How to Handle Uncertainty & Transition in Life

When worry is tied to a proactive nature, when it goes from problem obsessing to solution searching, we tend to have a healthier time of worry. We're going to talk about the topic of worry. You know, so many people this time of year worry that they're not going to be able to change, they won't be able to achieve their goals by the end of this year. People worry that there's been too much chaos in the world. They worry about their family, worry about their wealth, worry about their ability to make things happen, worry about jobs, worry about meaning, worry about whether or not they're on the right path, worry about those difficult conversations come up, worry that I'm just stressing them out, bringing up all these worries. And here's what I'm here to tell you. You can handle this. Worry is not something that's going to stop you. Worry is a fictionalized tale that we often tell ourselves about what might happen in the future. And we tend to make the terrible mistake of replaying what might happen over and over and over again. We grab onto a worry and we just ride that thing for days and weeks and months, giving it so much mind share, so much time thinking about it, thinking about it and thinking about it, generating the same feelings day after day after day that come from that original worry. And we get ourselves stuck in this sort of useless loop that ultimately saps us from. From the vibrancy of life. It creates this ongoing loop of discouragement that at the end of the day, sadly, has usually been under much of our control. Now, of course, I'm here to tell you not all worry is wasted. Sometimes it makes sense to worry about your health. It makes sense to worry about your family or your kids when they're in a bad predicament or using drugs or doing something that's inappropriate. It makes sense to worry about the success of your business. Sometimes worry can give you mental focus. It says, hey, I'm concerned about this, so I'm going to watch for it and I am going to behave in a way that ensures that thing doesn't happen. It's often called a productive paranoia in that you're thinking about it and you're being proactive to ensure that it does not happen. In that case, when worry is tied to a proactive nature, when it goes from problem obsessing to solution searching, we tend to have a healthier time of worry. But listen, I'd like to talk about worry in just a few simple bullet points today that might help you with any worries you're facing, first and foremost, it's okay that you worry. You know, people often worry that they worry too much and now they're in a worse loop. So let's just get okay with the fact that we all worry. We all worry at different times in our lives, at different intensities of our lives. It's okay to worry intensely. We know we have a trouble with worry when it's just an ongoing repetitive thought feeling discouragement. Thought feeling discouragement or thought feeling fear. Thought feeling fear loop. It's okay to have an intense worry. Oh my gosh, I just noticed this is happening. I've got to change, I've got to adjust, I've got to do something about it. But to have that feeling that is disempowered. Oh no, oh no, oh no. And to live in that constant problem state over and over and over again, that's unhealthy. So let's walk through a few ideas. First, please don't believe that your worry is a fact. Often we believe all the thoughts that we have in our head and they feel real to us. But sometimes worry isn't a fact. And the more time you spend on it, the more time you are spinning a fictionalized world that is frankly, separate from reality. And right now, what we need is people's feet on the ground, facing life as it is, being real about it and solving problems, being proactive, taking personal responsibility. And when there's lots and lots of things to worry about, as there always are, we have to say, well, which of those things do I have the ability to affect? What can I control? Let me turn my attention to what I can do, to what I can say, to the next step that is right for me versus spinning in worry. I think the most important thing is to notice when you are in spinning in worry that is detached from any fact or evidence. That when you're worrying and worrying, worrying about the kids and worrying and worrying and worrying about kids because they haven't called for 10 minutes, sometimes we've got to take a step away from that and go, okay. They tend to be okay when they leave the house for 10 minutes. Let me take a breather here. We've got to remember that when we worry and worry and worry, we can catch ourselves, we can take a few deep breaths, we can remind ourselves of what's real, and we can recalibrate that worry into saying, okay, is this something I need to act from or just release? Because emotions come up all the time. Worry is one of them, and we can see it and Say, is that fact? Is that useful? Should I be concerned about that? Do I need to be concerned about that now? Should I release that or take action from that? And I've always found the more I work with people, the greater maturity they have, the more often they are likely to release the worry than to hold onto it and spin themselves into disempowerment. Second idea is, if you're having worry again, it's okay. Capture it. Capture the worry and then do two things. Number one, identify what's the