Mashup: What is Emotional Intelligence and How to Manage It

You want to be awesome in life and feel awesome. You want to care for others and set the tone and the energy of your culture or those that you lead and you serve. You need emotional intelligence. Because emotional intelligence isn't just about how I feel. It's about tapping into a deeper understanding of what's happening in your biological system, what's happening neurobiologically, and what's happening in the social environment so that you have greater mastery of it. Hey everybody, it's Brendan. I want you to make sure you write the date in your journal or in your piece of paper or your napkin, wherever you're writing, okay? I want you to write the date. I want you to write advanced emotional intelligence because this is going to be a changing day for how you manage your emotions and the emotions of other people and how you really sense and feel this life. I'm going to begin with just a few points about why I believe most people don't have more emotional intelligence and why this topic isn't more valued in not only, you know, the greater world or our educational system or our political system, or, you know, in some of our organizations around the world, or even some of our teams of our families. But I really believe that comes from just a few ideas here. Number one is the unfortunate reality that a lot of people think emotional intelligence is a touchy feely, over sharing, sense of vulnerable, weakness stuff. And they don't realize emotional intelligence is the secret to better decision making, better influence. It is the secret to overall mental health. It's the secret to mental strength, mental toughness, mental resilience. You want to be awesome in life and feel awesome. You want to care for others and set the tone and the energy of your culture or those that you lead and you serve. You need emotional intelligence. Because emotional intelligence isn't just about how I feel. It's about tapping into a deeper understanding of what's happening in your biological system, what's happening neurobiologically and what's happening in the social environment so that you have greater mastery of it. Not just to be aware of your feelings, which is absolutely critical, but also to know the difference between emotions and feelings. To also know the difference of when someone is sad versus when they're discouraged, and knowing what to do with all of that. That's the power of emotional intelligence. So this is not just some, like, you know, I think what has happened in pop culture, people think emotional intelligence is just like, you know, touchy feely, cotton candy hype stuff. No, it is literally the foundational Principle of having a great life. You have to be more engaged, aware and, and greater in your personal power related to your emotions. Especially now. Can I get an amen? It's like, these are difficult times, so we're gonna really dive deep into this and we're gonna make it about mental toughness and mental resilience in this year. Not just about, like, touchy feely. Second big thing is I really believe the reason that most people aren't more emotionally strong, intelligent, resilient, is because there is this dynamic in our culture that is often avoid difficult feelings, avoid difficult conversations, avoid those times when we don't understand our feelings. So let's drown it out with, you know, addiction, alcohol, distraction, Instagram, scrolling, whatever it is, right? It's like, oh, I don't feel good. You know what happens for a lot of people? They don't feel good about themselves or their relationships or their businesses or their teams or their life. So they pick up the phone and they go scrolling for life. Do you know what that is? That's an emotional intelligence thing. What's happening is they don't know how to cope. And so they pick up tools for coping versus understanding. Coping is here. They externalize coping, seeking coping mechanisms outside without understanding how to navigate the difficult emotions of our lives. And so I think more people haven't mastered this area of their life better, because the easiest answer is to avoid it. Think about all those difficult emotions you've had in personal relationships. Maybe you have a relationship right now who you really, you love somebody, you're in a relationship in an intimate way, or you're a parent, or you're leading a team and there's all this difficult emotion to manage right now. People are discouraged. There's a lot of vitriol and outrage out there. There's a lot of just fear of all this unknown. How have you engaged that? Have you had conversations with them? Have you checked in? Did you understand where they were at? Did they feel heard and seen, validated, appreciated by you? Or are you so struggling just to deal with yourself that you even forgot other people? Because that happens too. But we're going to go from this conversation of avoidance to engagement today. And that is the foundational tool in all of emotional intelligence is engaging it, right? Engaging those difficult emotions, engaging those difficult conversations, engaging those difficult people instead of hiding. This is that important time to be doing that. You know, I get how easy it is to say, I don't want to deal with that. You need to learn how to deal with it straight up. You need to get at level 9 out of 10 in order to navigate these next few months well and lead others. And you got to give yourself an assessment. I'm going to ask you to do that right now. I know so many people, they don't understand the importance of scoring different skill sets of their lives, and so they just kind of go through life hoping to get better. But one thing that we know from high performers is they're willing to score themselves. They're willing to. On a consistent basis. They give themselves grades or scores about how they're doing. How have you handled your emotions this year, on a scale of one to ten? One. You just not good. I mean, okay, let's call zero dead. Okay.

One.

