Unshakable Confidence

Hello my friends.

I'm Brendon Burchard, host of the Brendon show and founder of growthday.com and I'm honored to be your high performance coach today. I believe that every day we can be inspired. We can live with intention and purpose. We can bring the joy and honor the struggles of each day to push ourselves to grow, to serve, to be a role model, to lead extraordinary lives. I believe that every day is a great day to grow. That's why I started my company, growthday.com it's an online personal growth platform where you can get me and the world's best personal development teachers live coaching you every week, sharing our wisdom, keeping you motivated and accountable, encouraging you to find the aliveness and the connection and meaning.

Of life that we're all after.

If you're not a member yet, please go sign up@growthday.com and join our huge worldwide community of achievers. For less than a dollar a day, you get the world's best teachers live every week. And look, you've probably known for a long time that you needed some expert guidance and inspired community and life changing tools. So please, your breakthrough awaits you@growthday.com now let's get to today's episode. My friends, please listen closely. Maybe you take some notes so you remember these insights of personal growth and share this episode with three of your friends because we all have to share more positive messages in the world today. So share this with three friends just like you who are committed to their personal growth. And also be sure to tag me or DM me on Instagram. Rendon Burchard, join our million plus community there on Instagram so I can say hi, thanks again for listening. Now let's begin.

We're going to talk about intentional, intentional confidence and that's how we're going to increase it. Because you know, most people, their confidence is based on an unconscious level of evaluation of themselves in the current moment. Like, ah, you know, I feel confident or I don't, Brendan and it's just like based on what? Well, just how I feel. And they're gauging their confidence based on almost a whim of the moment, a reaction to the overall emotional quality they're experiencing the moment versus thinking of it as something as like a skill. Thinking of it as something as that exists because of will. Thinking of it as something that is not like in the background, kind of like just happening over there and maybe I'm becoming it but rather in the foreground. It's like who I am that Your identity can be something that is rooted in confidence. Not by luck or happenstance or even breaking through to the next level, but rather by opening up to this one and by using your intention differently. Number one, this is super important for confidence, for your confidence. This one. Don't tie confidence to image. Don't tie your confidence to image. Don't tie confidence to image. Okay, now, some of you, this is super basic, right? We'll go deep, but this is a really basic one, and that is a lot of people tie their confidence to what their. To image. Like, how do I look like? You know, this is that old thing. It's like, oh, well, if you're not in the perfect body weight, the perfect size jeans, or you don't have six pack ab, or you hate your hair that day, or you know, something in terms of your image is not what you want, then what ends up happening is you lessen your sense of self and you feel like your confidence is lowered. And this is happening in not just physical manifestations for a lot of people. Like, well, I don't like, you know, I don't like my body, Brendan, so I'm lacking confidence. I'm like, why is your confidence tied to your body, huh? Or they say, well, Brendan, you know, I'm embarrassed by, you know, my website. It's not as nice as other people. So I've lost confidence in my dream. I'm like, why is your confidence tied to your website? Oh, Brendan, you know, we just got divorced, and, you know, it's embarrassing when I walk the dog because I'm not with my husband anymore, and, you know, I know what the neighbors are thinking, so I just feel like I'm lacking confidence. I'm like, why is your confidence tied to what you look like when you are walking a dog? You know, there's all these things or, Brendan, I don't know. I'm so embarrassed. My Instagram thing is, you know, I only have 55 followers, and it's so embarrassing. I'm like, why is your confidence tied to the number of followers? What we do is we externalize our confidence, and it causes so much pain. We got to change this deal, y'. All. Listen, that's okay when you're in high school because you don't know better and you're immature. But everybody by the end of high school had better learned that confidence should not be tied to external measures or to perception of others based on our image. And I know where this is going to go with a lot of you because I've been blessed to coach so many people at high levels. I know some of you go, no, no, no, Brennan, you're totally wrong on this one because, you know, listen, there was a time when, you know, I was in terrible shape and I looked terrible. And then I took control of my health, Brendan, and I got better looking. You know, I lost some of that weight, and I'm happy in my body, Brendan. And I am more confident because I am healthier. I'm, you know, lean and mean