like, wow, you're so amazing at what you're doing. Any tips for the new guy? They'd always say the same thing, keep working at it. Keep believing in yourself, work hard. They'd always say the same things and be like, that's really good advice. What do I say with that, I wouldn't. Most people, when they ask someone for advice, do you have any advice for me? What they usually do is their next move is you want to ask them for something. Oh, that's good. Can, you know, can I ask you a favor instead? When they say, you know what, here's. Yeah, I can give you some tips. Tell you what, work hard, be grateful, keep at it. The first thing I say to them is like, those are really good. Who taught you? Those? Who taught you X is one of my favorite questions to ask somebody. When someone ever gives me advice, I'm like, I love that. Who taught you that? Sometimes I say, I learned it through hard knocks, kid. Most of the time they're like, oh, you know what? I had a mentor. How would the mentor teach you? When you get someone talking about what made them successful or who their mentors were, it's a whole different relationship than everyone else. They're talking about what the weather or what that woman's wearing over there. Don't gossip and don't chit chat. The most amount of chit chat I will allow for you is, how'd you hear about this? Why'd you want to come? Anything outside of that, I really believe, if it doesn't lead you towards observing successful people here, acknowledging them that they're a successful person, asking what they're doing or what has made them successful, I think you're missing huge opportunities and I think all of you will be stunned when you actually put this into play. Like, I know you can be writing down in journal right now, you're like, yeah, yeah, Brandon, sounds good. But when you actually do them and you leave that party or you leave that networking event, you're like, whoa, that was a whole different conversation. And why do I ask you to do this? Relationships and the conversation of success tend to be things that are very personal for people. It's about their dreams and their relationships. So guess what? You talked to person number one and you talked about what made them successful. Maybe you got some tips from them. Maybe you learned about who made them successful. You talk to person number two, three, four, and five. When you go to introduce person number five to person number one, you get to say something very honoring of them. When you introduce person five to number one, you say, hey, person number five, I want you to meet person one. We just met. But what I love about person number one is that, like me, they had a mom that taught them about life. Or what I love about person number one is, you know, they became very successful in this pharmaceutical thing they were just telling me about. And they really became successful because they felt like they had this amazing, like, daily habit. Would you tell them about the daily habit? Would you tell them about your mom? Would you tell them about this successful thing? You already have an introduction, and I want you to write down this phrase. Person number five, meet person number one. What I love about person number one is when you do that, person number one's like, he listened. Wow. This person absolutely listened. This person is honoring me in front of another person right now. That's amazing. And then if you can engage him and say, hey, person number one, you know, reason I brought person number five over here, I thought they had the similar value or the similar experience or they're successful. And what I love about them is. And all you are doing is you are linchpinning these two together based on what you loved and respected about what they told you about their success journey or their relationships.

Got it?

I'm always listening for what's their success journey and who's important in their relationships. If they honored their mom or their first teacher. There's something like that. So let me give you an example. Remember I told you about my teacher Linda Belew a minute ago.

If you and I are at a.

Party now and you come up with another person you met at that party and say, hey, Brendon, I want you to meet person number five, Sarah here. Don't say person number five. That might be weird, but say, brendan, I'd like you to meet Sarah. You know what, Sarah? One thing I love about Brendan is, you know, as he's striving for success, he's still thanking his teachers from 25 years ago. Brendan, you have that story about Linda Ballou. Tell Sarah about it. I'm gonna be like, you are awesome. Yes, please let me talk about Linda Ballou. She's important in my life, and now I'm have that connection with Sarah. So I'm gonna tell Sarah about Linda Ballew, and then I'm gonna say, what to Sarah? Did you have any important teachers in your life? And she's gonna say, oh, yes, my fifth grade teacher. So and so. And we're gonna have this great conversation. And when we leave at night, we didn't talk about the weather or the punch bowl. I'm gonna remember forever her teacher. She's gonna remember forever my teach. And you were the linchpin to unite us in a beautiful memory about someone who made a difference in our life. Are you following the different strategy here? It's Such a different experience. This is why you were in coaching. This is high performance experience. There's a different experience in life. It's sometimes so simple and subtle, but your job is getting people to share about their success journey and the relationships that were important to them. And then you get to connect people that way. It's everything. Next up, what else can you do? I think asking people about their priorities is everything. Is everything. I mean, I might only be three, four or five minutes into a conversation and I'll say something like, you know what, it's mid February. What's most important to you to finish this month? That's a priority, right? What's most important to you this month? Or if it's the first of the month or always just use the date or the time or the season, hey, you know, we're in the last quarter of the year, like what are you trying to do by the end of the year? Or hey, you know what, it's Valentine. What's most important to you right now about your relationship?

Right.