It's been a struggle, and just you've been. It's been terrible. 10. You feel, like, impressed by yourself. This year has been pretty good. Like, you've handled all of this emotion pretty well. Where have you been? 0 to 10. Okay, maybe even you might just share in the chat right here. How you been here. It's okay. Sometimes just sharing is the first step here. Okay, now let me ask you about, how have you dealt with the emotions of others on 0 to 10? 0. I totally. They freaked me out. I don't want to deal with them. 10. I've been doing pretty good, Brandon. Thank you. I've been a great leader, a great parent, a great caregiver, a great manager. I've been doing real good. Where have you been? You know, you gotta think about that constantly, like, personally, how am I managing my emotions and socially. And the more that we're aware of these things and evaluating these things, the more our brain's gonna go, let's get better. Like, your brain is great at gamifying. When you give yourself a score, your brain goes, I want to get better. I would like a higher number here. Especially if you're on something like this with me here at Growth Day. I mean, it's like, duh, like you want to work on yourself, right? So I know that sometimes it can be discouraging when we talk about measuring yourselves or giving yourself a score here. Some people say, brendan, I've been a level five with my emotions for a decade. I feel crappy. Thanks for making me score myself. Okay, but listen, that's going to lead to this next point. Many people confuse emotional intelligence with a conversation about who they are versus skill set. What do you mean by that? Well, emotional intelligence is a skill. It's not about yourself or even just your overall personality or identity. It's a Skill, right? It's an area of your life to be managed, improved upon, navigated, and it doesn't represent you. So many people think when they're, you know, they have or experience sadness that, oh, I'm a terrible person. I have all these reasons to be happy. Why can't I just be happy? But I'm feeling sad right now. What a piece of crap I am. And they literally start speaking negatively of themselves because they have or experience or feel an emotion. But an emotion is not you. An emotion is not you. And what most people do in this category of emotional intelligence in their life, they say things like this. They say, oh, well, you don't understand. That's just how I am. I'm just not one of those joyous people like you, Brendan. I'm not like your students who are so heavy, and what they do is. I'm not like that. Thinking that managing your emotions, navigating your emotions, and activating a full suite of positive emotions in your life is related to their identity and who they are. No, we're talking about a specific topic in personal development. There's lots of things we can talk about that isn't you, right? Your car is not you. And your emotions are not you. Your dog is not you. The things you own or control or have are. Are not you. It's okay when you have an emotion that you don't like not to hate yourself for the emotions you're experiencing. Some of you had a really tough year, right? I hear all day long from this community, and you'll see it in breakouts. It's like, this has not been an easy year. And so many people get down on themselves. Down on self versus recognizing. Oh, I don't have a real strong skill set here to navigate this difficult emotion you follow. You don't need to get mad at yourself or down on yourself. If you score yourself in a way you don't like, you say, oh, I need to develop more skill here to be able to do that better, right? If I go out and you and I go out and we hang out to play tennis, and I'm not good at it at first, I don't say, oh, I suck at all sports. I say, I'm not good at this tennis thing. I. I need to figure out how to hold this racket and make sure this ball gets over that net, and when it comes back to me, you don't hit me in the eye. You know, it's like you have to realize your emotional life and navigating it. It's A skill set. And when it's a skill set, you can get better at it. Obviously, that is why you're here. But I want to remind you of that because I'm going to hear, I can tell you right off the bat how good you are with emotional intelligence. Are you ready?

Okay.

Some of you ain't gonna like this. Your emotional intelligence is directly correlated with how hard you have been on yourself this year.

Right?

If you've been so hard on yourself this year, then this is a great session for you because you need to develop greater emotional acuity, greater emotional strength, greater emotional resilience, greater emotional intelligence. And if you've always been hard in your life, but you're like, no, no, no, but I understand my emotions. No, because if you're constantly hard on yourself, that's coming up because of emotions. You feel an emotion you don't like, you take the emotion and you describe it to self. This is why you keep getting it wrong. I'm here. I wanted to help you do this. Separate yourself from the skill set of managing emotions and just go, you know what? I'm kind of not managing that well today. I can understand that. I don't manage things great every day and every time without saying I suck. Okay, parents out there, you know this, right? You can be a great parent, a good parent, a loving parent, a caring parent, but sometimes when little Johnny or Sally or whoever comes in and you lose it, that moment in dealing with that child right there, it might not be your best, but it doesn't take away from the fact that you're caring, giving parent, right? You don't take individual interactions with that child when it doesn't go right, and globalize it into, you're terrible. That's globalization and catastrophizing.

You follow?

