Mashup: STOP Holding Yourself Back From Success

It's in thinking about it that we discover ourselves. It's in self reflection that we discover our future self. It's in self reflection that we discover our future self. This is the power of journaling. Hello my friends. I'm Brendon Burchard, host of the Brendon show and founder of growthday.com and I'm honored to be your high performance coach today. I believe that every day we can be inspired. We can live with intention and purpose. We can bring the joy and honor the struggles of each day to push ourselves to grow, to serve, to be a role model, to lead extraordinary lives. I believe that every day is a great day to grow. Your breakthrough awaits you@growthday.com now let's get to today's episode. My friends. Share this with three friends just like you who are committed to their personal growth and also be sure to tag me or DM me on Instagram Rendon Burchard so I can say hi. Thanks again for listening. Now, let's begin. Hey everybody, it's Brendon Burchard. And today I'm talking about the four dumb things we say that prevents our own personal growth and professional excellence. Look, we all have internal thoughts that sometimes slow us down. I'm sure you know that. Sometimes you have negative thinking. Sometimes you say things to yourself that justifies, you know, bad behavior or laziness or distraction. We all do. So there's no judgment to this. Except that, yes, it's kind of dumb. We say certain things that we just culturally get used to saying that we never really explore, and those things hurt our personal development. And so what I want to do is dig down into these four things we say because they're dumb. And I know once you hear a little logic behind them, you'll say, it's not worth saying that to myself anymore because it's not a true story and it's only holding you back. Okay? So first and foremost, before we go, I want you to think about a big dream of yours, something that you really care about, something you really want to make happen, or a goal that you also have had for a while and you've been trying to do it, but it's just not working out. Well, maybe you're telling yourself one of these four dumb things. Okay, here it is. I hear this one all the time, Brendan. I've tried everything. Whenever I hear that, I know I'm talking with a crazy person. I'm just teasing. Here's what I know. People often, when they hear a new idea or you say, hey, have you thought about chasing that dream or pursuing your goal? They say, yeah, yeah, yeah, I've tried everything. And because they tried 1, 2, 3, maybe 4 things they say didn't work for me, that's not right for me, that's not possible for me. And those aren't true stories. As a high performance coach, often when I sit down with people, I talk about their dreams. They often say this to me, well, Brendan, I've already tried everything. And so I say to them, oh, great, then show me the list. And they go, what do you mean? I say, show me the list. They say, what do you mean? I say, well, if you tried everything, then of course you would have had to keep a detailed list of what you tried, when you tried it, what results you got, what worked and what didn't work. If you didn't have a list like that, you couldn't ensure things that you know were, like, mutually exclusive. And if you couldn't tell things that were mutually exclusive, then you wouldn't know you tried everything. So have you ever told yourself that? I've already tried everything, didn't work. Think about how many times in your life you give up too soon. You're at like that 10 yard line, the touchdown's right there, but you're like, well, I've tried everything. I guess it's not working. You back off. You know, we know from the psychology of success, it's those who persevere longer than others and maintain more resiliency in the face of challenge that succeed more. So if you ever hear yourself saying, I tried everything, no, that's a big bad story you're telling yourself and say, no, I haven't tried everything. Let me get some advice. Let me ask some more people. Let me start keeping a trail of what I have tried so I can say, already did that, already did that, but I did this, but I didn't do it in that way. There's a lot of new things you can keep trying to, keep getting ahead. Don't give up on your goals and your dreams just because you tried four or five things. It's very true that often you're closer than you think, my friend. The second big thing, walk with me, is a big one, a huge one. And this one, people say to me all the time, sure, that works for him or that works for her, but that wouldn't work for me. Have you ever said that? Right? You have this big goal or your dream, you see your mentor, you see your dream, they're doing it, but you're like, oh, that wouldn't work for me because that's not my style. Or I'm not like that. Or she has this and he has that, and we false compare ourselves to others and we think they're so special. We still, in this culture today, we still pretend that there are some people who just have it and other people don't have it. Right? We think, oh, well, he's just naturally good at that. She's just born to be that. But in everything that we study, those who achieve high performance in their life, they trained, they conditioned, they practiced. They sucked at first, but they were okay with that. They were cool with not being good. And then they just kept getting better and better and better and better and better. And now you watch them today and you're like, oh, wow, I could never be like that. And. But the reality is you could. You just got to put in the miles. I shared that with you. Just knowing how I started my career, I used to say that too. I look at these people on television or these big YouTubers, I see these people, you know, on big stages motivating people, and I thought, well, I'm not like that. Because me, I'm more of an introverted person in general when I started this career. And I've had to learn to be more and more extroverted to be good at all of this. But I'd say, well, I'm not like that. And the reality was, I wasn't like that. But I had a mission and I had a dream. And you should never make your mission or your dream bow down to your current limited strengths. Instead, you should say, if that's what I want, how could I rise up into that? How could I train? What knowledge, skill, ability do I need to learn and start learning right now so that I can have that dream, my friend, because you deserve it. So stop telling yourself you can't have it. I get all the time. Well, sure, that works for Brendan on video. I'm like, what works for Brendan? Like, I came out of the womb like, hi, guys, I'm Ben Richard. Like, no, this took me forever. I'm doing this extemporaneous in our new office. I don't know how it's going to go either. I just trust in that process. And, you know, for me, my first video that I ever did was so horrible. Okay. My first year of videos, they were terrible. They were awful. They were uncomfortable. Some of you still don't even like what I'm doing now. That's fine. It's okay. I just Know that I'm always trying to get better and better and better and grow into the person who I know deserves that dream. Who earns that dream? No one you're looking to. None of your heroes just came out of the womb and by natural birthright or innate talent got there. They usually outworked their peers. They usually showed up more often. They usually were more strategic in getting a