Mashup: 4 Ways to Get Over a Breakup

No matter what the previous chapter said. New chapter. So if you broke up with somebody or you've been broken up with, today is the day that you go, okay, who do I want to be now? Separate from that person or separate from that relationship? Like, what's like, the ideal me look like? Sound like, Talk like, work towards. How does the ideal me talk with other people? Relate with other people? How does the ideal me feel? Focus on getting things done. How does the ideal meet Move about in the world now in phase two? Because phase one, I learned, and that is so critical when you have a breakup. Learn, don't blame, don't be mad, don't try to get back, don't try to recover everything. It's like if the breakup is definitive and it is done, you must also learn to let go. I'm going to share with you four big ideas that can help you in dealing with a breakup. But also recognize that if that's where you're at, I'm sorry to hear that. I know how hard that is. Some of you guys know my origin story that got me into personal development in the first place was a breakup. You know, I broke up with the first woman I ever loved, and we were high school sweethearts. And that breakup sent me into a deep depression. It sent me into suicidal thoughts. And I don't know what would have happened to me if I hadn't been in a car accident that was unrelated. That helped me kind of like snap back into place. That helped me realize, no, I want to live my life. Because previous to that, when that relationship ended, because I had my whole identity tied up in that relationship, I thought I ended. I thought my life was over. So if you're somebody who somebody has told you will stop being so dramatic, or, you know, your friends tell you, just get over it. I'm not going to be that guy for you today who just makes it sound so easy. I understand those dark nights where you wonder who you are and what your life's about. That happens when you break up with somebody, especially somebody who maybe you cared for or they broke up with you. Either way, it doesn't feel good. Whether you did the breaking up. Sometimes that can feel really good. But there's still stuff there, you know? And if someone broke up with you, there's still stuff there, too. So I hope that in this discussion today, we can find something that will help. So I've got four big ideas for you. The first idea for you that really helped me is this philosophy called phase two philosophy. And what does that Mean, it means that you got to look at whatever has happened to you in the past, whether it's a. A sad thing, a failure thing, a breakup thing, a bad day, you got to say, okay, that was phase one. Now I'm in phase two. Phase one was all about experimenting, learning, developing. Now I'm on a phase two innovation. It's like giving yourself a mindset that says, everything that has happened to us, there was a reason if we don't know what it was, but at the end, there's a product. You, me, it's like, us, where we're at now, and now we have to start and go. Phase two. It's kind of like that philosophy you heard before, that. That metaphor of, like, a new chapter. That's what you have to think no matter what the previous chapter said. New chapter. So if you broke up with somebody or you've been broken up with, today is the day that you go, okay, who do I want to be now? Separate from that person or separate from that relationship? Like, what's like, the ideal me? Like, look like, sound like, talk, like, work towards. How does the ideal me talk with other people, relate with other people? How does the ideal me focus on getting things done? How does the ideal me move about in the world now in phase two? Because phase one, I learned, and that is so critical. When you have a breakup, learn, don't blame, don't be mad, don't try to get back, don't try to recover everything. It's like, if the breakup is definitive and it is done, you must also learn to let go. But you know what? It is impossible to let go unless you accept. Now you're in phase two. Because if you keep trying to stay and live in phase one, and every day you keep thinking about them and you're following them on social media, and you're still in phase one with your behaviors, you'll be miserable. So you got to let phase one go. Step into phase two by saying, okay, phase one was a learning. What did I learn about myself in that relationship? What would my better self do in the next relationship? What did I learn about people? And what did I learn about vulnerability? What did I learn about love? Because I've always learned, if you can have a learning mindset, recovery is easier if you can look back. Not to blame, not to complain, not to moan, not to be sad, but rather just to explore, to be today here in phase two, but to observe. Kind of like flipping back through a couple of the chapters and just kind of looking for a theme, looking For a learning. Oh, okay. That's good to know. Now, this new chapter goes this way. That's what phase two philosophy is all about. Learn. Got it. Here I am now. Make the product better. Make us better. Make each other grow. And I know that sounds weird to say product, but this is how we would think about this. As an example, if you're thinking about engineering or product development, and we're all humans in development, right? You're in now you 2.0 or 3.0 or 4.0. Like, you're in a new phase, baby. So if you can step into that new phase with a learning mindset, that will help. Second, you've got to be grateful for phase one. It's hard when you're hurt, when you're mad, when you're upset. All you want to do is hate that that phase one happened. Why did this happen to me? But I want you to be grateful for who you now know you need to become who you now know you need to become. Be grateful for that. Be grateful for the times you did have love be. Have plenty of nostalgia. Be thankful for those beautiful moments in life that this person gave you in the relationship without needing to cling and get it back so you can be free from something and appreciate it. Like, I had lots of things happen to me in, like, you know, 9th grade and 11th grade that were beautiful and great times with friends, but those friends aren't here in phase two. It doesn't mean that I don't appreciate those times with my friends. Same thing in relationships. You can still appreciate those things, but they're not here in phase two. And you're okay with that because you're just grateful for everything you've learned along the way. I know that sounds flippant to say, and you might be like, yeah, yeah, Brendan, I'm not grateful. I'm mad. I get that. But I'm here to tell you, your development will not proceed until you can see phase one through a learning mindset and a grateful mindset. Until you can do that, you won't live your life. You'll be stuck there. And so if you keep thinking about it, thinking about it, thinking about it, I'm like, great, think about it. But think about it for two things. Learning number one, think about it for gratitude number two. And number three, what will I do now? Who am I now? That's this phase two philosophy. You're starting a new phase of your life, babe. Second, big idea. I want you to pour yourself into your friendships and your passions. Pour yourself in to your friendships and your passions. When you're hurt and you're upset, you know what you want to do? Withdraw. You want to go hide in a cave. You want to