Well, don't do that with your emotions either, right? Don't do that with your emotions. There is days. Don't tell nobody but Brendan Burchard, the motivation manifesto guy, which is currently the best selling motivation text so far of this century. With motivation the title, there's days I'm not motivated. That doesn't mean I'm like, oh, I'm a terrible person. Look how incongruent and awful I am. Oh, my God. It's like, you know, I didn't manage my focus, my energy well today. I wasn't clear with my intentions. I didn't energize my mind and my body to get excited about my purpose. I didn't do the things that are necessary to summon and sustain the emotion. I Wanted. Instead I just accepted what landed on me. Feel crappy. And now what do you do when you feel crappy? These are the things we're going to talk about today, so I hope this is helpful. And I'm kind of going over why people really struggle with this. And I know it might feel really negative up front, but, but I'm trying to tell you this is why more of our culture doesn't talk about it. This is difficult. When I'm asking people to score themselves, they're like, what? How can you do that? Well, I'll share with you one last big idea about why I think people really struggle with this topic is because they think the conversation about emotional intelligence is some way that like emotions are irrational or not as important. You know, it's some of those people who quote unquote, feel way left brained or. No, I'm more of an engineering mind, Brendan. Emotions don't get into my thinking process, you know, and they're more like they feel like emotions are irrational or not important or not a priority or are weak. When the reality is your wellness and your decision making and your interactions with others is predicated upon your ability, your ability to have holistic contemplation. What do I mean by that? You can't make a decision if you X out emotion. There's the logical and the emotional and these things are always talking to each other. You, you can't separate them. And the more you try to separate them, the more life becomes miserable because what happens is you become an incredibly analytical person who doesn't feel anything or you become an incredibly feeling oriented person who's not taking the time to think through things and so consequences on either side aren't good. We want you to be incredibly holistic and in your contemplation, your decision making and that means your whole body, mind, life comes into how you live and experience life. We want you fully activated heart, mind, body, soul to enjoy a great life. That's part of emotional intelligence, right? But we don't say that often. So people go ah, emotions. And it's like, oh no, no, no. If you've been a person like ah, emotions, I bet your happiness meter is lower than you think it is. I bet if you took a life satisfaction score or you really contemplate about where you're at, you'd realize life should feel better. Do you know how many people I know and coach who they're so successful. I mean they have it all and they're so smart and they're completely unfulfilled they're unfulfilled, they're disengaged. And they can't quite explain why. It's because they haven't been managing their emotions well. They haven't brought emotion into life. It's like they have relationships, but the relationships don't have pop and vibe and spirit and joy, right? It's like they do tasks every day, but they don't feel the day. And that's what I'm always sharing with you guys. It's about feeling the day. After you have everything you wanted in life, what do you want more of? You want to feel the day more? A sense of connection and meaning and fulfillment and satisfaction and intimacy and joy and vibe and pop, right? That's what we want. So emotions aren't something to crowd out. Emotions are something to navigate. Emotions are something to summon. Emotions are something to spark with others. And emotions are something to utilize to sense the wholeness and the beauty of life. Here we go, my friends.

Hey, it's Brendan Burchard. We're going to dive deep into how do you gain some more emotional mastery in your life so you can handle those difficult times when you get frustrated, when you get down, we get, like, beat up and, like, chewed out and spit out by the world. What are you going to do to be your best self? That is the topic of today's conversation. That emotional masteries part. That emotional intelligence we hear so much about, that ability to handle the difficulties and challenges of life with grace or a plume or being centered in the middle of all this chaos and turmoil. How do you be your best? That's the topic of today. We're talking about motivation at a deeper level. Maybe you haven't had with me before. The utmost, most important area of emotional mastery is mastering motivation. Now, when I say emotional mastery, you're like, wait, isn't motivation is a topic, an area? I'm like, no. Motivation. Motivation is an emotion, right? A motivation is an emotion that you feel, that you feel a drive, a sense of hunger, a sense of want and sense of desire to make something happen. I believe motivation is one of the most important things we have to master and in our total emotional sort of toolkit, right? Because if you can emotionally feel motivated every day, almost everything else can fall in line, right? If you're emotionally motivated to be a better mom, be a better caregiver, be a better parent, be a better lover, be a better entrepreneur, be a better business person, be a better contributor to the greater world, when there's a motivation pulling you forward out of Bed each day into the office, into real life, to be your best. Then everything changes when you lose motivation. You and I both know the loss of motivation is the first gate to suffering. You lose motivation now you don't feel like doing anything. You don't feel like doing anything. You don't work out. You don't feel like working out. You don't feel like doing anything. You don't feel like doing anything. You don't want to do your goals. Don't feel like doing your goals. Feel unfulfilled. Feel unfulfilled. Feel unsatisfied. Feel unsatisfied. Feel like life is meaningless. It is a slippery slope when you lose motivation. But the issue is no one has motivation 247 all the time. Motivation is an emotion you learn to cultivate by using your mind, your body, your greater consciousness to ensure that you feel that pull of purpose that you feel, that energy inside that says, I want to create, I want to contribute, I want to be my best self, I want to connect with people. And so motivation is something we're going to have to generate on a consistent basis. I know many of you are at HPA and you hear me say, you know all the time you have to learn to bring the joy because the power plant doesn't have energy, it generates energy. Motivation is something. Me, the motivation guy, I have the best selling book of the entire century with motivation.

The title, it's called the Motivation Manifesto.