good peer group around them to support them, to champion on, to push them. Notice I didn't say they had a better peer group. They knew that was important, so they developed it. Because we often say, well, yeah, that strategy works for him because, you know, he's got a big community. Or that strategy works for her because, you know, she's charismatic. No, if there's a strategy, you can deploy it. You can work the same thing. Would you get the same results as someone who has 10 more years of experience as you? Probably not. They put on some more miles. But look, no matter how small, you start, start something that matters. It's the great Zig Ziglar who taught us, right? You don't have to be great to start, but you have to start to become great. Never look at people and say, well, sure, she can. I can't, because that's defeatist. It is wrong, and it is holding you back, my friend. Let's go on. I think this one is a huge one, and it kills people's lives all the time. The third big dumb thing people say is you just don't understand. And then they quit, just like that. When they say, I've tried everything, they quit. Well, she can do it. Sure, they quit. And then they say, well, they don't understand me. You don't understand me. And then they quit. Here's the thing. If you think people can't understand your journey, then your ego has gotten the best of you. And I do say that with all due respect, but, you know, there's 7 billion people alive on the planet right now. Somebody not only has gone through what you're going through, somebody is going through what you are going through. To have any imagination that people can't understand you is a false story. The ego says that I'm so special. And either I'm so special because I'm so great, or I'm so special because I'm so diminished and so hurt. And these stories are stories we tell ourselves, and it ends up dividing us from people. It builds a wall to protect ourselves because we don't want to be vulnerable, or we're bitter because we have tried to Communicate to people. But maybe our communication style wasn't so good. That was the case for me in college. Many of you know I was depressed and suicidal after the breakup of the first woman I ever loved. And I thought lots of people, I was like, they can't understand me. They've never had their heart broken like this. Not like this. And I told myself this story and I kept saying, well, they don't understand. So I wouldn't tell my friends because I thought, well, they haven't been through a breakup like this. So I didn't tell them. Everybody can understand a broken heart. I've had to sit down with parents who lost their children cancer and say to them, I understand this is difficult. And they'd say, well, you don't understand, Brenda. You don't have a child who's been lost to cancer. But we don't have to go through the exact same things to have human empathy and caring. See, by you not telling people what you really feel, what happens is they're not able to ask the questions to see what support you need. You're right. Maybe they can't help you, but they can understand and find someone who could help you. The more that you hold back, the more that you're going to be in trouble when it comes to personal growth in silence, that's where suffering is. Soon as you say they don't understand, that's when you stop communicating. That's when you stop trying. That's when you wave everybody away. Because you know what people say when you say you don't understand? You know what you're less likely to do? Raise your hand and ask for help. Because you go, well, they don't understand. So now you just carte blanche. No one can understand. I'm not going to try anymore. Screw them. They won't listen anyway. And you go in your little silo and all sudden you're not living life fully connected with other people who are the ones who could help you in the first place. Sometimes in our own belief that we're so special or so hurt or even so good or so skilled, and we think, well, they don't understand us. Whether you say that as a CEO, my team doesn't understand me, or you say it as a spouse, you know, well, my spouse doesn't understand me, or you say it to your family, my family doesn't understand me. That's just ego. Everybody can understand you now. You need to develop better communication style to help them understand. That's what I had to do after I realized that maybe People could understand my depression, my heartache. I realized, you know what, maybe I need to learn how to communicate in a different way so they could understand how what was going on in my life was really affecting me and so I could communicate in a better way what I needed for some help. That's all. Sometimes we just have to learn to communicate more what we're going through with people, to be more explicit, not drop hints, but just say, this is what I'm going through and this is what I need help on. And you know what, if you tell people that consistently, often enough with an open mindset, you'll find you get more help in the world. So here we are. Three things. So far, I've tried everything, Brendon. Sure. That doesn't that works for them, Brendon, but not for me. And you don't understand, Brendon, these things hurt your personal growth. And then there is one more big one. And this one, I hate it. All right, this is the one. I don't have many pet peeves in my entire life. I've been coaching professionally for 10 years now, and I've been deeply immersed in the research in psychology, personal development, neuroscience and behavioral economics and everything I can get my hand on to understand the human condition. This one, I'm not gonna lie. I can't understand it. I hate it when people say this to me and they say this all the time on my Facebook posts, on my YouTube thing. I have to go calm down because it's so obnoxious and I see it steal so many people's lives. Here's what they say, though. Brendon. Sure. Easier said than done. Perhaps the dumbest reason ever not to try something, Right? That's what people say. Easier said than done, sure. So I'll say something like, hey, you know what? Be more kind to your loved ones. And someone will post easier said than done. I'm like, so you're not going to try, right? Hey, you know what? Try to develop a morning routine where you take, you know, five minutes for yourself. Easier said than done. I have children. I'll say, hey, you know what? Try to set goals that are a little harder easier said than done. You know, people can be disappointed. Easier said than done is a defeatist statement. And it's also kind of dumb. And here's why I say it's dumb. Think about this. Easier said than done. What isn't easier said than done? Right? Everything is easier said than done. Gee, honey, I'm going to go get that ice cream in the fridge. Easier Said than done. That'd be accurate, right? I'm going to pick up that paperclip. Easier said than done. Everything is easier said than done. So it's a stupid, universal thing that we say, but we often stop after it, and that's what I don't want you to do. So with all these things in mind, I know I'm playing fun a little bit that, you know, these things are dumb, but here's what I'd like to share with you. If you're struggling and you're trying to get ahead, examine them. Do you ever find yourself saying, I've tried everything that works for her. You don't understand, or, easier said than done. Because what would happen in your life if you just flipped it around a little bit? What