This One Skill Can Save Your Relationship

Everyone has trauma. Someone has to be the better, someone has to hold the space, someone has to have that compassion, understanding that someone might have went through something. You never know what people are going through. And soon as you know that, you don't judge them and you don't judge yourself or the relationship as quickly let them vent without labeling. I need you to remember that most people you ever speak with in your life have trauma. Most people you ever speak with, they had some negative event, some major difficulty from life changing moments that leaded to negativity or bad behavior or bad feelings or a negative disorder. And they got into a place where it just like something happened to them. And once you understand everyone you're talking to has that reality, you set in a better place with them. You're more gentle, more patient, more kind. As soon as you have this as a master practice. So I'm going to hold this master practice up. And it literally says, remember, everyone has trauma. Soon as you break through on this one, it's like magic happens in your relationships. You speak differently to other people. You don't yell, curse, push them. You change your behavior because you realize that people are in fact sensitive, people are in fact influenceable and you can positively or negatively impact them. But it also reminds you that people are often triggered, they're triggered by something that was awful in their past. So now when they're being awful to you, you realize, oh, they're not being awful to me because of me, they're being awful right now because they had the example of awful and they don't know how to sort through that, work through that and be good right now. Now I know people get very hooked to good, bad trauma or the language I'm using right now. I'm totally okay with that. I'm not a therapist, I'm a coach. And I'm here to coach you to be sensitive towards others. And when people are overly sensitive in a dynamic with you and your family, remember there's something going on that you might not know about. You know, so many of my friends in the influence industry, especially in the last five years, have come out and shared how, how when they were growing up, somebody in their family or their extended family or neighborhood abused them and that shaped, you know, a competitive edge, that shaped less sharing, that shaped low self worth, that shaped a negative experience for them in life and it for them until they learned to work through that, until they learned to acknowledge that, to release that, to process that, to forgive that, to understand that, or if they can't do any of that, to simply choose to be more conscious in who they are. Now, I'm here to tell you, it changes everything, but in families, it's almost like we forget it when it's in our own family. You know, it's that story of, you know, you have, you know, a daughter, you have a son. And both of them had very difficult upbringings, but one kind of moved on, the other didn't. One processed, one forgave, one didn't. And later on, they have different outcomes, don't they? But if they don't know that about each other and the one who seemed to go on with life doesn't understand that about the other, then that family relationship never gets cohesive. And often family members forget what they've been through, and they forget what they've been through as a family. They forget the cohesion part. Instead, they go, I went through this. You didn't get this. He had it worse than me. This person went through this. And it becomes a blame game instead of a sensitivity game, a compassion game, a patience game. And I'm here to tell you as a universal rule in life, not just your family, when you understand other people have had difficulty, you're more kind, you're more compassionate, you listen more, you're patient more. It's an overarching belief that I have that no matter what I do in life, whoever I'm talking to had some really bad times. And when I can remember that and remember that they're suffering trauma, difficulty in life, I'm a better person for them. And I really believe if you want a great family, you have to be a better person for others. It's a high expectation, and not everyone likes that language. But I'm here to tell you, someone has to do it in the family. Someone has to hold this space. Someone has to have that compassion, understanding that someone might have went through something in that family that you don't even know about. You know, I work with a family right now, and one of the kids was bullied in school, and I mean, really dramatic bullying. And no one in the family knew it. And this kid was acting out and was kind of stone cold with the family. No one could figure it out. No one could figure it out. And this person didn't share it for a really long time. And in a very simple discussion, I talked to the kid for maybe 20 minutes, and no one had genuinely sought to understand where this behavior was coming from. Now, I'm not justifying the behavior, and I actually don't believe most of our behavior Comes from something that happened to us. I actually believe we're weak, way higher in our free will and our agency. And I think a lot of people have never been exposed to a lot of the research that shows that while we live in a culture that likes to blame, you know, parenting and how we grew up, the truth is parents have a lot less influence as a kid moves out of early adolescence and early childhood. And now many of the external factors are driving that person's behavior than the parents. Their, you know, their school, their socioeconomic status, the kids around them, their friends, their peers, their teachers, their own choices. These things are shaping them more than parents. It's why I tell people all the time, please don't blame your parents. If you're like, after 18, there's really not much you can blame your parents for anymore. Your choices as an