isolate yourself. But what you don't need now is a great dose of loneliness, my friend. What you need now is social connection. Because in your relationship in phase one, you had a connection there, and it was a social connection. It was an intimate connection, but it was a social connection. You need a new social connection, and you don't need to go find a new person for that. You can still have connection with your friends. So go re engage your friends. Go out with your friends more than you used to be responsible. Go out with your friends more. Schedule more lunches, schedule more dinners. Schedule more walks with your girlfriends or your buddies. Like, get outdoors, be with your friends and schedule the time. Don't be like, I got nothing to do this weekend. Pick up the phone. Hey, Pete, do you want to go out? Hey, Sarah, should we meet up? Like, don't sit there and wait for them to come to you. Because remember, a funny thing happens when you're in breakup. Time slows down. And for you, the hours are torturous and the days are horrible. But for everybody else, they're just going through the day, waiting for the next time that they can go hang out. So their life is proceeding because when you're sad, time slows down and you really feel it. And I think biology and evolution gave us that so that we could be contemplative and so we can learn. But for you, time's going a little slower than your friends. So don't be mad if your friends aren't all pouring themselves into you. They don't know. They're just going about their day, right? Nothing changed for them. So you've got to be proactive in reaching out to your friends. Pour yourself into friendships. They'll help you not only feel good and laugh, and they'll give you that social connection feeling. Also. Pour yourself into your passions. Whatever you are curious about, I want you to dork about and go deep on. I mean, if you're curious about, you know, this type of movie and filming, or you're curious about this type of business, or you're curious about this topic. Go get the books, watch the videos on it, take a course on it. Like, deep dive into your passions. Like, dork out, like, obsess a little bit. Because that little bit of obsession about the things that you really love will also introduce that feeling of, like, passion and love that obviously you cannot Replace from a person or an intimate relationship. But listen, isn't it true we should all pour ourselves into our passions anyway, right? We all know that phrase, be passionate, live with passion. Well, do that. Don't allow yourself just to mope all day. Listen, I'm totally okay when you break up. If you have four or five days of nothing but a snot driven like Netflix binge, you know, chip eaten like bad food, bad drinks, bad everything for six days to mope and feel bad. Everyone's allowed that. But that can't be your life. So you've got to re engage your passions. And don't wait three months. Don't be, I'll do it a year from now when I feel better. Because you know what? You won't feel better. You are going to generate better feelings. You're not going to hope that one day you're happy. You got to start going generating happiness. If you heard me teach anytime. I always say the power plant does not have energy. It transforms energy from one quality to another. Higher quality of utilization. Meaning you got to take all that sadness and at some point you're going to have to transform it and start generating that energy into more positive things for yourself. I hope that makes sense. Number three, I want you to also do a deep dive into your personal development. Not just the things you're curious or interested about, not just your strengths and your passions. I want you to like do a deep dive into personal development. Go watch a bunch of videos on ted, listen to a bunch of the podcasts, read a bunch of personal development books, and don't be embarrassed by it. Because you know what? Self help is necessary right now. You need to do personal development like a pro. Like your personal and professional development is critical right now. Don't wander the woods of sadness for five years and wake up five years later and go, I'm not any better than I was five years ago. We've all been there and that sucks. Instead, architect the best. You use this breakup as a breaking point from your old ways of assuming your old ways of doing your own limited thinking and saying, you know what? I want to become a positive, optimistic, very mindful person. I want to be a person who's happy and joyous. And you're going to have to learn to deal with your thoughts in that. If you ever hear someone make fun of personal development, all they're not realizing that all personal and professional development is teaching you better ways to use your mind. And if they're making fun of that, let that be their things. You need to learn to use your mind better to become happier right now. Is there a better time to train than right now when you you had a breakup? On how to use your mind better? How to learn how to be more fulfilled and satisfied. Learn how to be happier and more positive. Learn how to control your thoughts, because otherwise, you know your thoughts can betray you. Your thoughts can start thinking about things that happened and who is blame? That's not good. So get into that personal development. Listen to the podcast, watch the videos, go to the bookstore, pick up three books today that are personal development. Even if you think the titles are cheesy, that's okay. You're probably sad. You're cheesy too. Right now you might be a cheesy metaphor of a breakup person on your couch and watching the Netflix and the chips in the bed. Like, hey, cheesy's okay right now. Allow yourself a little bit of cheesy personal development. It'll make you feel better. Clearly, if you're still watching me, I think you're just fine. Okay, last big idea, fourth big thing. You need to get some momentum, my friend. If you think about it, in any given relationship, there's compromise, there's give and take. And sometimes in your relationship, you prioritize a lot of other things, but not the projects or the passions or the goals that you had. You know, it's not that relationships slow us down. I am not saying that. What I am saying is, I bet if you think about it, there's a few things you've been waiting to do. And I feel like if you can just set three goals related to those things you've been waiting to do each day and just each day knock off those three goals or those three tasks, doesn't matter if they're big ones or little ones. Just in the morning, write down three things you're going to do that day and reliably do them every day. Do three things to move yourself forward. Because you know what? The heart loves just as much as love. The heart loves progress. And when you have progress in your life, your brain goes, ah, I'm doing okay here. I'm doing good here. We know that as you get more momentum and progress in your life, your self confidence goes up. As your self confidence goes up, so too does your social connection ability. You are more confident, you're more able to be interested in people again. And I think that's really important. As you get more momentum, you feel good about yourself, you're more willing to engage people. You got to make sure you're doing things that make you feel good about yourself again, and that requires daily tasks and goals that you do consistently. All