The Rejection Myth: How to Overcome Fear of Rejection

I spent all this time teaching people how to share their voice with the world, you know, market their personal brand, get their story out about who they are and what they want to accomplish in life. And one of the things that really surprised me when I started doing this almost ten years ago now was how many people would come up to me say, but Brendon, how do you deal with rejection? And these are often adults, which really blew my mind because I was a really young guy back then and maybe, you know, 45, 55, 65 year old folks saying, well, Brendan, I, you know, how do you deal with rejection? I thought, what do you mean? And there would be this insecurity in their voice as they asked that question. And I thought, wait, you're an adult and still struggling with ideas about rejection. I think that's really unfortunate. And I think it shows that sometimes people live an unexamined life that they're willing to not question themselves. I mean, shouldn't we have all gotten over and kind of dealt with rejection pretty young? I mean, high school, college level stuff? And I'm not saying that we won't ever be self conscious. Don't worry, you don't have to give me hate emails and comments below. I mean, you can make fun of my shirt, but I mean, other than that, please don't. I'm not trying to be insensitive people, I just think that sometimes they don't understand math and odds that we think rejection is this thing that happens all the time. So what happens is so many people guide their life based on this fear that they're going to be rejected. So they don't take action, they don't start new things, they don't chase their dreams because they're worried what other people are going to think that they're going to be rejected and deemed unworthy or unlovable or you know, not adequate in some way or another. And you think, well, that's so sad because rejection, the actual form of rejection that shapes people's identity and hurts them, happens so rarely. And if you don't believe it, then that's an internal fear, not the reality of the universe. And let me prove this to you just with some basic data. I've traveled around the globe, you know, well over, well, most of the globe now. And here's what I find out over and over and over again when I speak to audiences. I always do this little simple activity where I say if you've ever been rejected in a way where it hurt, you know, it actually it hurt and formed and Shaped your identity in a way. I mean, it was a significant hurt that you felt it, and it changed how you felt about yourself and what you might want to go and accomplish in the world. If you've ever felt that before, would you raise your hand? Everyone raises their hand. I say, well, if you ever been rejected by, let's say, three people who really rejected you in that way that you were really, I mean, just shot down, hurt, and it changed who you are and what you wanted to accomplish in life. How many ever happened that with three people? A bunch of people raised their hand again, and I start escalating that number from 3 to 5 to 7 to 10 to 15 to 20 to 30. Here's what's amazing. I've done this all over the world with audiences with thousands of people in them. Okay, thousands of people. Here's the average across all those audiences all around the world. Doesn't matter the culture, the average number, about seven. So anywhere between five and seven, meaning people say between five and seven people hurt their feelings enough with a real rejection. Not one of those, well, I'm sorry, I can't go out with you, I'm washing my hair stuff. I mean, somebody where they really criticized you and rejected you in a way that hurt, the average person says, five to seven people rejected me like that. Now, there are some people who have more than that, but I'm saying the average is five to seven. And yet so many people. When I ask, well, how many of you are so scared of rejection? Almost everyone raises their hand and it's like, wait a second, you're scared of something that barely ever happens. Because the second question I ask is, well, how many of you have ever interacted with, let's say, 10 people? And when you interact with those 10 people, it went just fine. They were nice to you, they were polite, they were patient, or they just didn't care one way or another? How many of you ever met ten people like that? Everyone raised their hand. Then I say, well, how many of you ever interacted with, met, known, or associated with, let's say, 100 people in your life, and you've known 100 people, and 100 people, they were fine with you. Everyone raised their hand. I take that number up to literally thousands. Everyone's still raising their hand because we've all met with, interacted with, known, or associated with, you know, literally thousands of people in our lives, and most of them could care less, didn't criticize, were generally supportive. And it's like, wait a second, you're basing your life, and you're directing yourself based on this fear of rejection that maybe has happened on average for people between five and seven times, but thousands of people you've interacted with were cool with you or at least let you do your own thing and didn't criticize it. And it's like, wait a second. If you realize those numbers, you did the math, like, five people, thousand. Five people