The #1 MISTAKE People Make in Relationships

Compliance is not the path to intimacy. Always asking your partner to comply for them to serve you, that feels awful. Everything in life has to be reciprocal, is broken. A lot of marriages, you need to find out what serves them and do that out of love, not out of compliance. Everything can shift when you get more whole, when you fill in the gap spiritually, emotionally, and you do that work through personal development, through a therapist, through a coach. When we do the work together, even outside of the relationship, how we show up in the relationship is very different. If you ask anything of your partner, ask them to become their best selves in their definition, not yours. The goal of relationship is, can we both get as whole as possible? And then when you connect, we're locked in. They are not your servant. Oh, they are not there to serve you, my guy. They are not there to serve you. And, ladies, your husband's not there to serve you either. That is not love. And this is a huge breakthrough, especially in an abundant culture. We want everybody to bring us grapes when they do nice things for you. That's amazing. That's appreciated. That's awesome. That's part of a healthy relationship. But they're not your servant. I don't need my wife to run errands for me. I can run errands. I appreciate that she does those things for us. She does a lot of things for us, and she does a lot of things for me, but there's no expectation. Does that make sense? If you want to show your partner love, awesome. But if it's a compliant relationship where they have to do it, they have to be your servant in order for you to give them love. Oh, listen, compliant. Can you all write this down? Compliance is not the path to intimacy. It really isn't, right? Always asking your partner to comply for them to serve you. That feels awful. Now, everyone here, you have to be attentive to how much you do serve your partner. Because many of you, you do so many things for your partner because that's your way of showing love. But you're bitter that they don't serve you back equally. Once again, you're looking for fairness on different timelines. Once again, your style, right? Maybe your love language is that service. When you get stuff, you feel great. When you give stuff, you feel great. But that might not be their timeline or their language or their style. The thing is, that's not their role when they do things. It's amazing. Let me give you an example. Yesterday, I flew back in here. I literally flew into town. I drove right here. I didn't even get to go home. Drove right here, threw a bunch of water on my face, shaved, had two interviews, had all this crazy going on, and my wife shows up with a sandwich. Now you want to be in good relationship with me, just bring a sandwich. You know what I'm saying? I know all those. Hey, listen to all my keto friends. You're mad at my carbohydrate intake. You calm yourself down. I love a good sandwich. Anyone else love a good sandwich? Oh, I love myself a good sandwich. Just not with potato chips. That was funny. Okay, so a good sandwich. I love it. She shows up with a sandwich. I mean, how thoughtful. How incredible. She knew I just flew in, I came straight to the studio, didn't even get to go home, probably hadn't eaten. And it blows my mind that she thought, wow, he just landed, he's got a full day of recording and he hasn't eaten yet. So shows up with a sandwich and a coffee in the afternoon. Imagine me on coffee in the afternoon. Wow. She was just. She was caring about my energy. Unbelievable. But here's the thing. I didn't expect that. I didn't demand that. I wasn't asking for her to comply with my needs and my business. It's just something she did out of the love of her heart and her thoughtfulness. For me, she was doing something nice. And too often, we demand that our partner serves our needs in a specific way. Listen, I want you to communicate your needs. We're going to talk about that today. And it's wonderful when they meet your needs. But is it not true that for the most part of your life, the world will not meet your needs? Usually the world isn't set up to meet your needs. Now, I'm somebody who believes in abundance and the grace of God. I believe everything's kind of set up for me. I believe that great things happen. I believe the world is beautiful. Do you remember Einstein? Remember Einstein's quorum? The first question? Do you all remember? I'm not getting a lot of head nods here. Einstein's first question is that you must choose whether or not you believe you live in a friendly universe. Do you live in a good universe? Do you live in a friendly universe? Is the universe good or is it bad? That shapes your whole life? But the world isn't set up to serve your needs. It's wonderful when it happens. It's grace, it's opportunity. It's lucky. But it's not there. And your partner isn't there. See? Can I share a huge part of our relationship. I don't expect a lot from my spouse. She doesn't expect a lot from me. But the fact that we get it is, like, bonus. Like, I'm telling you what, you bring me a sandwich, I will do anything for you. I can't believe I just got a sandwich. I mean, you want me a sandwich? You're getting sex. Oh, my God. You know, it's like, wow. Amazing. Thank you. That's