If you haven't read it. And the motivation manifesto is like, if anything is imbued in that book, it is like the sprocity and this fierceness and this attention to living our best lives. But it has to be like generated. Because even though I'm the motivation guy, there's plenty of days I wake up and I'm like, I don't feel like it. There's plenty of days, there's plenty of moments where just like you, I'm just like, I'd rather be lazy and do nothing right now. And that's okay. That's, that's part of homeostasis. That's part of our, our human body to want to power down, to relax, to chill out. But too much of that can lead to an unfulfilling life. So you must learn to generate the emotions of drive, desire, go get in this, whatever you want to call motivation. And so it's something that we have to learn to stoke. Motivation is an emotion we feel by either luck or by purposeful conscious design. I just choose to design it into my day every single day. Motivation Is driven by certain things. You have a spark. You have something that sustains it, and something grows it. Okay? The spark of motivation, which is how I anchor into being motivated each day, is ambition. All motivation begins with the desire or hunger and ambition for more, Whether that's more depth or more connection, or more contribution or more abundance or more wealth or more love. Like, we just want more of something. And that says, I want to go get that, right? We see a fancier car. It's better than our car. I want to go get that. We see, like, a deeper love of relationship between two people. I say, I want that in my own life. Sometimes it's a visual cue. Something we see makes us want something, right? Not too far from here, there's a beach that I strolled on vacation, I don't know, a couple years ago. And I said, I'm going to live here. And it was a motivation. It was a cue. I saw something desired, it, wanted, it went after it, like, so sometimes it's a visual. It's a cue out in the world that says, I want more of that thing. And ambition can be visually cued for some people. If you just wake up. I mean, think about it. You wake up, you grab your phone, you're like. And all of a sudden, you don't have any motivation. Instead, you look through all this stuff, and all it did is make you feel like you're not enough, or it distracted you, or it upsets you or created, you know, anger, anxiousness. You got to be careful how you're using cues to start your day. I use cues to start my day motivated, and those cues to start my day motivated are things like, I literally wake up, and I'll wake up and I'll think of things that I'm grateful for and that I want to give in life. I'll wake up and I'll think about someone I want to do something nice for or surprise. Today, I'll think of something I can be excited about today. All as soon as possible. In the morning, fit revisit my ambitions, list my goals list. I'll look at them. I'll not wander through the day looking at social media. And then, oh, I guess it's time to work and look at my goals. It's like, my goals. I mean, in the first few minutes of the day, I'm revisiting them. And what I'm doing is when I'm looking at my goals or my agenda or my schedule, I. I'm looking at it, I'm thinking, okay, why do I want this, what would life be like? Like this. How could I go get it? What should I do today to make that happen? And that motivates me. That's my list of goals, my list of ambitions, the things that can excite me. In other words, it's very intrinsic goals. It's intrinsic rewards I'm after. I'm like, if I go do that, I will feel better. If I could have this, I'd be happier, right? It's not that I can't be happy with now, but I want to pull, like, if I can have that future pull, that's going to motivate me to go do stuff, right? I have to literally generate that in my mind. And so when I have that connection in the morning, that my takeaway for you is connect with your ambitions every morning, very first thing in the morning, somehow part of your morning routine, connect with your ambitions. Look at them, why do you want them? What would you get from that? How would you feel from that? What would that generate? Why would that be more meaningful? Really Connect with that ambition every single morning and you'll start to notice, you feel better. Because remember, if you were an hpa, you've ever attended our event or seminar. You also know this reality that motivation wanes with attention. Meaning if we don't give our ambitions, our goals, a lot of attention, the motivation just goes away. Because motivation is either fueled by our attention or by momentum, right? It either takes reflection or action to generate serious, sustained motivation. Either reflection or action. Because ultimately from the reflection that gives us clarity and clarity can give us confidence, or action can give us momentum. And when we have momentum, motivation is way easier to cultivate, generate and sustain, obviously. So these are really important concepts. Every morning, get very close to your goals ambitiously. What are those things that you want, desire, need, and would enjoy and what do you need to go to get? That's the intrinsic type of things, the things we'll feel good about, the drive, satisfaction, fulfillment, meaning excitement in us. But I also have my extrinsic, meaning my external cues or goals or rewards that also I revisit. So for me, example, when I always tell you, wake up each day and at some point say, who needs me on my A game. For me, every morning I re anchor down into my relationships. I think about, okay, if I don't show up today and do a good job, then my wife and I have a lower quality of life, then I can't support my mom, then I can't support my team, then all these people who count on me every day for motivation, or count on me for leadership, or count on me for support. They don't get that from me. And I tap into that reality that if I don't show up for somebody today, then you know what, by the end of the night I'll feel worse about myself. But also it will impact other people. Because you cannot have real high powered mental motivation without a connection to other people. We are social animals, so we have to think about, okay, what should I do? How can I contribute in a way that serves other people? So where that internal one is about self and satisfaction and fulfillment and meaning personally, that's tapping into our own passions, desires, wants and hungers. That external one is ultimately about service, about giving or taking care of or being the caretaker of other people. And you cannot just keep starting your day. I guess I'll get some coffee and read the news and see what's on social media, or hop into the car and listen to trash talk radio, or turn on the TV and hope to find motivation later in the day. Like, you want to kick off the day, kick off the day with motivation. Like get already in the morning immediately, in a good state of mind. When I'm in a great state of mind, it's like, bam, the day goes. And you know what? If you start the morning in the right frame of mind, motivated, driven, because you're connected to what drives you and what will serve other people. Then when you start, like running out of gas at noon, 1, 2 or 3, it's easier to fuel that flame than to start a new fire, right? Because some people just keep waiting. They don't even think about, I guess I should be motivated until they've lost it. I want you to start the morning with it and sustain it throughout the day by revisiting. Remember, the secret to all of motivation is revisiting those whys. It's revisiting that ambition that you have for your life, for more, for others, for contribution. That's everything, right? That's everything. And if you get away from that too many days, too many weeks, too many months, I'm just here to tell you you're really going to struggle. So I hope that helps. Every morning, everybody, every single morning, I really want you to connect with that. Okay, what am I motivated? What am I driven by? And that's going to really.

