Mashup: How to Create Real and Lasting Happiness in Your Life

The most important thing you can do today, like, stop thinking that stuff will give you happiness. Stop thinking that you'll achieve something today that will give you happiness. The only thing that's going to give you happiness today, connection and appreciation. This is going to be a conversation about overall life happiness, not just like in the moment, you know, happiness. Because in the moment of happiness, I mean, we can all kind of get that bottle of wine, bag of chips, maybe just me. But I think, you know, finding pleasure or joy or in the moment happiness, we can get there. We'll talk about that a little bit. But I want to talk about the big picture. How do we know what will give you enduring happiness? Happiness that you'll self report throughout your lifespan that, yeah, I have a happy life. It's different than sometimes just in the moment happiness. It has to last longer. And so what psychologists have done is basically broken it up and said, you know, people who are happy over the long term, they tend to look at their lives in very specific ways, and here's how they tend to do it. They tend to break up their life. They look at their past, they're happy with their past, they're happy with their present, and they're happy with where they're going. So they kind of break it up into time zones, right? Past, present, present and future. And here's what we found in each of those areas. If you look at your past in this specific way, you'll be more happy. If you look at your present in the specific way, you'll be happier. And if you look at your future in the specific way, you'll be happier over the long term. So let's start with your past. Okay? Most people who are unhappy over the quality of their life over the long term, it's because something in the past, they're really hung up on it. They consistently battle it, blame it, are angry about it, are bitter against it. And those who are happy, they don't have that negative emotional range about their entire past. It's not to say that there might not be some things in the past that you can't be unhappy about or some things that happened that you were upset about because you know what happened to all of us. But those who make it out and have a joyful life, here's what they tend to do when they look to the past, the first thing they tend to do is accept it. They're like, the past is the past. It did pass, and here we are today. They don't make everything okay. They don't try to Validate it. They don't try to say, well, that was supposed to happen. They just go, I got it. The past happened. I have to accept what happened because I can't change it now. I can change how I perceive it, but things happened. I'm going to accept that the past happened for some type of reason, or if anything, maybe I don't ascribe a higher reason to it, but I'm going to say, in general, I'm good with the past. It happened. Today's a new day. And they accept the reality that that time period, that situation, that person, that thing that they didn't like, it's not here anymore. So they can't keep living there. They have to accept that today is today. All of that is gone. Today they can choose a different life, as we'll talk about. So they accept the past. But here's the thing. They go beyond just acceptance. And this is really important because I think people forget this all the time. It's not just about, like, accepting the past. Okay, that's fine. No, happy people, they generate memories of. Of fondness on a continual basis. They relive the past. Not the negative things, but the positive memories. They think about it, honey, you remember that one vacation we took and they talk about it today. Hey, do you remember when you were a kid and that funny thing happened? And they relive the positive. They have. Happy people have a sense of nostalgia about the positive things of the past. And they remember that. And their connection to that is, is more than towards the negative things. And so here's a question to see if you're happy with your family, with your friends, those around you. Are you often reliving positive memories? They tell positive, nostalgic stories about the past without apology. They're not living there. They're not trying to go back and relive the glory days. They're just honoring and appreciating that those days even happened for them. They have a deep sense of fondness and yes, gratitude to the beautiful moments and memories and people and experiences they got to have. And so I know that might sound almost too easy to say because, you know, maybe in the past you went through some traumatic stuff, some very difficult moments happened. But by and large, if you can finally get to a point where today you go, okay, I don't have to be cool with everything that happened, but I accept the past. I'm cool. It's over. I am cool today. And I like these little moments. And I'm going to choose to focus and remember those and bring them up to people, talk about those things, then I'll feel better about the past. And if you feel better about the past, you have a more solid foundation and a much easier time finding happiness today. Today. If you want to feel happy today, there's two things we know without question will get you to higher levels of happiness. Number one, connection. Connection, that is you deciding to connect to the moment. That means being present and connecting to other people. You know, they've done a lot of those and end of life studies to see what makes people happy. And you see over and over and over again, it's the quality of their relationships. And so if you want to be happy today, put more emotional connection into your relationships. And I say that not philosophically, I mean, like have that intention. Like, I'm going to put good energy into this relationship today. I'm going to put good energy into my kid today. Even if they were a jerk yesterday, I accept it. Kind of cute. Today I, I'm going to just put good energy, good vibes into this relationship today. Because if I do that, I'll feel better. If you're