How to Create Remarkable and Lasting Relationships

One of the best drivers of growth isn't your job, isn't your goals, it's your friendship circle. And when your friendship circles make you a more alive, deeper, caring, thoughtful, authentic person in the world, I'm telling you what, guess what. At work, you're better. At home you're better, your art gets better, your sense of life lifts. How do you create remarkable and long lasting friendships? And I'm talking about the kind of friendships that you love. The friendships that bring you alive, that, that bring you that connection, that help life feel more even meaningful, that help you progress and feel supported, help you be seen, help you feel a true connection with not just others, but with humanity. Because the people around you are awesome. And when the people around you are awesome, you know, you feel better about life. But we also went through this crazy last 18 months where so many people were isolated, where we had so much turmoil, so much conflict, so much just uncertainty and fear in the world, where I really believe friendships really elevated. And you could see whether or not you had great friends throughout this pandemic or you didn't. You were able to see whether or not you got the support that you needed, whether or not you were able to maintain your sense of vibrancy in some of those times of aloneness, whether or not you had people who cheered you on when you decided to make a transition, start something new, or the kids left the house, or you got sick, or something was going on that was difficult in your life. We look to our friends and I think that this is a very undervalued conversation in mental health. So much about the mental health conversation is appropriately about self awareness, is it's about mindfulness, it's about taking care of our stressors. And a lot of it is that solo work that we all have to do for self mastery. But I can tell you that the great universities of the world, the psychology department is right near the sociology department because they go together. We are social beings. And when you lose that social connection with the world, which usually starts through lack of disciplined habits with your friends, then suddenly life loses its color. And I think this is so important. You're going to hear me talk about friendship today in a way you probably haven't heard before very much from what we would call a high performance psychology perspective. And I think you're going to love this. So if you've been struggling with friendships in your lifetime, not either having enough friends or not having the quality of friends that you've always wanted, this is a serious conversation today. I can't imagine a time, at least in my life so far, where friendships were so incredibly important. I get to share some of the things that really have worked, not just in my life and my friendships, but in studying this work deeply over the years and recognizing how many people are on entrepreneurs, high achievers, people who are trying to make great impact in the world. You're here today. And sometimes that journey can feel very lonely, or when you get to the top, it can feel lonely, they say. And I'm like, I kind of believe what my friend Brian Tracy and mentor said to me one time. He said, if it's lonely at the top, you did it wrong. I thought, woo, that's good, that's good. Because maybe sometimes we value today progress, we value today getting things done. We value that top mountain of achievement. And then we look around and go, oh, nobody really knows me. I don't feel a connection to others. Yeah, I got the thing, the house, the car, the bank account, the accolades, the Instagram page. And all of a sudden, though, something's missing. And friendship is one of the greatest vehicles to the real psychology of well being that we talk about here at Growth Day. I'm going to share with you a secret today, just a simple phrase. You're going to go, oh, my gosh, that's why my friendships aren't going right. So you're going to love this session. I say that triangle, right, of well being that we talk about Growth Day aliveness is one of the things we all want after we had everything else, right? Another thing we want is connection. We're not after casual friendships here today. We're at like, how do I create authentic, deep, trusting, vulnerable, fun, real relationships? Because how many of you have ever had friendships that turned out to be fake? You thought you had a good friendship and that thing turned out to be not so good or poisonous or, you know, somebody, like, they weren't loyal to you as a friend, or they lied to you or, you know, something went wrong, you thought, how could that happen in that relationship? And I always tell, like, friendships are a science of relationship, right? It's about how you create relationship with others. And I'm gonna give you again a phrase that will really help you with this today. And then if it's true that we want aliveness and connection in this triangle, nothing that we want is meaning. Well, meaning isn't achieved just by living your purpose each day in your own head. Meaning is achieved through a social relationship network. My sense of meaning is, do I feel connected to the world and the world Isn't an abstract thing. It's not like I feel connected to the oak tree. It's like, no, I mean, did I feel. Did you make your difference in the world that's going to be served and answered through your social impact, your relationships with others? And I have to tell you, I've been coaching people for 20 years of my life now, and a lot of people have one friend. You know, in the United States, unfortunately, the number of people with three good friends has declined over the decades. You're like, three good friends. Oh, we got to talk about that. Because some people stumble into friendships or hope for friendships, just like some people hope to have a loving relationship, just like some people hope to have a good job, just like some people hope that, you know, they get healthier. And then there's strivers who take life a little bit by the reins and say, no, no, no, let me architect that, Let me build that. And I'll give you my own examples today of where I sucked at friendships and I had to learn. How do you do them and how do you create them? And once you know how to create and craft them, life really opens up for you, and it becomes not just more alive and connected, but more meaningful. Like, a sense of meaning happens when we have a tapestry of social relationships that are real and impactful. And then, of course, in the middle of that triangle, you always see me draw out growth. Your friends should be lifting you up, not pushing you down. Your friends should be inspiring you to get better. Your friends should have your back, but also be willing to challenge your face. You know what I'm saying? Like, your friends are, are, and should be one of your primary growth drivers in life. Most people choose ambitious goals to be their growth driver. Oh, I'm going to do something that's hard, or I'm going to try to achieve this amazing thing. I'm going to try to become a millionaire or make this difference or build this company or, you know, have this type of family. And it's this external climb, this thing they're trying to achieve. And too many people forget, it's like, actually, one of the best drivers of growth isn't your job, isn't your goals, it's your friendship circle. And when your friendship circles make you a more alive, deeper, caring, thoughtful, authentic person in the world, I'm telling you what, guess what? At work, you're better. At home, you're better. Your art gets better. Your sense of life lifts. Let me share with you what I really believe to be the two central problems of Friendship. Okay, the two central problems of friendship. The first one is a failure of each of our own. I'm just taking this on myself as well. It's like we fail in life to realize most of our friendships were assigned not aligned. Most of our friendships were assigned not aligned. What I mean by that is many of our friendships happen because group assignment, right? Think about it. Some of your best friends, where'd you meet them? School, your neighborhood, some other affiliation, Maybe at work, maybe in a group that you joined. So it was like, oh, we showed up somewhere, or we were assigned somewhere and there was that girl who sat next to me in class. We became friends. Or, oh, I worked with this person at work. We were co workers. We became friends. And these are kind of like assigned friends. And I know that sounds really weird to say, so bear with me a little bit. I don't mean that the manager, like, you're going to be friends here. What I mean is because of your group, your affiliation, or where you were, you kind of met people there. And by default, by you being a good person or communicating or doing stuff with them, you kind of became friends versus. That's like an assigned friend. It's like, oh, because we were here, we became friends versus an aligned friend, which is, oh, I'm an adult now. What are the types of friends that I want to create that align with my passion, my dreams, my lifestyle, my values, my beliefs, the things that I want of life and let me go get them, not let them fall into my lap, which brings up the second designation. And this is hard to say to people. And if you're in a place where you feel lonely in your life or you feel like you don't have great friendships, I promise this will be so helpful for you today to even know how your own brain thinks. And many of us. And I was this way probably all the way throughout high school, even I never. And this is the second problem of friendships. I never made the deliberate choice to have remarkable friendships. I kind of ended up with friends. Anyone know what I'm talking about? Who's, like, ended up with friends if you kind of just ended up with like, this person? It was kind of my friend. One of my buddies goes. He goes, I don't want no rando friends. And it was like, random. Now, I love random. I love the universe, I love God, I love coincidence. Listen, I read the Celestine Prophecy. People are glowing out there for me. I believe in that coincidence stuff. But I can also share with you, like, if you just allow randomness in Your life all the time. You'll always feel a sense of mediocrity too. We have to stretch. We have to choose our life and to choose our life, we have to be deliberate and go, what kind of life do I want? I would like you to learn to architect your ideal friendships. And can you get all of them? And will all your friendships be perfect? I'm not that guy. I'm not here to promise everything's going to be sweet and perfect and peaches in life. I am here to suggest though that if you haven't deliberately chosen the types of friendships that you want, that's a problem, especially if you're an adult. Right? And that's the thing is we're just, we're not encouraged to do that. Think about how much time.