would happen instead of saying, I've tried everything you said, what else could I try that would help me feel fully engaged, more likely to progress? That's all. What else could I try that would help me be fully engaged and progress? What else? And start keeping that list? What if instead of saying, sure, she can do that works for her, but wouldn't work for me, what if instead you said, you know what? I see that working for somebody else, Let me try that and practice and get better and better and better and better. What if instead of saying, you don't understand, what if you said, hey, I'm struggling right now. I wonder if I could share with something. I'd love to see if you could understand or could give me some advice right now. And you entered the situation with humility. And what if instead of saying, that's easier said than done, you said, let me try that? Because I bet that might be effective. Look, we can all be pessimists in life. I mean, it's easy to be that today. There's a lot of negativity. There's a lot of just disturbing information out online. We see it every day. It's why I spend so much time and my team spends so much time delivering to you guys great personal development as much as we can. And I appreciate all of your support of my books, my online courses, our 5 million people here on Facebook, our unbelievable community on YouTube, our blog readers, everybody who sees us out at the seminars. Or maybe you'll see me out on tour one day this year. I'll be out on the road quite a bit. But we do all of that exactly to counter this negative thinking. So I'd love for you to just take a few moments, maybe tonight, and just ask yourself, are there some things I've been telling myself in my head that have been holding me back and what if I flip them? You know, often we'll say to ourselves, what if this negative thing happens? What if we asked what if this positive thing happens? I know that sounds so silly and you might be saying, well, Brennan, he just teaching positive thinking. But I would be honored if that's what you thought I was doing. I think, I don't know. How do you feel about it right now? I think the world needs a little bit of positive thinking. I think people need a little bit of that belief in themselves. I think they need to believe that they can keep at it, keep going. I think right now we all need a reminder sometimes. You know what? You're stronger than you think and the future holds good things for you. Hey, my friends, it's Brendon Burchard. I hope you are having a spectacular day today. I am thrilled to be with you and to really discuss and dive deep into how do you have that comeback story in your life? If you've been down, you've been out, you've been frustrated, you've been challenged, people have been doubting you, you doubted yourself. You feel like you failed, you feel like you struggle, you feel like you're not breaking through or activating your full potential, Bam. Do not wait until x happens for you to start changing your behavior, changing your lifestyle, changing your habits and starting this new chapter. Do not wait. Many of you are in a wait story. You're in a waiting pattern. I want you to think about this. You're like, oh, no, no. You know, soon as the kids leave, Brendan. Oh, once the kids leave. Yeah. Oh, then we can be happy. Once the kids leave, things will be good. We're just going to wait. No, it's time to start living your life each day. You know, I had this friend of mine recently. It's kind of funny. Literally, person who's been, you know, someone I've been coaching at a high level for multiple years in our certified high performance coaching program. And this person literally said to me on a coaching call this last week, said, oh, yeah, Brenda, you know, I've been waiting to change my diet here. I'm do that. But I'm going to wait till after rehab. Literally said, I'm going to wait until after rehab. I'm like, what? No, but that's how. And you all do. I know you. I hope you think that's as funny as I do. But. But listen, it's just as silly for you to be telling yourself, well, I'll Wait until I feel better one day. I'll wait until one day, you know, the kids leave. I'll wait until I'm rich. I'll wait until we get the new house. I'll wait until we start the new job. I'll wait until we move to the new city. I'll wait until she finally says yes. I'll wait until he finally approves. I'll wait until I finally feel like it. Do not wait until tomorrow is the beginning of the new chapter. Because the new chapter always begins with a new way of thinking, doesn't it? It starts with the new way of being in the world. New habits. And you don't have to wait for people to understand you. You don't have to wait for anybody to give you permission or approval. Like you have to accept. It's on you. That's where this begins. The comeback story happens when you go, it's on me. It's my choice. Here we go. Tomorrow I'm going to start speaking to myself in healthier ways. Tomorrow I'm going to start eating healthier. Tomorrow I'm going to start working out more. Tomorrow I'm going to protect my time more. Tomorrow I'm going to value my wellness more. Tomorrow I'm going to do my art more. Tomorrow I'm going to be happier and more connected. It's a choice. It's a choice for you. It's a choice for you. Got it? Like at some point you have to go, I don't have to wait anymore. Some of you are waiting until you earn something or you're certified at this or you get promoted to that. And what I'd love for you to do in your own honesty today is ask where have you been waiting? Like, what's that thing you're like, well, I'll do that someday. Because listen, the more that you are waiting on, the more that restlessness inside is activating, the more that you're waiting on the things that you know you need to be or do or create or move towards. The more of those they stack up. An internal dislike. You start feeling like your psychology goes, well, I want these things. I know they're important to me, but I'm not acting towards them. And what it does is it erodes your self trust. Do you know why so many people say in the chapters of discouragement versus starting the comeback story? Because they're still living in self distrust. And a lot of that self distrust isn't because they're a bad person. It's because there's a part of them that's waiting and their mind and their body in the background is saying, hey, Brendan, do these things. And my mind goes, I know those are good things and those are the right things, but I feel bad about myself today. So instead I'll go watch three seasons of something on Netflix. You know what it is, I know those are the right things to do or that's the right way for me to behave. But I'm going to wait until she's better. You know what? It is nice to be nice, but I'm not going to be nice because look at her behavior. So I'm going to be an ass just as long as she is. And your back of your mind goes, but that's not congruent with who you are. Why are you acting and behaving to somebody else's level and waiting to be your best self? The reason so many people live in the discouragement story versus the comeback story is because of self distrust. They're not doing now what they know they can, should, they're not being now who they can and should. They are not moving forward like they know their potential is capable of. And inside it's just like. It's like every single thing that you're waiting on that you know you should do is one more