I can't explain how much that's going to help you.

You will feel it and you will know it if you will do it every morning. Okay? Motivation starts in the morning, but it's also sustained by that morning frame of mind. So that's really key. That's the first idea behind motivation. Connect with your ambitions first thing every single day. Give attention to that every single day. Here's something I don't often talk about but it's important for me because it's very easy for me to be really effective in the mornings. And then that afternoon, two, three o' clock and I could just be like, man, I want to go outside, take a walk, come back, turn on some Netflix, eat some carbs. You know that can be my afternoon if I'm not careful. So here's what I do. I have a checkpoint in the mid afternoon to recognize, reward, appreciate anything that I have done today. Anything that I have done today. And that midpoint checkpoint for me on my phone I just have an alarm. Mine tends to go off around 2:30 or 3:00 clock in the afternoon. It just flashes to me and it says what's been great today? What's been great today? And so that will cue me, all right, it's time to visit what's been great today. So just think about something I've done. It could be like I answered 10 emails today that I have been avoiding. Good job. It can be as simple as I made that one call, I said I was going to call, did it, I shot that content, created that thing, whatever, some type like listen, motivation is often driven by recognition. So recognize what you have done so far in the day, early afternoon, Then what I do in order to keep myself motivated even more. Because I've set in my mind that I want to be a person who's excellence driven. What I will do is I say okay, here's what's great so far. And then I ask a simple question. How do I complete this day with excellence? Just a simple touch point in the afternoon. How do I complete this day with excellence? So I will look at the rest of the day, whether that's two hours more, four hours more, five hours more, six hours more, whatever it's going to be for me. And I go, okay, how do I think through the rest of this day with real excellence? And when I can connect with that, I'm telling you, it's just so part of me and it really makes me want to serve. So please think about having a mid afternoon connection point to keep yourself motivated. You'll feel a whole different quality of life. Come in. I promise it's a different experience for people because most people, they're just running and gunning through the day, they don't realize or understand or accept how challenging it is to lose motivation. And so they've gone. Many people, they've gone weeks without being motivated. They're going through the motions, but there's no energy, there's no emotional pull towards something better. And because they're lacking that emotional pull, what ends up happening, they dog it. They don't contribute as much. They react and sort of create. And all of a sudden, a couple weeks later, they're like, I don't know why I'm so unfulfilled. Well, no doubt you're so unfulfilled because you haven't been tapping into that emotion of motivation. When we lack motivation, it is a slippery slope to suffering. So please recognize that you must cultivate more motivation. What else can you do? Well, I'll tell you, it's like ambition, attention to those ambitions, effort towards those things. I think all of that is really, really, really clear. But I also really believe that a lot of motivation is simply lost because of fatigue. So let's say you're doing all those things, but you're wiped out. You're tired. Like, a lot of motivation really rests on how you feel physically. If you feel lethargic, you feel tired, you have the flu. It's like, it's harder to be more motivated. You can still do it by doing what I've talked about. Req yourself, reconnect with those things. But health wise, it's really critical for you to say, okay, if I want to be motivated long term, I need to feel greater levels of mobility and energy in my body. So if you ever hung around me, I'm constantly bouncing and moving and breathing. And if you've been with me at hpa, you see some of these practices, this breath work that I do, that I'm activating and opening up my body so that my body says, let's go versus right. So my body's not like, oh, I ate this terrible thing instead. My body says, I feel refueled, I feel ready to go, let's go. So I manage my sleep, my diet, my health in ways that supports my mental clarity and energy. And I know that, like sounds. Sometimes people think motivation is just a mental game. I'm like, yes, but your mind and your body are connected. If your body is lethargic, so is your mind. Right? That brain body connection is real, y'. All. And I know you know that you've been sick, you've been tired. There's other times when you've been out of shape, you feel terrible. So I'm here to encourage you, as I always do, if every single month in high performance, I have to cheer you on to get in better health, to prioritize your health, to sleep good, to eat well, to move. If I have to do that every single month, I will do that. I will be your champion. I will cheer you on. I want you in excellent health this year. So please hear me cheer that on every single month. Because I just know I get you in better health. I get you in better mental health. We get you in better mental health. It's easier to sustain that fire and that drive, that purpose, that motivation, that thing will bring you satisfaction, joy and meaning. I know you guys get this, but. But I want to fire you up today. Like, this is something you must fire up on your own. This will be fleeting. Of course it's fleeting if you never look at it. I tell you all the time, no wonder you're not motivated. You haven't thought about what motivates you in three days. Just think about that. No wonder you're not motivated. You haven't thought about what motivates you in three days. Every morning I'm a deep dive in what's going to motivate me. I get excited about it. I look at it. Okay, let's go. If I didn't do that, I need coffee.

