How to Rebuild the Connection in Your Relationship

If you're in my world, I'm going to cheer you on. Probably more than you cheer yourself on. It's time to become the cheerleader. It's time to be the person that goes, oh, share more about that with me. Why do you think that? Teach me how you're thinking. Share me your thought process. See them, honor them. Give them gratitude, Give them appreciation, Recognize their strengths, cheer them on. No more diminishing your partner's thought process. When you honor them, when you see them, when you cheer them on, it's a whole different energy. You have a choice in your communication, and today you're going to make a huge choice because it is a choice. It's an A or B this versus that. And this choice is, are you the criticizer or are you the cheerleader? You get to make that choice today. There's an identity you're going to step into there. And in your partnership, in your relationship with your clients, with your customers. If you're in my world, I'm going to cheer you on, probably more than you cheer yourself on. I'll be strong with you because I'm a coach. If you and me are talking about your difficult day at work, I am not going to be a venting soundboard, only where I just listen and I affirm all of your feelings. What I'm also going to do is I'm going to cheer you on. You know what? You can handle it. You got this. You'll turn it around. I believe in you. Hey, remember, you have this strength that helps you do that. Remember that old equation I told you earlier? Five times more praise. That's what relationship positive statements. Five times more in relationships that really last and still have the intimacy. The base research of that, by the way, was only three times more. To have a good relationship, to have a relationship and associative correlative of intimacy had to be five. That's five positive statements to every soundingly negative. But we live in a world that's hyper critical. Who recognizes that? Like, I mean, hyper critical. Everything you do, one tweet and 50 people come at you with razors, and it's like, wow, this is crazy. And that probably got into your heart. That probably got into your mindset especially. And this is really important. Many of you are really smart. Like, like I'm, I'm saying this, there's no facetiousness. Many people who engage in personal development like this, I mean, literally, your IQ is higher. Literally, you're more proficient in your life than other people. Literally, you probably have more success or wealth than many of the people in your life. Literally, you have more wisdom, life wisdom than other people that just we know that of audiences that engage in learning across the board. And so you're very smart. So here's one of the hallmarks of, of intelligence. And I don't just mean like an IQ test. I actually mean this is species level. What made humans different than other animals. So at a species level is the development of our brains that eventually gave us critical thinking. Critical thinking is a hallmark of intelligence. And I mean literally, not only an IQ test, but at a species level. It's one of the defining hallmarks of life on earth is our ability to act outside of our impulses and critically think to make good explanations for things. That's called critical thinking in science. What's a good explanation and prediction? Science is good explanations and predictions. And so, oh, I can critically think to explain this thing and to explain this thing in such a way that these factors aren't involved. And this is probably the most likely thing. There's an assumptions set here. This is probably the most likely theory that explains this. And we'll explain it again in the future. That's called science. So critical thinking gave us the capacity to conduct science. And the field of science is built on critical thinking, right? Theory, experimentation, prediction, replication. Okay, that's powerful. But notice it's called critical thinking. And many of us, those who are smart, did you know people with a higher IQ tend to point out more wrongs in their spouse than others. That same capacity that makes you a writer, makes you someone who experiments in your own life, makes you love your A, B tests in marketing. That same capacity for critical thinking in your relationship should be very much applied to yourself. See, when you are thinking critical thinking about your own behavior, you can be like, oh, well, I could do A, B, C or D. And C is most likely the best option. But here's what you do with your partner spouse. They did B, you thought they should do D. And now listen, you tell them all the reasons they were wrong about B and should have chose D. See, you did your hypothesis. There's A, B, C or D options. You chose D on their side, they chose B. And now you get argumentative. You tell them all the reasons A, C and D were better than the choice of B and they're stupid for B. Let me show you what. That's where condescension enters the relationship. And that's where critical thinkers get in trouble, including me, my wife in the things that she wish I could Change that are for the relationship. She shared. One of them, less arguing. So my list, by the way, I have no problem sharing this with you. Less arguing, Plan more and be a team player on local things we do together. Those are mine, right? Do you know what your partner wishes you changed for the relationship? Well, this is one of mine. Less arguing. Plan more team player on local things that we do together. Like do things with friends and stuff locally. Okay, that's a good one. Right. So the less arguing isn't because I'm like hypercritical. My less arguing is that I'm like, oh, I see options. A, B, C, D, E. I think it's D. She thinks it's B. I have to tell her why. B is wrong. Who does that in your relationship? Listen, if the general public is listening to this, it might be different. But you guys are into personal development. This means I know you