right. I hope these four ideas helped you today, my friend. Again, if. If you are in a breakup and it's been hurtful and it's been sad and it's been challenging, I give you my heart right now. I understand that. I've been through that several times in my life. But I also want to let you know, in phase two or in phase three or phase four or five, upcoming for you, things will get better. You are stronger than you think, my friend, and the future still holds good things for you. So consider what I've shared today. Go put yourself out there. Keep living your life. Have that idealized version of you. You can choose to go through this in a way that is disempowering, or this is about to become the most empowering time of your life. We must learn to center ourselves amid the chaos, the stress, the struggle, the challenge, the bad day. We must, in the moment, be able to flip from anger to peace. In the moment, be able to flip from stress to clarity, to ease, to freedom. We must teach ourselves to center ourselves both when we don't need it and when we do need it. And I think that's what's really important. I think one of the greatest disciplines we can ever give ourselves is this topic of centering. And so we must actively train ourselves as if we were going to have 10 times the pressure on us as we seek to achieve our dreams. Because I'm sure many, I mean, how many of you guys feel like the next mountain you climb is going to demand so much more of you than the last one. Like many of you guys, you got your dreams and your eyes so set on huge ambitions, huge aspirations to provide for your family, to change the world, to do something significant and important. And when you've got that big dream way up there, trust me, it will demand more of you next time. So you must start training your mind now to deal with stress. Many of you, that means it is finally time to start learning meditation. It's like you've been thinking about it. You kind of meditate once in a while, and you've thought about it, or you did that one retreat one time, I'm like, make it a daily part of your life to center yourself every single day. For some of you, centering yourself, that just means closing your eyes, thinking about who you want to be, thinking about what's important, just calming your mind down. Other people, centerings like, like that can be just like, if you're super stressed, lay down, take a quick nap. For some of you that can mean like the important self talk. Some of you that means meditation. Like for me, if I don't center myself every day, twice a day, actively the next day, I know I'm going to get short with somebody, I'm going to let anxiousness get to me, I'll get my nerves, I'll get frustrated, I'll bow out, I'll quit. It's so clear, it's like super obvious to me that the days that I don't center end up in tomorrows that are chaotic. And so I just gotta make sure I take that time every day. That might mean you go take a 45 minute walk. Many of you guys know every single day. I walk outside every day. Rain, water, snow, sleet, I don't care. I will walk 30 to 45 minutes outside every day. I don't miss because that just being out in nature and breathing and feeling the wind on my face and the sun just calms me down, gets me grounded back into the earth and in nature it's like oh, okay, every day. So for what, 20 plus years I meditate at least once a day. I think for the last 14, maybe 11 years I meditated twice per day. Sometimes it's only five minutes both sessions, sometimes it's 10 minutes both sessions. And when I don't get that, I might, I might take like a 30 minute nap in the afternoon. At some point I'll sneak away. Even when I used to have a corporate job and work for somebody else, I'd go close the door in one of the rooms, one of the meeting conference rooms, I close my eyes for 20 minutes, I meditate, take a nap, lay on the floor, do whatever I have to do to recenter my mind. Your ability to deal with stress at this stage is dictating your ability to reach the next level. And so if you're somebody who's always dealing with that negative emotional range, nervousness, anxiousness, stress, depression, some of the big issues that came up today, make sure you seek support. Go see a professional, go see a therapist, go see a psychiatrist, go see whoever your doctor recommends you to to get support in that mental health department. For those of you who aren't dealing with clinical issues after those conversations, maybe it's time for you to finally do the things you know you need to do to calm yourself down, right? Don't look at so much social media every day because going into here is not centering you. This is Reaction mode. That's all this is. Reaction, reaction, reaction, reaction, reaction, reaction. And every one of these swipes is firing more chaos in your brain. Like literally it's hitting more dopamine and it feels reward, reward, reward, reward, reward. But your eyes are burning, your attention is burning. You're exhausted after not reinvigorated. We need reinvigorating activities for you each day. So what are some reinvigorating activities? Reinvigorating activities for me might always start with sleep. Always include meditation, always include a walk outside. For me, always include a cold shower. I know none of you, you gotta hate the idea of a cold shower. For me, I take Adaptogens. These are stress support supplements that help me just like, okay, more able to deal with the stress because my mind is a squirrel and it's crazy. So it centers me again. That's the same product. It's HPX optimized for me. Some of you might take supplements that you, maybe you take some like calming chamomile tea, right? That costs super cheap. Like whatever you need to do, you need a centering practice every day. Because the more you center yourself every day as a discipline, then in the moments that matter, the more you're able to lock it in. So a couple things you can do in moments that matter, right? When all of a sudden you feel yourself get angry, you feel yourself get freaked out, and that's about to win. The very first move you must do when you feel that coming on, when you're like getting whacked around and into chaos, the very first thing I want you to always remember do is center in on your breath. I want you soon you feel like angry, start taking deep breaths from the belly. And I want you to count those breaths 20 times. Just, just start like immediately start counting your breathing. If someone's hollering and screaming before you holler and scream back and react. Breathe. The best way to center the mind and the body is through deep breathing. There's literally thousands of years research behind this in terms of both the, the, the, the, the more anecdotal to what we now know in neuroscience, that deep breathing can deeply calm the mind and help you make better decisions. So just breathe. Just breathe. The first thing is breath awareness. Second thing is body awareness. Be attentive to when you feel like, how are you holding your body? A lot of people get really tense in their shoulders and their neck, which is cueing their brain to go, emergency, emergency, emergency. Get out, scream, holler, fight. And what I want you to do is first breathe that's breath awareness. Second, body awareness. Drop those shoulders, pull that chest out, elongate that neck, put your feet shoulder width, Just stand up. Like, just be tall and stand and breathe. That's huge. If