All right. Hi, my friends, it's Brendon Burchard, founder of Growth Day. And today we have a special session on the topic of improving your relationships. So if you are in an intimate relationship, you have a partner, you have a spouse, you have someone you're dating and you're trying to improve that or set that relationship up for great success. This is the topic we're taking on today in Growth Day, one of our most requested topics because clearly we've all learned over the last year and throughout the pandemic how difficult it was to have great relationships. If suddenly now you're locked in the house with somebody or you had distance, how do you create a great relationship? Is something I think we all want. I'm always sharing with you all here in growth Day that we all want greater aliveness. We all want more connection.

We to want.

We all want more meaningful pursuits, and we all want more growth. And if you're going to grow in any area that brings you more vibrancy and fulfillment and life satisfaction over the long term, it is with your relationships. Now, I've got a lot of fun to do today with you because in talking about relationships, I made sure not only to come back, I'm going to share a couple different perspectives today. One, I'll definitely share the research and you know, if you know my work now, it's 25 years studying personal development in depth, including psychology, neuroscience, sociology, behavioral economics, the whole nine yards to understand what is it that helps people become higher performing and create greater well being and relationships. That's what I do.

Right.

So a lot of research I'll share with you here today, but also kind of a little bit magical. Hopefully I'll share my own personal perspectives in dating, in relationship, in marriage. Also share with you Denise's so for those who've been through Transformation Week or have ever taken some teaching and training from Denise and I, I asked her literally this morning for her list of most important practices that have kept us sane and happy for all these years. Going on 18 years. And just like anyone else, ups and downs, challenges in relationships, they are not easy. And so part of that is because you have a different perspective than your partner or your spouse. I also know with the worldwide community, some of you all aren't in a relationship right now. You just ended one and you're trying to debrief and learn and think of, okay, what's it going to be like next time? Or you're dating somebody right now and you're trying to see if you want to deepen that relationship or maybe they're not the person some of you are like, dude, I don't want a relationship right now, but I'd sure like to know this stuff to help my friends. So I'm always telling what to do over coffee. So wherever you're at, I'm going to make some assumptions today because this is a, this is literally a seminar on how to improve your intimate relationship. I'm going to use the terms partner or spouse a lot today. I'll kind of default to partner because maybe that partner someone you're dating and you're deep in that relationship, you're just starting. Or it might be a spouse that you're with and maybe you like them or you're trying to improve it. Wherever you're at, it's okay. I, I've had ups and downs in my relationships my whole life. I know it is not an easy thing. I'm not here to preach to you. I'm here to say this is such an important area of your life. Get this better and everything gets better.

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You know that when your partner, your spouse, your significant other, when they are happy and fulfilled and you are happy and fulfilled, there's a greater flow and magic of energy and Love between you. And so it's always about, okay, let me own my stuff and let me help this person in my relationship. Let me support them and cheer them on too. And so I'm going to share two different perspectives. I'm going to start with one that is kind of the double sided coin that makes relationships so hard. And that is simple rules that you already know.

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And I hope today a lot of what I share is common sense. But we all know it's not always common practice and that's why so many relationships fall apart. So simple, one first double sided coin. We all know these two rules, right? One is put the relationship first.