layer of distrust in your identity. And you stack up enough waitings on somebody things they know they should do, waiting to live their life, waiting to speak well to themselves. Well, waiting to start the diet or the nutrition plan or the healthy activity activities and their brain starts distrusting themselves as you know what, I can't count on you to do the things you know you should do. I hope you guys get what I'm talking about. It's a way of hurting ourselves is waiting. The longer you wait on the decisions or forging the character that you know you should do, the more hurtful it is to your character and your identity. Now, I know some of you come here for a lot more motivation than that. But I do believe that my role as your virtual coach is sometimes to have you look at yourself and be honest here. It's hard to start your comeback story if you can't trust yourself to wake up tomorrow and do the things you know that are right for your life. That means some of you, you've been waiting to have that difficult conversation with your spouse until never. Some of you've been waiting to ask for that thing you dream of at work until never. Some of you been waiting to start that business or that new book or that new endeavor until Never. Now you tell yourself no until you know these things. And what you're telling yourself is, I'm going to wait until all the perfect things completely line up. When it's all perfect, then I'll go. And your brain goes, you are so full of crap. You know, you're waiting because you're scared or you're mad at yourself, or you don't trust yourself. So what are you doing here, brain? You're lying to yourself. And then your heart, your spirit knows you can't trust yourself. And that's why you're not being more decisive in starting the new story in the new chapter. And listen, I know I'm teasing a little bit here today, and I try to poke fun a little bit, but I spend my life with people who are literally paying half a million dollars or more to work with me. And I cannot tell you how many times this is the issue for them. And you would think, oh, no, if they can afford that, they must not have this issue. I'm here to tell you, everyone has that issue. The people who I coach on the covers of magazines, my friends, they have this issue. When I was down and out and my worst of myself, I had that issue. I know you all have that issue. We all do things that create self distrust inside. And so do not wait. Do not wait until the perfect things. So what I'd love for you to do is you got a journal here today. And I hope you have a journal somewhere. A piece of paper napkin, you know, write it on the. Write it with lipstick on the floor if you have to, or wherever you got to put it. I don't care where you got to put it. Ladies and gentlemen, what I'd love for you to do is write out the do not wait list, right? Do not wait to say I love you to my spouse even though you might be in a fight. Do not wait to start writing that book until you're rich and you have all this time. Do not wait to create a better relationship with the kids until they're more mature. Do not wait. Like have that do not wait list because it's a hard one. And I know, I can see it like, you know, John Baptist is saying, oof, you know, And Kimberly saying, darn it, I can see you guys, I'm here with you, you know, but write out that do not wait. Listen, I was like, do not wait. And it could be simple things, dream things. I literally wrote one time, maybe a couple months ago, I wrote do not wait to move to the place that you would Love to live and create every day, you know, do not wait to get yourself healthier just because, you know, you're busy. Do not wait. I'm just. I think a do not wait list can be really great. Really great, really great. Don't wait until everything's perfect, my friend. The new chapter that's today, Discouragement story. Comeback story. Comeback story starts with asking, where have I been waiting? Because my body, my mind needs to trust itself. I need to trust myself to take action towards the things that matter the most. That's principle number one. Principle number two, here we go. We've got to go from victim to role model. The biggest shift in many people's lives, the ultimate comeback story, begins with this one. It goes from, you know what, they took advantage of me. This wasn't fair. I don't like them. It was just, you know, terrible. And listen, I am not here to say that what you have been through in your life was not significant, Awful, tragic, hard. You know what? I hate when people do that. You know, they try to get. They try to say, oh, no, what you've been through, that's nothing. Because everyone else went through all these other things. Now, I appreciate the perspective, but if you had a hard time in your life, you had a hard time, maybe you weren't equipped with the coping mechanisms to deal with it, or the maturity or the support. Maybe somebody really took advantage of you. I get that, trust me. But I'm here to say there is a mental shift that goes from victimhood to survivorship, but then to being a role model. The greatest comeback stories happen when someone goes, you know what? I need to overcome this because my kids are watching. I need to overcome this because my team's gonna see how I deal with this. I need to overcome this because everyone else is expecting me to blame, stop and freeze. And if I rise up, maybe I can be a story of inspiration for somebody else. Even if rising up is so friggin hard, you know, even if rising up is so hard, I know that rising up might inspire someone else. Because if you can't inspire yourself for yourself, some of you will do more for other people than you will do for yourselves. Isn't that true? Some of you will do more for yourself than other, for other people, than you will do for yourself. So I always tell you, if you are down and out. That's why I always say, ask, who needs you on your A game each day instead of a card right next to my computer, who needs me on my A game today? Because I will do More for other people to serve other people than sometimes I will. I can be very, like, believe it. People are like, wait, Brendan, did you just say he can be lazy? I'm like, I can totally be lazy. I'm from Montana. I can chill out on the mountain or on the lake or in the river with a fly pole all day, happily. All right. I'm good at chilling. But I also know that many people don't make a turn in their life. They don't realize that if they could overcome it, they can inspire people. You know, it was one of the things that kept me going when I had the brain injury. I know we got a lot of new people here, but in 2011, I wrecked a four wheeler, an ATV, and I wrecked it in such a way that I really damaged my body. I mean, if you ever see this big scar on my hand that some of you guys have seen, I got, you know, got a big metal wrist going on right here like a bionic guy. I threw out my hip, dislocated my shoulder, cracked a couple ribs. Gosh. And ended up with a brain injury. And to me, as I was going through that, I was so cognizant of the fact. I was like, you know what? Because there's so many days I couldn't control my emotions. I didn't have hope for the future. I couldn't even see the future anymore. My ability to look out far in the future was kind of gone. And it was like, oh, man, it sucked. It just. I mean, there were so many days I was super sad because my emotions were all over the place because the injury. It was just. It