you're alone and you're feeling these things or if it's proper. I mean, sometimes I do this with my wife and she's around, all of a sudden I start feeling anxious, upset or something. All a sudden of I will literally drop down in a downward dog. I will breathe, I will roll around on the floor. Like, I mean, I would just go. I'm telling you what, I will just start stretching myself out right as we're in a conflict. I know I'm a child. No. And she knows it's preaching because I'm calling myself down. Because for me, centering is a very physical thing. It really is. It's like it's a physical thing and that's so important for me. So breath awareness number one. And I really encourage you to set an intention to count. Don't just focus on your breath count. Breathe count, breathe count, breathe count. Second, make sure you use your body. Get body awareness. I really encourage you drop those shoulders, straighten your neck out, open up your body. It will give you more energy. And then third, what I really encourage you to do in centering, and this is really important as you're breathing out. When you're breathing in, a lot of people think of just breathing in. I want you to breathe out and. But imagine yourself breathing out and it's just dropping the energy and grounding the earth and pulling it up and grounding the earth like you're breathing out is just as important as an intention, as breathing in. And if you can get in that mode, you just start noticing, you feel better. And then that third piece, though, outside of the centering into the ground, the third thing is intention. Intention, intention. For me, I train myself on three words. I want to be. And I'll remind myself, just remind myself those three words. Remind myself those three words. Remiss myself those three words. Because it's easy for me to reactive and be responsive. Instead, I want to be intentional. So know those three words that really defined you and repeat those. Like, oftentimes when I'm. If you ever see me around and I'm like this, all I'm doing is I'm kind of rocking. I'm breathing in and out deeply. I'm getting attentive to my body and my posture and I'm repeating my three words just to reconnect. Because I do that every day in the moment of crisis. Because, see, moments of crisis, it feels like everything's out of control. But what can I control? Breath, body, awareness. What I say to myself, Breath, body and nerves. What I say to myself. I do that over and over and over again and it really helps me lock back in. I hope this supports some of you because emotionally, learning to be centered, emotionally will so support you as you go to change your life. Hey, my friends, it's Brendon Burchard. I hope you are having a spectacular day today. I am thrilled to be with you and to really discuss and dive deep into how do you have that comeback story in your life? If you've been down, you've been out, you've been frustrated, you've been challenged, people have been doubting you, you doubted yourself. You feel like you failed, you feel like you struggled, you feel like you're not breaking through or activating your full potential back. I am. Do not wait until X happens for you to start changing your behavior, changing your lifestyle, changing your habits, and starting this new chapter. Do not wait. Many of you are in a wait story. You're in a waiting pattern. I want you to think about this. You're like, oh, no, no, you know, soon as the kids leave, Brendan. Oh, once the kids leave. Yeah. Oh, then we can be happy. Once the kids leave, things will be good. We're just gonna wait. No, it's time to start living your life each day. You know, I had this friend of mine recently. It's kind of funny. Literally, person who's been, you know, someone I've been coaching at a high level for multiple years in our certified high performance coaching program. And this person literally said to me on a coaching call this last week, said, oh, yeah, Brendan, you know, I've been waiting to change my diet here. I'm going to do that, but I'm going to wait till after rehab. Literally said, I'm going to wait until after rehab. I'm like, what? No, but that's how. And you, I know you. I hope you think that's as funny as I do. But listen, it's just as silly for you to be telling yourself, well, I'll wait until I feel better one day. I'll wait until one day, you know, the kids leave. I'll wait until I'm rich. I'll wait until we get the new house. I'll wait until we start the new job. I'll wait until we move the new city. I'll wait until she finally says yes. I'll wait until he finally approves I'll wait until I finally feel like it. Do not wait until tomorrow is the beginning of the new chapter. Because the new chapter always begins with a new way of thinking, doesn't it? It starts with the new way of being in the world, new habits. And you don't have to wait for people to understand you. You don't have to wait for anybody to give you permission or approval. Like you have to accept. It's on you. That's where this begins. The comeback story happens when you go, it's on me. It's my choice. Here we go. Tomorrow I'm going to start speaking to myself in healthier ways. Tomorrow I'm going to start eating healthier. Tomorrow I'm going to start working out more. Tomorrow I'm going to protect my time more. Tomorrow I'm going to value my wellness more. Tomorrow I'm going to do my art more. Tomorrow I'm going to be happier and more connected. It's a choice. It's a choice for you. It's a choice for you. Got it? Like at some point you have to go, I don't have to wait anymore. Some of you are waiting until you earn something or you're certified at this or you get promoted to that. And what I'd love for you to do in your own honesty today is ask, where have you been waiting? Like, what's that thing you're like, well, I'll do that someday. Because listen, the more that you are waiting on, the more that restlessness inside is activating, the more that you're waiting on the things that you know you need to be or do or create or, or move towards, the more of those they stack up an internal dislike. You start feeling like your psychology goes, well, I want these things. I know they're important to me, but I'm not acting towards them. And what it does is it erodes your self trust. Do you know why so many people say in the chapters of Discouragement versus starting the comeback Story? Because they're still living in self distrust. And a lot of that self distrust isn't because they're a bad person. It's because there's a part of them that's waiting in their mind and their body in the background is saying, hey, Brendan, do these things. And my mind goes, I know those are good things and those are the right things. But I feel bad about myself today. So instead I'll go watch three seasons of something on Netflix. You know what it is? I know those are the right things to do. Or that's the right way for me to behave. But I'm going to wait until she's better. You know what? It is nice to be nice, but I'm not going to be nice because look at her behavior. So I'm going to be an ass just as long as she is. And your back of your mind goes, but that's not congruent with who you are. Why are you acting and behaving to somebody else's level and waiting to be your best self? The reason so many people live in the discouragement story versus the comeback story is because of self distrust. They're not doing now what they know they can, should they're not being