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We all heard that before. And this is Denise's. I'm going to combine two of hers together right here. One is put the relationship first. But the flip side of that coin is you must grow and be independent and be striving to be your best in and outside of the relationship. Otherwise, if you aren't growing, the relationship becomes stagnant. And so it's interesting, that's that interdependence independence thing that makes all these relationships so dang hard, right? Is because, yes, you want to pour yourself into your partner and your spouse and support them and cheer them on and make decisions just for the relationship. And we all have the individual spirit that wants to manifest and reach our own full potential. And how do we do those two things in union and alignment. We're going to talk a lot about that today. Our first teaching today is that simple understanding. There's two sides of a coin in relationship. There's relationship first and there is growing and reach your potential independently as well. That interdependence independence, you must recognize the push and the pull of that and be attentive to that at all times to have a great relationship. I would argue that almost 90% of conflicts in relationships are actually not about who cleaned the kitchen. It's not about the finances or this kid didn't do that. The household. No, no. What it usually tends to be is a push and a pull between interdependence and independence and the couples not understanding that duality and not mitigating for that duality. And so one person's like, relationship first, we should do everything together. We should be on the same page. It should be perfect together. And relationship first also, though, means, hey, when you're making decisions about your life, make it please. In the context that we have chosen to live life together. Who's ever had a relationship where the person was completely oblivious to this idea of make the relationship first, right? It was probably miserable for you. It was like this person doesn't prioritize us. And I believe that one thing has really helped us, me and Denise in our relationship is honestly, she defaults to that. She is so good. And bringing me back to that too, that it's about us. We plan together, we have to have the journey together. Don't just go do these things. Think about how does that impact us, our life, our family. And she's really just good at that. And I believe that's what has taught me to be a better man. I hope in the relationship. We've gotten more and more years into our relationship together. I think that that is really powerful. How do you put your relationship first? You always make decisions within the context of realizing you're in a relationship together. Like obvious, right? And it doesn't mean you can't have independent decisions. It means those decisions still take place in understanding the effects and, and the consequences of your actions within the relationship. When we forget there's consequences of our actions within a relationship, the relationship inevitably becomes something separate than us. And when this relationship is separate than us, they feel a separatedness. And the more your partner feels a separateness in the relationship, the more that relationship struggles. This is why you hear people say, I always say, make decisions together, plan together, know what you're both working on together. That's the idea of relationship first. It's all right, I have a life partner. That means I do life with my partner. So when I plan things in my life, I think about my partner. And that simple reminder, I know not all of you need, but you've been in relationships where that was not true. And if you have been, you know what I'm talking about, in that separateness, you don't feel like you really know the person or you feel like they don't value your opinion. You feel like they are living their own life and they don't care about you or the effect on your family. And so it's so important for us to always remember.

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When I think about relationships, I always think about the coin. I call it the coin. Interdependence, independence, relationship first. Okay, got it. And the opposite side, which so many people naturally gravitate towards and know. Especially if you're in a growth day community like this, which is you must continue improving yourself and fulfilling yourself if that relationship is going to come into a true, deep, meaningful, fulfilling relationship.

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If you're stagnant, don't get mad that the relationship is stagnant. If your partner is stagnant, meaning they're not growing, they're not stretching themselves, they're not trying to learn about their mindset or their effect of energy on other people or to become more productive towards meaningful pursuits that matter to them. Well, then what happens? It's like you're growing and you're extending, but they are not. Who's ever been there? That's super hard. Now the challenge is you can't. If relationship first is one side of that coin and growing is the other, and you happen to be the person on that coin, you're growing and you don't sense that they are because relationships are first, you also cannot be bitter towards them, hate them, be jaded about it, because there's probably been points in your life where you weren't growing at your potential either. And what is the thing between. Like, what is the material? I call it between the coin, interdependence and independence. What's the material?

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If you have a penny, you know that the material is copper, right? In between.