was an awful experience. But there weren't too many days that I lost perspective in such a way that I never really forgot that. You know what? Someday I'm going to have to explain I had a brain injury, and I'm either going to go, you know, go, gosh, I had it. And my life still sucks. I'm gonna say, you know what? I had it. And I did everything I could to come through even a physical limitation like that. And it's not in any way making myself, you know, the hero of the story, because some of the people who inspire me the most. I have a friend who, you know, literally cannot walk. Lost use of both of his legs in war, and he's one of the champion wheelchair basketball player guys, right? And, you know, for years and years, he was miserable and sad and hated himself. And obviously, I mean, to lose the ability to walk, to become paralyzed, but he just said, you know, What? I'm not going to be the person who goes through this and gives up on life. I'm going to get the training, the support and do the work to try to lift myself into something. Because it's choice we get. We're going to give up and check out or we're going to work hard and rise up that demarcation line, discouragement to come back, give up, check out, or like engage, rise up. One thing we know from the world's largest studies of high performers is they always say they're fully engaged in their experience. And I always love that. It's like, because we're either avoiding things or running from things, or we are engaging it and facing it head on. But what lifts us is when we can go, you know what? If I pull through this, man, it's going to be a good story. If I pull through this, man, some people are going to see this and be inspired. If I pull through this, okay, something good is going to happen. You know, I don't pretend that it's easy, but I do pretend to tell you that you got a choice. You're going to stay with this story where you're down and out, people took advantage of you, and you're going to relive this one and play it forever and relive those old chapters over and over, read them over and over and over and over and over again. Or you're going to start telling yourself a new story, that you got an opportunity to rise and be the role model for someone who's going through the same thing. I'm not the only one who ever went through a brain injury. So I hope that my efforts to recover, to do the hard work over that two and a half year period can inspire some people say, hey, you know what? Maybe I don't just have to accept where my mind, body and brain are. I can rehab, I can change. And I've always been inspired by people who did that. I really do believe that. I really do believe that. I will also say that the role model mindset is integral to the highest level of success, not just the comeback story. Let's go to the end chapters, right? The very end chapters of life. When you look back at life, we know that high performers view themselves as role model. And if you view yourself as a role model, even if today you suck, but you start adopting the role model mindset. Like, how would I behave if I was a role model right now? What would I be saying to myself? How would I treat other people? What would I do if Even if when you just are starting or you are down and out, you can step into the role model mindset. Step into the mindset that says the way I live my life can serve as an example. The way I live my life can serve as an example. The way I live my life can serve as an example. And if I can step into that, then maybe, then just maybe, I'll work a little harder to change. Because you'll do more for other people and sometimes you do for yourself. Hey, it's Brandon jumping back in here again. Are you looking to go to the next level in your life right now? The next level of joy, abundance, success? Then you already know that you need to journal about your lessons learned in your life. You got to track your moods and your habits. You have to learn from the best personal development coaches and teachers in the world. And you got to stay inspired and accountable so that you can be more focused, disciplined, joyous and keep growing. That's what the Growth Day app is going to help you to do, my friend. It's the world's first all in one personal development app. It has all of the tools you need, all the coaching and the community that you need to level up to progress every week, to track your breakthroughs and to keep growing in every area of your life consistently over the long term. So go start your transformation right now@growthday.com or just download the Growth Day app on your phone right now. Every day. You can keep improving every day. We are here for you. And every day is truly a great day to grow together. So let's make self improvement a way of life. Let's make that self improvement stick. Go to growthday.com right now. Ambition. Ambition. But too many of us back away from it. Cause it got made bad, right? I was scared to have ambition. Cause you know what, if you have ambition too big for your britches, people start insulting you. Who do you think you are? Oh, you think you can do that? You don't even have any skill at that. You think you can do that? You haven't even had their training. You don't have the degree. You don't have the experience. You don't have the background. You don't have the social following. You don't have the environment, you don't have the money. You don't have the bank account, you don't have the credit. You don't have. And people start puking on you when you share your big dream with them. You're like, hey look, no, listen, I'm trying to go up here, this is where I want to be. Right here. I got this dream. It's huge. I got this ambition, this dream, this hunger for more. And immediately people seek to see whether or not you are qualified. And they judge you based on your past of qualification versus your present of how you show up. I don't judge anybody on their past. Let me see how you show up right now. Because everybody in this room, how many of you all screwed up a bunch in your life? I mean, oh man, I'm such a screw up. It's so great. We're all screw ups in some ways or another. But how are you showing up now is the question. How hard are you willing to work now? What's the discipline you're willing to put in now? Yes, gain that knowledge, skill and ability. But your ambition, everything I do, everything you see me do at a public level, I had the ambition for a mission, but I didn't have the skills to do any of this. Everyone thought I was crazy. I'm gonna leave a safe job out of grad school. I got a safe corporate job. I wouldn't say a safe corporate job, but it was a good job and I liked it and it was a good job and it had a clear path to rising and I just didn't. I had something else I wanted to do. So I quit that job and everyone else said I was crazy. I wanted to go write books. I had never written books before. I didn't know how to do that. And then I decided my first major book was going to be a work of fiction, a book called Life's Golden Ticket. And I'd never written a parable before, but I remember reading the Alchemist and being so inspired by Paulo Coelho's the Alchemist. You all read that book. I hope you all read that. It's now the seventh most read book in the history of the world. It's unbelievable, right? So I. And the longest running book on the New York Times in history is now the Alchemist. And I remember reading that book and I thought I related with the storytelling