now who they can and should they are not moving forward like they know their potential is capable of. And inside it's just like. It's like every single thing that you're waiting on that you know you should do is one more layer of distrust in your identity and you stack up enough waitings on somebody things they know they should do, waiting to live their life, waiting to speak well to themselves well, waiting to start the diet or the nutrition plan or the healthy activity and their brain starts distrusting themselves. Says, you know what? I can't count on you to do the things you know you should do. I hope you guys get what I'm talking about. It's a way of hurting ourselves is waiting. The longer you wait on the decisions or forging the character that you know you should do, the more hurtful it is to your character and your identity. Now, I know some of you come here for a lot more motivation than that, but I do believe that my role is your virtual coach is sometimes to have you look at yourself and be honest here. It's hard to start your comeback story if you can't trust yourself to wake up tomorrow and do the things you know that are right for your life. That means some of you, you've been waiting to have that difficult conversation with your spouse until never. Some of you've been waiting to ask for that thing you dream of at work until never. Some of you been waiting to start that business or that new book or that new endeavor until never. Now you tell yourself no until you know these things and what you're telling yourself is, I'm going to wait until all the perfect things completely line up. When it's all perfect, then I'll go. And your brain goes, you are so full of crap. You know you're waiting because you're scared or you're mad at yourself or you don't trust yourself. So what are you doing here, brain? You're lying to yourself. And then your heart, your spirit knows you can't trust yourself. And that's why you're not being more decisive in starting the new story, the new chapter. And listen, I know I'm teasing a little bit here today, and I try to poke fun a little bit, but I spend my life with people who are literally paying half a million dollars or more to work with me. And I cannot tell you how many times this is the issue for them. And you would think, oh, no, if they can afford that, they must not have this issue. I'm here to tell you, everyone has that issue. The people who I coach on the covers of magazines, my friends, they have this issue. When I was down and out and my worst of myself, I had that issue. I know you all have that issue. We all do things that create self distrust inside. And so do not wait. Do not wait until the perfect things. So what I'd love for you to do is you got a journal here today. And I hope you have a journal somewhere, a piece of paper napkin, you know, write it on the, write it on with lipstick on the floor if you have to, or wherever you got to put it. I don't care where you got to put it. Ladies and gentlemen, what I'd love for you to do is write out the do not wait list, right? Do not wait to say I love you to my spouse even though you might be in a fight. Do not wait to start writing that book until you're rich and you have all this time. Do not wait to create a better relationship with the kids until they're more mature. Do not wait. Like, have that do not wait list because it's, it's a hard one. And I know, I can see it like, you know, but write out that do not wait list. I was like, do not wait. And it could be simple things, dream things. I, I literally wrote one time, maybe a couple months ago. I wrote do not wait to move to the place that you would love to live and create every day. Now I'm in Puerto Rico. You know, do not wait to get yourself healthier just because, you know, you're busy. Do not wait. I'm just, I think a do not wait list can be really great. Really great, really great. Don't wait until everything's perfect, my friend. The new chapter that's today, Discouragement story. Comeback story. Comeback story starts with asking where have I been waiting? Because my body, my mind needs to trust itself. I need to Trust myself to take action towards the things that matter the most. That's principle number one. Principle number two, here we go. We've got to go from victim to role model. The biggest shift in many people's lives, the ultimate comeback story, begins with this one. It goes from, you know what? They took advantage of me. This wasn't fair. I don't like them. It was just, you know, terrible. And listen, I am not here to say that what you have been through in your life was not significant. Awful, tragic, hard. You know what? I hate when people do that. You know, they try to get. They try to say, oh, no, what you've been through, that's nothing. Because everyone else went through all these other things. No, I appreciate the perspective, but if you had a hard time in your life, you had a hard time, maybe you weren't equipped with the coping mechanisms to deal with it, or the maturity or the support. Maybe somebody really took advantage of you. I get that, trust me. But I'm here to say there is a mental shift that goes from victimhood to survivorship, but then to being a role model. The greatest comeback stories happen when someone goes, you know what? I need to overcome this because my kids are watching. I need to overcome this because my team's gonna see how I deal with this. I need to overcome this because everyone else is expecting me to blame, stop and freeze. And if I rise up, maybe I can be a story of inspiration for somebody else. Even if rising up is so friggin hard. You know, even if rising up is so hard, I know that rising up might inspire someone else. Because if you can't inspire yourself for yourself, some of you will do more for other people than you will do for yourselves. Isn't that true? Some of you will do more for yourself than other. For other people than you will do for yourself. So I always tell you, if you are down and out, that's why I always say, ask, who needs you on your A game each day? So card right next to my computer, who needs me on my A game today? Because I will do more for other people to serve other people than sometimes I will. I can be very like, believe it. People are like, wait, Brendan, did you just say he can be lazy? I'm like, I can totally be lazy. I'm from Montana. I can chill out on the mountain or on the lake or in the river with a fly pole all day, happily. All right, I'm good at chilling. But I also know that many people don't make a turn in their life. They don't realize that if they could overcome it, they can inspire people. You know, it was one of the things that kept me going when I had the brain injury. I. For those, I know we got a lot of new people here, but in 2011, I wrecked a four wheeler, an ATV, and I wrecked it in such a way that I really damaged my body. I mean, if you ever see this big scar on my hand that some of you guys have seen, I got, you know, got a big metal wrist going on right here like a bionic guy. I threw out my hip, dislocated my shoulder, cracked a couple ribs. Gosh. And ended up with a brain injury. And to me, as I was going through that, I was so cognizant of the fact I was like, you know what? Because there's so many days I couldn't control my emotions. I didn't have hope for the future. I couldn't even see the future anymore. My ability to look out far in the future was kind of gone. And it was