feeling you are sensing beyond just worry? Oh, no, no, Brett, I'm worried about the kids. Well, what is that worry generating in terms of feeling? Fear, insecurity, worthlessness, lack of capability. I feel embarrassed or shamed or unhappy or. There's usually a feeling below worry. What is that? Then ask, what's the value, the positive value you have in your life that is being conflicted that's causing the feeling and the worry? Oh, well, I have a high value for, you know, family cohesion, so I'm worried that someone is not being a part of the family. Oh, I have a high value for security. And so I am feeling a little insecure about my bank account right now. Oh, I have a high value for kindness, so I'm a little worried that I treated this person rudely yesterday. These things are positive, intense, aren't they? I would say when you meet a worrywart, please realize that there's a positive intent behind all of that worry. And our job in personal development is to recognize the positive intent that is usually driving all the emotions that we have. You know, most of the emotions that we have are in some way there's a positive intent behind it for safety, security, belonging to aliveness, connection, meaning. But they kind of get warped as our minds make up more and more stories, and those stories spin up into worries, and those worries spin off a few more chapters of stories. And now we live in this huge narrative of concern, when really one little tiny thing happened and we had a positive intent with it, but we didn't feel like we had control. So we told ourselves a bunch of stories. The more we lack a sense of control, the more we spin up lots of stories. And the worst part is, in the modern world, worry has become a connection point for people, Right? Think about the last couple years, how much connection people got by sharing worries about the future. I'm worried the kids aren't going to get to go back to school. Oh, I'm worried we're never gonna go back to normal. Oh, I'm worried I'm gonna get sick. Oh, I'm worried this, I'm worried that. And everyone goes, oh, yeah, me too. Oh, gosh. And now worry becomes a societal narrative of more stories spun up, of concern. And that's the problem. Worry is a great connection point for people, but it often also stops a culture from progressing just as much as it stops you from progressing. And that's why you have to identify what's the positive intent behind this thing and can you do something about it? Oh, I'm worried the kids might not go back to school. Well, guess what? You don't know anything until they say going back to school or not. So let's make the positive intent. The positive intent is I want my kids to have a great education. Now, you might or may not be able to control the school board or the state or local government of when things are going to happen again. But that positive intent, making sure they have a positive and good education, you can do research on that. You can learn how to homeschool, or you can learn how to be effective in helping them with their schoolwork while they're at home. You can learn that. Explore that less time worrying what might or might not happen that you can't control. More time driving towards the positive intent. Next idea is just make a plan. You know, often I worry about my team members, you know, some piece of content or a book or a project I have in motion. And so if I feel that sense of worry, I'm just gonna go and capture that. I'm gonna think about the feelings I'm having. I'm gonna recognize the positive intent, and I'm gonna make a plan. Okay. Tomorrow, I'm gonna take steps 1, 2, 3 to handle this worry. Or in this next hour, I'll take the steps to handle this worry. Steps 1, 2, and 3. Sometimes just by making a plan or a to do list or checklist, you can relieve a lot of that worry because your mind goes, okay, geez, at least there's a plan anymore. So every time it jumps back into problem world and spinning up that narrative, the other part of your brain goes, no, no, no, it's all right. Hey, I got this handled. There's a plan over here. So you don't have to have a big plan, but just write down three steps, three things you can do. Well, I'm worried about marriage. Okay, great. Three things. What should you do? Go. Okay, Plan date night, Say I'm sorry and buy a little gift. Okay, great, good. Do that. Make that positive forward emotion, because the worry. Oh, My gosh, my relations are going to fall apart. It's going to be all awful. Well, that feeling is fear. And the value is, well, you want the relationship to be good, so what steps would you have to take to make the relationship good? You get the idea. Last piece is end your day releasing the worries of the day. I think the end of the day needs to have a practice where you just do a release meditation and you release all the worries and the tension and the thoughts of the day. For me, I just do my release meditation technique. Maybe you go for a long walk, maybe you journal it out, maybe you talk it out, but at the end of the day, learn to release that pressure valve. It doesn't mean you can't get up in the morning. Be proactive, be thoughtful, be even productively paranoid. But the idea is let it go so you can sleep. I believe we have more people who are struggling through this epidemic we have of sleep that they are getting just terrible sleep night after night after night after night. And