adult are your choices as an adult. It doesn't mean even if you ever get that level of personal freedom in your life or that command and self control in your life, that high level of agency and consciousness in your life, it doesn't mean that other people, including yourself, don't have difficulties, dramas and traumas. And soon as you can say that, listen, your job isn't to solve that for other people. Your job is to understand that's true for other people. Can I say that again? Your job isn't to solve that other. Unless, like, it's literally your job to be a therapist. But for most people, the job is not to solve that. The job is to understand that that is true. And soon as I can understand, even if we get outside of family dynamics, let's just go into, like, Buddhism, let's go into spirituality that suffering exists. And if I can acknowledge suffering now, I'm starting a conscious and enlightened journey in life. Like, suffering exists. People have it, you don't know it. I was talking with a buddy the other day. We Talked for about 30 minutes, and it was a terrible conversation. I couldn't figure out. I literally didn't know what was going on with this person. And we were sitting there, we were probably 20, 30 minutes in the conversation. I'm practicing self restraint. This person's being kind of a jerk. And in my mind, I'm like, okay, remember, everyone suffers. Everyone's struggling. Maybe there's trauma going on. I go, hey, you know what? I'm just getting to know you a little bit better. But something's something. Something seems going on here in. In this relationship. I don't know if I've done something or if you're feeling something. Is there anything that's going on that's like. Like aggravating or triggering or upsetting you right now? And he's like, yeah, man. Like, this is really hard for me to sit here right now. In my mind, I'm thinking it's hard for him to sit here. And I think, what did I do? What did I say? Right? Because I own my feelings and behavior. I'm thinking it's about me. I said, oh, I'm sorry. You know, how could we improve this situation? He's like, actually, could we get up and continue this conversation walking? I go, yeah, sure. Why? He goes, oh, I just had knee surgery two weeks ago. My knee is killing me right now. And I was like, what? His knee was killing him. But I'm thinking, there's something wrong in our relationship. I'm thinking I'm coaching bad or I'm a bad. I have no idea. I'm thinking he's a jerk. You never know what's going on for other people. No one would have guessed that this guy had knee surgery two weeks ago. He's in physical pain. As we are talking, you never know what people are going through. And soon as you know that, you don't judge them and you don't judge yourself or the relationship as quickly you stay open to try and explore what's happening here. And I'm telling you, it's like a master level of insight into humanity. I mean, I remember reading this as, like, a teenager when I was reading a lot of Buddhism and Taoism, and I was reading a lot more of Eastern culture, and it was just kind of like. It was like, oh, yeah, people really are suffering with things that we don't understand, so compassion must be the way. And so I could have written on this card, be compassionate, right? But instead I wrote, remember, everyone has trauma. Soon as I can remember that, I adjust my communication with them. Instead of saying to this man who's kind of being a jerk, hey, you're a jerk. I said, hey, is there something going on here? And I explored it. I created a dialogue, and the communication got to what he needed. What he needed in that moment wasn't for me to accuse him, wasn't for me to try and understand why he's a jerk. It was for me to say, hey, can we something we can do here? And his answer was to get up and walk. What I love about communication when it's open, is you start hearing answers and requests that you never saw coming. I never saw. Listen, I have been, you have to understand the level of communication that I have, one to one with people. Is 20 years of weekly experience doing this, being compensated at the highest levels, and if I don't do it well, I don't get compensated. So it's on the line for me. So I've developed a certain level of acuity in the moment, and I had no idea the dude was in physical pain. You got it. You don't know. Soon as you can go, I don't know what's going on with this person. The whole world of solutions opened up to you. Let me give you another simple practice. Here it is. Let them vent without labeling. I know you might be like, oh, my God, here she goes again. Let her go again, dude. Oh, my gosh, she's talking about her friends and the situation and this thing happened. I don't care. Doesn't matter if you care. Let her talk. Let people vent. Now, the research on this is hugely interesting to me, and that is, if people are venting longer and it's negative, there's complaining, there's things like this going on. Obviously, it brings down the quality of the interpersonal relationship. Both people in the relationship share that. They are less satisfied. So negative venting that goes on and has high frequency or recurrence. Both people, the person venting and the person receiving the venting report lower levels of relationship satisfaction. Okay, that's fascinating research. I also know that more often people don't feel heard. Especially in our culture today, most people don't feel heard, and they don't feel like their position is, you know, something other people understood. And so the way they do this for me is, let them talk. Just let them talk. But don't label them. Don't be like, oh, here she goes again on drama. She's dramatic. Oh, here he goes again. He's always irresponsible. Don't label it when they're venting. Let them vent. Walk with them. Let it go. Like it can go for you. It can go in one ear, out the other. It can go over your head. Doesn't matter. Let them go. Let them go. I have a rule