like, oh, man, it sucked. It just. I mean, there were so many days I was super sad because my emotions were all over the place because the injury, it was just. It was an awful experience. But there weren't too many days that I lost perspective in such a way that I never really forgot that. You know what? Someday I'm gonna have to explain I had a brain injury, and I'm either going to go, gosh, I had it, and my life still sucks. I'm gonna say, you know what? I had it. And I did everything I could to come through even a physical limitation like that. And it's not in any way making myself, you know, the hero of the story. Because some of the people who inspire me the most. I have a friend who, you know, literally cannot walk. Lost use of both of his legs in war, and he's one of the champion wheelchair basketball player guys, right? And, you know, for years and years, he was miserable and sad and hated himself. And obviously, I mean, to lose the ability to walk, to become paralyzed. But he just said, you know what? I'm not going to be the person who goes through this and gives up on life. I'm going to get the training, the support, and do the work to try to lift myself into something, because that's choice. We get. We're going to give up and check out, or we're going to work hard and rise up that demarcation line. Discouragement, come back, give up, check out, or, like, engage, rise up. One thing we know from the world's Largest studies of high performers is they always say they're fully engaged in their experience. And I always love that. It's like, because we're either avoiding things or running from things, or we are engaging it and facing it head on. But what lifts us is when we can go, you know what? If I pull through this, man, it's going to be good story. If I pull through this, man, some people are going to see this and be inspired. If I pull through this, okay, something good is going to happen. I don't pretend that it's easy, but I do pretend to tell you that you got a choice. You're going to stay with this story where you're down and out, people took advantage of you, and you're going to relive this one and play it forever and relive those old chapters over and over, read them over and over and over and over and over again. Or you're going to start telling yourself a new story that you got an opportunity to rise and be the role model for someone who's going through the same thing. I'm not the only one who ever went through a brain injury. So I hope that my efforts to recover, to do the hard work over that two and a half year period can inspire. Some people say, hey, you know what? Maybe I don't just have to accept where my mind, body and brain are. I can rehab, I can change. And I've always been inspired by people who did that. I really do believe that. I really do believe that. I will also say that the role model mindset is integral to the highest level of success, not just the comeback story. Let's go to the end chapters, right? The very end chapters of life. When you look back at life, we know that high performers view themselves as role model. And if you view yourself as a role model, even if today you suck, but you start adopting the role model mindset. Like, how would I behave if I was a role model right now? What would I be saying to myself? How would I treat other people? What would I do if, even if, when you just are starting or you are down and out, you can step into the role model mindset, Step into the mindset that says the way I live my life can serve as an example. The way I live my life can serve as an example. The way I live my life can serve as an example. And if I can step into that, then maybe, then just maybe I'll work a little harder to change. Because you'll do more for other people that sometimes you'll do for Yourself reveal uncertainty. This one is the opposite dynamic of how I used to think of confidence, right? We think of confident people as people are just like, bum. You know, it's like Wonder Woman, right? Is confident. We think of Superman is confident who just knows everything, really what it turns out to be. High performers are a lot. Listen to this. High performers are a lot less Superman and a lot more Clark Kent. That's what it turned to be in all the research with millions of data points. In all of my conversations, high performers were much more likely to reveal things like, I don't know. Things like, I'm unsure. Things like, how do you think this should go? Things like, could you kind of help me with this? Like, high performers literally explicitly share that they don't know how it's going, they don't know how it's supposed to go, that they need some help, that they need some mentorship, that they need some guidance. That's confidence. Confidence is not holding back the deck of cards of your weaknesses. Confidence is a comfort with vulnerability. And when people say vulnerability, they often don't know what they mean. When we're talking about vulnerability specifically related to confidence and high performance, like measurable outcomes, the thing that we can measure and see is that high performers in group meetings, in team meetings, in social situations more often share their insecurity. They more often say, I don't know how this is supposed to go. Or they'll be the person at that fruit punch bowl who says, you know, I don't really know anybody here. I don't really know how to start to meet some of these people. Could you introduce me to somebody? And that's how they handle the social networking, where they're awkward. Instead of just sitting back at the punch bowl, drowning their sorrows and feeling bad about themselves, they engage the person next to them, say, hey, you know what? I feel kind of awkward here. I don't know a lot of people. Could you introduce me? That's how high performers are handling these little situations in life. They're not the most confident person in the meeting who goes, I know everything here. They're the most confident going, you know what? I don't know this. Here's my question. What do you guys think? And that is how you lead confidently. You reveal that you don't know everything. Saying, I don't know is power, not weakness. But you've been trying to do too many things on your own, and that's one reason you don't have the confidence you deserve at this stage of your life. Because, see I didn't want to start with my definition of confidence for you because I want you to be thinking about it. But I'd like to share it now that we've talked about defining and measuring it. The way I look at confidence is I think the confidence that matters the most is the confidence in one's belief in our ability to figure things out. That's what I believe confidence to be. Do I believe in my ability to figure things out? Not do I know things? Because it's not always true. There's a lot of things I don't know. But do I believe in my ability to figure things out? Now there I'm confident. Not because I'm smart, because I'm good at asking, I'm good at saying, you know what? I don't know how to do this. What do you guys think? And I hope this is settling in for you because sometimes your confidence is so low because you think your confidence is correlated with what you know versus what you're willing and able to go figure out by revealing that you don't know. Got it? Next big practice for you that will really help is small changes plus integration. This one comes from my wife, if you didn't know. My