doing work and you don't even like the work, but at least you'll engage with it. You'll connect to the work. Like you'll force yourself to be there, be present, be in it. You'll feel happier. The second thing today that you can do so easy is increase your appreciation. Almost in every psychological study ever done, those who had more gratitude reported greater happiness. The way that you get gratitude is you appreciate things. So let's just jump right to that. Start appreciating things better. Appreciate your house today, you know, appreciate that maybe you got a car. Appreciate that you had somebody in the house with you today who loved you. Or appreciate the fact that you have opportunities that all around the world people would just beg for that billions of people don't have the opportunities that you do. I know we're all in a big rush. I'm guilty sometimes too of going through things as fast as I can because I got one thing that I got to go on, another thing, another thing. But you know what I found? I'm most unhappy in life when that's what I'm doing. I'm just going on one thing to the next thing, to next thing, to next thing and the next thing and not feeling what I'm doing, not really connecting it and not appreciating it like I'm right now. I shared with you earlier, as I'm filming this course, I'm writing a book. And there's days when I'm miserable about the book, and those days I'm miserable about the book are those days that I forget to connect with the material. And worse, I forget to appreciate the fact that I have the blessing to get to work on a book. I forget to appreciate how far I've come as a writer. I forget to appreciate the time that my team has set up to protect my ability to write. I forget to appreciate that God has given me a voice and I get to share that. And so I share with you that the most important thing you can do today, like, stop thinking that stuff will give you happiness. Stop thinking that you'll achieve something today that will give you happiness. The only thing that's going to give you happiness today, connection and appreciation. So connect to the moment, connect to other people by putting positive energy. Remember, bring the joy. And then appreciate the little things, all the little goofy things throughout the day. Appreciate the opportunities that you have. You'll start to feel much happier. I promise you. Those are easy, quick wins in the moment. And then what we know for people who have the highest ranking of happiness, they look to the future in a unique way. And there's two elements there that they're usually looking towards. One, they're enthusiastic about something in the future. They're not optimistic. Optimistic would mean, you know, I believe stuff in general from today will turn out well. I believe that tomorrow is going to be good. Happy people are enthusiastic about something specific tomorrow or in the future. Very specific. They like. They're enthusiastic about getting to do that project or complete that project. They're enthusiastic about that wedding coming up. They're enthusiastic about that thing going to come out. There's something they look for. It's very specific. It's not a general optimism, though, that also has been shown very, very high in correlation to happiness, one of the highest rankings, being optimistic, thinking things will turn out well. But really happy people, when they talk about the future, there's something specific they're excited about. So I ask you, what could you be excited about for tomorrow? What's hanging out there that you haven't allowed yourself to believe in and get stirred up about? Because, you know, we're so scared of being disappointed that we destroy our happiness. We say, I don't want to get enthusiastic because it might not go well. And so we cage ourselves into an unsatisfying life. If you want to be happy again, you have to open yourself again to the idea that things can be great. You got to open yourself again to that Hope that optimism. You got to open up yourself again to the possibility, yeah, you might be disappointed. But here's the thing I always tell people. What would you rather experience? A life in which you don't do anything and you never look forward to anything because you're scared of disappointment, which, by the way, means you are continually living in disappointment. Or you say, you know what? I look forward to that. I think that could happen. I'm going to go for it. You do take action. But at least if you do get disappointed, the whole time you are taking action, you are developing competency, knowledge, skill, ability, talent, mastery. So even if you got disappointed, you know what the disappointment came as? It came at the very end as a sudden surprise. I'd rather have disappointment come at the very end as a sudden surprise than every single day of fear and disappointment and living in that terror that I'm going to be disappointed and doing nothing with myself. Don't know about you, but that's how I feel. So first, enthusiasm for a situation, something specific. It's so important. And then that next part about looking to the future is they have a sense of positive legacy they have made up in their mind, and that's all they've done. They've made it up because you and I, we can't read the future. We have no idea. But they've made up in their mind this story about their life having meaning and specifically a legacy. They see looking into the future. They can see the legacy of their children. They can see the legacy of their business. They can see the legacy of the love that they created. They can see something. They can see that they are going to leave some type of mark or some type of relationship or some type of situation where the world is better because they tried, because they. They showed up. And maybe you don't know what your legacy is, but you know what? You're never gonna suddenly realize it's not just gonna happen. You have to make it up. So if you're not happy today, start making up stories about what you can be excited about tomorrow and about what mark you might leave. The difference