People were.

Feeding your ears with the idea you had to be really thoughtful about the career you choose. How many of you ever had more people tell you more times about be so thoughtful about the school you choose, the career you choose, but no one ever said as much because be very thoughtful about the friends and the friendships that you build. And that's why we have a lot of high achieving people who are lonely their whole life. Think about your career. What are you going to be one day? Very rarely. What's the type of social network you're going to build around you? What's the type of friendships you're going to architect? What are you going to be proud of in terms of your friends in the future? What do you want your friends to achieve? What do you want your friends to experience in life? Not just what they give you, but what are you going to give out too? What kind of friendship do you want to create and experience? How do you want your friends to actually interact with one another? Have you ever thought about that? We spend so much time. If you're a parent and you have two kids, you're so worried about how they interact, right? I know people who've never even thought, how do I want my friends to interact? I mean, they might think, you know what, we shouldn't put them in a room at a party because they have this history of that background. But very few people are like, I'm going to actually teach my friends how to be friends with one another. Now I know some of you might be like, this guy sounds like a control freak. I'm like, I am, but I'm a happy one. You know what I'm saying? I think this is such an important area to architecture. Most friends have never talked about how to be friends. They just go, you want to go to lunch? They go to lunch. They talk about the weather, the waiter, the food, what's going on. They leave. And there's no architecting. There's no. I think of, like, social systems are things that can be shaped. We all think, like at work, right? How much we talk about at work, building a culture. More books and more people have spent time on this conversation of building culture at work and never the culture of a friendship. Isn't that weird? I don't know where along the line we lost the conversation and the desire to choose to build awesome friendships and a culture of friendship, meaning not just friends. Most people think of, I want a friend, right? When you're in high school, you just want a friend, right? You're just like, at least I was. Can I get one? You know, it's like you worry about having friendships when you grow up, and usually that means you think. And we're all trained this way. Especially in Western cultures. We're taught to have a friend, and we think in a very individualistic mode. I and this person are in relationship, and then you have another friend. I and this person are in relationship, and maybe you go out and you try to get them together and we have a party. But even at the party, it's individual nodes. Me, that friend, and this friend. And I don't get trained, as I'm getting older, to think as a systems social architect. Oh, wow. Look at all these nodes, if you will, these friends. If I like each of these people and have relationships with each people, why don't in some way, I weave them together and create a tapestry of friendship where I'm actually connecting the dots and creating a culture of friendship? See, we don't think like that, do we? I was a very, kind of solitary child. I was kind of in my own little world. I don't know about you all, but I was definitely, you know, much. I would be like an introverted kind of child. I kind of kept to myself. I like to play with my toys kind of by myself. In elementary school, from what I can remember, I was kind of solo. Brendan. I didn't see social systems right. I was in a class with kids and a teacher, and I had a relationship with the teacher, and I had a relationship with this person or that person or not. But I couldn't see the class. I couldn't say, oh, you know, like, this group is kind of like this. Instead, it was just like, she likes me or she doesn't. Teachers like that. I didn't see the System. Today I'd like you to try to see the system a little bit. See the system of the friendships you've built in your life. See the system at play, at work. See the system of your culture or your nonprofit or your company. When you can start seeing a bigger picture and get out of your head a little bit now, something happens. There's connection, there's community. See, everyone says, I want community. I'm like, well, you can't be an individualistic person in the community forever. You have to elevate to seeing the system. If you'll never be a community member or an effective one or a helpful one, if you can't get out of your head, well, I'm saying that not as judgment to you. That was me. So there's no judgment here if you don't have friends. I'm like, I'm telling you my story, too. I was a solo person. I was in my own head. I couldn't see the class. I couldn't see the system. And so I felt apart. And because I felt apart and I couldn't see what was happening, and I didn't know how to engage, I was lonely. And then when I finally made a connection with a friend, that friend became my life. Later on, that perpetuated into, you know, some of you guys know my story of my first breakup with my high school sweetheart. I was destroyed because that was my one person, right? That was my one node in the world. And then when that relationship fell apart, I fell apart and became depressed and suicidal. And so how we relate with one or multiple people can completely shape our mental health. I know you already know that. And so I had to learn, like, wow, one. I don't want to ever be dependent on one friend. I want to build a support system. You ever heard that language before? No one says, go build a supporter. I want you to listen to the language of successful people. When successful people are speaking, they never tell you what. Go build a supporter. They say, go build what? A support system. A support network. Oh, I got to get out of single node thinking. A node is a one individual unit. And I got to get into the system. I got to stop thinking, does Sally at the class next, does she like me? And if she likes me, my whole life is good or bad or ruined. And I got to go. There's a class here. There's an energyist vibe, a spirit. There's rules and norms. There's a culture here that is happening. How do I want to participate in this? And how do I want this culture to happen, too, in ways that I can affect. What do they want? And we all have to start thinking about that more in a society in which we're supposedly connected, but we've actually become individual nodes in the network. Hey, my friends. It's Brendon Burchard, founder and creator of Growth Day. Welcome to an awesome session where we're going to talk about the leadership principles and practices that can help you have a greater impact in the world, in your family, with your teams, in your community. As you're somebody who wants to be a person of influence, you want to help people, you want to serve people, you want to do something significant with your life that really matters, you got to start working these practices and principles and leadership. Without leadership, we don't make our impact. So I am pumped to be here today with you and this Growth Day community because that is what we are all about. Our mission is how do we enable you to have a home for personal development? How do we make self improvement a way of life for you so that you keep getting better and better and better at what you are doing and about who you are so you can reach your full potential and so you can serve your highest purpose here? I always begin with principle number one, My biggest belief, my biggest teaching in all of leadership. And it's five simple words. People support what they create. People support what they create. This is the defining leadership principle of my life. Every time I work with a leader and they're frustrated with the coworker, they can't get the team to be motivated and energized, the