How Your CONGRUENCE Determines EVERYTHING You'll Ever Achieve

You're awesome for a week and then not so much for three weeks. Consistency matters in congruence. You're the only person who sets that standard for yourself when it comes to congruence. I want you to feel like you are living in alignment with your best self. Alignment with my best self. Consistent. Doesn't have to be perfect. When you stop trying to do hard things, you stop developing. We can just go, oh, there's a wall, I hit it. I've decided I'm not willing to try hard things anymore. I better try hard things. It's the great unlock. You go too many weeks and months playing a smaller game that you know you're built to build. You'll feel it. Now. I know some people say, but Brendan, that plays right into self esteem problems because you're setting unfair expectations. You're saying people have unlimited potential and then when they find out that's not tr, then they feel bad about themselves. I'm like, well, you define truth for me because I don't think you can and I can't. That truth rests on the person's shoulders. Your truth is your truth. You know what you're here for, you know what you're capable, you know, you know when you're dogging it, you know when you're playing in the minor leagues, but you have the capability to play in the big leagues of life. You know it. You know every person I've ever met in my life, and this is one of my mean questions as a high performance coach. I ask them to go, hey, how was the week? They tell me about the week, I'll go, was there any moment this week you were half assing it. Now apparently you're not supposed to say this anymore. I've been told everybody knows when they're half assing it in every area of their life. They know when it's not full expression or full authenticity or full truth or full kindness or full at bat. Everybody knows. I had a friend last week. You don't wanna be friends with me, Cause you call me friend, duh, duh, duh, duh duh. Things are going good. Friend of mine, tell me about their relationship. They're trying to better their marriage. Tell them. And they went on a date night and they kind of told me about the date night and they talked about all these games, their kids are in sports, so tell me all this stuff. And they kind of breezed by the date night thing. So I said, it's funny, when we were talking, you said the date night thing. You kind of Breezed by. Tell me about that. They kind of told me about it. Well, she is this and she is this. And that is this and this and this. And I said, interesting. I said, can I ask you a hard question? He goes, yeah. I said, were you half assing it on date night? He's like, what? I said, were you half assing it on date night? Did you show up on date night for your wife or not? He was like, oh, well, Brendan, I'm a hard friend because I measure the things. I just believe that when you engage something, things change. But see, we have a society that is so disengaged and has allowed people disengaged that we can talk next to each other and a person can be on their phone as we're talking. Fully disengaged from the conversation. That's totally allowable. Completely. Who has this in your household all the time? You're like, oh, my gosh, that would drive crazy. When that happens in your household, the household starts falling apart. We gotta be in a fully engaged environment to be happy. This is not my opinion. Study. One of my favorite books of all time, mahalichentmihalyi, one of the great positive psychologists in history, talks about the concept of flow. And you can't have flow without being fully engaged. You can't win on the sports field being half assed because everybody else there is being paid. They're engaged. You can't win in a marriage when you got one partner way more engaged than the other. Like, being fully engaged is important. Why does that matter when you're talking about congruence? Brennan? I thought congruence was just living in alignment with my values. I'm like, a lot of people live in alignment with their values and half ass. And that's when they half like themselves. See, the problem with congruence is it has to run pretty tight. What that means is you don't have an extreme level of flexibility when it comes to who we know we are. Meaning if one of your values is to be a kind, loving person and you're a jerk to somebody, you know right off the bat, you shouldn't have done that. It was a break. And it's got to run fairly tight for you to feel the best about yourself. It doesn't mean for you to feel perfect. No one's talking about perfection in this room. That's where a lot of people get off in their self esteem, where they start feeling bad. It's got to be perfect. I don't need to be perfect. I just need to be Aligned, it's going to be tight. It can be a little bit loose, but it's got to be a little bit tight in alignment and congruence of who I am. And consistency is where it matters. Congruence requires consistency. You can't be congruent with who you really are and get the benefits of valuing yourself and perceiving yourself well when you keep breaking your values week after week after week, when you keep doing things you know aren't adding to your life week after week after week. Because duration matters in self esteem, consistency matters in congruence. And you've all felt that before, you're awesome for a week and then not so much for three weeks. That week doesn't always carry the month. Self esteem is a very adaptive and flexible thing in real time. That's why I say congruence kind of gotta run tight. Cause you might not remember how great you were three months ago today. If you were a jerk to your spouse this morning, does that affect your self concept? Even if you took her to Greece this summer? Didn't happen to me. I'm just, I got points in Greece one John Gray fans know that joke one point days. So I want to let you know that congruence, it's a consistency thing, but