they try all the motions, they try all the measurement of their sleep. They chill the room, they get those nice big heavy blankets, they make sure the room is all dark. And then there they are alone with their thoughts and worries. They took all the melatonin, they. They took all the funny things. They did everything they thought they should do, and it's still there they are with their worries. You gotta release them, you gotta let them go. You gotta build a practice to do that. And it's not going to be easy. It's just required. That's the thing of self mastery, isn't it? It's not easy. We just have to do it. I remember in my early 20s, I really struggled with sleeping. And I thought, well, this is crazy. I already know from all the research that sleep is the critical driver to life satisfaction, to health, to recovery, to creativity, to clear thinking, to advancement, and yes, even to income. I've got to figure out how to get my sleep under control. And I fell face to face with the fact that I had to just stop worrying at night. So I had to figure out a way to do that. So what I would do is I would take a long walk and I would listen to positive personal development audios. I'd come back, I'd journal about what I wanted in my life. I'd write down a plan for the next day. I'd lay on the floor, like literally lay on the floor before going to bed. I'd lay on the floor and just do a basic deep breathing technique. I'd Breathe deeply. What now? More or less call a box breathing technique. I breathe in four counts, hold four counts, breathe out four counts, hold four counts, repeat. And I would just do that. And I'd try to just not think of anything, just let go of things. If my mind wandered in any worry, I'd think about the plan I just wrote down. Okay, cool. And then I just surrender. Nothing more I can do today. God's got it from here. I'll go to bed. He's still working up there. Tomorrow, I'll keep working faithfully towards the things I'm hoping to create in my life. And I'll just release the final outcome. My destiny will be built and chosen by someone beyond me. For me, I believe that's my creator. And so let me live tomorrow with positive intention, a clear plan, a faithful, joyous willingness to serve and to work. And I'll let the outcomes take care of themselves. I'll just show up, I'll do my best. I'll do that every day. Not much to worry about. When you do those things, you get to architect the stories of your life in your mind. You get to choose what to focus on. You get to choose how to deal with the worries and the emotions that come up. You get to choose, choose that you'll learn to do better and better at that trust. Have faith that you will, because you already know every day is a great day to grow. I can't wait to talk to you with you today about an awesome topic of being a hot mess in life, something I am pro level at. So this might be something you really want to listen to. You know, first, I hope that today you have greeted this day with some intention, some gratitude, some real focus and diligence. You know, every day you really get the chance to reset your attitude, just kind of calibrate yourself in a positive direction for the day. So I hope that you'll take a nice deep breath with me and just find a moment of center of appreciation. You've already done something you deserve a pat on the back for. You've made self awareness a priority. You said, I want to learn something about myself today, I want to improve myself today. And that already is such a rare trait that I congratulate you and I give you virtual high fives. Good start for the day. But I do really actually want to talk about this topic of being a hot mess. You know, I often tell people that who are entrepreneurs that you have to be okay with being a hot mess. Sometimes in your startup story, I tell parents you have to Be okay sometimes that you're going to be a hot mess when that newborn arrives and okay until they leave the house. But, you know, it's. There's times in our lives of intensity, of change, of transition, when things don't feel like, you know, you've got everything under your control. When you're not as motivated, focused, your planning falls apart. You're just not feeling on your A game. And think about that collectively. What we're facing after these last 18 months to two years of so much change, so much vitriol, so much transition in the way we live, we work, we think societal levels of real turmoil. And so I have a lot of clients right now in my coaching practice who are saying, gosh, Bren, I just. I don't know, I feel like I'm all over the place. I feel like I. I can't focus. I. I feel like, you know, now that I feel disorganized at work and at home, and I'm having struggle with focus and planning and I'm not as productive as I used to be. And then they make a fatal mistake. They get down on themselves about that. They equate lack of organization, focus or productivity, or progress into self hatred versus recognizing the very factors that exist that could lead someone to that point. Right. How we feel is usually a result of multiple factors guiding us there, Right? Well, you feel crappy in the middle of the day. It's rare that you think, well, yeah, last night I did eat terrible stuff, I probably drank too much, and this morning I didn't move around, I didn't set myself in a good place, I didn't stretch, I didn't get some water, and