you might leave. Even if you don't know exactly what it is. You don't have to have precision about these things. But in general, when you cast your eyes into the future, you go, mm, that's gonna be good. Hey, everybody, it's Brendon Burchard. Welcome to a special edition of Growth Day. I'm really excited to talk about this month's topic, which is how do you create remarkable and long lasting Friendships. And I'm talking about the kind of friendships that you love. The friendships that bring you alive, that bring you that connection, that help life feel more even meaningful, that help you progr and feel supported, help you be seen, help you feel a true connection with not just others, but with humanity. Because the people around you are awesome. And when the people around you are awesome, you know, you feel better about life. But we also went through this crazy last 18 months where so many people were isolated, where we had so much turmoil, so much conflict, so much in just uncertainty and fear in the world, where I really believe friendships really elevated. And you could see whether or not you had great friends throughout this pandemic or you didn't. You were able to see whether or not you got the support that you needed, whether or not you were able to maintain your sense of vibrancy in some of those times of aloneness, whether or not you had people who cheered you on when you decided to make a transition, start something new, or the kids left the house, or you got sick, or something was going on that was difficult in your life. We look to our friends and I think that this is a very undervalued conversation in mental health. So much about the mental health conversation is appropriately about self awareness, is it's about, you know, mindfulness, it's about taking care of our stressors. And a lot of it is that solo work that we all have to do for self mastery. But I can tell you that, you know, the great universities of the world, the psychology department is right near the sociology department because they go together like we are social beings. And when you lose that social connection with the world, which usually starts through lack of disciplined habits with your friends, then suddenly life loses its color. And I think this is so important. You're going to hear me talk about friendship today in a way you probably haven't heard before. Very much from what we would call a high performance psychology perspective. And I think you're going to love this. So if you've been struggling with friendships in your lifetime, not either having enough friends or not having the quality of friends that you've always wanted, this is a serious conversation today. I can't imagine a time, at least in my life so far, where friendships were so incredibly important, I get to share some of the things that really have worked, not just in my life and my friendships, but in studying this work deeply over the years, in recognizing how many people are entrepreneurs, high achievers, people who are trying to make great impact in the world. You're here today and, and sometimes that journey can feel very lonely. Or when you get to the top, it can feel lonely, they say. And I'm like, I kind of believe what my friend Brian Tracy and mentor said to me one time. He said, if it's lonely at the top, you did it wrong. I thought, woo, that's good, that's good. Because maybe sometimes we value today progress, we value today getting things done. We value that top mountain of achievement. And then we look around and go, oh, nobody really knows me. I don't feel a connection to others. Yeah, I got the thing, the house, the car, the bank account, the accolades, the Instagram page. And all of a sudden, though, something's missing. And friendship is one of the greatest vehicles to the real psychology of well being that we talk about here at Growth Day. And I'm going to share with you a secret today, just a simple phrase. You're going to go, oh my gosh, that's why my friendships aren't going right. So you're going to love this session. I say that triangle, right, of well being that we talk about Growth Day aliveness is one of the things we all want after you had everything else, right? Another thing we want is connection. We're not after casual friendships here today. We're at like, how do I create authentic, deep, trusting, vulnerable, fun, real relationships? Because how many of you have ever had friendships that turned out to be fake? You thought you had a good friendship and that thing turned out to be not so good or poisonous or, you know, somebody like, weren't. They weren't loyal to you as a friend or they lied to you or, you know, something went wrong, you thought, how could that happen in that relationship? And I always tell, like, friendships are a science of relationship, right? It's about how you create relationship with others. And I'm going to give you again a phrase that will really help you with this today. And then if it's true that we want aliveness and connection, this triangle, nothing that we want is meaning. Well, meaning isn't achieved just by living your purpose each day in your own head. Meaning is achieved through a social relationship network. My sense of meaning is, do I feel connected to the world? And the world isn't an abstract thing. It's not like I feel connected to the oak tree. It's like, no, I mean, did I feel, did you make your difference in the world that's going to be served and answered through your social impact, your relationships with others? And I have to tell you, I've been coaching people for 20 years. Of my life now. And a lot of people have one friend. You know, in the United States, unfortunately, the number of people with three, three good friends has declined over the decades. You're like three good friends. Oh, we got to talk about that. Because some people stumble into friendships or hope for friendships, just like some people hope to have a loving relationship, Just like some people hope to have a good job, Just like some people hope that, you know, they get healthier. And then there's strivers who take life