have a higher capacity for critical thinking. The problem is you verbalize that critical thinking at your partner. Who's the debaters in the room? Be honest. You're the debater in your relationship. Yeah. It's time to become the cheerleader. It's time to be the person that goes, oh, share. Share more about that with me. Why do you think that? Teach me how you're thinking. Share me your thought process and cheer them on. It doesn't mean we can't debate or request. We'll talk about that later. But I think it's so important. I want everybody to be the cheerleader for your partner. See them, honor them, give them gratitude, give them appreciation, recognize their strengths, cheer them on. You can make change requests without criticizing and diminishing them. No more diminishing your partner's thought process. No more insulting their choices. No more criticizing everything she does around the house. No more criticizing everything he says. No more criticizing his friendships or her hopes or dreams. That is not a way to get yourself in a passionate, loving relationship. That's not going to get you sex, it's not going to get you respect. It's not going to get you a long term relationship. It's important. Cheer them on. Listen, it's not your job to be their cheerleader, their healer, their servant or their accountability partner. But when you bring the sandwich, when you honor them, when you see them, when you cheer them on, it's a whole different energy. My friends. I always have to remind myself when I think my wife is saying something wrong. Okay, I can tell her and I can argue with her or I can listen, acknowledge and cheer her on on her own path. On. On her own thinking, just recognizing. Sometimes you listen, you disagree with your partner, you don't like what they said, they commented on that Twitter thing and you didn't agree, and you freak out. And sometimes it's about zooming back out and just going, hey, do we have a similar life philosophy? You know, do. This is a person of good values. Let me honor and respect them. Even if I don't like that idea, I don't like that decision. Because think about how many bad ideas you've had. Who's had a bad idea in the last couple years? Any bad ideas? Could you imagine if every bad idea you had, somebody criticized you, disliked you, were mean to you? With every bad idea, it's just like, you'd be so squashed. So sometimes you can hear a bad idea, or you can hear what you believe to be a bad idea or decision, and you can choose not to squash them. That comes back to having a value ethic of caring for your partner. But I think it also reminds you of, like, oh, wait, there is a bigger value here. And our values are bigger than just our one belief, our one idea, our one decision. Now, I know some of you are like, hey, my partner is not the positive, encouraging role. Brendan, when are you going to talk about the jerks? When are you going to talk about when they're not as positive as I am? When are we going to have these conversations? When we need to develop the rhythms of our relationship? I can predict pretty simply how good your relationship is based on your rhythms. And here's the deal. Many of you, because you don't have this routine, you don't have the container for the conversation. Your rhythm in your relationship should be based around conversation. I don't care if that conversation happens when you go to breakfast on Wednesdays or you have your morning routine, or you work out in the evenings together or listen to podcasts together, or you go on a drive to talk or you lay on the couch to talk together. Whenever it is, I just need that rhythm to be built in. And whatever you do together, that creates that space or that container for the conversation. That's the rhythm. That's the most important. It's more important than anything else. I want you to hear this. It's more important than anything else you do in your relationship. If you want a passionate, intimate, sharing, positive relationship. But we live in a culture where you probably schedule more conversations on your Google Calendar with your clients or your team or your coworkers than you do with your spouse. It's not true for Everybody. But as I've worked with so many couples over so many years, I'm always astounded. I'm like, when do you actually talk? When do you have the conversation where you share? Hey, honey, what's coming up for you this week? What are you working on? What's important to you this week? What do you need help with this week? How's it been going this last week? What did we do well together? What did we not do well together? How could I support you more? What would have made this last week even better between us? Did you capture some of that? That's what I mean by a container of a conversation. I have that conversation with my wife every week. That way I know where we're at. So the conversation. And by the way, it doesn't matter if you caught all those questions I have. What are the questions you have with your partner? And when do you ask those questions? We need at least a weekly check in, don't we? A rhythm of a weekly check in. And so what's again, you can do it however you want to. I like to do it. Like, what's coming up this week? What's important for you? What are you trying to do? How can I help? Where do you need support? What are you excited about? And I like to do a review. Okay, what went well this last week? What didn't go well? What do you need? How could we better as a relationship? That conversation means I'm not dumb. Because usually I want you to know, left to my own devices, I'm dumb. The worst thing you can be in your relationship, in my personal opinion, and I know people won't like this word whenever I say it, I usually get in trouble. But listen, I think the worst thing you can be in your relationship is oblivious. And some of you have dated somebody or been in a relationship or your first marriage with somebody who. They were oblivious to what was