downline isn't performing, the upline isn't listening. We got this problem where you can't mobilize a movement, or you started a political action committee and it didn't stick, or you started your nonprofit and no one contributed. It always comes down to a fundamental misperception about this topic of leadership. Leadership's fundamental principle is that people support what they create. If you want people to follow you, they must create with you. They must feel enabled, trusted, empowered, autonomous, capable, rewarded for participating in the journey in what we'll call the vision today. If they don't have any hand in shaping it, and if they have no reward, autonomy, or trust in participating in it, they got no skin in the game. They got no reason to be enthusiastic, excited, hard working, excellent. So what happens? Well, as you see around the world, it's like we have these command and control old models from the past, these dictatorial ways of leading where it was like, do this, do this, do this, you know, very like, you know, early 1800s stuff that should have been done by the 1950s, but people are still learning. And so you have this situation where a lot of people still think of like, oh, I have positional leadership, I'm the boss, or I'm this leader. Everyone needs to only do these things and it becomes a one way street. Or it becomes something where the leader, it doesn't have the connection with everybody else because no one has a part in it. They can't play yet, they don't believe in it yet. Even if they like you, even if they think you're an okay person, even if you had great successes in the past, if you don't get them collaborating to create where we're going, how we're going there, and how we'll be together, they're not interested. They'll pretend they'll take the paycheck, but they'll be gone in six months. Or when the tough times hit or the stock price goes down, they're bailing, man, because they're thinking, you know what? I'm not part of this. I'm not part of this. The new buzzword of the last decade was certainly culture. In organizations, even in our homes. Create a culture, create a culture of openness, of diversity, create a culture of enthusiasm, create a culture of accountability. Culture, culture, culture, culture. What does that mean? Culture is the outcome of the philosophy that people support what they create, that we're collectively shaping a culture. Well, we collectively shape the leadership journey too. And so if you don't feel like you have buy in from people, which is the number one complaint of all leaders worldwide. In my research at the High Performance Institute, the number one thing I ever found was that leaders are disappointed, discouraged or demotivated because they don't get buy in from their teams. Most of the time, they blame the teams, they blame the organizational structure, they blame the old leaders, they blame their spouse, their partner, they blame anybody. They can. Why won't the school board listen to me? Why won't this person, they won't do this. I have this idea. No one comes along. It's because you have this idea. And you didn't invite anyone to come along. You just told people what to do, you told people how to think, you told people how it's supposed to go. And I'm telling you, we live in a participative global culture now where people want a voice. And so much of leadership is understanding where to open conversations to allow diverse voices to come in, have a perspective on something even if you or the leaders maintain that decision making authority, the active participation and enrollment of conversation is the difference maker. And your job as a leader, listen to this, is to hold that space, to set the standard, the expectation, the structure for that space for other people to participate. Now I know some of the leaders out there like, yeah, but that's super hard, the timing of that and when. And some people have a voice, but they don't know what the hell they're talking about. They're not an expert, Brandon, why would I listen to them? And oh my gosh, does this mean more meetings for me? Don't worry, this isn't about you doing more meetings. Just to listen casually, the principle I want you to write down, people support what they create. The five most important words in all of leadership. People support what they create. If you get that principle, we can change the world. When you don't get that principle, you don't get the followers. Now with that, I want to introduce a concept that I've literally been teaching for 21 years now. I don't like the word followers. I don't like the word leaders versus or the positioning leaders versus followers. If you studied with me before, I really believe you have leaders and instead of followers you have collaborators. It's just a different way of defining things. Unfortunately, in our world, because of popularity and ego, when someone follows you on the Internet, it all became about a one way street. And so now we've ingrained in people's human behavior this idea that I broadcast my world and you should follow it, that's coming to organizations. I tell you what to do and you should follow it versus hey, we're co creating this organization together. We're co creating this team, we're co creating this marriage, we're co creating this family. Soon as you get that, you're co creating your family together, you're a different styled parent. Most troubles in parenting relationships and familial relationships come from an old model that it's the parent versus the kids and you do what I say or you're not loved, you're dead to me. That really didn't work so good. We've learned that to have healthy and adaptive children, they need to feel part of the family process. They need to feel connected, cared for and collaborative literally in how their day goes, how their life goes. They need to have a voice in it or, or later in their life, they're more passive towards chasing what's important to them. They never develop that autonomy early enough. So now, unfortunately they do. They follow Whatever's happened at school, they follow whatever's happening with that peer set, and they follow it often right into places you didn't want them to go. And so by controlling them too much, it removes their autonomy. By removing their autonomy now, they'll follow often the wrong people at the wrong time, stay in the wrong relationships because they didn't develop personal autonomy. Why? Because someone in their life, too late, failed to realize that this person had to be participating in shaping their life, their days, their weeks, their dreams, their destiny, earlier. I think that's so important in this world today, where you get a lot of blind followership to ideology or darker, kind of like the darker side of humanity, where people don't question or they don't think because they haven't been participating in shaping their life. And we have to be aware of that as leaders. It's like, oh, you're going to have some people on your team who are super participative. And other people, they were never given autonomy or trust or a voice. And they're super smart, but you're not getting enough from them. They just need to be enrolled to participate in a different way than the person who's always had the benefit of being in communities where they were heard. We live in a world right now where so many people have never actually been heard. Then we expect them to perform as high performers in their organizational settings. It's like, oh, you have to be aware of these things. Some members of your team and some members of your family haven't been heard, haven't felt heard, haven't been allowed space for it. And I don't just mean listened to. I mean being allowed space to make decisions together about what's important. And that's just so critical. People support what they create. So you gotta be thinking, I would love for you to evaluate yourself as a leader. Go. Okay, on a scale. This is the workshop part. This is personal development. Right? We're going to do the work. If you wrote down, people support what they create. I'm curious, on a scale of 1 to 10. One.