a little bit by the reins and say, no, no, no, let me architect that, Let me build that. And I'll give you my own examples today of where I sucked at friendships and I had to learn. How do you do them and how do you create them? And once you know how to create and craft them, life really opens up for you, and it becomes not just more alive and connected, but more meaningful. Like, a sense of meaning happens when we have a tapestry of social relationships that are real and impactful. And then, of course, in the middle of that triangle, you always see me draw out growth. Your friends should be lifting you up, not pushing you down. Your friends should be inspiring you to get better. Your friends should have your back, but also be willing to challenge your face. You know what I'm saying? Like, your friends are, are, and should be one of your primary growth drivers in life. Most people choose ambitious goals to be their growth driver. Oh, I'm going to do something that's hard, or I'm going to try to achieve this amazing thing. I'm going to try to become a millionaire or make this difference or build this company or, you know, have this type of family, and it's this external climb, this thing they're trying to achieve, and too many people forget. It's like, actually, one of the best drivers of growth isn't your job, isn't your goals, it's your friendship circle. And when your friendship circles make you a more alive, deeper, caring, thoughtful, authentic person in the world, I'm telling you what. Guess what? At work, you're better. At home, you're better. Your art gets better, your sense of life lifts. Let me share with you what I really believe to be the two central problems of friendship. Okay, the two central problems of friendship. The first one is a failure of each of our own. I'm just taking this on myself as well. It's like we fail in life to realize most of our friendships were assigned not aligned. Most of our friendships were assigned not aligned. What I mean by that is many of our friendships happen because Group assignment, right? Think about it. Some of your best friends, where did you meet them? School, your neighborhood, some other affiliation, Maybe at work, maybe in a group that you joined. So it was like, oh, we showed up somewhere, or we were assigned somewhere and there was that girl who sat next to me in class. We became friends. Or, oh, I worked with this person at work. We were co workers, we became friends. And these are kind of like assigned friends. And I know that sounds really weird to say, so bear with me a little bit. I don't mean that the manager, like you're going to be friends here. What I mean is because of your group, your affiliation, or where you were, you kind of met people there. And by default, by you being a good person or communicating or doing stuff with them, you kind of became friends versus, that's like an assigned friend. It's like, oh, because we were here, we became friends versus an aligned friend, which is, oh, I'm an adult now. What are the types of friends that I want to create that align with my passion, my dreams, my lifestyle, my values, my beliefs, the things that I want of life and let me go get them, not let them fall into my lap, which brings up the second designation. And this is hard to say to people. And if you're in a place where you feel lonely in your life or you feel like you don't have great friendships, I promise this will be so helpful for you today to even know how your own brain thinks. And many of us, and I was this way probably all the way throughout high school, even I never. And this is the second problem of friendships. I never made the deliberate choice to have remarkable friendships. I kind of ended up with friends. Anyone know what I'm talking about? Who's like, ended up with friends if you kind of just ended up with like, this person? It was kind of my friend. One of my buddies goes. He goes, I don't want no rando friends. And it was like, random. Now, I love random. I love the universe, I love God, I love coincidence. Listen, I read the Celestine Prophecy. People are glowing out there for me. I believe in that coincidence stuff. But I can also share with you, like, if you just allow randomness in your life all the time, you'll always feel a sense of mediocrity too. We have to stretch. We have to choose our life. And to choose our life, we have to be deliberate and go, what kind of life do I want? I would like you to learn to architect your ideal friendships. And can you get all of them? And will all Your friendships be perfect. I'm not that guy. I'm not here to promise everything's going to be sweet and perfect and peaches in life. I am here to suggest though that if you haven't deliberately chosen the types of friendships that you want, that's a problem, especially if you're an adult. Right? And that's the thing is we're just, we're not encouraged to do that. Think about how much time people were feeding your ears with the idea you had to be really thoughtful about the career you choose. How many of you ever had more people tell you more times about be so thoughtful about the school you choose, the career you choose, but no one ever said as much because be very thoughtful about the friends and the friendships that you build. And that's why we have a lot of high achieving people who are lonely their whole life. Think about your career. What are you going to be one day? Very rarely. What's the type of social network you're going to build around you? What's the type of friendships you're going to architect? What are you going to be proud of in terms of your friends in the future? What do you want your friends to achieve? What do you want your friends to experience in life? Not just what they give you, but what are you going to give out too? What kind of friendship do you want to create and experience? How do you want your friends to actually interact with one another? Have you ever thought about that? We spend so much time. If you're a parent and you have two kids, you're so worried about how they interact, right? I know people who've never