in it. And I wanted to write life's golden ticket, but not tell my story, my accident, but rather tell the story of a character going through change. And I got this blessed meeting with a big famous author in San Francisco and I was so excited, I mean. Cause I'd been wanting to write. So I went and had this big meeting with this big fancy author. I wore a suit and I got all dressed up and I was so nervous. And I sat and I talked with this person, and he's hearing me describe very passionately why I want to write this book and what my life's message is about. Second chances. Because life's golden ticket is really a story about second chances. And so I want to tell a story about second chances. And I was so excited, and I'm telling him. He goes, so wait, this is your life's message? I go, yeah. And he says, you're really passionate. I go, yeah. And he goes, but you've never written fiction. I go, no. And he goes, brendan, I'll never forget. He goes, brendan, do not risk your life's message on your freshman effort at fiction. Fiction's hard. I admire that you want to write this book, and that's your dream, and that's your ambition, and that's your goal, but you don't know how to do that. Ambition's really hard. People go to writers conferences for their lives. They get creative writing degrees. Like he said, everyone in this building, I mean, we spent decades trying to figure out how to do fiction. And you're just gonna come and write this fiction book? I don't think that's a good idea. I think you need to write a nonfiction book. And what happens is, we have this big aspiration, but because we don't know the how, sometimes someone tells us, you don't know the how. So what do you do if you don't know the how? Yeah. You minimize it. You drop it back down to here, maybe. You drop it back down to here. Maybe it's like, here, it started up there, but you didn't know the how, and you let other people drop that down. So I listened to the guy. I said, okay, I guess you're right. It's true. It sounds logical to me. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, so maybe I shouldn't risk my life's effort. So then I spent two and a half years struggling in San Francisco trying to write life's golden ticket as a nonfiction book. And it just. It was like pulling teeth. I couldn't get it. You know, it wasn't working. And then it was so frustrating. And I was like, I need to figure this out. Because it was the time I was about to leave my job and everything, and I was putting everything at risk. I said, okay. The timing all turned out. Went back to my childhood home where I grew up. Tiny little home, tiny little bedroom, writing on my mom's sewing room table at the time to complete the book. And in 18 days, I said, you know what? I gotta Stop trying to write the book they told me to write and write this book that I feel like I should write. And I started all over from scratch. Complete scratch. 18 days. All I did, I got up, my mom made an amazing big breakfast. I'd eat a big old breakfast. And I'd write and I'd write and I'd write. My dad would come home from work, we'd go play racquetball. I'd come home and I write and write until it was so dark and my eyes hurt, it was so late. And I'd get up from my desk and I'd walk around my childhood neighborhood where I grew up and my school and my elementary school and the playgrounds we'd play in. And then I'd go back, go to bed. I'd get up and I did the same thing for 18 days. That's it. 18 days. And at the end of the 18 days, life's golden ticket was done. Submitted it to. Thank you. Thank you. It was 18 magical days. If you've ever read the book, there's a huge surprise at the end. I didn't even know that was coming. I did not see that coming. I mean, sure. So however shocked you felt, imagine me, I was writing the book. I was just typing along, watching. I'm like, oh, damn. I remember I finished. I'm watching the movie. I've finished the book. I'm like, whoa, can that even happen? And I literally got up and I was walking around the little desk, and I'm like, that character. Did I do this? I gotta. And I had to go for a walk just to think about if the book could even end. Cause I didn't know the book was about to end. It just ended with that scene. And I was like, oh, my gosh. So it was a huge surprise to me. And I knew it was magic. I knew it was magic. We put it out there. 21 publishers turned it down. 21. My agent still jokes to this day. He only told me about 19 of them turning it down. Cause he didn't think I could take the other few more that came in. Turned it down. Turned it down, turned it down. Finally, boom, HarperCollins gets it. An editor who happened to edit and publish another book called the Alchemist, fell in love with life's golden ticket and gave it a shot. We put it out there, and I got this dream to be this big author. I'm gonna go. We launched life's golden ticket. I have no idea, none, what I'm doing. Put the book out there. We Get a bunch of quick early hits. Because I had all these promotional partners in these nonprofits. We were donating money to who the book got out there. Boom. Charts on Amazon. Really great next week. No one's buying it. Totally. I mean, this ambition just keeps getting stomped down. No one likes your book. Big author says it's stupid. They're all turning it down. And it doesn't sell. Think about what that can do to your psychology. Think about me now, saying I'm a writer after the book doesn't do well, after everyone turns it down, after they say, don't do it. Think about that, how, where that could have directed me. But your ambition is your own. And your ambition has to be free from all of that negativity. If that's a real ambition, you gotta own that ambition. Psychologically. I was a writer. I said I was a writer. I said I was a writer. On days I didn't write, I said I was a writer. On the days they all turned me down, I said I was a writer. When that guy who was a big name fancy writer, who'd been on all the big shows, including Oprah, told me I was kind of crazy. And I walked out of his office all dejected. I was still a writer. Sometimes what really gives us the greatest amount of motivation is when we got the guts to actually allow ourselves to tie some of our identity to what we're doing. And we're told not to do that because it can bring discouragement and heartache. But the counterintuitive things is high performers to a t. The top 15% who I interviewed, they said, oh, no. They were comfortable tying up their identity in what they were doing. They were comfortable. It didn't mean it always turned out great. It didn't mean they always felt great. But they were comfortable owning it, right? They were comfortable owning what they were doing. They owned that. And because they owned it, the motivation was there. Cause you know when the motivation isn't there is when your ambitions are half ass. When you kind of want it, you kind of don't. And that's why you kind of work for it sometimes. And sometimes you kind of don't. Because psychologically, you haven't allowed yourself to own the ambition to feel inside and say, that's part of me. I'm gonna make that happen come hell or high water. I didn't care. The first book, I said, name me the next book, Name the next book, name the next book. Didn't matter to me. I was gonna keep on that ambition. Cause it was important. To me, you've got ambitions important to you and your family and the people you're serving. And it doesn't matter what I say or