Yeah.

You don't get that. One's a bad number. Okay, one's the worst. I won't give you a zero. We'll give you a one. And then there's ten. I'm going to ask you two questions to score yourself here, one to ten. First score. How conscious have you been about this principle? Like when I say people who support their crate, you're like, oh, yeah, I get that. I've been doing that. I'm aware of that, that's important to me. One has not been on my radar. Ten, that's been on my radar. Did you know the higher you score on that, the higher life satisfaction you have, the higher connection you have with your employees, the longer your employees tend to stay employees? I know that's not, you're not all organizational leaders, but it basically means that the better you've been conscious about this and practicing it, the happier your culture, your team and others are. They want to be on that journey. So put that front of dashboard, I call it front of radar. That's on your radar. That's on your dashboard. Have I been leading in this style or at least aware of this? People support what they create. Okay, got it. The second way I'd love you to score that is to take a look at the most critical members of your team. Maybe this is your executive team or the most important people in your life, your family. And look at each of them individually through this lens. It's like, oh, has this person been co creating the experience with me? Have they been active in that or passive in that? And not as a judgment to them like a one, they're bad. It's that, oh, if they are a one, I as a leader need to create a process, a rhythm, a meeting, an opportunity for this person to get some decision making authority, to establish some trust, if anything to be heard more in meetings. Maybe this person is never called on, they never get the opportunity. And you're going to be like, oh, I'm going to be aware this person has not been participating and I need that participation from them if we're going to have long term success and we need to participate together. So let me have that. So I'm always thinking about that. And when I work with leaders and I coach them in high performance, it's always about, okay, let's work through your team, let's walk through this principle and let's talk about each of these critical team members and do they feel empowered to be part of the process because people support what they create is ultimately people being part of the process because guess what? When they're part of the process, they've helped come up with decisions. They're working towards something they had a hand in, they fight for it, they stay focused on, they have ego and decision making in that process and they want to protect it. When someone has an idea, you know what they want to do, they want to own that, they want to protect that, they want to perpetuate that, they want to ensure that that idea lives and they'll do that sometimes sanely and unsanely. You can look at across humanity, the worst of the human conditions and human actions in the world came from people who had an idea and they believed it and they shaped it and they fought for it till death when it was destructive towards others. And the most beautiful parts, the better angels of our nature came from those times in which we had an idea. We were participating in that idea, continuing, shaping it, evolving it, making it even better. And as we made that even better, oh, okay, we made it better together. We'll fight for it, we'll participate in it, but we'll do it for positive ends. It's a difference maker, isn't it? If you look around the world even today, like at higher political levels as an example, like I happen to be doing this today on July 1st. So we're not too far away from an upcoming Independence Day in the United States. And that idea of democracy, of a participative democracy, that's a different way of thinking. And it changed the shape of history. And you saw people still, we're still refining what our republic is and how it works together. We're still trying to figure out our systems and our rules. We're still working on an active democracy. And that's an incredible thing and incredible blessing. And it's one reason why, why the country, at least globally, as I'm filming this, leads the world, right? People support what they create. Now, I don't want to get political with you where people are like, oh, I don't agree with this or I love Americans or whatever. I'm just here to say there is definable, demonstratable and great examples across organizations, across political systems, across socioeconomic systems that when people are allowed to participate, better ideas come up, people have more buy in, people stay committed. Over the long term, humans become more resilient themselves. It's important. It's so important. So please take an active role in this day. Score yourself, be honest and think about this and how you can amplify this. If all you did is understand this principle and you practice this principle at the deepest levels, you would so far surpass almost everybody you're working with. I promise. We're going to talk about your confidence and I am really excited to break down a framework for you and I hope in doing this help you realize where some of those dark days come from, where you lose faith in yourself.

Where those dark days come from, when.