gosh, I've been staring at a screen for six hours straight. Total shock. I don't feel good. People are surprised often by their feelings and emotions. And as we mature, we get better, identifying all the factors that led us to feeling where we're at. And if you're feeling like a hot mess in life right now, or you're struggling to prioritize or put your feet on the ground, well, the reason is because we've endured tremendous amounts of transition. And in those times, unless you're really diligent and conscientious about planning ahead, about preparing your mind each day, about making sure you know what your intention is for the day in terms of scheduling what you're gonna do that day, if you're not looking out forward and thinking and planning for it, well, then no surprise that in the moment you don't know where to Go. You don't know what to do. You're kind of reacting to what happened yesterday versus moving intentionally in a direction that you want. And listen, that's correctable. So there's no reason to have self hatred for it. Instead, correct the factors. You're tired of feeling tired. Okay, Correct the factors of poor sleep, poor nutrition, poor exercise, and poor focus on the things that matter. Those things are correctable. That's why I love self improvement, in that we can improve ourselves by improving the factors in our lives that affect how we feel. It's almost a misnomer that it's always about self improvement. I tend to like the phrase life improvement because there's so many factors beyond just the self that are real levers of change. But since we like the term improvement anyway, whatever we apply it to, this is a good place to apply it to. If you've been feeling like a hot mess, here's a few ideas. Number one, and I'm going to say this, and I promise you're not going to like it, especially if you feel like you're in a hot mess. And again, I felt that plenty in the last six months in launching this little company we call Growth Day. As we started all this software, we're, we're learning new things, we've hired so many people, we're scaling. We're really trying to change the game in how we deliver personal growth and wellness to people. With Growth Day and your help, your support, your participation, there's been plenty of times I didn't know what we were doing. I didn't know how to get it done. I was unsure of what we should focus on that month or that next month because we were learning so much as we were going. That always happens. But I'm gonna share something with you that a neighbor shared with me when I was really young. And you won't like the phrase. I don't like the phrase when I hear it, but boy, it's a good one. And that is this. Randomness is rude. Randomness is rude. Now, I say this because I know you're a high performer and you'll often do more for other people than you'll do for yourself. And what I like to tell people when you are feeling completely random, when you feel like you're just blowing in the wind and you know, it's easy to get in a place where you think, oh, well, people don't understand all the factors. In my life, I'm always going to be late for every meeting because I'm so busy. I'm always, you know, going to be a little bit out of control. I'm always going to have to cancel things. I'm just, you know, I'm a hot mess. Because all these factors and we don't take personal accountability and what ends up happening is our hot mess ends up blowing up other people's schedules and lives. We didn't get diligent and conscientious about preparation and planning and so everyone around us suffers and has to be on our last minute schedule. I found as the years have gone by and I got more mature in my coaching to have the guts to challenge people and let them know that often that's the ego taking over. In the language of life coaching, it's often self martyrdom. It's oh, well, you don't understand. I'm always going to be late because I'm so important and everyone is tugging at me, which gives us the excuse that we never have to get organized. And so what ends up happening is we keep blowing up everybody else's life versus getting ourselves centered again, focused again, balanced again, prepared again. And so I start here because again, I'm a high performance coach. A little different approach than other people might take with you here. I want to challenge you. And this neighbor challenged me. Said Brendan, randomness is rude. And what the context was was I was being paid to mow this person's lawn and he asked me to show up at a certain time every single week on a certain day to mow that lawn. Well, I had lots of other gigs and I would inevitably show up late, not on his schedule because I didn't think it mattered. But of course he planned his family outings around the time when the mower would be going. He planned to be there at certain times to make sure that I got paid. He planned things around me, but I was so self centered, I just thought, well, you know, it took me longer to do this other yard over here and now I'm showing up here, no one really, no one really cares. You know, at the end the dang lawn got mowed and he said to me one time, brendan, randomness is rude. You're being rude to me and my family by not showing up on time. And that hit me like a lawnmower in the face. I couldn't believe it. And I thought, wow, listen to all these stories I'm telling myself in my head about why I'm not able to