on this. Let them go for maybe 20 minutes. After 20 minutes, move the conversation along. But you can withstand 20 minutes of someone talking at you. And that skill, I learned that from John Gray, who wrote Men are from Mars, winner from Venus. He just said, you got to be able to listen for 20 minutes. And I'll never forget that. But I also had to learn it's not just listening. It's being able to Take the vent. You know, it's like if you're standing there, imagine you're standing in front of a heater and it's blowing out hot air and you're already hot. And having to be able to stand and take that hot air for 20 more minutes doesn't feel good. But if you can do it, it's almost like you have superpowers. It's almost like you have a superpower. And I'm here to suggest to you. Most people don't feel heard. Let them talk. Let them talk. You don't have to memorize. You don't have to solve. You don't have to demonstrate otherworldly levels of active listening, rephrasing, paraphrasing, you know, physical touch, camaraderie. It's like, let them do it. I think if you can actually be an empty vessel without the judgment and without. Forgive the language here, the manipulation that our culture teaches, like this. Oh, just mirror and match. Just rephrase it. Just ask these 10 questions. It's like you're supposed to do something to them when they're complaining or venting. Don't feel like you have to do anything. Just be a vessel, be empty. Be like water. Let it flow. Because there's other times that you can dialogue and solve and work through. But if someone's venting, let them do it right. Don't take it personally. And everyone's like, but then that's really hard. She's complaining all the time. I'm like, yeah, all right. You can talk about her complaining letter. But when she's in the moment of complaining, you jumping in, you trying to do something to her, it ain't gonna go well. When he's all angry and he's all hot and he's complaining about somebody at work, you trying to do something to him in that moment, that's not the time for a lot of people. They gotta get it off their chest. And this is very, very, as I said earlier, interesting research, because there is a sense, and there is a moment when it tips, when venting becomes negative. But that's less often than when people need to share. And here's what I've learned in all of these years, and not just because, you know, communication is my master's degree, but in working with people, it is so incredibly obvious that what we call venting, they don't think of as venting. And I think a lot of the research has gotten this wrong, frankly, that a lot of what someone might label as venting is that person's Version of sharing, of talking it through, of thinking out loud, where we often associate venting. Oh, she's just venting as if it's a negative thing. That's why I'm hearing. I want to make sure I underline this without labeling it. Like, let them talk, let them vent. Let them complain, let them dialogue, let them think out loud. Just let them do their thing. Don't label it. Don't label it good. Don't label it negative. It's your spouse talking. Let them talk. Don't label it good, don't label it negative. It's your kid talking through the day at school. There's no good direction there or bad direction. Let them talk. I think it's just, I know it sounds so wild, but I share this because most families that really struggle shut down communication. You know this to be true, right? If you grew up in an environment where you were constantly shut down, it's hard for you to even express, let alone vent a little. And so this is so important. It's the opposite. I'm trying to give you opposites here. A negative situation in a family is where everyone's shut down. So let's reverse that. Let's open it up, let's encourage that expression. And for most people, most people most often, their venting is healthy. For them, it's a pressure valve. It's hearing them talk out loud. There's a reason that even talk therapy itself is very open, almost like vessel. Let it happen, let them share, let it go through. We can guide, direct, mentor, coach, help, advise in other moments. We can brainstorm and solve in other moments. But when it's flowing, baby, let it flow. You just have to learn to take it. And that takes you not taking things personally. And what I tell people all the time, I'm like, if you're an adult and when people express complaint, anger or blame or negativity, part of your job is learning that that doesn't have to stick to you. You own your own emotions. It's a powerful and freeing effect. I just want to let you know, I'm around extremely intense people almost all the time. I mean, when I'm in a Super bowl locker room, we're talking like level 15 out of 10 intensity, like very intense people. And I'm very centered, I'm very calm, I'm very joyous, I'm very confident. Even in a room where these men are, you know, superhuman. They're, you know, 200, 350 pound, gigantic human beings. You know, they could all like, kill me with like a flick of the wrist. They could just like knock me dead. And I'm in there incredibly confident in my own space, centered, holding joy because I own my feelings. They can scream. I mean, I've been with musicians in the past. I was with a band one time advising this band and they were screaming at each other. I mean, an hour long scream session, it was like talk about venting with, you know, jet fuel. And I was just Cool Hand Luke, man. Because their expression does not need to be my emotion. Let me share it again. Their expression does not need to be my emotion. So I let it happen. And part of a lot of my magic as a coach and part of a lot of what I help families ultimately crack through is that place where they let things happen a little bit more. And in that allowing creates a more safety of expression. It's not I'm not labeled, I'm not shut down. Because if I'm not labeled and I'm not shut down, I'm more likely to express. Sam.