You know you have a lot to do, but you just don't feel like you can figure it out where that when you get to go out in the world again, or when you're on a zoom and you got to show yourself to the world, you feel awkward or weird or insecure, that you tap back into that authentic strength, that truth of who you are. And that as you go through your life, you feel confident that no matter what life is going to throw at you, you're going to learn, you're going to figure it out, you're going to develop your capabilities. And many of you are going through really hard times right now. Sometimes it's just hard to even be positive. You can be so consumed and so overwhelmed by the negativity of other things out there. You just go, oh, my gosh, this is just hard to feel good, let alone confident. I'm going to break down a framework that I hope some of you are familiar with, but today we're going to talk about it with a different lens of how to overcome insecurities and what specific daily and monthly habits you might set up for yourself to feel more strong. So this is a piece of paper. It's a framework for confidence that I have on a board in my office. See, we need reminders. We are visual humans. We need to look at something to remind ourselves of something. And so you see, I have this. I'll share this with you in a minute, but I want to get the practice in your mind. The practice in your mind is you should have instructions to yourself on a wall somewhere. So you're like, if you walked into my office and say, brandon, why do you have a framework for confidence on your wall over there? And I go, well, because sometimes I don't feel confident. And what do we do when we don't feel something? Well, when we don't feel something that we want to feel, we tend to feel not good because we're like, I don't feel this, so I feel bad about myself. Or we tend to distract ourselves. I don't like this feeling. So I don't know what to do. So let me just scroll through the Internet. So to me, what I've done is I've got a board over here and there's my framework for happiness. Do you have a framework for happiness on your wall yet? So that when you don't feel happy, you go, I don't feel happy. What's going on with me? And you can just go look at it and go, ah, I've got my checklist for happiness right there. I forgot point number three. No wonder I'm not happy. What I'm trying to suggest to you is maybe you give yourself a checklist, a framework, a set of instructions for the feelings you really want to experience in life. And when you're not feeling it, instead of retreating into the comforts of distraction, you go back to your instructions. You know what makes you feel good, and it's time to write that down and look at it more consistently. Here we go. This is my confidence checklist. This is my framework for confidence. What I'd love to do is break down where these grow into trouble, where these are developed and strengthened, where these can be applied in your life, financially, in your life, in your marriage, or your relationship with your partner, with the kids. So I am going to break down each of those things, each of those areas. I will use a card here for you. We are going to start with that very first card here. Clarity. Human beings are a goal directed species. If we don't have clarity on what we want, if we don't have clarity on who we are, if we don't have clarity on what our intentions are in social relationships, it's unnerving to us. Well, if you ever felt lost in life, you know that feeling. It's coming from a lack a often of clarity. We'll talk about this. You just don't know who you are, what you're about what you want anymore. And it's unsettling when you lack clarity. It's really unsettling. You're like, ah, I don't know what I'm about anymore. And this is where midlife crises come in. Clarity is something that, it's like knowledge or a goal or an aim, but it's loosely held. What I mean by that is like, okay, that's important to me, but I can be flexible and adaptive as well. It's not this idea that you have total 100% complete certainty and you're total certain all the time.

Bah.

It's like that is a adolescent dream. There is no absolute certainty in anything in life. Right. And so we have to go, oh, okay, I can have clear direction or I can be strongly committed to this thing, but lots of people who are absolutely certain about something shifts months later. So here's my question for you. On a scale of 1 to 10 in the last 60 days, how clear have you been about what you wanted in life? Did you start the day with some clarity about how you wanted to live that day, show up that day, treat other people that day, serve that day? So let's think about where sometimes you feel insecure, you're going to go to that party or that networking function, you feel insecure about yourself. Why? Because in your mind the insecurity in that moment, in that situation of the networking situation or the party is coming from. I don't know who I am in here. I don't know these people and who I'm supposed to be with them. I don't know where to go or where to stand or who to talk to. And so just it's unnerving. The insecurity is I don't know what to do in the situation. Now that type of confidence, lack thereof is something that psychologists call self efficacy. Self efficacy is about I don't know what to do in this situation. That's where the insecurity comes from. Positive self efficacy means I believe that I know what to do in this situation. I can handle this. Even if I don't know how yet. I believe I can handle this. I have the competence to take this on as an example. That's positive. But a lot of things in life you don't know how to deal with. You don't have self efficacy because you don't know how to handle it yet. This is a new party, you don't know anybody in it. It's a new networking event. You've never met any of these people. How do you get more confidence in that? Well, one simple thing you can do is start with clarity. Okay, I'm going to go talk to people. What's something I'd love to share about myself with every new person I meet? Oh, okay. Lock that in. Okay, got it. What's one question I could ask every new person I meet? Okay, let me lock that in. Okay, just those two things have been found to dramatically increase people's sense of confidence in social situations. I know what I'm going to share about myself. I have clarity on it. I know what I'm going to ask them. I've clarity, just those two simple things. The problem with clarity is it's double edged sword. A lot of people, their clarity is I'm awful, I'm worthless, I'm no good. And they've stacked up all these experiences to strengthen that belief. And their clarity is, well, I'm a jerk, I don't deserve success, I won't have success. They've got clarity, but they got the wrong kind of clarity. See, confidence requires positive clarity, not negative self defeating clarity. So clarity is a double edged sword. If you believe the wrong thing about yourself, that's going to hurt you too. So what's the opposite of that? Well, I'm going to start viewing myself positively. How can we do that? Well, you know what? Maybe each day for the next 10 days, I'm going to write down a strength that I have. Write down 10 positive things about yourself every day for the next 10 days. Watch. What happens for you is start shifting your perception of yourself. Here, my little framework, we are going to go from clarity now to congruence. Congruence is living in alignment with what you know is the best of you, Living in alignment with the best of who you are, living in alignment with your values. When you are not congruent, your brain logs that and what it says in that log, that log entry. Not living your word, not living your truth, not doing what you said you would do. And too many of those negative withdrawals sucks away your confidence. But here's what you need to be congruent. What do you need? Clarity. You say, okay, these are my values. These. These are my beliefs. This is what I think is important as a human being, as a parent, as a caregiver, as a leader. Congruence measures whether or not you're doing what you said you're going to do. And that's important. So here's the simplest fix. If you're been pulling too many withdrawals out of that bank account, it's time to put some back in. And so today might be the day.

You go, where have I been incongruent?

Where do I say something and I don't do it? Where are you out of congruence? And can you do the simple acts? Sometimes when you're out of congruence, first you just apologize to yourself. You say, you know what? Gosh, Brendan, I haven't been honest with myself. Let's make a change. I think the fastest path back into congruence is an apology. An apology to yourself, an apology to other persons. It takes a lot of guts to say you are wrong. It takes a lot of guts to acknowledge you could do better. This one's fundamental. You get to decide today what to be congruent with. You get to decide who you are. And you get to decide to show up and live into that third big idea. Competence. Competence. It's a collection of knowledge, skill, talents and abilities. The good news is you can increase this. So here's what I want you to do every day. Every day, I want you to have clarity on what skills you are working on in your life. That's how we're going to get competence. Competence for too many people comes two years too late. Why because they wait too long to start developing a skill. Every day. I'm very clear about what I'm trying to improve. Every day I'm learning something, but I'm learning not just casually or passively. I'm going, I'm trying to get better at this thing. I want you all to have an ambition, to have one or two or three skill sets that you're literally world class in, that you're world class in. Not because you need the ego that I am world class. No, no, no. Because you need the challenge. You know why a lot of people lack confidence? They never engage challenge. You want more confidence, Engage in challenge more often.