even thought, how do I want my friends to interact? I mean, they might think, you know what, we shouldn't put them in a room at a party because they have this history of that background. But very few people are like, I'm going to actually teach my friends how to be friends with one another. Now I know some of you might be like, this guy sounds like a control freak. I'm like, I am, but I'm a happy one. You know what I'm saying? I think this is such an important area to architect. Most friends have never talked about how to be friends. They just go, you want to go to lunch? They go to lunch. They talk about the weather, the waiter, the food, what's going on. They leave and there's no architecting. There's no, I think of like social systems are things that can be shaped. You all think like at work, right? How much we talk about at work, building a Culture. More books and more people have spent time on this conversation of building culture at work and never the culture of a friendship. Isn't that weird? I don't know where along the line we lost the conversation and the desire to choose to build awesome friendships. And a culture of friendship, meaning not just friends. Most people think of. I want a friend, right? When you're in high school, you just want a friend, right? You're just like, at least I was like, can I get one? You know, it's like you worry about having friendships when you grow up. And usually that means you think. And we're all trained this way. Especially in Western cultures. We're taught to have a friend, and we think in a very individualistic mode. I and this person are in relationship, and then you have another friend. I and this person are in relationship, and maybe you go out and you try to get them together and we have a party. But even at the party, it's individual nodes. Me, that friend, and this friend. And I don't get trained, as I'm getting older, to think as a systems social architect. Oh, wow, look at all these nodes, if you will, these friends. If I like each of these people and have relationship with each people, why don't in some way I weave them together and create a tapestry of friendship where I'm actually connecting the dots and creating a culture of friendship. See, we don't think like that, do we? I was a very, kind of solitary child. I was kind of in my own little world. I don't know about you all, but I was definitely, you know, much. I would be like an introverted kind of child. I kind of kept to myself. I like to play with my toys kind of by myself. In elementary school, from what I can remember, I was kind of solo. Brendan. I didn't see social systems right. I was in a class with kids and a teacher, and. And I had a relationship with the teacher, and I had a relationship with this person, that person or not. But I couldn't see the class. I couldn't say, oh, you know, like, this group is kind of like this. Instead, it was just like, she likes me or she doesn't. Teachers like that. I didn't see the system. Today I'd like you to try to see the system a little bit. See the system of the friendships you've built in your life. See the system at play, at work. See the system of your culture or your nonprofit or your company. When you can start seeing a bigger picture and get out of your head a little bit. Now, something Happens. There's connection, there's community. See, everyone says, I want community. I'm like, well, you can't be an individualistic person in the community forever. You have to elevate to seeing the system. You'll never be a community member or an effective one or a helpful one if you can't get out of your head. Well, I'm saying that not as judgment to you. That was me. So there's. There's no judgment here if you don't have friends. I'm like, I'm telling you my story, too. I was a solo person. I was in my own head. I couldn't see the class. I couldn't see the system. And so I felt apart. And because I felt apart and I couldn't see what was happening, and I didn't know how to engage. I was lonely. And then when I finally made a connection with a friend, that friend became my life. Later on, that perpetuated into, you know, some of you guys know my story of my first breakup with the. My. My high school sweetheart. I was destroyed because that was my one person, right? That was my one node in the world. And then when that relationship fell apart, I fell apart and became depressed and suicidal. And so how we relate with one or multiple people can completely shape our mental health. I know you already know that. And so I had to learn, like, wow, one. I don't want to ever be dependent on one friend. I want to build a support system. You ever heard that language before? No one says, go build a supporter. I want you to listen to the language of successful people. When successful people are speaking, they never tell you, go build a supporter. They say, go build what? A support system. A support network. Oh, I got to get out of single node thinking. A node is one individual unit. And I got to get into the system. I got to stop thinking, does Sally at the class next, does she like me? And if she likes me, my whole life is good or bad or ruined. And I got to go. There's a class here. There's an energy, a vibe, a spirit. There's rules and norms. There's a culture here that is happening. How do I want to participate in this? And how do I want this culture to happen, too? In ways that I can affect? What do they want? And we all have to start thinking about that more in a society in which we're supposedly connected, but we've actually become individual nodes in the network. Today we have a special session on the topic of improving your relationships. So if you are in an intimate relationship, you have a partner, you have a spouse, you have someone you're dating and you're trying to improve that or set that that relationship up for great success. This is the topic we're taking on today in Growth Day, one of our most requested topics because clearly we've all learned over the last year and throughout the pandemic how difficult it was to have great relationships. If suddenly now you're