it's an adaptive real time thing. You got to run it tight. I mean it's got to be there. You got to be congruent consistently. Because so often our self esteem is disheveled by the day's situations. So we got to be attentive and aware to who we are being. Right. It's easy to be incongruent. It's so easy for people these days to, to cheat, to steal, to lie. It's celebrated. It's something that's so part of our culture. We look the other way, we don't even notice it anymore. But there's a higher standard that only you get to give yourself for congruence. What I tell people is the problem with self esteem so often is no one expects anything from you in it. The problem with self esteem is no one expects any of it. No one checks in on it, no one cares about it. You're the only person who sets that standard for yourself when it comes to congruence. People will let you break it. And I know this cause some of you are people pleasers and you've let people in your life break their congruence and their word with you day after day, month after month, year after year. Who knows what I'm talking about. She raised her hand. Like, can I say that? I don't know if that was your husband. The hand started going up. Put that hand down. I don't know. Sometimes he asks me to raise my hand. It's not always good. Gotta listen. Congruence is so important. I want you to feel like you are living in alignment with your best self. Would you write that down? Alignment with my best self consistently. Alignment with my best self consistently. Doesn't have to be perfect, but alignment. Remember, it can be loose, but not too loose. You gotta play it tight. Alignment with my best self consistently. Cause who wants an extraordinary quality of life? Like, I want the ultra life, I want that extraordinary quality. I don't want a normal, mundane life. It doesn't mean I don't enjoy normal, mundane moments, but I want life to shine. I want life to be elevated. I want to experience the beauty and the gratitude and the fullness and the richness of what life really is. But I will never experience that. Even if I have all the stuff and the relationships, if I'm out of alignment with the best of who I know I can be. This is the stuff of self esteem. Third idea today, what we call the wall of willingness. The wall of willingness. So often when I coach somebody, I can hear how they value themselves based on how they dealt with the last hard thing. And if you're in a place where you're like, brandon, I'm hearing what you're saying today and this sounds good, but I don't like myself. I've made mistakes, I'm upset with something that's going on, I don't feel good. I wanna let you know that's normal. Don't hate on yourself for that. And could we look at the last couple hard things you dealt with and just ask, how did you talk to yourself and value yourself? Because what I've always found. And you check me on this. If you're not having a good day, you check me on this. If it's a bad year in business, you check me on this. If you're like, brennan, I've been through two and a half years of anxiety and hell. Let me tell you something, check me on this. Have the last couple hardships, struggles, crises, difficulties, bad times. Have all of that added up to today? You're less willing to take on hard things. That's the wall of willingness. People hit it and they hit it hard. They just. They wake up, Brennan, I hit a wall. I am no longer willing to try. I am no longer willing to push. I'm no longer willing to get better. I'm no longer willing to live in alignment. I'm no longer willing to struggle. It's like they hit this wall of willingness to do hard things. What if you study my work, we call honoring the struggle. See, we don't hit a wall. We just know the struggle is there. The struggle is always gonna be there. It's gonna be difficult. And instead of facing it as a wall, we just know it's the flow of life. Hard seasons, difficult seasons. The flow of life is gonna flow through your self esteem too. And instead of getting discouraged and mad at yourself and then hitting a wall of willingness to no longer be willing to try, if you hit that wall and you're no longer willing to try, two things happen in your psychology. First, you hit it and you say, I'm out. I'm not willing to try. I'm not engaging in hard things anymore. Two things that happen. One, you stop developing. And soon as you stop developing, your brain hits that thunderous question. You don't feel like you're bettering your life anymore. You feel worse. So it's kind of funny. It feels safe to stop trying to do hard things. And it's crazy dangerous because when you stop trying to do hard things, you stop developing. When you stop developing, your mind starts playing little tricks on you. First, as you stop developing, you know you're not getting better. So your self esteem lowers a bit, right? Self esteem goes down a little bit. There's no, look, I did that, I tried that. So there's a little bit of lower in self esteem. But then the brain plays a trick on you. You start getting discouraged, seeing everybody else still going. We're social beings. So you hit a wall of willingness. But other people are going through the wall. Other people are still on the road, they're going just fine. And you kind of, you're holding back, you stopped. And then the brain does this thing where it starts blaming other people and hating other people for their progress, creating social division. So now we're discouraged, we're not developing, and we're divided from others. This slippery slope, if you've heard me talk about it, all of a sudden, slip, slip, slip, slip. And that discouragement, lack of development, division of others leads into defeat. And when you feel defeated, that's not called self esteem. When you don't feel empowered, emboldened, strong, capable, loving, flowing, generous, kind, instead you feel defeated. You have to hear what I said today because we can