The more challenge you engage in and.

You incrementally improve in it, the more your brain goes, yep, there I did. I did it again. And what happens when you don't have confidence, you don't engage in challenge.

When you don't engage in challenge, you.

Don'T get more competence. So you don't get that competence confidence loop. We were talking about the flywheel you all follow. So for those of you, if you're like, ben, I just lack confidence, like, challenge yourself more. But you're like, but I'm lacking confidence. I'm like, exactly, exactly. See, you're going, well, I'll get confidence, then I'll do the challenging things. I'm like, the other way around. You want more confidence, do challenging things more often. When you do challenging things more often, you learn. When you learn competence, confidence, connection. When you don't have a connection with yourself or others, confidence goes down. So you want to feel more confident in life, reconnect with yourself and others with yourself. That's your morning routine. Lock in that morning routine. The more you feel connected to self, the more confident you are. But you need the time to connect to yourself. Away from the email, the social media, the obligations for the kids, the family, the husbands, the spouses, the team, everything else. You need that moment where you're like out and connecting with yourself, with your thoughts. You need time to think and to feel again. So turn off the tv, go for the walk, put down the phone, do the meditation, get away from the social thing one, you know 10 minutes earlier so you can sit in the car and just think before you go home. You need more space to be thinking and connecting with self. So build that in your life. Self, connection. Second part, the most important part. We know environment dramatically shapes your confidence, the connection you have with people around you. This means be around positive people, contribute around positive people, learn from positive people. It means create Great relationships in your life. I want you all to improve this one. Simple action. Simple daily, weekly, Real life action. You must start sharing your real thoughts, feelings, desires and goals with the people around you. You got to do it more often. Here's where you lack confidence in life. When you won't share your truth because you're worried what everyone else thinks. That's what high schoolers do. You don't do that anymore. You're too damn old. Now you share your truth with other people and realize most of them won't get it, won't understand why it's important, won't support you, won't care, or at least won't get in your way and say anything at all. But the less you speak your truth to other people, the more superficial your connections are with them. Number five is capability. Competence is the knowing, the knowledge, skill, talent, ability. Capability is you can do it. You can do it every time. It is like a strength, if you will. It is something that is. You are highly capable at that thing. You are at another level of skill that it shows up every single time. But here is the truth. Capability. Capability is as much as a mindset as a competence. Let me give you an example. A lot of extremely smart people who can handle the problem don't handle the problem because they don't feel capable. It's like, yeah, I know it, but I don't do it. See, there's a difference between knowledge and execution, which is often the difference between competence and capability. See, competence is like the foundation and a stored value, but it's expressed through execution. Capability. You want to develop capability. It means you get in the mix, you do the work, you show up, you try. Capability means I know I will execute. That's what to me, confident, capabilities. I will execute. How do you do that? You have to be more consistent in your execution. You need to be way more consistent in your execution. We talked about decision earlier. Decision is great. Action is required. We've got to get you to execute more of those to do lists. You want more success, you want more joy, you want more confidence, you got to execute more of the plans. Capability is self trust to take the action. It's not just do I know how to take the action, it's I'm an action taker, I'm going to show up, I'm capable to handle this. I will do this. I trust in myself to handle this, to execute, to execute again and again and again and again and again. That's capability. And I really want you to develop that in your heart and in your soul by checking off the simplest of things each day. By if you have a list of three to do lists, if you wrote down your three top priorities for the day, do those first. Before you do your social media, before you reply to everyone's DMs inbox, voice message, texts, it's like, listen, I have so many people, they spend all day just checking their email to reply to everybody else. Now that's fine if that's your job, that's customer service, do that. That's your job. But if you're an entrepreneur as an example, or you have a whole list of other priorities and you're just checking into other people's agendas all day to meet all their obligations, and you keep missing your key priorities day after day after day after day. Your brain doesn't feel like you're capable anymore. Even though you might be smart, you're competent, but your brain doesn't believe you're capable. Last big idea today. Contribution. You want confidence? Give more. You want confidence? Make your difference. You want confidence? Do things that matter.

Why?

Because a those things are celebrated in the world. Generous giving people tend to have greater, what connections with other people. Generous, giving, caring, hard working people tend to have what more clarity about who they are. They're more congruent these things. They feel more capable, like generosity. Doing things that matter. Giving strengthens the whole rest of the model. The whole model drives itself. When you've got each of these pieces running right, each of these pieces touches one another. Contributions are key. It really is. Sometimes when you feel so bad about yourself, you are not going to shake yourself out of that. But what can shake yourself out of that is service. Sometimes you have got to get out of your own head. And to me, what has created a great confidence and reverence for life in my life has been. I have been volunteering most of my life. When you are a volunteer, when you show up for others, when you volunteer to help out, whether it's as simple as helping a friend move or going down to the local soup kitchen, or volunteering for that nonprofit cause that you like, or running that fundraiser even though you don't know how those contributions make a difference, maybe your contribution is your art, maybe your contribution is your time. Maybe your contribution is financial, maybe your contribution is mentorship. Maybe your contribution is your content or your book or your work, whatever that is. If you can do the same thing where you can give generously to it, give to your work, be generous to that contribution, be in the moment when you're serving someone who is in need, you get a little more spirit inside. And when that spirit of goodness is inside, you can share it more too.

Here we go, my friends. Hey, it's Brendan Burchard. We're going to dive deep into how do you gain some more emotional mastery in your life so you can handle those difficult times when you get frustrated, when you get down, we get like beat up and like chewed out and spit out by the world. What are you going to do to be your best self? That is the topic of today's conversation. That emotional masteries part. That emotional intelligence we hear so much about, that ability to handle the difficulties and challenges of life with grace or a plume or being centered in the middle of all this chaos and turmoil. How do you be your best?

That's the topic of today.