and trim, and I feel good about that. I said, oh, well, if you think about it psychologically, your confidence didn't come from the fact that you are lean and mean. Now, like what I said, confidence came from that process. The confidence came from your willingness to get in and do it, your belief in your ability to figure out, and the fact that you showed up and you did it. The progress through the struggle gave you the confidence, the outcome, which you're celebrating. Oh, Brendan. But I've lost this weight. I'm, you know, I'm better. Here it is. Okay. That is what a high schooler does. Oh, this external thing that. Now I can be confident. You know, I got an article on the front page of the student newspaper. Now I can be confident. It's like we get these external rewards or accolades, and we think it's the outcome that gives us confidence. But if that's your life, you'll never have the confidence that you really, really could have. Because guess what? Those external image things, the accolade, the award, how you look in the mirror, those things are gonna change throughout the life, and you know it. Cause guess what? Now you're gonna hit a certain look, and you're gonna want a different look, or you're gonna have a certain award and want a different award or a bigger award or a certain bank account and want the next level of bank account. Because those external things are always moving. If your confidence is rooted in those external things moving all the time, you feel like this all the time, right? A lot of your insecurities is because you're tapping. You're. You're like trying to glom onto all things image, right? These external things. And I want these external things, but they're not solid. And because they're not solid and they're always shifting, you don't feel solid, and you feel like you're always shifting. And even though you've actually achieved some amazing things, you have the image things, you have the award things, you have the accolade things, you have the successes. You have a bigger bank account than you used to, you still don't feel confident in self. Why? Because you are attaching confidence to that outer thing and how it felt like in terms of image in the moment. You didn't give yourself the appropriate psychological credit and identity as a striver, who strived, who knocked it out, who made it happen. You didn't reward the effort, instead you tried to celebrate the outcome. But because the outcomes are now shifting and shaping and you want more and more, you always feel deficient and deficient because the outward, the image, I'm just using that word image, that image thing, the accolade thing, that success thing, it's moving so much. You have to understand this. It's why I know people who are literally 40s, 50s, like, and they still don't have confidence. If that last dollar increase in your bank account didn't give you more confidence, please don't fool yourself in thinking the next extra dollar in your bank account is going to give you more confidence. It's very important to understand right off the bat that the shifting of the external, the shifting of those things that we want, the shifting of the rewards, of the accolades, of the dollars, of the houses, of the cars, because those shift, we'll always want a different one, a newer one, a fresher one, a better one, including in our body. Then guess what? It's hard to ever feel fully competent or confident, to ever feel within like a sense of goodness. You've got to start rewarding yourself based on effort and not outcome. And I know many of you are aware of those very large sociological studies that have been done and replicated of children's self esteem, right? Instead of like good job Johnny, that final picture won the best picture over the seven other kids. Instead of saying externalizing his comp, good job for that thing instead good job Johnny. You kind of pointed in your unique way, you worked hard at that, you spent a lot of time on this. In other words, we got to learn to reward our effort, not the image. So let's talk about the foundations of confidence. I personally believe that confidence, real confidence, deep confidence, soul driven confidence is really the belief in my ability to figure things out. It's not about having or even having done that exact thing. It's I believe inherently in myself that I can learn it, I can do it, I can learn it, I can do it. And that belief and confidence in any given moment isn't notice. It doesn't say I believe I look good. Could you imagine a kid with like broccoli growing out of his head? Look at this Haircut. I mean, if I, if I like, literally rooted my confidence in how I appeared in my beginning videos when they were terrible on stages, when I'm not at my best, you know, in the moments when I was trying to build a career and I had no idea what I was doing, that image stuff, I would have never gotten here. But here's the thing I want you to know and just be thoughtful about. If you don't have confidence right now at the level you need to lead, serve and earn at the next level, it is not based on what you have currently achieved right now because you've already achieved things because you've already struggled through things. The problem is you never gave yourself sufficient credit on the struggle, on the effort, on the heads down, on the.