make this date, make this time. And I had to realize randomness is rude. And that made me prepare better. It made Me get up a little earlier. It made me make sure I took better care of my mower. It made me sure I planned the day to get to the houses on schedules that they liked. It changed how I went about that job. And I got better at it because he said that to me. You know, when we don't schedule, we often do it because we're trying to be, you know, we don't realize it. We would never say it. We wouldn't say, I'm trying to be rude, I'm trying to be a martyr, I'm trying to be self important. But often that's the actual reality, no matter what story we tell ourselves. And so if we can teach ourselves, yeah, there's factors I can control and shift to make sure that I get more focused, prepared, productive, diligent. Things will change. And I don't say this in any judgmental way. I actually say this in a very encouraging way to you because listen to this. The largest studies in psychology tend to revolve around the big five factors. Have you ever heard of it? Or the big five personality traits often misnomered. But the big five, that's our openness, that is our conscientiousness, that measures extroversion, agreeableness, that measures neuroticism. And what they found after measuring all these things for over a period of time, that the people who are the most successful, the highest earning, and by the way, live the longest are the most conscientious. What does that mean? Conscientious people plan ahead. Conscientious people care about the details. Conscientious people follow through on their word. Wow. So simple, so straightforward. You want to live longer, you want to earn more. Got it. Have personal responsibility, plan ahead, prepare more, set a schedule, follow through, track and manage your goals, care about the details. These things make you not only a more thoughtful person in your life, but a more thoughtful person in other people's lives. I know you already know this striver, but it's my job here to sometimes remind you of the basic things and hopefully say them in a way that kind of, oh, right, I should think about that in a different way. You know, when we're a hot mess, I also encourage you to make sure that you ask for help. Because the truth is it's not always we're trying to be a martyr or self important or rude to anybody. We got overwhelmed, but we got overwhelmed without personal responsibility. What do I mean by that? Well, lots of people overwhelmed, but people who are conscientious, when they get overwhelmed Sooner than later, they raise their hand and ask for help. Sooner than later, they set new boundaries. Sooner than later, they clear the decks. They say no to things, they cancel things so that they can focus on what's important and what they promise to deliver. Sooner than later, many people overwhelmed, and they let themselves be overwhelmed. Not today, not tomorrow, not just this week, but this month, this year, this decade. I know people who've been overwhelmed for a decade, decade and never ask for help. I'm not kidding you at all. You know, just, what, two, three years ago, I remember I was coaching a couple, and I usually don't do that, but I was licensed to do peer mediation back in the day. I had a lot of mediation training from one of the best mediators on the planet when I was in grad school. And I thought I could help this couple. And so I started working with them. And where they were in their relationship was they had been together just over 15, 16 years, and they were having divorce conversation. And as we dug into why they thought they were going to get divorced, it turned out that the woman in the relationship, it was a male, female relationship. The woman had had enough. She said that she'd been overwhelmed with everything that she was doing in the house, with the kids, and in her career, and it had reached a breaking point. Now, unfortunately, as can often be the case, the gentleman was oblivious to this fact. Now, he knew she was stressed, but he didn't really appreciate the level of overwhelm she had had. So they were in this argument about that, and finally he kind of said, but you've just. You. You handle it all. And she just broke down crying. We had this beautiful conversation afterwards where I asked her to make a list of things and explicitly state them to him in the areas in which she was overwhelmed, and then followed by 1, 2, or 3 direct requests and then ask him if he would do those things. So he did that in the mediation. Now, I know this sounds so basic, and you can imagine they'd had tons and tons of arguments and tons and tons of hints and wishes and desires that were not explicitly stated. Over the last decade and a half, they did that. We probably spent about, I don't know, 60, 90 minutes on that topic. And you would have thought that the people who left that room were completely different to humans than who came into that room. When they entered that room, they were dispirited, they were angry, they were divided. When they left that room, the guy was kind of like, I can do those things for you. And she was kind of like what? He's like, no, he's like, that's the thing. And she's like, well, duh. And the thing is, we often don't explicitly ask for help. Many people complain, very few make direct, clear requests. Let me say it again. Many people complain, very few make direct, clear