We're talking about motivation at a deeper level. Maybe you haven't had with me before. The utmost, most important area of emotional mastery is, is mastering motivation. Now, when I say emotional mastery, you're like, wait, isn't motivation is a topic, an area? No, motivation. Motivation is an emotion, right? A motivation is a motion emotion that you feel that you feel a drive, a sense of hunger, a sense of want, and sense of desire to make something happen. I believe motivation is one of the most important things we have to master in our total emotional sort of toolkit, right? Because if you can emotionally feel motivated every day, almost everything else can fall in line, right? If you're emotionally motivated to be a better mom, be a better caregiver, be a better parent, be a better lover, be a better entrepreneur, be a better business person, be a better contributor to the greater world. When there's a motivation pulling you forward out of bed each day into the office, into real life to be your best, then everything changes when you lose motivation. You and I both know the loss of motivation is the first gate to suffering. You lose motivation now, you don't feel like doing anything. You don't feel like doing anything. You don't work out. You don't feel like working out. You don't feel like doing anything. You don't feel like doing anything. You don't want to do your goals. Don't feel like doing your goals. Feel unfulfilled.

Feel unfulfilled.

Feel unsatisfied. Feel unsatisfied.

Feel like life is meaningless.

It is a slippery slope when you lose motivation. But the issue is no one has motivation 247 all the time. Motivation is an emotion you learn to cultivate by using your mind, your body, your Greater consciousness to ensure that you feel that pull of purpose, that you feel that energy inside that says, I want to create, I want to contribute, I want to be my best self, I want to connect with people. And so motivation is something we're going to have to generate on a consistent basis. I know many of you are at HPA and you hear me say all the time, you have to learn to bring the joy. Because the power plant doesn't have energy, it generates energy. Motivation is something. Me, the motivation guy, I have the best selling book of the entire century with motivation. The title, it's called the Motivation Manifesto. If you haven't read it. And the motivation manifesto is like, if anything is imbued in that book, it is like this ferocity and this fierceness and this attention to living our best lives. But it has to be like generated. Because even though I'm the motivation guy, there's plenty of days I wake up and I'm like, I don't feel like it. There's plenty of days, there's plenty of moments where just like you, I'm just like, I'd rather be lazy and do nothing right now. And that's okay.

That's part of homeostasis.

That's part of our human body to want to power down, to relax, to chill out. But too much of that can lead to an unfulfilling life. So we must learn to generate the emotions of drive, desire, go get in this, whatever you want to call motivation. And so it's something that we have to learn to stoke. Motivation is an emotion we feel by either luck or by purposeful conscious design. I just choose to design it into my day every single day. Motivation is driven by certain things. You have a spark, you have something that sustains it and you something grows it. Okay? The spark of motivation, which is how I anchor into being motivated each day, is ambition. All motivation begins with the desire or hunger and ambition for more. Whether that's more depth or more connection, or more contribution or more abundance or more wealth or more or more love. Like we just want more of something and that says, I want to go get that. Like, we see a fancier car, it's.

Better than our car.

I want to go get that. We see like a deeper love of relationship between two people. I say, I want that in my own life. Sometimes it's a visual cue. Something we see makes us want something, right? Not too far from here, there's a beach that I strolled on vacation I don't know, a couple years ago. And I said, I'm going to live here. And it was a motivation.

It was a cue.

I saw something desired, it wanted, it went after it, like, so sometimes it's a visual. It's a cue out in the world that says, I want more of that thing. And ambition can be visually cued for some people. If you just wake up. I mean, think about it. You wake up, you grab your phone, you're like, you know, and all of a sudden you. You don't have any motivation.

Instead, you look through all this stuff.

And all it did is make you feel like you're not enough, or it distracted you, or it upset you, or created, you know, anger, anxiousness. You gotta be careful how you're using cues to start your day. I use cues to start my day motivated. And those cues to start my day motivated are things like, I literally wake up and I'll wake up and I'll think of things that I'm grateful for and that I want to give in life. I'll wake up and I'll think about someone I want to do something nice for or surprise. Today I'll think of something I can be excited about today. I'll as soon as possible in the morning, revisit my ambitions, list my goals list. I'll look at them. I'll not wander through the day looking at social media and then, oh, I guess it's time to work and look at my goals. It's like my goals. I mean, in the first few minutes of the day, I'm revisiting them. And what I'm doing is when I'm looking at my goals or my agenda or my schedule, I'm looking at it, I'm thinking, okay, why do I want this? What would life be like? Like this. How could I go get it? What should I do today to make that happen? And that motivates me. That's my list of goals, my list of ambitions, the things that can excite me. In other words, it's very intrinsic goals, it's intrinsic rewards that I'm after. I'm like, if I go do that, I will feel better. If I could have this, I'd be happier, right? It's not that I can't be happy with now, but I want to pull. Like, if I can have that future pull, that's going to motivate me to go do stuff, right? I have to literally generate that in my mind. And so when I have that connection in the morning, then my takeaway for you is connect with your ambitions. Every morning, very first thing in the morning, Somehow part of your morning routine, connect with your ambitions, look at them, why do you want them? What would you get from that? How would you feel from that? What would that generate? Why would that be more meaningful? Really connect with that ambition every single morning and you'll start to notice, you feel better. You also know this reality that motivation wanes with attention. Meaning if we don't give our ambitions, our goals, a lot of attention, the motivation just goes away. Because motivation is either fueled by our attention or by momentum, right? It either takes reflection or action to generate serious sustained motivation. Either reflection or action. Because ultimately from the reflection that gives us clarity, and clarity can give us confidence, or action can give us momentum. And when we have momentum, motivation is way easier to cultivate, generate and sustain, obviously. So these are really important concepts. Every morning, get very close to your goals ambitiously. What are those things that you want, desire, need and would enjoy and what do you need to go to get? That's the intrinsic type of things. The things we'll feel good about, the drive, satisfaction, fulfillment, meaning excitement in us. But I also have my extrinsic meaning, my external cues or goals or rewards that also I revisit. So for me, example, when I always tell you, wake up each day and at some point say, who needs me on my A game for me, every morning I re anchor down into my relationships. I think about, okay, if I don't show up today and do a good job, then my wife and I have a lower quality of life, then I can't support my mom, then I can't support my team, then all these people who count on me every day for motivation, or count on me for leadership, or count on me for support, they don't get that from me. And I tap into that reality that if I don't show up for somebody today, then you know what, by the end of the night I'll feel worse about myself. But also it will impact other people. Because you cannot have real high powered mental motivation without a connection to other people. We are social animals, so we have to think about, okay, what should I do? How can I contribute in a way that serves other people? So where that internal one is about self and satisfaction and fulfillment and meaning personally, that's tapping into our own passions, desires, wants and hungers. That external one is ultimately about service, about giving or taking care of or being the caretaker of other people. And you cannot just keep starting your day. I guess I'll get some coffee and.