Working through, on the belief, on the.

Desire of the hunger, on all of the stuff that was going on to get you where you're at. Because what you're doing is you're discounting where you're at. You're like, well, I'm only here, Brendan, and I want to be here. So I don't feel confident yet. And I'm like, oh, be careful. You're slipping into tying your confidence to identity. So let me put it up again. Don't tie your confidence to image.

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Don'T tie confidence to others attention or approval. Now, if this one is as high school as it gets, I don't know what is. My friends, however, isn't it so true? It's just like if. Imagine you walk into a room. I want you all to imagine this for a minute. You walk into a room tonight and in, in that room, gathered around like a bar, is all of your mentors and your heroes, people you look up to, who you wanted to meet or interview or do business with, like you are. It's like a serious room to be networking in. And imagine that as you walk in that room, no one pays attention to you. No one pays attention to you. And as you talk to everybody there in that room, not only do they know how to pay attention to you, when you do get someone's attention and you have a conversation with them, it doesn't seem like they really give you the vibe that you belong or that you are approved of. Now, how do you feel about yourself when you leave that room? How do you feel about yourself when you leave that room? Now, isn't it true most of us would feel kind of bad? We'd be like, ugh, you know, I don't, I don't, I don't feel good about myself. I'm kind of sad. I'm kind of down. You know, I must have made a big, you know, embarrassment of myself. You know, these people don't like me. Isn't it true that most of us would kind of get down on ourselves? But there's an aspect of spiritual maturity that would ask this question, why? Why? You know, we are so desperate for other people's approval. Because we all want to belong. We all want to feel like we are capable, like we, you know, fit in, like other people, you know, approve of us. You know, it's just part of the human story that we want that sense of belonging and approval from other people. And that's okay when you're really young, as you get older, it's not that I'm saying Don't try to connect with people. It's not that I'm saying, you know, don't try to be your best, but here's what I'm saying. Learn to walk out of that damn room with your head held high, your confidence instilled in who you are. Even if you didn't perform well, even if you had an awkward conversation, even if you weren't your best, you still hold your head high because you're like, okay, I got it. I didn't fit in here, but I don't have to fit in everywhere. Or, you know, I didn't fit in here because I kind of said this and it wasn't appropriate. It wasn't kind. I will change my behavior. Lesson learned. Because, see, learning can give you confidence, but so can discerning. You don't have to be confident in every room and in every situation and do perfectly all the time. You're allowed to have a bad night. And you having a bad night should not take down your confidence. Write it down. You having a bad night or a bad performance or bad speech or a bad zoom call or a bad broadcast or a bad conversation with your spouse or whatever else you deem bad should not take down your confidence, not in yourself, because you can believe in your ability to figure things out. You have the willingness to try again. And even if it wasn't what you wanted, that willingness is going to fuel you. That desire to improve is going to fuel you, but it's not going to take away from your confidence in self. And this really bothers people because they're like, no, no, no, no, no. Brendon, come. Brendon, how could you say this? Are you saying people's results should not affect their confidence levels? You know, and I'm like, no, I don't believe your external results should affect your confidence levels in self. I think they can be great indications to learn to improve, to be aware. I think I would say, listen, if you have a bad performance, I don't want it to decrease your confidence. What I want it to is increase your self awareness. Oh, write that down. I don't want it to decrease confidence. I want it to increase self awareness. To say, ah, what were the factors that led to me not performing as well as I could? What were the factors in that moment that tore me from my own presence? Authenticity or confidence? What could I learn to do better to have more confidence next time? But I don't want you to deplete the tank of confidence based on whether or not in that particular situation on Stage or in that networking situation, they gave you the attention or approval that you want. And let's have an honest conversation right here because I know many of you are incredibly successful, mature, capable people. And I just believe that the excellence driven nature of this high performance community constantly astounds me and Denise. Like, we are always super impressed with each of you and what you give and how you serve and how you show up for your own personal professional development. I mean, the fact that you're here says so much about you and I applaud you for that. And I also know, though, one of the reasons that many of us are set out into the world of personal development is because too often, too many times, we know we took other people's opinions about us too seriously and we allowed other people's attention or lack thereof, to hurt us. We, you know, when we were kids, if we didn't get the attention of the parent we idealized, it hurt our feelings and it could hurt our confidence if we let it. When we were, you know, in a job and our manager didn't like us, we could let that hurt our confidence and our feelings. We take things so personally. But I also think that we're often unaware of how little people care. Most of the world is not thinking about you, not observing about you, not interested in you. And as much as you are, like, hoping that they will give that attention and those accolades, they're not. And it's not saying anything about you at all. Listen, the fact that other people aren't giving you attention almost has zero to do with you. It has to do with the human story in which each person, almost all of us, are more concerned about our own selves and our lives, our families, our goals, our dreams, our obstacles. We're so concerned in ourselves, we don't even see other people. I mean, if you don't believe it, go walk down a major city and see how many people are paying attention. No, here's what the world looks like now. They're not even looking at you. And you think, you think that, oh my gosh, they're not paying attention to me, or I don't fit in or I don't belong. You think that matters? Most of the world could care less about you. I know that sounds funny, and I'm teasing on this a little bit. However, I'm conscious enough as an adult, and you should be too, that most people are really interested in their own lives. They're not even paying attention to you. So why are you so upset that you don't have someone else's attention or approval. Why your confidence should not be tied to other people's attention or approval. Right? I mean, if I think of my life and I tied my confidence to other people's attention or approval, I would be toast. It would be a dangerous thing to tie your confidence to whether or not other people engage with you. Other people care about what you're doing. Other people approve of what you're doing. Other people give you the attention that you want. You can be a fully confident person even if you don't get the attention you desire from your husband. You can be a fully confident person even if you don't get the attention you desire from your boss. You can be fully confident person even if everybody makes fun of you. And that's so important.

Okay, my friend, I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Brennan Show. Tell some people about this episode. It's on each of us to spread positivity and empowerment during these times of chaos and negativity, right? So I'm asking you to be the dealer of hope and personal growth and education in your tribe. So take a screenshot right now and share the screenshot and this link to this episode with three of your friends today. Post it on social media. Use the hashtag growthday. That's growthday, because that's the name of my company and we're always giving away prizes to our community. If you'd like to help me personally, then please rate and review the podcast on Apple Podcasts. Give us some stars, cheer us on, leave a review. Because believe it or not, that stuff actually really does help. And I read all of them. So my last thought for today, please remember, you are stronger than you think and the future holds good things for you. Tomorrow can be an inspired day. Every new morning is a second chance. Every day is a great day to grow. We're thankful to have you here in the Growth Day community, so be sure to go deeper with us@growthday.com.

Sam.