aren't supportive of you, but a thousand were, and we're fine with you. You think about that math for a second automatically. Statistically, mathematically, five out of a thousand, these are the freaks. They're the oddities. They're the weirdos. They don't make computational sense over here. You're worried about what? The minority. I mean, the tragic minority in that sense. Five out of thousand. You've got a thousand people who got your back. You could storm these five people, right? So you have to realize that rejection actually barely ever happens. We fear it because when we were young and it happened, it felt so real and so big. But come on, as we get older, we have to gain that greater sense of awareness, maturity, that says, you know what? I am my own person. I'm going to be myself regardless. And some people say, well, Brendan, you can't expect that from people because they have so much fear. Why does fear get so much credit? Because people also have so much power. People have so much strength. People have so much in themselves that actually could be heroic tendencies if they focus on that as much as they focus on their inadequacies. So why are we giving everyone a buy card and saying, oh, it's okay that you're still scared of rejection? I don't think that's okay. I think it's rather we should say, let's have a higher ambition for ourselves as human beings and to allow ourselves the freedom to be who we are, to genuinely express ourselves. Yes. Will some people criticize it? Absolutely. Some people are gonna criticize this video and be like, oh, man, I hate your shirt. Your hair looks bad. You're really white. And what's your deal? You know, everyone's gonna say something. So what? I'm not gonna limit my service or my message to the world based on what other people think. And by the way, who are we fearing the most anyway? Usually the people we fear are the harsh critics. But let's talk about the harsh critics. Who are they? Right. Most harsh critics, unless they're paid to be critics, are just jerks, and we really don't need to listen to them. But why Are people critical? Most people critical just for maybe four reasons. The first reason is self boasting. Like most critics, they're just, they're braggers. They like to say, you're not good enough. I do a much better job. Fantastic. Good for you. Go do a better job out of my vision, please. Right? It's like, don't worry about the self boasters and the narcissists. You don't need to be concerned about them. They have nothing to add to the direction which you're going in your life, right? So just focus on your own thing. Don't worry about the couch critics or the apathetic advisors on the sidelines of life. They really have nothing to contribute to you unless you've asked for constructive feedback. And don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. You know, I think the second reason people become critics often is because it's just, it's self protection. They're critical of you because they see something outstanding in you or something remarkable or something different. And they're scared of different because they're comforted in their own thing or it challenges their own beliefs or their own behaviors. Seeing you excel, seeing you have the boldness, the freedom, the joy, the ambition, the guts, the integrity, the courage to, to put yourself out there. So they're like, oh yeah, who do you think you are? So they try to knock you down to their level. Do you need to be concerned about those people? No. What's the third reason? I think the third reason people do it sometimes they just critical, but they're critical out of ignorance. They actually don't know you. They don't know what you're talking about. They don't know what you're doing. They don't know anything about your area of expertise or the thing that you're trying to share in the world. And so why be concerned about what somebody who has no knowledge of about you or what you're doing has to say? And the fourth reason people do it, I think, is because they actually do want to provide value. They want to give you some direction, to protect you, to care for you. And they don't realize that sometimes the way that they do that their tone might be condescending or maybe the way that they do it does hurt you or does limit you, but they didn't intend it. They weren't trying to be a tyrant to you. They're just maybe a little unconscious or lack some emotional or social intelligence. Or for those people, pity them, but the rest of them ignore them. You know, I think give some of those people who are trying give them patience and pity. The other ones don't give them patience and don't give them a time and attention. And that sounds harsh to say. I'll be criticized for it, of course, but that's what I believe. So I'm going to say it. You know, I want you to go say what you feel like with the world. Go give yourself to the world without concern about what the world thinks about about you so much. Because if you don't, if you limit the expression of who you are and what you have to give in the world based on a couple people who might criticize you, what have you done? You've sunk in below the lowest common denominator of mankind. If we all shrunk in our ability to serve because what some people might think, where would we be as humans? Go out and be great and never apologize for it. SAM.