the person to your left or right says, if you own that ambition, you. You pursue it and you pursue it with full heart. And when you pursue it with more heart, that ambition that keeps sparking over and over and over, you don't have to rev yourself up because it is you. This is going to be one of those sessions where you go, got it. That the reason we do personal development, it's ultimately all about new ways of accessing self awareness, Isn't it? That when we hear new ideas in personal development, maybe just a slight, like a slight change in how we think about something or how we think about ourselves, life can change. Just one little subtle shift in how we think about a topic, in how we approach something in our life. Those subtle shifts can make a big difference. And this topic today is that we're talking about setting boundaries. I'm going to talk about how to think about this topic of boundaries. So we're going to be talking about on boundaries all day long. And I think you're going to be really amazed in the simple hour of how much you're going to cover and learn today in your own self awareness. In a way, you probably haven't thought about boundaries before because what most people do when I say, you know, the topic of setting boundaries, they immediately think of like I need to set boundaries with my family, I need to set boundaries with this jerk in my life. I need to set boundaries with. By the way, we'll talk about those things, but I'm going to elevate the conversation for you, if you'll forgive me. Go a little more advanced on this topic because I think that's the power of growth day. It's not only just hearing the common sense things, but maybe hearing a little more advanced approach to these topics. And I think that is the promise of today. So thank you for being here. Let's do some personal development work. We are talking about boundaries today and here is how I am going to start with this. The most important boundaries you are ever going to set in your life are with yourself and what is acceptable with who you are. What is acceptable in how you conduct yourself. A boundary between the good self and the not so good self. A boundary between the higher level of who you are versus the lower impulses. A boundary in your own sense of what is right and wrong and what you allow yourself. In other words, we're going to go into the conversation of standards that we allow in ourselves and in our lives. And I think when you think about a boundary, not just something between you and another person, but in your own mindset about what is allowed or not allowed. I think this could be a game changing conversation today and I'm going to jump right into it because I don't want to speak conceptually for you here. So let me talk about some important boundaries in your life. I'll talk about three huge internal boundaries. Then we'll talk about the standards that we allow in our life that may be really hurting us or accelerating us. First one, I think you guys are going to love this. The boundary of the fake self versus the real self. See this boundary and what you allow here and how you conduct yourself here. It matters, doesn't it? When I talk about setting boundaries, very few people ever think about this one. Because when we talk about setting boundaries, we often feel victim to something. We feel like, oh well, someone's encroaching on my boundaries. We'll talk about that. But this is the one that causes the real damage. When we blur the lines between who we authentically really are and how we are showing up to please or placate others, to minimize ourselves. That's the boundary. How much do you cross this boundary? You want to talk about the quality of your life? How much do you cross this boundary right here? Think about this. How much, how often do you cross this boundary that can be the game changer in your life today when you become aware of these two selves that we all have. The authentic, the real, the vibrant self versus the face, the facade, the person we try to be for others. It's not really us. When we step outside of ourselves into a Persona of somebody else to please others, to fit in, to belong, to get love. This is the ultimate boundary that breaks our own integrity. This is the boundary that makes us miserable. And you have to decide at some point in your personal development that you don't cross this boundary as much anymore and that someday not at all. And that is the ultimate work of personal development, isn't it? How easy it is to glide into conformity, to go from who we really are to suddenly acting out of character. I really believe breaking this boundary leads to most of the long term miseries in our life. Let me say it again. Breaking this boundary leads to most of the long term miseries in our life when we aren't honest about our real thoughts, feelings, desires, dreams, hopes, aspirations. And instead we show up just to please others and to fit in we minimize ourselves. We enlarge the falsehoods in our life. And see, there is this thing of a boundary, right? There's a boundary between true and false, fake and real, authentic and inauthentic. I know we all might use different languages. I'm very aware that this is an international audience. I just think you've got to figure that out and get highly attuned to when that is happening. When people talk about mindfulness, they're often talking about, ooh, look at the flowers over there, let me notice the sensations in my body. When they talk about mindfulness, they often think of, let me just drink in this moment. But the most critical and important part of mindfulness is to know who you are and who you are being in any given moment. Because I know a lot of people, they can appreciate the flowers all day long, but they're miserable because they're not being themselves. Listen, write this down. Boundaries are all about identity. Boundaries. The most important boundary you will ever set in your life is who are you, what's in that circle of who you are and what's outside of that. Who are you? Who are you not? In other words, just bringing back my little picture here. The fake self versus the real self. That's the ultimate boundary to be mindful of when I cross that. Oh, it's so important. I know a lot of you out there. You're influencers, you're creators, your leaders, your caregivers. And you can recognize how often you have to step into a role. Maybe you don't want to be in, or maybe you're in a situation where you have to hold back a little of your own truth for decorum. You have to put on a shiny space and not freak out on your child. You have to calm yourself down because you want to scream at somebody. That is self regulation. That is okay. That is allowed. We have to do those things. What we are talking about is an enduring sense and enduring recognition or mindfulness of how often we are crossing these boundaries. This is a conversation of frequency, isn't it? Because sometimes we have to do a certain behavior that's appropriate. We're going to talk about that later. Right now I want to shift your whole brain. Oh, my God. Setting boundaries in my life is all about who am I, who am I really and am I showing up as that consistently with intention, with joy, with flow. That is the thing we were actually talking about. Not just boundaries, about, you know, what you'll allow on your plate from others. It's about who you are. The more Often you break this boundary, the more miserable you are. I really want