wife opened two exercise studios throughout her career. Very, very successful at it, ultimately sold them. And today, literally this morning in the car, I said, okay, I'm going to teach this thing on confidence. Like, what would you teach, honey? She's led lots of big teams and had an extraordinary quality of life. And I said, okay, well, tell me how. What would you say? She says, well, to gain confidence, people need to make small changes. Not always go for the biggest thing, but make small changes and see themselves making those changes and then integrate that into their identity. Integration, if you heard me talk about it, it's a big topic in high performance. It's one reason successful people often don't feel like successful people or successful people don't feel confident because they've never integrated the wins, the W I N S wins. They've had a lot of wins in their life, but they never stopped and said, wow, I really appreciate that I got a little better today. I really appreciate that I put myself out there. I'm proud of myself for trying here. You know what? I am a little stronger because I did that thing. To acknowledge that you've gained some strength is everything to confidence, isn't it? Write it down to acknowledge that you gained some strength. Look, if you had two kids and you survived, you've gained some strength, you get a little more Confidence in life, I mean, come on, what else do you have to be through if you've already made some money in your business? But it's always more, more, more, more, more, and you never stop to go, wow, I really came from nothing. I made some money here. And you never integrated the win in your identity. Your identity stays the same level over here, even though you've actually accomplished a lot over here. And I see that all the time. It's why I see people who are the same level of confidence in their 20s and 30s and now they're 50 and 60 leading other people, but they're completely wracked with insecurity every night they feel like crap. They don't know what they're doing. And I'm like, oh my gosh, you should have so much more confidence. You should feel good about yourself. Integrate some of these wins. So what small changes could you make in, let's say, the next 30 days that you could celebrate? Simple, small ones, like if you just did little things, like maybe, you know, you do five extra reps at the gym or you stay for 10 extra minutes, or at work, you decide you're going to share one new idea a week. You don't have to change the world. You don't have to innovate the world. You don't have to take us to Mars. You just say, okay, at work. I'm going to share one more idea every week at work and I'm going to celebrate that every time I do it each week. By the end of the week or by the end of the month. I've shared four brand new ideas. Those are small. That's small. You can do that small. It's one thing. Little things. So think about your health. What small wins could you have in your health? Maybe next time you go to the grocery store, you just don't get the bag of chips. And that's a small win for the day because that prevents you from eating the whole bag of chips tonight or tomorrow. Nothing against chips, so don't attack me in the But I think it's really important that you identify in your health, as a parent in your career. What are some small changes you can make? It doesn't have to be a big global brand change. It might be one more little thing that you do and then that one more little thing that's important for you to log it, recognize it and integrate it so that you're getting stronger. If you don't acknowledge it, you can't get stronger. Let's talk about this advice. You always hear about called celebrating the wins, right? It's about celebrating the small steps, the initial steps towards achieving your goals and why that's so important. But let's be honest, right off the bat, sometimes you don't do that. And you and I both know that there's so many days that you actually do a good job. You go out in the world, you knock off your to do lists, you do two or three things that stretch or push you. You add some creativity and flair to the world, and you feel like at the end of the day, you know what, I did a good job today. And you kind of like, maybe you have a glass of wine to celebrate or you eat your favorite food or you take a walk and you brag with your friends. Whatever it is for you, at the end of the day, you feel pretty good about yourself. But there's also plenty of days where you actually do the same thing, achieve those to dos, you know, make an impact, like do your thing. But then at the end of the day, you just go to bed and you don't really notice that you've achieved something. And here's what this is about and why this is so important. So many people deserve to feel so much better about themselves. They deserve to feel stronger and more capable and more confident, but they don't because they're waiting for the big huge win before they ever allow that win to be integrated in their identity, right? They might win a couple games, but they didn't win the championship. So they never let themselves feel like a winner, right? They do a good job, a couple days at work, but no one said great job and no one gave them a raise. And so they go home and they're like, they don't feel it because they're not allowing themselves to feel the wins. But we know from psychology and we know from goal attainment theory that unless you, you're starting with those small steps and giving yourself credit for them, the odds are you're not going to go on to the next steps that are bigger and bigger and bigger. Because your identity is still at the beginning stage, right? If you always feel like the beginner at something and you never feel the competency gains that comes from accomplishing and moving forward, but giving yourself credit for it, you're not likely to take on the bigger things in life. So check yourself on this one. When's the last time you really gave yourself credit? When's the last time you really celebrated? Just a small little thing. Did you tell your spouse about it? Did you write in journal about it? Did you put something up and frame it? Like, what did you do to celebrate that you were beginning? There's probably some part of your life right now you feel like it's in maybe, like, transition. You know, your career is changing, or you want it to change, or your relationships are in transition, or you're in transition of your health. You're trying to get healthier, Something's going on. And so those little steps you're taking, are you celebrating? Well, here's three ways that maybe will help you think through it and do it more often. Number one, you need to have what we call a reflection schedule. I know, stupid, fancy phrase, but you need to have a reflection schedule. If there is not a set time in the week that you sit down and you think about the wins that you had during the week, you won't do it. I mean, you'll be one of those people who, like, do it on December 31st when you're looking back at the whole year and you're like, what did I do this year? Oh, I can't really remember. Do I feel good about this year? I don't know. Right. You know what I'm talking about. So you need to have a weekly scheduled block time where you think about the week with the sole purpose of asking, what did I do well this week? What do I achieve this week? What. What went well this week? What good things