locked in the house with somebody or you had distance. How do you create a great relationship is something I think we all want. I'm always sharing with you all here in Growth Day that we all want greater aliveness. We all want more connection, we all want more meaningful pursuits and we all want more growth. And if you're going to grow in any area that brings you more vibrancy and fulfillment and life satisfaction over the long term, it is with your relationships. Now I've got a lot of fun to do today with you because in talking about relationships, I made sure not only to come at it, I'm going to share a couple different perspectives today. One, I'll definitely share the research, you know, if you know my work now, it's 25 years studying personal development in depth, including psychology, neuroscience, sociology, behavioral economics, the whole nine yards to understand what is it that helps people become higher performing and create greater well being and relationships. That's what I do. Right. So a lot of research I'll share with you here today, but also kind of a little bit magical. Hopefully I'll share my own personal perspectives in dating, in relationship, in marriage. I'll also share with you Denise's So for those who've been through Transformation Week or have ever taken some teaching and training from Denise and I, I asked her literally this morning for her list of most important practices that have kept us sane and happy for all these years. Going on 18 years. And just like anyone else, ups and downs, challenges in relationships, they are not easy. And so part of that is because you have a different perspective than your partner or your spouse. I also know with the worldwide community, some of you all aren't in a relationship right now. You just ended one and you're trying to debrief and learn and think of, okay, what's it going to be like next time? Or you're dating somebody right now and you're trying to see if you want to deepen that relationship or maybe they're not the person some of you are like, dude, I don't want a relationship right now, but I'd sure like to know this stuff to help My friends. So I'm always telling what to do over coffee. So wherever you're at, I'm going to make some assumptions today because this is a, this is literally a seminar on how to improve your intimate relationship. I'm going to use the terms partner or spouse a lot today. I'll kind of default to partner because maybe that partner is someone you're dating and you're deep in that relationship you're just starting. Or, or it might be a spouse that you're with and maybe you like them or you're trying to improve it. Wherever you're at, it's okay. I've had ups and downs in my relationships my whole life. I know it is not an easy thing. I'm not here to preach to you. I'm here to say this is such an important area of your life. Get this better and everything gets better. Right? You know that when your partner, your spouse, your significant other, when they are happy and fulfilled and you are happy and fulfilled, there's a greater flow and magic of energy and love between you. And so it's always about, okay, let me own my stuff and let me help this person in my relationship. Let me support them and cheer them on too. And so I'm going to share two different perspectives. I'm going to start with one that is kind of the double sided coin that makes relationships so hard and that is simple rules that you already know, right? And I hope today a lot of what I share is common sense. But we all know it's not always common practice and that's why so many relationships fall apart. So simple. One first double sided coin. We all know these two rules, right? One is put the relationship first. Right? We all heard that before. And this is Denise's. I'm going to combine two of hers together right here. One is put the relationship first. But the flip side of that coin is you must grow and be independent and be striving to be your best in and outside of the relationship. Otherwise, if you aren't growing, the relationship becomes stagnant. And so it's interesting, that's that interdependence, independence thing that makes all these relationships so dang hard, right? Is because, yes, you want to pour yourself into your partner and, and your spouse and support them and cheer them on and make decisions just for the relationship. And we all have the individual spirit that wants to manifest and reach our own full potential. And how do we do those two things in union and alignment. We're going to talk a lot about that today. Our first Teaching today is that simple understanding. There's two sides of a coin in a relationship. There's relationship first, and there is grow and reach your potential independently as well. That interdependence, independence, you must recognize the push and the pull of that and be attentive to that at all times to have a great relationship. I would argue that almost 90% of conflicts in relationships are actually not about who cleaned the kitchen. It's not about the finances or this kid didn't do that in the household. No, no. What it usually tends to be is a push and a pull between interdependence and independence, and the couple's not understanding that duality and not mitigating for that duality. And so one person's like, relationship first, we should do everything together. We should be on the same page. It should be perfect together. And relationship first also, though, means, hey, when you're making decisions about your life, make it please. In the context that we have chosen to live life together. Who's ever had a relationship where the person was completely oblivious to this idea of make the relationship first. Right. It was probably miserable for you. It was like, this person doesn't prioritize us. And I believe that one thing has really helped us, me and Denise in our relationship is honestly, she defaults to that. She is so good. And bringing me back to that, too, that it's about us. We plan together. We have to have the journey together. You know, don't just go do these things. Think about how does that impact us, our