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What is. What is the in between? Here's my philosophy. The in between, the stuff of the coin is called grace. Grace. If two people are going to come together and it's going to work out, there's got to be grace between them. Grace when you're growing and they're not. Grace when they're growing and you're not. Grace when they're struggling and you're doing great. Grace when you fall a little bit away from each other. And without that, it's really hard to keep that coin unified and valuable, if you will. And so I want to begin today with a simple idea. I know after teaching about relationships, literally for 15 years, and. And I've been blessed to coach some of the highest level couples in the business world and some of the highest level Olympic couples. I mean, I've worked with couples in every possible scenario that you can imagine, from new parents, to people who have chosen not to have children, to people who are just trying to finally create depth and meaningfulness in a new relationship. I can share with you 15 years of coaching. You have to imagine every conversation or every other conversation brings up a relationship that somebody is in. And what I have seen over and over and over again when either teaching or coaching on relationships is your or the listener, the student's immediate impulse to judge the other person. So as I'm teaching today, it's very easy. Ugh. My husband, he's like this. My wife, she's like that. And you're immediately, like, soon as I start teaching about something, you immediately cast the other person as the wrongdoer. And if we're going to explore relationships today, no, the material in between interdependence and independence is not wrongdoer, it's grace. If you want the relationship to improve, if you want the relationship to deepen, if you want that thing to feel better, no bitterness here, no judgment here. I always say judge less, feel better. Okay, let's not judge our partners or spouses here. Let's educate, let's learn, let's explore how we think you can't control them. Maybe you're lucky and they're watching with you and some of you are doing that, that's great. But if your partner or spouse isn't here with you right now, don't make this a judge session on them. Even if you're in turmoil, even if they feel separate, even if you're fighting, I want you instead to say, let me explore my relationships with openness and grace. Let me be accountable for my stuff, think through my stuff, and not make this a session of they're bad and they're the wrongdoer. Because I promise you, soon as you make your partner or spouse the wrongdoer, life gets hard, that relationship struggles. And so I want to start with laying this idea onto you of the coin. Interdependence, independence, relationship first grow so you don't stagnate. And as you have that difficult duality sometimes in between, what makes a relationship work is grace. That means understanding, compassion, forgiveness, openness to the other and their life amid your relationship. I hope that helps. That's the first idea. The coin, the coin, man, the coin. Second big idea. And this is what I'll come into this perspective of the first thing I would say to someone once they get that, which you always keep front of mind you in a relationship, you are co creating the future together. When relationship gets difficult, what happens is we are judging the past or we are feeling upset about the current thing. And what happens is sometimes in relationships, they took the eye off the ball that, oh, we're building a life together. We are co creating a future in which we are both happy, fulfilled, cared for, loved, excited. It won't be perfect, but it will be better than today. That's what we're doing. We're building our ideal future today. Even when it sucked today because the kids did this all over the house, this finance situation over here and I'm having this trouble and she doesn't understand or he doesn't understand and you're in that place where they don't get it. Oh, my God. Okay. This is a time to reorient and be like, oh, right, I'm not here to be angry about the past. I'm not here to be upset about right now. It's like, oh, we're on a project together, building the future. You know, so funny how people sometimes have some complete behavior that is different at work than at home. And obviously these are two different things. But so many people, you know, if they're at work and they're working on a project, they have to deliver something amazing to a client, right? They collaborate. If there's a problem, they solve it. They move on. And it's kind of like, solve, move on, solve, move on. Because what are we trying to do? We're trying to deliver this thing. You're trying to deliver a future for you and your family together. You're trying to co create something that is better and more beautiful than you could even imagine now. You know, I've been very lucky to do hospice work in my life and be with people and their families at the end of their lives. And you and I both know that in those moments, towards the end, relationships really matter. And I've been with couples in those last days and moments. And the beauty of a couple that has built a good life together in those last moments, it's incomparable. The solace, the peace, the reverence for life that happens when a couple built a good life together and they get to be together or support each other in their last weeks or months or years of life. It's really an incredible sight to behold. It's very humbling. It's very humbling. It's always a reminder to me is like, they built a good life. So at the end, they're handling this well. They feel fulfilled and grateful to have had each other. It's a beautiful. It's really. If you haven't been with people towards the end, it's super hard to explain because it's so magical. It's also so rare because very few people remember, oh, we're building this life together. You know, I've officiated some weddings with some friends and oh, my gosh, I've been to so, so many weddings, I can't even count. And I. I always try to think about the couple in the future. What are they going to be like? What do they desire? What is the win for them on either side of that coin? What does it look like in the future? Maybe today, if you have Been struggling in a relationship or you came out of one and things just weren't good. Maybe today is that day. You go into your journal and growth day and you actually spend 20 minutes, 30 minutes an hour writing about what would be that future relationship that you want or you're willing to create with your partner, your spouse, or somebody new in the future. What does that look like? Because you're co creating the future together. That's so powerful. You know, I think of some of my favorite times in my relationship with Denise, and it would be times when we were, you know, we had separate careers, but we were like on the same page because we're, we're gonna go, you know, buy this dream house and she's gonna design it and I'm gonna, you know, do these parts and we're gonna take on this project together to move somewhere or to start this thing or to open this business or to try this new adventure. And it's like this future oriented thing. Maybe you have that in your own life and your spouse, your partner. When you go on vacation and you plan the vacation a little bit together, then you both kind of get excited about it together. Because having a compelling future about your relationship, that opens the heart. When you see nothing but a dead end and an awful day again tomorrow and the next day and the month after that. You and I both know how bad that feels. And so we must, no matter how difficult it is, reorient ourselves to an idyllic future together and do the hard work to get there. It's not just about co creating the future though. My related point here is we're co creating the future and we are co creating energy together. One of my favorite questions in mediation. So mediation usually means in my world that there's two partners or two parties and they're fighting and they can't resolve their stuff. So I'm brought in to help them work through stuff, right? And I spent a lot of my college years and grad school years doing this. And so I would see all these examples of where people were really, they thought they were fighting about content, but the really issue was it was the process and the energy that they were fighting about. It wasn't about the kids or the finances or that thing she did or he did. It was really about the energy they were feeling then. So I would always love to ask them. Literally my first couple questions to a couple is, tell me about the energy you two create together when you are alone. What is the energy of the house when you are on a trip? What's the energy between you when you're out with friends? What's the energy? And inevitably if the relationship. Listen to this so closely. If the relationship is in a tough place, one person is blaming the other for that energy not realizing. In relationships, energy is co created.