How to Overcome Fear

I believe that fear gets way too much airplay. You know, I think so many people say, well, people don't take action because they have too much fear, or fear is holding people back. And I think this is so common in our language, it's almost to the point where it's almost comedic. It's ridiculous. It's like, well, what are they fearful of? What are they so scared of? You know, we live in the modern world right now where there's not all these impulsive fears that are driven by a physical reality to be safe, you know, not being chased by animals that are trying to kill us often, right? So most of the fears that we actually have are just negative, contemplative thoughts that we're rerunning too often and we're associating so much pain to that now it becomes convenient. Oh, it's fear. As if some fear is some big, unknowable, scary, awful thing. Well, mostly it's not. Most fear is just bad management of our own mental faculties. It's not an impulsive physical thing generating in our brain telling us to, you know, fight, flight or flee. And everyone wants to use that excuse. You know, we still have all these, you know, biological psychologists or people running around saying, well, it's just an impulsive thing that people can't understand or be conscious of. Right? It's the unconscious fears. It's just wiping us out. It's like, get over it. Neuroscience has shown, like, we have much more powerful capabilities than most of us think that we do. And the reality is, the most fear, once you understand what it actually is, and it usually is a contemplative process, and once they understand what it is, and then it's like, oh, we can overcome it. Because what is it then? I mean, what is fear? What are we so scared of? What's going to hurt us? What is this thing that we fear is going to bring so much pain in our lives? Ever thought about it? What is it? What is the thing that we're so scared that's going to bring in all this pain to our lives? I remember figuring this out for myself, and when I did, I wasn't so scared anymore. Because sometimes, you know, the things, once you understand them more, they're not so terrifying. Once something becomes knowable, you can develop competency around it. Once you can develop competency around it, then you can develop confidence around it. There's this old thing in psychology we call the competence confidence loop. The more you understand something, the more confidence you have in that area. Same thing with anything that does happen to anyone. Impulsively generate some fear in yourself. Well, now, once you understand what it is, you can deal with it better. Because what we're all fearing is basically three types of pain, three areas that we might experience pain in our lives. And once we understand that, we can reorient our mindset around those things and no longer be frustrated or stopped by fear. The first thing that we fear pain in, in our lives is what I call losses. Pain. Loss pain is, well, if I change my life or I do this new thing, I'll experience loss. And because I experience loss, I don't want to do it. So I'm scared to try it because I might lose something that I, like, I care for, I adore. I might, if I go and make that big change in my life, I might lose my job, I might lose my relationship with my spouse, I might lose my connection with my kids. I might lose a passion, I might lose a benefit, right? I remember when I wanted to go and start my own business, everyone was generating all this fear in me by saying, well, be careful. You know, this is very dangerous, Brendan. You don't want to quit your job and lose all that security you have. You're going to. I mean, what about your 401k, Brendan? You're going to lose your 401k. I mean, all these things we think we're going to fear. And the reality was part of that was true. As I thought more about the situation, I was concerned. I was fearful that I would lose the security I had that the job provided. I would lose that steady paycheck we all want. I would lose that predictability of my career path. I would lose that nice process of having managers around to kind of coach and consult me into higher levels of performance. I would lose the peer set. I love my co workers. I lose some of the work that I loved. I would lose that great lunch and cafeteria. You know, it's like you think of all these things you're gonna lose so you don't make the decision to quit. Same thing. Like, people are going to try and, you know, quit, you know, smoking, or they're going to try and start a diet. They're fearful that they're going to lose that. That smoking break that gives them that peace and that comfort and that. That sense of calmness from breathing in deep, even though they're breathing in death. You know, they're fearful, oh, well, if I change my diet, I'm going to lose those foods that I love so much. So I'm not Going to change. And that's what people do. They're fearing loss. So part of reorienting our lives is start focusing on the things that instead of what we're going to lose, of what we're going to gain. Yeah, I might lose my security for the short term, but over the long term, I might have more freedom. I might gain freedom. I might lose that coaching and that person who's going to develop me in terms of that organizational structure. But over here, I'm going to gain greater challenges. I'm going to grow faster because I'm going to be doing things faster on my own. Oh, you know, I'm going to lose that 401k. Yeah. But I'm going to make a million dollars over here, you know, focusing on those gains. See what happens in the fearful mind. It starts asking this question, what if? And it follows that phrase with a negative statement. What if this terrible thing happens? What if this terrible thing happens? What if this terrible thing happens and we generate and