Read the news and see what's on.

Social media or hop into the car and listen to trash talk radio or turn on the TV and hope to find motivation later in the day.

Like, you want to kick off the.

Day, kick off the day with motivation. Like get already in the morning immediately in a good state of mind. When I'm in a great state of mind, it's like, bam, the day goes. And you know what? If you start the morning in the right frame of mind, motivated, driven, because you're connected to what drives you and what will serve other people. Then when you start like running out of gas at noon, 1, 2 or 3, it's easier to fuel that flame than to start a new fire, right? Because some people just keep waiting, they don't even think about, I guess I should be motivated until they've lost it. I want you to start the morning with it and sustain it throughout the day by revisiting. Remember, the secret to all of motivation is revisiting those whys. It's revisiting that ambition that you have for your life, for more, for others, for contribution. That's everything, right? That's everything. And if you get away from that too many days, too many weeks, too many months, I'm just here to tell you you're really going to struggle. So I hope that helps. Every morning, everybody, every single morning, I really want you to connect with that. Okay, what am I motivated? What am I driven by? And that's going to really, I can't explain how much that's going to help you. You will feel it and you will know it if you will do it every morning. Okay? Motivation starts in the morning, but it's also sustained by that morning frame of mind. So that's really key. That's the first idea behind motivation. Connect with your ambitions first thing, every single day. Give attention to that every single day.

Here's something I don't often talk about.

But it's important for me because it's very easy for me to be really effective in the mornings and then that afternoon, two, three o', clock, and I could just be like, man, I want to go outside, take a walk, come back, turn on some Netflix, eat some carbs. You know, that can be my afternoon if I'm not careful. So here's what I do. I have a checkpoint in the mid afternoon to recognize, reward, appreciate anything that.

I have done today.

Anything that I have done today. And that midpoint checkpoint for me on my phone, I just have an alarm. Mine tends to go off around 2:30 or 3:00 clock in the afternoon. It just flashes to me and it Says, what's been great today? What's been great today? And so that will cue me, all right, it's time to visit what's been great today. So I'll just think about something I've done. It could be like I answered 10 emails today that I have been avoiding. Good job. It could be as simple as I made that one call, I said I was going to call, did it, I shot that content, created that thing, whatever some type like listen, motivation is often driven by recognition. So recognize what you have done so far in the day, early afternoon. Then what I do is in order to keep myself motivated even more, because I've set in my mind I want to be a person who's excellence driven. What I will do is I say, okay, here's what's great so far. And then I ask just a simple question. How do I complete this day with excellence? Just a simple touch point in the afternoon. How do I complete this day with excellence?

So I will look at the rest of the day, whether that's two hours.

More, four hours more, five hours more, six, six hours more, whatever it's going to be for me. And I go, okay, how do I think through the rest of this day with real excellence? And when I can connect with that, I'm telling you, it's just so part of me and it really makes me want to serve. So please think about having a mid afternoon connection point to keep yourself motivated. You'll feel a whole different quality of life come in, I promise. It's a different experience for people because most people, they're just running and gunning through the day. They don't realize or understand or accept how challenging it is to lose motivation. And so they've gone. Many people, they've gone weeks without being motivated. They're going through the motions, but there's no energy, there's no emotional pull towards something better. And because they're lacking that emotional pull, what ends up happening, they dog it. They don't contribute as much, they react and sort of create. And all of a sudden a couple.

Weeks later they're like, I don't know.

Why I'm so unfulfilled. Well, no doubt you're so unfulfilled because you haven't been tapping into that emotion of motivation. When we lack motivation, it is a slippery slope to suffering. So please recognize that you must cultivate more motivation. What else can you do? Well, I'll tell you, it's like ambition, attention to those ambitions, effort towards those things. I think all of that is really, really really clear. But I also really believe that a lot of motivation is simply lost because of fatigue. So let's say you're doing all those things, but you're wiped out. You're tired. Like, a lot of motivation really rests on how you feel physically. If you feel lethargic, you feel tired, you have the flu, and it's like, it's harder to be more motivated. You can still do it by doing what I've talked about. Re cue yourself, reconnect with those things. But health wise, it's really critical for you to say, okay, if I want to be motivated long term, I need to feel greater levels of mobility and energy in my body. So if you ever hung out around me, I'm constantly bouncing and moving and breathing. And if you've been with me at hpa, you see some of these practices, this breath work that I do, that I'm activating and opening up my body so that my body says, let's go versus right? So my body's not like, oh, I ate this terrible thing. Instead, my body says, I feel refueled, I feel ready to go. Let's go. So I manage my sleep, my diet, my health in ways that support my mental clarity and energy. And I know that, like, sounds. Sometimes people think motivation is just a mental game. I'm like, yes, but your mind and your body are connected. If your body is lethargic, so is your mind. Right? That brain body connection is real, y'. All. And I know you know that you've been sick, you've been tired, there's times when you've been out of shape, you feel terrible. So I'm here to encourage you as I always do, if every single month in high performance, I have to cheer you on to get in better health, to prioritize your health, to sleep good, to eat well, to move.

If I have to do that every.

Single month, I will do that. I will be your champion. I will cheer you on. I want you in excellent health this year. So please hear me cheer that on every single month. Because I just know I get you in better health. I get you in better mental health. We get you in better mental health. It's easier to sustain that fire and that drive, that purpose, that motivation, that thing will bring you satisfaction, joy, and meaning. I know you guys get this, but I want to fire you up today. Like, this is something you must fire up on your own. This will be fleeting. Of course it's fleeting if you never look at it.

I tell you all the time, no.

Wonder you're not motivated. You haven't thought about what motivates you in three days.

Just think about that.

No wonder you're not motivated. You haven't thought about what motivates you in three days. Every morning, I'm a deep dive in what's going to motivate me. I get excited about it. I look at it. I'm like, okay, let's go. If I didn't do that, I need coffee.