How to Give Your Family What They Want

Do you know what the dream is of everyone in your family? Or do you only know their problems? Your job in a family dynamic is to really listen to who that person is, what brings them joy, passion, fulfillment. Most family members don't listen to one another, and most family members want the other person to do what they want to do. People tell you what they want, but not always explicitly. Like, you have to learn what people want. I was with this mom one time and this kid came in and her kid was maybe, let's call him five, six years old. Her son comes in, five, six years old, and the kid is just. And the mom's listening and talking and everything. And this kid, without saying it, the mom says, do you want to go outside? Kid lights up, yes. Okay. So she walked to open the door, kid runs outside. I said, how did you know that? She goes, I was just listening. I said, but he didn't say he wanted to go outside. She said, I was listening. You know, moms know what I'm talking about. It's like that, that uncanny intuitive knowing, because you're not just listening to what the words are being said, not even just listening to non verbals. You're listening beyond. You're listening to your understanding of the character. You're listening to your understanding of the bigger plot. You're listening to something that's more universal. You're tapped in and you're listening for what is ideal for that person right now. Now, you might not always get it right, but. But you're listening for it. And if you can't pick up on it, ask what would be better, what would help you in the situation? How could I do it better? What do we need? Making it explicit. But I'm also here to tell you over a period of time, your job in a family dynamic is to really listen to who that person is. What brings them joy, what brings passion, fulfillment, what sparks their curiosity. And most families that fail impose it. Most families that fail impose it. There's a parent who tells the kid who to be, how to act, what they're supposed to be like, what job to have. Oh, you need to be the doctor. Oh, you're supposed to do this, or you need to dress like that. And it's total command and control. And that almost always spirals out of control because no one can do that to another person. And so I think it's important for you to learn to listen. And can I say this in a different way, as a coach would teach, is you have to listen thematically for people. What does it mean it's not just one session where you sit down with someone, you're listening. What do I know of this person over a period of time? What have I listened and heard and tangibly observed that now I know this is what is ideal for them. I've learned what their ideal job is. I've learned what their ideal is in the relationship they have with their girlfriend. I've learned what their ideal subject is in school. I've learned what they ideally want in this situation. The more you can dial into their ideal and you can listen to that and you can honor that, you can see that, you can express that, you can help them even find it or expose it. Now you're getting the superpowers in a family because most family members don't listen to one another. And most family members want the other person to do what they want to do. They are in command and control. They are in judgment. They are in labeling. They are, you're supposed to do this versus I see you feel you are supposed to do this. It's different. And if you want to advance your family, if you want to advance your extended family, if you want to advance the world, you have to learn to start listening to people's dreams again. I've always found this to be difficult because in most of the family dynamics that I'm brought into, I get brought into the family dynamic because I'm coaching somebody and something's not right in their family. And so they'll ask me to have some of these conversations. It's pretty rare that I'll do it without lots of discussion in advance. But most of the time when I'm in there, I'm just observing. No one's listening to each other, and no one's really clear about what the ideal is. They're very clear about what the problem is. He's not going to school. So the conversation is, he's not going to school. Why aren't you going to school? Why aren't you? Why don't you? Why don't you? That's not dialogue. That's not discussion. That's accusation. Everyone thinks the word why is so powerful. Most often why is used in a negative connotation. Why is this happening to me, God? Or why are you doing that right? It's victimhood or blaming. Most people don't know how to use the word why. I love the theory. Start with why. But unless you're a coach, most people who start with why, it's not a very good thing. Most people start with why. Why are you doing this or why is this happening to me? I'm like most often, what is a better word? What is it you desire here? See the difference? Why aren't you going to school versus what would you love to have and experience at school? Two different things. Most people use why to identify problems, but you can use what to explore. Dreams, idealization, what they really desire, what they really need. Right. Why are you doing that versus what do you need? Two different styles of