we stew within our gut, these acids and these fears that literally trick our mind into thinking we can't change. But once you understand loss, pain is something you're dealing with. Start focusing more on the things that you will gain and you're getting over a hurdle. The second thing that we fear so much is what I call process pain. Process pain is changing in anything is going to be hard. The process of change itself is hard, let alone what we'll lose. Doing something new is hard. When I went to think about starting my new business, I was terrified. I'm like, it's going to be hard. I don't know how to do those things yet. I don't have any competency in those areas yet. I'm not sure how this will go. I'm going to have to work 247 starting this business. I'm going to have to work really hard for three years. I might not be able to get any support and help. The process is scary. So we don't change. I mean, same thing for that person who thinks of quitting smoking. They're not thinking of the freedom of quitting smoking and living healthier. They're not thinking of being able to breathe and get up the stairs. They're thinking of the process of dealing with quitting. The addiction, the withdrawals, the frustration, the shakes, the addictions to the nicotine and how challenging that is. The person trying to start the new diet. It's the same thing for them. Process pain. They're thinking, oh, my gosh, I'm going to have to go shop in new shopping places to get fresher food. Oh, my gosh, I'm going to have to learn to cook now. New meals. Oh, my gosh, I'm going to have to, you know, start exercising. Oh, how hard is that going to be? And we think of all the things are going to be hard in doing those things. But part of the mastery of life is learning to see change as a game, learning to see challenges as something that we can joyously enter, to become the joyous master in the processes of our lives. To understand, yes, they might be challenging, but challenge is good. Challenge will develop us. Challenge will help us reach our highest self. Challenge will help us live that fully charged life. That, that process, it can be engaging and fun and exciting and new. It can bring variety and spice into our lives. We can look forward to the process of change. And when we switch our mind that way, we start to change more often. And the third thing that most people are actually fearing is they're fearing what I call outcome pain. They're scared that what if. What if they lose all these things in changing? What if they go through all this terrifying, difficult work and then the grass is not greener? The outcome is no better than I had at the very beginning. I was terrified that with my business, too. I thought, oh, my gosh, what if I begin this business and I do all these things and I work my butt off, but I don't make it? I don't earn any more money, I don't have a better lifestyle, I don't grow as fast. What if on the other side of the fence, it's not any better? And we sit and we think, what if it's not better? And I would have to go through all that. And if we're stuck there thinking that way, we never change. So part of the maturity and the mastery of life is realizing too, that instead of focusing on the outcomes that are negative, we can start thinking and dreaming about and visualizing and really giving our attention, our focus and powers of attraction into those things that would be powerful and good and satisfying, fulfilling, happy, joyous. On the other side of that fence, the things that would turn out to be wonderful and magnificent if we change our life. If I quit the smoking, I'm finally going to be able to feel good again. I'm not going to have to be addicted to some small little thing that's killing millions of people, that. That's just feeding these huge organizations that are killing people over and over and over again. I'm not going to perpetuate a disease in my body or in my family. I'm not going to make everybody carry on my addictions. Oh, you know what? In that new area too, I'm going to feel fit and happy and vibrant and energized on my own again. Oh, when I start that diet, you know what? I'm going to really enjoy tasting some new foods because I haven't tasted good food for a long time. I'm to going going to actually enjoy going out with people again. I'm going to enjoy shopping again to find clothes that actually fit my body. You start thinking about all the things that will be positive from that change. And when you do that, you start to master your mind and direct it better. Because you know what? When you're obsessing about loss, pain, process pain and outcome pain, guess what? The more you focus on those, the more you obsess about those types of pain, your brain and your body goes, no, don't do that. I don't want to experience that. Because we've built and we've been gifted with this incredible contraption here that is unbelievably driven to avoid pain. And when we realize that, then we have to stop suffering in our mind and stewing in our mind about the pain we might experience if we do the very things that would improve our lives. You and I both know what would improve our lives. Why aren't we doing it? Because somewhere there we've probably associated a lot of loss process or outcome pain to it. And today might be a great day to sit down and say, what do I really want in my life? Why have I not been progressing faster? And when you start exploring that question of why have I not been progressing faster? You might discover loss process and pain at work. And you're going to flip it now and focusing on the gains, the joys and the positive outcomes. And when you start to do that, you'll find yourself being that joyous master. You'll find yourself getting further ahead in life and you might just find that life can feel fully charged once again.