so nice. I can't believe that happened. So when everything your partner does to serve you because they're being thoughtful for you, that feels good. Could you do more of that for your spouse, for your partner? Could you do that without the compliance expectation? I promise you, she wasn't thinking. Well, he better not. I gave him a sandwich. He better show up in the house with flowers. That son of a bit. No, she just did it because she loved to do it for me. And when I give this idea that everything in life has to be reciprocal is broken. A lot of marriages, they're on a different timeline. They have different styles, different languages. They come from a different background than you. You need to find out what serves them and do that out of love, not out of compliance. And you need to share what you need and ask for it out of love, not out of compliance. When you get it, it's bonus points. When they forget, you don't get to be bitter. If forgetfulness always leads to bitterness. I just predicted your divorce. If forgetfulness. They forgot your need, they forgot that exact thing, and it leads you to be bitter. That blockade of bitterness builds up between you and intimacy. Now, I know. Don't worry. I know some of you are like, but. But he should do this and she should do this. I'm like, yeah, I. I agree. It's wonderful when they do, but it's true. They're going to make mistakes, right? And you committed to them. So when they make mistakes, does that become something so embittered that it actually makes the relationship worse? I'm speaking specifically now about servant. About being a servant to somebody or expecting them to be a servant. Don't worry. We'll talk about other commitments, but this is the expectation. We're in role expectations. You all follow? We're in role expectations right now. And what I'm trying to tell you, your partner is not a healer or shouldn't be your healer. You shouldn't expect them to be your healer. Number two is they're not your servant. And I knew that. I can feel the fire coming out of zoom on this one about the servant. Oh, people get mad when I start using the word. Don't be demanding. Don't expect compliance. Oh, especially if you're Gen X or sooner. You probably think I'm just an old mean man. Sorry about that. Third. So, number one, they're not. They're not supposed to be your healer. Second, they're not your servant. And third, they are not your accountability partner. Whoa, dude, did you just go there? Yeah. My wife is not. Her job is not to keep me on track in life. You say it again. I don't expect my wife to keep me on track in life. That's my job. Just like my emotions are my job. In fact, the more I keep me on a positive track in life, the more I'm sexy to my wife. The more you keep yourself together, committed and integrous to what you said to building a good life, the more you're sexy to your partner, the more you expect them to be the person who keeps you on the right track, the more you're asking them to play a role that loses respect. See, they love that you can be autonomous. Autonomy and agency is sexy. Someone who takes command of their life, that's attractive. Now it's not attractive if you take command of your life and you expect them to be exactly like you. Now there's judgment, but when you own your stuff. Anyone ever date that confident person before or married. Marry that. Like, my wife's independence is so sexy to me. That's something that increases our intimacy. If she would, like, tell me, well, can you remind me to do these 50 things? Could you make sure I do these 50 things? Could you? Could you? Could you? Could you? Could you. Could you Don't. Could you? Your partner to death. Your partner's dealing with a lot of stuff. They can't be in command of your schedule and your follow through. You want to be a great partner? Be in command of your progress. Be in command of your follow through. Do your personal development. Is this too much to start the seminar? I feel like I might be offending some people. I better walk right off this camera. I'm getting people mad over here. I'm like, oh, man, just. Brendan, you get out that thing right there. I can't. I know I'm going there, but I'm going right at you. All these things we expect of our partners are ruining the beautiful container that could be your relationship. So your partner is not your healer, they are not your servant, and they are not your accountability partner. As I said before, if they contribute to those things, if they see Those things, if they honor those things, thank goodness. But if you demand or expect of those things, of them, you're hurting the relationship unintentionally and unconsciously, of course, we want them to help in these areas. Unconsciously, of course, we want someone to help me be better. I want somebody to take care of all my needs. I want somebody to fill the hole that my parents left in my heart. Wouldn't that be wonderful? But if that's what you expect of them, that's a high bar. And some of those things, listen, being a healer, that's a specific skill set serving you. That's an employee accountability partner. That's a highly qualified coach. Those are. You're asking for very high skill sets that your partner may not have, but also, can I share something with you that maybe it doesn't always resonate with