Whatever you like. Use context, use the time of the year and ask them what's most important to you in X? Whatever it is you know you shared with me. You're trying to build schools in this other country. What's most important to you about making that happen? What's the most important thing to you about making that happen? What's the most important thing that you need to do in the next three months to make that happen? I love that question. If someone ever shares a dream with you, I really want you to listen to me closely. If anyone ever shares a goal or a dream with you, your next follow up question should be something the effect of, oh wow. What's most important for you to do in the next three months to make that happen? And here's why. I love to ask that question. If you say, what's your first step? Everyone's going to say, what's the first step? But if you say, what's most important to you to do in the next three months, it stops the person and makes them think, why is that important? When you stop a human at a networking event and you make them think they want to stay in conversation with you longer, you're going beyond the punch bowl. Now you're having a deep conversation. What's most important to you in the next three months to make happen towards your dreams? Not many people talk like that. When you're someone who's talking like that, they're just like, wow, you know, this person is interested in my dreams. And I think that's really vital to have. Okay. I think there's three things you should know about every person that you're going to meet. At least five people at a networking event, anywhere else out there. I think there's three things. Number one, always know what people are trying to create or build. Are they trying to create a movement? Are they trying to create a better career? Are they trying to create a better life for their family? Are they trying to build a school?

Are to they trying.

Are they trying to build competency in a specific skill set? Are they trying to build their empire? What every person. Like, we're built like one of our human aspirations is our desire of creation. We came from creation. If you're a spiritual person, if not, no worries. But like, things are created, things build. The universe is being created by itself.

Even if you don't believe in God.

It'S building and expanding itself. The like that is part of our DNA and part of the whole universe. So it's like, what is it a human is trying to create and build in their life? Some people, they're just trying to build their career. So what do they want to do in their career? Ask them. Ask them. I always like that I'm a person who. I don't mince words a lot. I don't chit chat a lot. So I ask them directly. I'm like, hey, at this stage of your life or your career, what is it you're really trying to create and build? That's literally the question I try to ask. What is it you are trying to create and build? What is it you are trying to create and build at this stage of your life or your career? And sometimes I'm just trying to create some sanity at home. Great, now you know what's important to them. And now you can continue that conversation. Oh, what's up at home? And now you learn some things. Now you might be able to recommend some books or introduce them to someone who's dealing with those same parental issues or the same relational issues. So what are they trying to create and build? This one I love in my own industry. What are you trying to create and build? I'm trying to build my Instagram. Oh, what do you want to achieve with your Instagram? Oh, I'd like to reach a million people. Oh, what's the message you'd like to get to a million people? Oh, I'd like to get them, you know, this message that they have a second chance and that every day they can, you know, live extraordinary lives. If they choose to if they practice the right habits and mindset. Oh, okay, cool. You know what?

I know somebody else in this room.

Who'S in personal development.

Do you know that person over there?

No, Hang on a second. Grab them. Hey, you know what I love about this person right here? They're trying to impact the world in a positive way. You've done that. Could you share any lessons on your success journey with them that might help? Ask people to share their advice with each other when you know they have similar backgrounds. Huge. Next up. I love this question. What's the hardest part? What's the hardest part? I met Bill Gates several times, as some of you guys know. And, I mean, the first time I ever met him, first time I ever met him. Inspired by a question Larry King told me, maybe four minutes in, I said, so at this stage of your career, what's the hardest part of what you're doing? And he just lit up. Oh, we're trying to solve that. You know, he was trying to. I think, if I remember the timing right, he was, like, trying to solve malaria. Worldwide, big problem. But it was like, what's the hardest part of that? He's, like, getting the right people to believe it's possible. I said, that's amazing. You've gotten people to believe what's possible in so many ways before what worked in the past. And he was just. He was so excited to share these things. And it was just from this question of what's the hardest part?

Last piece.

Is their connections. Not as in, who are you connected to? As in, like, is there anyone you've been trying to meet that you felt like, or is there any type of person or any. Any network that you're trying to get into? I might not know them, but who. Who are you trying to connect with at this stage of your career? Who would you love to be connected with in this room? Right. I love to ask that question. If I'm in a. In a room, 40 people networking, like, if I'm talking to someone. So, Pete, you know, there's a lot of people here. Who here would you love to meet? I'd love to meet Sally over there. Oh, do you know Sally? No, I don't. I'll be right back.

I'm.

Hi, Sally. How are you? I'm trying to meet some people around here. Around here. And I know you probably are, too. Like, how'd you hear about this event? Oh, that's how you heard about it?

Well, why did you come?

Oh, you came.

What do you do?

Okay. Hey, tell you what? I know someone who wants to meet you too. Can I make an introduction?

Sure.

Brings hey, salary meet Pete. And now you got what I'm talking about.