life, our family, and she's really just good at that. And I believe that's what has taught me to be a better man, I hope in the relationship. We've gotten, you know, more and more years into our relationship together. I think that that is really powerful. How do you put your relationship first? You always make decisions within the context. Realizing you're in a relationship together, like, obvious, right? And it doesn't mean you can't have independent decisions. It means those decisions still take place in understanding the effects and the consequences of your actions within the relationship. When we forget there's consequences of our actions within a relationship, the relationship inevitably becomes something separate than us. And when this relationship is separate than us, they feel a separatedness. And the more your partner feels a separateness in the relationship, the more that relationship struggles. This is why you hear people say all the time, make decisions together, plan together. Know what you're both working on together. That's the idea of relationship first. It's all right. I have a life Partner. That means I do life with my partner. So when I plan things in my life, I think about my partner. And that simple reminder, I know not all of you need, but you've been in relationships where that was not true. And if you have been, you know what I'm talking about, in that separateness, you don't feel like you really know the person or you feel like they don't value your opinion. You feel like they are living their own life and they don't care about you or the effect on your family. And so it's so important for us to always remember. All right. When I think about relationships, I always think about the coin. I call it the coin. Interdependence, independence, relationship first. Okay, got it. And the opposite side, which so many people naturally gravitate towards and know. Especially if you're in a growth day community like this, which is you must continue improving yourself and fulfilling yourself if that relationship is going to come into a true, deep, meaningful, fulfilling relationship. Right. If you're stagnant, don't get mad that the relationship is stagnant. If your partner is stagnant, meaning they're not growing, they're not stretching themselves, they're not trying to learn about their mindset or their effect of energy on other people or to become more productive towards meaningful pursuits that matter to them, well, then what happens? It's like you're growing and you're extending, but they are not. Who's ever been there? That's super hard. Now the challenge is you can. If relationship first is one side of that coin and growing is the other, and you happen to be the person on that coin, you're growing and you don't sense that they are because relationships are first. You also cannot be bitter towards them, hate them, be jaded about it. Because there's probably been points in your life where you weren't growing at your potential either. And what is the thing between, like, what is the material? I call it between the coin, interdependence and independence. What's the material? Right. If you have a penny, you know that the material is copper, right? In between. Right. What is the in between? Here's my philosophy. The in between, the stuff of the coin is called grace. Grace. If two people are going to come together and it's going to work out, there's got to be grace between them. Grace when you're growing and they're not. Grace when they're growing and you're not. Grace when they're struggling and you're doing great. Grace when you fall a little bit away from each other, and without that, it's really hard to keep that coin unified and valuable, if you will. And so I want to begin today with a simple idea. I know after teaching about relationships, literally for 15 years, and I've been blessed to coach some of the highest level couples in the business world and some of the highest level Olympic couples. I mean, I work with couples in every possible scenario that you can imagine, from new parents, to people who have chosen not to have children, to people who are just trying to finally create depth and meaningfulness in a new relationship. I can share with you 15 years of coaching. You have to imagine every conversation or every other conversation brings up a relationship that somebody is in. And what I have seen over and over and over again when either teaching or coaching on relationships is your or the listener or the student's immediate impulse to judge the other person. So as I'm teaching today, it's very easy. Ugh. My husband, he's like this. My wife, she's like that. And you're immediate, like, soon as I start teaching about something, you immediately cast the other person as the wrongdoer. And if we're going to explore relationships today, no, the material in between interdependence and independence is not wrongdoer. It's grace. If you want the relationship to improve, if you want the relationship to deepen, if you want that thing to feel better, no bitterness here, no judgment here. I always say judge less, feel better. Okay, let's not judge our partners or spouses here. Let's educate, let's learn. Let's explore how we think you can't control them. Maybe you're lucky and they're watching with you, and some of you are doing that, that's great. But if your partner or spouse isn't here with you right now, don't make this a judge session on them. Even if you're in turmoil, even if they feel separate, even if you're fighting, I want you instead to say, let me explore my relationships with openness and grace. Let me be accountable for my stuff, think through my stuff, and not make this a session of they're bad and they're the wrongdoer. Because I promise you, as soon as you make your partner or spouse the wrongdoer, life gets hard, that relationship struggles. And so I want to start with laying this idea onto you of the coin. Interdependence, independence, relationship first grow so you don't stagnate. And as you have that difficult duality, sometimes in between what Makes a relationship work is grace. That