requests. Very few still make clear, consistent or follow up, direct, clear requests when the first ones weren't heard or when the first ones weren't sort of like followed through on. Because the other person is also overwhelmed trying to deal with everything in their lives. You've heard that thing before that you have to show people marketing or ask them to buy something seven times. Well, guess what? The unfortunate reality in real life is you got to ask your partner a couple times in a couple different ways before it will finally click for them to realize what you're really saying and what you really need. And I share all that because here was this person who for 15 years was overwhelmed, felt like a hot mess, always stressed, and in her mind it was so clear how everyone else could help her. Now, later on I got to chat with some of their children and the kids also didn't get it because, you know, in that case, mom was kind of like Wonder Woman. She was amazing. And yeah, sometimes she got angry, but she was so incredible, they didn't quite get the severity of how she felt. So out of control, so overwhelmed and disorganized. And I share all that with you because maybe the people around you don't know. Maybe because you're the high performer, you're the striver, you're the caregiver, you're the leader. They don't know the extent to which you need help. But if as I'm sharing this with you, you're recognizing any of this, like, gosh, I feel like I'm a hot mess. I don't know what to do. I'm all over the place. I don't feel organized. I just feel like there's too much going on. Those are things to actually communicate with the people around you, but then to follow up with a request. Gosh, I feel like I'm just a mess right now and everything's all up in the air. You know what, Could I just get some support to have half a day so I can just go to the coffee shop and just plan out my week? Could you watch your kids for a couple hours so I could just go away and plan? Or, gosh, I feel like there's so much going on. I don't know. I'm so overwhelmed here at work. Hey, dear manager, could we hop on the phone for 45 minutes? I feel like there's so many things going on and I just, I'm not sure what to prioritize and I don't want to be disorganized or focus on the wrong thing. Could we just talk it through? I wish I could tell you how many times I had that conversation with a manager at the start of my career. When I finished college and grad school, I started working for a major consulting company and I was thrown into the mix building leadership development programs some of the largest companies in the world. And usually what happened is one or two partners sold the deal and then I kind of got brought in to basically build it. And so I was building large scale leadership programs for major companies with tens of thousands employees in my early 20s and I didn't know what I was doing, but I didn't feign it. I didn't try to be fancy or smart. Instead, all along the way, well, okay, this is how I'm interpreting it. I think this is what my work plan is. Can you check it first? Am I doing this right? I find it, I don't. I'm not sure I'm focused and doing what we need to as a project. Can we walk it and talk it through? That's not being naive, that's not being dumb. That's being intelligent enough to ask for help so I don't stay in that state of confusion or distraction or lack of prioritizing things. Right, because then what happens later if you do that? Well, then that's. Then at the end of the year you get the bad performance review and you're mad and you're mad at them for not giving you more guidance, but you never actually asked for the help and directed it and took personal responsibility to schedule it and to talk it through and to improve. Now all of this, if you didn't know, my work could sound awfully judgmental. But I believe that we should all be challenged in our own personal responsibility, always first. It doesn't mean that we can't be empathetic because like I said, there's been so much transition, there's so many factors. There's a lot of things that can cause us to feel these things. But the science is pretty clear on this one, guys. Conscientiousness is the way through better planning, better preparation, a little more time up front to get clarity or to get help. And so if you're feeling like a hot mess, especially this time of year, it's a good time to check in with somebody, ask for some help, recalibrate, realign, refocus. It might also be a time to just look at your overall habits. Often I tell people, hot mess. If you feel like that, that that's okay, it's okay on a daily or weekly basis, it's okay at those weird times, like I acknowledged earlier. I hope with some empathy for you when you have the newborns, when you made your major life transition, when we're all coming out of this craziness of this time. But the thing is, don't wallow in it and don't fail to take action and personal accountability to say, what could I do to get a little bit more organized? What can I do to get a little more clarity and help? Let me do those things. Once you get yourself a little bit more organized, maybe get a little more support or a little more clarity, there is such a confidence and a momentum that comes from that, and you deserve to feel that. So take those actions today. Because you and I both know that every day is a great day to grow.