How to Defuse Arguments with Empathy

Hello my friends. I'm Brendon Burchard, host of the Brendon show and founder of growthday.com and I'm honored to be your high performance coach today. I believe that every day we can be inspired. We can live with intention and purpose. We can bring the joy and honor the struggles of each day to push ourselves to grow, to serve, to be a role model, to lead extraordinary lives. I believe that every day is a great day to grow. That's why I started my company, growthday.com it's an online personal growth platform where you can get me and the world's best personal development teachers live coaching you every week. Sharing our wisdom, keeping you motivated and accountable, encouraging you to find the aliveness and the connection and meaning of life.

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Please remember, anytime you have a frustration or conflict or an argument with another person, please remember you are dealing with a trauma survivor. Please remember you are living with a trauma survivor. Please remember you are working with trauma survivors. You yourself have survived traumas and struggles, unfortunate incidents, brutalities, difficulties, awful situations in your life. You survived them. You're still here. You're still working through, you're still showing up. You're still working on yourself. If you can put the humanity in the other person and realize they have also struggled and more importantly survived traumas. This will allow you to now be more compassionate, empathetic, patient and understanding. Because raise your hand if you think sometimes you're in a conflict with your spouse, your partner or someone at work and they might be acting out from old triggers and traumas. Raise your hand right you think you're fighting about the vacuum cleaner. They're fighting about something that happened in the fifth grade to them, the person you're dealing with in that moment. We always teach, like freshmen in college about conflict. You're not actually there in the moment with that person. One of you is probably in high school or in elementary school. You're in a situation or a moment in your past that's being triggered to bring up all these emotions and you're acting out from the emotion. That's usually unconscious for most people. Isn't it true the more therapy work, the more coaching, the more perspective, the more self improvement, the more healing you do, the more you're aware of those things coming up. And they will come up, as we'll talk about in my next point. But if it's true that something's come up for you and it's uncontrollable or it's upsetting, it's happening for the other person too. I had a great interaction with the person at work one time that I learned a lot. I was very much. I know this is really hard for understand, but I was productivity, Brendan. You know, I was like, man, I was getting stuff done. It's hard to keep up with me. I am like, I'm very. I'm like, I schedule it, I show up, I deliver it, I schedule it, I show up, I deliver it and I do it. The positive mindset, and I'm going to make it happen. Like, that was really, really strong in who I was in my 20s, right? And I remember having this conversation and, well, there's no better way to say it. I was kind of a condescending jerk to somebody at work. I just was not nice to this person at work. Early 20s, probably just starting my career in consulting. And a partner at the company saw the interaction and she pulled me aside and she asked a question that changed my life. She said, brendan, if you knew that person was dying, how would you have handled that situation? And I was like, whoa. I mean, it was like I immediately, I literally went to tears. Like, immediately. The second she saw it, she said that. Immediately went into tears. It was like, whoa. Now let me ask you that. Think about the last argument or conflict you had. What if that person was sick? What if that person was hurt? What if that person was dying? Trust me, I know. I know how the pessimists and the people who don't like personal development would receive this conversation right now. Oh, Brendan, here he goes. You know, I get it. Trust me, you're not the first persons I've trained on this topic.

Oh, yeah, sure, Brendan. Now I'm supposed to, every time I think about having an argument, think about they're going to die.

Sure, it's practical, maybe it's not practical, but maybe it's spiritual. And I say that because there's not a single person you're talking to who isn't dying. Not a one. You won't meet a person your entire life who isn't dying. That's what we call in our work, mortality motivation. When we can see humans as mortal, when we can realize it's a short stint for all of us on this planet, everything can shift a little bit. Now. I know again, people judge me for this, but remember, this was at work, this was a partner who earned millions of dollars at this consulting firm Talking to a 20 year old kid who just mouthed off to a coworker. And that was her. This is one of the greatest leaders I ever met. That was her. Ask to me when that person was dying and what it did is it dropped me right in my humanity to realize we treat people differently when we humanize them or objectify them. To me, I was objectifying the person. They're in my way of doing this thing. I'm delivering this feedback. This says they are mortal. They struggle. They need healing too. I share this because I really want you to write that down. Especially if you have a partner or spouse, an intimate other in your life, really.

Right.

Like I'm living with a trauma survivor. They've had trauma. And when you recognize that, you just talk. Isn't it true? Imagine going in a healing center into a meditative center, into a therapy session, into, you know, an influence relationship situation where you, you know, the person's been through stuff in their life. Don't you talk to them differently?

Wow.

It's a game changer. Soon as you know that, it's like, wow.

Hey, it's Brandon jumping back in here again. Are you looking to go to the next level in your life right now? The next level of joy, abundance, success.

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Every person you know has been triggered and traumatized in some way, some more dramatically than others, but everyone in some way, especially if they're past, you know, their teens, they've been through it already. They're already something has happened. And so when you go, okay, let me connect that humanity, let me approach it from that way, and it will just shift it. And now that conversation can come into a lot of different ways. Let me give you an example. You're going to go into that conversation, have that conversation with that underperforming employee or team member at work. There they are sitting in that glass conference room waiting for you to show up. How do you think they're feeling right now? They know they're having a meeting in that glass cube where everyone can walk by and see them talking with the boss. They're already embarrassed that the conversation has been scheduled. They're already fearful their job's about to get yanked. They're already thinking of all the defenses that they need to defend theirselves, their career, their identity, their ego, their mission, their work. They're already thinking about the last two bosses that didn't give them a chance. They're already thinking that they got thrown under the bus by somebody. Is being thrown under the bus traumatic for anybody? Is being given feedback in public where other people can see it? Is that traumatic for anybody? So you're about to go deliver underperforming conversation with somebody who's in trauma. They're like, oh my God, my boss is coming. I've been let down before. Oh my gosh. Someone probably threw me under the bus. Somebody at work, they reported me. They said, I'm not doing a good job. I can't trust this place. This is not a safe space anymore. You know what? I've tried. I've put my work, I put my time, I've sacrificed for this, and now it's about to get yanked. How am I going to afford my mortgage? How am I going to Afford my insurance. How am I going to take care of the kids? That's where they're at. And you're like, master didn't hit the numbers. I'm not saying this is always true. I'm saying they're in a place of trauma to get the feedback already. If you can recognize that you're going to slow your roll, you're going to change your approach, you can still get to the same conclusion. Perhaps you can still work through the process. But it is by recognizing that humans have emotions that have been triggered from the past. Most humans are living in a place of fear. Most humans are uncertain about their future. And if you know that before you interact with them, you can become that role model. You can become that encouraging force. Even if you have to deliver the tough news. You can be more patient as she explains things to you. You can listen. You can take a beat. You can breathe it out with that person a little bit. You can hold from the judgment that person is healing from trauma or in trauma, that person is mortal. That person struggles and suffers equally to you, even if you can't sense it in the moment. Okay, my friend, I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Brendon Show.

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Because believe it or not, that stuff.

Actually really does help.

And I read all of them. So my last thought for today, please remember, you are stronger than you think and the future holds good things for you. Tomorrow can be an inspired day. Every new morning is a second chance and every day is a great day to grow. We're thankful to have you here in the growth day community, so be sure to go deeper with us@growthday.com Sam.