everybody, but when you expect or demand those things from your partner, their bitterness for you grows. And that's the blockade. In other words, everything I've shared, it works both ways. Isn't it true? It works both ways. The bitterness grows on both sides when either side expects this. It's like what I've shared with some clients before. And again, I'm speaking as a high performance coach. I'm not being delicate about these matters. I believe you're in Growth Day and Ultra because you don't want me to be delicate. You want me to put the challenge out there. And in this area of having these role expectations and demands of our partners, this would be the compound effect to the destruction of the relationship. That's how severe I believe this to be. These are compounding problems because these are all frames, right? Let's work. Can we work through the first three frames? I've taught you the first three frames. Do we see their superpowers? Do we acknowledge it? Do we make it explicit? Do we have gratitude, appreciation and admiration for their superpowers? That's a positive frame, right? When we think of change, do we think about the change in terms of what we desire for them to change in a good way for them, not just for us. And when we think of them, are we asking them to heal us, serve us, or be our accountability partner? Because if those are the frames, like, we have to be very thoughtful about the frames we're coming into. For me, because I see my wife's superpowers, I want positive changes for her in her life in whatever way that means to her, and I don't expect her to heal me, serve me, or be my accountability partner. That means I own My life, like, that's. That's my job, not hers. The first time I ever gave a speech in front of my parents was in college, and I had started teaching myself to do public speaking. And I offered to do a relationship seminar for the dorms. So on campus, we had all these different dorms, and I put these flyers around to come and do a relationship workshop, thinking this was gonna be a great idea, terrible idea, but I thought it was gonna be amazing. So I invite everybody. This relationship workshop, you know, across the dorms and across campus, you know, there's thousands of students, and I think maybe like 75 or 100 people showed up. Because I also. The dorm that I was holding in, I went to every door knocking, hey, I'm doing this thing for, like, three hours. Hey, I'm doing this thing. You want to go And. But my parents came to this thing, and it was. I was just, like, so nervous, and I was sweating so bad because I get obviously pretty worked up when I'm teaching. For those who don't know, I'm standing here, I'm moving. I'm trying to emote with you in the box that I have of the video here. But I, I. I move a lot. I mean, I go in and out of the audience. I move around a lot. And I was having the best time today. But I remember one of the things I taught. I taught because I wanted my, My. My parents to hear and let me pause there and ask, is there something you wish your parents heard or knew in their relationship? Is there something you wish? Gosh, I wish they knew this thing. It doesn't make them right or wrong. It's just like, wow, I wish they knew this. Because, see, as a mature adult now, you have a different perspective, as you did when you were young, as when you were a kid. And now you're mature. You've seen the mistakes, you know the impact, and maybe there's some things you want to share. And I always think that's a really positive and powerful place to start in a conversation about your own intimate relationship, your own love life is there's something that you could take from your experiences to improve your relationship. Not to expect that they heal, not to expect that they serve, not to expect that they keep you accountable for, but that you just feel like, wow, that lesson would have been so key, and now you can apply it in your own. Because this is called generational improvement. You're the one to change the pattern. I'm the one that changes the patterns. Well, one thing I noticed in My relationship and my parents relationship was because they struggled in their individual lives. My dad had been through war. My mom was a child of war. I could see that they were struggling with a simple concept. And I made a metaphor for it. I'm gonna share it to you today. I literally taught. This is so crazy. I taught this in, like, 1999. That's how long I've been doing this. Okay? And so. And I had a. I went to a park one day. Where were we? We were in San Francisco. We were Golden Gate Park. And this woman walked up to us. My wife and I and friends were on a picnic blanket. This woman walks up. She goes, are you Brendon Burchard? I said, yeah. And I think she knows me because of my books or my videos or all this stuff. She goes, I went to a college workshop you did on relationships. And I was like, what? This is crazy. She had no idea what I do now. She's like, she recognized me for that. She goes, yeah, this thing. Remember this thing? And I was like, oh, yeah, that thing. And her. And I just went off and about. She remembered this, like, whatever it was 20 years later. So maybe you'll remember this. Everyone put your fingers like this. Okay? Now try to lock into the other finger and move it around. What