boost that. We can change that by working it backwards. We can just go, oh, there's A wall. I hit it. I've decided I'm not willing to try hard things anymore. I better try hard things. It's the great unlock. It's moving out of that comfort zone that's actually defeat zone. Do you know how many people confuse the two things? There's a great confusion in the world between the defeat zone and the comfort zone. They're two very different things. One is very discouraging. One is homeostasis and authentic flow. Comfort. And the comfort zone is not a bad thing. I know everyone teaches the comfort zone is a terrible thing. I'm like, comfort zone's good. But if you're in a good place and you're in a vibe and you're flowing and it's smooth and it's just like, oh, that's a good place to be, that can be nice, right? It's all right. You don't. Self esteem isn't being heightened. And jumping out as a clown with a marching band 24 7, that's not self esteem. Right? That might be energy, but it's not the same thing. We shouldn't confuse those. You don't need to have heightened levels of energy, but what you do need to understand is when you're defeated versus being in comfort zone and people confuse him all the time, if you're defeated, you're unwilling to take on the hard things. And the first thing you gotta notice this in, you gotta know it in yourself. But for those I know a lot of you are leaders, influencers, teachers and motivators. The world right now feels very discouraged, very defeated. That's why we have this huge problem of disengagement at work. People are working from home remotely and they're not even engaged. They got all this set up. They got the little room, they got their little zoom background. They've done everything. They're not even logging in. In some countries and some companies and some teams, when you see a team lose and you watch them walk in the locker room and the defeat is hanging on them and they start blaming the other team and the other coach and the other players, it's like poison. It's just like the defeat, you just know, you can predict. Now they feel defeated. You can predict how they show up on the field. Well, how'd you finish your last Friday? Did you finish last Friday defeated or on an uptick? It really does matter. It really does matter. I want for all of my teams, I tell all of our high performance coaches. We certify high performance coaches. We got any CHPCs in this house. Hey, what's up, y'? All? It's one of the things I tell our CHPCs. And if you want to be a great leader, you have to hear this. If you're a good leader, you are paid to push. You're paid to push people beyond that wall of willingness. They might not want to go there, but when they do that breakthrough, that boost, that energy, that confidence, that momentum, that's irreplaceable, that is like fire. When you see someone go from defeated to breaking through that wall of willingness, and they try, and even if they fail, it's like they stand up and they're like, I tried, Mom. Look, they're fired up. And you keep that momentum as a leader. Trying, breaking through. Trying, breaking through. Trying breaking through. Willingness goes up. Self esteem goes up. Willingness goes up. Self esteem goes up. Willingness goes up. When you're completely unwilling, self esteem goes down. And you can feel this in every energy, not just your self esteem. You can feel this in social esteem of a marriage. When both people in a marriage have disengaged, Both people in a marriage have said, I'm out. I'm unwilling to try. You can feel the energy in that house. Don't go to them on Halloween. Cause they got no good candy. Like, I'm telling you, that is not the house you knock the door on. Like, see, the more people feel bad about themselves, the more they disengage from themselves and disengage from others, then they lack congruence because they're not being in full. Then they can't answer the question, am I feeling better? And it's like a death spiral. It's a loop for your mindset that just. You're like, I can't break it. Yes, you can. Be more willing, try again, push. Be more willing, try again, try again, push. Be more willing, try again, push. But, Brendan, that's exhausting. I'm like, welcome to life. When does that end? When you stop breathing. When does that end? It doesn't. It doesn't. I'm one of those guys. I actually think, in heaven there's gonna be hard work. I think I'm gonna get up there, God's gonna go, hey, I got some stuff for you to do. I'm like, oh, man. I thought the daiquiris. I thought the clouds and the daiquiris. He's gonna be like, bro, you got. So you got stuff to do. We got some work to do down there. Some people are struggling. I think the hard work doesn't end. You think the work is gonna be less in heaven. I think you're being called up. I think you're going from the minors to the majors. Ah. I think you didn't even know you're training goodness now to deploy it bigger later. That's my willingness. I'm getting good now so I can serve bigger later. That's my mentality, bettering myself so I can be of service. As we will talk about the willingness, get back in the fight. The willingness, get back on the dream. It's okay that sometimes you had a bad run. It's okay. Life sucks. Like I said, we're flowing through life. It's ups and downs. It's natural. You're dancing with it. But you got to get back in. You got to keep reinserting yourself. You have to assert yourself back into the flow of life. That's the willingness. Asserting yourself into the flow of life. Right. Sometimes you're going along with it, sometimes you're rowing. But you're in charge and you're in the boat. We have to remember willingness, willingness. I can predict your self esteem based on your willingness. It's so easy to do. And remember, self esteem isn't soft concept. It's how you value yourself, how you perceive yourself, how that manifests itself and how you show up in life so critical.