you to capture that. I know you are coming. Like, geez, Brendan, thanks for the personal development today. Can we get some dancing bears and balloons? Make this a little more entertaining. Dude, this is a little hard, but this is why you might be miserable. And I don't say that in any judgmental way. I've been there and I've coached thousands of people through this. We got to get you more on this side. We've got to be aware when we break a boundary, who we are, who we are. Not very key. You want to change your life. You also become vitally aware of this other internal boundary and this, this one. Your old self versus your new self. You got to know what happens is you have these patterns or these habits, these ways of thinking that were shaped by others. You have this old identity and you have the new you. Who you are today as a conscious, intentional living adult, right? This is when you drop into your childhood fears and concerns. And this is when you are in the moment as an authentic conscious adult. Right? I know not everyone loves this language, but I think it's important. And I've had to say this, listen just for context. I know so many people are new into growth day here, but I've been coaching people one on one for 16 years of my life. 16 years I've worked with people from all walks of life, 100 plus countries. I've had the blessing of so many millions of people going through our programs and getting immediate feedback. But also I do this one on one with people for 16 years. And sometimes as a high performance coach, I have to push a little bit. I always say I'm paid to push. You know, I have to come sometimes jar people or help them see themselves or recognize something. And so I know not everyone will like this language that I'll use. But sometimes I'll say with a client directly to them. I say, is that the high school self or is that you as a leader? And what I'm helping them recognize is this versus this. There is an old part of you or old set of patterns or habits or beliefs that you have to be aware that might not serve you. And they cannot break the boundary into the now. Who knows what I'm talking about? Anyone? Does this resonate with anyone? I see. Okay, good. You got to know when that boundary is broken. Oh, my high school self just walked up into this room and smacked everybody in the face. You got to know. You got to know when you lose it. You got to know when that childish, smaller, older, less competent, less secure you shows up in the moment, breaks the boundaries of time. The time zone boundary just got broke, right? Time zones are a boundary of time, aren't they? That's what a time zone is. It's a boundary of time. And sometimes we allow that boundary to be broke with old thoughts, old beliefs, old insecurities, old selves that do not belong in this moment. And so I know not everyone likes it when I call you or call a client high school, because that's not really that kind. Because I knew a lot of kids in high school who were wise and centered and incredibly remarkable and spontaneous and creative and giving. That wasn't me just letting you. I just want to let you know people. Okay, so when I say it, what I mean is that childish, dramatic, overly selfish, repugnant, like little high school kid that got all worked up and angry and had no emotional regulation, no connection with intention and vision. So maybe it's not appropriate to say that. I'm trying to give it to you as a metaphor though, is there? And that's why I like this language. Is there an old you that shows up once in a while and breaks the boundary into the now? If so, when does that happen? Let me share with you. One of the most important concepts in setting boundaries is to recognize when that happens. Same thing with this one. When do these breaks happen? What's the pattern there? Is it when you're under pressure? Is it when you're feeling defensive? Is it when someone judges you? Is it when someone doesn't comply? Is it when they insult you? Is it when you fail? Is it when you're feeling discouraged? Right? We all know this. It happens in our lives, right? Imagine the truth of how many of you have ever been on a diet or a new health program and you're like, I'm building a new self. I'm going to get pretty. I'm going to get in better shape. I'm going to do all these things. And then you have a bad day and you're three seasons into some Netflix show and you've murdered like 17 bags of chips and popcorn and two bottles of wine. You're like, oh my God. Well, something happened to make you break that boundary of the new self and the old self. Isn't it an old pattern of conditioning came back in and you went to a creature comfort versus a higher intention. You went to a creature comfort instead of a higher intention. You knocked out that conscious, willing, forward looking part of you and you went into coping zone and you might have went into an old coping zone. I got to know my old coping zones versus my new coping zones. The way I used to cope might not be appropriate in this relationship, in this career, in this role with this person. Are you guys geeking about this? I love personal development for this conversation. It's a new way of looking at things sometime and go, oh yeah, man. I never thought about a boundary as something internally that I'm breaking between old self and new self, fake self and real self and dialing when that happens. This is why I really want to encourage every single one of you. Please, please, please make sure you are going into your growth day app and using the journal to capture what's going on in each of your days, to capture your feelings, to capture when you break a boundary, to capture how you wish you it would have shown up, led, performed, interacted or communicated. Your journal is the most important part of growth day in my perspective because the breakthrough you might be getting here, you get that every day when you reflect about yourself and you see, when did that happen? When did I go backwards? When did I break the time zone here of old self, new self? What caused me to cope that old way versus this way? It's in thinking about it that we discover ourselves. It's in self reflection that we discover our future self. It's in self reflection that we discover our future self. This is the power of journaling. Okay, my friend, I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Brendon Show. Tell some people about this episode. It's on each of us to spread positivity and empowerment during these times of chaos and negativity, right? So I'm asking you to be the dealer of hope and personal growth and education in your tribe. So take a screenshot right now and share the screenshot and this link to this episode with three of your friends today. Post it on social media. Use the hashtag growthday. That's growthday, because that's the name of my company and we're always giving away prizes to our community. If you'd like to help me personally, then please rate and review the podcasts on Apple Podcasts. Give us some stars. Cheer us on. Leave a review. Because believe it or not, that stuff actually really does help and I read all of them. So my last thought for today, please remember, you are stronger than you think and the future holds good things for you. Tomorrow can be an inspired day. Every new morning is a second chance. Every day is a great day to grow. We're thankful to have you here in the Growth Day community, so be sure to go deeper with us@growthday.com Sam.