happens, comes undone, right? Well, that's your relationships, because you both aren't whole in one. Another one might be like this, and they're kind of hanging on, but they keep breaking off, and that might be you. The goal of a relationship is, can we both get as whole as possible and then reconnect? We're locked in. When I lack wholeness of my own, and they lack that sense of wholeness, worth, respect, capability, then it's always like. It always feels like one person's gonna spin out, spiral out, or that we don't connect. Does that make sense? So the job in a relationship for both of you to seek wholeness in your own life. I hate Jerry Maguire. You complete me. Ah. Ah. Because guess what that means I'm still like this. And I need you. I need you to close me out. If I need you to close me out, guess what? I'm always gonna spin out. Which is the actual message of the book, of the movie, doesn't it? He spins out. She's whole. He's not. You complete me. But not really spinning out. He spins out. Most people miss that lesson from the story, but if you can try and trust me. I was like, but no one ever becomes completely whole brain. I'm like, of course I totally get that. But the more like listen, when there's open gaps, I mean, you can't even connect, right. So the job is to find your sense of worth and wholeness in life that is fulfilled. It doesn't mean that you don't have needs or challenges. What it means you should be closing that gap as you mature. You're never going to close it completely. God does that, at least in my faith, my belief. But if you can take it as far as you can, you're going to be able to connect better. Everyone's always like, why did. And let me share this language with you. I know it will be controversial, but people ask me this all the time, like, why is, what do you think your relationship is with your wife? Why it's so good? Or why do you think your friendships are so good? So if I can extend this to your broader relationships. I just was literally on stage 24 hours ago and someone's like, what's the deal with your relationships? How does that work? And all of my great friendships and I would hope with my clients or with my audience, even my audience I hope can feel it. And that is this. I am not. And this is big open gap to me. I'm not a needy person because I'm full and whole of myself. I'm not needy. See, when we are needy, some of the most selfish, awful things comes out. When we're needy, we need them to be our healer. When we're needy, we need them to be our servant. When we're needy, we need them to take care of our lives and be our accountability partners and set everything up. But when we are self actualizing, when we are in command of ourselves, this is why personal development is so important. It's why I'm belaboring the point a little bit. Everything can shift when you get more whole, when you fill in the gap spiritually and emotionally. And you do that work through personal development, through a therapist, through a coach, through a new peer set. People who are just on that journey and striving with you. When we do the work together, even outside of the relationship, how we show up in the relationship is very different. And we're in a selfie culture right now where everything my, my, my, my, my needs, my needs, my needs, my needs, my needs. But see, if I need you all the time, I actually can't connect with you. I can't connect with nobody. And a lot of people are floating around like this their whole life. But when we can close that gap, I don't need the world to give me my joy. I don't need her to give me everything I need. Because inside I am fulfilled. I'm self sufficient. I'm actualizing. I'm feeling worth and care and love and respect for myself. Most of the lack of intimacy we blame the other partner for and we forget like, oh, maybe we need to get in touch with ourself again first. We need to understand ourself again and understand our emotions again and fill ourselves up with joy and love again. That maybe got taken away or got busted out of us or got thrown out of us or. Life happens, right? Life happens. And I know at the beginning you're like, this is a lot of accountability to put on me, Brendan. I'm like, no, remember I said the goal. It's like, it wouldn't be great if they were engaged in that wholeness journey with you. Here's why I say if you ask anything of your partner, ask them to become their best selves in their definition, not yours. If you want to really connect and you want to encourage, it's like you want to see your partner become their best because in their best, they're going to treat you better. In their worst, they're selfish, their insecurity, their hurt, their pain, they're not going to treat you well. So finding a partner who's into personal development or who will start that journey on a different timeline than you is so awesome. It's so awesome. I want you to encourage all of your partners. Drop them little hints. Put a little personal development book on their nightstand. Send them a link to a podcast that blew your mind. Get them a subscription to Growth Day, Bring them to an event. Let me work on them. Team them up. Go out with couples who are positive. Yes, you can set up the conditions that might support their wholeness. It's not your job, but it's like bringing sandwiches.