communication. Why versus what? Two completely different styles. Most people equipped with the why do harm. Most people equipped with a what get to a better discussion. Most great coaches don't actually use the word why that often. They're more explorative. Not that why can't be powerful because you can understand somebody's quote, unquote why. But we also know one of the reasons that most people are doing coaching or therapy is clarity is not there yet. We need to do more exploration. And so asking what someone's ideal is, what their dream is, what they need. So you're listening for these things, you're listening for it. And I come back to that story of the mom who I saw with her, I don't know, five or six year old son knowing he needed to go outside, he wanted to go outside without him saying it. I know it seems like super human communication, but it's because she's listened for what he needs and wants so many times. She just knew it, just absolutely knew it. Listened for the ideal. Do you know everyone in your family? Do you know their real thoughts, feelings, needs, desires and dreams? Most people know what's wrong with their family members. They don't know what each of their family members truly desires. That's the mastery difference. Another big one. I love this one. Open doors of learning. The most happy and successful families in the world have a practice of empowering education. They have a practice of, oh, you like this? Let me go get you books on this. Oh, you like this? Let's go there. Oh, you're interested in this? Let's enroll you in this. There is an active encouragement of learning. That's what I mean by opening doors to learning. Like, oh, you like this? Here you go. You know, and it's just like everyone in the family is supportive of that learning. And notice what I said there. Everyone in the family, it just takes one. If one person can see it, one person can encourage it. It's everything. I'll give you an example. In my family, my dad early on recognized that I just love books, even before I was reading books. I liked books. And when I started reading books, it's like my dad got me some of the pivotal books that changed my life forever. He got me Buckley's lend me your ears. This book was a book of the greatest speeches in history. That book, like, changed my life. I was like, wow, speeches. I've never read a great speech. These are the greatest speeches in history. It's called lend me your ears. And I was like, wow. It just opened up my entire life to the love of communication because he noticed I loved books. He noticed when television was on, I would watch. Apparently, I'd watch the president, or I'd watch somebody give a speech, or I'd really tune in to have somebody's community. I don't know how he picked up on it. He just picked up on it. Bought me lots of books, encouraged my reading, asked me, what are you reading? Ask me, what do you think when you read this? He would hand me the newspaper in the morning. He'd sit on this. We had this couch with one of those, like, lazy boy recliners where the. The. Your feet could come up. And he'd read the newspaper, and then he'd hand it to me, and he might mention an article, and he'd say, hey, read this article. Tell me what you think about it. He was having me explore my reading. And my dad actively, really encouraged that. And here's the thing. Ultimately, my whole family did. I mean, for Christmases, I would get, like, Barnes and Noble gift cards because I knew I loved to go to the bookstore. Like, my family members would say, hey, do you want to go to the bookstore? Like, some other people say, hey, you want to go hang out at the mall? Like, they just knew that was a thing for me. When I. You know, when. When my current. Like, my. My current family, my wife, she just knows, like, more than anything, I love bookstores. She got me this big, beautiful book, by the way, that has pictures of all the great libraries in the world. I'm like, oh, my gosh. Like, encourage someone's dorking out. And families do that. Great. Oh, you love this sport. Let's go to it. You just go. Because that's what they love. Even if you don't like sports at all, you're opening the door for them to participate or do something that they love. Now, if they don't want you there, that's one thing. Listen to that. But open the door. Encourage that learning. This is stuff that changes everything. Active empowerment and encouragement of learning. And like I asked earlier, I said, do you know what the dream is of everyone in your family? Do you know what their ideal is, or do you only know their problems? Lower trust families tend to just know everyone's problems. They don't know everyone's dreams. Well, in this regard, I think it's really important, too, is do you know what everyone in your family wants to learn? What are they passionate about? You know, I love my family and extended families. Like, when we get around so often, it's like we're sharing cool things we're learning. Whether it's reading this book or I saw this on TV or have you watched this documentary or you're watching this show, it's always about, like, what are we seeing? Learning, absorbing. And that's not just because I like it. It's just like, that became a thing. And I think it's important to encourage.