means understanding, compassion, forgiveness, openness to the other and their life amid your relationship. I hope that helps. That's the first idea. The coin. The coin, man, the coin. Second big idea. And this is what, you know, I'll come into this perspective of the first thing I would say to someone once they get that, which you always keep front of. Mind you, in a relationship, you are co creating the future together. When relationship gets difficult, what happens is we are judging the past or we are feeling upset about the current thing. And what happens is sometimes in relationships, they took the eye off the ball that, oh, we're building a life together. We are co creating a future in which we are both happy, fulfilled, cared for, loved, excited. It won't be perfect, but it will be better than today. That is what we are doing. We are building our ideal future today. Even when it sucked today, because the kids did this all over the house, this finance situation over here. And I am having this trouble and she doesn't understand or he doesn't understand. And you're in that place where they don't get it. Oh, my God. Okay, this is a time to reorient. Oh, right. I'm not here to be angry about the past. I'm not here to be, you know, upset about right now. It's like, oh, we're on a project together, building the future. You know, so funny how people sometimes have some complete behavior that is different at work than at home. And obviously these are two different things. But so many people, if they're at work and they're working on a project, they have to deliver something amazing to a client, right? They collaborate. If there's a problem, they solve it. They move on. And it's kind of like, solve, move on, solve, move on. Because what are we trying to do? We're trying to deliver this thing. You're trying to deliver a future for you and your family together. You're trying to co create something that is better and more beautiful than you could even imagine now. You know, I've been very lucky to do hospice work in my life and be with people and their families at the end of their lives. And you and I both know that in those moments towards the end, relationships really matter. And I've been with couples in those last days and moments. And the beauty of a couple that has built a good life together in those last moments, it's incomparable. The solace, the peace, the reverence for life that happens when a couple built a good life together and they get to be together or support each other in their last weeks or months or years of life. It's really an incredible sight to behold. It's very humbling. It's very humbling. It was always a reminder to me they built a good life. So at the end, they're handling this well. They feel fulfilled and grateful to have had each other. It's a beautiful. It's really. If you haven't been with people towards the end, it's super hard to explain because it's so magical. It's also so rare because very few people remember, oh, we're building this life together. You know, I've officiated some weddings with some friends and oh my gosh, I've been to so many weddings I can't even count. And I always try to think about the couple in the future. What are they going to be like? What do they desire? What's the win for them on either side of that coin? What does it look like in the future? Maybe today, if you've been struggling in a relationship or you came out of one and things just weren't good, maybe today is that day. You go into your journal and growth day and you actually spend 20 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour writing about what would be that future relationship that you want or you're willing to create with your partner, your spouse, or somebody new in the future. What does that look like? Because you're co creating the future together that's so powerful. I think of some of my favorite times in my relationship with Denise, and it would be times when we had separate careers, but we were on the same page because we're gonna go buy this dream house and she's gonna design it and I'm gonna do these parts and we're gonna take on this project together to move somewhere or to start this thing or to open this business or to try this new adventure. And it's like this future, maybe you have that in your own life, in your spouse, your partner. When you go on vacation and you plan the vacation a little bit together, then you both kind of get excited about it together. Because having a compelling future about your relationship, that opens the heart when you see nothing but a dead end and an awful day again tomorrow and the next day and the month after that. You and I both know how bad that feels. And so we must, no matter how difficult it is, reorient ourselves to an idyllic future together and do the hard work to get there. It's not just about co creating the future, though. My related point here is we're co creating the future and we are co creating energy together. One of my favorite questions in mediation. So mediation usually means in my world that there's two partners or two parties and they're fighting and they can't resolve their stuff. So I'm brought in to help them work through stuff, right. And I spent a lot of my college years and grad school years doing this. And so I would see all these examples of where people were really, they thought they were fighting about content, but the really issue was it was the process and the energy that they were fighting about. It wasn't about the kids or the finances or that thing she did or he did. It was really about the energy they were feeling then. So I would always love to ask them. Literally my first couple questions to a couple is tell me about the energy you two create together when you're alone, what's the energy of the house when you're on a trip? What's the energy between you when you're out with friends, what's the energy? And inevitably if the relationship. Listen to this so closely, if the relationship is in a tough place, one person is blaming the other for that energy, not realizing. In relationships, energy is co created.