happened that I didn't even anticipate? What good things did I do? How can I feel good about something that happened this week? What could I notice that happened that brought me joy or brought me fulfillment or brought me a sense of accomplishment or even just made me feel more connected? You need to have that weekly scheduled reflection time. I'll tell you, it's one of the most important parts of the confidence that I've gained in my own life. Because I wasn't a super confident kid. I kind of had to fake my way into it by, like, just revving myself up and doing a lot of things that, you know, personal, like, motivational. Guys talk about, like, rah rah stuff, but we. We all know that's like a band aid. At some point, we have to integrate our accomplishments and achievements into our identity if we're going to feel stronger. So when's your time going to be? For me, it's every Sunday night. Every Sunday night, I look back at the previous week and I ask myself about 10 questions very similar to what I asked you. You know, what happened that was great this week? How can I feel good about Something, what can I notice that I appreciated? What small step did I take that you know what, Maybe it didn't get a big win, or maybe it didn't get appreciated, but it moved me forward, even if it was just a little tiny thing, even it was just sending an email, even if it just making a call. What small steps did I make this week that are going to make me better next week? What small steps did I take this week that will help me continue climbing the mountain towards my highest ideals? What small steps did I take that I can celebrate? If I don't ask that question every Sunday, it just doesn't happen. So please start your reflection practice every week. That's my first idea. Second big idea. Allow yourself to actually feel. Feel the win. And I know it sounds like the first tip, but it's very different. A lot of people, they'll journal, they'll write down a list. Yeah, I did this. And the reflection schedule becomes like a to do list for them. Yep, I did it. I did, I did. Yep. And they just write down a list. Look, you have to relive it and feel it and integrate it if it's really going to generate confidence for you. So when you're doing your reflection schedule, or even at the end of each night, if you just want to sit there, close your eyes, think about something great you did that day, a small step you took that day, and then just allow that. Heartfelt that. That deep connection of satisfaction or engagement that comes with recognizing yourself. I know it sounds silly, but, you know, a lot of people, they take selfies all day, but they really don't know who they are. And that happens because they're not connecting with the feelings of life, Right? They're all surface level all the time. Quick, take picture, picture selfie, selfie, selfie. And they're demonstrating something in the world, but they really don't even. They don't even understand their internal world. And it's your time to get a better connection with your internal world. And one way to do that is allow yourself to feel those small little steps and wins. Like, literally feel it. Like, I know it sounds silly, but I'm so proud of the stupid things that I do. Even if it's a total disaster and people call me horrible names, I'll be like, but we did it. Little steps. And I'll allow myself to feel. I like, you've never met a kid who celebrates the dumbest little things like me, right? If you're ever around my wife or my family, we're so easily Amused. We take so much joy in the smallest, dumb little things. And I think that's what spurs on that curiosity and later, that confidence and in life. So allow yourself to really feel it, Connect with what you're doing again. Because a lot of people have a job they don't love, and they start disconnecting their feelings. A lot of people are in a relationship that maybe isn't as fulfilling as they had hoped to be at this stage of their life. So they disconnect. And we're so good, anytime a feeling comes up or we're unsure what to do, we turn to our phone so we can disconnect. Or we turn on Netflix so we can disconnect. Reaching that next level of enjoyment in life is re engaging, reconnecting, allowing the feeling to come back in again. And then I think my last big idea for you here on Celebrating the small wins so you grow stronger is to share them. I cannot believe how many people who are amazing, I'll meet somebody and I'll ask them five or six questions, and they're so not impressed with themselves, but they'll be like, yeah, I just surprised, you know, I just. Yeah, I just survived cancer or, yeah, you know, I just started my own business. And they don't think it's a big deal. I want you to learn to share what you're doing in your life with real enthusiasm. That's how you're really sharing the wins. That's how you're feeling the wins. That's how you're celebrating the wins. Share it with enthusiasm. Many of you know, I've been blessed to work with Paulo Coelho. He wrote the book called The Alchemist and 11 other international mega bestsellers. Right. I don't even know Paolo's. You know, over 20 million fans on Facebook. And just one of the great writers of our time, an extraordinary, extraordinary guy. I love him. And one of the things I remember him telling me on the phone was when I started working with him, he said, brennan, what I love about Americans and about the United States is you're allowed to celebrate those successes with other people and not look like you're bragging or overly proud. And I know that's not the same in cultures around the world, but cultures around the world need to catch up with that truth, that sometimes in sharing what we're doing with enthusiasm, we feel better about life. We feel more engaged with you. Look, if I can't celebrate my wins with you, if I have to, like, minimize myself around you all the time, that's not a real relationship. That's lying, right? If you're not telling other people what you're proud of in your life, what you've accomplished and what you've achieved, not so that you can brag, but to share your real life, then you're not playing the game of life really well. You're so scared of other people's judgments, and you're so scared that they're going to think you're something and you're minimizing yourself. You're never going to get far in life by minimizing yourself, right? Take pride and joy in what you've accomplished and achieved. Share with enthusiasm. I share the dumbest little things that I do with my audiences. You know, I'll be on stage, literally in front of thousands of people, and I'll say something on stage, and I thought that was so great. And I'll say, you know what? That was really great, right? And the audience is like, oh, yeah. And they get enthusiastic too, because I'm enthusiastic. Be more enthusiastic about your life. Share what you're doing. Share those to do lists you're checking off. Share those accomplishments and achievements, and you'll feel so much more connected with your life, which you deserve to be. I hope that helps you. Thinking about this topic, it's time to celebrate the small win. Set up your schedule. Remember to feel it and then to share it. And now, suddenly, celebrating those small wins becomes part of your practice. You feel your life turned back on, and you'll notice every single day that you're more likely to try the harder things because you celebrated the smaller things.