important in your life. They were oblivious. They had no knowledge of what you were feeling. They had no knowledge of what you needed. And so even though you were in a relationship, you felt alone. Raise your hand if you've ever been there before. I've been there in a relationship before. And so when I got married, I thought, I never want that again. And you know what I had to do? Be honest. Do self assessment. I had to realize, I'm like, I actually didn't share it that much. I thought, well, she should know this, but should she really? If I didn't explicitly share it consistently, how would she know? She's got her own life, she's busy. She's got her own internal fears, doubts, worries, obligations. And so I really want to encourage you to make sure if you do anything from anything you heard today, I want you to hear me say this right now. The absolute mastery level. Biggest bonus. Best thing you will do is establish that rhythm of conversation in your marriage or in your partnership. Listen, you can do everything else, but without a consistent container of that conversation, which is basically saying, how are we doing together? And what are you doing this next week? And how can we do it together? How can I support you without that conversation? You're driving blind. You're in relationship with someone, but you have no idea what their reality is. And so it's. I want to let you know, when I. Everyone's like, what do you do with these billionaire clients? I'm like, the first things I do in their life is develop some simple structure, right? They're already good people. They're already successful, just like you are. It's just that they don't have the structure that would make the common sense, common practice. Of course, we should ask our partner, what's most important to you this upcoming week. What do you need help with? But see, we're so busy in our own life, we forget. And so from now on, we need this rhythm of that conversation. Some of you all have that conversation, you know, on Sunday before you begin the week. I know Some of you have that conversation on date night. Some of you have that conversation every morning as you walk the kids with the stroller. Some of you have that conversation after you pick up the kids. Some of you have that conversation, you know, once a quarter. I want you to have that conversation at least weekly every week. It's like a check in the Gottmans. Call it the state of the Union. Lots of researchers have it, you know, called something else. I've never seen a researcher who said that you shouldn't do it at least once a week, right? At least once a week to have that conversation. And when that other partner feels seen and heard, they know what's important, you know what they're feeling. And you have the candid conversation. Everything shifts. And I think that's what's important because, listen, vulnerability is so much easier to handle when there's familiarity. What do I mean with that? Some of you are waiting to have that tough conversation with your spouse. You've been waiting three years. You've been waiting three years. What if you'd had that conversation every single Sunday consistently? It wouldn't be so scary. That Person would have had more chances to adjust, to adapt, to deal, to be kind, to love, to share. But sometimes we leave them waiting. Sometimes we don't tell them this. And I've seen that the hardest things when I mediate couples, the hardest things is when there has been unspoken needs between them over a long period of time. Unspoken needs over a long period of time usually equates to bitterness. And remember, bitterness becomes a blockade to your intimacy and your passion. Well, he doesn't understand me. Okay, how often do you explain and share? And when you explain and share, are you debating, arguing, screaming, or are you having a sane cheerleading conversation between the two of you? It doesn't mean that conflict's not going to happen. I think it's important if you can do anything, structure that conversation. If I can give you a pro tip, do not have that conversation. I just shared what I just shared with you, the conversation, which is, again, looking backwards at the week. You might say, you know, what went well, what didn't go well, what would you have needed better? How could we have had a better relationship? Anything could have made it better. And looking forward, what's coming up for you? What's most important this week? What do you need help with? That conversation is awesome. Pro tip. I don't think you should have that conversation on date night. I think that conversation happens on the couch with some green tea. You both sit there with a journal and you have that conversation. And the conversation is explicitly to do that when you're on date night. That's fun, that's flirty. If you're walking with the kids and you, well, I'll have the conversation. When we're out walking with the kids and you're like, maybe some of the things you bring up might involve those little brats. So maybe, okay, just checking to see if you're here just having some fun. But maybe it's a relationship that's a conversation to have away from the kids. And so just having that conversation as a siloed conversation that you have that rhythm, that structure, I promise you'll be like, wow, why didn't we do this earlier? And if you can go into that conversation as a cheerleader, not a criticizer, as making change requests that are positive for both of you, I think you'll find that your spouse will end up liking it too, really like it too. If you can, after that conversation, if you work through the hard things and the conversation goes well, if you can have sex right after it, right after the conversation, I mean, that is like pavlovian. Dog training. I'm just telling you, if you'll have some sex after the conversation, if you can do that, it'll. It trains the other partner. I like that conversation. That triggers me to think about. I'm just, you know, just pro tips.